Monday, May 21st 2018

12:10 AM

Yeah so where was I? Ah, yeah it was a bit awkward after that. After waving to her to show that I was friendly and I jumped through the bush in front of me, getting my clothes hit by thorns and branches along the way, I just started walking forward again and didn't even look back. She took about 30 seconds to get through that pond and bushes, but eventually she ran passed me and that was that, I didn't even get a good look at her apart from our initial eye contact, I was looking at all the flooding and nature around instead.

I went in there because I actually wanted to walk to around 30 minutes in, where there was this random bridge, like very random bridge, on top of this muddy area, and I wanted to sit down and meditate (granted there weren't any foxes or other carnivorous animals such as snakes beneath the bridge). Actually in hindsight, that would have been a terrible idea to meditate there, although it was peaceful the first time I went through it, I think there could actually be snakes and such.

Yeah I'm not sure if I will go back in there now that I think about it. I mean to go through the path you'd have to get very very close to trees, and there are trees and branches directly in your face, and large and long bushes directly to your sides that extend for a few yards, and very tall grass, and so on. This is absolute nature. The first time I went through it I was very cautious and afraid, because this was the wilderness.

I accidentally stepped on top of a worm last week I think, because on my way back out, and this was a very peaceful walk by the way because it was so empty and away from civilization, but I looked on the ground and saw this large earthworm struggling. I concluded I had stepped on it around 20 minutes before this, and it was dying, it had this white puss that was leaking out of it and it was squirming in anguish on the ground.

I felt terrible. I picked it up with a stick and put it to the side on a blade of grass, maybe I should have just put it out of its misery by stomping on it? I felt like it may have wanted to live on, and so I let it live on. Then this idea I've thought about countless times before came up in my head again, the fact that in the same area, one side can be experiencing bliss and happiness, while another extreme pain and torment. For example in an apartment complex, somebody could be suffering from a heart attack or kidney stone or there's a fight going on and someone got shot, but right next door there's a party and everyone's having a blast. Two completely different extremes, happening in the same area and both sides would be oblivious to the other.

I was in peace during my walk last week, the wind was strong, the sky was blue, it felt so serene and peaceful. But then I looked on the ground and saw this worm literally dying in front of me. This planet is only a benefit to humans. In less than an hour I'd be back home under air conditioning living in comfort, while elsewhere animals are literally being slaughtered, feeling the most intense suffering imaginable, it's the same world, but completely different lives.

Anyway, I went on a tangent to last week, when I should have really been writing about my experience today. The girl in purple blew passed me and I didn't even look at her, and I could just barely hear her feet hitting the ground as she quickly approached then ran by. I wonder if she had said anything to me and if I could've started a conversation? I felt like shit, I knew I was getting old, and my youthful appearance wasn't going to last forever, nor was my ability to be young, but I felt so incomplete, so not me yet, and not even close to being ready to date.

I kept walking forward, and eventually got to this great view of this area around me flooding. Both to my left and right, were large, very large, and I'm assuming very deep, bodies of water. To my left looked like a river, it was a long and winding river that started a long way from here, and curved at this point where I was standing, making a backwards C away from where I was (I guess a "U" shape curve away, yeah it looked like a U). Then on my right was another large body of water, this time for sure it was a river, a very large and well known river, that looks like a lake because the width is large, but yeah my state and another state are separated by this river at this point, so literally the other landmass ahead was another state.

The river was wide and deep, and due to the flooding, nearly reached the grass on the ground level. Last week when I went by, I could have probably sat down on the side of the river, and it was like a cliff basically, my legs could have dangled down and my shoes wouldn't have gotten wet from the water below. Today I could stand on the side and simply dip my toes in without bending my knees that much, sort of like in a pool, because the water level was so elevated.

I stood there for a while and just stared at the flooded area, again surrounded by a lot of grass, and trees, and bushes, and so on. After a while, maybe 30 seconds or so, I started walking again, and I could see a long distance from here, blocked by a lot of leaves and trees, but in the distance I could scarcely see the girl in the purple actually pausing and looking at the ground and jumping over puddles and doing it a few times, pausing, jumping, pausing, jumping. Honestly I thought she just ran through and got her entire shoes and everything wet, that was the only way I imagined her getting passed that first large pond which I spent over 30 minutes trying to get across.

I kept walking forward, and then I encountered pond and mud nation. There was no way I was getting across this. It was just mud and water from here on, barely any paths to walk on, and I didn't want to walk on the side for that long because the thorns would've gotten to me. I turned around and started heading back, but then this thorn came out of nowhere and I think it hit me in the face or it almost did? Anyway I was very annoyed by this thing since it was just this long vine with sharp thorns jutting out, and I basically just got the vine loose, and I hid it behind itself, and it got locked in place because the thorns would lock them in. I don't know how to explain that, basically it was this flexible springing long material, this vine, and it was covered with thorns and leaves, and I put it behind itself, and it didn't budge or move because its thorns and leaves had locked on to other thorns and leaves.

So there we go, free path. I started walking back, and eventually got to the large pond again. I figured out how she was able to get across it so easily, once I got through the pond, I actually kept on looking for more sticks and kept adding them there, so that the way back would be easier. These were completely dry since I hadn't stepped on them yet, but when I got back, nice, I saw that the path was used and some of them were wet. Of course it could just have been me mistaking some old sticks for new ones. I still felt good that my little bridge here was at least used by someone else besides me.

Then I ran back, I jogged. I had pretty much limitless energy. It was super easy. I hadn't exercised in a while, although I guess I did on Friday and Saturday night. Today it was super easy. Normally this path would have tired me out, but I ran through it all the way back home without any problems. I could have probably ran for another two hours it felt like.

8:30 PM

I accidentally fell asleep last night at 4 AM, the time just flew by, and I wasn't even sleepy. Before I knew it, it was already 4 AM and I had work in a couple of hours. I fell asleep, and my parents woke me up around 7 AM, telling me it was time to get ready for work since they were headed out. I told them yeah sure, and heard them as they left and closed the door behind them. I didn't even get up nor did I open my eyes, I kept my eyes closed and went back to sleep, expecting to wake up just a few minutes later around 7:30 AM.

Well, somehow unsurprisingly I was asleep until nearly 9 AM, and I nearly had a heart attack looking at the time. I then proceeded to set my own personal record of the fastest time it took me to get ready for work, which was just around 10 minutes. I did this as fast as I could, I woke up, panicked, then I took a one second shower, I literally went in there, just got my hair wet, and went out right away. I dried myself, changed clothes, and put my laptop back in my bag, then headed out. That's all I did, that took 10 freaking minutes.

Some people say it takes them 5 minutes to get ready for anything, but I call BS on that. It took me 10 minutes rushing as fast as I could, anyone who says it just takes them 5 minutes has got to be exaggerating. I could take 5 minutes as well, if all I did was wake up, change clothes, and then headed out the door. But I also had to brush my teeth, I had to drink some water, I had to put on contacts, I had to pick out what clothes to wear. It's not like I took a lot of time doing these activities either, I rushed and did them as fast as I could, but it still took me surprisingly 10 minutes for everything. I spent as little time as possible trying to do them, and it still took 10 minutes.

It's weird how I can be calm at 7:30 AM, waking up at that time, taking a 10 minute shower, and taking the longest time to change clothes and brush my teeth, and I'd get ready in time without any rushing. Today I rush, and it took forever.

I don't even remember much of what happened at work today. It all went by so fast, like, instantaneously. I got some tasks to work on for the project finally, and I worked on that a little today. Before that I was following a tutorial on how to make this dating site, not that I specifically just wanted to make a dating site, but for the technologies I had to learn and use at work, this was the best tutorial around as I could learn everything I needed to by making this site.

And I did, I learned a lot. I always thought that web masters who had database access could just suddenly look through the tables and see everyone's usernames and passwords right along side them. Well, that might have been true for very amateurish databases or websites, but this tutorial wanted us to encrypt the passwords, so I learned how to use SHA-512 encoding to generate a password key known as a 'Password Salt' that would serve as the hash to scramble the password with. Not only would the password salt be encrypted though, but the password itself as well.

I mean, the password salt is there so that if two people came up with the same password, for example 'Password', then the encryption hash wouldn't look identical. If two people came up with the same password, because of the randomly generated salt, the resulting hash would be different. And when you browse a database this way, all you see are encrypted hashes that make up the users' passwords. But technically I could write a function to access that password in case I really wanted to see it, but it would have to literally be for an individual case as doing it for everyone would compromise database safety, and it would be annoying to write that function anyway, so it's better not to.

So there's not really any point in being afraid about webmasters viewing your passwords, as any decent one would have them encrypted in the first place so that no one, not even the people working for that company/website, could view it. That was such a complicated process though on encrypting and decrypting that so many steps could have been skipped if we literally just accepted a straight up string for a password instead of a byte array, and then it would have been so easy to browse through. I respect the process though and I learned a lot from it.

Afterwards hmm... Oh yeah, I started working on the login process and decrypting the password per matched user. It was again, more tedious to do than just verifying a regular string, but it was a lot more secure, it made more sense. I learned about asynchronous threading from a previous lesson, and it was very easy to implement, just adding literally a word here and there, super easy.

What else did I learn? Just today? Hmm. I have to write another 2500 words before the day is over so that today can be a 'complete' day, according to me. Do I need to write 2500 words? Not really, but it's something that I want to do, and I quite enjoy doing it. This is a lot of fun for me actually, just writing about anything that comes to mind. Tonight I still plan on walking outside, uploading my previous journal entries, and uploading at least 21 Photos to IG. I'm going to have to explain my absence for so long, and I'll just briefly describe it as a lot of my photos becoming corrupted (it's true though, I've lost a lot of photos).

I think that's all I learned today. I learned just basically about basic password encrypting and decrypting. There were some other lessons I went through as well today, but I don't remember them right now. if I looked back at my history of what parts I've gone through then I can name them. Let me do that.

Oh yeah, derp. I learned possibly the most important lesson today, which was on how to access the backend database using the front-end system. I basically made a SQLite server and learned how to host a backend and how to access data from that backend using Angular. I've already actually known how to host a backend, I just didn't know how to access it from Angular, and the method was so obvious that I think I would've figured it out on my own eventually.

Basically you have the backend server running on a certain port, if it's local, and then you do a HTTP Get request using Angular to access that information. Let me check the exact code. Ugh that was it? Pathetically easy. It's just three lines, the last line are the closing brackets. I still do not remember that from the top of my head though, so I would have to look at that if I wanted to implement it myself on my own. I still understand the gist of it though. Very easy, very obvious I think.

I wonder how that would work when you decide to host it online though? Like, hosting a server online would mean you don't have that same kind of port anymore, right? I wonder if anything changes during that process, because something has to change. There's no way this is just how to access your backend, right? It seems kinda like a loop, you host your own website on your server, and then you do an HTTP request to yourself? Seems odd to me, but now that I explained it in that way, I can see how that works. Ah, yeah. That makes sense.

I mean the tutorial had us making an API, which whoa, I actually knew everything about that part. Like, pretty much the first 20 or so videos I was able to just do myself from scratch, without any guidance at all, from memory. I'd already known about it coming in, but wow, I didn't know how easy making an API was. It's basically making an MVC website, but without the view, just Models and Controllers, and that's an API. Yeah, it can basically be defined that way, as it's the same exact method, just no view, the view is handled by the front end framework.

If I'm going to be using AngularJS on my website, I don't think I'm going to be using Routing, nor do I think I am going to be using any dynamically loaded pages, if I were to use AngularJS for anything, it would just be for a superior library to JQuery. AngularJS is basically JQuery, but way way better and much more functional. I was able to make Tic Tac Toe and MineSweeper (and have confidence that I could make pretty much anything else with it), pretty easily because of how intuitive AngularJS felt, but JQuery, I know it, but the best thing I've done with it was this crappy website copy of JSFiddle.

So in terms of whichever one I think is way better, I like AngularJS a lot more. And also I love how you can just plug in these components into any HTML and as long as the parent had the 'ng-app' derivative, the component would run as if it were a copy/pasted flash script. It's amazing.

So then throughout the rest of the day I just continued to work. Then at around 5 PM I decided to pick up my mom, I left my computer and everything else on my desk, because I wanted to come back and continue working until around 6 PM before I would go home. Mainly because I came in late that day, I came in after 9 AM, and my hours were supposed to be from 8 to 5, so to make up an hour, I wanted to stay from 9 through 6.

On the drive to pick up my mom, I had this thought about Obs again and it's been over a year since we last messaged each other. Man it has been a long time since I read any of her entries, so I went online again and found them. There were so many new updates and things in her life, but no recent entries for over a month. I kinda felt sad and depressed, like, what caused you to stop writing?

I was pretty happy to find that things were going so well for her, but more on that later after I pick up my mom and finish work. So I picked up my mom from work, and then told her I was going back to work because I woke up late. She got super angry at me and I had to explain what happened exactly, and that I think it's okay because the access card would allow me in until 8 PM. So, I dropped her off, and then drove back to the office.

I couldn't help but think about Obs again on the drive, man it's been a long time. I actually thought about messaging her again. Then I parked in front of the office, and 'For What It's Worth' came up on the radio. Such a freaking nostalgic song, it started playing right as I was starting to park, the parking lot was nearly empty at work with basically everyone gone, and it was just me, and the darkening sky. I had a lonely walk to the building, with the tune of Buffalo Springfield's 1960s song going through my head, it accompanied me through my entire presence in the office, and on the drive back home.

There was some other song that came up, but I turned the radio off since I didn't want to hear anything else. I parked in the parking lot and started to browse through her entries again, still in disbelief about having no entries in a month. I always believed that she'd always be writing, no matter what, and that sometime in the future I could always just come back and post a comment to start a conversation again, but she wasn't there anymore. I couldn't make contact anymore.

Tears welled up in my eyes, the nostalgic song helped a lot in that regard too. It didn't help that it was sunset, and the sky was getting darker, and it was so nice yet empty outside, no signs of life, just buildings and cars (well, grass, and trees, and birds too). But it felt quiet and isolated. I was tearing up from the memories and the lost friend, when I got back to my room, I looked at the last email thread we had and I read through it all. wow, our conversation sounded intelligible, though at the time I felt stupid.

Yeah what she said about me made so much sense, I was an arrogant and rude person. No one would ever want to be around me. That's why I don't even have any friends. I read through those emails and some of her more recent entries, then her not writing anything for over a month came to mind again, and I couldn't help but start crying. I lied down on the ground and put a pillow above my head and just weeped silently.

I was getting old. From her entries, she was already much further ahead than I ever was. She's a lot better than me today. She's already making apps at 17 and already painting a lot of art and has an online store? I felt like I hadn't done anything with my life. Honestly we might even graduate college at the same time. Well actually at her age though that's when I probably had many tens of thousands of visitors coming to my own site, this very website, and I'd done my own individual things before that.

So, maybe. Hmm. I just don't consider any of my 'achievements' to be achievements. I think I'm a total failure because I've lost it all; All the skill, all the knowledge, all the resources, all the time, all the youth. I mean what have I really done with my life? By age 24, I'd imagine I'd already have done so much by now, but I've done absolutely nothing.

So I've contemplated on sending her another message, just something basic, and I'd encourage her to keep on writing as well, but I felt frightened. Her own email she sent to me said she wanted to stop talking, but she still wanted to keep in contact? That didn't really make sense to me, but I just went on with my life. I'm still not sure whether or not I should send her a message, I think she should definitely continue with her journal entries, but I don't know if she wants to hear that from me. I don't even know if her email still works or what other ways to contact her, those journal entries were probably the best way, but again no new posts in a month. It sort of feels like she's just gone, and she has been gone for over a year, but I never felt its true impact until today.

Looking back at it all now, the past 5-6 years of my life have been about nothing. 2015 was amazing, but other than that, my life has been overall mediocre. I spend way too much time watching videos and anime. I'd watch them at 2x speeds so I'd be able to get through probably an entire anime series of 13 episodes, in a single night, and I've done that several times. Where has my life gone? Where has the time gone?

I definitely did some web page development today, but how many hours total? I just sat in my desk doing nothing but web page development the entire time I was at work, and that's probably how the time flew by so quickly, but ah. The feels. I feel lonely and I miss having someone to talk to. This journal is my world, and it doesn't talk back. It's a telephone with a broken speaker, I can talk through the microphone but it's impossible for me to hear anything come out of it.

Life is so freaking short. Don't regret this, don't regret that, I've known that since I was a freshman in high school yet I still regret all the things I never did. There were too many things I never did. I don't even remember 90% of my experience throughout high school, I just remember the good and memorable, distinguishing times. I was the co-captain of the science Olympiad team in my senior year, but the teacher hosting that club thought I was the captain, so I'd always be called that haha, I remember those field trips and crazy contraptions and schools and places we'd visit and the people we'd meet. I remember being a boy scout and the journey to becoming an eagle in 2-3 years since I joined really late at age 15, I remember all those freaking camping trips, went to one every single month, they were all so fun.

What happened to all my friends man? They're all freaking gone. I don't have a Facebook so I don't keep in touch with them. I'm only in touch with like maybe 5 friends total through my cell phone, and we only hang out scarcely. I don't want to hang out all that much anyway. But it's a Catch-22, I feel lonely and isolated, but at the same time I don't really want to hang out with anyone. It's quite the emotional conflict.

I just have 3300 more words to go, and after this I'll go outside. I'll try and upload this entry first though before heading out, just in case I die outside. I remember I gave two of my online friends my will back in late 2015 or early 2016, because I was afraid I would die on the drive back home. I told them if I didn't make it back home, they have my will. I don't even know what I said. But I know I would give everything to my parents, I don't have anyone else to give my things to. Things don't matter in the end anyway, I've had quite a number of near death situations, and I always felt like I didn't spend enough of all my money.

There's no possessions coming with you when you're dead. None. There's no point to any items. I'm not a minimalist, I have a ton of random things and random possessions, nor do I throw many things away, it's just that I don't see a point to having most items when there's not a use for them most of the time. Like I have three Blackwing pencils that I bought for I think $9 total, and I know the gear doesn't make you the better player, so even if you have the best pencil or the best guitar, it doesn't mean you'll be good at drawing or playing a guitar, a real expert could draw with the cheapest pencil or play the cheapest guitar more masterfully than a person with the most expensive gear.

But I bought it for no reason. It's just there. I think I thought these pencils were fascinating and I wanted to buy one just to hold it, but yeah, it wasn't more than I expected. They're just pencils, although the eraser tip is shaped like a square, instead of a cylinder. That's the main difference between this kind of pencil and a regular one, oh and it's black. Big deal. Who cares?

Well that's 5000 words from me today. I didn't spend this entire time typing. I stood up a few times, I listened to songs a few times, and again there was the pauses for my thinking and typos and so on, so yeah. That's pretty much it. I'm going to now work on uploading these entries to my website before heading outside to walk 10,000 steps.

Why 10,000? Just because. It's pretty much an arbitrary number, but it's an even and 'rational' arbitrary number, it just makes sense somehow.

11:57 PM

Geez it took me 2 minutes to sign up for classes. It must be because I've done it so many times already, but for the next term I signed up for Software Engineering 2 and Communications and Networking 1. This is what I signed up for last term, but I failed badly in both classes (they were SUPER HARD). So I'm trying it again. I need to schedule my time so much better than before if I want to pass.

I have to drop off my mom tomorrow so I'm going to sleep soon. Today was a good day, better than yesterday I think, although not perfect.

Tasks Today
Upload 21 photos (7 day's worth)
Upload Previous Day's Entries
Work on Time Log program

Visit the Backlog page

Was today as productive as it could have been? No
Did I take over 10,000 steps today? No
Did I program a little today? Yes
Did I eat under 2000 calories today? Yes
Did I write at least 5000 words in my journal today? Yes
Did I take and upload my daily photos for today? No
Did I upload yesterday's journal entries today? Yes

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting Up Today -12:10 AM

12:10 AM – Writing Journal – 12:40 AM

12:40 AM – Preparing Food 12:45 AM

12:45 AM – Eating Food – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Browsing Internet – 4:00 AM

4:00 AM – Sleep – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Preparing for Work – 8:56 PM

8:56 PM – Driving – 9:06 AM

9:06 AM – Working – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 5:40 PM

5:40 PM – Working – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Driving – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Browsing Internet – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Writing Journal – 9:55 PM

9:55 PM – Uploading Previous Day's Entries – 10:30 PM

10:30 PM – Recording Times – 10:35 PM

10:35 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 10:45 PM

10:45 PM – Walking Outside – 11:22 PM

11:22 PM – Uploading Photos – 11:55 PM

11:55 PM – Signing Up for Classes – 11:57 PM

11:57 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (12:44)
Setting Up Today (0:10)
Writing Journal (1:57)
Working (8:15)
Uploading Previous Day's Entries (0:35)
Recording Times (0:05)
Walking Outside (0:37)
Uploading Photos (0:33)
Signing up for Classes (0:02)

Neutral Hours (6:35)
Preparing Food (0:05)
Eating Food (0:15)
Sleep (4:45)
Preparing for Work (0:11)
Driving (1:09)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:10)

Unproductive Hours (5:10)
Browsing Internet (5:10)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 186
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 34
Game Development: 4