Monday, May 14th 2018

9:32 PM

Whew. Today was a good day. I learned a lot at work today doing a lot of studying and web development. I'll count that as at least 8 hours of web development today, most likely more since I didn't even take any lunch breaks.

I feel like I ate too much food tonight though, I ate three plates of rice and three avocadoes, and I ate a small plate of peanut butter, and a small plate of potato chips. All in the span of around 3 hours. So I ate a lot, I think. I also ate beans and quinoa with all of that, and didn't drink a single drop of water. So yeah, I think I ate a lot. My stomach feels full.

Throughout the day though I was sleepy and hungry, sleepy because I didn't get that much sleep last night, and hungry because I didn't eat any breakfast before leaving. Tomorrow is a pasta potlock, but I doubt I'm going to be able to bring anything. We'll see though. I just want to prepare some pasta with some tomato sauce, that's all. I think we have some available pasta here, so I would just have to heat it up.

Anyway, today was pretty insane. Once we got back home, my mom and I received a weather alert that there was a tornado warning in the area. We looked outside and the skies were dark for the time in one direction, and then very light in the other direction. It was so scary. So I asked her if she wanted to go elsewhere. We ended up leaving home (after I ate two plates of rice, beans, and two avocadoes and a plate of peanut butter), and there was a neighbor girl outside who was also very scared and she came up to us asking where we were going and what our plan was, and said she wanted to come with us.

Well okay, I thought. I thought she was going to come with us as I placed my backpack in the car, but then she decided to go with another neighbor who was going to a shelter. We didn't even know there was a shelter, but yeah, a lot of my neighbors were also afraid of what was going on. It was so dark outside, there wasn't much wind, but the news kept blowing it out of proportion (or maybe not) about how serious this storm was.

It was so scary. My mom and I came up with a plan to go to this place that had an underground parking garage where we could stay under until the weather blew away, but as we were headed there, throughout our turns and such, I wouldn't have expected this to be the direction of the storm, but we ran right into it. There was a clear division of where the storm was and where it wasn't, just by looking at the sky you could see one side was black the other was light (not morning light, but cloudy and afternoon orange-ish light). I thought the direction I was going would be away from the darkness, but it the turns and such were so deceiving, at first we were headed directly away from the storm, but then it eventually ended up facing it directly.

I mean I know my directions, I knew where I was going, and I have a general sense of the area and what an eagle eye view of it would look like. It honestly felt like I was going directly away from it, like imagine you're in a hallway, one direction is the exit, the other is fire, I mean it's very obvious where to go, just go in that straight line, which is what it felt like I was doing, but the road did curve a few times and even though I never made any turns, the curves eventually put me right back into facing the storm. Wild.

Like you felt it right away as soon as you crossed that threshold, as the windshield started to get rained upon and you saw the trees getting pushed around with wind gusts, and you heard it and saw the dark skies and dark area around you as well. It was so obvious. As soon as that happened, I turned the car around and started to get away, as there was no one else even close to us. No one. There used to be a huge traffic of people all of a sudden no one, so I was afraid, and I turned around.

And we eventually kept coming up of ideas of where to go, and we settled on going to my dad's workplace. He was so oblivious as what was even happening outside as he didn't look outside that often and there was only a few windows in his entire workplace and that was only on one side of the building. So yeah he was completely oblivious to it, while everyone else outside was panicking. I put the car into sports mode and flew up this hill up to speed limit but everyone around me was going the same speed, like how? A few people even got away and ended up way ahead of me, which I drive on eco all the time and never try to speed up that fast, but then I try, and I thought I'd be faster than everyone, but I wasn't.

So we end up at my dad's workplace, and I park the car and start walking toward the building, and that's when it starts pouring so I had to run to get out of the rain and get inside the building. It didn't even start pouring until I got outside and was halfway through the parking lot. Anyway, I bought two shirts there and left at around 7 PM when the storm died down, and we got back home, and now I'm here.

I browsed the Internet for a while and generally wasted my time. There was also a mood I got into where I just felt like writing a poem for some reason. Where did this idea come from? It literally burst out of nowhere, and I couldn't help myself but start writing things down... Seriously, I have no idea where this came from or why, why poetry? Why out of nowhere? But yeah, I did it. out of freaking nowhere. It's not like I've done this ever before, I've probably done this a handful of times total since I wrote my journals, and I don't think I posted any entries here.

But yeah, this overwhelming urge to write poetry just filled me. Out of nowhere. It came out of nowhere. Here's the poem I came up with, I call it "Grab On".

Grab On
By: Megg Gawat

I try to grab on
to the time that goes on
As it slithers away
To another today

Both my hands clenched on tight
As I use up all my might
I want it to veer
To where I steer

Yet it wiggles and shakes
And wriggles and snakes
It glides and slides forward
Until we speak our last word

What will it be?
What will we see?
It won't matter anyway
Nothing matters on our last day

We will instantly forget
The last moment we get
The last time we're here
The last time we can hear

Yet time slithers passed this
Our entire existence not even a hiss
My life, I thought, it had just begun
But it was instantaneous, all I have done

This realization that it's all racing by fast
Prevents me from dwelling too much on the past
I'm jolted back to where I am today
Trying to stop time from getting away

Every second, every moment, every day disappears
But in this present moment everything feels clear
The present is here and it feels great
I can only hope that I'm not too late

To live the life that I still want to live
To do what I can and to give what I'd give
I am here, I am now
I exist, somehow

So I will live on until my end
Time is life that you spend

I actually really like this poem. Maybe not the last line. I couldn't come up with something that rhymes with "End". I just changed the last line. It sucked so badly before. Now it gives a better closure, like, "oh wow what does that mean?" even I don't know. It could be interpreted as anything. Yet it does mean something. That's the beauty of it.

Man. As I wrote this, I imagined people like Robert Frost who wrote very famous poems like the Road Less Traveled and I imagined them writing their poetry. They never expected it that their poetry would be read and analyzed by high school students however many decades later. Man I just looked it up and his poem is actually called "The Road Not Taken" but I'm not fixing my mistake.

I don't think my poem is good enough to be read by high school students in later centuries, but I do think it's good. I like it. it's profound, it's about life, it's about time, it's about something everyone can relate to. I relate to it. And again, this poem basically sprung out of nowhere. I didn't wake up today expecting to write this, but here it is. Just out of freaking nowhere, out of the blue, seriously. I like planning my days and knowing what I'm doing, but I did not plan this at all, not at all. It just came, where from? I have no idea, it just arrived out of nowhere.

Wait what the fuck. One of the top 10 largest graveyards in the world is within driving distance....?!?! WHAT?!! That's insane... It's actually around an hour away, but wow. I feel like going. I guess I just like visiting graves. I mean it's creepy and eerie, but haunting and it makes me realize how short my life is.

I mean seriously, just a few years ago I was a kid, a boy, a young teen. You know at the time, I felt young. I was young. At one point in time, we all go through a phase where we're the youngest person ever, at the time. It doesn't last that long, but for that brief millisecond or however long, we were the youngest person in the world. I mean. It's class of 2020 now. Kids are graduating high school in the class of 2020. I was in the class of 2012. Back in 2012, when I was graduating, we felt like we were so young and were just beginning taking on the world. And then the world went by, and we're a lot older.

A lot of us are getting married. Having kids. Starting careers, developing careers, etc. We're all going through this aging phase where we become different, mature, adult, people. Man. Back then the world felt conquerable, because I had so much time. Now it's like, I don't have enough time or money or resources to do what I want to, no matter what I try or what I do. But it's still technically early today. The world is technically conquerable, even today. It's early, it's 2018.

But at one point, even 2014 was a long ways away, but now 2014 is long gone history. It's history. 2014 was a long time ago, a moment we can never get to. You know, 2020 and 2030 seem like long ways away. From my standpoint, I can definitely see why people from the 1980s for example, imagined that we would be having flying cars and other super high tech technologies within 30 years, because the future always feels far away. It feels like it's so far away, it's going to take forever to get here. But then it gets here, much much earlier than ever anticipated, and no one can anticipate it early enough, not even me, and I think about it all the time.

I don't want to eventually identify myself as a 40 year old. I mean, shit. 40 years old. Fuck. Turning 40 years old, man. Man. Sigh. 40 fucking years old. What. The. Fuck. Honestly, I can already imagine turning 40. It's not much different from turning 25, except that it's 15 years older. It will not be fun. Turning 40 is not fun. I feel depressed thinking about it already.

Anyway, I'm going to change clothes and walk outside tonight. I want to walk every day, and get at least a little bit of exercising in.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Exercise (At Least Walk Outside)
Upload Today's Photos
Work on a Backlog Task

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 5331
Lines of Code: 100+
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 2117
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Timing Out – 12:05 AM

12:05 AM – Studying AngularJS – 12:30 AM

12:30 AM – Sleep – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:53 AM

7:53 AM – Driving – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Working – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 5:40 PM

5:40 PM – Eating Food – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Surviving – 7:00 PM

7:00 PM – Wasting Time – 9:32 PM

9:32 PM – Writing Journal – 10:23 PM

10:23 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 10:40 PM

10:40 PM – Walking Outside – 11:15 PM

11:15 PM – Browsing Internet – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (10:45)
Timing Out (0:05)
Studying AngularJS (0:25)
Working (8:51)
Writing Journal (0:49)
Walking Outside (0:35)

Neutral Hours (9:56)
Sleep (6:00)
Preparing for Work (1:23)
Driving (0:58)
Eating Food (0:20)
Surviving (1:00)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:17)

Unproductive Hours (3:16)
Wasting Time (2:32)
Browsing Internet (0:44)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 150
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 27
Game Development: 4