Thursday, April 12th 2018

6:23 AM

Well I just had a talk with my dad. He basically asked me what my plan was and what I was doing with my time. He told me to apply for jobs already, and I told him I'm studying because I don't have any qualifications yet. He went over the fact that he worked many hours a day for a small wage and that I need to get a job in order to support the household, whether it's a fast food restaurant job or what.

I told him a fast food restaurant job wouldn't be a good use of my time and that it was better to study or do something more productive instead. He kept talking about healthcare and how he and I didn't have it and that if either of us got sick we wouldn't be able to pay for it. That's not my fault either. It's not my freaking fault both my parents are struggling financially because they have no idea how to save money by not buying or subscribing to random things they don't even need. For example we could save around $100 a month by cancelling our landline service and television, and if my mom switched to my own phone plan we could be saving around $60 a month. Also if they didn't go to restaurants every fucking weekend or every night they're outside they could save $100+ a month.

It's so fucking annoying, but even after telling them this they argue with me that they are just trying to enjoy their lives. I can't argue back with them, because they won't listen. They won't listen to the fact that cancelling the television won't take much out of their lives, they won't listen that switching my mom's plan wouldn't do anything different either.

Maybe it is time that I apply for a job. I'm going to finish up my portfolio and finally apply. As long as I'm able to work on my own projects on the side and have full claim and rights to it, I'm fine with any job.

9:32 AM

I'm about to leave now. I've transferred some money to my checking account where I can write the check from in order to vest the stock options. I'll only vest less than 1/3rd of all the available stock options available to me because I don't have anymore funds to buy anymore. I don't want to take out a loan either.

So there we go. I admit I am a bit nervous and a little embarrassed to go to that place again, the place where I used to work. Also, parking isn't free so I may have to pay some amount for parking, that sucks. Anyway, time go and visit. I'll just track the time on my phone about what I do and when.

I want this to be over already. If I do get some more funds though, I may come and vest even more options, otherwise the rest will go unexercised. Doesn't matter in the long run anyway.

So anyway, that's basically it. Time to go.

1:36 PM

Alright so I just got back home. I started cooking up some rice, and I just hung out with a friend for a couple of hours. So what happened was that it was pretty plain and typical, I just went over to the workplace, went right inside, and just waited at the front desk, there wasn't anyone who was there to talk to. Then the HR head came by and sat down with me as we talked for a while, I signed a form, wrote and gave her a check, and then she went to make copies. During that time a few former co-workers waved at me or said hi as they walked by, I greeted them back.

There's so many new people over there, holy moly. There were a lot of faces I don't even recognize as I see the company had grown substantially since I was there last time. I was glad to have been greeted again, it made me feel normal and sociable. Then afterwards the HR Head asked me how I was doing, I kind of rehearsed an answer already while taking a shower today, I told her that I left for the Philippines a week after I got fired and two of my relatives died there, she was so saddened, and then I told her about how I picked up drawing and how I started building websites again.

I haven't started looking for full time work yet as I'm still working on my website, but yeah I really need to do that. Like my dad said, I'm missing out on a lot of money by just not working, and freelancing isn't working out that well for me.

Afterwards I drove to my old apartment in the city, I used to walk to work back in the day, it took around an hour to walk to work, but I sang along the way, literally sang out loud as loud as I could on the way to work. I sang songs like That's Life by Frank Sinatra, and Fly Me to The Moon. Sometimes I didn't know the full lyrics of a song, so I would print it out and carry it with me to sing as I walked. I would intentionally sing as loud as I could so that the cars around me could hear me, and there was always traffic so at least two lines of cars were filled up, heading the same way I was. Despite literally yelling as loud as I could at times, enough to have my throat hurt, I was told from a co-worker who saw me looking like I was yelling something, that he rolled his windows down and couldn't hear what I was saying.

After that, I had no fears anymore about singing as loud as I could, and so I sang louder with more courage the next times I walked. Those were some great times in my life. I wish I could go back to those days, those were the days of innocence, the days when I was pretty much on top of the world.

So anyway, I drove back to my apartment and checked it out again. There was a new building being constructed near it. Then I drove past my old high school, and Woody Allen's quote about a button being pressed and a 'refresh' happening every 100 years came to my head, and I thought about that in high school terms as well. Every four years in high school, a button is pressed, and flush goes the toilet, here's a bunch of brand new faces and a new generation filling the scene. Those same freshmen I went to high school with as I was a senior, are already in their 20s now, that's fucking insane! That's insane and unbelievable.

Back when I went to high school I thought we were big shots, that we were the best generation that ever went through high school. That all these people I went to school with, and I knew most people's names, that every strong stereotype of a person we had, that we had the strongest of that stereotype. For example I thought we had the coolest cool kids, the smartest smart kids, the hottest hot girls, etc, and no other school compared. I thought we were so special.

Well that awesome adventure is over now. It's over just as quickly as it began. I still remember my freshmen years. I would have done things so differently if I knew then what I knew now. I would be so different today.

Anyway, so I visited my friend that I met in Boy Scouts nearly 10 years ago, and we hung out at his place for a few minutes. Afterwards he said he wanted to visit my place to check out the computer I had with the broken hinge, so we drove to my place, he saw my near and clean room, and I showed him my old laptop that had this broken hinge. He wanted to fix it and/or buy it from me, and I told him never mind, just leave it be. So then we left, went to his place again, I brought two oranges with me, we ate at his place, then I dropped him off at his parent's house (he lives with his girlfriend), and then I went home, and then I made some rice, and now I'm here typing this.

That's what happened so far today. Oh yeah, I also worked on my portfolio this morning and I worked on it thoroughly before leaving for the workplace. I made sure to update the proper areas and now my portfolio looks absolutely amazing. It looks pretty spectacular. I worked on this for two hours this morning and had a good time. I'm surprised I was able to get so much done, although I admit that I basically rushed it.

I still need to update my email address on the website, I think I need to make my own email address.

2:05 PM

What the hell. There's no way I could have typed all that up in 5 minutes. Maybe I started at 1:46 not 1:56? Maybe I started at 1:36 instead and just misread that as 1:56? That's probably the most logical scenario. I'm going to change it to 1:36 and add 20 minutes to the productive time log, because again, there's no way I could have typed that all up in 5 minutes.

7:14 PM

Well I had one of the most productive days I've ever had today. I got so much done on the portfolio. Pretty much every section is done except for the Art and Video sections. While working on the Website section, some tears came to my eyes as I listened to a midi version of "Clocks" by Coldplay while looking at my "" website. That was one of the first websites I ever made, and I made that site in third grade. I was a little kid in elementary school, and I remember visiting friend's houses and showing them my website as a kid, and I remember playing Neopets too.

Those were some very good days. I could barely spell back then. I'm so freaking glad Web.Archive.Org had an archive of the website from 2004! Freaking 2004! How the heck... Every day, in hindsight, feels like some of the best days of my life. But honestly, third grade was one of the best days of my life. So was fourth grade, and fifth grade, and every grade basically. Being a kid and going to school, even senior year, was awesome. I loved every single second of it. I loved and enjoyed every single moment I had in school, even the stressful ones, even the horrible ones, even the ones when I cried, I loved every single day of my youth.

Obviously I'm still young today, and there's so much to do. But I can already imagine looking back at this moment ten years from now, and going "holy crap, 24, I was so young back then." To my future self: I love you man. I know you think you could have done so much more at 24, but that's only looking at things in hindsight. From my current perspective, from my viewpoint where I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I have no freaking idea about anything. I'm just a lost soul trying to live my life, trying to be productive, trying to work hard and accomplish things. What can I even do?

I have just as much time as today, as you that day do in the future. We may be ten years apart, sure, but a day is a day. Being 24 and having a day while being 24, doesn't somehow make it more valuable or worth more than having a day at 34. A day is a day, a week is a week, a month is a month, a year is a year. It's one year. 2028 is ten years from now. That feels like forever from now, from today. I know though, I know it will be here sooner than I expect. But again, what can I do, what should I do?

Anyway, as my friend recommended, I need to work on my resume. I'm going to work on my resume. Then I can send it to his girlfriend who is a recruiter, and she can possibly help me find a job. I'm going to try and finish this resume tonight if possible. I'm going to look for a nice template I can use in constructing a resume, and then build a resume from that.

First though, should I take a break? I don't think I should take a break as I'm already on an awesome streak, but I kind of want to... I'm going to resist the urge to take a break though, and instead I'm going to look for a resume template and finish it. Once I finish my resume, then I'll take a break.

That sounds like a much more productive use of my time.

7:27 PM

No, I definitely need a break. My eyesight is starting to get a little bit blurry. I'm going to take a break and look outside for a while. That's all I'm going to be doing, just looking outside.

9:01 PM

Woohoo! I finally finished up my resume too, and I sent it off to my friend's girlfriend. This is cool. I got so much done today, I didn't expect to get anything done today. Maybe it's the coffee my friend offered me? He said "You don't drink coffee right? Here, drink this" and he gave me a shot of some strong coffee, which I drank entirely. I didn't feel the effects until a couple of hours, maybe an hour after, but after it hit, whew. I was wide awake and concentrated.

It's so weird how that worked. How does that work? I didn't expect for coffee to be able to have such an effect, that's pretty rad.

What am I going to do now? Take a break I guess, and then exercise outside, and then work on my plan for tomorrow. Or... if I were rational, what I would do is exercise first, then work on my plan for tomorrow, then take a break. Like, if I take a break now, I might be too lazy to do anything else. Right?

In that case, I am going to prepare to exercise outside. I need to exercise today because I haven't yet.

10:50 PM

During my walk today, I thought about yeah, how I would grow old one day and die. The inevitability of it all is fearsome. It's truly frightening. So many of the written works I look at and review today, are made by people who are already dead. So many people today are already so very old. The people who made the world what it is today, are already dead or very old. Those people shaped the way the world is today, for all the youth.

The reason why I'm able to write on the Internet today is because a bunch of now very old or dead people contributed tiny parts to ultimately make the Internet, because the Internet was forged with many more than just one pair of hands.

Also, another idea I discussed with my friend, is that no one who has cancer today or any day, expected to get cancer. It's not like they were young and one day when they were older they were like "Okay, I've decided, I'm going to get cancer today." No one who has cancer ever wanted it nor expected it. absolutely no one (well maybe some people do expect to get cancer, but no one really wants it).

And that's the point. We all think "it's not going to happen to me," well, what do you think the current cancer receives thought? Did they think "It's going to happen to me,"? No. They thought the same as everyone else. No one expected it nor wanted it.

Anyway, while on my run today, throughout many instances running in front of homes, I've had a whiff of cigarette smoke. Sometimes I would be exposed to it more closely and it's just everywhere here. Like, every few blocks, I'd expect to smell cigarette smoke. It's freaking disgusting. It makes my run feel less like a run and more like a poisonous bath. I was having a good time outside until I started smelling the cigarette smoke, and after one whiff of running you think you're through, but that's probably your nose blocking out the smell afterwards, and you're still breathing it in the entire time. Dang it.

11:28 PM

Wow my answer yesterday went freaking viral. It became, I think, the most viewed answer in that entire question. Remember that question I answered yesterday, where a person was asking if they could die yet, and I posted my response about imagining dying? That answer now has over 300 views and 3 upvotes. When I posted that answer, there were already a bunch of other answers listed before me, and when I posted it I didn't expect anything from it, but now my answer has the most views in that entire question out of 16 people who answered. Wow! What an honor, really.

Also, the question I asked yesterday anonymously, about being scared to die and how to accept death, now has over 400 views I think, and it became pretty viral too as there's 29 people who answered, and there's 7 people who followed the question, including some "Top Writers" and "Award Winner" guys apparently, they have these badges on their account.

I'm going to stick to my answer that the only way I feel comfortable about dying is to tackle dying with curiosity and questioning. To ask, "What happens when I die?" and to really ponder it, right before dying, and while experiencing dying, to actually be in that moment and to answer for yourself: "ah so this is what happens when you die" as whatever happens, happens around you. Who knows, maybe you wake up in a white room, and you look around, and you suddenly realize it was all a dream after all, that this entire life was a dream, made up by a superior logical being able to imagine such vivid worlds in their sleep? Maybe it's heaven and hell. Maybe it's reincarnation. Maybe it's living in a stone tablet. Maybe it's haunting a house. Who knows.

I wrote a blog post a few years back, maybe in 2015, writing about how "I wish ghosts were real" because then we would have answers about what happens when life ends, you know? We don't know. Like Woody Allen says, every 100 years, a button is pressed, and the whole world's population is reset. Every 4 years, a button is pressed, and every 4 year high school is refreshed, the entire population is reset. Every 10 or so years, an entire college's population is reset, press the button, ping, new people now. Where'd everyone go? Gone. Forever.

Some day in the future, having someone alive that was born in the 1900s like I was (born in 1993), would become an extreme rarity, and then later still, it would be an impossibility. Yet today, we have a large majority of people having been born in the 1900s. Almost everyone I know and almost everyone I see outside at any given time was born in the 1900s. I know just very few people born in the 2000s. However, just like how there's no one alive today who was born in the 1800s, one day there will be no one alive born in the 1900s.

It will be very shocking. Is such a thing even possible? Why yes it is. It's an inevitability. It's hard to imagine for me though, because like I said, the entire world that I know, exists because it was forged by those born in the 1900s. A large majority of people that I see when I look outside, were born in the 1900s, basically almost everyone. Literally. I can't state that enough.

But yeah. I'm looking now at the list of the oldest living people today, and most of them are from freaking Japan. I'm not even joking. Out of the top 30 oldest living people today, 14 of them are from Japan. In the top 10, 4 of them are from Japan. From 11 to 20, 6 of them are from Japan. Also, the reason why I only did the top 30, was because every single oldest living person today from rank 1 to rank 29, are all female. Like I scroll down the list, and all I see is "F" everywhere. The 30th rank guy is Male, he's 112. He's rank freaking 30th.

In the top 50, only 3 people are male. Only three! In the top 100 oldest living people, only fucking 6 are male! What the fuck is this!!! 94 out of 100 are female. Only 6 are male. That's actually pretty cool. Males dominate almost every other subject, but we're completely obliterated when it comes to longevity. I'm in shock.

Anyway I have to set up tomorrow before the day ends, and then I'll take a "break".

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Visit Work to Vest Stock Options
Networking Course (30 Minutes)
Software Engineering Course (30 Minutes)
Draw (1 Hour)
Work on Website (1 Hour)
Javascript (30 minutes)
Python (30 minutes)
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number

Work on Website Section of Portfolio Page
Work on JavaScript Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Mobile Apps Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Python Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Java Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Entry Responsiveness
Work on Portfolio Responsiveness
Work on Resume
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website

Steps Taken: 8769
Lines of Code: 100
Calories Consumed: 2400
Journal Words: 3583
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 5:58 AM

5:58 AM – Setting Up Today – 6:11 AM

6:11 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 6:15 AM

6:15 AM – Talking with Dad – 6:23 AM

6:23 AM – Writing Journal – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM – Talking with Dad – 6:36 AM

6:36 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 6:44 AM

6:44 AM – Talking with Parents – 6:50 AM

6:50 AM – Working on Portfolio – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Shower – 9:02 AM

9:02 AM – Preparing Check – 9:16 AM

9:16 AM – Preparing to Leave – 9:32 AM

9:32 AM – Writing Journal – 9:35 AM

9:35 AM – Driving / Exercising Vested Options – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Hanging out with Friend – 1:56 PM

1:56 PM – Writing Journal – 2:01 PM

2:01 PM – Fixing Email – 2:05 PM

2:05 PM – Writing Journal – 2:08 PM

2:08 PM – Preparing Food – 2:11 PM

2:11 PM – Eating Food – 2:30 PM

2:30 PM – Watching Videos – 2:55 PM

2:55 PM – Working on Portfolio – 4:04 PM

4:04 PM – Bathroom – 4:09 PM

4:09 PM – Working on Portfolio – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Writing Journal – 7:26 PM

7:26 PM – Looking for Resume Template – 7:27 PM

7:27 PM – Writing Journal – 7:28 PM

7:28 PM – Break – 7:42 PM

7:42 PM – Looking for Resume Templates – 7:59 PM

7:59 PM – Working on Resume – 9:01 PM

9:01 PM – Writing Journal – 9:06 PM

9:06 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 9:16 PM

9:16 PM – Exercising – 10:26 PM

10:26 PM – Resting – 10:50 PM

10:50 PM – Writing Journal – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Resting – 11:28 PM

11:28 PM – Writing Journal – 11:55 PM

11:55 PM – Setting Up Tomorrow – 11:59

Productive Hours (12:37)
Setting Up Today (0:13)
Cleaning Up Room (0:04)
Talking with Dad (0:08)
Writing Journal (1:32)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:08)
Working on Portfolio (6:14)
Preparing Check (0:14)
Driving / Exercising Vested Options (1:25)
Fixing Email (0:04)
Looking for Resume Template (0:18)
Working on Resume (1:02)
Exercising (1:10)
Setting Up Tomorrow (0:04)

Neutral Hours (8:04)
Sleep (5:58)
Talking with Parents (0:06)
Preparing to Leave (0:16)
Preparing Food (0:03)
Eating Food (0:19)
Bathroom (0:05)
Break (0:14)
Preparing to Exercise (0:10)
Resting (0:53)

Unproductive Hours (0:25)
Watching Videos (0:25)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 3
Python: 5
Web Development: 92
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 18