Friday, June 1st 2018

9:30 PM

I don't do this often, in fact I never do this, or I just rarely do this, because I might have done this before, but I am now typing at night with my window curtains open and the lights on behind me. The reason I don't do this is because I can't see outside, but people can one hundred percent see in, very clearly. They can see every single aspect of my room, right now.

I have tested this before by turning on my lights, then going outside, and I could see every inch of my room (well from the ground level) and it was kind of disturbing how clear it was. So that's why I don't keep my lights on, but tonight, I am keeping them on, because very few people pass by in front of my windows anyway, and they're not really going to be camping outside, so I don't care.

Plus, I can actually see some lights outside. I cannot see anything else, like everything else is literally either pitch black, or it's just my room being reflected from the windows and the lights in my room. So I can basically just see my room and everything reflected from it, like the door and the kitchen, etc, from my windows, but I can't see anything outside, except for some light sources like lamp posts that are scarcely visible. I can see one light post, that's it. Still, that one light post should suffice as the 'further back area for my vision. Because without it, I would just be staring directly at my curtains, and that sucks.

So last night I ended up not doing "that" despite planning on doing "that". I wanted to do it in fact, but I was very sleepy, so I went to sleep instead. At first I just wanted to lie down and see what trying to sleep would be like, but then before I realized it, I was being woken up by my parents who told me to get up now! I got up at around 6:40 AM, man it feels like high school over again, except I think I actually had to wake up earlier for that... no, roughly the same time. Yeah. I would wake up at 6:40 AM or 6:30 AM, mostly earlier, on high school days and my parents would be the one waking me up.

Afterwards I just took a quick shower, I took the 'coldest' shower I've taken I think, this week. Because yesterday I took a 'warm' shower again. One second I'm cooking beans, or warming up water for the beans, I'm going to check on the water. The water was not boiling yet, but I heard something, and it turns out that was the rice that I was cooking.

Anyway, I took the coldest shower I did for the week, today. I put it at the in between point of cold and hot, and it was colder than usual. It was a little bit warm, but it was also a little bit cold. I thought that getting in this kind of cool shower would make it so then I could get out of the shower and not feel cold from the wind, and nope, I still felt cold! In fact, I felt a lot colder than if I had taken the hottest shower, because taking the hottest shower means that I have that 'heat shield' from the cold air, that lasts at least a few seconds, so it's a useful thing. But with this, I didn't have any such shield, so I was freezing as I tried to dry myself off quickly.

Afterwards I changed, then grabbed some cherries from the fridge, and my mom and I headed out the door and I drove her to her workplace. Again, pretty same, normal drive. I think sometimes extraordinary things do happen in these drives, but even then, I just forget. Like there was a day there was a long traffic where I was stuck for, for a while, and I don't even think I wrote about it. I just wrote about it as a normal drive, because even traffic is very normal.

There was sometime last year where I saw someone get into an accident, I saw it, I heard the noise, everything, and I don't even think I wrote about it. It happened to some yellow car, and they were completely totaled, the passenger side was completely wrecked, at least that wasn't the driver's side. Whew. There was also a time when I didn't notice there was someone behind me, so I started reversing, and they honked their shit going crazy, I was so shocked and surprised, this happened maybe last week, and I don't even think I wrote about it.

There was that giant hail storm that one day that happened last year, my car was getting hammered on by these hail rocks and I don't think I even wrote about that. Ooh. I can see some bugs trying to get into the house because of the lights, but they're stopped by the glass. Hmm... maybe I should close the windows just in case they do get in? There's already so many dead bugs in the lamp above me, and in the hallway lights. It's so freaking sad. I've had to rescue a few insects from there as well, whenever they get stuck and they're flapping and buzzing, I can't help but feel sympathy and get them out. I don't think I ever wrote about those, but I've rescued at least 30+ insects from my home now, maybe a lot more than that. And sometimes they're not even easy to get, like sometimes it would take me an hour or so to get them out from the lamp without killing them. Water for the beans is boiling.

Yeah, sometimes I'd even go wash my car. Did I write about these instances? Probably not. Sometimes I would wax it after washing it, and I don't think I wrote about that either. I'm not intentionally withholding this kind of information, but it's just very normal things that I never really thought about writing about.

In the mornings when I drop off my mom or when I drive off to my workplace, I usually catch and drive along a few different school busses. What's interesting is that I think about my own perspective from those buses, I remember when I was in 7th grade, literally my first day of 7th grade, and I remember looking down on all the cars below thinking that they were old people. Haha. Yeah. I'm their age now. I'm their freaking age. Time goes by so phenomenally fast that it's not even funny. An eternity can pass by in an instant.

At my old workplace, I used to often think and observe people, everyone there was happy. Basically every single person there was always grinning from ear to ear, happy about something. I was the only gloomy glum black clothing wearing person, and I had my reasons. I couldn't be so optimistic as them, because I knew what path I was heading down if I kept up in this job, and the future looked so bleak for me. It may have been the best thing for me to have gotten fired, because I have a future I can control now, and I really like what I'm doing.

But at my old workplace, everyone had this co-working desk, so you could see everyone from your seat basically, because you could just look around, and you'd see everyone on these computers working and doing their thing, most of the time laughing, telling jokes, and so on. I used to lament at all my hours being taken away, because I did not like my job, and despite the environment I was in, felt like endless despair. I used to look around and just think that everyone there was going to be gone at some point, including me, so how can anyone be happy?

And it felt like to me that no one else was really conscious or aware of what was happening, because I felt time slipping by through my fingertips, my youth disappearing, my very early 20s nearly gone, and I couldn't stop it. Then there was everyone else, much older than me, in fact there was only one person younger than me in the entire company, and at one point I was the youngest, and I'd been the second youngest for a long time. This is nothing special or surprising, if we join a company when we're 21, we have a very high chance of being the youngest person there, that just goes without saying because that's young for us too.

I mean no matter what company it is, there's always, always a youngest person. If you happen to join at 20 or 21, then you have a very high chance of being that youngest person, because that's probably your first job as well, so you deserve that title, because you'll only get it once. Then the older you get, the more and more everyone's age rises with yours, and then eventually you'll be one of the normal aged people in the company, and in fact, there's going to be new people coming in who's going to be the youngest, and then they'll experience what you experienced, and so on.

So my experience was not unique at all. It happens to basically everyone. But what I'm getting at is that, despite being much older than me, a lot of them were much more optimistic than I was, and most of them were not even thinking about their lives or... their deaths. No one else freaking things about it or even talks about it, but that's our final destination. That will be our end. We cannot avoid it. Sometimes we think we're the exception, but try pinching yourself somewhere and you'll feel pain, try to cut a piece of hair and it will get cut, you are the same as every other human, and the same as basically every other mammal and animal (except higher brain function). We all have our limitations, and death is our unstoppable limitation.

There is no conquering death. There is no hope against it. Every generation has their elderly. When I was a kid, there were already people who were over age 100. To them, I was a very young person, and probably one of the last few generation that they'll ever see. To them, it's as if I'm like the 'latest breed' of the human race and I'm this brand new energetic being born into the world, while to me, they were the next generation ready to go in just a few more years. And yeah, everyone who was 100 when I was 5 years old, is gone now, every single one (well, maybe there could possibly some unidentified elderly who lived to be 125 alive right now but the chances of that are basically zero, the oldest identified person alive right now is 117).

Oh yeah, I miss the good old days when I was five years old. I barely remember those years, but I knew they were awesome. I was the youngest person basically everywhere walking around. Those were epic days. Even when I was five, there were already people who were age 24, and now they're in their late 40s nearly in their 50s. Yikes. That's how fast time freaking goes by. It goes by instantly, before you even realize it.

Every moment and every day feels like it lasts forever. Like I was at work today, and I remember coming in at 7:30ish AM, and the clock felt like it dragged on and on, but once it was over, and it was over before I even realized it, holy crap, that was an entire work day gone. Just like that. It's true that the first day of work is the longest and every consecutive day after that just becomes shorter and shorter, because my first day lasted forever and I still remember it, where as I don't remember Tuesday so well. I still remember my first day at work at my old company, but I don't remember day 500, or day 400, or day 600, or even day 100. Just my first day, and vividly too. It's weird.

Every age you go through, there will be people in different stages of life. I asked my mom this obvious question, but she told me that even when she was younger and in her teens, there were already people who were in their 100s and so on. There's nothing special about the time we're born, we're just born at some random point in history. Perhaps we should feel more fortunate than those who came before us, but at the same time, it doesn't make any difference when we're dead anyway.

It would be cool if there was some conglomerate gathering of souls when we were dead. Like, we would just convene and talk about our human lives that we lived and go through memories and travel the world like ghosts and watch our life unfold from a third person perspective, but none of that is going to happen.

Have you ever closed your eyes and tried to feel your body? Not by physically feeling your body, but thinking about your body and its existence as your eyes are closed. Just feel that all you are is billions of cells put together to make up different components, like the veins, the bones, the skin, the eyes, the brain, and so on. then imagine that you yourself think you're at the brain, that your body somehow feels belonging to the area where your head is, and not at your feet. Like you don't 'feel' your body to be your feet, that just feels like a part of you, but you do feel your body to be your head. It's weird right?

So all you are is some head, and you have this body that you can control. That's one way to interpret it, but there's many ways to interpret by feeling your body's existence. I've never really thought about that until just now, and no one had suggested any sort of thought that would be similar. I think in this journal I've written a ton of original ideas that I don't think I've heard elsewhere as I've had some ideas for many many many years well before any references or mention would come about it.

For example, this was popular in the Theory of Knowledge class, but, color. I've thought about how people might see different colors differently, like my red could be someone else's blue, or what someone's blue would be, is a color I cannot even see or comprehend with my own brain. I thought about this in middle school, and this idea wouldn't resurface until the teacher brought it up in like 11th grade and then everyone was like "WHoaoaoaoaoa" and I of course was happily just as interested in discussing this idea with everyone else, but man I thought about it way before anyone else there.

I think when we die, we're no longer our head anymore. We go to this dream, and this dream feels wonderful, just like going to sleep, except we just never wake up. That's what dying to me is like. No one alive can actually say what does happen when we die, but that's basically our best answer if anyone had to give one. It would just be no experiences, no nothing, no hearing, no sight, nothing. It's nearly impossible to imagine just nothing, a great way to imagine it would not be by imagining all darkness and blackness everywhere, but try imagining a time going by one second. Just nothing else except for time, going by, one second, just that quality of that second going by, is like us just going away.

Will I be glad when I die? Probably not. I'd want to live on longer and see the world. There will of course be new people born right when I die, like literally 20 years after I die, there will be people born that will never have probably even realized I existed. They'll just go about their life, and they'll be 20, then they don't even know I exist, and they're born 20 freaking years after I die. I mean I was born 20 years after some very famous people died. Let's see. Bruce Lee died 20 years before I was born, so did Pablo Picasso, so did Lyndon B. Johnson, so did J.R.R. Tolkien, so did Harry S. Truman, so did Ezra Pound (crazy dude born more than a hundred years ago), and so on.

So, those guys, they were dead way before I was even born, way before I was probably even thought of as someone to have. I don't even know how I was born or how I came to be, I didn't have any choice. It might've been as difficult or much more difficult than winning the lottery, for me to have been born, but it wasn't my desire in the first place. Here I was, just out of sheer luck, born this year, born in this age, born during this upcoming trends, and so on, and here I am trying to live my life and make my living as best from as I understand it.

Still, now that I have been born, I have no choice now but want to continue furthering my existence. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I never asked to be born. Those sound like contradictory thoughts, but they're complimentary. I can choose to continue wanting to live forever (no I don't actually want to live forever), but at the same time I would have chosen not to be born if I were given a choice. Why couldn't it have been sperm Z instead of sperm ME? Why was I the first sperm that made it through?

And, maybe that sperm part of me is actually just half of the rest of the being. Maybe I am actually the egg, and I was the only egg out of however many thousands or tens of thousands (forgive me for not understanding the female anatomy that well), and I just needed one sperm to be born, and so a sperm came into me, and I was born. Or maybe I'm just half of each? Perhaps we'll never know. Maybe I won't ever know in my life time.

You know what I can't wait for though and that I'm glad it's happening in my lifetime soon? The James Webb telescope. It's launching in May 2020, that's just two years from now. I first heard about it maybe in 2015 or 2016, and back then 2020 seemed like an eternityyyyy. I could not wait that long. But three years has gone by, in the blink of an eye, and now I'm like "oh crap, 2020, that's in just 2 more years! That's going to be here before I even realize it!".

But I'm glad, I won't be too old in 2020, I'll be 27 or so, that's not that old. Although there were 27 year old back in 1920 as well, and that was more than a hundred years ago... so from a future perspective, I am already dead, and being 27 in 2020 is old as fudge because it's the year 2500 and anyone born before the year 2480 is old, anyone way before that, 400 years before that, is super ultra ultra old. So here I am in 2018, we think we're the best year ever, we think that we have all the latest gadgets and the latest technologies and things, but I still think we're primitive, we're all primitive.

I really like computers though and man it's so tempting to buy the latest model. I'm drooling over some of the very cool designs and such, but it really won't be that much more of an upgrade if at all, from my current computer. My current computer is from 2013, but it's still amazingly good and it can do the same exact things any of the newer machines can. So what's the point of getting a 2018 computer when a 2013 computer does just as well? I don't think there's any point, right now. But maybe in the future, despite advancing hardware and software, companies will put a damper on newer software and products being released on older products, which means that consumers will have no choice but to upgrade if they want to keep up with the latest things.

But for now, everything is compatible with my machine. Literally everything. So, I have no worries or any need or feel to upgrade. I hope things stay like this. The future will truly be not as great if it turns out the rules were stricter and unnecessarily so.

And yeah, so I went to work today, and I barely even remember what happened. Did I really do work for 8 full hours? How come I barely remember getting anything done? It's weird how much time can just go by like that and you don't even realize what you did. I mean at first, every second was a challenge, but now that I'm getting more and more used to the tasks that I'm being assigned (despite some of the tasks actually being so hard I don't know what to do right now), that they don't even phase me as being a task anymore. It's just normal, just as normal as typing or walking or riding a bike. I'm surprised I got so used to things so quickly, but that's what it feels like.

Bikes are amazing and I've been trying to sell mine for a while. I got more than 15 offers from it since I posted it on Saturday I think, and people really want it. But I haven't been replying to people and I've kinda been lazy about the entire thing, so things have just been put on hold. I have to take a picture of some more things and add more description so people freaking stop emailing me asking the same questions urgh!

So anyway, what else. I have around a thousand words left, and I have been typing at a relatively slow speed. I have taken multiple breaks to check on the beans, and I have taken some breaks to look up information online such as people who died 20 years before I was born.

I kind of wanted to write a poem today called "Left or Right" that would be about taking either the left or right path. Really, every single day we are given millions of paths to traverse, except we're normally forced to go along just one of them. Like school for example, if you didn't have school, you could then do anything you wanted, you could jump up and down for no reason, you could lie on your back all day, you could lie on your back, but outside someone else's lawn, or something, anything. Each one of these decisions leads us down to a path somewhere, and basically, the poem simplifies all of our actions and choices into two: left or right.

I came up with the poem idea today when during lunch time, I was very sleepy. I went down the road, and I could have either taken a left to go to where I would normally park underneath that tree and take a nap, or I could take a right and go home. By taking a right, even though I really was vying to go left instead, I had missed out on some good sleep, I had wasted probably 30+ minutes of time just driving for no reason, I had wasted some gas, I ate the last avocado that could've been for my dad, and I lost my parking spot under the shade of a tree. There wasn't even any rice when I got here! So I literally just ate beans an and an avocado, with some flax seed. Talk about disappointing! And then when I got back to work, around 2:30 PM, I felt really sleepy! Then I was really wishing that I had taken a left instead.

Maybe if I had taken a left, I would've been able to take a nap, and then I would've felt rejuvenated, and would've gotten a lot more work done. Right? Maybe. Who knows? I'll never freaking find out because I took a right instead of a left! Also when I took a right, at one point there was this escalade car behind me and it started flashing its blue lights, I thought I was getting pulled over, so I kinda stopped to the side a little and signaled to pull over to the right, but it turns out he was signaling to make this U-Turn in the middle of the road, so that he could get to this fire truck that was stopped on the side and an ambulance was there too.

I don't know what happened but it was some major event I think, maybe a fire and just a few blocks down, no one even knew that this was happening. That's how insanely contrasting life can be, in nearly the same place. In a condo or apartment building, one person's apartment could be having crazy parties and crazy things going on, while just next door, terrible torture is being done to some, well, bad things happening, and it's literally just right next door! Two completely contrasting scenarios completely oblivious to each other.

I can imagine being very deathly sick as akin to that. To you, you feel a lot of pain and such, and then you go out to a park and you see some very young energetic kids playing, and to them they're full of life and everything is great, while you're in pain and suffering and can't even walk and will probably die right there. It can be such a different world from the lens that you view things in.

Sometimes it's better to have rose tinted glasses rather than view the world for what it actually is. In fact, we see the world as we think it is, not really as it actually is. I like to think that I view the world for what it actually is, and it is quite a mind exercise to think about it this way, but I definitely most likely color the world in my own perspective as well.

Is my writing improving at all? In ten years if I keep on doing this, would my writing have improved at all, even just a little? Will my typing speed have improved at all? So far my fastest has been 191 words per minute which I did when I was 19, and so far I just haven't beaten it because I've never tried beating it. I'd have to build up practice and so on, in order to beat it, which is definitely possible, but it's just not one of my interests in life anymore to really get that speed.

Yeah I could have had freaking 200+ words per minute at this point if I had just kept practicing and practicing from 19 onwards, but, hey, life got in the way and things happened. I lost interest. Even athletes are just stars for the short time they're in the field, and then they're no ones afterwards (or they're just forgotten, or they're just has-beens, or old-timers, etc).

But it's cool that I can name a lot of people that are alive and famous today, but I could barely tell who most people were from 20 years before I was born. There was a large and long list of people who died 20 years before I was born, and I could not tell who most of them were. The ones I named were the ones I recognized, and basically everyone else, I had no idea. Who were they? Who was this person, who was that person?

Will, in 50 years, we remember people like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise? Possibly the biggest stars in Hollywood and the world right now, but will we remember them? Or will they be just like other actors and actresses from the 1950s, whom I don't even remember today? Like who was Humphrey Bogart? Like he has such a cool name, and he's probably one of the only actors I remember from before 1950s, except for Judy Garland as well, and yeah, I don't remember or know that many people from back then, but they were stars back in the day. They were huge names.

It's definitely very strange right? Oh, oh, oh. The people in 50 years that will be the new stars and so on, will be people who have probably not even been born yet today. YEAH! YEAH!!! That's freaking crazy to even think about. The people in 50 years who will be the big names and big shots like our Mark Zuckerberg is from my generation, will not have even been born yet as I type this. They won't have even been born yet, and then by the time they are born, somehow, they are able to just slingshot their way a million times around the sun, getting much more everything that I'll ever have accomplished in my entire life.

It's very strange how a random 24 year old from out of nowhere (I'm referring to a blank canvas of tech entrepreneurs who were 24 and built empires) and just surpassed people in their 80s by sometimes a billion-fold in terms of wealth, and an extravagant amount more in terms of popularity and media exposure, etc. It's so odd how a phenomenon like that can happen. It happened with Albert Einstein when he was 25 though, that was interesting. Or did it? Wasn't he some unknown guy for like 8 years after he published his miracle year papers, or something like that?

Anyway, that's basically my day. I walked more than 10k steps today, I wrote 5k words today, I think that was a good day. Oh yeah, I also did "that" twice today. but oh well. sigh. I couldn't help myself.

Oh, and I have a lot of great plans for the future that I cannot wait to do. but man. Oh man. I can't wait.

Tasks Today
Upload 7 Days' Worth of IG Photos
Catch up on Journal Entries
Work on Timer App

Full list in the Extended Backlog page

Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? No
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleeping – 6:49 AM

6:49 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:05 AM

7:05 AM – Driving – 7:34 AM

7:34 AM – Working – 12:10 PM

12:10 PM – Break – 1:20 PM

1:20 PM – Working – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Eating Food – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Wasting Time – 8:05 PM

8:05 PM – Exercising – 9:30 PM

9:30 PM – Writing Journal – 10:53 PM

10:53 PM – Eating Food – 11:03 PM

11:03 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (11:05)
Working (8:17)
Exercising (1:25)
Writing Journal (1:23)

Neutral Hours (10:13)
Sleeping (6:49)
Preparing for Work (0:16)
Driving (1:28)
Break (1:10)
Eating Food (0:30)

Unproductive Hours (2:41)
Wasting Time (2:41)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 248
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 44
Game Development: 4