Thursday, May 31st 2018

9:27 PM

Is today going to be the combo breaker day where I don't exercise by walking 10,000 steps and when I don't write a journal of 5000 words in one day? Is today that day? It's nearly freaking 10 PM, and considering that it takes me roughly an hour to write an entry with 5000 words, and it takes me a couple of hours to walk 10,000 steps, this just does not seem feasible for me to actually end the day on a positive note and not break my combo.

Last night was especially terrible. I had eaten some carrots, and I was preparing to go to sleep. I really enjoyed the benefits that eating carrots gave me last time, and I knew from experience that I shouldn't be looking at any digital screen at all after eating carrots, but still, I did. And worst of all, I got bored. I was lying on the ground, and I turned on my other laptop, for "that". Yup. Today was the day I did "that". Damn.

It's been several days since I had even thought about doing it, but I did it. I gave into my past addictions, and I was so angry and disappointed with myself. Of course it wasn't instant, I lasted like at least 2 hours or so, so I was in full control of it the entire time basically for two hours, but I knew that if I kept on going, basically I wasn't going to be able to stop. And so I wasn't able to stop, and I ended up doing "that" despite not wanting to do that.

So afterwards I basically just went to sleep, disappointed in myself, but still feeling a little bit good from doing "that" after a few days. Then I was woken up nearly immediately, after 6 hours, I mean it felt instant, but it was really 6 hours of sleeping. I barely got any sleep last night, just barely. I needed at least an hour or two more to have felt whole, and I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep that many hours tonight either, because I have to drop off my mom tomorrow.

If I want to write 5000 words and also walk 10,000 steps, that means I'm going to have to stay up past 12 AM at the least, and I have to wake up at around 6 AM tomorrow, because I have to drop off my mom. I mean I don't want to wake up at 6 AM, I can wake up at 6:30 AM and be ready by 7:00 AM, but my parents wake me up at 6 AM telling me to get up already, and it is so annoying because I know I can still sleep a little bit longer.

Haha, man. I'm 24. I sound like I'm a freaking teenager baby that still lives with his parents and his parents still wake him up to do things. Haha. Well, that is the reality that I live in right now. Do you think I have enough to live on my own? Haha, hell no. I don't even have enough for that if I were to roomie up with a few people. I'd rather live with my parents anyway, because they're pretty chill people, and I only pay around $700 a month for my rent here, plus I also pay some of the bills like the phone bills, and other things. I was just paying for these things out of my savings the past few months that I have not been working. It's really great this job came when it did.

So my parents woke me up pretty early today, they woke me up just as they were headed out the door. I was like "why did you wake me up?! It's not even 7:30 AM yet" and my dad said they were leaving and for me to get up or else I'd oversleep. Ugh! Since I had so much time actually, or it felt like I did, I wasted a lot of time by literally just watching YouTube videos, because I thought I'd have more than enough to get ready, watch videos, eat breakfast, and so on.

But it turns out that was a huge mistake, I ended up being later or roughly the same time as if I had woken up at 7:50 AM and rushed out. So there I was, going to work. It was a pretty chill morning. Nothing too spectacular. I'd say it's the same as basically every other morning I went through so far, in fact, it was so unspectacular I barely even remembered it. I did pass by the graveyard today though, although I didn't take a peek at it. you have to crane your neck way out of the way in order to see the graveyard, as you can only see it from behind you as you pass it, there's no way to see it up ahead or to the side as there's trees and hills blocking the way, so you'd only be able to see it coming back from the other side, or if you just look behind you.

So I didn't see the graveyard, and I didn't even think about it as I passed it, in fact I'm only mentioning it right now because I mentioned yesterday that I passed by at least one grave a day, sometimes two, and I pass by those two graves four times on those same days.

So then I got into work, and I was a little bit later than usually, since I'd normally be in at around 7:30 AM or so, which I will be in at that time tomorrow, because I have to drop my mom off. Oh yeah, something different about today, is I brought out a napkin from my home, and I brought it out with me to the car, so I could wipe off the dirt and bird poop from the roof and hood and sides and doors and trunk. I did that, and I wrapped another tissue around these two dirty ones, and I placed it one of the cup holders in my car, it was wrapped so it wouldn't spread dirt or anything around and it was clean to touch as long as you were touching what wrapped around the dirty tissues.

Afterwards I went in to work, I threw away the dirty napkins into the trashcan under my desk, and then I proceeded to work. I had just one task to do which I had left off from yesterday, and it surprisingly took me several hours to figure some parts out. In the end though I didn't even end up using my solution, as there was a much simpler solution already around, and so I basically just spent around 2 hours or more trying to figure something out when there was another alternative easier way to do it. But at least my solution still worked, and if I were to run into a similar problem in the future, I'd be able to craft a solution for it from scratch.

So that issue wasn't that hard, and then I got assigned some other issues, and I worked on some other ones. Overall I got less done today, but I think what I got done today might've been harder? Maybe not. I think I was just in the zone yesterday and I was able to accomplish some very difficult tasks relatively quickly. I mean it just depends on my mood and luck I guess, if I'm not able to come up with the solution or come up with an inkling of an idea of how to do something, then I wouldn't be able to do it. Sometimes it just so happens I'm looking at a certain line of code and that is somehow the solution to my problem, or that I get lucky with my online searches and it gives me exactly the right answer that I need, but other times I search for even easier problems and I get no relative results that help.

So it really, really, really just depends on, a lot of it on luck. I'm serious. I don't think I'm that skilled at web development just yet, even though I have solved many solutions apparently. But I don't remember these solutions off of the top of my head. I'm not able to craft them from scratch either. If I didn't have the Internet to help find some answers from, then I wouldn't be able to do this. I mean I've had experience from a few days back that also helped me with what I needed to do today, if I didn't have that experience, I'd be lost, I'd be so lost.

The thing is, that task that was assigned to me on the first day that I was assigned a task, is still the hardest task I have been assigned, I think. Looking back, it is something I can do right now fairly easily, but if I didn't get that opportunity first, then I would've been lost today, basically. If that assignment were given to me today, and I didn't have that experience of solving it the first time, and let's say there wasn't already the other people who tried to solve that problem as well, then I wouldn't be able to figure out for maybe a week or more, even with the amount of experience I have right now (with the exception of that problem of course).

The thing is, when they assigned that task to me, it probably wasn't that hard for them. They probably thought it was easy, but they just gave it to me thinking it was some beginner problem. And there I was thinking about it for days, freaking agonizing over this thing that sounded so easy to do but was so much more complex than I could ever imagine. Whew. man. I really, I really don't even know if I can do that today, if I were given that same task, but I didn't know the answer of how to do it already. Man. I don't know what I would've done, I may not have lasted this long.

But that task, it gave me a lot of experience. So much so that I'm able to conquer a lot more easier problems than that one right now, very easily I think. So it may have been a very good thing that I was assigned a more complicated task at the start, although if I had failed in completing it, that may have been my doom in the end. It was a very risky proposition, but I ended up going through it. I mean, dang, it was such a hard problem, oh gosh, I would've been so lost and so dead if I were assigned that some one today and I didn't already know how to do it, I think. Maybe I would've still figured it out, but it would've taken a lot longer.

Of course if I used that same exact solution, which I still remember right now, I can just do it in like, 20 minutes or less. It depends on if I can recall every step perfectly, because there's things you have to add here, and there, and here, and there, and then it works. But I don't know if I can fully recall all of that instantly, I think I can though, it's not that difficult.

But yeah, I have basically finished most of what they have assigned me today. They come by sometimes every now and then since I'm done with most of the work, and they just explain to me what I need to work on next, and then I get it done. I get some tasks done nearly in 10 minutes or so after being assigned to work on that task. Am I fast or am I slow? I still most of the time don't really know if I know what I'm doing, but I'm able to complete these assignments, so I just have to shrug. Because I'm not super confident in what I'm able to do, I can do things, but do I feel like I can do them well? Not really. I'm not in any level right now, I barely know anything at all.

Again there's already tens of thousands of lines in this project, all I do for my part is add a few more lines, sometimes like 3 lines, and then that's one solution or something. Most of the things I've solved so far I've been able to solve by looking at similar ways that other similar problems were completed, so I'd take some ideas from here, some ideas from there, and here we go, this one idea. Sometimes the answer is literally given right in the search engine, I just search how to do X, and then I learn how to do X, but that doesn't mean I fully memorize it all, because often times you'd have to write down maybe 10 lines of code, and I don't remember all bits of that code right away, so could I do that from scratch? Maybe, but maybe not.

So I kept on working, until around 12:20 PM or something like that, and then I took a break. I took a very short break, I drove out to the parking lot next to me again, and I just parked under a tree. This time though, the two trucks were parked next to each other! Whoa! I had to park next to one of them in order to be in a similar place to where I was before, but it was weird, because normally I'd be parking in between them, but not today apparently.

And then afterwards I went back to work, and yeah. I messed up this one time though where I said that what I worked on yesterday was good to go, and then I reviewed my work, and I found a flaw in it, like a huge flaw, so then I had to tell the guy and apologize a lot for it because he had already pushed it up live, and I was like oh noo, because this was a huge issue. I really thought I had checked it all, but then the fix ended up just being a few things, and then I came up to him and told him I'd sent him the fixes, which he didn't even know it needed, so then I explained what changed from this version to that version, and this one got rid of those issues.

But yeah that was a terrible mistake on my part. That happened to me twice today. Once when I sent him the stuff yesterday was good to go, and it turns out it wasn't. And then after sending him the second fix, it turns out that one had flaws too! Wow!! So I made that terrible mistake twice, and I really felt bad for doing it, like I felt impossibly terrible for doing such a thing.

And then eventually work ended, and then I drove to pick up my mom. On the drive there, she told me that she didn't even need to be picked up! But then I realized that today was payday, and I actually checked my bank account earlier while at work, just a quick peek, and I got paid! To me this felt like it was a lot more pay than my old job, despite my old job paying more, because I actually have no money going to my HAS this time around. Man, $5 fees a month for maintenance and you have to deposit money after taxes!! I cannot deal with that. That destroys the need for the HSA, that kills the entire purpose of HSAs.

Why would I pay $5 a month for a health only pre-taxed retirement savings account? It's such a waste. I'd rather keep all that money to myself rather than have it go to an HSA like that. But yeah, I had some plans for my money, so I went to the bank to transfer some money into my dad's bank account, and the ATM was apparently broken, or so I was told by two people who worked there, as they saw me getting out of the car as it was drenching rain, and they told me the ATM was closed. I got back in the car, soaking wet, and from the car seat I could see the ATM screen was working just fine and there wasn't any maintenance signs on it, but still they worked there, so I took their word for it.

So I drove to the back, and it reminded me of the Jetsons where there's this tube thing that you have, and you press this button to transfer this clear cylinder with paper and stuff inside between the teller and you. What you do is you press the button to talk to the teller, they come out and ask you what you need, I told them that I needed to transfer my money to my dad's account, and they said sure, and gave me all the necessary paperwork for it. I transferred some money over, and it was cool putting the paperwork and the cards into this cylinder, pressing the button, and whoof, it went over to the other side.

So then afterwards I drove home, it was raining so freaking hard outside, so freaking hard. I thought I was going to die again. I was in my car, in traffic, thinking about lightning, and I looked at my body, and wow, I fit in this car. I was so tiny that I could fit in this seat, and I just imagined lightning from above hitting the car, shocking everything including me, so I just curled myself up so that I wouldn't be touching the walls or anything else other than this chair and the floor, and I thought that would make me slightly safer! And then I thought about maybe if I survived the lightning strike, I could tell my story about what happened and so on... but I may not actually survive.

So I just hoped and prayed that I survived. I didn't actually pray, as in religiously do that, but I still hoped and prayed, at least, to the ether, to whatever was out there, consciousness, to things I don't understand. I just hoped and wished and willed and I really wanted to make it back home.

When I got back home I was so delighted, but it was still raining heavily hard. I put my backpack above my head and covered myself like an umbrella as I walked towards my building, and by the time I got out of the rain and under some roof, my backpack was soaking wet. It was a darker color all around and there were barely any light spots if any, because if some cloth object gets wet, it tends to get dark in that wet area, and my backpack was entirely darkened.

So then I went home, and I needed my dad's password so I could spend the money I put into his account on what I wanted to spend it on. I didn't remember his password and neither did he, so we had to call some support in order to get it because apparently even our account username was wrong, but we eventually got it, and I was able to get into his account and I did whatever I wanted to do with that money.

I still had $700 to pay my mom for rent, so I brought that into account as well, and then I have to pay my phone bills, and then I have to pay for my business thing, just some more bills next month that was coming soon. Man I don't know how I would survive on my own. I mean every place here is at least $1400 a month, minimum. Oh man, that would be so freaking hard to live with. I mean yeah I think I can get by with that, but just barely, just barely can I get away with that.

Oh yeah, but I have known people who made over $200k or much more than that, and they don't even care about money at all. they're just like, yeah whatever. Whatever they want to buy, they can just buy at any time. I don't make anywhere close to that, and yeah I am a bit reluctant to share what I make, despite this being my journal and all. Oh well. I'm not even sharing how much I made at my previous job, which was a while ago. But of course people in real life know, as I've told a few of them already what I've made here and what I've made elsewhere, I'm not shy about it, I'm just reluctant to share it publicly worldwide, right? It's weird.

I'm able to share stories about doing "that" but I'm not able to share how much I make? That's so ridiculous. It just feels very uncomfortable sharing something like that for some reason. However, sharing "that' feels appropriate, as it's a life struggle and problem I deal with. So it's these hard events that I have to deal with, that I feel like are appropriate to write about. Maybe if I were making basically nothing I would be comfortable writing about that? But I make a pretty decent, normal amount, so I'm very satisfied with what I'm making right now, especially since none of my money is being taken out by an HSA (which admittedly was my choice). I was not forced to put in money into my HSA at my last employer's place, but the fees then were acceptable, just $3 a month, it's still a lot, but it's at least a fixed number.

Yeah. So then I did that, and such and then I got really lazy. I ate a lot of food, and I got tired, and then I saw that it was dark and it was still raining outside, and so I did not go out. I stayed indoors at home. Why? Because... because reasons. At least I didn't go around doing "that" again, although the pull for it is strong.

I realized today that I can basically build and do anything I want already, with the skills that I have right now. I'm already pretty experienced at web development that I can almost comfortably, well of course I do need a little bit of training, but I can pretty much say that I can already build any kind of thing that I want to build, right now, with what I have.

So why don't I? Lots of freaking reasons. I don't want to be staring at a computer so late at night because my eyes get really blurry for some reason. Especially when I am typing away very quickly, for some reason my eyes just get blurry and I don't know why that happens. I think I am still going to go out for a walk tonight, but mainly because I need to keep training my eyes. I doubt I'm going to get over 10k steps today unless I powerwalk, because it's already nearly 11 PM, and I still haven't even finished writing over 5000 words yet.

There's quite a bit more words to go. And yesterday actually, I ended up with just 5001 words. If I didn't write that last paragraph about how coincidental something was, I don't even remember what that last paragraph was about, but if I didn't write it, I wouldn't have breeched over 5000! I thought I had finished writing over 5000 words when I was at around 4900, but then I stopped. Man. Haha. That's so funny in hindsight, but at least that combo was not broken.

My combo of not doing "that" for several days is broken though. And my combo of walking 10k steps a day might be broken tonight if I don't actually do it again. By broken, I mean the bad term of broken. Because in video games, being "broken" is an awesome thing, or at least, it can be. I mean people say "that character is broken" which really means that character is overpowered as hell and you should pick it because it destroys everything and is so strong. I've rarely if ever seen the word "broken" used for describing a character that was literally broken, as in, dysfunctional. Most of the time broken means strong, which is a very cool slang in my opinion.

It's like saying, man that thing is "fixed", which really means that thing is not fixed... which means it's broken... I guess "Fixed" has another meaning, which also means "rigged". I love how the word "rigged" was used in Warcraft 3 to just describe overpowered characters or something like that. Like LOAP God was "rigged", and I used to use its definition all the time for the meaning of "overpowered", and I used to use "rigged" outside in real life or in other communities as meaning "overpowered", and it wasn't later that I realized "rigged" actually means that they have a higher chance of winning due to circumstances and rules adjusted in their favor. I just always thought it mean overpowered.

So if that main definition were used instead of the other one, I may have been saying sentences that made absolutely no sense, if people didn't understand the definition that I went by. They both have similar meanings, and I don't have enough time right now to actually pause and think about whether they can still be used interchangeably, but I'm guess they can be in some instances, but at the same time, in the way I used them, it was only appropriate for one definition but not the other.

I mean I would say "that character is rigged" which to me sounded like I was saying "that character is overpowered", but it may not have meant "that character is adjusted in a way to unfairly and intentionally make that player more powerful," because intent plays a huge part in rigging. Games aren't just rigged for the fun of it, they're rigged so that the conmen never lose, so that they always get the outcome that they are shooting for.

Well that's basically nearly 1 hour for me and I have not even written down 5000 words yet. I am not actually this slow, I have taken a few breaks, but not that many, and I have had to delete a bunch of words, a bunch of sentences, a bunch of phrases, and so on. My eyes are also very blurry, probably because I am not blinking enough. Is that really what happens? When I type way too fast, I don't blink enough at the same time?

That's a weird concept, but I think I can follow along with that logic. Anyway, so yeah. That's basically it for today I guess. I don't really know what else to say. Well actually I sort of do, there's a few hundred more words remaining, and I have no idea why I sounded like I was about to close today's entry with nothing else.

So tomorrow is a Friday, and it's also the first day of June. I cannot wait for the first day of June! Sigh. I guess, because I did not upload all of my May photos yet, and I am missing so many freaking days. I have to catch up on my daily photos again, I keep getting pushed further and further behind. Also, I have no uploaded my journal entries in a while. I need to find a way to make it so that I don't have to do as much as I do now, literally, I already don't even do that much when uploading my entries, but there's a lot more ways I can make this process simpler, like just one click, and everything would be done for me? That would be nice right?

I think I can actually simplify my life like that, but like I said, using a computer at night, especially after typing so much, is probably not going to be possible for me, if I want to preserve and keep my eyesight that I have now. it is around nearly done time for me, so I am just goin to stop soon. I don't have any reason left to keep on going like this other than to finish my 5000 words, and my eyes are closed mright now as I type this, and I am not even going to go back and fix any typos if I have any, because my eyes are just so freaking tired and already the screen in front of me is getting blurry.

This sucks, like this really sucks. I ate a lot of kale today, and I ran out of blackberries. I think I ate all my blackberries yesterday, but I definitely need more blackberries, I definitely need to eat some more carrots tonight, and I definitely need to also just go out and train and practice my eyes a bit more. That's what I do when iw alk outside, so I really doubt I' going to be able to complete 10k steps today, but we'll see. So iwht that, I end today' sentry, and like is aid I'm not going to go abck and fix any of my typos that happened, because my eyes are closed, and I can't even see if I made any typos or not. Most likely I made a lot of typos, I can feel them asi type, I can feel which words I got wrong, and if I stopped in time, I can go back and fi them. Like that, I just deleted a few charaters and fixed a word that I knew I messed up onbut yeahm it looks bperfect, fuck. I messed up "yeah" with eyha and I messed up perfect with prefect or not prefect but with some messed up version of it.

Anyway, that's basically it, so yeah. Good night.

11:47 PM

I put down in the time log "Carrots" for 10 minutes, in reality, I just ate 2 baby carrots. That's it. I could've eaten a lot more, but I ate two, and I did some other things afterwards, so there's that.

Anyway, I was not able to walk 10k steps today. I walked for an hour and 10 minutes and got roughly 6000 something steps down, maybe nearing 7000, but nowhere near enough to 10k. I went back home when I had about 20 minutes left before the end of the day, conceding and realizing that there was no way I could make it to 10k with the amount of time left. I was very optimistic an hour ago, thinking it was all possible still, but there wasn't enough time in the end. I think that's a great analogy for life.

We think that there's more than enough time to do what we want to do, to get done what we want to get done, when in reality, the time goes by way too quickly for us to even realize, and before we know it, all that we wanted to do, we are no longer able to do.

Speaking of, my friend called me around 11:50 AM today saying he was back from India, and I called him back during my break, when I checked my phone and saw he called. We chat for a while, he recently got married, he had a lot of fun, he was gone for two months. I didn't know what I would do without him, he was around when I got my first job, and I figured he was some good luck charm that would help me find another one. Well, he wasn't here, and I was able to find another one, that just means that either there's no such thing as good luck charms or that we don't need to rely on anyone to help us for anything (it could be a little bit of both).

I don't even believe in good luck charms, I just think that he may have helped me feel better about applying for such jobs, and therefore I would've had a better result. That's what I should've said instead of 'good luck charm'.

Anyway, I need to send him my resume tonight, because I told him I'd send it to him after work. He said he just wanted to check it out, and I said okay, but I didn't want to send it while I was in the office because it would seem like I was sending it to some other employer which I was not doing. Anyway, yeah. I'll send him my resume soon and go to sleep, I have to wake up early tomorrow so I need to get to sleep earlier.

I might do "that" again tonight, who knows. So far I have not turned on that computer yet, and I am not leaning towards using it, but who knows? Who the heck knows. I may, I may not. Even I have no idea.

Tasks Today
Find out what happened to photos from May 9th through 11th
Upload 21 photos to Instagram
Work on Time Log app
List Courses To Take in Order
Sell Bike if Possible

Full list in the Extended Backlog page

Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? No
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? No
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Sleeping – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Preparing for Work – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Driving – 8:23 AM

8:23 AM – Working – 12:15 PM

12:15 PM – Break – 12:45 PM

12:45 PM – Working – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 6:11 PM

6:11 PM – Wasting Time – 9:27 PM

9:27 PM – Writing Journal – 10:27 PM

10:27 PM –Carrots – 10:37 PM

10:37 PM – Walking Outside – 11:47 PM

11:47 PM – Writing Journal – 11:54 PM

11:54 PM – Preparing to Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:25)
Working (8:08)
Writing Journal (1:07)
Walking Outside (1:10)

Neutral Hours (9:18)
Sleeping (6:06)
Preparing for Work (1:04)
Driving (1:23)
Break (0:30)
Carrots (0:10)
Preparing to Sleep (0:05)

Unproductive Hours (4:16)
Wasting Time (4:16)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 240
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 43
Game Development: 4