Wednesday, June 6th 2018
So I decided to cut my hair yesterday instead of going out to walk or run for some reason. I figured that my hair was getting too long and it was starting to look uncool, so I decided to cut my own hair. Well I did a really bad job, it's been a while since I last did this but I remember being decent or even good at it, so my dad stepped in and tried to help, but he did even worse. So in the end we decided to just completely trim my hair down all the way to level 5 on the razor. I can wear a hat and it looks cool on me now.
Then I wasted my time last night. I'm not even sure what I did, I don't fully remember. I didn't do "that" again, nor did I just waste time watching videos. So I shrug. Who knows what I did last night? I was definitely on my computer, but doing what? It was such a waste of time activity in the end that even I don't remember what I did, and I was the one performing the activity.
Today at work, well, should I go describe today already, or should I go out and exercise first? I think I'm going to go out and exercise first, because the sun is going down, and I want to have some time to be able to run and play escape the woods today.
Alright I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I got 10k steps again today! I don't know if the words I type are wrong or right, who knows? Well. Shit. I feel really lonely.
The last time I went on a date was two years ago, more than two years ago. The last time I went out on a date was when Allegiant from the Divergent series came out. I remember taking her to the movies, and she would send me hearts and flirty things afterwards. I wasn't too into her though, she lived like 1.5 hours away, and it was a long drive to get there. Otherwise I might've considered. But she wouldn't have done well with me anyway.
Those are now memories. I'm listening to some 60s songs or maybe they're from the 70s, as I type this with my eyes closed. You know, even back then, in the early 2000s when I first listened to the 60s and 70s music, these kinds of songs were already old. I listened to them in this oldies channel. That's what it was called, they're still live today and I still listen to that radio station. Wow. I can't believe their radio station is apparently pretty close to where I am right now, relatively speaking. It's still about 30-40 minutes away, but it's close.
I feel sad. Work is educational and I am learning a lot, and it is so productive, and it is so great and cool, and I really appreciate the opportunity. But I still feel so incomplete... I don't think it will matter really what I have or what I get, I'll still feel the same. I just won't feel whole. There's always something to be sad about or someone who has it way better. Always.
Then, getting older is no fun either. Every day that I get older it feels.... Hmm.. not quite fun at all. of course, 'm the youngest today than I'l ever be, so I should really appreciate and have fun today, because I'll only be today for such a short amount of time in comparison to being tomorrow for much longer. I'm only 24 once. I would give up all my money to be 22 again. to be 23 again. to be 21 again. I'd give it all. everything I have to even be just one year younger (meaning that I'd get everything back in time from back then).
And you know, I guess there are still a good amount of people I love alive today. it's not quite as lonely as I think. It will be even more lonely when they're gone. I should appreciate these moments, because we never know when our loved ones will go away, and they will, for one reason or another, everyone goes.
So can I be happy? Even if I were in a relationship? Even if I made a lot of money? Even if I had a lot of money? Even if I got everything I ever wanted? Would I be happy? Who knows? I am not any of those things. Maybe I'd be happy, just temporarily, then it would go away again.
I end up taking everything for gtanted, no matter how hard I worked to get something or if it's something other people consider a hard feat. I take it for granted. Eventually. Everything. Anyway, I just love listening to oldies. I've listened to Ventura Highway on repeat several times now, and it's such a good, sad song. It's not even supposed to be sad, but it just sounds nostalgic considering I listened to it for the first time around 15 years ago. I listened to all these songs for the first time 15 years ago.
Oh man. I want to cry again. Things just change so exponentially fast. I wish things could slow down, so that I could do more with the time given to me. But it keeps on moving. When my classes start in two to three weeks, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep up. I an already barely do 5000 words a day, and I can already barely do 10k steps a day. I might have to really just reduce it down to 1000 words at this point, because there's no way I can fit all of this into my schedule. It'll be sleeping time for me by the time I finish writing this, so that I can finally get some decent sleep.
I have not had 8 hours of sleep for a while. I'm tired at work, sleepy often, when I'm bored. But today I was very challenged. Last night my parents told me that I had to be the one to drop off my mom this morning, so there was no problem with that. We left around 7:40 AM, my dad left before us, and he's still not home yet. He's still out at work, and he won't get here until around 10 PM. That's crazy right? More than 15 hours of work in a single day? But I think he makes less than me too despite all his hours. Ouch.
So what am I doing with my time? Am I just slow or stupid? The projects and tasks being assigned to me at work are seemingly harder and harder, and I took all day today trying to figure something out, and I wasn't able to. I just feel really incompetent, you know? Very stupid, very slow, very dull. How can others just do this instantly, when it takes me so long to figure out?
I actually learn so much more when I try to figure things out myself, but what I have to do is so intricate it has to be done a certain way or else it doesn't even work. So I can't fully just experiment and do whatever I want, I have to kind of figure things out, own my own, and then look online for resources on ideas on how to solve this specific problem. Because every problem I've ran into so far, someone else has had, and I basically used their knowledge and experience to help.
All these things though, I can do again, without as much help since I have learned the process myself. But every day I'm constantly given new assignments where I have to try new things, and the old things that were applicable for these problems turn out not to be applicable for this new one. I am still working at this one problem today, because I still have not figured it out. Gosh it is so not easy. This is complicated stuff, I think. Maybe it's easy and I'm just not familiar with it, but I don't think it's very easy.
Am I just slow or do I need more sleep? Why can't I figure this out? It's frustrating. I feel like a total failure, like I'm being completely overwhelmed. This is great though, I should be grateful, at least if/when this challenge is completed I'd have gone through tough terrain and learned in the process.
Still. I feel overwhelmed. I'm not sure if I can get to 5k words today because I want to keep working and I want to try and figure this out. At the same time the VM I'm using is currently restarting, so there is stil quite some time before I really have to leave and restart the computer as well. I feel like just closing my eyes for a while and napping. Oh, and I didn't eat any lunch today. I worked through the entire day, trying to figure this thing out, and I was not able to figure it out.
What are some other great nostalgic songs besides Ventura Highway? I guess For What It's Worth is another great nostalgic song. It definitely makes me want to cry. It's such a classic song. Most of these oldies are complete classics, at least, they are to me. There's also that very sad and nostalgic song "Our House" by Crosby Stills and Nash, that's such an awesome, great, song. I remember listening to it in 2014, imagining the relationships I would be in... yeah.
There's also that song "I think we're alone now" by Tommy James and The Shondells, that's another classic song. It also made me think about and imagine relationships I'd be in. Crimson and Clover is another song made by the same band, but I honestly never listened or discovered their song until around 2013 or so, maybe even later, so this song isn't a 'classic' to my ears, it's a relatively new song to me. Although it still sounds like a classic, it isn't that way to me.
This is one of the "newer" songs, but Brand New Key by Melanie is a classic. It always makes me feel happy, yet nostalgic and sad, but very optimistic about the future. It makes me feel conflicting emotions. This song made me fall in love with a few different girls when I would imagine them being the person starring in this song (I'd say "singing" but I didn't imagine them just singing, but imagined them thinking these thoughts of the song).
People interpret that song in different ways it seems. I've always imagined the song was about a young girl who had a crush on a guy, and she had just gotten a new pair of roller skates. She goes around in the skates and loves going places, he got a brand new car hence "key", and she tries to impress the boy by saying she's got a new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new car, we should hang out and do things together. The guy was just living his normal life, and it was the girl who was really into the guy and even came by his house to hang out with him. I thought it was a very sweet and innocent song.
There were just some girls in real life that really embodied this song, that, I really felt like they were that person in the song. Another nostalgic song is Brass in Pocket by The Pretenders. Then there's Centerfold by the J. Geils Band, and just tons and tons of songs from the 60s and 70s. I have heard practically every single hit song from the 60s and 70s, and they didn't even have to be hits, they could've just been some random song. I've probably heard it.
There's no new 60s and 70s music, so I've heard a good amount of them. I've heard a lot of them. So freaking many. From years of listening to a radio station dedicated to songs of that era. They're great. They're awesome. They have this distinct sound to them. I wonder why we don't create modern music in their style, right? Why don't we? Something I've thought about. Maybe those kinds of songs do get created, but they just don't become hits, because there's a new generation of listeners, and they're not interested in the old stuff.
That also makes me question whether any of the songs from back then, if they were released today, would they still become a hit? Even the songs with tens of millions or even hundreds of millions of views? Would they be relevant today? Would a song from 2014 that was a hit in 2014, be a hit in 2018? Who knows. The only way to find out is to literally make songs in 2014, then don't release it until 2018. But will that be done, has someone already started on that process? If it doesn't happen then this year ends, then it can never be repeated again.
I admit that I still like modern songs a lot, there's a good amount of them that I still enjoy. But they don't make me feel the same way listening to a 60s and 70s song makes me feel. That makes me feel special in a different way.
Anyway. I'm going to just take a break for a while. I'm not sure where my life is going at the moment, but I'm just taking it to wherever it takes me.
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Full list in the Extended Backlog page
Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? No
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? No
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No
12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 1:00 AM
1:00 AM – Sleeping – 6:24 AM
6:24 AM – Checking Time – 6:29 AM
6:29 AM – Sleeping – 7:20 AM
7:20 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:40 AM
7:40 AM – Driving – 8:10 AM
8:10 AM – Working – 5:01 PM
5:01 PM – Driving – 5:35 PM
5:35 PM – Break – 6:35 PM
6:35 PM – Web Development – 7:49 PM
7:49 PM – Setting Up Today – 7:57 PM
7:57 PM – Writing Journal – 8:00 PM
8:00 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 8:05 PM
8:05 PM – Exercising – 9:35 PM
9:35 PM – Browsing Internet – 9:47 PM
9:47 PM – Writing Journal – 10:41 PM
10:41 PM – Watching Videos – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (12:40)
Web Development (2:08)
Setting Up Today (0:08)
Writing Journal (0:03)
Neutral Hours (8:28)
Checking Time (0:05)
Preparing for Work (0:20)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:05)
Unproductive Hours (2:30)
Wasting Time (1:00)
Browsing Internet (0:12)
Watching Videos (1:18)
Web Development: 276
General Programming: 8
Game Development: 4