Monday, June 4th 2018
Good morning! Yesterday was an interesting day. I had some friends that I hadn't seen in a while really desperately asking me to hang out with them, like a lot, over the phone. I also somehow walked 10k steps yesterday. I did walk outside in the rain, but it wasn't for that long, maybe just around 45 minutes or at least that's what it felt like, I didn't track those hours yesterday even though I should have. Then I walked a little bit that night, maybe just 30 minutes or so, but to reach 10k steps in just 1 hour and 15 minutes? That's the amount of time I remember walking, and to me that doesn't even sound possible!
Anyway, what was interesting yesterday is that it got me very paranoid. What we did was play a game of monopoly between three friends. I was possibly the most successful in our group, not that I know how much what everyone else had nor do I know all of their accomplishments, but knowing myself, and knowing what I know of them, and these are two friends I've known for over 10 years and we share our deepest secrets and inner lives with each other including our income and how much money we have and so on. Knowing what I know about each other, and knowing what I know about myself, I came to believe that I was the most successful in the group (although one friend did have much more income than me but he has only worked a year versus my three years).
So let's call my friend that makes a decent amount more money than me but has only been working for a year, Macho. Let's call my other friend, one who has been unemployed for over a year, and who is going back to school this fall, and is pretty much struggling right now, A2. Alright so Macho has not seen me in around a year, and he would text me often but I would reply late or not at all, and he has gotten really worried that I didn't like him or something, and so he got A2 to call me today so we could hang out, and they both pretty much really begged me to hang out, saying things like "please, please, we would deeply appreciate it, we can even pick you up" and they kept calling, so although I didn't want to, I was pushed into hanging out with them, but it wasn't like I had much to do anyway. Okay cool.
So we end up hanging out and talking and we would talk about my new job and the experiences I was going through. I told them whatever they asked, they asked how much I made, what my hours were, what my work was like, and so on. This was just in the car, and I was happily and openly talking to these close friends of mine all about what I was up to. I'm already very open, I'm possibly the most open person in the world considering that I write about my literal everyday life in basically full detail, and I don't know anyone else that does this, online or otherwise.
What got me very paranoid and very afraid, like I am scared nearly shitless as I write this right now, I am so scared! It's weird how the brain can just play tricks on you like this. But what I'm terrified by is that we played monopoly. I got completely wrecked in that game. For some strange reason I got the unluckiest of chance cards, the unluckiest of the community chest cards, and the worst spots to land on. I landed in monopoly jail at least 3 times by landing on the go to jail tile, I passed "Go" 4 times only to end up landing on the "Tax Income" tile (which takes away 200 cash from you), and I literally would land in the absolute worst spots feasible.
In the beginning I was doing decently, not like I was much ahead of everyone else, but we were basically all even. I was not ahead, but my brain is getting me to think that I was. Basically, the reason why I am so afraid and paranoid right now, is because that after I was dropped off at home, I began to imagine, what if this game was like real life? What if this game was an analogy of what would happen in real life? Like I said, I was doing pretty decently, but not too bad either, but I still landed in really bad spots, like throughout the entire game I would land in the most terrible positions, from the very beginning I landed on bad tiles but my brain is getting me to think that I didn't. My brain is trying to tell me that I was dominating in the beginning of the game, and then Macho caught up and did a little better, and then A2 who was the worst player completely blew passed me and Macho and ended up winning through a complete monopoly (that is not what happened).
What ended up happening is that I kept on landing on all these terrible tiles, and I was not getting better. Eventually it looked like A2 was starting to dominate, and he basically was, he just bought 3 houses on all three of the pink properties, and so I just gave up and quit the game. Often times I would have less than 100 cash because it kept getting taken away from me, it was such a shitty game. I had no chance at all to catch up and so I just watched the two of them go at it.
Eventually A2 ended up winning but it was obvious for a long time. He eventually just kept getting more and more property, and Macho would often jump over A2's entire lane of pink and orange, like, he had gotten to that community chest so many freaking times, like 8 out of 10 times he would not land on orange or pink, but would land in the community chest and escape that entire row which eventually all had 4 houses on each. It was crazy.
But there would also be times when he would land on those tiles, and he would end up having to pay a lot, like over 600 cash on any of those tiles he landed on. It was very obvious that A2 had already won the game, but Macho kept on playing, he just wouldn't surrender (the game should've been over at least an hour or two before the game actually ended, I quit at just about the time it should have ended).
It was really boring watching it all. Eventually the game ended, A2 ended up winning by so much it wasn't even funny. Then Macho went home, and I was picked up by them so I had to be dropped off by someone, and then A2 invited me to walk with him for a bit (probably how I got 10k steps, although I did get some steps earlier in that day as well, I doubt it was anywhere close considering the small distance I traveled). During our walk I just gave A2 advice on his life, like, very useful, very meaningful advice. He was the most behind out of our group of friends, he had been unemployed for a long time, he had just this certain amount of money in that he told us and that was it, and he wasn't spending his time productively.
I gave him possibly some very life changing advice, just about concepts and ideas about everything, that I have most likely already written about here, scattered everywhere, about life, about productivity, and so on. I even asked him if he tracked his time and if he spent as much time working on his ideas as he thought he did. I don't know anyone else that really tracks their time like me, either. And yeah, I told him about what he should do, about how I got to where I was, and so on.
And during the drive home (I lived around 30 minutes away) we kept on talking about similar things. So he basically had this hour or more of free consultation on his life and how it was going and what he could do to make it better from me. And then he dropped me off at home, thanked me a lot for hanging out with them, and then I went home. Then I became terrified. What if that game of monopoly was akin to what was about to happen in real life?
What if everything in my life goes to shit, and I keep landing on these bad tiles and everything I earn gets taken away, and none of my effort works out for anything? And both Macho and A2 will continue doing better than me, and A2 will somehow completely blow away me and Macho even though we are ahead of him right now. Then I thought about how, how would Macho be able to do that? Then the hour talk of completely free personal advice and ideas came to mind, and he was thanking me vigorously for these concepts and ideas he's never even thought of. He just came to much realization I don't think he would have realized otherwise.
So, I became very scared. What if that monopoly game were to come true, right? This morning my mom called and asked if I could deliver this gift package she forgot to bring, to her workplace, either this morning, or during lunch. What the fuck. It's really not that big of a deal, like, looking at it from a neutral perspective, it's just dropping off some package, but this terrified me and got me a bit paranoid. Like what if this was the start of the bad tiles?! What if this was the end of everything, what if, the analogy to me quitting the game before A2 and Macho played our the rest, was me committing suicide and ending it all due to the terrible events that would play out? That's freaking scary.
I really don't want anything like that to happen. I work hard for what I get, I put in effort, I try, and I think about things logically and plan things out logically. I don't want to just lose off of some fluke chances, that would be terrible. And so I'm very scared and frightened. What if that monopoly game came true?
Of course in reality, the monopoly game has no bearing in real life. I mean A2 said he used to play that game for 5 hours a day, that's how he knew all the best strategies, and he did know the best strategies. Macho and I were just playing for fun, we had no idea of any of the deeper strategies or anything that came with the game, which A2 knew about well. So there shouldn't have been any surprise that he won, actually. But my brain just thinks otherwise, like, oh no this is the end!
And that has gotten me very scared. It is frightening. Anyway, I'm surprised I wrote 2000 words already, and I do have work today. Today I'm planning on working, taking a break for lunch to drop off the package, coming back to work, working, picking up my mom, and then going home, possibly taking a nap or eating, and then going outside to walk/run to get 10k steps.
What is really scary is that I am super sleepy right now. I'm going to have to sit through work entirely like this, and then during lunch, have to drop off some package. I'm freaking tired as hell right now. I want to go to sleep again. Of course I should just suck it up and deal with it, so that's what I'm going to do. Please don't let that monopoly board game reflect real life. I don't want to subconsciously make everything that happens to me look like "evidence" that this game was turning to reality, and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, because that would be my nightmare. I know logically that game has no bearing in real life, but unconscious actions and will can cause events to be perceived as the game in real life unfolding, causing me to behave and react to things as if that were turning to reality, making it actually turn into reality.
You know? That would be a nightmare. Please don't let it happen. I'm going to continue working hard and doing my best, please, please, I just want my life to go well.
Today has been quite a day. It has been my most unproductive day so far. I have been assigned some more tasks to do of course, but this time I was not able to figure it out. Also, during work this morning, I actually drove back home because I was so paranoid and scared about having left the electric stove on (it wasn't even on), and I had all these imaginings of everything burning down and all my fears coming true. I think if that were to happen, and if I had to end up paying so many bills, I may have just committed suicide as what else was there for me to do?
So tonight, I'm actually going to buy an electric stove. Actually not an electric stove, but an electric oven. They're about $30-$50 online that I can see, and hopefully they're around the same price in real life. I'm just planning on going to Wal-Mart later tonight and buying one, because the timer on this current model is kind of flawed and it doesn't go to zero, it stays at like 5 minutes or something and gets stuck. It might be because of the dirt and grime that prevent it from moving from that position, but yeah, it's definitely a fire risk and I never ever thought about it before.
And at work I was not able to figure it out. It was so freaking hard and tough, like I don't even know where to start! So I'm going to have to study some web development here tonight as well, because I need to know this. I mean it's not even obvious where I need to start, but just the tasks I need to accomplish, I need more general learning experience to be able to get through it. It was so hard and I was so stressed.
During sometime in the afternoon as well, my manager just came up to me and called me to come with him. Uh oh, was I in trouble? He didn't say anything except for me to just come with him, and I was lead down this hallway into a meeting room and was asked to sit. I had no idea what was going on. Then two other guys came in the room and one started connecting their laptop to the projector, and I was just sitting there thinking what was going on? So apparently my manager wants me to work on this new project with him, and I was given an introduction to the project there and what we were required to do.
Then later when I picked up my mom, we just drove and left but I got stressed out again. I'm paying actually $500 every paycheck I have to my parents, in order to help pay for the bills and our home and all (I already pay for our phone bills which is even more than that), so I have to pay $1k every month basically plus a little bit more, and so what can I even save? And so I told my mom I was stressed out about all this, and she told me about how my dad had to work here while I was growing up all by himself and he didn't complain. Fair enough, but still, this... this isn't cheap, and it hurts a lot, it kind of sucks when I just think about my friends who make a ton more than I do and they don't pay any rent themselves to their parents, and here I am having had paid a minimum of $500 every month since I was 19, and then paid increasingly more as the years went by. Plus all the other costs and things.
It's not fair... but I can't think that way. People have been able to do better with much less. I guess it's all up to us with what we do with what we have. I'm not going to complain. This isn't that bad. It's not the best, it's not great when I compare myself to others, but I shouldn't, and I don't need to. We're all going through life at our own pace and conquering our own challenges and getting through our own days.
I'm going to go take a walk outside and get 10k steps before it gets too dark. I'm still surprised I was able to get 10k steps yesterday, despite not at all planning on getting that. I walked a small amount I think, like, just a quarter of the way into the woods, and then I walked a bit with A2 last night, and that was it. Here I am 10k steps later.
Yeah, I'm just going through life in my own way. I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, I make terrible decisions. But I try. I'm not trying to just be average, but sometimes what else can you really do? What else can I really do? I want to walk 10k steps a day, I want to write at least 5k words a day, I want to work on web page development for at least 8 hours or so a day, so what can I do? There's just a limited amount of time in a day, and my time is gone pretty fast.
So, time for me to walk outside.
Alright I just did my 10k steps today. I'm going to finish up my journal entries, upload them online, then go out and buy that electric oven to replace this current one. I kid you not at how paranoid I was at this thing this morning, that I actually left work around 8:50 AM to go out and drive back home, only to just end up going back after checking there was nothing there. I then swore that I would replace that electric oven later tonight, it was the number one thought in my mind.
Am I frightened? Of course I am frightened. I am so freaking terrified. Not at going to a Wal-Mart or about that imagined fire, but about how much harder I have to work just to keep up with my peers. Man. Just got to keep going though. I have to keep on going. I bet they work even harder than I do, and probably did, in order to get to where they are now. So I have to just put in twice the effort in order for me to get the same result. In the long run, am I going to stand a chance? Am I going to be able to get through this? I don't know.
I think I have a plan for what to do, but even things at work are starting to get to the difficult point where I literally spent all day today and I did not make a single change or fix. I had no idea what was wrong. I'm going to study a bit of that tonight to see what I could do. Then I have to wake up at around 6:30 Am tomorrow so I can drop my mom off at 7 AM. So my schedule is filled.
I guess this is what it's like to have a busy schedule, aye? I've never experienced this before. I've never really had a busy schedule. Most of my time was free, but I spent it all in vain doing unnecessary useless activities. I still have double my entire lifespan at least, I think, if I even make it to 50, so I can do literally everything that I've done so far in the remaining future years, plus a bit more due to more experience and knowledge.
Still, I'm very insecure as I just don't know what the future holds. Everyone else is so calm and it seems like they know what they're doing. I'm probably so much more terrified because I know what I'm doing and I know what the future holds. I think that's why I'm more terrified. I'm also terrified because even though you can try your best, you can still end up a disaster. You can literally work towards something for years and have it all crashing down on you, it has happened to many, many people. There are countless stories and tales of people who have experienced such a thing happening to them, and really, it can happen to anyone, and it will eventually happen to everyone. So that's why I'm terrified.
I would not be able to survive if something terrible were to happen. How can I? What can I do? I don't even feel that secure with my friends, I think. Maybe they will be there to help me just like I'm there for them, but at the same time, I don't really want to ask them for anything. It's not that I would be ashamed about it, I mean I have asked my elderly great aunt for some education money just because she offered to ask her if I needed anything. But I don't think I want to ask my friends, I sometimes feel like I raised them in a way, because they grew up around me, and were pretty much completely influenced by me and my philosophy and lifestyle, though they may not admit that, I see how my own presence in front of them has affected them so much.
So yeah I am scared. It's weird how I wasn't so scared or afraid just two months ago when I was unemployed, working on my skillset, trying to get better. Now that I'm in this position at work where I literally don't know where to go from here or what to do with the tasks they assigned me, I do feel scared now. I've never really gotten help on any of the tasks I completed, they just told me to work on this, and I did that, fast. Now I set up this level of expectation from me, and they expect this every time. I would usually get multiple tasks that they assigned to me done per day, on that same day, activities that they would've thought and I originally thought would've taken at least a day or two or more, and I got that done in a few hours.
Now I have these four seemingly normal tasks, and I don't know how to do any of them. I've used up what experience I had, and I dug around the source code and tried to figure out this and that, and I don't know. I don't know what is going on. So I am a bit worried about that, but hopefully this all passes by like a distant memory, in the future.
Then I went out on a walk today. I ran for a bit as well. Just 10k steps, a little bit over. I ran outside of the woods again. Call me crazy but I think it's fun running out of there. I even subtitled it in my brain tonight, "oh man it's getting dark, it's time to escape the woods the video game in real life" and I just started running and sprinting out in a panic. It was seriously scary running out of there. Did I mention the rocky path? There's not much stable ground to run on, as every two steps or so you'd step on a rock, sure there's some wood shavings that make up the path, but there's also big rocks to step over and jump on and they are freaking everywhere and the ground is unstable.
That's how I got a sprain or a rolled ankle last time. I basically just ran. Whoa, I heard some loud cough that sounded like it was from my dad, but he doesn't get home until 10 PM. So I just basically ran and I was crossing this tiny stream of water, that actually you can't really step over because your ankles and your entire foot and shoe would get soaked depending on how deep the water was, so you have to jump on these rocks, and I don't really think about it that much, but this can be fatal. Like one wrong step and you're falling bang head first into the rocks, and there's plenty of rocks, like, rocks that are 50 to 100 pounds heavy, they're these huge rocks and they can be slippery when wet. Maybe it's safer to literally just get your entire shoes wet than it is to step on the rocks. Plus it's a distance into the woods, not close to the roads, shit, if you fell there, ouch. How is anyone going to be able to get to you in time when it's deserted and dark?
Many times I've been the last person in there. Literally zero people for hours walking in there. It's frightening like that. If something happens, you're gone. How are you going to get back to civilization? Oh wait, actually I lied. I have seen a white truck working for the forest or park community, doing some maintenance things way down in the woods, so vehicles can technically drive through there. Although I was actually very annoyed because I had to stand on the side of the road in order to let them pass, and I had just finished a jog, and when they passed me, I immediately inhaled a huge puff of fumes and the smell was so strong I started spitting it out in large chunks, yuck.
Oh yeah. I got really sleepy in the office today. Maybe that's why my performance wasn't great? It might have something to do with it. I need to get at least 8 hours of sleep tonight, so that means sleeping around 10 PM. I'm going to sleep as soon as I get back from the Wal-Mart and I have bought that electric oven.
My dad is going to be here soon so I am going to cook some rice. I'll be back.
Yeah so where was I? Yeah I'm going to go out and buy an electric oven soon, bring that home, and replace this current one. That is the plan. First I'm going to finish writing this journal entry though, and then I'm going to go out and upload these entries, and then I'm going to go out and buy an electric oven. Oh yeah.
Can an AI replicate me and my writing? Most likely. It would be scary and terrifying though. If I could read something an AI wrote in imitation of me, and I couldn't tell if it was me who wrote it or not, then we are screwed. I at least should have a memory of the past events that happened in my life, and I at least should have a memory of what I wrote and didn't write. So with those two advantages, there should be no writing that I can't discern was mine or not. But then again, some human can probably imitate my writing and I probably might even think that I wrote that even if I didn't.
I don't usually read what I write, I just write, and then I upload it. I don't review, I don't check. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't. So I really have no idea what I write here sometimes. I just scrolled up and tried to read a paragraph, and I had no memory of having written that paragraph at all, nor was I familiar with that I sounded like that. I'm basically at 5000 words now and I don't know what to write about next.
What am I to write about next? What is my plan for tonight? I guess I'm going to go out and buy an electric oven real soon, and then I'm going to come back here, and probably sleep. Oh yeah, I have to first upload my entries online. I don't know how many days I am behind, but I have to catch up on the entries first.
Maybe I may even just wait for my dad to get back here so that I can leave knowing that someone's watching the rice being cooked. I mean my mom is here, but she's asleep. I use a rice cooker so for the most part everything should be fine, if it we were cooking rice on a stove, then that might be more dangerous, but I think an electric rice cooker is safer than that, so it should be fine. Yeah I'll wait for my dad to get back here. It might take me a while to upload my journal entries anyway, and I might chill out for a bit since I literally just got home from walking / running and I'm already writing and then getting ready to leave again.
So there we go. I have 5k words now. Well actually no I don't. I thought I did, but I have just around 4930 or so. So I have to just write a bit more words as fluff and some of the words I write may not make any sense. During my walk / run today I actually thought about what was more valuable than money, and I have to agree with myself that time is more valuable than money. Time is more valuable than money. I thought about just how much one hour in a 24 year old's life was worth, and I came up with this arbitrary number of $1000. There is a wealthy person out there who would trade $1000 per every 1 hour of being 24 that they could live again. If it were available, I bet it would sell out instantly.
I mean $1000 isn't a lot to a lot of older and richer people, so it would be no problem at all to spend that much, just to experience being 24 again. I don't feel like it's a young age, I feel like it's 'the age' to be, like there's no other age besides 24 and this changes personally every year of course, but yeah. This is the age to be. I'm not any older or younger, just the right age, I think. Oh well. Let's go.
Upload 7 Days' Worth of Photos to IG
Upload Latest Journal Entries Buy Electric Oven
Full list in the Extended Backlog page
Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? Yes
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? Yes
12:00 AM – Friends – 1:00 AM
1:00 AM – Sleeping – 6:30 AM
6:30 AM – Bathroom – 6:40 AM
6:40 AM – Wasting Time – 6:50 AM
6:50 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:07 AM
7:07 AM – Writing Journal – 7:57 AM
7:57 AM – Preparing for Work – 8:15 AM
8:15 AM – Driving – 8:32 AM
8:32 AM – Working – 5:01 PM
5:01 PM – Driving – 5:50 PM
5:50 PM – Break – 6:50 PM
6:50 PM – Wasting Time – 7:35 PM
7:35 PM – Writing Journal – 7:51 PM
7:51 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 7:55 PM
7:55 PM – Walking Outside – 9:11 PM
9:11 PM – Writing Journal – 9:35 PM
9:35 PM – Cooking Rice – 9:40 PM
9:40 PM – Writing Journal – 9:51 PM
9:51 PM – Uploading Entries – 10:13 PM
10:13 PM – Preparing to go outside – 10:18 PM
10:18 PM – Buying Electric Oven – 11:23 PM
11:23 PM – Setting Up Oven and Changing Router Info – 11:50 PM
11:50 PM – Preparing to Sleep – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (11:32)
Setting Up Today (0:17)
Writing Journal (1:41)
Walking Outside (1:16)
Uploading Entries (0:22)
Setting Up Oven and Changing Router Info (0:27)
Neutral Hours (9:22)
Preparing for Work (0:18)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:04)
Cooking Rice (0:05)
Preparing to go outside (0:05)
Preparing to Sleep (0:09)
Unproductive Hours (0:55)
Wasting Time (0:55)
Web Development: 259
General Programming: 8
Game Development: 4