Saturday, April 7th 2018

7:30 AM

Yesterday I spent over 10 hours playing just one game. I was literally just glued to my computer playing game after game. I even spent over an hour today already still playing games. I was playing games for nearly 12 hours straight!!

This one game in particular that I kept playing was Dota 2. It's a very fun and addicting game. I was playing very fun and addicting "Arcade" games on it, there was one full of memes, and there was another one where you played as an anime character and fought one another. I loved the mechanics and the gameplay. I mainly played "Dota WTF"' which is Dota but with a all the cooldowns and mana cost removed, so you can cast any spell as fast as you can tap on their hotkey and click on a target. It was so fun and addicting.

I became rather, not "good", but pretty decent at it. I know which heroes are the most overpowered in that game, and I became acquainted with knowing which items to get. It's so much fun. There are times when I completed dominated, and there were times when I got destroyed, it was for those dominating times that I kept playing over and over again trying to experience that feeling of being indestructible again.

Even if one strategy worked on one game, and even if you completely dominated it that one game using that strategy, doing the same thing for another game could mean you lose completely. What I don't like about Dota 2 though is the font size and how they're so tiny. I had blurry vision for a while after 1 AM last night so I made sure to 'train my eyes' a little bit, rapidly moving them across the ceiling as I laid down. I was so scared I would lose points on my vision for playing this game so many hours straight.

I would just stand up and go to the kitchen, and things would be blurry. Then I would come back to the computer and the computer itself would be blurry. I freaking hate that game, it's so fun but at the same time it's a life drainer. It steals away life.

So anyway, I set up a pretty good task list for today. As long as there are no distractions I will work on getting everything there done. First thing to do is to clean up my room, and then I'm going to upload the previous days' photos and entries so I can be caught up again.

Whew. This isn't going to be that bad at least.

8:03 AM

Whew. That wasn't that bad at all. Cleaning up my room was pretty easy, uploading my previous days' photos was pretty easy, and uploading my entries from the past few days was also pretty easy. What next? Time to work on uploading my entries from March 31st onwards to their own page. Then I'm going to stop uploading everything into the "All Journals" page.

I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't stop uploading entries to that page? It does take a while to format that page though and it gets tedious if I have to upload it to two pages at once. Maybe I could use an iFrame to grab just a portion of it?

Apparently there's a JQuery load function that does it for you. Maybe I can just do that next time in order to upload my entries a lot more easily.

9:44 AM

Alright so now I'm going to have to go back and fix my February entries. This was back when I was in the Philippines this February. I should have written entries back then but I didn't, and now I have to go back and write some entries for some of those dates.

So in February, there's this huge gap early on where it goes from like, let's say it's day 480, it then just jumps to 500 because I skipped out on several days. So now I have to go back and write the entries for these skipped days to the best of my memory. If it turns out however, that my day count was wrong, and that it didn't skip 20 days from 480 to 500, but instead it skipped 21 days from 480 to 501, then holy moly. I will have to go back and fix so much.

Sigh. We'll see what happens. This is a dreadful task I have been procrastinating on for months now, but the longer I procrastinate on it the worse it gets. Time to tackle this problem now.

9:51 AM

Oh shit. I'm off by a day. Two? Three? Four days off? Oh no.... I'm going to have to backtrack and fix a lot of these entries. Whew. Oh well, that's what I get for procrastinating.

7:30 PM

Whoopsie, there goes my entire day. It seems like if I just let in on one single pleasurable action, my entire day falls apart. It's literally night time right now. It felt like 10 AM just a few minutes ago. It's dark in my room and everywhere else now. I can see the sun setting in the left window in my room. There's three windows that I'm in front of currently and that my desk is facing out from, it's shaped sort of like three sides of a hexagon, there's one large window in front of me and two smaller windows to either side, and I can't see a sunset through my center window but I can through the left window.

It looks beautiful. I leave the windows open throughout most of the day when I'm on the computer, keep in mind I only started doing this recently when I moved my desk to be in front of the windows, back then my desk was just facing the wall. Anyway, the day is nearly over.

I'm just typing away in front of my PC. I like this feeling. This feels so calm and serene, like I was always meant to be doing this. I couldn't ask for a better feeling, although I do feel that I ate way too much food today. This is after I said I would go easy on the food in order to try out calorie restriction, and yet I go and do this? I ate so much food today. I'm done eating for a while.

If I can, I will just try and limit myself to 1000 calories a day.

So there's still a bunch of stuff on my to do list, I'm going to go ahead and just continue working on that now. I don't have anything else to do.

8:24 PM

So I organized all of my past day's entries and dated them properly. Thankfully they were all the right date! Woohoo! I've been opening up my older entries (before day 100) and adding in the day and date to the top part of the document and also renaming the folder they were in, in order to organize it better. So for example, I would rename the folder that was just called "Day 19" into "Day 19 – Friday, November 11th 2016" and I went through all folders doing this.

Throughout most of it I wasn't sure if I had the right dates and days or not, because they were undated before. I thought I had messed up somewhere and maybe had two "Day X' entries for example, or maybe I had skipped a day, or something like that. I was expecting to run into some sort of problem where I would have to ultimately sort through and organize 500+ journal entries that were dated incorrectly or given the wrong day number.

But then I would run into some entries where I explicitly wrote in the first paragraph or so what day it was, or what journal date it was (rarely both). For example above, on November 11th 2016, I wrote that it was Veteran's Day and I didn't have work. I don't know what "Journal Day" that was, but at least I got the date right, and I went through the dates backwards, going from November 13th, to 12th, to 11th, etc. until the first day, so honestly I had no idea if I would run into any problems or not.

The reason why I went 'backwards' was because on some certain day, I don't know when, I started adding the dates to the folder names instead of just the journal day. So eventually I had a bunch of new entries, all dated properly, and then I had more than 100 entries that didn't have any dates on them, but just had the journal day i.e. "Day 50", not "Day 50 – Monday, December 12h 2016", so I went back and retroactively added the dates to these dateless folder names. I also edited the journal documents themselves to have the dates at the top too, just like how I have the present date at today's entry.

Anyway, skimming through some of the entries I had back then, I had not changed at all. I have the same exact goals I had back then. The same exact goals. I'm the same exact person. I have the same exact problems, and I'm in the same exact situation. I haven't changed at all in two years. My ideology is also the same as well. For example on Day 7, which I wrote on October 30th 2016, I wrote this:

"Day 7 already? Man, time is going by fast. It feels like it was only yesterday that I started writing this. In time, this post too shall be really old. Right now it's the present, I might as well enjoy." – October 30th, 2016

If I were in 2016 again.... Whew... things would be sooo different! Well, I'm in 2018 today. Why don't I make today anymore different? Have I just been regurgitating the same exact thoughts, ideals, and actions, for the past 2 years? I have been writing about improving on web page development, and drawing, for the past two years as well. Losing weight too. Seriously. I've been at this trend and journey for over two years now. Holy moly.

Also, I was writing about death and such very early on as well! On the very first entry I wrote, I was already thinking about death. That was in 2016!! I was such a baby in age back then!!! I was already 23 when I started writing, but compared to today, that's baby age!! That's a baby's age!! 23 is very young!

11:05 PM

Whew I am so freaking tired. I just finished writing a bunch of new journal entries, trying to write about those days on my best recollection that I have.

Today I watched a good amount of this anime called Another. It's this horror anime that I watched the first episode of a few months back, sometime last year. I didn't like it that much, but memories of the first episode came back to me today for some reason, and so I watched it again. What's interesting about this story and it got me really thinking, was that the story takes place in 1998. In the story they keep referring to "26 years ago" which was 1972.

While watching the anime I would just think "so this is what people were like in 1998" and they're basically the same as people today. The main characters of the cast were high schoolers in 1998, and back then they were so young. They were kids at that age, of course. But now I look back on it, and it's 2018 today, and I'm like, dang that was 20 years ago.

Then I thought about how in 1998, while being a student in that age, there were already people who were young and old. In 1998 there were already people in their 80s, like the main character had grandparents in that show who probably in their 70s or 80s. The students had teachers, and the students had parents. But it's 20 years later today. I just imagined those same kids being nearly 40 years old at this point 20 years later, and that most of the elderly in that episode are already dead. The older folks such as the parents and teachers are now in their senior years. I just imagined this completely different world of 1998, and how all those people are older now today.

It doesn't even matter what time you were born in, there are always the young, the middle aged, and the old, no matter what generation, there's always people taking every available role. Even the people in 1972, in which the show kept referring, had kids. Those same kids would be over 40 years old in 1998, and they would be in their senior years today in 2018. That's so messed up and depressing. It's kind of horrific, it's a nightmare. Aging and time passing by is terrifying if one takes time to deeply think about it.

Just two months ago when I was in the Philippines in front of my grandmother's grave, I wasn't thinking like this. I wasn't valuing every second as precious and limited, and I wasn't thinking about my own death or my own aging happening every single day. I was so naive. I think it's very scary how time never stops. The only way to prevent death is to stop time. I wish a moment could be frozen so that death would be forever unreached, but time marches on.

Tomorrow is another day. Everyone else in the world looks forward to tomorrow as something they can't wait for. I look to tomorrow filled with dread, I don't want tomorrow to happen, I want today to stay today forever. I want time to stop moving forever. Just let me live, let me enjoy life, let me be, for all eternity. Why do I have to be born, why do I have to perish? Isn't life a nightmare in this sense? Waking up everyday, putting in effort, slaving away, when I don't have to, when I don't need to, when none of it matters anyway.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Convert March 31st to Present to their own page
February Entries
Add Portfolio Page
Fix Footer
Add About Page
Clean Up Website
Clean Up Desktop
Install Linux VM

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 50
Lines of Code: 10
Calories Consumed: 3000+
Journal Words: 2370
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Video Games – 1:04 AM

1:04 AM – Sleep – 7:04 AM

7:04 AM – Bathroom – 7:14 AM

7:14 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Writing Journal – 7:38 AM

7:38 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 7:51 AM

7:51 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 8:03 AM

8:03 AM – Writing Journal – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Convert March 31st entries onwards to their own page – 9:36 AM

9:36 AM – Break – 9:44 AM

9:44 AM – Writing Journal – 9:49 AM

9:49 AM – February Entries – 9:51 AM

9:51 AM – Writing Journal – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – February Entries – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Break – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Wasting Time – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Writing Journal – 7:37 PM

7:37 PM – Organizing Previous Entries – 8:24 PM

8:24 PM – Writing Journal – 8:40 PM

8:40 PM – Organizing Previous Entries – 8:59 PM

8:59 PM – February Entries – 11:05 PM

11:05 PM – Writing Journal – 11:19 PM

11:19 PM – Break – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:02)
Setting Up Today (0:16)
Writing Journal (0:44)
Cleaning Up Room (0:07)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:06)
Uploading Previous Day's Entries (0:12)
Convert March 31st entries onwards to their own page (1:26)
February Entries (2:10)
Organizing Previous Entries (0:47)

Neutral Hours (7:58)
Sleep (6:00)
Bathroom (0:10)
Break (1:48)

Unproductive Hours (9:39)
Video Games (1:04)
Wasting Time (8:35)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 84
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 16