Thursday, March 8th 2018
I added two hours to my 'Programming' horse which is just general programming knowledge not specific to any language. It could have been three hours since I did general programming for 2 hours and 58 minutes today, but because I was 2 minutes short, according to the rules I made up, no extra numbers could be added to my horses. It's kind of a stupid rule but whatever, I like it.
Anyway I'm extremely sleepy.
Another one of the productivity tips I was able to acquire was to plan out the day ahead. I'll make it extremely easy for myself today. Why don't I just do this once a day, right when the day starts, of all the things I need to get done that day?
I still have my sticky note of things I really need to do, and I am just going to pull out my daily activities based on that list and based on activities I do / want to do daily. If I can get through everything in this list today, I'll reward myself by either buying hummus (one of my favorite foods, goes well with beans and rice) or the completion of the activities will be reward enough. By the latter, I mean that I don't really want to buy anything if I can help it, one of my favorite foods included, because I don't have any income.
I have around 16 or so hours of awake time today. Let's see how well I can make use of that time today.
To Do Today:
Web Developer Course (5 Hours)
Journal Entry Homework
Convert and Upload Yesterday's Entry
Upload Yesterday's Photos to IG
Instagram Photo Downloader (1 Hour)
And yeah that's literally it. Those are the things I have to work on today. Honestly the first two are extremely easy. The third one is the hardest, and the one I should do first. The next hardest is the last one, and then after that is the Walk/Run Outside, then the remaining one is pretty easy which is the homework assignment (can be done in like 10 minutes if I rush).
According to the productivity tips I have, it's best to work on the hardest and most rewarding task first. In this list, that's literally the Web Developer Course (5 hours).
So I have to do five hours of that before I can do anything else. Okay let's do it then.
I'm apparently very hungry, so I'm going to prepare some breakfast first before continuing with the course.
So I waste a lot of time doing BS activities like going on forums and reading articles and other lame activities that do nothing to benefit my present condition.
Wow I was lost. Anyway, I was going to write about American exceptionalism, but literally opening the forum page took my attention away for the next 17 minutes despite me not writing another post there or doing anything else other than basically stare and read a few posts. What a waste of time.
So back to American exceptionalism. I came back to America about 3 weeks ago now (wow time goes by fast, I didn't get anything done in that time period), and the first thing I was surprised by is how everyone spoke and understood English. Over in the Philippines, English was just a passing thing, everyone spoke a little bit of it but not that well and they all had accents, signs and other text were English, but very few people spoke it in person.
When I came back to the States holy crap, I was surprised by the amount of Americans and white people everywhere. Well, 'surprised' isn't a good word, it was more like I knew it was coming, but the experience was more overwhelming than expected. What surprised me the most is the English everyone spoke, everyone just spoke it fluently and quickly. "Blah blah blah" rapid words coming out of their mouths.
Then I spoke English to a stewardess, and I just seemed to do it fluently and without an accent. I have bene speaking English now for most of my life, but I'm still surprised at how quickly I was able to transition from one language to another after living in that environment where no one spoke English out loud in a while.
So then in the forums tonight, there were political related posts about how America has become inferior now to the other European countries due to the influx of immigrants taking over the country and slowly turning America into a White minority country. It's a pretty openly racist majority white forum where they openly mock every race, religion, political group, etc, under the sun. There's 'debates' about everything.
So like I said in the thread I was in America was 'inferior' and a bunch of Europeans were saying things like look how America is... So and so negative and racist comments... Then I defended America by telling a poster something like: "If it weren't for America though you wouldn't be on this site (creator is American) you wouldn't be on a computer (created by an American)..." and I just went through a bunch of different inventions like the car, plane, telephone, cell phone, the Internet (debatable, it took several pioneers to do this and an Englander by Tim Berners-Lee is a big name here), video games, etc, etc, were all invented in America.
I mean so many things came out of this country. The printing press, the rocket, the light bulb, the nuclear bomb, YouTube, Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Apple, top video game companies, graphics cards, processor chips, etc, etc. What made or makes these Americans so exceptional? Maybe the money? The language? No idea.
Anyway, I have to get back to my work.
I've been wasting my valuable time again. However, here's an interesting thought experiment. Let's say that every time a person loses consciousness, they died, and each time they regained consciousness they became a new person, they still retained all the same memories as their previous self, but they were no longer the same person. This means that every time a person goes to sleep, they die, and when they wake up, it's someone else with all the same memories and experiences of the previous person.
I'm not saying that's necessarily true, and it's going to be hard to prove or disprove. But if it were true, that means that the you today, will be the only time that 'you' will be around, because tomorrow there will be another 'you' with the same memories and same thoughts and experiences, but a different person. Frightening right? That means the 'me' today is a different 'me' than all the others, and I'll only be around to write this entry.
Afterwards tomorrow will be a new me. Someone different, hopefully much better. He'll improve from what I'm able to do and accomplish, so I need to lay a good foundation for that person in return, just as how the previous "me's" have left their foundation for the present me.
I wrote my To-Do list for today at 7:30 AM earlier, and I could have been done by 1 PM if I continued my web development course up 'til now. However, I procrastinated, and the time flew by fast. It's nearly five hours later now and I could have been mostly done by now, but now I will have to wait until after 5 PM before I finish it, and that's if I do it for five hours straight.
I procrastinated by doing pleasure-based activities like watching videos and reading comics, and even reading creepypastas. So many hours gone. How many years of my life have been wasted, despite me knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, I go by procrastinating? I purchased this web developer course back in 2016 for example, and I haven't even completed it up to today. I have many many courses like this that I have yet to go through. It's a pain. I suffer so much.
But that all has to change now. If I want to be a different person in the future, I will have to start by changing myself today. Like I wrote about existentially, today is my only day I'll be here, tomorrow I'll be someone new with all my memories and experiences transferred over. It's nearly impossible and hard to prove that I actually 'died' yesterday, and that I'm a new person today, because I feel the same as before, but that's part of the thought experiment.
It's... It's really been a frustrating experience for me. I don't lie when I say I have procrastination issues. I don't even have ADHD or ADD or any focusing symptoms like that, it's jus that I get bored doing boring things, and I lose in the end. How many years of my life have gone by already? I could have been someone completely different today had I started doing something productive to change my life five years ago.
Yikes. I was nineteen 5 years ago. What the fuck. No fucking way. Seriously all those years, they went by nearly instantaneously. I remember being 19. I remember turning 19, I remember several days and experiences vividly as a 19 year old, I remember what I was doing at the time, I remember some of my early thoughts and philosophies at the time. I remember the people I hung out with, I remember how much money I had, I remember what activities I did, what I was doing, what I was studying.
I pretty much remember all my general experiences of the past and I can quickly sum up my existence at any year and also give a story or two about some events that occurred when I was X years old. Maybe not when I was 8 and earlier though, those experiences I've had in separate years feel all gobbled together into one year and I can't recall those years that well anyway.
But yeah it's really depressing how much time has gone, and how I am who I am today. I really could have been someone different. By the way, I have had thoughts like this, about procrastination, about studying to become somebody significant and skilled, since 14. I didn't keep a journal at the time, so I wrote short stories about it. I was so fucking stupid. There was this one short story I wrote about a 14 year old kid, since I was 14 at the time, and he was playing this video game where this 'prodigy' young 12 year old or something, was hacking the game.
Two years is a significant amount of time difference, but it felt so much more back then as you progress through the school years. Like literally if you're in 7th grade, you're fully inferior to a person in 9th grade as they have had two years extra schooling, they literally know two entire years more information throughout several subjects than a 7th grader would, so the difference gap in knowledge was widely significant.
So back then, as a 14 year old and in 9th grade, I felt like my knowledge was so vastly more than a 7th grader. The gaps would be nearly impossible to cross without taking those two years as well, it felt like. So I wrote this essay about a 'prodigy' 12 year old, and the 14 year old and 12 year old were playing a game. The 14 year old was supposed to be this super good player, but the 12 year old beat him easily and made devastatingly mocking comments like "This is only how good you are after having a 2 year head start? You can't even beat me today. By the time I'm your age I will have significantly more skill and talent than you do today." But even more threateningly.
Like, I wrote pretty good and nice short stories. I enjoyed doing that. I had ideas in school while in class, about the next short story to write, and it was fun. I also made a lot of digital art and websites as a 14 year old. I even made some flash games and YouTube videos! I wrote the stories for the games and everything. I loved those days. I did so much, and learned so much. I loved that era. This continued throughout high school, and even college.
Hell, it was in college, despite it being nice and enjoyable in hindsight, I hated it at the time. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. The courses were hard, I felt dumb. I failed my calculus class. The dorm was expensive, and so was the schooling, my parents went into deep debt trying to pay it for me since they had no idea how to play finances.
I felt like a rebel, like I didn't need college to survive on my own. So I dropped out, and I did some entrepreneurship. I earned maybe a few hundred dollars a week, I don't even remember. I was able to pay my mom's rent charge of $500 a week though, she said something like "If you don't go to college you're going to have to pay us" which didn't make any sense, but I had to make due somehow. I survived like this for one and a half years. I made some 'decent' money.
What did I do? I don't think I can replicate it. I made a website that went viral, I had ads on it. There were around 20,000 or so visitors a day, I got income from the ads. From there I funded my app development curriculum, and I started making different apps and games. I made several, but they literally gave me no income.
I think it must've been sometime in late 2013 that I made and published my first app. I was staying over at a person's mansion, this person I contracted for, and I was sleeping in his son's room. I still remember it vividly. It was a huge and nice mansion, in front of a lake. It had an enormous driveway that circled around a fountain at the front of the mansion, sort of like how you saw in movies, it's a common clich�. But yeah it was like that. And he had a detached garage for 3 cars, but you could fit more than 20 cars in the driveway.
I would park in front of the mansion with my Miata, and I took some pictures of it while parked there. It was cool as hell. He told me his story of how he became hugely wealthy. Anyway, back to my first app that I made.
I was a procrastinator even back then. I knew I had a limited amount of time in the world and that I could only do so much. As a 19 year old that just dropped out of school, as a youngster, I knew I should have done whatever it took to give me a future that would be good for myself several years in the future. This was back in late 2013 when I made my first app, but I should go back to before that to mid 2013 to when I was just a new dropout.
So mid-2013 was when I dropped out. It was after my second semester at school. I'm going to repeat myself, but it's relevant. I thought school was too expensive, and I would have better luck doing my own thing without paying tuition and just trying something entrepreneurial or getting some cheap job with low pay. It's better than being in debt, I thought.
So I dropped out, but not before buying the domain of what would be a viral website. I don't know when the development of that actually started, if I started it while in college, or it was after college that I started it. Either way, I dropped out, and worked on this site. Time seemed to go a lot slower back then, or it just felt like I was able to accomplish a lot more. Anyway, the site went viral, and I managed to eventually earn an income from it after making daily updates to the site.
Around Fall 2013 or maybe Summer 2013 actually, I think it was Summer as I remember the weather not being so cold, I got into Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. Hard to believe that back then it was around $200, and Litecoin was around $2 or something, it was unbelievable compared to today. I didn't get any income from that at all since I had very little income to begin with, and I could only put in so much money into crypto. I still bought three graphics cards to mine Scrypt coins with though, almost all of them turned out to be duds and literally disappeared. I also bought some Asic block erupters to mine Bitcoin with though. Anyway, that was one of the interests I found at the time.
Come late 2013, I was still into that stuff, and I was now making an alright income from my website (actually it would be below minimum wage and I would have actually earned more if I worked even a $5 an hour job, but since I only had a $500 rent each month, and no other expenses, I didn't care nor did I know that I made below minimum age). So then I got a gig with this person that made a really weird keyboard, I was into typing back then and was looking for cool new keyboards to try out. I contacted him and managed to get a contractor gig working for him.
I just maintained the website, did some site code updates, sent out emails, did some packaging, just miscellaneous work basically. One time I was staying overnight at his mansion, and I think I only did this for two nights or so, and this is where we left off last time before I went on a tangent. I was in his son's room, and I remember it vividly. It was darkly lit. I could have done any activity in the world at that moment, but I forced myself to work on an app.
I still remember some of the images that went on my screen from that day, as if I were still there, I remember the agony of how boring it was. I was forcing myself to go through this work that I didn't want to go through, but I did it, woohoo. I think it may have been that night or a few days later that I was able to publish my first app. After that one time, I would proceed to do it another 10-20 times, pushing out maybe 10-20 apps in under a year, in 2014.
Around a month later from that incident, it was January 2014. I was invited to CES 2014 by my boss, and it was so fun. I went to Las Vegas, stayed at a hotel, I was under 21 so I couldn't' even gamble, and it was so much fun. So much freaking fun. I can't believe I figured out how to get places by myself even though I didn't have wi-fi on my phone, or GPS, and I was scampering for money, so instead of getting a Taxi I would literally just walk from my hotel to the convention.
I stayed at the Circus Circus hotel and the convention was in the Las Vegas Convention Center. Looking up the distance online, it was only a 1.1 mile distance which is nothing, but it felt more painful back then, especially as I wore dress shoes and had to walk that distance back and forth. Still, I really miss those days and times. I felt so independent and that I could do anything. I felt like there were more, a lot more, opportunities back then than there are today.
Like I said, if I had spent my time wisely, I would be a completely, completely different person today. I ended up getting my first job at the end of 2014 in December.
I really think I know how to plan my own life, and that my decisions would have been sound if I hadn't listened to other people's advices or opinions.
Another smart decision would have been to quit work in 2015 and continue my studies and entrepreneurship having a three year head start (compared to today), not wait until 2018 to get fired later and then end up having not as much knowledge and motivation as back then. It's also shameful, because I have had wanted to quit for a very long time. I kept telling my parents I wanted to quit, this was a dead end job, there was nothing for me there. They said no, if you want to do some entrepreneurial shit, do it on your own while you're working.
There's probably journal entries I wrote from back in 2016 where I wrote about wanting to quit work. My first 'selfie for the day' picture I took on the first day of my journal writing entry, was taken right before I would head off to work. I hated it. I was so depressed and everything was so repetitive. My job wasn't web page development or anything related to web page development, it was just about moving and dragging items around on a screen and typing a little bit. A monkey could do it.
Still I held a lot of responsibility in that job. I would tell my friends about the shit I had to go through, and they would say "you only get paid that much for all that work?" Yeah. I mean that environment just didn't have any room for growth for me. I wanted to do web page development, but the job wasn't related to it. So I wanted to quit.
I told my parents. Again, this is repeating but relevant, they said no. I would say it several times in a row in a week and they would say no. What the fuck. Anyway, I know why I got fired. There was a self-evaluation form you had to fill in at the end of the year, I put down honestly that not only did I feel like my job was extremely boring and that I wasn't getting enough pay for the amount of work I did, I actually knew the income and benefits of some of my other employees and I felt so much like shit being treated so unfairly making less than half of what some other people made despite being harder working, and I wrote down that I deserved more.
The worst part was the firing of how I was fired. They didn't even give me a warning. I had signed really shitty contracts with the company that I just had to sign if I wanted to get a job back in 2014, one was that I would be an at-will employee. Meaning I could be fired at any time or any reason. So if they didn't like that I wasn't happy there, boom they could just fire me. Honestly though, I would have just quit if they asked me to instead, that would have been better for me.
But there was no negotiation at all. It was a normal work day, I did my work on time, and I just finished this huge project. Literally one of the hardest projects I've worked on in that company, and I've been there for three years. Three years of relationships, trust, friendships, and so on. I sent out several emails to clients, I sent some emails out and messages to coworkers, and like I said I was able to get that hard project done.
At around 4:00 PM in the afternoon I had this meeting I was invited to earlier that morning, it was just called "Catch Up" by my manager. It was pretty suspicious. I had complained to him about working so much and not earning enough, and he said this lie several weeks back without making eye contact "bonuses are handed out at the end of January", like, what bonuses? So after sending out my last email, I looked at the time and it was 4:00 PM.
I was feeling pretty good, got a lot of work done, was in a good relationship with my coworkers and clients, everything was swell. I was still generally unhappy about my job and pay though, but I couldn't do much about it that I already hadn't done. But anyway, it was meeting time, so I got my laptop and went into this meeting room, in the room was just my manager and the HR head. I already knew what it was about after I saw them, before they even spoke a word. So when they said it, I had already expected it, and I didn't react that much. I was actually feeling happy, liberated. I wanted to quit for years back.
But, what I felt unhappy about, was the way they conducted it. Just in the middle of nowhere during a normal workday, given no warnings whatsoever? They gave me the basic spiel and a BS reason about why I was being fired, saying it was about my performance in 2017. Wow. Really? In video game terms, there's a term called "Carry" in which one person in a team based game does exceptionally well so much so that he basically is winning or 'carrying' the game by himself, hence that term. In 2017, I carried my entire team. Literally.
I did several training sessions, I wrote the guides on how to do the job that I did, I tackled all the hardest projects, and literally anything and everything else that no one else did or was able to do. I could have just not even done any of those things. I could have done a shitty job with the training sessions, I could have not written several eBooks to be used in conjunction with the training, I could have not taken up any of those hard projects I took up and instead taken up easier ones. I felt like I did a lot of carrying work throughout the entire time I worked there, doing enough work for 2-3 people, they even said I did a lot.
As opposite as it is compared to how I procrastinate and not get anything done at home, because I was literally forced to do just that one job while at work, I did it exceptionally well and I tackled a lot of projects. I had no distractions (I didn't want to be seen having some random video or other activity open), so I didn't do anything else. I had people watching over my shoulder, so I made sure all my time was just devoted to work.
How do I get repaid after more than three years of exceptional service? "Catch up meeting at 4:00 PM." And then I get fired, no other warnings, no 1 day alert or anything, nothing. Just a normal work day, then a meeting, and then literally as the meeting was being conducted, all my account access and everything had already been disabled. By the time I got to my desk, I wanted to say goodbye to my coworkers through Slack, but my account was already logged out and disabled! Not to mention my manager said "pack up your stuff, I'll walk you out" as I sat in my desk in disbelief.
Packing up was one of the most embarrassing and heartwrenching moments in my life. I didn't actually care that much because I knew I would never see those guys again, I just wanted to disappear immediately and be out of there as soon as possible, as I packed my things up, almost in tears. It was so embarrassing and the way my manager was looming over my shoulder making comments like "are you done yet?" didn't help. I had a lot of things on my desk, since I'd been there for several years. Again I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, and my mouth was quivering since I was almost in tears, I didn't want to say a single word because I would have sounded like I was crying.
After I had finished packing my entire backpack was filled with and it bulged out more than any other time before. Then my manager said out loud "come on I'll walk you out" and I expected him to say some comments like "Thanks Megg for all the years you've worked and the products you made here, it was a tough decision but we had to let you go due to present circumstances," but no, he just walked in front of me with silence. Then he opened the door for me in the front of the office, and waved goodbye, then turned around and headed back.
What the fuck. I couldn't even get in anymore because my keys were disabled. This was a place I'd been able to walk through back and forth back then, and it felt comfortable knowing I could go in and out anytime I wanted. That changed all in an instant. I headed down the elevator in full disbelief. I texted my friends telling them what had happened, I hung out with two of them that night.
So I was fired because I had told the truth, that I was unhappy where I was, that I felt like I didn't get paid enough. After three years of hard work and service, three years of relationships and friendships, I was dismissed extremely easily without any warning or a chance to say goodbye to anyone, like I didn't even matter.
Anyway, I had already wanted to quit for a long time, so again I felt liberated once I finally left, but the way it was conducted was harsh. I had good experiences though. I made wrong decisions when I knew what the right decision instead was. I should have quit years earlier in 2015, rather than have waited three years only to arrive at the same place, but later.
They also gave me a form to sign, a severance agreement in which I would receive some pay if I signed it. But signing it meant I had to give up a lot of rights. This was the same company that made me sign an at-will paper and also the same company that made me sign a 'creativity clause' or something like that, in which whatever I worked on during my time of employment there, even if it was on my free time, would belong to the company unless I otherwise specified it in the paper that it was something I was working on or had worked on in the past.
Reading through the papers they gave me though I would basically be giving up all my rights to the company just for a small amount of money. Only a delusional person would sign it (or someone that never read the agreement) I had no reason to sign it and I wasn't going to sign it after reading it, not after the way I was brutally kicked out. I couldn't trust them or what they were going to do with me after I had signed it. The agreements were harsh and I would have been severely restricted. I had a week to sign, and they messaged me a few times that week asking me to sign it and if I had any questions, I ignored those emails.
I forgive them for their harshness, since it's all in the past, and there's nothing I can do about the past. I've forgiven everyone and everything throughout my entire life. I've accepted all my mistakes and indecisions, all my wrong moves, and bad choices, and I've forgiven myself for them too. If I could get rid the regret I've personally had for my life these past few years, I can certainly forgive an evil corporation for kindly taking me in and then harshly spitting me out.
Today I have no skills because I had wasted three years practicing a skill that made no difference and had no relevance in the world outside of that organization. I am far behind from my classmates and friends. Even in things like Bitcoin in which I mined and knew about back in 2013, I'm not even richer than my friends who first learned about it from me back in 2017. I'm the one that told them and taught them about it, but I'm the one behind. Pathetic.
I'm pretty lost and frustrated today. Some more quick summaries about me while I'm at it, feel free to skip this useless stuff, I'm writing it for nostalgic reasons. Here's some of the past accomplishments and activities I remember doing:
I made videos in 2006 as a 13 year old and had hundreds of thousands of views which back in the day was a lot. Unlike my website visits which I honestly might have just exaggerated from memory, these videos are still online and viewable today, they certainly have hundreds of thousands of views. The most views in one vide I've had was around 800,000. I received a comment before that one of my videos was shown to an entire assembly of students at an entire school, what the fuck. I sure made viral videos back in the day.
I made my first website in third grade, and I would make websites for people and classmates throughout elementary school. One of my friends named Cory let me borrow like 20 DVDs for making him a webpage. I especially wanted to watch his Hulk 2003 movie, which just came out at the time, and I was so psyched about it since it just came out. I remember riding my scooter around a mile to go back home, carrying this plastic bag full of DVDs. I watched the Hulk and was disappointed, it was lame and boring for my 3rd grade self. I loved making and updating websites back then, to me it was so much fun to get my content on the web for others to look at and admire even if they were utter garbage made by some 3rd grader.
I acquired my first domain in 2009 that my parents agreed to pay $100 a year for, and I was able to turn that website from a site that had zero visitors, to something that had like 200,000 or something a day, at its peak, back in the day. It's actually this domain that this was all done on, JustMegawatt.com. I remember it used to be a top 100,000 website in the world.
So I wrote short stories back then at 14. I would also write creepypastas. There was this creepypasta circulating around that I rewrote and made edits on, I admit the original story was not by me, but I had improved upon the concept and posted it on my site. This version became the most spread, and it quickly became the most popular page on my website, especially during Halloween, and there was even a movie made about this creepypasta I worked on. A movie on IMDB shares the same title as that creepypasta I put up, and the plot is the same as the creepypasta. I don't remember how significant my edits were to it, I think it was originally a one paragraph story, and I added a few paragraphs to improve it.
I became an admin of a private WoW server at 13, people would come to me for admin help, and I was some kid with a high pitched voice that would go around doing game master work for a bunch of 16 year old teenagers (back then 16 was much much older than 13). I looked up to 16 year olds as "old" back then, to me today, they're kids. 16 year olds are almost babies. Back then 16 year olds were the 10th grade high schoolers, and I was a mere 7th grade middle schooler, so of course I thought the gap between us was huge. Now the gap between a 23 year old and a 26 year old is TINY. There's almost no difference.
Like I wrote earlier I made my first apps when I was 19, and in a year published around 10-20 of them, all in the iOS App store, the Android Play Store, and even the Windows Store. The windows and Android ones were taken down, but the iOS ones are still there. I don't get any income from them though.
When I was 14 I made some flash games. Like, I'm really proud of that. They're still on some sites today and I'm so proud I can just go in and relive my past memories. Oh man I really miss those days. I wish I were a kid again.
Also at 19 I worked on a second viral website, similar concept as this site back in the day, but it had a simpler interface. That was pretty much the only difference, and it worked even better. Also at 19 I mined and played around with Bitcoin and other coins, and even went to the small Bitcoin section in CES 2014, I forgot to mention that. That was literally the only reason I mentioned I got into it back then, was to allude to going to a convention that had it in 2014 at CES. I met a guy there that had 63,000 Bitcoins that I saw in his wallet, I think he worked for blockchain.info. That was one of the factors of why I lost interest in it, this one guy had so freaking many, made it feel like a huge ponzi scheme.
And then I got my first job at 21 in December 1st 2014. Since then up to late January 2018, I just worked this boring job. I signed a 'creative rights' contract that anything I worked on would belong to the company, so I took a stance against this in the only non-offensive legal way I knew how, and that was to not make anything creative at all. All my life I've enjoyed making my own things, and then this contract says 'oh but if you do that, it belongs to us' so I just stopped. It was easier to stop too, but who am I now? I've become pathetic.
I've grown staler and dumber as a person since I did a dumb and stale job for several years. That was my fault. I'm no longer the same person as I was in 2014 or the years before that lead up to 2014. I'm completely changed, all my creativity and lust for hard work is different today, for better or for worse. But, this means I can change again for the future and become even better.
I hope that clears up my past a little and catches my journal entries up to the present. So I'm frustrated today, because I know I could have been someone completely different. But through the wrong choices, the wrong timing, I ended up as someone I never wanted to become.
I hate procrastinating. I hate wasting time. I always have. But it's a problem I have never been able to conquer. Like I said I spent tens of thousands of hours playing video games during my adolescent years. Tens of thousands of hours. From my journal entries even just recently, I literally was able to play over 30 hours of video games in a single weekend alone. It's not hard to imagine I was able to do this back then too and I did it regretfully.
I just want to change and stop procrastinating. To work on the important tasks at hand, and to get them done. Will I ever make it out of the mess I'm currently in and be able to earn an income again? Will I ever be able to become the person I want to be or will I be stuck being the same person I have always been?
I just went back and reread some of what I wrote previously, and changed some things.
I'm in disbelief that it's already 3 months into 2018, and this third month is about to end soon. Time is going by exceptionally fast from my viewpoint. I just go to sleep, I wake up, and then I have this list of tasks to work on. I do some of the tasks, and then I go to sleep. I do it the next day. For the two weeks I spent in the Philippines, the days felt a lot longer, each day felt like an eternity. Here, the days go by fast.
I'm shocked that 2017 is already over. I remember writing my December 31st 2016 entry, writing about my New Year's resolutions, and back then 2017 hadn't even started yet. It was about to start, and I felt that it was going to last a very long time. It's already over. The entire year just went whoosh. There's no point dwelling in the past, I just like thinking about the past, the choices I could have been that would have been better.
So today I did two hours of the web development course I bought a few years back. I went through the entire HTML section, and did the final project in the end. I got HTML down. It's easy. The hard part is the CSS which is the next section, one I haven't started on yet. I mean it's not hard, it's just not something I'm good at yet, it's not something I've gotten used to doing. To me it's hard, there are things I don't understand, what's up with the floats, and the clear fixes? How do I make a site in this layout? I don't know some things that well.
I don't think I can get the next two and a half hours of the course I'm supposed to get done today. I wanted to do it for five hours, and at the time I had around 16 hours of awake time available. I had 11 hours of free time to do anything else, but even with that leeway, I wasn't able to do it. I will try to get more hours in tonight, but for now I'll finish up the homework and upload the previous day's entries and photos.