Saturday, May 26th 2018

12:26 AM

I've thought about it even more now. I tried to see if she was available on Skype still, and I knew she had removed me as a friend, but I didn't know she entirely blocked me because nothing shows up when I search for her. Because of that, I'm not going to be sending her any messages or emails. If she were at all interested in talking to me again, I figure that I wouldn't be blocked like this.

So because this message is going out to absolutely no one, I'm just going to post it here. Of course I'm censoring some stuff, but this is what I would've sent:


You've left ___ forever? It's been a long time since I last visited, but I can't believe you're off the site now. You used to be that person I thought would just always be there writing, even setting the record for the longest journal streak ever. One thing is for sure though, you have been the most influential person on that entire website.

Anytime someone visited, they saw your latest entry. You've influenced so many people, including me, without even realizing it.

You might've thought I stopped writing a long time ago, but I actually still write online and I'm now on day 580. I still write about everything, even much more openly than before, although very few people read it.

Anyway, keep it up ___, even if you do it privately now. I'm sorry about everything I did. Hope everything in your life goes awesomely well.


That message is going to no one. It's really time for me to find someone new, but at the same time I don't feel like there's any rush for it right now. I'm currently just working on my career and my health, those two are the most important things in my life right now and the two things I'm putting the most effort in.

In relationships, man. It's so hard for girls to like me anyway. I have a ton of excuses that few others can relate to, but it's true, it's been extremely difficult for me to find anyone. To find even anyone interested in me is a rarity. Of course that dance party the other night was an exception, I think that's the first time I saw so many 'interested' women in me, in the longest time, in forever, but I didn't even talk to them.

Also, maybe there are girls interested in me after all, but I just don't go out of my way to talk to them? Meh. I don't know. There's still my 30s, I think that's when I'll really step it up a notch and start desperately looking for a partner. For now it's not even something I should care about. I don't want any kids right now, it's not like I can take care of them that well anyway.

I know a person who had a baby when he was my age, and the baby became 3 eventually, so he was 27 the last time I saw him, and this was several years ago. He said that he did not plan on having any kids so early on, and that's all he said, probably wise not to say anymore than that, but I'd feel the same way. I wouldn't have planned to have kids now, if I had kids now.

And there were certainly quite a few times I could've had sex in real life. I'm shaking my head as I write this, but I put them off thinking I'd find someone better and more meaningful. Some of my friends whenever I told them of some of these situations, said things like "you should've just ___ her then left" or ask me "why didn't you man?" and I think it's because I don't think I was ready...

Wow. Yeah. Let me focus on my career first, not that I'm ahead of that many people or anything. I've been made fun of by random people online for not making as much as them (I've probably been made fun of every subject under the sun). Yeah yeah. I get it, but we all have our own pace to go by. This is my pace. I'm going through my own leisurely pace.

And yeah there are ton of people my age who've had at least 30+ partners already. I mean the close friend that brought me to that dance party, he has easily had 50+ partners. Then one of my closest friends at my old workplace had 100+ partners. I've had zero. I've never even been in a relationship with anyone. Who's to say I didn't try though?

I looked through some photos of my freshman year dorm mates, I lived in a floor with 5 girls to 1 guy. It was awesome. They all look so different now, they're pretty much all single as well (from what I can tell), and it looks like they're living a pretty normal life. Normal, but not great. I mean these are people from my generation, people I grew up with, and we're all growing older together at the same time.

It's been such a long time since I've talked to a lot of my friends. I'm going to go on Instagram to invite some of them to Instagram, because I don't have a Facebook. Maybe I can chat with them on Instagram instead? One of my friends became pregnant at 25 I think, it's been maybe three years since I last talked to her. She would be 28 now, and at the time I was 21 when I was talking to her, she felt 'old' to me? But I'm about to be her age that we first met, soon.

Hah. I remember when I was 22, and I was talking to a girl who was 23. We became pretty close friends, but she ended up closing her Facebook for some reason and disappeared. I gifted her an $80 Amazon thing, which was a lot of money for me at the time, and she ended up not even using it. She had a year to take advantage of it, but didn't. I felt like I should've just kept that $80, but I think it made her feel better.

Another friend I had, I think she was my age when I was 21, we close friends for a while, we'd play video games together and have fun. I planned on meeting her up, but she was in New York I think, and we had to plan for me a time to get there. She was the one doing all the planning and scheduling, and I just had to pay for the tickets. But I kept pushing it off, and it ended up never even happening. At some point she had some very depressing issues, and was suicidal, I sent her $300 to help her out a bit since she moved out of her parent's place and was in Kansas I think, with some guy she's known for longer than she knew me, I didn't want to get into a relationship with her anyway, but thought she was a good friend to have.

Then there was this artist friend I had, who was 19 when I was 21, so she'd be 22 now. I don't even know if she remembers me, we got along pretty well initially but then she might've just thought I was some annoying kid who kept messaging her. She still kept on replying though, but she made the best freaking art I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm serious. She had a few 'Daily Deviations' on DA which means her artwork was featured, it's sort of like being on the front page of YouTube, back when YouTube had the 'featured videos' page (this was in 2005), but for art. So her artwork was masterful. I'd buy it right now.

Then there's foreigner friends I had, friends from Europe. Why was I talking to so many girls anyway? I don't know. I became close friends with a lot of them, some of them are just so nice that they're really easy to talk to at any time. Others don't even care, they're into you initially, and then they find out what kind of person you are, and they just act like you're nothing afterwards. Still, some of them kept replying.

I've been blocked just a handful of times, maybe like 3 or 4, not really that many. Ooh. Being blocked by one person on my birthday, she was a super close friend, I thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever spoken to in my entire life, and was friendly to me. She was so amazing, so athletic, and so intelligent, I had a huge crush on her, and she was 19 while I was 21, and I just thought she was the best. We talked for a while, she wished me a happy birthday for my 22nd birthday, and then I asked her to write a poem for me, which I facepalm at today, and then she ended up blocking me. This tore me up and I was devastated by it for over a year. I even asked the 25 year old friend I had to message her for me around 6 months or so later, and she was surprised I still even thought about her at all.

After about a year of being blocked though, she ended up unblocking me, and I just turned 23 at the time, she must've been 21 or around that. I messaged her excitedly, I mean, I would search her name on the message bar every now and then just to see if her profile picture would ever come up again, and that day coincidentally became one of them. Either way, in pure coincidence, I ended up seeing that she unblocked me, and I found out pretty recently from when, I think.

We had a long talk and caught up again, I walked outside while chatting with her on the phone. I was really happy, but I was heartbroken at the end when she asked me why I liked her so much, and then I explained, and then she just said 'sorry', like my reason for liking her wasn't good enough, and then an exchange of a few more words, and I felt the most heartbroken I've ever felt in my life. I closed my Facebook account after that, and never logged in since. This was in 2016.

I mean I definitely skipped over a lot of my other friends, like I said some of them are sooo friendly they just keep talking to you no matter what. They're so freaking nice. I miss talking to some of them. I looked some of them up earlier and they still had their Facebooks. I saw some of their faces and wow, it's them. It just feels weird seeing someone you haven't seen for a long time, someone with unique features that are just so interesting, I don't know. There's not really that many girls that have something very distinguishing about them, but one of them, and I don't even remember her name sadly, but I just remember her freaking eyes.

She had these really beautiful eyes, they looked so baggy but healthy baggy. She had huge eyes. I don't freaking know how else to describe it. When she smiled, these huge bags would form, but she was a very thin girl, and it's so hard to describe. She was very pretty but her eyes man, those eyes got me. She was my age I think, 22 when I was 22, but she looked a lot younger. Those freaking eyes man, wow. I could stare them for ages and they'd never get old. I've never seen that feature on anyone else in my entire life. Some have come close, but she had the baggiest, they were so memorable. How can I even describe it, baggy but beautiful eyes? It's hard to describe.

Of course I haven't had contact with her in a while, and I never told her what I thought about her eyes and how interesting they were. In hindsight, I should've just told her since I don't even know how to contact her now. I think snapchat is where we last chat, and I don't have a snapchat anymore. But yeah she would send these random selfies and I'd stare at those eyes and just me mesmerized.

Oh yeah and the first girl I ever went out on a date with, and the first girl I ever kissed, she was really not bad. Like, she was fairly attractive in hindsight. I met her just by saying hi or something, once. And we had a brief chat for a few messages, and then she just asked me out, out of the blue while I was in my room, literally just not doing anything. And I was like, uh, yeah! Let's go out! And I was super excited to go on my first date with a real life girl. I was 21 and she was 24. You know, I thought 24 was old, but I'm 24 now, and it feels... it feels my age... you know? Like, 25 feels old, 23 feels young, but 24 feels like my age.... The right age. And it changes every year.

Ah and then I'll die at some point. Shit. Just like my Uncle Tony who died tonight, and my uncle Mayo who died in February, and my grandmother who died in January. What a fucked up year to die. Uncle Tony actually took me to his garden a few months ago, and he had this enormous place. He was full of life and energy, I really can't believe he's gone just like that. He died in a third world country too, in a third world country hospital, just like the two other relatives who died this year. I have been to those hospitals, and they are depressing.

I'd rather die at home than any hospital. It sucks. Death is... eh. I've read possibly hundreds at this point, hundreds of ways people have died. I think the most common I have seen was pneumonia, that's what my Uncle Tony died of tonight. It's just a coincidence that it was pneumonia, because heart attacks are also common causes of death, and so is cancer, but maybe Pneumonia just stood out for me. I dunno, cancer was also very common, so why'd I think pneumonia was the most common?

Can you just imagine going to sleep and never waking up? That's what death is exactly like. But.. but... but I want to do X and I want to do Y... h-h-how can I do that if I don't wake up ever again??? It's an inevitability. I'm going to die whether I like it or not, and so is everyone else. Everyone in existence is going to die. There's no one in the entire universe that has circumnavigated death.

Oh yeah, while running today in order to escape the forest, because it was dark, and actually I got stuck in the forest while it was dark. No one else was even close. I had to do my best to try and run out as soon as possible, and while jumping over some rocks, as there were a ton of rocks, I landed incorrectly into this pit, or this uneven ground that was curved downward at this point, and I twisted my ankle. Oh, actually, I 'rolled' my ankle, and this is such a common thing for me, that I just got over it after a minute or two of walking. I landed on my rolled ankle in full force though and nearly fell the heck over, but then I balanced myself with the other foot and I limed for a while, trying to escape the forest.

It is a terrible idea to go out so late, but I don't like the sun reigning down on me, so I go out when it's later so I'm hidden from the sun by the tall mountains in the distance. I don't like wearing sunblock either, it doesn't smell good, and it's hard to wipe off in the shower. Plus I read it can do some terrible stuff to your skin possibly, but so can the sun! That's why I sometimes wear a jacket when going out, and a hat, even if it's not cold outside. I wear the jacket to protect myself from the sun, not from the cold.

The older I get, the more 'obvious' the world becomes. Maybe it's just because I'm learning more and I've absorbed a lot of information over the years so I know what to expect usually.... What am I even talking about now?

Anyway, I'm super sleepy. Good night in a bit. I'm going to browse the web for a while, reading random things about philosophy and such.

11:00 AM

I wonder why I didn't get 8 hours of sleep last night? I slept comfortably, peacefully, I slept at a good area. Well, maybe I was actually woken up, because I do remember telling my mom to turn down the music. Yeah, I was probably woken up, that's why I was awake so freaking early. But I'm still surprised I didn't get nor did I even come close, to getting 8 hours of sleep. Well, I got a bit close, I got 7 hours, but it wasn't 8 hours.

I'm supposed to be very tired from exercising the other day, having ran, having rolled my right ankle, having had barely any sleep the night before, having done a full work day? But I wasn't that sleepy or tired apparently. Also, I just looked it up, but sprained or rolled ankles are supposed to be 'extremely' painful, is what I found online. But I don't feel a thing. Nothing.

Like I said, yesterday I nearly fell after I landed incorrectly and I rolled my ankle, and I had to limp for a while to get out of the forest. It hurt initially and I limped when I walked, but after a few minutes, I was able to walk on both feet again just fine. You know what was extreme pain? Having a kidney stone, or a really painful tooth ache. Now that's pain. A rolled or sprained ankle? That's nothing. It might have also been my adrenaline that pushed me to get out of there nearly pain free.

You know that feeling when your body's not in any pain? That's the best feeling. It's total calmness. It's how I feel most of the time, and how I imagine most people feel most of the time, maybe not the elderly though or people that don't take care of their health that well, but most people, I imagine them feeling like this, totally numb to any sort of pain, yet still not doing as much as they can with their life.

And so here I am, totally numb to everything, yet still not feeling complete. I've gotten and I know I'm going to get basically everything I've ever wanted or will want in life, but I'm not sure how complete that will make me feel either. In all honesty I'd probably feel the same or similar to how I do now, numb to everything. That's the ultimate state we'll end up in, when we're literally numb to everything, when we die. So either way, it doesn't really matter which path you take, it all leads to the same destination in the end.

That's quite the profound thought. It doesn't matter which path you end up going down, you'll still end up in the same place, in the literal sense. Nice... nice... Although it would be better to do something productive and beneficial while you're still here. Temporarily forget about the end destination, and just think about where you are right now, it would still be better to arrive at that destination doing the most good that you can do, rather than doing the opposite.

I have quite some profound ideas every now and then, but I constantly forget that I ever wrote them. For example I wrote this little gem to some guy who was asking 'how can I curse someone to death?':

First, don't. They'll die eventually someday too. Every 100 years everyone in the world is replaced, including whoever you have hatred towards, and everyone you have love towards. We all go. Me and you, in 100 years, we won't even be here anymore, neither will the person you want to curse so badly.

Why care? Let them go.

I don't like going on these websites because often times other people have answers that infuriate me or people ask questions that infuriate me. Just the worst questions and the worst answers that make me shake my head and facepalm humanity as a whole. For example, why would you want to curse someone to death, and why would you even believe curses are real?

Another example of a person asking an infuriating question was something like 'How come we care about animals more than people? One lion dies and everyone cares while millions die and no one bats an eyelid?', and the answers infuriated me too. I just headsmacked that person in a condescending manner:

Are you joking? Animals are not treated better than humans, in fact billions are slaughtered a day for food when humans don't even need to kill any to survive. Millions of people die a year and no one cares because that's normal, just like how it's 'normal' in our primitive day and age to slaughter billions of animals. I'm optimistic that in the future, society will change as a whole and we view today as barbaric of an era as we do the year 1000.

It kinda infuriates me this is the society we live in. I like living in a first world country more than a third world country since the first world country has usually progressed more, but often times that line is thin.

12:12 PM

I've been slouching my entire life. It was to mainly hide my body fat in my stomach, and I would slouch forward to make me look more normal than usual. This is why I never really got called fat until I was morbidly obese, and I was just a 'chubby' or even normal person, even when I was in the high overweight in the BMI range.

I found this perfect balance of slouching a little bit forward, enough to hide my stomach, where my arms would be in the center of my stomach and my back. I just learned, literally today, that the proper way to stand is with your shoulders back, so your arms are back. This is how most people stand in the world, and I never really noticed, because I had always just slouched forward. I always wondered why everyone in the fucking world had their stomachs sticking out forward, while I slouched and hid mine.

Then I realized, everyone was standing up straight, with their arms and shoulders behind them, and their stomach in front. When I stand like this, then I look like some fat dude. I never stand like this. This is my first time even thinking about doing this all the time. I've gotten so used to the other way.

3:04 PM

Holy crap. I don't even think I can make a To Do List app with AngularJS anymore even though I did it very easily last week or two weeks ago. I don't remember how to do that now. I'm seriously going to have to review the source code to even figure out how I did it.

Beyond that, I don't even remember how to make Tic Tac Toe anymore, or how to make Minesweeper anymore. I don't remember!! What the hell! How did I make the tiles switch colors when you clicked on them? I made these from scratch without following any guides or tutorials, so I should technically still remember, but I don't. WOW.

That was quick. I forgot so quickly. Let me read the source code now so I can get a refresher, if I can understand it still.

Tasks Today
Find out what happened to photos from May 9th through 11th
Upload 21 photos to Instagram
Work on Time Log app

Full list in the Extended Backlog page

Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? No
Did I program a little today? No
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? No
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? No
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No

Time Log

12:00 AM – Contemplating – 12:26 AM

12:26 AM – Writing Journal - 2:10 AM

2:10 AM – Browsing Internet – 2:15 AM

2:15 AM – Sleep – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Browsing Internet – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Writing Journal – 11:24 AM

11:24 AM – Watching Videos – 12:12 PM

12:12 PM – Writing Journal – 12:20 PM

12:20 PM – Wasting Time – 3:04 PM

3:04 PM – Writing Journal – 3:07 PM

3:07 PM – Reviewing Code – 3:37 PM

3:37 PM – Browsing Internet – 5:57 PM

5:57 PM – Watching Videos – 10:57 PM

10:57 PM – Walking Outside – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:51)
Writing Journal (2:19)
Reviewing Code (0:30)
Walking Outside (1:02)

Neutral Hours (6:45)
Sleep (6:45)

Unproductive Hours (13:05)
Contemplating (0:26)
Browsing Internet (4:05)
Watching Videos (5:48)
Wasting Time (2:46)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 218
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 36
Game Development: 4