Thursday, April 26th 2018

12:06 AM

I am so tired and sleepy. I blame it on myself for running several miles today, I ran for nearly an hour (56 minutes) outside today, on my second day exercising in more than a week (and the last exercise I did, I think I just walked). So yeah, I kind of pushed myself to the limits today. I also did an activity I don't like mentioning here, at least twice. So my stamina has been super drained all day.

I am tired to say the least, my body is sore. Worst of all though is that I'm taking two college courses at the moment, and I had been procrastinating all week. I haven't studied any of the assigned material, and today I had a bunch of assignments due, including two papers (one for each course) that had to be two pages long each and it they were formal papers so they had to have a cover page, abstract, and citations, and I had to do two of these for these two separate classes.

I had no idea what the material even is anymore. This is the first in a very long time. I'm taking Communications and Networking II and Software Engineering II, the first weeks were easy as they were a review of the previous material from the first classes, but the second week had all new material I didn't know about, so I couldn't just answer the questions from memory with a close answer. I mean I don't know any of the things that they are talking about right now in class. I am considering dropping one of my two classes, and I still have until the first week of next month to decide if I will or not.

Basically I'll get a 0 on everything for this entire week. It's not good at all, I still have to do calculations on how much this will affect my grades, but I have done this in the past with other courses and it's not such a huge hit. I can probably miss 2 weeks in total in still get a C if I get like a B or an A on every assignment afterwards. In short, it shouldn't be the end of the world, but I still have to do the calculations, because it may still leave a huge dent.

Technically I can still answer some questions right now, I have around 50 minutes left before the assignment submission windows end. I guess I can send in like, a one or two sentence thing... that would count as more than a 0 basically. Yeah, I'll attempt something like that, even though I don't know the material fully. It's better than nothing.

8:36 AM

After doing a little bit of the assignments, I basically wrote like four or five paragraphs in total for both classes, I was so freaking tired I could not do anything but fall asleep. My eyelids were very heavy and I had trouble keeping them open. On top of that, my body felt sore and tired, and barely wanted to move at all. I would have stayed up another 9 minutes if I could have (that would have been the closing window for the assignments) but I couldn't. it was physically very hard (nearly impossible) for me to have stayed up.

It's just like that feeling of having to go to the bathroom. You can hold it in, but there's this very strong urge for you to go to the bathroom instead.

8:45 AM

Anyway, I think I ate too much food yesterday. I did run for an hour, but I did eat too much food, after I agreed basically not to eat anything else after lunch. Man. I'm just trying to keep my weight in check. Today I'm going to exercise again for sure, and try to run the same amount as yesterday since I ran quite a lot yesterday. Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm ready to beat the distance I ran yesterday, but I can probably beat the time that I run through it if I run at a consistently faster pace than yesterday. That I can do.

So for now I'm going to clean up my room, then prepare some food, then eat some food. I'll think about what I really want to do with my life afterwards and create an extended backlog page.

8:54 AM

Weird, my body still feels sore from yesterday. It's as if I feel like I have lost a lot of weight or feel a lot thinner and healthier, and that's not necessarily the case because I can look at a mirror and see that I am still the same as yesterday. It's very weird. I do feel thinner, lighter, faster, but I'm not. Anyway, time to prepare some food.

10:17 AM

Oh no. My left knee sort of hurts. I mean it doesn't hurt when I'm just sitting down, but when I put pressure on it like when I'm walking, then I can feel a slight alert from it. it's not really pain, since it doesn't hurt, it's more like "watch out, I am injured" or something like that.

Eh. We'll see what happens. I'm going to go out for a walk, and put a little bit of running in there. I'm going to run as much as I can, but if it turns out the pain is too much to bare, then I will just be walking.

12:39 PM

Whew. I am tired. Maybe I'm not tired, just lazy. So I need to get back to work. I realized I've learned all that I needed to, I've known everything I ever needed to learn and have known it for a while now. I just need to take steps, I need to take actions, every day, at every moment whenever I can, to reach the destination that I want to reach. I don't know how long it is going to take, but I will get there.

I will struggle. I seek it.

7:53 PM

Well I found the common denominator for me slacking off, and it's doing basically the activity that I don't like writing about. I did it twice again today and I am so ashamed of it. I don't think there's been a single day where I didn't do it, that I can recall for basically the entire month. Well today is it. That was it. I'm no longer going to do it ever again.

8:11 PM

Today I also went outside for a drive, I went by to a local bike trail that I used to go down when I was in high school all the time. I went down that trail so freaking often, and the place I drove to was one of the farthest areas away that I've ever reached from the starting location of my old neighborhood. Basically it's many miles away from where I used to live when I was in high school, but it's very close to where I live today.

There's multiple starting areas for the trail as the trail spans several miles, the starting area I went to is what I considered very far away back then. Now this starting area is very close, and if I bicycled all the way to the old starting area, that one would be very far away. It's weird how that happens. Your entire being can be one way this one day, and then completely changed the next. You just don't know when it's going to happen, and everything is temporary.

On the way to the trail starting area, I drove by that same graveyard I visited last time. Everyone there is dead. It's kind of depressing no one really talks about it, and that this myth of our perpetual reality exists. I mentioned it before, but I wish that ghosts were real, that way at least I can be calm knowing there's an afterlife. If there were such a thing such as poltergeists or ghosts or undead beings, then the discovery would be the most optimistic news in mankind's history, because then most of the questions about afterlife and death would be answered.

I'm typing this in a very dark room right now, with basically no source of light besides my laptop monitor and my glowing computer mouse. It's dark in my room, it's dark outside. This would be the perfect setting for a night of horrors, but I am unafraid. There's nothing scary or frightening about the dark, only that we can't fully see what's in it. If we know what's in the dark though, what is there to fear? I know I'm in my room, I know under my bed there's just the carpet and maybe books or other things stuffed down there. I know in my closet there's just a bunch of clothes and boxes and backpacks and other things. No ghosts, no monsters, no undead, no vampires, no werewolves, no boogiemen, no myths.

There's nothing here that terrifies me. I feel exceptionally calm and peaceful. I'm enjoying my existence right now, I love every moment that I'm living. Just being alive is a feeling of ecstasy. I will never be here again.

Oh, yeah. That quote from the movie Troy. "I'll tell you a secret, the gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment can be our last. You will never be lovelier than you are now, we will never be here again." I typed that up from memory, and I don't know if it's accurate. I remember typing that up back in 2015 from a typing website, and that quote really inspired me to do something. I don't want to write about that now though, it's kind of embarrassing.

It is true though, every moment fades. I can look back at almost any journal entry and remember and reminisce writing it, be transported back in time to that moment when I was doing X activity on Y day and Z also happened that same day. I can remember it all, but I can never go back. For any kind of memory that I have actually, not just my journal entry memories, but every memory even ones I haven't written about, I can think about, and relive again and again, and again. I want to change the outcomes sometimes, but I know I can't. it's futile no matter how much I try.

You know, every present moment I've ever experienced, I always thought that was the present. I remember when it was 2008, that used to be the latest and greatest year. Living in 2008, everything at the time was so modern, so new, so revolutionary. People were the best they've ever been, the newest books had been published, the latest movies were created, and so on and so forth. It was the best. I can compare that to today, where today feels like the latest and greatest. Oh, 2018! Its' the newest year! This is the year!

It's the latest and greatest year! 2018! No other year before this can match it, all those old phone models from 2017? Those are old now! All those books from 2017? Old school news! This is the new stuff we're talking about here! 2018 is the newest year!

And from my current perspective, this is the year. The year. This is the present. Right now. Today, in fact. No other day. Today, right now, this moment, is the present. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or the next month or the next, I can't even fathom those months just yet. They feel so far away. 2019 feels so far away. I'm not joking. It feels like, a very long time from now. 2019? It sounds like I can accomplish anything that I can imagine, by then. 2019 is a far away place. So far away it's hard to even imagine.

But it will be here before I realize it, and it will be gone before I realize it, and 2019 will just be the past again. 2019 will be like, 10 years ago, even though right now, it's 1 year in the future. The same thing happened to 2008. Back in 2007, 2008 felt so far away, like it would never arrive, and when it did, it would change the world. Now 2008 is ten years ago. It was ten years ago.

I'm about to turn 30 in a few years. In less than six years. How messed up is that? I never asked for this. I never wanted to turn 30, and yet here I am, being pushed along, to the 30 year old transformation machine. No matter what I try, no matter what I do, I'll eventually reach it if I live long enough. I want to live long enough to reach it, at the same time, I kind of never want to reach it. Isn't that paradoxical? I want to live to reach my 30s, but at the same time, I don't want to be 30 years old at all.

My room has gotten even darker. I turned my laptop brightness down to its minimum and it's so dark that it makes my laptop look extremely bright, even though when I started typing the lowest brightness setting looked dim. Where are the ghosts? Where are the haunted creatures? Nowhere to be found. None of it is real.

We're just here for this temporary moment, and then gone and dead the next. What does anything matter, really? There was this gym I used to work out in, attached to the building of my old workplace. I used to go there at midnight sometimes, back in 2015 and 2016, and I used to workout there for like an hour or two on the ellipticals, singing a song. I used to sing and shout as loud as I could in that gym, because no one else came by at night. It was so private, and it was so luxurious and free. I loved it.

I sang so much in that gym. I shouted. I yelled. I might still have pictures of it somewhere. The building was demolished sometime in either late January, or sometime in February or March or even April. I have no idea when it was demolished, but I went back to my workplace earlier this month and yeah the entire building for the gym was torn down.

I still have memories of my first time going there. I walked up to this peaceful gym connected to this, I think it was FedEx, store and at first I had no idea how to get in. I did see the door to getting in, but I would scan my keycard and it wouldn't open. It would beep, blink red lights, and stay locked. Weird. I remember going into the FedEx to ask about the entrance to the gym, and one of the workers there lead me to the same door I just tried going in through (I thought there was another way through the FedEx store). I remember seeing the people inside working out through the very large glass windows and none of them let me in. This was in 2014.

Holy cow, that was so long ago. But yeah, those memories feel so present, like they're happening today, like they're happening right now, but they're not. Why was I so afraid of anything back then? It's not that I was 'afraid' of anything, just that I didn't take any risks. This is one of the most common regrets of the dead and dying, is that they didn't take enough risks in life.

Like, what kind of risks? Transferring that feeling of the past, to today, and viewing today as if today were "a long time ago", what kind of risks can I take today that would satisfy my future self? It's not so obvious if I try to think about it now, but I guess also that there's really nothing to fear. There's nothing I should take seriously today, because today is the past anyway.

In fact, if I really want to satisfy my future self, I should go out for a sprint tonight. Just go out and run through the streets as fast as I can and keep it up for as long as I can. That's pretty much the only thing I can think of that I get the feeling of "yeah I should have done more of that, and why didn't I do that?!" sort of thing.

I mean I don't really feel like talking to or hanging out with any of my friends. It doesn't feel productive at all. Maybe it's just because I did that thing twice today and my mood is off. I did get invited to go out tonight, to go to some club or something like that, and I was like no thanks, because I didn't feel like it.

I remember in 2014 as well, I think that was when I had my surgery to get the kidney stone out. Fuck. Those were the fucking days. Honestly, that pain, though I wanted to die rather than continue experiencing it at the time, was really nothing. No, I don't want to experience that now, but if I could go back in time, I would for sure even relive that moment. That was one of the worst and most painful moments in my life, where I literally could not do anything except scream and yell and just burst out in agony, and yet I would relive it again, if I could experience 2014 again. I would. Certainly. Yes. Sign me up. No doubts, no regrets, I got through it just fine (with the help of surgery of course).

Back in 2006, when I was in 7th grade, I thought that I would never want to relive my life again because of the great amount of luck I had to get one of my YouTubes to over 100k views and soared my popularity beyond what I could comprehend. I received more than a thousand emails. I wonder how much letters and emails and other things present celebrities today get, I can't even fathom, that me, who received such a small amount of popularity for one second, received that many messages and that much attention even though I wasn't famous or anything. Even this website of mine at one point received 100k visitors a day, and I thought that was a lot, but man, I can't even fathom sites that receive more than 1 million a day. Fudge.

Yeah, I remember thinking at the time "I don't want to relive my life again, because it took an incredible amount of luck just to get that video viral" I mean I had no control of it, if I had made that video one second later, or if so and so happened, who knows what may have happened instead? Right?

Man. I so do want to go back in time and relive my life again. I would know what to do differently to make my present existence the best it could have possibly been. I say that, but it's futile. Why should I even think such thoughts? What I should think about, is just go. Just go. Just do what I can, do what I must, do it in my own way.

What I noticed for myself, is that I enjoy and I love doing things my own way. It's freaking cool making my own discoveries and solving my own problems in my own way. I feel like I have so much more success doing things my way than if I would follow someone else's "tried and true" methods to success. I don't believe there is such a thing. It changes every day. Moment to moment. A lot of it relies on luck. It's hard to emphasize how much depends on luck, but practically almost all of it.

I enjoyed today. it wasn't super productive, but it was still a good day. It was over way too quickly. Anyway, I might go and take my sprinting idea seriously. I'm going to go outside, I might do something then, I might go back. But I will go outside. I'm enjoying life so much. I have so many ideas, so many ideas that have yet to come to fruition. I don't want to die without letting them all out.

When we die none of it matters anyway, but still. I kind of don't want to miss out this one opportunity that I have to be alive. I think back sometimes on the people who lived in the 1900s, let's say 1918, that was exactly 100 years ago. People then were living similar lives to people today. I mean everything from that era in photos is basically black and white, but everything was in full color for them in what they saw.

They also had similar resources. They had cars. They had photos. They had news sources. They had weapons, I think WWI was still happening back then. It must've felt like "today is the latest and greatest day today" back then too, back in 1918. I think back and imagine myself as an individual living in that era. I'm just some guy in 1918, I live in a house in the city, and there are cars travelling by ever now and then, those "new" model T cars, so fancy and beautiful, and the cities were super crowded and populated.

I see so many people walking around, I see so many stores open, so many jobs available, so many things I could be doing. Everyone is out wearing fedora hats and suits as they walked around. Holy moly, it helps to get a visual look on this. I just looked up some photos of 1918 and there's one with Charlie Chaplin in wall street, some guy is lifting him up, and he's waving his hat at the camera, and most spectacularly of all there's a crowd of tens of thousands of people. Some of those people would have been inevitably born in 1893 (100 years difference to my year of birth 1993), and so in 1918 they were my age.

This is a crowd with tens of thousands of people. Everyone there looks so healthy and full of life. I mean the streets are so filled with people that you can see people covering the entrance doors to buildings and you can see people down the streets as far as the eye can see. You can also see some very young children at the front too. There's so many people in this photo. This is the kind of life I imagine 1918 having. It was so full of life, so full of glory and wonder.

However, however. It can be stated nearly to a guarantee, that every single person in that photo is dead today. Even the kids in that photo, who look like they're already at least 10 or 11 years old, are already dead today. There's like 5 males total above the age of 110, I think, and I doubt any of these kids in the photo are them. Everyone else looks older, mostly in their 30s and 40s and older, but definitely above 15 years old at least. They are all fucking dead now. Every single freaking person in that freaking photo is freaking dead.

Yet at one point that was the present. At one point in time, that moment, was the present moment. It was the moment. There was no other moment in the future, at the time. Just like how 2019 doesn't even exist to me today, heck, April 27th 2018 doesn't even exist to me today. Just like how any future moment doesn't exist in comparison to the present moment, if you go out to an even further future than that, the original future moment would then be the past moment in hindsight. That's it.

I kind of want to cry. I kind of want to die. I remember when I was 15 years old, that was such a young age. People born in 1993 were so young at the time, in comparison to basically everyone else alive in the world. Now people born in 1993 are a little older, they're no longer the young babies. Every single generation goes through that phase where at one point they're the youngest of the youngest people, but then they'll eventually be the oldest of the oldest people. It happens. It fucking happens. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm going outside. I have to think. I have to. I have to live my life to the fullest. No regrets, no regrets. I'm here one time. That's it. Just this present moment, just today. I'll only have today. No regrets, no fear, just now. Just. Now. Here is what I have. Here is what I am. I am today. I've finally become myself.

9:32 PM

Oh yeah, it is 2018 today. This is the past. I can feel it.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos
Create weekly plan, monthly plan, yearly plan (up to next year)

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Web App
Create Long Term Plan for my Life

Steps Taken: 11719
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 4188
Drawings: 1

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Writing Journal – 12:16 AM

12:16 AM – Communications and Networking Course – 12:27 AM

12:27 AM – Software Engineering Course – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Sleep – 8:36 AM

8:36 AM – Writing Journal – 8:38 AM

8:38 AM – Bathroom – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Writing Journal – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:54 AM

8:54 AM – Writing Journal – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Preparing Food – 9:01 AM

9:01 AM – Eating Food – 9:07 AM

9:07 AM – Preparing Food – 9:09 AM

9:09 AM – Eating Food – 9:39 AM

9:39 AM – Browsing Internet – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Preparing to Exercise – 10:17 AM

10:17 AM – Writing Journal – 10:21 AM

10:21 AM – Exercising – 11:37 AM

11:37 AM – Exercise Log – 11:56 AM

11:56 AM – Break – 12:10 PM

12:10 PM – Preparing Food – 12:14 PM

12:14 PM – Eating Food – 12:39 PM

12:39 PM – Writing Journal – 12:41 PM

12:41 PM – Web Developer Course – 12:52 PM

12:52 PM – Distraction – 1:12 PM

1:12 PM – Web Developer Course – 2:36 PM

2:36 PM – Break – 3:04 PM

3:04 PM – Eating Food – 3:30 PM

3:30 PM – Watching Anime – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Nap – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM – Throwing Trash – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 6:02 PM

6:02 PM – Web Developer Course – 6:48 PM

6:48 PM – Driving – 7:12 PM

7:12 PM – Walking Outside – 7:32 PM

7:32 PM – Driving – 7:53 PM

7:53 PM – Writing Journal – 7:58 PM

7:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 8:11 PM

8:11 PM – Writing Journal – 9:22 PM

9:22 PM – Walking Outside – 9:32 PM

9:32 PM – Writing Journal – 9:33 PM

9:33 PM – Browsing Internet – 11:33 PM

11:33 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:08)
Setting Up Today (0:06)
Writing Journal (1:41)
Communications and Networking Course (0:11)
Software Engineering Course (0:19)
Cleaning Up Room (0:04)
Exercising (1:16)
Exercise Log (0:19)
Web Developer Course (2:34)
Throwing Trash (0:20)
Walking Outside (0:31)

Neutral Hours (11:42)
Sleep (8:16)
Bathroom (0:07)
Preparing Food (0:11)
Eating Food (1:25)
Preparing to Exercise (0:03)
Break (0:42)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:12)
Driving (0:45)

Unproductive Hours (4:25)
Browsing Internet (2:35)
Distraction (0:20)
Watching Anime (1:30)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 113
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 23
Game Development: 4