Sunday, June 10th 2018

10:14 AM

Yesterday was a complete waste of time. I can't even believe that entire day just went by like that. Whew. Complete waste. Complete waste. Why do I spend time on things that don't matter? I need to stop doing that, as it has no meaning in my life. Debating random people online is stupid and a waste of time, because even if you win (which personally I always win), you still lose in real life because all your time is gone and you can't get any of that back.

So why the hell did I waste any time at all, randomly debating people? Fucking waste. Such a waste of time. Plus it then makes me imagine every single person in real life also behaves like the way they do, which they don't, and so I become more cynical towards people in real life. But I won't really become cynical that easily, because I can challenge my own thoughts.

Anyway, those moments of my life are gone now. I can never redo them. I could have studied so much or I could have exercised and I even planned on going to an Eye Doctor place and getting computer glasses. Instead, nope. I wasted my time. Computer glasses would have benefited me tremendously too. Then I could be on the computer for longer without worrying about what it was doing to my vision.

When I'm old, I do realize that if this deterioration keeps up, I'm going to be nearly blind if not completely blind. So that is one of my biggest fears. Why am I wasting any second of my time with people I don't even know, debating them on topics they know little about and can't even win in, when I have other much more important things to do? I freaking hate it. That's my entire day, gone. Just like that.

Of course today is a new day now, and it's 10 AM, so it's morning. I have the entire day ahead of me. I can't go to an eye exam place though as all the places are closed. I'd have to wait until after work on Monday. Opportunities are only available for a short period of time, if you don't take advantage of it when you have the chance to, you may never be given another chance.

I'm a little bit cynical of most of the world anyway. I understand how many things operate. I like to think that I understand how the world works, how human lives work, and ultimately that we have no purpose except for one we make for ourselves individually. I write very pessimistic entries at times and it's mainly because I'm unsure of the future. I'd like to think that my actions are taking me to where I want to go, but even so, one single catastrophe can unravel decades of work and effort.

Well, I know how a lot of things operate. Way too many things. I can make assumptions about how exactly a business or government operates (including behind the scenes) by simply getting a brief description of it, possibly some pictures, and then I can infer something that's pretty close to the truth. I view nothing as a secret anymore. Anything one person can do, anyone else can do. It's possible in another person's lifetime to accomplish what another did (besides things that involve doing X activity at Y age or other physical limitations).

Yeah I don't think there are any secrets. I can just look at a building or structure or even object or a person, and with just a normal summary of them, I can imagine and think about how that thing came to be or think about an entire person's life, that's pretty close to accurate. Even pretty complicated technologies I can pretty much just give a brief summary on how they operate, and I'd be close, even if I don't have a specialized understanding of that. It's not even a special ability, I've just read so much, studied so much, and looked into with detail how things, people's lives, organizations, and so on operate, that to me everything is already out in the open.

I need to just spend my time more wisely. You know, being pulled into or sucked into a debate or conversation with someone you will never meet again and someone who's mind probably won't even be changed despite you being right and despite all the facts being on your side, is akin to having an unfortunate event happen to you. It literally prevents you from doing what you want to do, because then you're sucked into this thing, and they're going to make stupid arguments that makes them think they're right, and you want to do something else, but this moron is going to keep thinking his ignoramus ideas and after a while leave thinking he won if you don't reply back, so then you have to reply back, but then it takes you 30 minutes to an hour to write a reply, and then you post it and he's already gone, and you're frustrated now because that time is gone, but then two more people have joined in thinking they're right so then you have to destroy them next, and so on, and so on. It's nothing but a waste. A complete waste of time.

You know, if I had all the answers, if I knew how the world worked, which I'm very confident in my ability, why am I not ahead of everyone else who does not think more than simple thoughts? Why are there people who think even simpler thoughts and who are multitudes more successful and influential than I am? I blame it all on my inefficient and unproductive way I spend my time. Why can't I just rationally do what I need to? It's easy, I just have to follow these steps, and then I'll make it. That's it.

I mean everything is easy. Everything. There is a way to accomplish everything you ever wanted. Most of the difficult things take a long time, more than a year, sometimes more than five years, sometimes a decade or longer. Most of the things I want to accomplish take at least two years, and for the very long term plans they take more than a decade. It's scary to even imagine, but the years do go by instantly. I need to stop dilly dallying and really just spending my time in any unproductive way at all.

So what is my plan for today? I'm going to spend a good amount of time just going through some programming lessons, and then I'm going to be exercising for a bit. That's it. That's all my plan accounts for in this stage. If I did that yesterday, I wouldn't be a day or more behind. Missing out on a single day means missing out and being delayed by more than just that one day, through the butterfly effect, one single unproductive day possibly weeks or months or even years of lost time and effort.

Anyway, I'm gong to just eat some breakfast now.

10:00 PM

Well there goes the entire day. I actually wasted more of my time again, I browsed some online forums, did not chat with anyone, but just mindlessly read news and browsed online. I have no idea where all that time went, since I was consciously looking at the clock, aware of what time it was, and to me the time seemed to be going by slowly. Like "Oh, I can do this, and this, and this, first, and after that then I'll get started working and studying for the day", what a huge mistake that was because I had just lost track of the time.

You know what I think my biggest advantage would be in the world, right now? I think it would be my ability to use time. If I could just control myself and fully just make myself do these activities which I know are productive and which I know will help me infinitely loads more in the future, then I can definitely lead the life that I want to lead.

I'm going to revise my "Scorecard" again tonight, and change some of the questions up. I'm going to make it so that it is at least relevant to what I want to do with my life, and maybe writing 5000 words a day isn't going to be it, for right now. I don't need to write 5000 words a day just yet, maybe soon, but ah. Maybe I should write 5000 words? But then I know college will start soon, and writing for an hour feels like it would be too much to focus on, so I don't think I can.

I'll try to make a compromise. Because I also want to take notes on what I learned in class, and I want to write that down in my journal, because it's general knowledge anyway. I've already written thousands maybe tens of thousands of words in my "Notes" directory, but I've kept that separate from my actual journal entries. Maybe I should just combine them? That's an idea. Then that way not only would I be able to get around 5000 words, but I'd also be writing notes and recalling them, and firing up my neurons into remembering those things.

So today I browsed the Internet, I did this, I did that, nothing special or productive though. If I could boil everything down to just five minutes of activity, all my hours of work would have been to just click a few times and type a few times and that was it. The rest of that was fluff, browsing from web page to web page, article to article, thread through thread, and so on, but it was a complete waste of time. I gained no productivity from it, I didn't learn anything new I didn't know before, and it didn't change my life in a positive way (it changed it negatively).

Then I got a phone call from some friends that wanted to hang out. They just drove by and called and wanted to hang out with me. I got three phone calls and text messages from three different people. I got annoyed to be pulled in to do this thing I had no plans of doing, but I felt forced and compelled to, so I hung out with them and played Monopoly for four hours. I ended up winning a game. We also talked for a bit, I raced a friend, and then they went home. I didn't think it was very productive.

But we all live so far from each other now, whereas before we'd live like 5 minutes away from each other, now we're at least 30 minutes away each. I'm probably an hour away from one or around an hour for two of them. So we're all very far away, and for some reason they drove here. So they wanted to play at this park that was nearby, I would walk or jog there sometimes, it was on the same path I would travel to get to the woods, but I often go into the woods instead of going down into this park. But yeah, the park was this beautiful place, a huge river ran through it, and you could see another state across the river. You could swim or walk over to the other side (I think the water was shallow enough but maybe not) in just a few minutes but if you drove, that would take around an hour and 40 minutes as you'd have to take this long road that went elsewhere to get to that same spot.

So we played Monopoly. All these guys I've known since high school or earlier. So we've known each other for more than ten years or around ten years, it's been a long freaking time. It doesn't seem that long ago though. Anyway, I just felt frustrated at myself as I turned one of these friends into a version of myself that was more successful. I think I played a huge, huge, huge influential role in this person's life, including getting him interested in computer science, got him started on investing as soon as he started his job, and I was the one who introduced him to cryptocurrency last year.

I'm so ashamed and completely embarrassed. I'm not happy at all for having helped his entire life out. He has made hundreds of thousands off of just knowing me and having conversations with me as I would talk about this and that and everything he learned from me. He would check his portfolio on his phone while we were hanging out, and he didn't buy a new car after I told him how I regretted buying my own new car. He still drives this like 15+ year old car and he makes like double what I make at his work. Fuck. He has learned so many priceless lessons and advice from me, he wouldn't have discovered RobinHood or investing or Cryptocurrency or even his computer science career without me, as I was literally right there being the one that showed and taught him about these things, and was the person who he kept asking questions on when he was new.

What do I get for helping someone's life and basically changing it infinitely for the better? If I kept my mouth shut, if I weren't the kind of person that would just blurt out advice and great ideas, his life would be completely different. So what do I get for helping someone earn hundreds of thousands of dollars? Nothing. I don't even get any satisfaction. I feel shame that I wasn't the one getting that when I could have been. I first heard about it in 2011, and mined crypto in 2013, I was one of the earliest people ever, I even attended a BTC convention in 2014. I even made several YouTube videos about it in 2013. How am I the one who didn't make it, but this person who learned about it from me did?

These questions I just had to ask myself. Maybe I should keep everything I know to myself? Everything that makes sense, why should I advise it to other people? I literally got nothing back from him, not even a "Thank you for showing me Robinhood and investing" not even "Thank you for teaching me about crypto right before as it was about to boom again early last year."

I look at him and the way he speaks about finances and the way he manages his finances now, is like he is a clone of me. Wow. I was shaking my head internally at some points while we were talking as he would say things that I was thinking in my head, nearly word for word. What the fuck have I done? I had a created a more successful clone than me, and I was pissed. I even remember the conversations we had and what we were doing at the time I gave him advice and showed him these new things. I really hate myself. How can I be such a fool? What do I get for doing this?

I hated what had happened. So then I drove back home. And one of my other friends in the group, I remember he said to me last week "Yeah I don't know why anyone would buy a new car, I've tried to come up with any good reason but the cost just wasn't worth it" while we were talking about how much we were paying for insurance, and it was a blatant insult to me. I was so annoyed, I kept thinking that as they drove by in the beat up 15+ year old car they drove on (they went into one car and basically the person I influenced a lot drove them) that they were just laughing at me and talking about me behind my back, at all the money I had wasted (roughly $24k or so), on this new freaking car, and that I was the person they would learn this lesson from, and they would not make the same mistake as me.

There's an exact article on PsychologyToday I just found online. It literally describes how I feel. I think they don't deserve this, and for myself I feel like I could have done that. It's an article about envy when you friends succeed. I'm not the only person in the world who feels these things as it appears to be very common. It looks like envy is more common amongst a close group of friends, as you feel like you could just as easily been in their position, whereas you wouldn't be jealous of an Olympic athlete winner or some random billionaire who lives 100 miles away as you don't relate to them and you feel like they're out of your league. The solutions the article gives is to challenge any envious ideas that you may have.

At first that kind of solution didn't make sense to me, but then some examples were brought up and after reading them, I fully realized how those solutions could help. I'm not feeling as jealous or envious as I did before, literally just a few minutes ago, as I was able to control my own thinking by asking the questions the article provided. It makes so much sense now. Looking at any random group of people, there are people with all kinds of results.

We're all in a way just one universal organism acting as individuals, living life differently as different people, species, genders, in order to experience and fulfill life in a different way. So maybe we're all cut from the same cloth, and how each one of us behaves can be part of an experiment, maybe in the nanochips of an AI?

Oh, and something interesting just came up again regarding the future. Right now we have pretty 'fast' speeds, according to me they're pretty fast. I mean I think I have 100 mbps or so, at the most, I don't even know how fast my speeds really are, but to me they're fast enough. In the future though, I'd imagine hundreds of gigabytes going through in less than a second. Is that even possible? I think so. Sending data through the visible spectrum. I've seen videos of how it works, and it blows my mind how much more data compact it is than radio waves.

So am I still jealous of my friend who had outdone me? No. Why should I be? We each have our own advantages and disadvantages, our own strengths and weaknesses, and our own individual lives to live. Either way we all just die in the end, so whether I'm still jealous or not makes no difference, but it won't be beneficial of me to be jealous. I just have to work on and do things that help, and things will work themselves out. That's what I believe in.

I've got a long life to live, I'm still young, and there is still a long way left to go. A long, long, long way left to go. Most people aren't even conscious that they're alive, I'm glad that I'm conscious and living in the now. This moment is here just once, just one time. I can't be bothered to waste it. I can't be bothered to waste any moment of my life doing things that are disadvantageous to me.

Oh, and I was able to find my eye exam papers. I'm around -5.25 on both eyes. That's so bad. I'm going to make sure from now on to stuff my face with carrots before going to bed, and to make sure that I rest my eyes around every 30 minutes at work, and also to get some computer glasses. I had planned on getting them yesterday, but I wasted my entire day yesterday. I wasted today too for the most part. Although I did find a bit more of myself, I feel like I had wasted a lot more time than necessary.

I can continue to write and eventually get 5000 words today, but to what advantage? I feel like it's not worth it for me anymore. I may change that 5000 words value and change it to half of that or less. Because 5000 words a day is a good amount, considering I also want to do these other activities at the same time.

I did walk 10k steps today though. That's something that I still want to do no matter what. I want to walk 10k steps a day for my health. I have to, have to, have to do this. There is no choice for me. I should come up with a way to punish myself if I don't do it. What way though? Oh. Easy. One hour away from the computer for every task marked 'Required' that I did not do that day. I'm going to work on my Scorecard again right now and add in some required tasks.

11:23 PM

Okay there we go. I'm going to sleep now. My scorecard is so much better right now, wow. It's great. I like answering those questions at the end of the day because it gives me a much fuller evaluation of how the day went, and it gives me this sense that I am in full control of it. Of course, it's still largely within my own actions that I complete the required tasks. For each required task I don't complete, I will have to have dedicate one hour in a day not to using any computers or any technology (no music or anything either).

I have two hours of no computer or technology time for tomorrow because I have marked two required tasks as No. So, there we go.

Tasks Today

Full list in the Extended Backlog page

No Technology Punishment Hours (for not completing yesterday's required tasks): 0
--Required Daily Tasks--
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I write at least 2000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I program for at least an hour? No
Did I eat carrots before going to sleep? Yes
Did I work on or complete any backlog tasks? No

--Questions About Today--
Was today a productive day? No
Did you take a selfie for the day? Yes
Did I upload that selfie? No
Did you upload the previous day's journal entry? No
Did I eat just around 2000 calories today? No
Rate how satisfied you were with today: 5

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 4:00 AM

4:00 AM – Sleeping – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Setting Up Today – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Writing Journal – 10:44 AM

10:44 AM – Eating Food – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Wasting Time – 4:00 PM

4:00 PM – Friends – 8:00 PM

8:00 PM – Exercising – 9:30 PM

9:30 PM – Break – 10:00 PM

10:00 PM – Writing Journal – 11:15 PM

11:15 PM – Updating Scorecard – 11:23 PM

11:23 PM – Writing Journal – 11:28 PM

11:28 PM – Preparing to Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (2:27)
Setting Up Today (0:14)
Writing Journal (1:50)
Exercising (1:30)
Updating Scorecard (0:08)

Neutral Hours (10:47)
Sleeping (6:00)
Eating Food (0:16)
Friends (4:00)
Preparing to Sleep (0:31)

Unproductive Hours (4:00)
Wasting Time (4:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 292
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 48
Game Development: 4