Tuesday, April 10th 2018
Oh man I have a full day again today. I was actually cold and frightened going to sleep last night, it was cold in my room, and also I mourned and thought about my older self being dead. I just transported myself to being elderly, because I know it's inevitable anyway, and thought about myself being old and about to die. Then I mourned the last time I would forever go to sleep. I mourned dying in my sleep.
It's going to happen. It's such a frightening thought, and to think that most elderly actually prefer to die in their sleep. Why is that? I also imagined just, this is a bit graphic, but I imagined other ways to die, and I might have possibly prefer to die awake by stabbing myself in the neck rather than to let sleep take me away. I don't know. Maybe sleep is the best way to go, but it just sounds like a crappy way of going, because you never wake up the next day.
Anyway, today is the day I'm going to be walking 5 laps outside. I have been mentally conditioning myself for this since yesterday's walk, and it is tough. It is really hard. But I think I can do it. I think I can walk for more than five hours straight on end. I think I can do this, I think it's completely possible. Yesterday I gave up too early because of a number of reasons I gave myself.
Today is different. I've had the experience of giving up yesterday, and now I can make up for it today. First I'm going to upload yesterday's entry though and then I'm going to prepare for the longest intentional walk I've ever done. Oh wait, it says I have to clean up my room first, so I'll do that first.
I couldn't do it. It was just too hard. It seems like walking one lap is my limit, even though I have walked several laps in the past. I guess the circumstances were different? I didn't have much to look forward to at home and I didn't have that many things to do, so I was able to walk pretty freely. Now when I'm walking, I can't wait to get home to get started on a new project or to do something different.
I come up with different ideas of things to do when I walk, that, I get filled with so much motivation to come back to get started on working on them. The difference is that, I imagine it as something being very easy to do, whereas the reality is that it's not so easy.
Either way, now that I'm back home, I'm a little bit hungry so I'm going to eat a little. Maybe I might go outside again to continue my walking? I don't know yet. I wanted to do that yesterday but I didn't do it.
Time to prepare some food to eat.
I ate two bananas and one orange while listening to some songs from the early 1900s and 1950s. I looked at the black and white pictures and photos of the singers and I looked some of them up on Wikipedia. They're all dead now, literally every single one of them. It's interesting because they looked so young and fresh in the photos, and their voices were beautiful as well, but now they're no longer even around. They're just relics of the past now.
I'm so at peace. It's probably because I walked for an hour, but yeah I'm feeling pretty comfortable and good right now. The reason why I started listening to all of these 'oldies' from the 50s and early 1900s such as the "Hello Ma Baby" song, was when I woke up this morning, this song "I love to singa" came up in my head, and so I looked it up, and remembered it was from this cartoon with a singing owl.
I saw that the animation and song were actually made in the 1930s, and I thought wow that was so old. Oh yeah, cartoons are pretty new. I remember when I was growing up there were barely any available, and now we have tens of thousands of cartoons and anime that are available to watch. I remember actually watching black and white television in the 1990s. I think in the Philippines we just didn't have a color television for a while, or maybe the channels were only in black and white? Either way, I remember the only cartoons available were from Cartoon Network and we had shows like Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, Scooby Doo, and also some Spongebob from Nickelodeon.
But I don't think those shows were always available, because I remember at night time, when I wanted to watch cartoons, there weren't any. I think it would have been way easier if I died in my childhood than if I were to die in old age, because I wouldn't have been as conscious. I mean, my memories of my youth, I was barely thinking, I was barley alive, I barely had any ideas in the world, I didn't even know how to read or how to write. If I were snuffed away at childhood, I think that would have been so much easier than for me to come to terms with my own mortality later on.
I mean, coming to terms with it is painful. Death will be a dreamless sleep that lasts for eternity. I love reading about people's lives from the 1700s and 1800s and 1900s because they were all born before I even existed. They've been gone for literally hundreds of years now, but back then they were living life as normally as I do today. Heck I enjoy randomly reading about their youth as well, "when X was 17 they did so and so" and I'm like, wow, 17? Okay not bad, but in the 1800s?! Being 17 in the 1800s?! Now that's looking towards the past.
And there's so many works and lives that no one will come across or care about for a while, maybe for a long time. A lot of these people I have never heard about. What I have learned from reading about everyone's experiences though, is that no matter how successful or rich or powerful or famous any of these individuals became, they were still normal human beings. They never knew what was going to happen in the future, and they never knew they would ever become a success from early on in their life. They just happened to be that way later on. They also didn't have as much control or as much power as less powerful people think they do, after all they're just normal people in the end.
I'm going to help my dad cancel the television cable subscription because he's calling me now to help him do that. I'll be sure to give him a few hugs as well.
Everyone talks to my dad and refers to my dad as if he were a very old senior person. I remember in the Philippines we got to go to the 'disabilities' line on the train because we were with my dad and the train attendant forced us to go there. He was like "you, senior, there" and there we were. Of course it was supposed to be this special designated train car that was cut off from the other cars with some yellow tape, to stand in the area to get onto this car, there was a ribbon around it and you weren't let in unless you had a disability or were a senior.
Today as well when talking on the phone, it was initially my dad, and then I took over, and the woman on the phone started talking and referring to my dad as if I were the person taking care of him. She would use words like "does your dad enjoy watching the news?" or "is there a medical related device attached to the phone lines that your dad may need?" like, just terms and phrases that I don't think would normally be used for a younger person. I may not have quoted her exactly either, but just the tone in her voice made it sound that way.
I guess my dad is getting older, and I guess the reason why I had any fights at all with him was because I didn't think he would be getting older. He expects to be retiring next year, and that's when they say that your health and everything starts falling apart, when you retire. In all earnestly I don't want my dad to retire at all, but I can't bring this up with him as he's pretty closed minded and set in his ways, he will just want retirement more if I tell him that it's not a good idea.
And yeah I made sure to get a few hugs in. Man. Getting older. We're all hit with this curse.
Okay so I just finished walking this morning. I came back home and ate, and now it's already 1 PM. How did the time just fly by like that? If I had kept walking though I should have been done by now. Anyway, I am a little bit sleepy, I'm going to lie down and take a break, or read some books on drawing.
Oh yes, I'm also in front of my goldfish now as I type this, and he/she seems very interested in what I'm doing. I'm just on my computer, with my side/back towards the fish tank and he can clearly see my entire computer screen from where he is. I'm sure he has no idea what's going on, on it, but yeah. Anyway, time to take a break.
Holy crap my stomach is huge. I am so fat. It is so enormous, holy moly. I'm done eating for the day. I already ate all the foods that I needed to eat today, anything extra at this point is just excess.
I mostly walked outside, but jogged and ran a little here and there too. It was fun. It had been a while since I had run, and getting back into it was great. I need to do this every day. I need to at least do two laps a day, preferably running as much as I can, and that's the idea. If you let yourself get out of shape, you will get out of shape, and so will your mind.
I just visited the graveyard and I also drove around for a while. It had been a while since I had driven so it took a few minutes of getting used to again. I wonder if I just, don't drive for like 5 years, if I'll be able to just pick up driving again? I haven't ridden a bicycle in probably 5 or more years, around that, so it would be interesting to see how differently I would react to it.
But yeah, I visited a local graveyard today because I was watching a video on Epicurus, his philosophy on life, death, and happiness. It was actually a video series. During the third video he stated a quote, the same one I put up in the very first video I uploaded in my MegawattApps YouTube channel, and it's this quote that is added to either the entrance of graveyards or on gravestones. The quote goes like this, it's sort of a poem:
Remember, you who are walking by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so soon shall you be. Prepare yourself to follow me.
That was a quote I said, I think it was the beginning of last year... oh man that feels like an eternity ago already. Anyway, I said that quote, and then proceeded with the rest of the video. It was so random, and I cringe when I watch it today.
However, it's still relevant and it always will be. It's the truth. That's why I visited a graveyard today just to see how people have moved on. I saw graves there of people, mainly elderly people who lived a long life. Sometimes I would see the rare person around 30 dying, and I think I saw a grave of a child as well because there was all these toys around it. I basically just went there with my car, and drove around. I didn't want to step outside of the vehicle because I had no specific grave to visit, and I was unfamiliar with the etiquette or customs there, I also think there's this house in the property that belongs to the owners of the graveyard, and since I was the only person in the entire graveyard I didn't want to be weird by getting out and letting myself be visible.
Anyway, I drove slowly enough to see a lot of the different graves. It wasn't a very large graveyard, maybe just a few hundred gravestones or so. It wasn't as large as the graveyard I visited in the Philippines this year. I think I was actually disrespectful to my grandparents when I visited there, because I didn't think about mortality all that much at the time, and I didn't take much meaning in visiting, I actually wanted to leave a few minutes after arriving.
Today though if I went there again, armed with this new philosophy and thoughts on death, I'd want to stay longer, I'd cherish every second of me being there, and I would properly mourn and pray for the dead. I'm not religious, but I think it might be beneficial to be religious, in order to avoid the suffering of the dying process and to be able to hope for an afterlife in an established religion having many other relatable followers.
But yeah, visiting the graveyard was very enlightening. I didn't know or recognize a single person there, but I knew I would one day be dead too, and there's nothing I would ever be able to do about it. I want to run outside out, even though I already ran today.
I'm going to go outside again and go for a walk. Maybe I can do the remaining 3 laps tonight? I doubt it, but it's worth a try. I'm so, depressed? Is that the right word? Tired? Calm? Hopeless? I want to have friends and a lover. I don't want to be alone or grow old alone when my parents are gone.
While they were at work today, while changing clothes, I actually visited their room for some reason. I think it was to use the mirror or something, or whatever. I walk around wherever in the house, it's not as if I'm off limits to their room, just usually I won't go there because I have no reason to. But today, I just imagined my parents having already been gone, and just me living in the house. Just me alone. That's lonely. And kinda depressing.
What kind of life would that be? I also have a hard time making friends, I don't like most people, and I want to be alone most of the time. Are friends needed at all? Probably not. But anyway, yeah.
I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I was going to backtrack and play video games again, but decided not to as there would be no point. There's a ton of stuff in my task list today that I need to do, but I'm kind of too tired to do any of those things, if that makes sense.
Maybe I'm not really tired, I'm just lazy I guess. I don't feel like doing any of those things in my to-do list no matter how easy they are. Maybe I should take a nap? I also feel pretty fat as well. My stomach is huge and bulging. I need to lose weight because I don't want to enter my 50s being obese. That would certainly be a nightmare.
After visiting the graveyard I also went around and drove to a nearby park. There were a lot of people there, and it was fun visiting. I didn't get out of the car or anything either as I already knew what was there and didn't need to explore. I also actually live within walking distance of that park, and sometimes run there. I actually laughed out loud when I was driving home, as I was like 'wow my house is literally right there', and there were also a lot of people also leaving the park.
I think I'm very fortunate actually to live where I do, living so close to a park, so close to a library, so close to a school, even so close to a graveyard, not to mention also a walking distance shopping center, and a really comfortable enough area to walk that I'd walk at night often (when I used to) and it wouldn't be any problem.
According to Epicurus, I today have ataraxia. Am I using the word right? It sounds like a disease. I have ataraxia. As long as I'm comfortable where I am today, right now, and I am, then I have ataraxia. Of course I can't have this condition indefinitely. If I don't have a source of income, if I can't pay my rent, which I can't once I burn through my limited funds, then I wouldn't be in a state of ataraxia anymore, or would I?
Anyway, in relation to my funds and income, I contacted my ex-employer I think it was on Saturday, and I was expecting a reply yesterday once they got into work, but even right now on Tuesday night I still don't have a reply. I have 90 days apparently from the day I was fired as the time designated for me to be able to buy stock options available in the company. Are they just going to ignore my emails until the 90 days are expired?
Anyway, it's not fair. Life isn't fair, for most people. I've read through enough Wikipedia biographies to know that every single person has hardships in life, even the most successful people. They all have their struggles and problems that they go through at some point, and no one (almost no one) just poops out success without first failing a few times.
I again don't really know what to do for the remainder of the day. I think walking outside is appropriate, but then again maybe not. I don't know. I'm going to just watch some videos until I decide.
Oh no. I saw my naked body in the mirror today and I looked horrendous. I had pimples in some places of my body, I had a large amount of fat, my skin color wasn't great, my overall features were as unattractive as anything. Today I've started to seriously take care of my body as I've let it run off like this for too long.
For the longest time I didn't really care about how my body looked or how clean my room was. And then I started cleaning up my room, so now every day in the morning after I wake up, it looks spotless again (since the bed sheets would be messed up from me sleeping on it), and now my room feels so much better to be in.
Using that same logic with my body, I think I'll feel loads better being in my body if I kept it in shape.
Clean Up Room Upload Previous Day' s Entry
Walk 5x Outside
Work on Website Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Mobile Apps Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Python Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Java Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Draw for an Hour
Work on one of the Python backlog programs for an hour
Study Game Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journals Responsiveness
Instagram Photo Downloader
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Steps Taken: 15069
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2100
Journal Words: 3285
12:00 – Reading about Death – 12:40 AM
12:40 AM – Sleep – 7:45 AM
7:45 AM – Watching Videos– 7:51 AM
7:51 AM – Bathroom – 7:56 AM
7:56 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:09 AM
8:09 AM – Writing Journal – 8:15 AM
8:15 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:25 AM
8:25 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:35 AM
8:35 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 8:45 AM
8:45 AM – Walking Outside – 9:55 AM
9:55 AM – Writing Journal – 9:59 AM
9:59 AM – Preparing Food – 10:05 AM
10:05 AM – Eating Food – 10:22 AM
10:22 AM – Preparing Food – 10:26 AM
10:26 AM – Eating Food – 10:51 AM
10:51 AM – Writing Journal – 10:55 AM
10:55 AM – Watching Videos – 11:20 AM
11:20 AM – Writing Journal – 11:33 AM
11:33 AM – Helping Dad Cancel Television Cable – 12:12 PM
12:12 PM – Writing Journal – 12:19 PM
12:19 PM – Eating Food – 12:24 PM
12:24 PM – Preparing Food – 12:26 PM
12:26 PM – Eating Food – 12:36 PM
12:36 PM – Brushing and Flossing – 12:40 PM
12:40 PM – Cleaning Up – 12:50 PM
12:50 PM – Writing Journal – 12:54 PM
12:54 PM – Resting – 1:11 PM
1:11 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 1:36 PM
1:36 PM – Walking Outside – 2:43 PM
2:43 PM – Writing Journal – 2:46 PM
2:46 PM – Resting – 3:46 PM
3:46 PM – Random Stuff – 7:27 PM
7:27 PM – Writing Journal – 8:12 PM
8:12 PM – Watching Videos – 8:59 PM
8:59 PM – Taking a Shower – 9:17 PM
9:17 PM – Writing Journal – 9:21 PM
9:21 PM – Watching Videos – 10:21 PM
10:21 PM – Studying Health – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (7:27)
Reading about Death (0:40)
Setting Up Today (0:13)
Writing Journal (1:30)
Cleaning Up Room (0:10)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:10)
Walking Outside (2:17)
Helping Dad Cancel Television Cable (0:39)
Cleaning Up (0:10)
Studying Health (1:38)
Neutral Hours (9:40)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:35)
Preparing Food (0:12)
Eating Food (0:47)
Brushing and Flossing (0:04)
Unproductive Hours (5:59)
Watching Videos (1:31)
Random Stuff (4:28)
Web Development: 85
Game Development: 1