Wednesday, April 11th 2018
Well, I thought about it, dying in old age. One is basically trapped in their bed, and the doctors come by saying "there is nothing more we can do, even surgery or operations or medicine will not help. We are sorry." And so one is left to die in bed, with no hope for the future. That's basically what it is.
I'm expecting this will happen to me too sometime, if I'm fortunate enough to make it that long. So it's a more fortunate death than dying earlier? It is, but it's still not quite a happy death. I hope by that age though I'm able to accept death and just be able to move on forever.
Well I was about to email someone else, but then I looked through the email and found the direct line phone number of the HR head so I just decided on calling them. I printed out the exercise options form and found the necessary agreement document I signed in 2015 giving me the rights to purchase vested stock options on particular dates, starting after the first year.
I asked them about my stock options and they said I had 90 days to exercise my rights, and that I could get in touch with them to exercise it.
At the end of all this, even if I end up not receiving any stock options and even if the company later becomes public and I lose out on a lot of money by not getting any of those stock options, I decided that I will forgive and forget and take that as a lesson learned in life. Money doesn't equate to happiness, nor does having a lot of money necessarily solves all of one's problems. Sure there's a lot more a person can do with more money, and they might have a lot more free time as well, but it's the moments when once does not have much, where a person lives every day in earnest in trying to save up money or earn money, those experiences matter so much more than any amount of money in return.
Still no call from them or any reply email back.
I finally got an email back from them. Basically I can come by the office or I can mail the form in, and I can purchase however many stock options that I want. That makes it pretty simple and easy. I'm so glad they replied back, I was just starting to doubt that they would.
I can't believe it's 5:13 already. It honestly felt it was just this morning, it honestly felt it was just last year. I can relive 2017 over and over again, it was beautiful. I loved every year, I loved every day, no matter how tragic or how much suffering went through that day. It may not seem like it, but I love today too. I love living life, I loved that I got to go out for a walk this morning, I loved that I got to see the waters, and I got to see a large white bird (sort of like a swan, but it had long thin legs and a long beak) flying away from me.
When I was 16, I heard of the quote for the first time that 'When you're 16 you think you're invincible', and when I was 16, I thought I truly was. I actually did think I was invincible and that I could do anything. I was a very motivated, very optimistic person. I wrote down a list of 100 things I wanted to do before I died, and back then I wasn't thinking about 'death' as actually happening, it was this very far off thing.
Now that my thinking is a bit more aligned, that I've experienced many things starting and ending: high school (those were some of the best times in my life), college (again some of the best times of my life), work (I can't say it was good at all, but I still had a fun comfortable experience looking back on it). All these lovely events came and went. While I was going through them, I thought they would last forever.
They ended. So quickly. I still remember days in elementary school or middle school or high school, specific days when I would want the school bell to ring so badly to be able to go home and do whatever stupid thing it was I wanted to do. I was excited for the summers. Every school year I couldn't wait until it was summer. I'd study and work hard while at school, and then summer came, and then I would waste my time not really doing anything significant (probably playing video games).
There was also summer camp for Boy Scouts. I think I went to two of them. Man, I wanted those to end so badly because they lasted forever and the activities I thought were so boring. There were some very young kids when I was there, 10 years old, and I was 17 (the oldest you can be and still be a Boy Scout), and now those 10 year olds are 17, and I'm 24. The differences in age have already disappeared. There's not much difference between a 17 year old and a 24 year old, although from the perspective of a 17 year old it seems like there is.
There's probably almost no difference between a 24 year old and a 31 year old, but from my perspective, just last year, I thought there was. I realize there isn't though. After a certain age, you just realize life is as it is. There's no rules in the world. Every law and order and rules and traditions and techniques and ways we do things that we have set up, were all made up by someone else. The entire school system, I thought it was just 'life', that, it had to be this way. Well the entire school system had been made up by someone, probably long ago dead by now, and now all the kids go through it.
That's the way it is. I used to think others knew the answer or that others knew what they were doing. That there was some order to life, and that the way the world is operating right now, is the best way for it to work or the way that it's supposed to work. No one really knows what they're doing. Everyone dies in the end. We're all relics of the past, we just haven't realized it yet.
Someone posted a question on this Q and A website, and they were suicidal. They basically asked if they could just kill themselves, because life was miserable for them. I posted an answer which received a single upvote so far, and it has around 45 views. This really excited me. I thought, was my answer really that good? It was my first time answering something in this website in many years (I signed up back in 2011). Anyway, I read my response and was very happy I wrote something so clever. I wrote this? This was a really good read. Anyway, here it is:
Actually imagine dying. Try it. Imagine yourself in old age, lying in bed. You want to live on, but your body is in pain, and you can no longer do what you were once able to when you were younger. Time ages everyone, everyone goes through it. You may think that you'll be young forever and be fit forever or be mentally acute forever, but it doesn't last. This is why you don't see a lot of older people doing activities younger people are able to do so well. Skin starts to get saggy, hair starts to turn gray, age happens.
Actually imagine this happening to you. You are old now, and you have so many memories of the past, and so many more things you want to do. But now, now you're in your deathbed. You have family members surrounding you, and they're all hoping that you get better, but you won't. You will die here.
Imagine that happening. Isn't that scary or frightful? You actually want to commit suicide? Imagine everything before you going away forever. You want it all to end?
I'm terrified of getting old and dying. I think about it, and I imagine it. There are old people TODAY who are receiving the news from the doctor that they will be dead soon. H-h-how are you not scared to die?
When I was younger I thought about committing suicide, and thought it was a good idea, that it was this casual thing and I could just go back in time or relive my life or reincarnate as something or someone else if I did that. However, study philosophy, study history. You can't reverse time. You can't reverse death. Once you're dead, it's all over.
I'm crying now because I'm so scared to die. Why was I ever born? Why did I ever exist in the first place? I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be born and to experience the beauty life is, and then to suddenly just have it all taken away. This is depressing. This is sad. If I had the choice of never existing, I would have chosen that, over what I'm experiencing now.
I wasn't really crying when I wrote that last paragraph, but I surely felt like it. I watched around an hour or so of Woody Allen videos talking about death and life and existence. He makes this very interesting analogy involving a button being pressed every 100 years that resets everyone in the world. Every 100 years a button is pressed and everyone is replaced, every single person. It's mostly true, but I would say to include everyone it's more like every 150 years at this point because of the increased lifespans people are having, but 100 years would still include 99% of people.
Anyway, he just makes such an interesting analogy. Every 100 years the entire world gets reset, and everybody is replaced. Whether it's the president, a kid on the street, the person robbing you, your neighbors, your boss, your teacher, your friends, your parents, your best friend, your worst enemy, everyone gets replaced. Every single person. This is why I can't have hatred for anybody or anything, because we are all impermanent.
How can I hate that which ends? It feels like yesterday that I was excited to go on a trip to the Philippines, and in the blink of an eye, I'm already back in the United States, sitting in front of my computer now. How did this all happen?
Woody Allen also makes an interesting point that it's senseless to think about these things, because they confer us no benefit. Whether or not there is an answer, and there will never be an answer, won't disillusion us to live forever in any way.
I still have memories from when I was a kid in elementary school. Very vivid memories of my life and existence then. I had no idea what awaited me in the future. No idea. There's also this one memory I had when I was in my Miata car as a senior in high school, I was driving around trying to go random places, and I was listening to some very feel-good music with the top down and I was dancing along. I remember seeing the guy behind me in the car, being so dull and depressed as I was rocking out. That felt like yesterday.
Every memory feels like it just happened no matter how long ago it occurred. Tomorrow I'm going back to my workplace for the first time in months. I'm going to visit a place that I once used to go to every weekday, every single weekday. I still remember my first day of work like it was a second ago. I didn't think those moments would end, ever. I never thought high school would end, I never thought college would end, I never thought my work life at that company would end. At the time, those experiences just thought like they would always be.
And of course I knew about the inevitability of everything ending. I knew I was going to become a senior in high school and that I was eventually going to graduate. I knew that eventually once I started college, that it would eventually end too. But during my first days of high school or my first days of college, it just never felt like it would ever end.
Just like those events in my life, very significant events in my life, ended, I know my entire life will end at some point too. Looking at Wikipedia biographies of people, you can read people's entire lives summed up in a single page. It doesn't matter if they lived 100 years or 10 years, all that information fit in a single page. As the 100 year old was mowing through life, he did not know the future, he had no idea what was going to come next. Yet, looking at everything in past tense, it's as if, yeah that happened, why would you look at it any differently? Why did you expect anything else?
I'm going out for a drive right now, or maybe a walk. I drove yesterday to a nearby graveyard, and I might go again today before driving far away. See, I drove through my current neighborhood when I was in high school. I drove around for fun at night and after school, as a hobby, I hated the traffic of people going home from work though. I used to think that my current neighborhood was so beautiful and lovely, that I could never live here. Now I'm here, coincidentally.
It's all so interesting how that turned out to be. It's all so interesting how time passes making all our effort and experiences seem like nothing. I guess I'll go drive around, and then I might go for a walk outside or something. I'm not sure how I'm going to track this. I guess I can make a note on my phone about when I switch from one activity to the other.
I might even go out for a jog at a nearby trail where there's other people there running around too! Yeah, that would certainly be fun!
I finally decided to shave my entire beard off, well, up to the 1 setting. I'm still depressed. Maybe it's because I'm not in an environment like high school, where there was a lot of people around, and I was chasing after girls and just having the time of my life? College was also like that, but work isn't. Maybe that's why I didn't enjoy work so much.
The reason I shaved was because I was waving by people like I did back when I was in high school, while going down the trail, and back then everyone waved back. I did it now to everyone I passed, and no one waved. Maybe my appearance looks menacing? Is what I thought, so I shaved off my beard. I do look a lot better and a lot friendlier.
I'm going to browse the Internet for a while I guess.
Well this idea took a lot of meditation today and help from others in order to come up with this idea on how to approach death. This is one I've not yet heard, in my many hours and days that I have studied and meditated on this one topic. Seriously. I've studied the Ancient Greek Philosopher's theories on death, and they basically say to enjoy life, and that death is nothing to us so why care, why fear?
I went online and asked the question about how I can accept dying from the perspective of a person in their deathbed. The question gave a brief scenario of imagining oneself in a deathbed and imagining being told by the doctors that they had less than a day to live. I got a lot of answers, 20 answers as of right now, including from a lot of influential people on the site apparently. The question had over 200 views so far, and I asked the question anonymously so it sadly won't show up in my records or anything, on one will know I asked it except for me.
Anyway, one very interesting person who had a profile picture of a drawing of himself, he may be rather young actually from the way he wrote. But, he mentions that he might actually feel excited about the prospect of dying, because he's very curious about what happens after he dies, so no matter what happens, he'll find out what happens next.
That is.... An awesome way to view it. I love this perspective on death, to be curious about it throughout the entire life process, and to actually be welcoming to it because of one's curiosity. Basically, no one in the world that is alive today, knows what happens when they die, no one knows, absolutely nobody on the entire planet, knows definitively what happens when we die. Okay, blah, through science, I can also freaking deduce that nothing happens when we die, whatever. That's not my point. Ignore science, we have to ignore science for this philosophy to work, and sometimes being delusional is better than knowing the truth.
So we have lots of religions in the world, and we also have people who don't have any religions. Each one of these religions has their own special death stories and beliefs about what happens when a person dies. A person in China believes that their ancestors live in stone tablets, a person in India believes they'd reincarnate as another creature, a person in Europe believes they'll lie under the grave until Jesus resurrects them, a person in Tibet believes they'll escape samsara, people two thousand years ago believe they'll go to Hades, and we even have modern people today believe they'll wake up from a simulator once their life ends. People with no religion believe nothing will happen.
So many theories, so many ideas, none of them really converging on one answer. So, tackle death with curiosity. What happens when one is about to die? Well, when you are about to die, have those questions in mind. What happens next? Ask yourself that, and be at peace in death.
"Cool, I'm about to die. I'm ready. I've lived my whole life for this. What happens next? Who was right, who was wrong? Will I meet other deceased relatives in the afterlife? Was this all really a simulator? Will I meet God now? Either way, let my life end, I enjoyed it, now I must have my curiosity answered. I'm glad I'm finally having my curiosity answered."
That's the ultimate way to enjoy the dying process. I think I will die in that way. I want to die in that way. Of course my thoughts may start to overwhelm me and be like "nooo fight against the dying of the light!" and I would hate to have that conflict in me as I go. I want to be curious about death, I want to think about what it's like, and I want to be curious about it.
This idea is pretty revolutionary. Like I said there were 20 answers to that question, and only one person posted this that got me thinking about the prospect of a 'positive' way of viewing death. Another positive way of looking at death I guess, is to finally be free from the body and suffering and all the bad and negative experiences one has had. There's nothing more comforting than an eternal sleep. I'm serious. You no longer have to think, or act, or do anything, because you'd be dead and your spirit would be elsewhere.
I'm going to believe in a spirit. I don't care if it's scientifically unproven and/or illogical. I want to believe in a spirit that all beings and creatures possess. Like I said, a delusional belief can give a person a positive benefit. It doesn't have to be right. It can be a complete lie, a complete fabrication, but as long as the belief confers a positive benefit in a person's life, it shouldn't be rejected.
I actually hit a deer in 2017 and killed it, it was a baby deer, and I felt so sad and fucked up about it. I believe that we all have spirits, including animals, and that our physical bodies are not are actual true manifestation. Maybe a spider is scary in its physical state that it was given, but our spirits themselves are beautiful, and we'll encounter other spirits and our own spirit combined together once we're gone from the physical world.
Ah, there was this daddy long legs spider that was on the corner of the ceiling above my shower head in the bathroom for like a week or a month, for a while. It didn't really have any bugs or other insects coming in and getting trapped in its web, so it just stayed there starving. I was always curious as to how it survived throughout it all. But, every time I took a shower, I was always a little bit frightened of it, feeling that it would swoop down and land on my elbow and take a bite of me or something (you'll see why this doesn't make sense soon). One day I was feeling brave, and wanted to finally take on this spider and kill it, because I felt like it was always getting ready to attack me, so I splashed some water on it. Literally just a drop of water hit it.
It fell down to the ground so freaking fast and landed in a sort of dry spot in the shower. I saw it moving, and it looked like it was struggling so hard to move. First, it was super weak because it didn't eat for a long time, so it was struggling very hard just to move around and it looked so flimsy and weak, and second it was very damp and wet on the ground, so it didn't have much room to move around. So at first I felt very scared of the spider, like I said every time I went in I was frightened, and then when it got to this weakened state, I emphasized with the spider and finally understood it was going through its own hardships, and I chose to end its live by crushing it with the heel of my foot I hope (I hope I didn't just drown it by splashing more water on it and made it suffer more).
So, we're all living creatures made up of spirits. We all go somewhere when we die. We won't be our physical being anymore. Maybe we'll reincarnate. Maybe we'll have eternal sleep. Maybe we'll meet God. Maybe we'll escape Samsara. Maybe we'll visit Hades. Maybe we'll watch over our ancestors as ghosts. No one knows the answer to this.
A very comforting way to look at it though, and I have found a lot of comfort in viewing death this way, and if you read my journal, I was very scared and frightened of death. No one had the answer I was looking for. Sure, "When we are, death is not, when death is, we are not", but that doesn't really help me cope with dying. It doesn't help me accept death or the dying process or the inevitability of it all.
This groundbreaking idea, to be curious about death and to embrace it as having your curiosity answered, now that is a great view on death. Who knows what happens upon death? No one. But guess what, you'll have the answer at some point in your existence. At some point, you'll know. Look forward to it when it comes. That's literally the most comfortable thing I've ever heard or read about regarding death.
And out of studying it for a very long time, I've never come across that answer until now. So, look forward to it. That's it. Look forward to it with curiosity. Be curious about death. Be curious.
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12:00 AM – Studying Health – 12:07 AM
12:07 AM – Sleep – 7:14 AM
7:14 AM – Browsing Internet – 7:45 AM
7:45 AM – Writing Journal – 7:48 AM
7:48 AM – Bathroom – 7:53 AM
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8:12 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:22 AM
8:22 AM – Preparing Food – 8:25 AM
8:25 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:39 AM
8:39 AM – Studying Health – 10:08 AM
10:08 AM – Emailing Ex-Employer about Stock Options – 10:31 AM
10:31 AM – Writing Journal – 10:39 AM
10:39 AM – Bathroom – 10:43 AM
10:43 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 10:51 AM
10:51 AM – Writing Journal – 10:57 AM
10:57 AM – Walking Outside – 12:03 PM
12:03 PM – Writing Journal – 12:05 PM
12:05 PM – Researching Vesting Stock Options – 1:14 PM
1:14 PM – Writing Journal – 1:15 PM
1:15 PM – Eating Food – 1:35 PM
1:35 PM – Resting – 2:11 PM
2:11 PM – Eating Food – 2:20 PM
2:20 PM – Watching Videos – 5:13 PM
5:13 PM – Writing Journal - 5:50 PM
5:50 PM – Driving Around – 6:20 PM
6:20 PM – Walking Outside – 6:50 PM
6:50 PM – Driving Around – 7:15 PM
7:15 PM – Shaving – 7:30 PM
7:30 PM – Writing Journal – 7:35 PM
7:35 PM – Browsing Internet – 9:18 PM
9:18 PM – Studying Death – 10:05 PM
10:05 PM – Writing Journal – 10:51 PM
10:51 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (7:56)
Studying Health (2:36)
Writing Journal (1:48)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:05)
Completing Yesterday (0:04)
Setting Up Today (0:10)
Cleaning Up Room (0:10)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:14)
Walking Outside (1:36)
Emailing Ex-Employer about Stock Options (0:23)
Researching Vesting Stock Options (1:09)
Studying Death (0:42)
Neutral Hours (10:07)
Preparing Food (0:03)
Eating Food (0:09)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:08)
Driving Around (0:55)
Unproductive Hours (5:07)
Browsing Internet (2:14)
Watching Videos (2:53)
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