Wednesday, April 4th 2018
"Today is the day I finally change myself, the day I don't do any bad habits, the day I start doing only productive things", I've said to myself many times over the past week alone. Every single 'new day' was supposed to be the day my life would change. It never happened.
Well I'm now saying to myself the same thing about today, that today will be that new day I've always been waiting for, the day I've always hoped for. The day that my life will change, the day that I don't waste my time, the day that I do all the things I've procrastinated on. That day is today. I'm going to make today my reality day.
I'm going to fight every urge I have to procrastinate or work on some other tasks, no matter how strong the pull. There is a very strong pull on me right now, this very second, for me not to work and instead do something else. The pull is so strong for me to open up a new webpage to look at something even though I know it will have no effect on my life, in fact a detrimental effect, but I fight every urge to resist it. It will not be helpful, it will not be useful, no matter how much I think it will be. I will have to avoid doing any self-destructive habits. I will destroy myself and my being if I fall to my urges.
Yesterday was a waste of a day, but yesterday is gone now. In its place is today, a brand new refreshing day in which I woke up early enough to still be able to experience most of it.
Today is a new day. I will make the most of today.
Whew. Just got back home. I left a little later than yesterday and I wanted to get home before 2 PM, so I power walked as fast as I could the entire way.
I've talked about death with several people already, I've talked about death and how the present moment should be deeply cherished, and how the future is unknown and what we make for ourselves. Throughout each of these conversations, it was the present moment. It felt so real and vivid, like that moment would never disappear, that the future was still far away, and the future was still unknown and unknowable.
Now is that future. Three years ago it was hard for me to imagine what 2018 would be like, and it's here, right now. Right now I have a hard time imagining what 2021 would be like, but I'm sure it will be here before I realize it. I know it will take approximately 3 years to get to three years, that there's no way to speed up time, and three years feels like a long time from now, but it all happens too fast. Everything happens too fast.
The past felt so 'futuristic' because of all the new things that were new at the time. Now those 'new' things are established today, and today feels even more futuristic than before. It's surreal how the present moment feels. It feels like "right now" is right now, and it will forever always be right now. I know it's 2018, but today feels like the same exact day exactly one year ago. A lot has changed and a lot has happened since then, but it still feels the same.
The more I think about death the more I think about how much it sucks. Is my life experience even real? Because when I die, it's as if none of this even happened. It's as if I didn't even happen. I wouldn't have any recollection of it, any thought, any idea, about who I was. Is it alright to think of every present moment as the 'present'? Would it be more appropriate to think about every moment as 'the past' from the perspective of having already died and no longer existing?
On my walk today three out of five people I encountered greeted me. They all asked me "How are you?" they each brought a smile to my face as I greeted them back, just saying "hey" or "hi" as I walked pass them. They were so nice.
I want to be able to live forever so I can experience as much of life as I can, but I know that's not going to happen. The more I think about death, the more I want to escape it. It brings a permanent end to a temporary existence. Every moment is so precious as they're all unique to our present time and condition. Every individual, animal, tree, life, is precious because they're only alive in this present moment with us, greeting and experience today with us, one day they'll be dead too.
It doesn't matter if it's a scary spider or a disgusting insect alive with us, we're all the same, no creature wants to die. That's why I feel so much for every living creature today that dies through no fault of their own. Every single creature is an individual, no matter how similarly they look or act or feel like another, they're two separate individual entities experiencing life at the same time.
I like to look at the trees and understand that they are also individual beings, each trying to survive in their own way. They may not be able to see, hear, feel, or touch like we animals can, but they're alive in their own way. They're like immobile creatures silently living on with no consciousness or idea that they're even alive, but I can hug one and feel their life force just the same.
I still find it hard to believe that I'll be gone someday. Just the fact that I won't be able to experience being anymore, is a scary thought. It's a very scary idea. Dying is just like time passing by, it's inevitable no matter how much we try and stop it. When I used to go to school, when I was going to college, that was the present at the time. That was it. That was the moment, that was the latest and greatest moment in history, no other moments existed ahead of it.
That stuff is all literally in the past now. How can I come to believe that? Every moment of my life that I can remember, I can replay in my head over and over, but I can't change any of the outcomes that occurred. I can't change any of those moments or days or reactions from others or reactions from myself. Why does it all have to end so quickly?
I'm always surprised about how well done some works of the past are. The thing is though, we're all born in a time period that is superior to the past time periods, so therefore we think our work is that much grander and heroic today. That's an incorrect assumption to make though as we're all born in a world where we don't know what the possibilities are. Looking at buildings of the past, writings, art, music, programs, and so on, they're all impressive because humans are able to accomplish excellence no matter what time period they're in and no matter what kinds of tools they may have.
Sure 10 years ago we didn't have X technology, but although with more difficulty, people ten years ago were still able to produce great works just fine without it. Just like how today we don't have Y, this Y being something very great that exists 10 years in the future and it helps out and improves all progress in Z field miraculously, today we can still build great things.
I find it nearly impossible actually that we can't build anything that we want to today. With enough training and practice, anything is possible in today's modern era. Of course, that's limited to what I can imagine. I don't know about QZFY technology (a technology in the future) or what it can accomplish for example, but with whatever we have today I find it harder to imagine something we can't do than what we can do.
Sure we can't live forever, or go to mars in one second, but within reasonable limitations, we can do and accomplish anything we set our mind to.
So yeah I guess when I'm dead none of my experiences will even matter. None of this matters. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I think I get it. I'm afraid of death because I think I exist. From a future perspective of a hundred years from today, I'm no longer here. In calculus terms, the amount of time that will exist after my existence will approach infinity, while the amount of time where I exist in is a constant, in limits a constant divided by a number approaching infinity is rounded to zero. In conclusion, my time being alive is so inconsequential compared to the greater amount of time where I'm not alive, that it's as if I'm already not here.
So, I already don't exist. I've never been, and I never was. Who can prove it anyway? Not me. I'm no longer here.
But there's still that issue – 'but my time alive is a constant, which means it's still there', but again, compared to a number approaching infinity (the amount of time where I don't exist), it's zero. Zero. Non-existent.
Since in death it's as if I never were, what's the point of me constantly using "I" or "me"? I no longer believe that I exist, I no longer think there is a "me". Whatever I am, it's not actually me. I'm really just a functioning mass of billions of different kinds of cells combining together to make a giant being and every individual part of my body has cells that play their part and do what they're individually supposed to do. My hand for example doesn't have cells that specialize in talking or tasting or seeing, the cells in that region are not intended for that purpose. They're just there to be hand cells, and somehow it's beneficial for them to obey the conscious thinking part of their host body.
If I want my hand to move somewhere, I only will it through a conscious thought. Any possible action my hands can perform, they perform as I will it. Every part of my body responds to the brain, what I think of as 'me'. However, it's still not really me, it's just billions of intelligent cells combining together to make thoughts and synapses, firing chemicals, transferring energy, exchanging sensations, and so on, in order to make it function like it does.
In reality I'm not really me, I'm just a brain that's a part of this body. Every other cell in this body however, is connected to me, and obeys what I tell them to do, whether it's the right decision or not, whether it's the best decision or not, they trust that what I tell them to do is the right command to obey to ensure their longevity. I could take drugs to make me feel high which won't benefit any other parts of the body in any way, or I could even harm myself, and my body parts would just obey letting anything I wish be done even if it were self-harming.
There is a syndrome called alien hand syndrome where one hand or both would act individually on their own, without the brain controlling it. I know that the hands are actually controlled by muscles in the arm, and the hands themselves wouldn't have any capacity to just move on their own, so it's more like the entire arm itself is moving on its own.
We also don't really have much control of what we do because we're just a body of habits. Everything that we do in a day is basically boiled down to habits and past behaviors. The reason why we automatically scratch something once it itches, or why our handwriting is hard to change, is because of habit. Everything is already automatic, this is why people have chairs they always sit in, bed positions they always lie in, eat the same foods, smoke the same things, watch the same things, they do things they always perform always, because it's all habit.
The brain wants to minimize thinking as much as possible, so whenever we do something a few times (I think it's 30-90 days), we're bound to do it again and again no matter how difficult or useless it is, but the more difficult the task the harder it is to do it for 30 days straight so usually we don't do things like that.
Anyway, that I think is enough writing for today. I'm going to upload my previous days' photos since it's been a while since I did that. Wish me luck. This is going to take me more than an hour I think, since I have like 2 weeks of non-uploaded photos to go through. YEAH.
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Web Development (5 Hours)
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Steps Taken: 7115
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 2198
12:00 – Sleep – 7:06 AM
7:06 AM – Dishes – 7:33 AM
7:33 AM – Planning Today – 7:45 AM
7:45 AM – Writing Journal – 7:54 AM
7:54 AM – Finances – 8:10 AM
8:10 AM – Taxes – 11:49 AM
11:49 AM – Eating Food – 12:20 PM
12:20 PM – Brushing Teeth – 12:27 PM
12:27 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:37 PM
12:37 PM – Walking Outside – 1:41 PM
1:41 PM – Writing Journal – 1:42 PM
1:42 PM – Break – 2:42 PM
2:42 PM – Watching Anime – 3:28 PM
3:28 PM – Thinking – 3:37 PM
3:37 PM – Writing Journal – 4:21 PM
4:21 PM – Resting – 5:21 PM
5:21 PM – Living – 10:10 PM
10:10 PM – Writing Journal – 10:45 PM
10:45 PM – Setting Up – 10:54 PM
10:54 PM – Taxes – 11:59 PM
Productive Hours (7:29)
Planning Today (0:12)
Writing Journal (0:54)
Neutral Hours (14:53)
Eating Food (0:31)
Brushing Teeth (0:07)
Unproductive Hours (0:46)
Watching Anime (0:46)
Web Development: 83