Monday, April 9th 2018

8:44 AM

Well, I learned yet again that playing Dota 2 is very dangerous for me. I spent around 4 hours yesterday playing that blasted video game, and another 3 or so hours playing it continuously the next day (basically I played for 7 hours straight, but yesterday and today overlapped). What a dangerous activity.

Not only did I waste my time playing that game again, but my day is gone, all my productivity that I could have had from those 7 hours are gone. I only spent around 5 hours total yesterday being productive, and in that short of a time being productive, I was able to get a lot done.

In 7 hours of playing a video game, not only did I not even improve in that game, but I also got nothing done, and I also wasted a day and limited part of my life. I have to think about that more deeply. Every day is fleeting, every day is unique, every day is special. I only have a limited number of days in this world and I chose to waste a significant portion of it on video games. What a waste of time. I'm angered at myself.

I think it's alright if I actually make the games, but to play the games, that's a sin. That's a sin against my very soul. I regret every second I spent playing that game last night and every other night. I uninstalled it to protect myself.

As a punishment, I'm going to walk outside for 5x longer than I usually do, today. After I clean up my room, work fixing the entries on the website (the days are off), and after upload my previous days' entries, I'm going to go outside and I'm going to keep walking until I complete 5x the distance I normally do. Then I have this gigantic but fun and productive Task List for today.

I think every task list should be like today's, heavily loaded with tasks to do so that I don't get bored. Also, the tasks are listed in order of what I should work on first, so one by one, I'll get them done, until the end. I will do my best today.

Oh yeah, I think I might start typing in Dvorak again, but it doesn't seem to matter what keyboard style I use, if I type fast enough then my arm will start to hurt.

1:06 PM

Well I failed today. I only walked one lap which is the typical amount I usually walk. It's around 7000-8000 steps which isn't that bad, but I wanted to do five times that amount as punishment for wasting my time yesterday. I failed big time. I just gave up. It was hard, it was cold, it was starting to snow a little, I was getting tired, and so on and so on. I came up with a bunch of excuses for myself to just stop, and so I did.

Well the day is not over yet, I think I may want to go again later today. At least once more this afternoon, and then if I can, three times this evening. It's best to do it in the morning, I should've left at around 9 or 10 AM when I was ready to. Instead I over ate food, which caused me to become lazy, which then made me take a break for way too long, and then I overshot my time.

Yeah, I guess I am feeling a little bit sleepy now. I'm going to eat some food, take a break, and then go outside and walk if I can.

10:20 PM

I did it! I finally worked on and uploaded the Portfolio section of the website! Of course the entire page is completely blank. The only thing I actually worked on was the page layout itself, and all of the different sections inside of it. Other than that, it needs a lot of work left before we're fully done with it. But yeah it's finally starting to take shape and I can see it taking off soon!

I'm going to not work anymore for the rest of the night because I am already pretty tired. I did some drawing today for over an hour, and I also practiced javascript for over an hour. Who knew time would go by so quickly doing those two activities? I didn't even notice as I was doing them, but yeah the time was just flying by. It seemed and felt like I wasn't doing much with that time, but it's just gone even though I don't think I got much done.

I'm going to work on setting up tomorrow and then uploading my photos for the past few days because there's a lot of things I need to do. There's so many things I need to do for tomorrow. I need to go to sleep early and wake up early so I can get things done on time. I might play some video games tonight, maybe.... I'm really really tempted to.

Oh yeah, I also started up game development today. Am I tackling too many things at once? I got web page development going on, my journal going on, game development, python, javascript, drawing, exercising all at once? Can I do this stuff every day? And then in a few days my two college classes that I signed up for a few days back are going to start up, and then I'll be very busy taking those classes. I'll be super busy just living my normal life.

I think it's enjoyable though, it actually doesn't feel bad at all having this many activities to work on. Besides, I don't think I actually do much work in a day anyway. Most of the time I'm spent lazing around or doing nothing. Today's time log proves it, I was only productive for around 7 hours today, and other than that, I barely did anything at all. There's supposed to be 24 hours in a day, but in my best days, I can get just around 7 hours of productivity in. I suck so much.

Anyway I do want to get more done in my life, except ah, I just have my own personal qualms I have to face. It's just my problems of self-control, self-doubt, and addiction that plague me. I'm also afraid of dying, not of death itself because death is not a bad thing, but dying is terrifying. The process of changing over from living to dead is frightening. I'm so scared of that.

Also from all the people's deaths I've read about, apart from the rare events where multiple people die, everyone dies alone. How fucking frightening and terrifying is that? I remember I volunteered for a few weeks (months?) at a retirement home back when I was 16. I used to just walk over there since it was literally a block or two a way, like it took 2 minutes to get there, and it was so freaking close by. Anyway, I was the bingo drawer there, and I would just draw out the bingo numbers with a big smile on my face, and call them out. It was really easy.

Every Tuesday I think, I would go there, and volunteer. I volunteered by the way because I needed volunteer activities for high school, I think 16 or so hours worth. So anyway, I'd go there every week, and just play bingo with the elderly folks. I remember seeing them, they were so old, their hair was gray, they could barely walk, they could barely move. Man, who knows what plethora of health problems the elderly have? A ton. A ton of health problems. Pretty much every kind of health problem affects the elderly.

So anyway, there was a one or two week break period known as spring break, I think it might have just been a week but it may have also been two weeks... A week really feels less and less like a week as you get older, a week starts to feel like less and less time. Months can go by without me even noticing, but back then a week lasted forever. A day lasted forever. And so I was on spring break, and when I came back, two of the elderly that I was once playing bingo with, died. What the fuck.

I was actually in a lot of shock and disbelief. I didn't know any of them by name (man I wish I could have gotten to know them more since their time was so limited, I don't even know if any of them are still alive today and I'm not exaggerating, I played with around 20 or so of them). What is the point of bingo anyway? I think they play it because they're not accustomed to video games like our generation is. I won't have any doubts that when we're they're age, we're going to be playing video games.

We're a fucking loser generation though. We act like we're immortal, claiming "yolo" and yet not trying anything to help us live longer. If my generation wants to live for a longer time, and I am for certain there is no generation that doesn't want to live longer, we really need to put in all of our resources into extending human life. I'm serious. There's no other issue or gadget or social problems that can even compare to one's own demise, yet we all go about as if there's no death looming above us.

Man. I really want to extend my life, and also the quality of my life, and live for as long as I can. I don't want to just die... ever... if I were being honest, I'd say I would want to live for at least another few hundred years before accepting death. I probably won't even live to see the year 2100. That's so depressing. Thinking about 50 years from now and onwards, it's... fucking sad. I'm terrified. It's like 50 years is already here.

It doesn't matter if I'm talking about the year 2100 or the year 2018, they both feel like they're seconds apart. I mean, looking at it in a past perspective, since today is 2018, if I look at the years 2000 to 2017, they both feel like to me, to have gone by instantaneously, as if I never experienced them to begin with. It's as if they just flew by, instantly. Going through time periods where I didn't even exist yet, for example the year 0 to 1992. Apparently at least 1992 years had passed by before I was born, and yet it all went by instantly. Instantly.

I'm not even mentioning the millions of years it took for our species to evolve, and the distant ancestors we had far in the past. I wonder what kind of life the creatures in very early earth lived? I'm not talking about humans or our ancestors, but the other creatures that lived back then. I'm talking about the giant lizard-like looking beasts, and the giant versions of today's present animals. I wonder what kind of world it was, or what kind of life they lived.

But you have to think about it, they too lived their own life. They too lived their own existence, short as it was. They're all forgotten now. They're all dead and gone. Dead and forgotten. Billions upon billions of humans are dead, trillions upon trillions of other animals and creatures of earth are also dead. Throughout the millions of years, a countless number of beings have lived and existed on this planet, only to die again.

If reincarnation were true at all, I think it would relate to our atoms in our body being consumed and transmuted into another creature. Just through some sheer miracles and luck, individual atoms and elements combine with other elements, to produce a new creature from a combination of different past lives. In a way, our dead bodies turning to dust and mingling with other elements and dead body parts of others and other creatures, as a sort of 'interatomic sex' between molecules. We're made of parts from dinosaurs and other prehistoric life forms and plants and dirt and other things, that have somehow made their way into our body. We don't have memories of any of the past lives it took to make us because individually they make up too small a portion of our bodies, maybe we're comprised of billions of life forms that have lived throughout the eons, and when we die we'll form parts of other people and other creatures too. Parts of my finger nail could make up for three cells of a person's hair of a person born 200 years from now, who knows?

I am still saddened and depressed that I am going to die. What really does anything I do matter? Why do I waste my time? Time so limited and time is so fleeting, I shouldn't dare waste a second. I'm seriously pissed I had to exist. I didn't freaking ask for this. I didn't wish to come into existence or to come into being.

I also hate that I have a conscious thought. Maybe if I weren't so self-conscious, thinking deeply about everything all the time, I wouldn't care about dying. I would just be another normal person, just living their life. Instead, I'm me, conscious and fully aware of everything I do, knowing that one day this will all end. What the fuck. What. The. Fuck.

Anyway, I have to set up tomorrow. My eyes kinda hurt right now so I'm going to rest them for a bit first. I'm going to probably be hugging my dad while I close my eyes to rest them.

11:16 PM

Geez, today has to have been the most 'active' day with multiple different activities I've ever had in a while. I exercised, I did some web page development, I did some javascript, I drew, I did some game development, and I played games last night, and I wrote in my journal. What a very nice and spread out day.

I spent several minutes hugging my dad by the way. I wrote about me being frustrated that he does his stupid lottery number things, but now I don't care so much. I'm just happy he's still here with me today, because I know one of us will go first at some point and will have to live with the other one gone, until they die too. It's most likely my dad who is going to go first, but I just wrote that it could be either one of us, because no one knows.

Oh man time sure is flying. I'm going to work on uploading my previous day's photos and then work on planning the day for tomorrow. I think it might be better to plan the days ahead in the future.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Fix Entries on Website
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Selfie for the Day Yesterday
Walk 5x Outside
Selfie for the Day Today
Work on Portfolio Page
Work on HTML / CSS / JavaScript portion of portfolio page
Upload Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journals Responsiveness
Draw / Study Drawing for an Hour
Program for an Hour
Set Up Tomorrow
Upload Previous Days' Selfies

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 8560
Lines of Code: 60
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 2503
Drawings: 30

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 3:10 AM

3:10 AM – Sleep – 8:17 AM

8:17 AM – Bathroom – 8:29 AM

8:29 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Writing Journal – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:55 AM

8:55 AM – Setting Up – 9:06 AM

9:06 AM – Fixing Entries on Website - 9:18 AM

9:18 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 9:37 AM

9:37 AM – Selfie For the Day Yesterday – 9:39 AM

9:39 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 9:51 AM

9:52 AM – Preparing Food – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Eating Food – 10:01 AM

10:01 AM – Preparing Food – 10:04 AM

10:04 AM – Eating Food – 10:09 AM

10:09 AM – Putting Plate Away – 10:11 AM

10:11 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Break – 11:14 AM

11:14 AM – Wasting Time – 11:44 AM

11:44 AM – Walking Outside – 1:04 AM

1:04 AM – Selfie for the Day Today – 1:06 PM

1:06 PM – Writing Journal – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Preparing Food – 1:16 PM

1:16 PM – Eating Food – 1:20 PM

1:20 PM – Preparing Food – 1:30 PM

1:30 PM – Eating Food – 1:44 PM

1:44 PM – Unity Course – 3:51 PM

3:51 PM – Break – 4:27 PM

4:27 PM – Brainstorming Game Ideas – 4:47 PM

4:47 PM – Watching Videos – 5:10 PM

5:10 PM – Washing Dishes – 5:21 PM

5:21 PM – Eating Food – 5:29 PM

5:29 PM – Preparing Food – 5:33 PM

5:33 PM – Eating Food – 5:49 PM

5:49 PM – Drawing – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Nap – 7:05 PM

7:05 PM – Drawing – 7:47 PM

7:47 PM – Planning – 7:53 PM

7:53 PM – JavaScript Programming – 8:53 PM

8:53 PM – Preparing Food – 9:04 PM

9:04 PM – Eating Food – 9:16 PM

9:16 PM – Watching Videos – 9:23 PM

9:23 PM – Working on Portfolio Page – 10:20 PM

10:20 PM – Writing Journal – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Resting – 11:16 PM

11:16 PM – Writing Journal – 11:20 AM

11:20 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 11:47 PM

11:47 PM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 11:50 pm

11:50 PM – Reading about Death – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:07)
Setting Up Today (0:15)
Writing Journal (0:53)
Cleaning Up Room (0:05)
Fixing Entries on Website (0:12)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:19)
Selfie for the Day Yesterday (0:02)
Walking Outside (1:20)
Selfie for the Day Today (0:02)
Unity Course (2:07)
Brainstorming Game Ideas (0:20)
Drawing (1:13)
Planning (0:06)
JavaScript Programming (1:00)
Working on Portfolio Page (0:57)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:27)
Reading about Death (0:09)

Neutral Hours (10:20)
Sleep (5:10)
Bathroom (0:12)
Setting Up (0:11)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:12)
Preparing Food (0:37)
Eating Food (1:05)
Putting Plate Away (0:02)
Brushing Teeth and Flossing (0:06)
Break (1:36)
Washing Dishes (0:11)
Nap (0:45)
Resting (0:17)

Unproductive Hours (4:10)
Playing Games (3:10)
Wasting Time (0:30)
Watching Videos (0:30)