Friday, May 25th 2018

12:08 AM

Here comes another day. The day starts off just like any other. It seems like I'll be 24 forever. But I know the time ticks and tocks and the day goes by, and I'm one day closer towards 25. This always happens to me, I remember when I was 23, it felt like I'd never reach 24, but then 23 walked out the door. I barely remember the past five years, they passed me too quickly like my peers. But here I am, 24 still, I'm going to cherish this age while I am still this age. I really don't know what else to do with my life, but to work on myself and to keep improving slowly every day.

It sucks. I should've ran yesterday, but instead I stayed at home. I know what pitfalls me into staying at home though, and it's doing 'that', which I did three times regretfully. Once I do that one time, I'd be way too exhausted to do anything else. Of course before I start doing 'that', I feel like I'll be able to run and walk outside no problem, or study no problem, or do anything else, no problem! Then once I start doing 'that' and once I finish 'that', I'm suddenly careless about doing anything else, and all I'd want to do next is either sleep, watch videos then sleep, or eat then sleep.

That's what destroyed my day yesterday. Yeah I regret it, and I can't take back that time now. The thing is, I've been doing 'that' for years and years now, maybe over ten years at this point. And it hasn't benefited me much if at all. In fact I'd given up tens of thousands to this restless activity that never ceases, and I'd always just waste my time instead of improving. What a terrible way to spend the limited amount of time that I have here.

I already plotted out how many weeks I have left in this world, and I think it's over a thousand if I make it to 75. Let me try the math again. So that's basically 50-51 years, let's just say it's 50 years from now to make it simpler and to round down. So there are 52 weeks in a year, times 50 years, is 2600 weeks. I'd have 2600 weeks left to be alive, if I lived to be 75, starting on my 25th birthday.

It seems like a long time, but it's finite. I've already spent 1300 weeks on this planet, and I'm not going to get any of those weeks back, ever. They're gone, forever. I remember when I was 21, I walked by the store 'Forever 21' and I thought that everyone wishes they were 21 again, and yeah, I can definitely attest to that, being 24 today. I wish I were 21 again.

21 is such a young, ripe age. Although I spent it in misery, it's generally a good year for most people. Actually, my 21st year wasn't that bad. It wasn't terrible. I got my first job as a 21 year old, and it paid decently, I also bought my first car which was a brand new car at 21 years old, and I think I went on my first date and got my first kiss as a 21 year old. That was in 2015, that was an excellent year. I've already written down the numerous events that occurred in that one freaking year, which was unbelievable, so I'm not going to go through them again. Who the hell knew so many things could happen in just one year?

Okay so I spent 21 in awesomeness, but I spent my 20th year in misery. Absolute misery. Same with my 19th year. Those were miserable years in my life. When I was 19 I was going through college actually, and that's when the stress and other things mounted up. The first semester was fun, I made over 400 Facebook friends in that one term, and met those same few hundred new people all in real life, but the second term wasn't as great, although I did meet other cool people.

I just love going to classes in general. I love sitting down and listening to the lectures and teachers, and sitting down next to some classmates, especially if they were female, because then I could chat with them for a bit and it was so much fun. That's what made my school life so interesting and exciting, was just that I'd have these friends in my classrooms and it would be so much fun.

But other than that, I felt miserable in my second term. I didn't like following others, and it felt to me like we were all going down the same path since I was there in this school and everyone was doing the same thing, getting through school. So then I looked for alternatives to college, and I found out that instead of spending tens of thousands on school (my first semester cost me around $30k, or it cost my parents that much or around that much), I could've done online schooling for much less than that. So then I got pissed and I wanted to leave college, but I got into arguments with my parents, and so on and so forth.

Also school was not that particularly fun outside of classes. I did make some awesome girl friends and I'd get into their dorms but I never really pursued anyone nor did I like anyone that much so nothing happened. But it was cool, I learned about a lot of student's lives there, people's backgrounds, stories, I went to some parties, I did decent in my classes, I hung out with my friends, and I was super friendly. It's the polar opposite of me today. I was so friendly and talkative to people back then, gosh it was so easy to smile, now I'm just so quiet and I want to be left alone and I have difficulty smiling when people talk to me now.

I was also terribly unhealthy in school. I was in ROTC and had these two to three hour morning exercises every MFW (or maybe it was every Tuesday and Thursday), and I had to get up at like 4:50 AM to get to the field around 5 AM to do exercises until 8 or so. I was still so heavy and overweight and felt so bad often. I was so unhealthy.

One of the things I hated the most about living on campus was that there was no place for privacy. I just wanted to be left alone sometimes, right? But in my dorm, I had a roommate, and I actually blame myself for being retarded, which is how we disconnected eventually and it did not work out. I'd give him the silent treatment when he was trying to talk to me but I didn't want to talk to anybody, and I eventually blocked him on Facebook which really upset him since he thought I was such a good and close friend initially.

But I found out that the library had these rooms you could check into, so I'd go into those rooms often to give myself privacy. Those were the only fucking places in the entire fucking campus where there was any privacy. They were just these little rooms in the library that had a door, and you go in, and there was just a desk there, and a chair, and it was this tiny room you couldn't even lie down in, like a cubicle, but it was completely private. I'd hang out in there, and I'd watch movies sometimes on the floor, under the desk, and with my legs bended since that was the only way I'd be able to lie down prone and watch movies in that tiny room.

That definitely brings back memories. In the meantime I'd also work on my own things, and I'd have created my second viral website after JustMegawatt. This other website I made, I got much much more visitors than JustMegawatt, and it was so exciting. In fact, today, you can type in the website name and people are still freaking talking about it. It's so fucking interesting because Google has this auto complete feature, and they integrated it into the URL bar in chrome, so if you type in a random search query, you'd have a bunch of suggestions of what comes next. For this website today (although I do not own the domain any and haven't for 3 years), if you just type in that website it comes up with suggestions like "is down" "is offline" "not working", LOL. FREAKING. AWESOME. I just did that just now, and it still popped up.

I have not visited or worked on that website for over three years, and it's just so interesting how that still comes up in search. I worked on that, I think while I was in college. Before I dropped out, I wanted to do 'something', so I worked on that. And it became a hit for no fucking reason. Like, I had no idea it was going to do well, but it just did. That's cool as fuck.

Then afterwards I had my miserable 19-20 years of life. Maybe they were miserable. Ah. I've already written about those years numerous times, and still today I don't even let out all the details. There are some regrets in the past that I want to remain there. I should definitely not just keep some of these experiences to myself, since they're not a 'big deal' anyway, but I choose to just keep them to myself for whatever personal reasons I have.

What about my 22nd to 23rd years? Those went by silently. Honestly I barely remember those years. Those years to me were the 'standard' or 'typical' years, what I'd feel like my typical life was, if I imagined it today, it would be those years. They were boring, lame, unexciting, and that's how I'd describe my 22nd to 23rd years of life. Of course if I had a time machine, I'd relive those years again and do them differently. But I don't, so yeah.

Thing is, in hindsight, things felt more conquerable than they were. Like if I were put back into 2015, I'd imagine just quitting my job right away, and studying the right materials that would matter in the future, and then investing in the right things, and then by next year I'd be ready for the world. But the thing is, that could basically be applied to today. Except I already found a job I really enjoy, and it's useful too. So I think I'm going to stay here, because I don't know what else is around.

I should get to sleep now. my parents are going to wake me up at 6 AM tomorrow. It is always 1 AM, which means I'll probably get just around 5 hours of sleep. So, good night.

1:10 PM

Well this is the first in a long time. I'm not able to fall asleep so quickly. Normally I just lie down, and I'm passed out, asleep. But I did take a one to two hour nap earlier today, so that might be why I'm not that sleepy right no. Still, I think the main contributing factor to me not sleeping right now, is because my brain kept on running. I still wanted to write down some more ideas that I haven't yet.

For example, I think that everything we have is borrowed. Not only are our very own possessions not really ours, neither really is our body nor is our mind or ability to think. The ability to do anything, whether it's walk, see, hear, feel, etc, are all just borrowed as well. Everything we have from our experiences to our thoughts to our hair to our body to our emotions, to everything, is all borrowed. We don't really own anything.

The only reason why in life we treat each other as if we had our own possessions, was because we just did things that way culturally and later on, lawfully. According to law, this property is my possession. But according to life, it's all borrowed. Everything breaks down. The computer I'm using now isn't the same computer I used in college, nor was it the same computer I used at work two years ago. The computer I was using before, I took great care of it, and I never imagined it would ever break down, but it did. Its graphics card broke, I fixed it, its keyboard broke at least twice, I fixed it at least twice. Its motherboard broke, I got the motherboard replaced by a technician, its battery broke, its charger broke, etc, etc. I got it all fixed and I did it all myself except the motherboard.

Today that thing has practically completely fallen apart, I really only use it just for watching anime and porn, so I really only bring it out when I want to do those activities. Hint to myself, I shouldn't bring it out unless I want my day to be wasted. So that computer's entire hinge broke, the entire monitor is now disconnected from the machine, except for the cables. So it's weird, because technically you can now put down the monitor all the way back, and it's literally unattached, except the cables that are connected to it.

I don't even know how it got that way. At first the hinges broke and it just couldn't stand upright anymore, eventually one entire side was disconnected, and then eventually the other side too became disconnected, and before I knew it, it was just this free standing monitor. Also the keyboard barely works now, and the mouse buttons don't work that well, etc, etc. things really do fall apart, everything does eventually.

What's weird is that you can find photos online of places that were once new or crowded or eventful, and then the 'after' shot is that they're abandoned with grass and other plants growing where there used to be an active amount of people and very neat and new looking furniture and decorations if it were indoors, or newish looking cars and clean roads if it were outdoors.

Anyway, I'm going to do some random web browsing and read up on some philosophy. I really feel tired and sleepy now. life is so short. It sucks that it all has to end. I wish I could have lived my life differently. I don't have any way to go back in time, so I can only live my life the way I want to live it, starting now, not later.

I'm going to read some philosophy now. It's been a while since I've read about other people's opinions and theories on philosophy, so my writing may completely change after this. It's a good thing I wrote a decent amount before reading other people's thoughts again.

6:13 PM

I read Lao Tzu's philosophy before going to sleep last night and I thought it was definitely profound. I loved the wisdom from there. I fell asleep reciting and thinking about some of what he said.

6:23 PM

It took me four minutes to write those last sentences. I've been thinking a lot, and I'm not feeling the best right now. My writing sucks and doesn't make sense sometimes. There should be someone here to critique me on what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong, because my writing is just plain old terrible now. I read some of what I wrote the other day, and I could not follow along. It was that bad.

Work was great today. I was given some assignments, I got two of them done. One of the assignments was surprisingly simple, but it took me around six hours to complete. I thought it was much harder than it was, and I had tried a few different workarounds, but the surprising part is just it took literally two lines of code to do the entire thing. I thought it was going to be a lot more complex, but it was very simple, yet these two lines of code took me six hours to write. Unbelievable. Of course, now that I know how simple it was, I'd be able to do it in two lines in the future.

I finished that task that was assigned to me yesterday as well, and I finished it in around an hour and a half of arriving to work. It also was not that difficult, and again I thought it was still harder than it was, it was literally just adding one word, and a plus sign. That's it. That solved that entire problem. The thing is, I was complimented for being fast too, although I don't consider myself fast at all.

So I got through the day that way, and I was given six more assignments to work on, one of them I completed right before leaving, so I have five tasks to work on when I get back to work on Tuesday. The thing is, these tasks that I originally thought were difficult, are now getting easier and easier, and I'm getting through them a lot more easily. I mean that really hard task that I thought was hard, that was given to me on the first day I was given assignments, I got that one done in around two days, and it was hard.

Of course now that I know how to do it, I'd be able to get it done within a few hours (or maybe a day since I'd have to do it from scratch), but the first time I went through it, it was tough. It's great that I'm finally learning. Oh yeah, I started wearing glasses to work starting yesterday, and I also pushed my computer (which was is an all-in-one PC they gave me at work), all the way back into the furthest corner, so there'd be a much further distance between my eyes and the monitor.

I had started getting blurrier vision lately and it was worrying, so I also asked them to screw in the lights above my head, because the previous person had them unscrewed and liked to work in the dark, which I had been doing this entire time. I wasn't in complete darkness, there was still light from the room around me, but it was dark above me and around me, because there weren't any lights there, the light bulbs had been unscrewed.

6:36 PM

When the lights above me were screwed in again, my entire workplace shined, and I could see a lot better than before. Two people also came by (one came by before the lights were on, because it was her who I asked on how I could turn them on again, the other came after) and told me that they didn't like the lights because for one of them it caused irritation on their skin, and for the other one, they didn't like the flickering because it gave them a headache.

I did some reading on fluorescent lights and it can cause a lot of negative symptoms in people, including causing a seizure. And after reading about these negative effects, I thought about having the lights unscrewed again, but then I'd have to send in another support ticket after I had just asked them to screw them back in, and it would be so embarrassing. So I decided to live with it for a day at least, and see if I really felt discomforted by the light. I looked around me in the room and saw that other people were also sitting under these lights, and they didn't feel any discomfort nor did they complain, so I decided to just live with it in the end.

If I had to make a choice, one of them would be for my eyes, the other one would be for my skin. I couldn't benefit both. I chose to benefit my eyes, and maybe perhaps wear a jacket or something in the office so that my skin isn't affected so much by the lights.

At around noon, there was a pizza party, but all the pizza had cheese, so I didn't have any. I went out to my car instead, and it was blazing hot inside. I parked at a different spot today than usual, because I wanted to see if there were any other 'good spots' that would have shade underneath it like my preferred parking spot did. Well, I was wrong to pick this spot, because there was no shade over it.

Then I drove out, to literally the coworking spaces one block away, and I parked under a tree and took a nap. This is my second time doing this, although my nap wasn't as great last time's, It was still comfortable. I had some weird dream where I spoke in somebody else's voice, and I don't remember what the dream was about, but it just had this one voice that I remember so well, I think he was from an anime.

I got back into work at around 1 PM and started working again. Before that though, I actually drove around for a bit trying to look for any more comfortable places to park to take a nap in, and I couldn't find any other place. This parking spot I found was the perfect spot. It was literally in between these two large white almost identical trucks that for some reason just always parked one spot away from each other, and it was under the shade of this huge tree, literally the only tree in that stretch of parking, and my spot was in the perfect spot for widest coverage of that tree.

I don't know why there's just this randomly perfect spot there, but it's there. I also don't know why no one else parks in that spot. Maybe because in the morning, they don't quite see where the afternoon sun would hit, so they parked in that strange place. Anyway, this is my second time parking in that exact spot, and it felt amazing. I mean, I was in view protection from both my left and right sides, and I was under the protection of the sun, so, I had no complaints.

Then I got back into work, and I worked on that thing for 3 more hours, that thing that took me 6 hours and it was just two lines of code, yeah. I can't even believe I'm an actual web developer now, and to be complimented for being 'fast'! Maybe I am good, or at least somewhat decent, because I can do this? I still think I suck and that I have no idea what I'm doing, but maybe I do know what I'm doing, and I just don't consciously know it.

So anyway, afterwards, I went to pick up my mom. It took her a while to come out, so while in the parking lot, I decided to check Obs' journals again to see if she had updated it since the 21st when I last visited. I read the title in disbelief, she was leaving the website and was now just going to be keeping a private entry. I read through half of her entry and was nearly in tears, that's when my mom knocked on the door and got in. I was already feeling pretty down at this point, and then my mom told me that my uncle Tony was in the hospital, in an ICU.

I had already lost two family members this year alone, and here comes possibly a third. There was that, and then there was Obs leaving the website, I felt heartbroken. On the drive home I would read her entry every now and then when we had a long wait in traffic, and I at first tried to talk to my mom about my awesome day at working solving these different problems, but she was just on her phone, not even listening to me.

So I just sat quietly, and I'd read Obs' last entry every now and then. Wow. That's all I thought about when I got back home, and even when I wrote those two sentences about Lao Tzu, that's why it took me so long to type. I was in disbelief, and I was grounded. She wrote about wanting to be successful, hmm, I wonder where she got it from? But yeah, she's gone now. Such is life.

I'm contemplating sending her an email today, but after reading some parts of the last two emails she sent me, just the bad parts mainly about her criticisms of me, and I just read it again now, I feel way too terrible to send her anything. It was a pretty harsh email I would say, so I am scared of sending her any message, as I'd fear she's just say something negative again. I shrug. Oh well, such is life. I had planned to send her a link to this journal I'm keeping, and to catch up on some things, but she never sent me anymore messages, and her second to last email is enough to make me cower, so I'm leaning towards not messaging her... Although I'd feel regretful as well if I didn't send an email.

Such troubles, you know? I dunno. My life can diverge into two different paths at this point, one where I sent an email, and one where I didn't. Which path would have been better? I'll never know. Whichever path I take, I'll just end up believing the other path was better. If that were the case, then I'd rather not send the email and feel like sending an email was better, rather than sending the email and feeling that not sending one was better. I'm serious. I'd rather not send an email and still feel regretful, rather than send an email yet still feel regretful.

I don't think it would feel good sending her an email anyway. I have no idea what she's thinking or what she'll think of me as she gets my email. Ah, but that second to last email she sent should be the final nail on the coffin. Of course if she did care about me at all, she'd probably send me a message telling me "I'm still here!" or something. But there's none of that.

Also I don't even check my inbox on this website, so I have no idea if I actually received any messages or not. Let me check actually, although it takes a while for me to check. Yeah. I'm going to check. Yeah I have no new mail. I do have more visitors this month though, around 400 unique visitors? That's not terrible! Although I think a majority of them are going to 404 pages because they're trying to visit pages that are no longer here.

Oh, and I messed up about my unique visitor count number before. It turns out I was viewing the "SSL" version of the visitors, which I only had like 23 of this month or something, a very small amount. The past few months I've had over 200 or so visitors consistently per month, which is pretty rad. That's so cool, that's so rad. What a cool and rad outcome!

The only thing I have to do is to continue on doing what I do. That's the only way I'll make it through. Yeah I don't have any close friends anymore that I can just work on projects with or do other stuff with whenever, but I think there will come a day when I do find someone like that again. Before that happens though, I have to work on myself and do what I can, do the best that I can, every day. That's the only thing I have.

Also, even though I'm preparing food now, and holy crap my beans should be just about ready at this point, I'm not going to eat any food. I didn't eat much for breakfast, just a handful of chips, a glass of grape juice, and I think that was it. I ate sweet potato chips for my eyes (they chips were orange, and so are carrots, so I assumed they both have some common nutrients maybe? Some that would be beneficial for the eyes?), and I drank grape juice because it has the same dark black pigmentation as blackberries, so I think those are good for the eyes too.

Even though I pretty much haven't eaten anything today, I'm still going to exercise before I eat dinner. It's because the sun is already starting to set, and if I want to exercise, I better do it literally within 20 minutes, or else it will be too dark for me. With that in mind, I'm going to go change now and start preparing to exercise, then I'll probably go out and exercise, starting first by walking, and then running when I'm stuck in the woods and the sun is down.

While walking of course, I'd probably feel a little bit down still.

10:21 PM

Oh man. My depression level is at a maximum right now.

10:59 PM

Well I wrote a decent draft email to send. I dunno if I'm going to send it. I might send it, maybe tomorrow.

11:20 PM

Well at least I got done what I wanted to get done today. I sent a friend a text message to see if he wanted to walk tonight, he's around 30 minutes away though, and this was a while ago that I sent this text, I just haven't checked my phone yet to see his reply which he probably replied to around 50 minutes ago.

Let me go check now. Nope, no reply. I kind of feel like just going outside, taking my laptop with me, and visiting places where I used to live. There's only been two places where I used to live, but I feel like visiting them. It's so nostalgic and that's the mood I'm in.

11:46 PM

OH. I just heard the news that my uncle Tony has passed away. What a crappy day. Today has actually been awesome, personally awesome. I got 5000 words done, and I was able to walk 10,000 steps. Those are really the only two metrics I care about. However, that's the third family member that died this year, and that personally sucks big time.

I'm so hurt. I've never even known what to do, I still don't know what to do. I'm going to send her that email, maybe tomorrow, just because hey, I'll die one day. I might as well not let any regrets go by.

Dang, what a terrifying year. I'm so confused, so... so... what is the word for how I'm feeling? I'm feeling regretful, ashamed, depressed, but also optimistic, and energetic, I feel weak and like a shadow, but also like a tornado. If there's a word to describe how I feel, it's alive. I feel alive, in a very emotional thunderstorm sort of way. I'm not sure how to feel, I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure about anything.

I feel like crying, but I can't cry. I feel like sleeping but I can't sleep. I feel like being happy, but I'm not. I just feel a lot of different things right now, and it's blowing me up. My life just needs to go on, day by day. That's all I have. Just day after day is all I have. I don't have anymore or less than a day. Just one day at a time.

I didn't get any of my Task List items done today, but I'm emotional right now. There's no predicting how things will go on from here. I've felt this way so many times before.

Tasks Today
Find out what happened to photos from May 9th through 11th
Upload 21 photos to Instagram
Work on Time Log app

Full list in the Extended Backlog page

Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? Yes
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? Yes
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? No

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:08 AM

12:08 AM – Writing Journal – 12:45 AM

12:45 AM – Attempting to Sleep – 1:10 AM

1:10 AM – Writing Journal – 1:24 AM

1:24 AM – Browsing Internet – 1:30 AM

1:30 AM – Sleeping – 6:50 AM

6:50 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:10 AM

7:10 AM – Driving – 7:40 AM

7:40 AM – Working – 12:30 PM

12:30 PM – Break – 1:00 PM

1:00 PM – Working – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Catching up Entry – 6:13 PM

6:13 PM – Writing Journal – 6:17 PM

6:17 PM – Preparing Food – 6:23 PM

6:23 PM – Writing Journal – 6:34 PM

6:34 PM – Preparing Food – 6:36 PM

6:36 PM – Writing Journal – 7:26 PM

7:26 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Walking Outside – 9:17 PM

9:17 PM – Break – 10:21 PM

10:21 PM – Writing Journal – 10:23 PM

10:23 PM – Writing Draft Email – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Writing Journal – 11:01 PM

11:01 PM – Contemplating – 11:20 PM

11:20 PM – Writing Journal – 11:26 PM

11:26 PM – Contemplating – 11:46 PM

11:46 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:37)
Setting Up Today (0:08)
Writing Journal (1:23)
Working (8:51)
Catching up Entry (0:23)
Walking Outside (1:27)
Writing Draft (0:36)

Neutral Hours (10:09)
Attempting to Sleep (0:25)
Sleeping (5:20)
Preparing for Work (0:20)
Driving (1:19)
Break (1:34)
Preparing Food (0:08)
Preparing to Exercise (0:24)
Contemplating (0:39)

Unproductive Hours (0:06)
Browsing Internet (0:06)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 218
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 35
Game Development: 4