Thursday, April 5th 2018
Ah. You know, heh.
Maybe a dreamless sleep is like a trial run of what it feels like to be dead for eternity? Last night I had a dreamless sleep, I basically had no conscious motion that I was even asleep, and then all of a sudden I woke up. It was a calm and refreshing feeling though.
Maybe dying is the calmest, most peaceful activity we'll ever experience in our lives, and being dead is the most peaceful feeling of all.
Last night something distracted me before I was able to finish my thought that I was writing at 3 AM in the morning. I was looking at pictures of Steve McQueen the king of cool, born in 1930, died in 1980. Yeah he was born ages ago, nearly a hundred years ago and died before the turn of the century.
I read up on how he died on Wikipedia, he had health complications from asbestos and his smoking habits a year prior to his death, and he would visit other countries in order to find a doctor that could cure him after the ones in the U.S. couldn't. He'd spend over an equivalent of $100,000 a month in today's dollars (it was around $20,000 back then) for doctors and care bills in order to try and live longer. Nothing worked.
He then died in his sleep from a heart attack while holding a bible in his hands that a visitor gave him in the hospital. Rest in peace, Steve McQueen. He wanted to live longer, and put in all his resources to help him. He had hundreds of thousands of fans around the world, and yet he still died. Looking at photos of him while he was alive, he was just a normal guy trying to live his life in what he thought was the best way possible.
Of course the era he lived in was completely different from ours today, I wouldn't know how to survive that well in his era. I wouldn't know what to do or how to act. I just know how to live in my current era with the technology that we have available today.
But it does go to show that we could be dead at any moment. That's not anything close to an overstatement, it's quite literal, we could be dead at any given time. Any day could be our last, and we wouldn't even know because every day feels like just another day. There's nothing special or unique about it, except that it may be our last.
I think while I'm alive I will never be able to accept death, but once I'm dead, I'll gladly embrace it. Life is so short. Life is so temporary. When I'm dead I'll gladly embrace it. No complaints. A peaceful sleep for all eternity. When I die it will be the happiest moment of my life for I'll join the billions of others who went before me.
It will just be unfortunate that the last thoughts I ever have won't be written down. I upload my entries usually only after the day is over, so my entries aren't automatically put up as I'm writing them. This means that I could be in the middle of writing something, I go and experience the day, and then I die, and that means that entry for that day wouldn't have been uploaded. Same with my photos for the day. I think that kinda sucks in a way.
Well, today I'm going to make my bed this morning and clean up my room a little so I can be in charge of today. Let me go do that now.
Alright so I only put in just a few things down in my tasks for the day, so I'm going to continue going through them. The next item to do is to upload my entries from the past few days. This isn't going to take as long as uploading my photos did which took a very long time. Afterwards I'm going to be walking outside, the past 2 days I have been walking were training for this. I am going to walk to the library today which is a good hour and a half walking away, so that will be fun.
Afterwards when I get back home it looks like I'll be working on the homepage of the site, and then working on the journals page. Whew.
Also I have cleaned up my room already and it's looking nice and clean. I also put away my other computer, which is a year older than my current computer's model and that has its hinge falling apart. I put it in the closet, it's the computer I have been watching anime on and watching pornography on. I have never watched any anime or porn on my present computer, so without that other computer, I'm not able to do those kinds of activities anymore. That other computer, which I'll call my 2012 PC (this one I guess is my 2017 PC since I got it last year, I think, I don't even remember. Yeah it looks like I purchased this on August 3rd 2017 and it arrived a few days to around a week later), has a lot of problems today.
First the entire hinge of the machine broke, so it cannot stand up on its own because it will fall either backwards or forwards. Not only that, the hinge was not just simply broken, but taken out of its slot, so it's basically this 'floating' monitor not attached to anything, that has all this metal and wires visible jotting out from underneath the monitor. The wires are the only thing that keep it attached to the PC, and the wires are fairly short, so if I pull or tug at it hard enough, the wires would be yanked from their soldered slots on the board and the monitor would cease to function.
I have not closed the laptop lid in forever, I've always just propped it open with something behind it, like I would place it in front of a wall so that it leaned on the wall, or in front of one of the legs of my desk while I used it lying down on my stomach. Today though while cleaning up my room, I noticed that it was not a good sight, so I closed the lid slowly, trying to make sure not to disconnect the wires, and closed the computer, it bulged upwards slightly as the hinges from the back push it up and it was not closed completely flat. Afterwards I opened it again and turned it on again to make sure the monitor worked still, and then I closed it and opened it again and turned it on again to make sure once more that it still worked.
After that I turned it off for the last time in who knows, and I placed it in my closet. Despite being the same size as my current laptop, it felt a little bit heavier which was strange. This laptop is only two years older (2013 model) versus that computer's 2012 model. If you're asking why I'm using a 5 year old computer, it's because this machine is upgraded with the maxed out parts of its day, so it's literally still a very powerful computer, with 32GB of ram, 2-5 drive slots which can store any amount of terabytes I can afford (the number depends on what you count, there's 2 standard hard drive slots, one extra if the disc drive were replaced, there's the mSata slot, and an SD card slot which can be used as a drive slot as well), it has a 2.7ghz quad core processor (which is pretty blazing fast even by today's standards) with a built in CPU graphics card, and it has an Nvidia discrete graphics card as well with 2gb of vram. Pretty freaking cool for a 2013 computer aye? Yeah I love this machine, although I definitely don't use it to its full potential.
I need to run more VMs and do more video editing on this thing. That's the reason I got it with this kind of powerful processor and graphics card in the first place. My purpose was that the powerful processor would be for VMs and the graphics card is for video editing and publishing (it can be for video games too and 3d graphics but I don't do those things). So yeah.
Anyway I keep babbling. Time to actually start on uploading my entries for the day so I can take a walk outside. You know, I'm still somehow afraid of death, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's what every living creature will eventually go through. There's no way I can stop it. I realize that every day going to sleep and waking up again, is just the steady progression towards that one fateful day when I die.
Living in my time period, is it the best? I don't know. Would I rather not have existed than to have existed temporarily? I don't know. I think I'm leaning on never having existed though. I mean, why me? Why was I born? I didn't ask for this. In a way, to those that never wanted to be, being alive is like being in hell. Maybe the reason we are alive is because we did something spiritually wrong in whatever life essence we existed from, and as punishment we're now to live as mortals to experience pain, suffering, and then death, and perhaps rebirth to repeat the cycle over again, not carrying memories of our previous lives or species. Maybe we'd be reborn on a different planet as an insect of that plnaet.
Last night I had a hard time going to sleep, I tried to stay awake for as long as possible because I feared I'd never wake up again. Would I rather die asleep or die awake? I think I'd rather die awake, I'd rather experience it firsthand, and I wouldn't be experiencing that while I'm unconscious, would I? At the same time though, in death, it's all the same anyway. It really doesn't matter one second after I'm dead, whether I died awake or if I died asleep, but if I had to choose my way to go, I'd go away surrounded by loved ones, hugging them in my arms as I passed.
I love my parents. They mean a lot to me. I hug them every day when I can. I hug my dad everywhere and he often tells me to get off after a few seconds. My mom doesn't like to be hugged that often and she gets irritated when I do, so I don't hug her as much but still probably do at least once a week. I know my parents too won't be around forever, and I'll most likely outlive both of them, so I'll be alive to experience both their deaths. Isn't that a nightmare?
I wish I could just hug them in my arms forever, and I'd be okay dying peacefully that way. Everything else in the world matters little compared to that. I'd give away all the money I have, all the possessions I have, everything I ever owned, everything I am, to be with my parents forever. I really love and cherish them. I'm not as close to anyone else as I am with them.
I know I'm going to have to find a girlfriend eventually and get into a relationship so that I can have someone new to hug, and so that I can finally have sex for the first time, but there's no one I really like that much. Everyone is so different from me, and the people I actually did like, they all did not like me back. It's always felt like it was futile no matter how much effort I would put in, so in the end I chose to abstain from girls and women as I'd put way too much effort in and not get much return back.
It's paradoxical because I also don't want to live a solitary life. I don't want to be alone just by myself the entire time once my parents are gone, but I know that no matter how much effort I put in I will end up losing and end up heartbroken. So why even try at all? The older I get, the older the women of my generation get, which means the less attractive they'll become, the less effort I want to spend in pursuing them.
So basically I should find a girlfriend now while there's still a viable pool of attractive women to choose from, because one day we'll all be old. It's all so paradoxical. I don't think any women has ever been attracted to me although I've talked to hundreds and have hit on hundreds, everyone says no in one way or another. I'm not trying to sound depressing, that's just been how it is from my experience.
Oh wait, I'm actually lying. I've been on a few dates and at least three of them were interested in me. I'm pretty much the one that said no to them in the end. Still, why did I stop dating? I don't know, I guess I just gave up. I also don't have a job right now so I don't have any income and dating isn't one of my active concerns. I have my website to work on and weight to lose.
Ah. That was a good entry. I wrote my heart out. Since it's getting late, I really need to start preparing to walk outside and I'll upload my entries once I come back.
I'm still in shock and disbelief at it all, knowing that it's all going to come to an end someday. I spent some time with my mom watching a movie together, and we enjoyed it. I then looked out the window and when we started it was bright and sunny outside, now it was dark and getting darker. I stared outside and was filled with dread, I went up to my mom and told her I hated growing older, and she said that there was nothing I could do about that, everyone grows old and everyone dies.
It's not fun. Why did I have to be born?
Waah. There's everyone I can relate to. I just hugged my mom for 2-3 minutes. It doesn't matter how long it was, it felt like it wasn't enough. I thought about the time in 8th grade for some reason I slept in my parent's bed. I was 14 at the time. That was 10 years ago.
I just imagined that if I were 14 again, I would be running around screaming "wow I'm so young! I'm 14!" and I would hug my dad and tell him he was so young as well, and tell the same thing to my mom. Then I would be so happy for life and be so glad for it, because I knew I was still young, I would be in my teens.
Shit. This reminds me of when I was playing World of Warcraft and I think it was already 2008 or 2009, but I was in a party going through this instance that you had to swim underwater to get to in Burning Crusade. Ah, I looked it up, it's called the Serpentshrine Cavern in Zangarmarsh. Anyway, in this instance, I remember I was just starting out in high school, so maybe I was 14 or 15, I think it was just before I would turn 15, and someone in the group asked how old everyone was.
I don't know anyone else's answer, but I remember saying my age, I said either 14 or 15, and one person responded with "Ah, so you're a young pup" and I actually didn't accept it at all. I rejected his opinion and thought instead that I was already old, since I was one of the oldest people in the class (my birthday was on the same month that school started, and some other students had birthdays 11 months later than mine, so in comparison to that I felt old, which didn't make sense in retrospect).
A few years ago when I was 22, I joined this LAN party in real life and most of the people there were older. One of the people I was becoming friends with and getting to know asked me how old I was, and I told them guess, and they guessed me at 31 or 26 and so on, and then when I said I was 22, they said the same thing, "oh you're so young" but, and this was stupid of me a second time, I rejected his opinion as well! I was super young back then at 22, but I disagreed!
Well here is a fact of life today. I am 24, and I am young. I accept that I am young. I know that I am young. Therefore I'm going to spend my time in the best way that I can. I'm going to take advantage of every moment of my life. I'm not going to live in doubt or denial or regret any longer. The future is ahead of me and there's an invisible wall constantly pushing me towards it. Along the way I can do anything I want to do except push the wall back or stop the wall from pushing me. I can move anywhere, I can do anything, but the wall keeps on pushing. There's another invisible wall up ahead that the past wall is pushing me towards, although I cannot see it, when I touch this wall, I will be crushed and I will die. That's when I know my life is over, and I wouldn't even know my life was over.
You know, I lived life so completely differently when I never thought of death in front of me before. I would live life and I would do things I don't actually care about. Why did I sabotage myself? Honestly, what do I care about anything else, other than my own mortality? Nothing compares. Why is it such a taboo subject no one talks about?
I've actually been stressed out by stupid things before, and everything is stupid compared to meeting one's end, it didn't make sense in hindsight. Why was I such a fool? Why was I such a coward? Damn it all.
I'm going to play a video game to relax a little. I am feeling very, very stressed out in confronting my own mortality. I know I'm young, today. This is temporary. I really need to do the best with my time because I don't have a second chance, and I won't have a second chance. But at the same time I feel like I need to relax... well... maybe not...
I'm going to limit myself to just one game. Then I'm quitting and not playing it again until tomorrow and until all my work is done for tonight. I should have 3 hours then to do my tasks that I still need to get done for the day, and I think that's more than enough time to get that kind of work done.
So here we go. Playing one game. I wish I wasn't so alone in the world though.
That was fun although unrewarding. I played Dota 2 and played the WTF mode. I'm such a noob so I got destroyed. I don't even know what to do or where to begin, I just like choosing a hero, killing the creeps for gold, and buying items that I think are good. I don't know any strategy or anything like that which is why I always get destroyed. Fun game though.
I'm now going to work on uploading all my entries that I haven't uploaded recently.
I finally did it. I uploaded my entries! I've had this task on my task list for days on end now, and I have repeatedly procrastinated on it. Today that changed, I actually did it! Woohoo! It feels really good to do this.
I'm still saddened and depressed about getting older and dying. I don't know. This might be a feeling that will never go away. I'm trying to live life in the moment, trying to do my best, even with this knowledge of my coming doom. I say it's not easy.
Maybe I'm just lonely? Maybe I need some friends, I need a relationship. Oh yeah, while walking today, I recalled how I mentioned just three girls who had ever been interested in me, well two more came to mind, and that makes five! Five girls that liked me not just in a platonic way, out of hundreds. At least that's better than zero. What can I even do about it?
Time to start working on the index page of the website. I want to upload it before the end of tonight, so that way I can have the prototype of my site up and ready.
Yay I did it. I basically just uploaded the website and what I had currently. I hacked together the Journals and "All Journals" page, and uploaded it online. It looks so broken right now because there are tons of links that don't work, and there's so much wrong with the website.
Anyway, I was just uploading it. Now that I have worked on it, I'm going to go back to playing some video games. I'm really tired and sleepy too now btw. Really tired and sleepy.
Upload Previous Days' Photos Upload Previous Days' Journal Entries Exercise Finish Homepage Finish Journals Page Create "All Journals" (all journals except most recent ones) Archive Page
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Steps Taken: 8140
Lines of Code: 20
Calories Consumed: 2400
Journal Words: 3634
12:00 AM – Taxes – 12:28 AM
12:28 AM – Break – 12:58 AM
12:58 AM – Setting Up Today - 1:05 AM
1:05 AM – Thinking – 2:05 AM
2:05 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 3:09 AM
3:09 AM – Writing Journal – 3:10 AM
3:10 AM – Resting – 3:40 AM
3:40 AM – Sleep – 8:59 AM
8:59 AM – Bathroom – 9:10 AM
9:10 AM – Preparing Food – 9:14 AM
9:14 AM – Distraction – 9:24 AM
9:24 AM – Writing Journal – 9:26 AM
9:26 AM – Preparing Food – 9:30 AM
9:30 AM – Writing Journal – 9:50 AM
9:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 10:24 AM
10:24 AM – Preparing Food – 10:29 AM
10:29 AM – Eating Food (Beans and Rice) – 10:50 AM
10:50 AM – Watching Videos – 11:24 AM
11:24 AM – Writing Journal – 12:10 PM
12:10 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:25 PM
12:25 PM – Walking Outside – 1:42 PM
1:42 PM – Break – 2:42 PM
2:42 PM – Watching Videos – 3:52 PM
3:52 PM – Studying – 4:52 PM
4:52 PM – Napping – 5:22 PM
5:22 PM – Spending Time with Family – 7:31 PM
7:31 PM – Writing Journal – 7:36 PM
7:36 PM – Bathroom – 7:50 PM
7:50 PM – Spending Time with Family – 8:00 PM
8:00 PM – Writing Journal – 8:23 PM
8:23 PM – Playing Video Game – 8:58 PM
8:58 PM – Writing Journal – 9:00 PM
9:00 PM – Pondering – 9:07 PM
9:07 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 9:39 PM
9:39 PM – Writing Journal – 9:47 PM
9:47 PM – Working on Website – 9:55 PM
9:55 PM – Distraction – 10:55 PM
10:55 PM – Working on Website – 11:17 PM
11:17 PM – Writing Journal – 11:19 PM
11:19 PM – Playing Video Game – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (7:07)
Setting Up Today (0:07)
Writing Journal (1:37)
Cleaning Up Room (0:34)
Walking Outside (1:17)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:32)
Working on Website (0:30)
Neutral Hours (7:11)
Thinking (mainly about death) (1:00)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (1:04)
Preparing Food (0:13)
Eating Food (0:21)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:15)
Spending Time with Family (2:19)
Unproductive Hours (4:09)
Watching Videos (1:44)
Playing Video Game (1:15)
Web Development: 83