Sunday, May 27th 2018
Alright so last night I basically just walked with a friend who came over, and we walked for over an hour. We went up and down the normal path I'd go down, and yeah that lasted around an hour. Then the next day started while we were walking, and at around 12:30 AM, we got back home to my place. I sat on the sidewalk, did some push ups every now and then, and he stood around talking. I thought he was already going to go home at this point, but yeah we just talked the entire time, with me sitting or lying down, and I was afraid there was going to be a bike or somebody that would just come by out of nowhere and hit me so I was cautiously on watch the entire time.
We talked about a whole load of different subjects, we talked about what he was up to, what I was up to, what work was like for me, what some of our friends were up to, and a bunch of just random things. We talked for nearly three hours straight, so the topic jumped from one to the next, it was about everything. He said he was playing Runescape again and I told him about my experience playing it back in 2001 or around then, and basically I just told him about whatever stuff I've already written about here, or maybe I haven't written about it yet.
But anyway, he said he was super into Runescape again, and I kinda laughed at him for that, it was a kid's game in my eyes. But he said he would be able to make some money playing Runescape by selling the GP in the game, since each 1 million GP was around 60 to 70 cents, he said, and he could possibly set up some bots to just farm GP for him automatically. I told him if he ever had something like that set up, I would be so keen to do the same thing, because that's so interesting to me. I've made some bots before, that would play and beat games, and those were some of the funnest activities I've had, but I've never had any profit from them so I stopped.
Then we talked about philosophy, and I went to a whole bunch of different subjects, like we do in this journal. I apparently gave him some ideas and suggestions to think about, things he had never even considered before, and he called me the 'Master of Perspective' which I really liked. That was a really nice compliment, because apparently these are some of the first times he's hearing some of the ideas I've presented to him, and these ideas are just scattered everywhere throughout my journal.
We talked about a whole lot of different things, including aging, and especially aging. I think I kept putting it back to aging every now and then. I told him that right now we're younger than everyone, and then one day that'll flip and we'll be older than everyone, it's hard to even imagine for us right now, but it's going to happen if we survive for that long. Oh, and this guy used to be a vegan, for over a year or maybe a year I think, he became one because of me. Then recently he started not being vegan, and he didn't blame not being vegan anymore for these complaints, but he started blaming that he was getting older (he just turned 24) for having a slower recovery time, and unable to digest alcohol that easily anymore, and injuries taking longer to heal.
I didn't tell him outright that 'oh hey that's probably because you're eating terribly again, that's why your recovery is terrible now and why you're complaining so much' but I didn't want to start any conflict. He can blame 'aging' for his 24 year old problems, I know better than that. But he was also surprised when I told him that I did "that" 7 times last weekend, and that was a record for me. I did "that" 3 times so far today, Sunday, and I passed out after the third time.
He said the most he's been able to do was once or twice a day, and I just blew passed him with 7 times in one weekend. That's not a bad amount. And each time, I would have a good amount coming out, because usually you're dry after the first time, but I wasn't. I told him that, because it shocked me too. Like I said, we had a three hour conversation about everything from whatever just came to mind, and he's a close friend so he's fine talking about these things.
Oh, and then he told me it was Ramadan and his family was getting heavier because they would cool more calorie intensive foods and have a larger meal at night than they would normally if scattered throughout the day. Then I told him about how I don't eat breakfast or lunch during the entire day as well (but it's unintentional because I just wake up late, and don't have enough time to eat breakfast, and I don't bring any lunch, and I don't get home until 6 PM). So basically I'm doing Ramadan every workday, but unintentionally, and uncaringly for me. I don't care really, it doesn't affect me at all.
I told him I wouldn't eat anything for breakfast and lunch, then eat later when I got home around 6 PM, and then I would eat until I go to sleep, and then wouldn't eat again until 6 PM the next day. I told him I would just eat rice and beans when I got home, which was true, and some other stuff as well like maybe peanut butter and some fruit, just whatever was available. He told me that I must've had some insane discipline to do this, but I don't feel disciplined at all. This stuff just came so easily to me, I don't put in any effort to resist or anything.
What I don't have discipline in, is doing "that", and "that", is something I did three times today. Today was entirely unproductive. I notice that anytime I do "that", I'm basically done. The rest of the day I'm feeling a little elevated in my brain, a little bit high, because of the pleasure I've received. I don't want to explicitly mention what "that" activity is, but it should be pretty clear... I hate doing "that", I've been doing it nearly every day since I was in 7th grade, possibly every day with just some days where I don't do it. There are more days when I did it probably 2 or more times in one day, than there are when I didn't do it at all, I think, and that's with the period of me not doing "that" for long streaks of many months in a row in 2016 and 2017, and possibly some earlier times as well that I don't remember. I dunno, it's just been this consistent thing that I have spent well over 10k hours on, and have nothing to show for it.
So from now on, I'm done doing "that". I'm serious. I don't know what the fuck to do afterwards, but I've been so addicted to this shit since I was a teenager and I've had enough. I'm done. I don't want to do that anymore. I've actually somewhat prided myself in doing it once a day, thinking this was my vice, this is what the equivalent of my 'alcohol addiction' would be, "this" activity. But I'm done. I fucking hate it. I hate growing up this way, but yeah. I'm just going to leave it with me doing it 3 times today, and one time last night.
This addiction has to end NOW. I'm done doing "that". "That" is over, I'm done. No more. I'm not doing "that" ever again. I've had so many days that I thought would always be my last, but I always come back. I always, always, always come back to doing "that" despite trying not to. I dunno. I was called very disciplined last night, but if I can't even control my "that" urges, then I'm not disciplined at all.
So then we just kept on talking, and he told me about his new job as a security guard. He told me the training he had to go through and some insider tips for security, which was cool. It's stuff I've already sort of knew about, but hey it was better for him to just tell me outright, "This is how this works", and wow, what a voice of reason. He put it so bluntly, like, I've never seen such insider information given so bluntly like that, except from me. Like I would give out insider information pretty bluntly, information that would probably take hundreds of hours to access otherwise, and normally the information is given out as part of some other platter of information, but he just explained things bluntly, and I got it. I understood. That's the way to communicate.
We talked more about whatever, and then he said he had to go because it was 2 AM. So then he left. I told him we could have literally done another lap around if I knew he was going to stay this long, but oh well. I might come over his place tonight to walk again, but who knows? Maybe not. My mom wants me to exercise soon with her, but I want to write a little bit more before heading out.
So another thing I did yesterday was that I signed up for around 50 or so courses. Like, it was a lot of courses, a few of them I had to pay for. I wanted to do them yesterday, since I signed up at around 3 PM, which was pretty early. I signed up for these courses early and I thought I could do or start at least one, and then the entire day went by and I did absolutely nothing.
Then of course today comes along, and instead of doing anything productive, I just end up doing "that" 3 times, and that's literally it. So then as I was lying down on the ground, drooling, feely woozy and sleepy and tired after waking up from my third time doing "that", I got this idea for motivation. I made Minesweeper and Tic Tac Toe for fun while at work, and it was because I was being paid for it. I loved it, I loved learning if I was getting paid for it.
So I called up my dad and my parents were both out at this time, they left at around 12 PM to go to Church, and I did "that" twice after they left, and I did it once before they left, of course with the door closed, and I woke up around 4:30 PM. Oh, before this, I had a conversation with my last remaining relative from the generation where three of my relatives have died so far, and she's possibly one of my oldest relatives, this is related to me calling my dad later but I'll get to that. So I called my dad and he didn't pick up, so then I called my mom and she picked up and put it in speaker so I could talk to my dad while he was driving.
I explained to him that each class for university I was taking was $100 a class, and I asked him if he could reimburse me that $100 if I could get an A in that class. So if I got an A in that class, I'd get paid $100 so it was basically a free class, and I'd have learned too. He said sure. Then I told him I also signed up for a bunch of courses yesterday, and courses are around $10 each when they're on sale, but normally they're like $15, but I asked him if he could reimburse me $10 for every course I completed, and he said sure.
Awesome, so I just convinced my dad to pay me $10 for every course I completed and I signed up for around 50 of them. Am I even going to complete a single one? Who knows. Maybe. But I know that it's going to be both beneficial for me and for my wallet to actually take these courses and complete them. Oh, and then I bumped it up to $15 later, because I wanted to get a little 'extra' for completing it, since I would just be break even if I just completed it for $10, since it cost $10 for it anyway, so he agreed to $15 later.
Awesome. So now I'm more motivated to actually complete the courses and do well in them. How my elderly great aunt is related to this, is that I want to possibly ask her too if she could give me some money to complete these courses. She offered to help me in any way she could before, like, she said something like if I needed any help or anything I should just ask her, and I kind of justify this in my head by thinking that she wants to help her great nephew and it's pretty much what any kind of 'old person' wants to do, just help their nephew or great nephew in any way.
Of my course my mom yelled at me when I suggested this, but then I explained how she said before to ask her if I needed anything and that this was something, and that old people want to help their younger nephews and such. Lol. Am I twisted for thinking like that? Honestly I think she would say yes, just like my dad did. I don't think she would have any problems with it whatsoever, and that she would actually be glad to have helped if it meant I completed these courses and got an A in my classes.
By the way, classes and courses are two different things. Classes are for school, while courses are just things I do for fun in my spare time. I had to explain this a few times to my dad because he couldn't understand the difference, or didn't at first, and it is confusing I guess. Because school classes are also called 'courses', so they could both be courses, but I differentiate the two in my journal by calling one classes and the other courses.
So yeah. Oh, and my great aunt said yes before when I asked her for $300 a month to fund my studies, but I told her I'd let her know when I'd start needing it, and then my mom yelled at me so then I never got to tell her when I needed it. And I wasn't going to ask her for $100 every class I completed or $10 for every course, I was just going to ask for around $50 a month to fund my courses, so I could buy five courses a month.
If I were wealthy and I had a great optimistic young learner for a great nephew like I am, then yeah I would say sure do these courses and I'll give you $10 (or whatever is reasonable at the time). I mean if it turns out $10 was suddenly what $10 was like in the 1950s, then that $10 would be a big deal, so I'd probably give less. Or if the courses were really just $5 then I can give them just $5 per course, something reasonable, like I am doing now. I mean I'm break even for getting an A in the classes, and I'm just $5 in profit after taking a 10 hour course, so, this is 'reasonable' to me.
And yeah. I have to go exercise now because it's getting dark, and it might start to rain soon. Hmm. But yeah that's what happened the past two days. I didn't do shite today, just "that" 3 times, and I did "that" once yesterday. Lame.
Also I'm done with anime. it's such a waste of time. I'm also done with "that", so with that, I have killed off two of my monsters with one swipe of my sword. Of course it's easier written than done, because I wrote about it, and I act so confident I've already slayed these demons, they could still resurrect any moment from the ashes of their fallen bodies and choke me until I surrender to their will again. I don't want that to happen, so I'll have to fight.
I was called as someone with a great amount of discipline, and although I don't see that in myself knowing myself, if others can see that in me, then I think it's hidden in me somewhere, I just have to find it. Yeah.
There could be any number of things I could be writing about right now. While I was studying philosophy in the past hour, many ideas came to mind, and many ideas went away. I don't remember exactly everything I wanted to type about anymore, they're all just gone now. I'll write about them if I remember them though.
What I want to write about is Dermatophagia. It's Greek for skin eating, and it's a "disorder" where a person compulsively eats away their skin, sometimes until it bled. You can look up pictures online of what this looks like. I don't know why I do this, but it started maybe in middle school? I just one day bit into my skin, and found out it came off easily from my fingertips, especially the corners of my fingers, the corners of the nails.
For some reason if it's just so easy to bit off, like it's like this chewable edible thing. And because of that, the skin all around my fingers at the very tip, are all hard and misshapen. It also seems like my fingers have adapted to becoming easy to bite off, and easy to chew on. That's the main reason I bite skin off, is to basically just chew on it. It's this very lame disorder, it's doesn't have any benefits, but growing up I thought that somehow because I kept doing this, maybe there would be a situation when this would be useful?
For example, I don't have any pain receptors on the edge of my fingers. I can and have punctured entire pins or sharp needles through them and felt no pain, it looks gross actually, but I felt nothing. I don't know how this will ever come in use, when will having numb finger skin ever become useful? So yeah, there's no point to this habit either. I'm going to stop.
The main reason I want to stop this activity however, is because of the Hayflick Limit. This is the number of times a cell can divide before that cell and its previous generation dies, and it's supposedly 60 times. That's not really that many times. I don't know the time span of when a cell divides 60 times, but it's not going to be much. It's not a lot. Maybe that happens in a day? Maybe less? But 60 times per cell, and that's it, that generation and its ancestors reach senescence then are dead forever.
So we don't know exactly the long term effects of Dermatophagia, and I don't think this current era has enough research done on it, but it's definitely not going to be a positive one. I mean, I'm literally damaging my own skin and taking it apart from the outside, I'm doing self-harm (even though I don't feel it) I also cause myself to bleed sometimes. I mean my level of Dermatophagia isn't as bad as the pictures, I really just eat off the tips of my fingers, and haven't gone around and chewed at it downwards from the tip like a lot of other people have.
I mean you only have a limited amount of stem cells right? I also had this feeling that because I would do this, I would have more stem cells than other people. Does that theory even make sense? Sort of, because I do chew off parts of my own body, it means that it has to recreate itself a lot more, which means it possibly has to have more stem cells, right? Yeah, but I can't ever prove it, and I highly doubt that's the case. It's even more likely that the limited amount of stem cells I have are being used for this, and that it's so far done more harm than good.
So I'm done with chewing off parts of my own skin. I'm doing with doing "that", I'm done with anime, and I'm done with Dermatophagia. No more.
Oh, another 'bad habit' I have I guess, is that I suck my thumb still. I suck my left thumb in this day and age, although no one knows about it except for my parents. I usually have a pillow with me as I such my thumb, holding it up like the blanket of that character from Peanuts that sucks their thumb, except I hold the pillow or pillow case or blanket up above my nose so that I can smell through it. I also sometimes form triangles with these devices and I put them underneath my fingernails as I'm sucking my thumb. I've been doing this nearly my entire life.
But so far I don't really know about any negative effects of doing this that I can think of. Maybe sniffing the blanket so close to my nose all the time is why my sense of smell has been reduced. I can't smell as well as my peers, and I find it really shocking that they could smell something, and I can't, and then I'd smell a whiff of it a bit later, but not as strongly as them. But, it's not that big of a hindrance I don't think.
Also sucking my thumb may cause buck teeth, but I suck my thumb in a way that it doesn't. I've been doing this for my entire life, and my front teeth are sort of buck, but they're not that terrible. Hmm, but maybe if I keep this up forever I'll have buck teeth eventually? Yeah. Maybe I should also stop sucking my thumb. But then sleeping will be harder...
Man. This is going to be the hardest addiction for me to get rid of. It's hard to imagine what I would do with my life if I weren't able to suck my thumb, form triangles with the pillowcase, and insert those triangles into my fingernails. Man. I'm going to get rid of all my addictions today?
Sigh. Yeah. I guess I'll commit to it. I don't think it's going to be that hard for me. I mean I already disciplined myself enough not to eat for basically the entire day, I think I can get rid of a few bad habits. So this is what I will get rid of today, and these are just the habits I'm able to think about right now, maybe there are more than I don't even know:
Sucking my Thumb
Is that it? Just four bad habits? Yeah. I can't really think of any other bad ones. That's pretty much it. this means that tonight I'll have to go to sleep without sucking my thumbs at all, and without watching any anime at all. I'm also going to just stop watching any television or movies in general, unless they're education or beneficial for me or they're for social reasons. The reason why I watch any anime at all is to waste time, it's literally to make it so that the time turns to another time nearly instantly, so that I don't have to go and experience it all.
That's quite a lame reason to watch anime and other videos right? Yeah. It's a very lame reason, why is why I'm going to stop. It's like I want to do that just so I can waste my own life. I really only have a limited number of days in this world, and if I just randomly waste so much of my time doing nothing but mindless activities, then I'm not going to have lived through the proper life that I wanted.
There is this Nietzsche philosophy I studied today, and it's something I've heard before. It's this idea where you repeat your life over and over and over again, that same life over and over. I first heard about it from Woody Allen, and I thought this kind of philosophy was sort of insanity, is what he made it sound like. It turns out he didn't get what the philosophy was about in the first place, because there's a very important question at the end regarding that philosophy after it's explained to you.
So the philosophy works by imagining that your life is trapped in an endless eternal loop. Once you reach the end of your life, you meet a demon who says that your life will not repeat again, in a constant process, and it will never end. And that's all I knew about this idea at one point and I thought it was insane. First, there's never going to be a time when your life just repeats over and over again. Life and time will continue on after you're gone, so this kind of philosophical idea is ludicrous.
But here is what I finally understood tonight, and it's something someone elaborated on. He wrote about the entire idea and included this last question, and I'm not sure if this was originally part of it, but I think this last question is what makes that idea complete. So the last question is this: "So if your life were repeating over and over again, would you be glad you were doing it again or would you be in anguish?" for me personally, right now, I would say that I would be glad to redo it over and over again, if it's literally the same exact experiences.
I've had a pretty good time up to this point, so I wouldn't mind. Now regarding the rest of your life, knowing that your life would repeat over and over again, you must now do things that would continue to justify a repeat if that's what you chose, or if you chose not to repeat life again, then you must do things in the future that make you want to repeat it again. That makes so much more sense now, right?
Finally that philosophy idea is complete. So, sure. I would like to repeat my life over and over again, and in the future, I want to make sure that my actions make it so that I would like to repeat it over and over again. Now you don't have a choice whether your life repeats or not, it's just whether or not you would enjoy reliving it again. That choice is up to you, especially in society this day and age where the possibilities are limitless, and again I write that, but in like 50 years people will be "What are you talking about? Limitless in 2018? Today is 2068 and you guys could not even do a 1/100th of what we can do right now", so... yeah. But still, everything is possible up to my understanding in living in the present.
Of course if I ever reach 2068, then my understand of what's possible and what's not possible would certainly differ. Then I would think that even more things were possible. But today, it already basically feels like anything is possible.
Oh yeah, so I have just a few minutes left before the day ends, and I still have to write about 200 words. Can I do that? Yeah , certainly. I have 8 minutes to write 200 words, that's certainly more than possible, in fact that should be very easy to do. what else should I even write about though?
Okay so when I was walking today, or actually I was exercising, since I actually ran around half of the distance, maybe more, I did one last 1/1t0h of a lap, before turning around and going back home. And at this point it was already very dark. I tend to jog in these forests or woods, and when it gets dark, it gets very spooky because literally everything around you turns dark and you cannot see as well, the sky is dark, and the insects start to become active, you start hearing noises, loud nature noises in the woods.
Normally in the day it's a lot more quiet and you don't really feel like you're in any danger. But at night, when out and about, then you feel like you're in trouble. Today I was just walking, and the entire time I've ran, there was no one. I ran deep into the woods, and got to the point where I wanted to turn around, and there was no one. I encountered zero people.
Even on the way there, on the sidewalks and such in a public area before the woods, there was no one. Absolutely no one. Normally when I would run the entire distance, which is around 2 miles from the entrance to the part where I turned around, I think, there would at least be a few people I would encounter, even if it was deep in the woods. Today though, there was no one, and it got dark.
But I finally made it out of the woods safely and was sweating a lot. So I then just decided to walk for a bit more. I checked my pedometer and I didn't think I had enough, I wanted to get at least 500 more steps or so, so I traveled down the path into the woods, it's still technically not in the woods, but it's also technically in the woods, I mean it's just this area with a larger clearing, where one side of the path there's the public areas, and there's no trees blocking your view to it, and on the other side is this playground, but technically it was sort of in the woods as the path wasn't concrete anymore, but it wasn't so deep in the woods where you look left and right and all you see are trees.
But anyway, so I was in this 'open' part. And I just walked 1/10th of the way in, to get to where the 'open' part ended and the real woods began, and then I turned around. Again I hadn't encountered anyone up to this point, which was weird on its own. Then as I was walking, I heard this weird fucking noise that gave me goosebumps and caused a shiver to go down my spine, and I was terrified. This weird "Hooooo" sound, it sounded like it was coming from a mammal that was grunting, it sounded almost human, just some human trying to say "booo" or something, but it wasn't.
I looked around me, I took off one side of my earphones so I could hear the outside world better, and I could hear it grunting and breathing. It kept making a silent "hooo" sound, a deep, silent, sound like that. And I was so freaking scared. Every maybe 3 steps I would take, and I was powerwalking fast out of here, out into the concrete sidewalk, this random "hoooo" noise would emerge, and I could not tell where it was coming from.
On my left side there were these plants, ah, I found them online since I didn't know what they were, they're called Cattails, and they grow in shallow water. On my left actually, where the view would be to the public area as I was walking out, was this huge and long pond that just followed the path I was walking down, and it was covered with cattails. On the my right side, as I'm walking out, is this very large and long playground that also followed the path I walked down. So for a good way down, you'd see a bunch of cattails to either your left or your right depending on which direction you were going, and the playground on the other side.
But yeah, I was walking, and there were these grunting and "hoooo" noises. I thought it was some homeless guy to be honest, that was trying to jump me or something, but I really looked around as I walked, and I could not see anyone or anything. I was filled with fear though, every hair on my body stood on its end, because like I said, it was dark, there was literally no one around, and this was supposed to be a public location where lots of people go.
So yeah I was scared. There would have also been no one for me to run to nor could I really call for help from anybody if something were to happen. So yeah, I was terrified! Now that I'm writing this, I'm not sure if I ever want to go back into the woods, because I only go in there before it gets dark, and then I'm sprinting on the way out trying to get out because it's suddenly getting dark, and there's literally no one else in there when I'm sprinting out. I think everyone else has the right idea to stay the fuck away from there when it's nearly dark, whereas my dumbass is still in there.
So yeah I was terrified today. I was very scared, I was very terrified for my life. I didn't run, but I kept power walking out of there. I had no idea and perhaps I'll never know what that ever was, but man. That just so scared me. If it's nature though, I'd rather just leave them alone. I don't really care enough to find out what it was, to go and damaging their existence. I'd rather just let them be, they didn't really harm me, perhaps they were just trying to make these noises in self-defense, in order to terrify anyone that would come by, so that they'd change their minds.
It's not my first time hearing noises like that, I've heard it quite a few times in this area. Every time though, it scared the shit out of me. When I go tot the same place in the morning or when there's light, there's nothing there. Like I could see everything, through the bushes, and so on, but nothing. at night you cannot see that well under the bushes, things are covered in darkness, and so I'm not able to see anything, but there's nothing there in the morning.
So I think it will always happen, these special areas where that noise does take place. The other place I've heard it occur, I've passed by it twice at night, and it occurred both times, and they were about a month or two apart from each other. So yeah it's pretty scary.
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List Courses To Take in Order
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Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I program a little today? No
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? No
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No
12:00 AM – Untracked – 7:10 PM
7:10 PM – Setting Up Today – 7:11 PM
7:11 PM – Writing Journal – 7:55 PM
7:55 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 8:00 PM
8:00 PM – Exercising – 9:05 PM
9:05 PM – Break – 10:11 PM
10:11 PM – Helping Dad Pack Up Cable Boxes – 10:25 PM
10:25 PM – Studying Philosophy – 11:22 PM
11:22 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (3:38)
Setting Up Today (0:01)
Writing Journal (1:21)
Helping Dad Pack Up Cable Boxes (0:14)
Studying Philosophy (0:57)
Neutral Hours (20:21)
Preparing to Exercise (0:05)
Unproductive Hours (
Web Development: 218
General Programming: 8
Game Development: 4