All the Time in the World

Tuesday, February 20th 2018

7:19 AM

This will be my first journal entry that I upload online to, a website I started nearly 10 years ago when I was 15 years old, as a freshman in high school on February 15th 2009. For around 5 the years that I worked on it, went from 0 visitors a day, to 200 visitors a day, to 2000, to at its peak, over 100,000 visitors a day.

I think the most in one day was over 200,000, but I don't remember the exact numbers and I no longer have access to those old visitor logs. used to be one of the top 100,000 websites on the Internet according to worldwide traffic.

Sometime in 2015, I stopped maintaining and updating this website. I changed webhosts at one point and wanted to delete all the website files and start again from scratch. I ended up deleting all the website files (they're still archived somewhere), but since recreating the site would take more effort, I didn't bother starting the website from scratch again. became an empty domain. It became just a blank white page and its visitor count dropped to zero, and it was like that for around 3 years until today when I decided to update it again by turning it into my personal journaling and portfolio website. Website traffic competition is a lot tougher these days than it was in 2009, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to get that placement back again, but I sure will try.

For my daily journal entries, it's currently Day 485, that's how many days so far I've been writing this series of daily journal entries. My first series I actually started back in 10th grade during my last few days of being a 15 year old, and I kept it up for a few years until I was a bit over 19 years old. I'm not sure why I ever stopped, but I kept all my writing in a single word document that spanned well over 1000 pages (I think it was single spaced but I don't remember for sure). Actually I just checked, and that old journal was split into two files, and in total spanned 948 pages with a mix of both double and single spacing (it was mainly double spaced).

Then just around a year and a half ago (485 days to be exact) I decided to start a daily journal again, and wrote one daily ever since (although I admit I would skip some days and I would end up going back and writing them). This is the first journal entry I'm uploading to, because the time felt appropriate.

8:13 AM

All the time in the world. That's what I have right now. I'm unemployed and don't have a thing to do. I'm a blank slate, I don't know anything, almost literally. I don't have any skills and haven't accomplished or created anything during the past couple of years. Formerly I was a jack of all trades, I knew a little bit about everything; I did web page development both front and back end, I created apps and games, I recorded and edited videos, I wrote articles and stories, pretty much whatever.

Nowadays my skill in these fields are so general they're basically useless in today's society, and I've mainly forgotten everything. This is what happens when you don't use your skills for several years. I barely remember anything about web page development, I no longer know how to make any apps or games and don't remember how (although my apps are still available online in the iOS store), I can still record and edit videos but that's something you never forget, and I can still write articles and stories because I've worked on my writing daily with these journal entries.

I'm 24. I don't know how to draw, I don't remember any math, I don't remember how to program. I've never been in a relationship. I don't have a degree. I have no skills or abilities that will help me in this modern society. I'm also overweight. I'm pretty much broke. I have shitty eyesight. Two of my relatives just died this month, one just less than a week ago and just three days after I last saw him. I have zero visitors to this site.

I'm starting from nothing and with nothing. There's no better way to start a story.

8:33 AM

I do have a plan however, and it's this really powerful advantage. I have all the free time in the world. I have no duties or responsibilities, I just have time and I can choose to do anything I want with it. Unfortunately one of my weaknesses and the reason why the old stopped getting updated, the reason why I stopped my first series of journal entries for several years, the reason why I forgot everything including all my skills, and the reason why I basically haven't done shit with my life; is that I procrastinate and I lose interest.

You know what I did the past few days? Nothing. I stayed at home, watched anime, ate food, slept. Wasted my time. I was actually in the Philippines for the past 2 weeks for my grandmother's wake ceremony and funeral, and 4 days ago was my first day back in the States. During the 25+ hours of plane flight home, I imagined myself becoming an extremely productive and hardworking person, reading and studying, and accomplishing so much for the opportunity to live in this first world country. Instead, I did nothing the past 4 days.

The time just went by and I wasted every second. I actually lie down on the floor to use my computer, so literally for the past 4 days I just lied on the floor in front of a screen, watching anime. I wish I were joking. I can never retrieve those 4 days back. I didn't read or study or do anything at all worthwhile. That's how much I procrastinate and that's how skilled I am at it. I used to have a job before my unemployment, and I worked really hard, I wasn't lazy at all, because it was my responsibility to get the work done.

At home though, being the leader of my life, there's no pressure for me to do anything, so I don't do anything. What's the point? Just kidding. Of course now that I've started this journal entry and uploaded it online, I'm forced to do something. This is the journal entry of the adventures of someone who has all the time in the world to do anything. I want to take advantage of this time.

My sleep schedule is a bit messed up so I might take a nap and/or go to sleep right now.

9:03 PM

It's 9:03 PM now, I woke up at around 7 PM, I fell asleep for nearly 12 hours. The past two hours I've been wasting my time.

9:15 PM

I'm having dinner now, it's beans and rice with some flaxseed, and a vegan patty for flavoring. Without the patty my meal would be around 25 cents, if I was just having beans and rice. With the patty, it's more like 80 cents. Yeah the patty is expensive and unnecessary, but my dad buys it for himself and he eats it, but I'm having some because it's extra flavor.

I'm going to watch Scott H Young's TedX talk about getting an MIT education for $2000.

9:40 PM

I'm going to be keeping a timelog now. From the video, I learned that it helps improves productivity by a lot.

10:06 PM

Yeah. This is why I need a timelog. I just spent the past 26 minutes watching YouTube videos. I'll put the timelog at the bottom of this journal entry. I'll do it in this format:

Start Time - Activity - End Time

And there we go, I added the current time, and once I finish this activity, I'll end the time, and write down the next time and what I'm doing next. Okay so I want to learn how to draw, I want to relearn math, and I want to relearn how to manage websites and recreate them. I also want to lose weight. I'm going to take pictures of myself tonight and upload them online here, they'll just be what I look like from today's starting point.

For drawing, I'm going to be reading this book called "Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain" which I'm not sure where it is. I'm going to go looking for it.

10:16 PM

Okay I'm back. I was able to find the book and a bunch of drawing material I have, some erasers, and colored pencils, and my drawing notebook. So that's there, organized into one neat pile. There's my drawing out of the way and ready when I want to.

Now I also have web development work to do, and it's been over 36 hours since I last replied, so I'm going to get back to my client now.

10:37 PM

I took a break for way too long. I basically talked to my dad for a while, did some web browsing, watched some YouTube videos, and just overall dawdled.

11:59 PM

I took photos of my face and my body. I also put up some new pictures onto Instagram. I'm going to be putting up my daily photos on Instagram again, and this website too, just so I can keep track of myself, how I look, etc.

Time Log

10:07 PM – Writing Journal – 10:10 PM

10:10 PM – Looking for the Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain book – 10:12 PM

10:12 PM – Looking for drawing materials – 10:16 PM

10:16 PM – Writing Journal – 10:18 PM

10:18 PM – Web Development Work for Client – 11:00 PM

11:00 PM – Break – 11:37 PM

11:37 PM – Writing Journal – 11:37 PM

11:37 PM – Wasting Time – 11:41 PM

11:41 PM – Taking Photos – 11:59 PM

11:59 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Wednesday, February 21st 2018

12:13 AM

I was wasting time again. Time to upload my photos online.

12:33 AM

It didn't actually take me 20 minutes to just write a description and upload the photos. I admit I did some unnecessary web browsing during that time period too. I've been awake for a few hours now and so far haven't done anything yet. I'm going to go out for a walk tonight to get my daily exercise in. Just a small amount of walking.

First I need to change my clothes and get other things I need.

2:41 AM

It took me nearly 30 minutes to remove a callus from my foot? Geez that time is over an episode of any anime. Anyway, I'm hungry so I'm going to prepare some food and eat.

3:14 AM

I really just played GTA V for maybe a minute or two, because the loading times for the game took forever, before quitting. I didn't even do anything, I just spawned in the game, I walked around, didn't even get into my car, and then I quit. I uninstalled the game. I realized that this would be a waste of time and I wouldn't get anything from it, so I quit.

3:23 AM

I'm now going to work on and uploading my first journal entry online. It's going to be a portfolio but I want to just upload a simple web page to begin with. It will literally be a blank white page with just text on it, and then possibly pictures at the bottom. I'm going to have to come up with a way to better format it later on.

8:43 AM

Wait it's 8:43 AM already?! Yeah I spent the past five hours doing absolutely nothing. I didn't get anything done. Nothing. I downloaded VS Code and was installing it, then it said I didn't have GIT installed, so I went and installed that. Then I just browsed the Internet for several hours, reading, looking at memes, watching videos. The time can really go by quickly, and this time log helps me keep track of it all.

8:48 AM

In order to cook beans you first have to soak them for 8 hours in water, then empty out the water to get rid of the contaminants, and then you can cook the beans. They don't actually take 4 minutes to soak, but I got distracted, I also used the bathroom, talked to my dad for a while, accidentally used the Internet again for a while, before remembering I had to do other things.

Yeah, I still have to upload my first journal entry onto the website. First I have to set up VS Code though.

11:11 AM

Nice, it works! It converts a regular word document like this journal entry, into a workable html page. I just have to make sure the Time Log is displayed properly too at the end.

11:19 AM

Nice! It outputs a very workable HTML page that just has the entire journal entry just like how it is in my word document. You can pretty much just upload this HTML document online and it would work properly. I think I'll do that now actually. Let me ponder it for a second to see if it's ready.

Yeah, it looks ready. I'm going to just upload this file as the index.html for for now and will update it with pictures later.

11:59 AM

Done! I'm proud. It looks nice. It's literally just a blank text document on the website. That's it. Just this blank HTML document with nothing on it except for this bland little journal entry. It's literally a white page with a bunch of text on it. There's no styling or anything, but it still looks nice.

I'm going to work on adding the template design and other things to it in time. For now, this is good. Photos and images need to be added too. Also my script is pretty much shit in the way it's organized. It's been a while (possibly longer than a year, I can't even recall the last thing I worked on) since I last programmed anything and it took a while to getting used to again today, but I had fun getting into it again.

1:14 PM

Well I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I had too many questions in my mind that I had to look up online, not to mention that my windows are open and it's a bright and sunny day outside and the light is pouring into my room. But mainly I kept thinking about death again and how it was eternal, death is a recurring theme in my journals and something I write about often.

I'm afraid to die because I can't control when I die. It would be so much easier if I could just press a button – here, I'm ready to die today, I've said my goodbyes, I've done all I wanted to do, so now I want to just die – and choose to die whenever. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We have no idea when we'll die, and we don't know how much pain we'll go through. Most people today die in the hospital, usually in pain, usually from sickness that can't be cured.

Why can't they just be given the option to die if they wanted to? I looked it up and you can't even choose when to die yourself. You have to die slowly and painfully, and you have to pay the medical bills for them keeping you barely alive in the hospital. That's immoral. I want to be given the option to die when I want, on my own terms, at anytime, even today, even right now. I don't want to live to an old age just to be sick, unable to do anything, and just be barely alive for no reason. That's suffering.

It would be even more painful for me to realize that my family and loved ones would be left with a large bill to pay, and they have to pay for a funeral to conduct. Then they would be completely unprepared for it all. They don't know that, oh hey, this is this person's last moments alive, we better get ready and say our last words and everything, possibly bring them home or wheel them around to where they want to go. No. You stay in the hospital, barely alive, paying the bills, then you die.

I think that should be something we all vote for. The option to die whenever we want. Why do we want to prevent suicide? Why is there even such thing as suicide prevention? What the fuck? Reading differing opinions online, people say it's legally to allow cops to stop a suicide from happening, and it's also possibly because the church deemed it as a sin to commit suicide and therefore it was historically outlawed.

Man. There's no point in life at all. Zero. Your existence, my existence, it doesn't matter. We all die someday and nothing matters. It's a terrible "modern" society that we live in today where you can't even choose to end your life at any moment if you wanted to. I mean seriously, what's the point of getting old, only to just die later...? What's the point of getting older, each second literally a second closer to your death?

I'm not going to be this age forever, not even close. I'll be 24 for a very finite amount of time, just a year in total in fact, and I've already gone through around half of my year already. How must it feel to be 40+ right now? At 40+ to know that you're most likely over the halfway point of your life. At 24 I'm already thinking about death, and how inevitable it is. Every day is literally just one day closer to dying. I can prolong my life by being healthy and doing health building activities, but there's nothing I can do about the inevitability of my life ending at some point.

So, why are we imprisoned in this life? If we all know that we're all going to die at some point in time, and once that happens, it's as if nothing we did ever mattered, why aren't we just given the option to end it at any moment? I would love that option. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, I don't want to kill myself right now, but for the future, I might just want to have that option.

Oh yeah, death is a scary place. I've gone through nearly an entire course on death, on how different religions and cultures view death, I have several books on death, I've read through first hand experiences on death happening right in front of them, I've had first hand experience of death of some of my pets myself, and so on. I'm deeply fascinated and mesmerized by death. It's something I think about often, something I've done a lot of reading and study on, it's something I know a good amount of, a lot more than most people, which is ridiculous because it's something that happens to all of us.

What most people think is "Ah, my religion told me this is what happens when you die" and so that's all they believe. It's as if to them, no other religion exists in the world, and that theirs is the only one. Today there's five main "big" religions, but there's still hundreds of tiny follower religions that exist today, and tens of thousands that existed throughout human history. From studying different cultures and religions, literally every religion has a different story and interpretation on what happens in death.

What really annoys me the most is the humancentrism of some religions, so now not only do a lot of people think that only their religion exists (or they do understand that other religions exist, but somehow are deluded into thinking theirs is right and everyone else's is wrong, not to mention the existence of "dead" religions that used to have tens of millions of followers like the Ancient Greek and Roman religion or Aztec religions, and these guys also thought their religion was right), but now only humans are the only living creatures. Because in some of these religions, oh if you die then you either go to heaven or hell, but if this animal dies then nothing happens to them. Why? Well because God says so.

Wait wait wait, so humans are made of mud and dirt, and we all come from Adam and Eve who talked to a snake and the reason why death and all bad things exists is because Eve took a bite from an apple, the reason why different languages exist is because they made a tower so big that it angered god who then blew up that tower and split everyone up into different languages, and there's so many other stories that are so ridiculous they're funny, and people actually believe this stuff.

It's like the skeptical lightbulb is turned off in some people's heads, because people literally dedicate their entire lives to a work of fiction, literally entire schools with thousands of people enrolled dedicate their entire teachings to these stories. Literally people give away millions of dollars for free to their religion for no reason other than to keep the religion going, despite religions having a history of executing people who made scientific discoveries that contradicted its teachings. I wish I were joking.

Anyway, my main annoyance with some religions is that they're humancentric, as if no other animals or creatures are alive in this world. It's ridiculous. Oh, yeah, we go to heaven or hell, but animals, hmm. They don't have souls. Yeah. We have souls because we're special, but apes, elephants, hmmm.... Nope. Just humans... Oh yeah, me saying only humans have souls has nothing to do with me being a human and me preferring my own species over any other. If another alien race far superior to humans in every way shows up, ooh, they don't have souls, and they weren't made in God's image, like humans were, soooo they won't be in hell or heaven either, nope. Just humans.

Fuck religion.

8:28 PM

I just woke up. I have homework due tonight at 11:55 PM. I'm going to work on that now.

11:38 PM

Well I did the easy homework that I had due tonight, but there was the reading assignment and programming assignment due that I didn't work on. I actually could have done the programming assignment if I worked on it since 8 PM when I woke up, but I started on it late, literally at 11:34 PM, around 21 minutes before it would be due, and during the few minutes I worked on all I did was read what we had to do. It was this long page describing what was required, and so I concluded there was no point in trying to finish it.

I just submitted my assignment saying I ran into errors which made me unable to complete the assignment, which was true, but I was able to fix the errors. So I posted that I fixed the errors but there wasn't enough time left to complete the assignment but would submit it anyway (sometimes people give you a good grade for literally nothing. I'm not joking. You're graded by your peers, and I've gotten a perfect score once from submitting an almost blank homework assignment).

Anyway, there's nothing I can do about that homework assignment now except not procrastinate in the future.

I guess I should upload my photos for today next.

11:57 PM

Well that's the end of my day today. I'm going to now just spend the beginning of tomorrow studying and reviewing what I did today and see where I did well, and where I can improve. Some of the time log stuff are wrong, like I would be distracted pretty often and open up new tabs in my browser, while claiming I was only "doing homework" or something else. I need to fix that. When I say I'm doing something for a certain time period, that's the only thing I need to be doing.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 12:13 AM

12:13 AM – Uploading Photos to Instagram – 12:33 AM

12:33 AM – Writing Journal – 12:34 AM

12:34 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:40 AM

12:40 AM – Walking Outside – 2:03 AM

2:03 AM – Wasting Time 2:14 AM

2:14 AM – Removing Callus – 2:40 AM

2:41 AM – Writing Journal - 2:42 AM

2:42 AM – Preparing Food – 2:49 AM

2:49 AM – Eating Food – 3:05 AM

3:05 AM – GTA V – 3:14 AM

3:14 AM – Writing Journal – 3:16 AM

3:16 AM – Reading Online – 3:23 AM

3:23 AM – Writing Journal – 3:25 AM

3:25 – Wasting Time 3:34 AM

3:34 AM – Working on – 3-36 AM

3:36 AM – Wasting Time – 8:43 AM

8:43 AM – Writing Journal – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Preparing Beans – 8:48 AM

8:48 AM – Writing Journal – 8:51 AM

8:51 AM – Set up VS Code and GIT – 8:54 AM

8:54 AM – Update to have yesterday's journal entry and photos – 9:04 AM

9:04 AM – Write a script that converts word document to HTML – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Wasting Time – 10:42 AM

10:42 AM – Write a script that converts word document to HTML – 11:11 AM

11:11 AM – Writing Journal – 11:12 AM

11:12 AM – Make the time log display properly – 11:19 AM

11:19 AM – Writing Journal – 11:21 AM

11:21 AM – Uploading first journal entry to – 11:35 AM

11:35 AM – Fix script to change all special characters to HTML entities – 11:58 AM

11:58 AM – Upload first journal entry to – 11:58 AM

11:59 AM – Writing Journal – 12:02 AM

12:02 PM – Brushing Teeth – 12:06 PM

12:06 PM – Bathroom – 12:19 PM

12:19 PM – Wasting Time – 12:44 PM

12:44 PM – Attempting to Sleep – 1:14 PM

1:14 PM – Writing Journal – 2:15 PM

2:15 PM – Reading Online – 3:39 PM

3:39 PM – Sleep – 8:27 PM

8:28 PM – Write Journal – 8:28 PM

8:28 PM – Waste Time – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Homework - 8:31 PM

8:31 PM – Close Blinds – 8:32 PM

8:32 PM – Homework – 8:33 PM

8:33 – Wasting Time – 8:56 PM

8:56 PM – Prepare Food – 8:59 PM

8:59 PM – Wasting Time – 9:01 PM

9:01 PM – Homework – 9:28 PM

9:29 PM – Check Food – 9:35 PM

9:35 PM – Break – 9:46 PM

9:46 PM – Eat Food – 10:10 PM

10:10 PM – Break – 11:18 PM

11:18 PM – Bathroom – 11:23 PM

11:23 PM – Homework – 11:28 PM

11:28 PM – Taking Pictures – 11:34 PM

11:34 PM – Homework – 11:38 PM

11:38 PM – Wasting Time – 11:42 PM

11:42 PM – Writing Journal – 11:51 PM

11:51 PM – Uploading Photos – 11:57 PM

11:57 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Thursday, February 22nd 2018

12:21 AM

Well I uploaded yesterday's journal entry to the website and it looks very crowded now. I just appended yesterday's entry to the previous day's entry, so that they're in chronological scrolling order, you see the earliest date first, and then as you scroll down it reads sort of like a story. I used a horizontal rule to separate the two journal entries, it really looks like a 1990s site haha. It's literally just all text right now. It looks so plain and lame.

I think it might look better with the journal entry on the left side, and the time log on the right side. That's how I write these journal entries anyway, that's what I see on my screen right now. On the left side is where I'm typing up this text right now, and on the right side, I can see what I did all day today so far.

12:29 AM

America is 5th place in the Winter Olympics right now in amount of gold medals. Russia from I think a doping scandal incident, disallowed any athletes from officially representing Russia, so literally the contestants from Russia are just called "Olympic Athlete from Russia", and they're currently in 7th place. In the top 10 list there's a list of countries and flags, except for 7th place which has the text "Olympic Athlete From Russia" and instead of a flag is just the Olympics logo. It's funny.

At the same time though I'm disappointed in the U.S., when did we turn into an amateur country, to be beaten by Canada? Oh nooooo, how could we allow this.... Ah, I thought I was living in the greatest country on the planet. How could Canada do this to us...

10:42 AM

Well I just woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror and I feel like I have lost a ton of weight.

12:24 PM

I just found a bunch of nice online tutorials for web development.

4:02 PM

Yeah I wasted a couple hours of web browsing again but oh well. It was fun browsing, reading around, watching videos, looking at pictures, etc. Though I really should prevent myself from getting distracted.

Hmm. After thinking about it for a while, there were a few situations in which I could think of that were 'ideal' for dying. One is dying while laughing, very few people in history died while laughing, but it's probably one of the nicer ways to die. Another nice way to die is a simultaneous death in the arms of a loved one were both individuals die at the same time, this way neither 'dies alone' and both feel good in death.

Those two ways to die, though ideal, aren't practical. It's nearly impossible to die of laughter unless you were under some sort of tickling machine, and it's nearly impossible to find a loved one who would agree to die with you at the same time. One more ideal but perhaps not a practical way to die would be to die while sleeping, this one is hard to plan, but essentially you go to sleep, and just never wake up again. Yeah it's kinda messed up if you imagine yourself being in that situation of going to sleep only to never wake up again, but it's also nice as you wouldn't even know you died. Well when you're dead you never knew you died in the first place, but at least your last memories while living was just going to sleep.

One of my great uncles actually died on Saturday night I believe, just a few days ago, in his sleep. He went to sleep, and never woke up again. He was under a lot of machinery in the hospital, and that brings us to possibly the most practical yet also ideal way to die today. That is, dying while drugged up high with all the painkillers and other drugs. I've been through that experience before since I've had surgery for a kidney stone before, it felt good.

It was like I was just lying in the hospital bed, feeling numb everywhere, and also feeling a little bit high, like I didn't give a care about anything in the world. No cares in the world. It felt nice. It's sort of how I feel right now, feeling very comfortable and calm, but the drugs just amplified that feeling. Combine the drugs with dying by going to sleep, and you have yourself a very nice and ideal death in modern society. Now only if it were legal to just choose to die like this anytime you wanted. That would be great.

Too bad you can't just die whenever. There's almost no point to life anyway. You just live, and then death.

I'm going to be working on the website next. I'm going to make it so that it's split screened and have the left side work as showing the journal entry, and the right side showing the time log. At first I'm going to do this myself without any CSS frameworks so I can figure out how it works, and then I'll be using Bootstrap most likely just to make the process easier. Bootstrap is already a nice working system, I've created my own framework similar to Bootstrap before, but I don't remember how to do that today and I don't need to recreate the wheel even it would probably take a day just to recreate it, it's still better to just use existing technologies.

Should I take a nap first though? I feel like taking a nap.

5:35 PM

I did it, the journal entries now fit into two columns. I didn't actually just fully work on the website for an hour, I browsed for songs, read up on material, eh I'm not sure how much time exactly I wasted.

But yeah, the website looks okay now. It looked okay, it might be more okay now.

Hmm. Yeah, not bad. I want to change the font, and make the entries look like they're in boxes. I'm going to take a nap and then try again.

6:27 PM

Wow the website looks a lot better now. It's pretty much split into two columns, I put accent colors at the top of each column, and I put each entry into their own 'box'. Instead of just a plain website with literally just text, there's at least some design elements now. It's still pretty lame because it's still basically all text, but it looks a lot better now.

Now I can add images to right under the Time Log. Hmm. Yeah, I'll do that now.

7:05 PM

Okay the photos have been added and they don't look bad at all now. I just added them right underneath the time log, in one row by three columns. There's the food, then the selfie, then the body picture of the day. Not bad. I think it looks good. The images are also clickable but it just opens the image up in full size in a new tab, not like a jquery lightbox or anything.

Also the images take up a lot of space because I have them load on the page not via a thumbnail but the entire full image itself just scaled down. Anyway it looks a lot more organized than just a blank white page with text on it now. At least there's images and some color. It still looks very basic. I don't know much about design so I don't know how to make it look really nice, but for a simple design, this doesn't look bad.

I'm now going to backup the old site and upload this new version of the website. This one actually has a CSS file linked and images, the other one was made up of just one HTML page, literally.

7:12 PM

Oh yeah. It's now uploaded to the Internet and it doesn't look bad at all. I think the font can be improved. The word spacing of the journal entry can also be improved. Hmm. Then I can probably add some buttons to the header of the website and add a navigation bar. Also I should add some text to the images because they don't make sense on how they're displayed.

Anyway I'm done for now, I'm going to take a break.

11:22 PM

There was a homework assignment due tonight that I just worked on. It involved doing a bit of reading, and man, the language used in college textbooks are so plain and dull. It's so hard and boring to read through. I feel like they're unnecessarily long and can be shortened a good amount. However, college textbooks need to have as much information as possible, so the writers of these textbooks try to add in as much information as possible, even if it seems unnecessary.

Anyway I'm learning quite a bit.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Preparing to walk outside – 12:09 AM

12:09 AM – Converting yesterday's entry to html – 12:11 AM

12:11 AM – Fix errors in conversion script – 12:16 AM

12:16 AM – Convert and upload yesterday's entry – 12:21 AM

12:21 AM – Writing Journal – 12:26 AM

12:26 AM – Wasting Time – 12:29 AM

12:29 AM – Writing Journal – 12:35 AM

12:36 AM – Preparing to walk outside – 12:44 AM

12:44 AM – Walking Outside – 2:04 AM

2:04 AM – Break – 5:32 AM

5:32 AM – Sleep -10:42 AM

10:42 AM – Writing Journal – 10:43 AM

10:43 AM – Reading about Web Dev – 11:10 AM

11:10 AM – Looking for Web Dev Tutorials – 12:24 PM

12:24 PM – Install Filezilla – 12:27 PM

12:27 PM – Create FTP account – 12:39 PM

12:39 PM – Get FTP support – 12:42 PM

12:42 PM – Prepare Food – 12:44 PM

12:44 PM – FTP Support Chat – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Prepare Food – 12:53 PM

12:53 PM – Eat Food – 1:09 PM

1:09 PM – Prepare Food – 1:14 PM

1:14 PM – Eat Food – 1:29 PM

1:29 PM – Clean up kitchen – 1:35 PM

1:35 PM – Rest – 4:02 PM

4:02 PM – Writing Journal – 4:26 PM

4:26 PM – Nap – 4:31 PM

4:31 PM – Working on Website – 5:35 PM

5:35 PM – Writing Journal – 5:37 PM

5:37 PM – Nap – 5:45 PM

5:45 PM – Working on Website – 6:27 PM

6:27 PM – Writing Journal – 6:31 PM

6:31 PM – Downloading Photos – 6:36 PM

6:36 PM – Working on Website – 6:37 PM

6:37 PM – Brushing and Flossing – 6:40 PM

6:40 PM – Closing Blinds – 6:41 PM

6:41 PM – Wasting Time – 6:47 PM

6:47 PM – Working on Website – 7:05 PM

7:05 PM – Writing Journal – 7:08 PM

7:09 PM – Backup Old Site – 7:10 PM

7:10 PM – Update Website – 7:12 PM

7:12 PM – Writing Journal – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Break – 10:20 PM

10:20 PM – Prepare Food – 10:25 PM

10:25 PM – Eat Food – 10:30 PM

10:30 PM – Prepare Food – 10:36 PM

10:36 PM – Eat Food – 10:39 PM

10:39 PM – Wasting Time – 10:54 PM

10:54 PM – Homework – 11:21 PM

11:21 PM – Writing Journal – 11:23 PM

11:23 PM – Break – 11:59 PM

Friday, February 23rd 2018

3:25 AM

I just wasted several hours of time doing pretty much nothing. I've been watching South Park for the past few hours, and have also been reading some articles, and doing some web browsing. Such a waste of time.

I'm going to go walk outside, come back, upload photos to Instagram, and then upload yesterday's journal entry online.

3:43 AM

I went outside and felt the chill of the air on my face, it was cold, damp, and the wind was blowing. I wasn't sure if I could do this. I went downstairs and talked myself into at least walking a block and seeing if I could still make it. I didn't even make it out that far before deciding to turn back, and I went back upstairs. Ahh, I was going back in already? I decided to try again, going back downstairs and trying to brace myself, but again I dejectedly went back. I think I tried again one more time before finally just giving up.

Now that I'm back I have to upload my photos for the day to Instagram and upload yesterday's journal online. I guess I'll have to work out at the gym later today.

4:04 AM

I need to update the journal to html program to have the new div tags I added, and I also need to write test cases so that it's better debugged. I should've started off with it from the beginning but it was just easier to ignore it from the start.

Afterwards I need to write something that will pull down the latest three pictures from my Instagram so that it's easier for me to upload it to the website instead of me having to manually go in and download each one. By the way it's not so easy downloading Instagram images, you can't just right click and download the image. It's either you screenshot and crop it, or you view the background image source, or you use a third-party image downloader. So it takes a while.

I'm going to work on fixing my code now so that it's easier to read and manage, possibly by adding test cases to make sure it works properly. Afterwards I can make sure the div tags and other things are fully operational.

10:04 AM

Nice I worked on this program for almost two hours straight and was able to get a lot done. The result is now perfection. Any entry I write, it will create this HTML output that I can just go ahead and copy and paste into the website and voila, it's there in a very readable format.

I wrote several test cases for it, and I admit that development would have been a lot faster had I not written those test cases, but it's been a long time since I had done anything like that, and I wanted to get back into it. Also it would be very useful in debugging it in the future in case I have to make any changes. It's already in a very easy to read and understand format right now in the way that I wrote it, I'm pretty sure I can come back to this program several months later and wouldn't be confused by it. It sure wasn't like that when I first got started.

It could still use some factoring here and there, but for the most part it's nice and clean now.

What's next is that I need to write another program that can pull and save images from Instagram, mainly just pull in images from my account and save them. Then the images should be auto renamed so that they can be added to the website easily. Right now I have them in this sort of format:


Like this: "2-20-18-selfie.jpg"

Should be pretty easy to pull down the images and rename them in order by the current date. Then afterwards I need to write a script that would automatically create the text like that necessary to be added to the html page. Maybe I should write both of these programs in the same file? I don't know yet.

I'm gonna go out and brush my teeth and floss, then exercise, because I didn't last night.

1:45 PM

Well I don't think I exercised for that long. I just walked over to the gym, then went on the treadmill for a while, walked basically the entire time, I did some curls, and I had a hard time doing pushups but I was able to get two down. Then when I changed clothes from my sweaty shirt to a new one, I was in the bathroom, and I was able to get a good look at myself in the mirror.

I was pretty thin from my chest upwards, and then downwards to my stomach, I was very large. Like my stomach looks bloated. Shit. It doesn't look good at all. I think it's because I eat way too much food. I'm going to have to eat lighter meals so that I don't feel bloated every time I eat.

9:15 PM

In the last program I worked on to convert my journal entries into a copy/pastable HTML file, I didn't use any classes or OOP to do it. It's really not necessary to do that at times, but I need to relearn this stuff. So I'm going back and retaking an OOP lesson. I didn't even remember how to create objects from a class in Python, I tried using the "new" keyword which I think is only for Java. This is what sucks about knowing multiple programming languages, is that you get caught up by the syntax differences and restraints of each language. Yeah I'm going to take an OOP lesson in Python, but this might not be transferrable to Java or Javascript.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 3:25 AM

3:25 AM – Writing Journal – 3:26 AM

3:26 AM – Preparing to walk outside – 3:33 AM

3:33 AM – Walking Outside – 3:42 AM

3:43 AM – Writing Journal – 3:47 AM

3:47 AM – Uploading yesterday's photos – 3:52 AM

3:52 AM – Converting yesterday's entry – 4:03 AM

4:03 AM – Upload Yesterday's entry – 4:04 AM

4:04 AM – Writing Journal – 4:06 AM

4:06 AM – Updating journal to html program – 4:24 AM

4:24 AM – Brush Teeth and Floss – 4:28 AM

4: 28 AM – Updating journal to html program – 4:54 AM

4:54 AM – Nap – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Prepare Food – 7:11 AM

7:11 AM – Updating journal to html program – 7:40 AM

7:40 AM – Prepare Food – 7:49 AM

7:49 AM – Wasting Time – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Updating journal to html program – 8:09 AM

8:09 AM – Check Food – 8:12 AM

8:12 AM – Break – 8:20 AM

8:20 AM – Preparing Food – 8:25 AM

8:25 AM – Eating Food – 8:34 AM

8:34 AM – Preparing Food – 8:39 AM

8:39 AM – Eating Food – 8:58 AM

8:58 AM – Updating journal to html program – 10:43 AM

10:43 AM – Writing Journal – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Bathroom – 10:58 AM

10:59 AM – Brush and Floss – 11:04 AM

11:04 AM – Preparing to exercise – 11:05 AM

11:05 AM – Rest – 12:58 PM

12:59 PM – Exercise – 1:45 PM

1:45 PM – Writing Journal – 1:48 PM

1:48 PM – Wasting Time – 2:34 PM

2:34 PM – Reading Entries – 2:54 PM

2:54 PM – Sleep – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Wasting Time – 8:50 PM

8:50 PM – Working on image downloading program – 9:14 PM

9:14 PM – Writing Journal – 9:18 PM

9:18 PM – OOP Lesson – 9:25 PM

9:25 PM – Working on image downloading program – 10:00 PM

10:00 PM – Prepare Food – 10:08 PM

10:08 PM – Eat Food – 10:18 PM

10:18 PM – Prepare Food – 10:22 PM

10:22 PM – Eat Food – 10:28 PM

10:28 PM – Prepare Food – 10:31 PM

10:31 PM – Watching Olympics – 10:48 PM

10:48 PM – Reading Entries – 11:21 PM

11:21 PM – Wasting Time – 11:55 PM

11:55 PM – Taking Photos – 11:59 PM

Saturday, February 24th 2018

2:28 AM

World of Warcraft came out in 2004 and Warcraft 3 came out in 2002 and no other games have been able to top my gaming experiences on those two games. I don't think any other games will ever come out that will be superior, unless a Warcraft 4 comes out, nothing will beat Warcraft 3. Warcraft 3 was the king of all games, it had every game within that one game. It was my favorite.

In terms of MMORPG, nothing beat World of Warcraft. I've played so many, none of them just felt as open and as free as World of Warcraft did. You could customize everything and you could pretty much do anything in that game. Guild Wars can't even compare. Unlike Guild Wars, the World of Warcraft gameplay style was so classic and timeless than Blizzard nailed it on the first try, they never had to revamp the entire game from scratch, they only had to release additional content to improve it.

Seriously. Every other MMROPG game ever since has been trying to copy and imitate Blizzard's game, but nothing comes close, because World of Warcraft had an entire storyline to back up its playstyle and art style. I have not played World of Warcraft in years.

I also remember RuneScape, that was a classic. I played it back in 2002ish, the very first initial version of Runescape. I remember when Runescape 2 came out, and now it's at Runescape 3, it's such a different game today. I still remember Runscape 1, now that was the best. Party Hats, Scythes, Santa hats, Halloween masks, those were everywhere. I even had a green Halloween mask, now worth a lot of virtual money today, 410 million runescape gold in fact (which is like $80 which isn't that much actually).

Oh I remember I had a level 105 account in Runescape before, some guy traded me it for a $5 Diablo 2 key. I had access to it for about a year before he claimed it back I think using account recovery. I never recalled what happened to it. How did that trade even work? It was in a Warcraft 3 game room lobby where that trade was done, how was that even legit? I could have kept the account had I changed the account recovery email.

Oh, and there were so few items at the time you could know every single item in the game from memory and if you hung around the trading spots, you would eventually run into every single item in the game. Also, it was very common to have completed every single quest in the game, because there were so few quests.

There were just a handful of them, the hardest one being the Dragon Slayer quest, in fact I died there, and I lost all my rune armor, all my weapons, everything. I spawned naked outside the docks, and I remember having felt the worst dread, because I had worked so hard for those items, now I was naked. Not sure what I did, but I was able to recover and eventually get all that stuff back. I realized later that I died because I didn't have the dragon shield with me which would have reduced the effectiveness of the dragon's firebreath by like 90% or something, and it was supposed to be nearly impossible without the shield.

I wish I could go back to those times. Too bad that'll never happen. Today's the good times.

4:34 AM

Well I wrote about Warcraft 3 earlier today, and after looking up the latest news online, a MAJOR, MAJOR update just came out two days ago. For one thing, Warcraft 3 now supports up to 24 players per map. The previous limit was 12 players!!! Now it can support 24 players?!?!? That's unbelievable!!

Another huge change was full widescreen support! Before this if you played in 1920x1080 resolution, it wouldn't really be widescreen, just a zoomed in version of the regular game, now it's natively widescreen and it looks amazing!!! It looks like a very zoomed out graphically improved version of the game, although I don't think any of the graphics were changed.

4:45 AM

Wow there are a lot of new and awesome updates. It's only on the public test realm for now though, so it's not even official yet. I don't want to get back into Warcraft 3 though. I remember my days of Legion TD and the tens of thousands (no exaggeration) of Warcraft 3 maps I played. I must've spent collectively several years of time in that game. I would play for 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I would do this for years on end. This was the best game of all time.

I'm reading online though that you can actually play Legion TD in DOTA 2? How does that even work? Just for kicks I'm going to download Dota 2 and try it out. I want to play Legion TD again.

1:52 AM of the next day

I'm writing this the next day because I just woke up. No, that time log is not an exaggeration. I really played Dota 2 for over 12 hours straight, for 15 hours straight (maybe longer) in fact. I don't know when I fell asleep, that time of 8:47 AM is just an estimate.

I feel like a drunkard in AA that just woke up from an entire day's worth of debauchery after being sober for years.

2:02 AM of the next day

Or some heroin addict that just lost his way again and couldn't remember what happened two days ago. Yeah I can really get addicted to video games if I start playing them again. Now just imagine if I just got addicted to being productive instead, what kind of work would I get done?

I uninstalled Dota 2 as soon as I woke up. This game will ruin my life if I let it. It's already ruined my entire Saturday. The entire day.

How was it? It was fun. I played a lot of different Dota 2 arcade games, I started with Legion TD, and I played that for several hours straight. Afterwards I got bored and tried Dota IMBA, and played that for a couple hours straight. Then for the remaining length I played nothing but Dota WTF+ and it was so addictingly fun to play that I just couldn't help myself.

Every game you start over again, so it's like you never played it at all, except for the skills and knowledge you learned from the previous game. It's so addicting.

I truly despise myself for doing it, but what else was there for me to do? It was so hard to stop. I felt like it was the only thing important in my life.

I also ate a ton of junk food, nearly two large (not small) bags of Chex Mix Bold, the ones that are supposed to last a week each. Terrible. Those hours of my life I will never get back.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 1:05 AM

1:05 AM – Nap – 2:28 AM

2:28 AM – Writing Journal – 2:54 AM

2:54 AM – Looking for food – 2:59 AM

2:59 AM – Reading Entries while eating – 3:12 AM

3:12 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 3:17 AM

3:17 AM – Wasting Time – 4:22 AM

4:22 AM – Reading Entries – 4:26 AM

4:26 AM – Wasting Time – 4:34 AM

4:34 AM – Writing Journal – 4:37 AM

4:37 AM – Reading WC3 patch updates – 4:45 AM

4:45 AM – Writing Journal – 4:52 AM

4:52 AM – Wasting Time – 5:07 AM

5:07 AM – Uploading Photos – 5:10 AM

5:10 AM – Garry's Mod – 5:46 AM

5:46 AM – Dota 2 – 8:47 PM

8:47 PM – Fell Asleep – 11:59 PM

Sunday, February 25th 2018

2:16 AM

I can't believe I did what I did.

More than 12 hours of playing a video game, after it had been several years (maybe months? Maybe just a bit over a year?) since I last played any Warcraft 3 related game (Dota 2 is definitely a WC3 related game).

Whew. The gameplay and everything matched so closely to Warcraft 3's general playstyle that I got hooked again right away. It was like my brain was experiencing what it was once addicted to after years of being off of it.

Yeah I don't exaggerate when I say that I played Warcraft 3 for 8 hours a day for several days a week, for years at a time. I wasted my entire life playing that game. That, and World of Warcraft. In fact, my /played time to reach level 60 in World of Warcraft was around 44 or 45 days. I played it for at least 1056 hours before reaching level 60.

My cousin was worse, he had spent 77 days before reaching level 60. This was back in the old days when levelling up took forever, and to get from level 54 – 60 you literally had to grind your way as there were no quests to do. I killed some black rock orcs for hours on end straight to get to that level. I played for several years more after getting to level 60.

Seriously, now if only I could play real life this way, and this seriously, as I would one of these addicting video games. I could have learned anything and have been the master of anything by this point in time.

2:46 AM

Perfect my journal entry uploaded perfectly.

I still cannot believe I just spent well over 12 hours in a single video game. Gosh. I wasted my entire day. I didn't get anything done.

I couldn't even get off the computer if I wanted to. Whenever I made myself food, it would be in a hurry because I wanted to see what was happening in the game right away – like it even mattered. The games I played were "Arcade" games in the Dota 2 ecosystem, so they didn't even have any penalties nor did they track win/lose records or anything like that.

I could have literally just played a game, left as soon as it started, and it wouldn't have mattered. It wouldn't have made a difference in my life at all, nor would it have been tracked if it had. Those games were basically ether, they didn't matter, not at all.

Yet I somehow still feel a little more relaxed after playing it. I never want to get into it again. It's such a waste of time. No more, ever. I'm serious.

10:49 AM

So I haven't written anything in a while. After walking outside earlier today, I came up with an idea to organize and list all of the items I'm working on or have worked on. This would include basically anything under the sun that I'm doing, it would include the programs and websites I was working on, it would include the art I was working on, any videos I was working on, it would include any books or material I had to read or study. It would also have everything that I completed, everything that I had completed would also be available on it, and all these things would be organized in a way that made sense to me, basically in folders.

I would have three folders: Not Started, Working On, and Done. Inside these folders would be other folders, the categories of whatever I'm working on, for example there's a Programs folder in the right now. Inside the Programs folder, are folders for different languages, for example Python. Inside of the Python folder, since I'm working on a program that can pull down images from Instagram, there's a word document in there called "Instagram Image Download" for the name of the program.

Inside of that word document, I can just write down any progress or notes that I have at the time while working on that project. I can also list any sources or anything that I found interesting or useful inside of that word document. I've gotten so used to writing things down in just a word document, that this method really makes sense to me. I'm not using it as a tool to show off the program or the source code or anything, it's basically just a folder structure system for my notes on different subjects – on any subjects under the sun that I'm working on, and it makes sense to me.

So far I have three different word documents in there, which means there are three different program python projects that I have in progress. This goes for any project or thing I'm working on. The cool part about this is that I plan on also writing something that would pull out these projects and word documents in order, and place them into a readable html page just like how my journal entries are being pulled out into an html page.

I've already written several paragraphs about a new program I'm working on called the "Word Document Reader" which doesn't really read the word document, but can just pull text and other information out. It shouldn't be too difficult of the project actually even though initially I thought it would be. Anyway, I'm working on it because I thought the way I wrote the "Journal Entry to HTML" program was too inelegant. I mean it works, it's easy to go back to and fix anything, but I don't like the way it was written.

3:03 PM

Wow things are a lot more complicated than they seem. Using programs and things makes it look so easy on how they were made, but man I'm having a hard time just making it so that Word can be opened with Python. Of course I'm doing it without using any modules that have already been made to do that. It's not even hard, but I'm having a hard time doing it.

I have almost a headache. I just worked on it for several hours straight, that was the only thing I did. I wrote maybe one line of code every 30 minutes, not even joking. Most of my time was spent researching and just reading the documentation. Man my head sort of hurts. I'm frustrated that I don't know shit. Waaah. Cryyyy.

5:24 PM

The world is so small. There can be only so many addresses, and once you learn about the different regions, once you start to learn all the popular cities, about the tiny distances between each, about all the limited number of different schools and universities, you realize that the world is tiny. Seven billion people isn't a lot. If you had enough time to, your brain can probably store the identity of every single person in the world. I mean it's not that many people. There's only so few places and so few people. Most people are also just concentrated in small areas.

There's also just so much to learn. Sometimes you think something is hard to learn or nearly impossible, and then you learn it and then you find out it wasn't hard at all. It's similar to achieving something, first you think it's so hard and nearly impossible, and then you do it, and then you realize it wasn't so difficult. Most achievements in the world too are just measured by someone else. Someone gives you an award for doing something. Well who cares?

Time Log

12:00 AM – Passed out asleep 1:52 AM

1:52 AM – Writing Journal 2:25 AM

2:25 AM – Getting ready to go outside – 2:27 AM

2:27 AM – Taking selfie for the day yesterday – 2:28 AM

2:28 AM – Getting ready to go outside – 2:30 AM

2:30 AM – Converting past 2 day's entries to html – 2:34 AM

2:34 AM – Fixing some errors – 2:41 AM

2:41 AM – Converting past 2 day's entries and adding to html journal – 2:43 AM

2:43 AM – Reviewing site – 2:45 AM

2:45 AM – Uploading site to – 2:46 AM

2:46 AM – Writing Journal – 2:55 AM

2:55 AM – Wasting Time – 3:54 AM

3:54 AM – Walking Outside – 5:21 AM

5:21 AM – Changing Clothes – 5:23 AM

5:23 AM – Preparing Food – 5:32 AM

5:32 AM – Create Folder Hierarchy of things I'm working on – 6:04 AM

6:04 AM – Program: Word Document Reader – 6:32 AM

6:32 AM – Preparing Food – 6:43 AM

6:43 AM – Eating Food – 7:00 AM

7:00 AM – Preparing Food – 7:03 AM

7:03 AM – Eating Food – 7:08 AM

7:08 AM – Program: Word Document Reader – 7:25 AM

7:25 AM – Fell Asleep – 10:49 AM

10:49 AM – Writing Journal – 11:12 AM

11:12 AM – Word Document Reader – 3:00 PM

3:00 PM – Break – 3:03 PM

3:03 PM – Writing Journal – 5:11 PM

5:11 PM – Wasting Time – 5:24 PM

5:24 PM – Writing Journal – 5:33 PM

5:33 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Monday, February 26th 2018

6:02 AM

I had to run outside today for most of half of the distance I would normally walk, because it was starting to become the time that people woke up and would do normal walks, jogs, and when cars would start to appear in droves. I didn't want to be caught out in such traffic, so I ran back home.

I came up with another idea though, and that is to create a "proposed schedule" for the day whenever the day starts. This would be me just writing down what I think my schedule should be throughout the day. I watched a random anime show for several hours yesterday and today, I think around 8 hours total from yesterday and today so far, and that's no good. I hate wasting time especially when I'm not doing anything and not earning any income.

2:16 PM

I'm back. I forgot to bring a spare shirt with me to the gym and I realized that as I was walking, so I decided to do only as much exercises as I could and not sweat. I didn't want to be sweating in the cold as I walked back and get sick, so I just exercised what I could. I did some curls, barely two push-ups, some lateral raises, tried doing a pull-up but couldn't, and I did five minutes on the elliptical machine. That's all I did. Barely anything. Just enough not to sweat.

12:58 AM of the next day

I fell asleep unintentionally. I wanted to walk outside and/or jog later that night, at around 9 PM, but I ended up just passing out.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 2:42 AM

2:42 AM – Preparing Food – 2:48 AM

2:48 AM – Eating Food – 3:00 AM

3:00 AM – Wasting Time – 4:50 AM

4:50 AM – Preparing to walk outside – 4:53 AM

4:53 AM – Walking outside – 6:02 AM

6:02 AM – Writing Journal – 6:09 AM

6:09 AM – Wasting Time – 1:46 PM

1:46 PM – Getting ready to go outside – 1:50 PM

1:50 PM – Gym – 2:16 PM

2:16 PM – Writing Journal – 2:19 PM

2:19 PM – Wasting Time – 2:32 PM

2:33 PM – Reading Online – 3:15 PM

3:15 PM – Wasting Time – 3:45 PM

3:45 PM – Checking on beans cooking – 3:47 PM

3:47 PM – Wasting Time – 4:03 PM

4:03 PM – Checking beans – 4:07 PM

4:07 PM – Eating Food – 4:18 PM

4:18 PM – Wasting Time – 5:31 PM

5:31 PM – Fell Asleep – 11:59 PM

Tuesday, February 27th 2018

2:00 AM

Well Monday was extremely boring. I didn't do anything. I planned on walking outside and possibly jogging today, right now, but it's very cold outside. I'm still considering it though.

2:53 AM

I just finished converting my journal entries to html and uploaded them online. It took a while longer because there were some errors converting and I had to go in and fix them.

3:20 AM

So there we go. I came up with a proposed schedule for the day. I'm going to try and follow it. First task is to convert all the images from the previous days and upload them. I'm several days behind so this is going to be tricky, which is why I gave myself an hour of time. I'm probably going to finish by 10 minutes though, we'll see.

3:47 AM

Well I finished uploading the past few day's daily photos. It didn't take as long as I expected. I'm going to now look for some food to eat.

7:53 AM

I started to have a break several hours ago and time just went by quickly. It's already nearly 8 AM, and over 3 hours since I last decided to "take a break" and I basically just watched anime the entire past few hours. I'm sleepy anyway. I'm just going to continue taking a break.

12:09 PM

I'm back from walking outside. I actually went to the local library as well and checked myself out two books: Grit by Angela Duckworth and The Code of the Extraordinary Mind by Vishen Lakhiani. Honestly the Code book was just taken from pure instinct, I was at the shelf where Grit was located, and I wanted a second book to bring along, and it became the first book I took a look at.

Eh, it has mediocre reviews on Amazon. People are saying the author plugs himself and his company too much. It's supposed to be a book on non-conformity, which is pretty much what I am. It's not that I'm non-conformist on purpose or principle either, it's just that from what I've learned and read, a lot of my decisions and mindsets are not the norm.

Anyways, I really came for Grit and that's the book I want to read through. Apparently it came out in 2016, which is weird, because I feel like I've heard of the book and its concept since back in college in 2012/2013. It might have been a different book I heard of then.

4:56 PM

I know I've wasted several hours again. I don't know why I keep doing that. I hate it. I hate myself for doing it. It's painful for me because I know I'll never get that time back ever. I'm only 24 once and there's only a finite amount of days and hours I can live as a 24 year old, and yet I wasted many nearly countless hours already. I would say out of all the time I've spent as a 24 year old so far, 80% of that time was wasted time where I was supposed to do one productive thing but did something else unproductive instead.

I literally have been watching anime for several hours today. At least I finished the entire anime series now (until there's new episodes), but what a waste of time. I need to make money too. I have my own money problems to deal with that I can't solve unless I get more money. And here I am doing nothing with my time. I don't get it.

Also I've read through a bit of the Code of the Extraordinary Mind, and it's already basically how I live my life. The only exception is that I waste my time. It's my one biggest weakness although at a young age I was proud of being a procrastinator, proud of being able to work on assignments literally in the class right before the class when the assignment was due, and still get an A. I was proud of being able to work on a large project that we were given a month or more on, and being able to do that in one night and get an A. I was proud of studying for a test last minute, and get an A.

Those last minute things didn't work in college. I dropped out mainly because of the price, but I had also flunked Calculus (a course I'd already gotten an A- in back in high school, I pretty much got A's in every class, but I had to retake again because we had the Math Placement exams to take during summer break, and since I learned the entire subject basically through last minute cramming, I retained none of what I was supposed to learn, and didn't do well in the math placement exams). So I flunked calculus in college because the problems and exams were a lot harder, completely in a different league than the problems in high school.

Anyway, I basically already live what the Code of the Extraordinary Mind says in its book. Like I'm reading through it, and I already know the material. None of this is new to me. The reason I checked out the book was because it said something like this in the preface: "Once you see the patterns this book unveils you can't 'unsee' them ", and that really hooked me.

I'm skimming through it right now, let me just go through the book page by page and see if anything really strikes out. Lame. To me it's a bunch of re-used, rehashed ideas. The book is about "thinking outside of the box" but I've been doing that since forever. I openly had religious debates with people back in middle school, as a Christian, and then I would lose, so I did more reading, and boom I became an atheist, although my faith was already starting to wane ever since my parents tried to teach me religious rituals and told me religious stories and I thought it sounded BS (like the Tower of Babel story, it's soooo ridiculous but people believe it as historically accurate)..

Back in college in 2013 (man I wish I could go back), one of the classes I took was an elective called Comm 100, Public Speaking. In this class you had a bunch of speeches that you had to make for the class as projects, I think in total there were 7 or so speeches you had to make in front of the class, each one you had to write and memorize on your own. The final speech was the final project, it was the Persuasion Speech which would be the one where you spoke for the longest time, and you had to present a topic you thoroughly researched and could make good arguments for and tried to persuade the audience to your side.

This was in college, and you had to make that speech in front of other college students to persuade them. The professor had to approve the topic you were presenting, so you told your professor what you wanted your speech to be about first, and they would approve or disapprove. At first my project I asked for approval was about how being barefoot is better than wearing shoes, and it was pretty stupid now that I think about it since I don't believe that argument at all now, but that was approved.

I think it was a week later or so, but I started to really hate the subject I stuck myself with, so I asked if I could change it. Again, this was in college, and you had to present to other college students. I asked if I could change my current subject, to one about why it was better to not go to college at all. I was approved and gave college students an entire speech and powerpoint presentation about why college was not a good idea. Shortly afterwards I would drop out.

Ironically I would apply again for school in 2015 two years later, after I had already landed a full time job, and I started out as a freshman again at a different college and took classes part time. I ended up taking Calculus again, and this time it felt more like a high school difficulty level course, and I ended up doing well. Shortly afterwards, I dropped out again.

This time I'm in another university, an online school. I have homework due tomorrow that I haven't started on yet. I'm behind on the reading by several weeks, but I already know most of what we had to read about, but for this week's current reading I don't know anything about. I really need to catch up.

Anyway perhaps my little discussion wasn't persuasive at all, but I'm already a person that thinks outside of the box. I'm not non-conformist but a lot of my beliefs and attitudes are contrary to most.

The only problem is that I'm lazy. This book, The Code of the Extraordinary Mind, is not going to be helpful to me. I'm already exactly how the book describes, but I'm just unable to act like most. So I'm done reading this book, I'm going to be reading Grit instead, and hopefully I can attain grit and be able to sustain a healthy interest and action over time. That's the only thing I want, and the only thing I need. No book or resource on productivity has been able to help me overcome this challenge.

I need to be able to create a direction I want to go, continuously go towards it, and not veer off of the path into somewhere else. I guarantee that this is my number one weakness. If I'm able to overcome this, I can overcome anything. I'm going to read Grit.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Slept – 12:41 AM

12:41 AM – Wasting Time – 12:58 AM

12:58 AM – Writing Entry – 1:05 AM

1:05 AM – Taking Photos – 1:14 AM

1:14 AM – Wasting Time – 1:37 AM

1:37 AM – Planning – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Writing Entry – 2:02 AM

2:02 AM – Converting Previous Day's Entries – 2:53 AM

2:53 AM – Writing Journal – 2:56 AM

2:56 AM – Break – 3:09 AM

3:09 AM – Coming up with proposed schedule – 3:20 AM

3:20 AM – Writing Journal – 3:21 AM

3:21 AM – Upload previous day's Instagram photos – 3:47 AM

3:47 AM – Writing Journal – 3:50 AM

3:50 AM – Prepare Food – 3:54 AM

3:54 AM – Eat Food – 4:08 AM

4:08 AM – Clean up – 4:11 AM

4:11 AM – Eat snacks – 4:15 AM

4:15 AM – Wasting Time – 4:34 AM

4:34 AM – Eat snacks – 4:40 AM

4:40 AM – Brushing and Flossing – 4:43 AM

4:43 AM – Break – 7:53 AM

7:53 AM – Writing Journal – 7:55 AM

7:55 AM – Break – 10:36 AM

10:36 AM – Preparing to walk outside – 10:40 AM

10:40 AM – Walking outside – 12:09 PM

12:09 PM – Writing Journal – 12:20 PM

12:20 PM – Wasting Time – 12:33 PM

12:33 PM – Preparing Food – 12:42 PM

12:42 PM – Eating Food – 1:00 PM

1:00 PM – Preparing Food – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Eating Food – 1:23 PM

1:23 PM – Preparing Food – 1:26 AM

1:26 AM – Break – 4:40 AM

4:40 AM – Reading Code of the Extraordinary Mind – 4:56 PM

4:56 PM – Writing Journal – 5:46 PM

5:46 PM – Reading Grit – 6:29 PM

6:29 PM – Brushing and Flossing – 6:33 PM

6:33 PM – Reading Grit - 6:50 PM

6:50 PM – Fell Asleep – 11:59 PM

Wednesday, February 28th 2018

3:47 AM

Today's Wednesday. This is my Homework due day. I have homework due both today and tomorrow. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, always feel like awesome "free" days to me because those are the days when homework is farthest due in the week. It's like I don't have to worry much about those days. Monday is in the middle (it's not really), and that's when I feel like there's a small amount of pressure in completing the homework. Tuesday the pressure is even bigger. Then on Wednesday, I definitely have to get the homework done.

So today I definitely have homework to do.

Right now is also the perfect time to go outside for a walk or a run. The temperature outside isn't too cold either, so it'll definitely be worth it.

6:33 AM

Oh yeah, so yesterday I went over to the library to check out the book. I didn't have my library card with me as I think it's in my car which my mom took to work, so I told the librarian lady at the front I didn't have my card. It doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary, but I spoke in English! Holy crap!!

I write and think in English, but it's been a very long time since I had said anything in English out loud. Saying English words out loud, though I spoke fluently without an accent, felt so bizarre and foreign for me to do. Another strange thing is that in my arrival back in the United States, one of the first things that shocked me was that everyone spoke in English.

I had been so used to speaking in Tagalog, although my reading, thinking, and writing were still in English as a lot of things to read and interact with are actually English in the Philippines, that when I actually heard people speaking English it felt odd. Only the Americans and the English spoke in English, but here I was in America again, and English was everywhere.

How must it suck to know only one language. How must it suck to only know the language everyone else is familiar with. You can't hide thoughts or conversations out in public when you're speaking in English, not like you can with speaking another language. I can go around speaking my language out in public with another speaker and we can talk about anything out in the open and almost no one would be able to understand or translate.

5:49 PM

I still have a homework programming assignment to work on that's due tonight, and I'm very sleepy right now. Like, I feel like going to sleep. I'm not sure if I will be able to complete the assignment, but I will try.

11:57 PM

I mostly finished my homework assignment. What we had to do was create a program that allowed a user to create a binary tree, and then create a method to search for any number in that binary tree using our own binary tree search algorithm. I did most of the assignment and was almost done, except there was this one error in which the number of iterations didn't print out correctly. It would get the number of iterations right, but it just wouldn't print out the correct value. If I had a couple more minutes I would have been able to complete it. I blame it on barely knowing Java and not knowing exactly what code to write sometimes.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 3:14 AM

3:14 AM – Using Bathroom 3:20 AM

3:20 AM – Browsing Internet – 3:47 AM

3:47 AM – Writing Journal – 3:57 AM

3:57 AM – Getting ready to go outside – 4:08 AM

4:08 AM – Walking / Jogging outside – 4:15 AM

4:15 AM – Preparing Food – 4:27 AM

4:27 AM – Eating Food – 4:39 AM

4:39 AM – Cleaning Up – 4:43 AM

4:43 AM – Reading Homework – 6:33 AM

6:33 AM – Writing Journal – 6:50 AM

6:50 AM – Reading homework – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Preparing Food – 8:14 AM

8:14 AM – Eating Food – 8:33 AM

8:33 AM – Break – 10:45 AM

10:45 AM – Reading Homework – 11:28 AM

11:28 AM – Forum Discussion Homework – 12:07 PM

12:07 PM – Self Quiz – 12:16 PM

12:16 PM – Break – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Forum Discussion Homework – 1:27 PM

1:27 PM – Break – 5:35 PM

5:35 PM – Reading Grit – 5:49 PM

5:49 PM – Writing Journal – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Fell Asleep – 9:54 PM

9:54 PM – Homework – 11:57 PM

11:57 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Thursday, March 1st 2018

7:07 AM

I finally finished the Word Document Reader program that reads Word documents. I'm going to take a break and then work on the Word to HTML converter program.

7:32 AM

Oh yeah finally I have a new program to add to my portfolio! That Word Document Reader program is pretty cool I think, it's a module that can read word documents and extract the text from them.

Since I'm in a Data Structures class I guess I can also upload my Java code to a Data Structures repository. The last homework assignment I turned in, again, wasn't fully completed yet. So yeah I can focus on working on that as well. I guess that's more programs to add to my repository, but I'm more proud of the Word Document Reader program than the data structures to be honest, I worked a lot harder on it, even though it's only like 25 lines total it took me several hours to write. I wasn't joking when I said it took me forever to write even one line.

I started cooking some beans during my break and I'm going to be eating soon. After I eat, I'll work on the Word to HTML program. Then afterwards I can work on my Data Structures code and see ways I can improve upon them to be able to upload them online.

7:39 AM

Oh yeah during my breaks I've been watching anime. I've completed the entire Saiki Kusuo anime series, both seasons up to the latest episode, freaking took a lot of my time!! It was funny, but those are moments of my life I can never get back!

I've also been watching Kokukoku, I'm up to the latest episode as well. I've seen some of Dragon Ball Super and I'm also on the latest episode... Dang that's 130+ episodes each 20 minutes, that's 2600 minutes of my life, that's 43+ hours, oh nooo. I'm watching Hyouka and Kotoura-San right now. I watch Kotoura-San in 2x speed so I can preserve some time, and I have cried almost every episode so far, it's such a sad anime series.

But yeah, I hate watching anime because of the time drain. So many more productive things can be done instead. I do watch them on my breaks though and whenever I'm eating lunch. Lame right?

I'm going to start specifying what I'm doing now instead of just typing in "Break".

9:23 AM

There's so many fields in the world and so many experts at each and every field. You have; drawing, painting, music making, sound recording, graphic design, accounting, law, medicine, chemistry, writing, programming, photography, singing, piano playing, songwriting, soccer, basketball, football, video game playing, building design, cooking, baking, dancing, martial arts, comedy, racing, deliver, engineering, mathematics, web development, psychology, physics, astronomy, history, geography, translation, housecleaning, modeling, acting, etc, etc.

You have a ton of available fields each with their own experts, geniuses, and awards. You have the Nobel prize, the Fields medal, the Guggenheim award, the Grammy, MacArthur award, American Music Award, Olympics Gold Medal, Nebula Award, The Oscar, NAS Award, Gaming Awards, James Beard Award, IIE Awards, William James Award, etc, etc. There's so many awards available the top experts and performers in every field. The best of the best get these awards.

I don't actually believe in "Geniuses" which is why I'm reading Grit right now. I've read other books in the past that related to Genius and Talent: The Talent Code, Bounce, Outliers, Little Book of Talent, Talent is Overrated, So Good They Can't Ignore You, and so on.

Of course I've held the classic Mindset book by Carol Dweck that basically started this entire movement in my hands before and which all these other books I'm pretty sure cite, but I've never read Mindset. Let me check if it's available in the local library. Nope, not available in my library, and at the two library's their available in, all their copies have been checked out.

Anyway, I have just read a bunch of books on talent and genius, and my conclusion is that there is no such thing. Pretty much nearly everything is all down to circumstance. Cumulative advantage. One tiny favorable advantage that one other person does not have, leads to another tiny favorable advantage, which leads to another, and another, and so on, and so forth, snowballing into one great advantage eventually.

This may not be surprising at all, but high school is only four years long. It's not that long of a time, especially as you get older, four years feels less and less like anything at all. Take two people both equal, the same age, the same everything, one person goes through high school and another person doesn't go through high school.

In the first few days even weeks it might not seem like the high school student is any different from the non-high school student. After a month though, the high school student would understand several facts and methods that the non-high school student wouldn't know.

Given the entire four years, there's a remarkable transformation and wide gap between the two. The student would have turned into this literal genius by comparison to the student that didn't go through high school (and assuming he didn't study anything on his own free time in those four years). He would be bursting with knowledge about history, math, science, biology, computers, writing, foreign languages, and so on, all learned from high school, that the other person wouldn't have had the chance to learn.

That's a more obvious example of what cumulative advantage is. In the real world it's nowhere near as obvious. Cumulative advantage in the real world is like the father of an 8 year old bringing in a box of crayons his co-worker gave him, and this 8 year old starts drawing with it, becoming better and better, and then the dad notices, and buys him even more colors to play with, and then a few months later the dad finds a book on drawing left in the subway and brings it home to give to the kid who starts drawing more frequently. When the kid is in middle school he's already a decent artist, but while walking down the hallway he notices a kid with a newspaper and there's an ad on it that says "Artist Wanted Meet in the Art Room at 3 PM today" to which he goes there that day, and then the person there pays him to paint and draw things.

The above is a more real world example of cumulative advantage. Just really tiny opportunities and advantages open and available to those who have had previous cumulative advantage. For example, a normal middle schooler that didn't have that advantage of drawing as a kid, wouldn't have cared about the ad asking for an artist, even if he was staring directly at it, because that advantage wasn't open to him. These advantages are so tiny and miniscule, almost invisible, they're nearly impossible to notice in the day to day.

Geniuses are just people who have had a lot of tiny cumulative advantages that no one else noticed right from the start, from a young age, that continued to snowball into the present. That's all. They're nothing special. Anyone in their position would have received the same advantages, opportunities, and treatment. Of course, it also takes many thousands of hours of dedication and focus to become what they became, so really anyone who works hard enough and puts in enough time can eventually be called a genius too.

What am I getting at? Thinking about all the different fields, awards, and people participating seriously and competitively in all of these fields overwhelms me. I am nothing. Not even a competitor. I feel so weak and powerless in the face of it all. I barely understand programming man, and it's what I'm focused on and practicing. I can't even draw anything. Apart from my journal entries, I haven't updated my site in a long time. I can't even come up with a good design, I mean, it's really hard to.

So every day, I feel like I'm starting on my first day again, I feel like a beginner every day. I always feel like I know nothing. I feel like my daily walking of a few hours a day also hasn't been showing any results. Of course I have to keep it up for a long time, but it's just how I feel. Anyway the time is already getting late. I've been typing for nearly an hour now. I'm going to go back to working on the program to convert Word to HTML.

2:22 PM

Who knew I would have two completed programs in one day? Now that this program is done, I can finally write a much better version of the "Journal docx to HTML" converter. The current one I use and that I wrote last month isn't clean or efficient to be read.

That's why I remade an entire word document reader from scratch, and that's why I made an entire word document to html from scratch. Now that I'm finally done with this, I'm going to go to sleep for a while. I'm gonna take a nap, then probably watch anime when I wake up, then maybe eat.

Then I'll work on the Journal to HTML converter. There's also this one extra method I need to add to the word to html converter to make it work properly.

2:30 PM

Honestly I'm pretty excited. Writing these methods from scratch makes it so that I can pretty much do whatever I want. I make the rules. I can now make it do anything. Whereas using modules other people made, it was limiting in that sometimes it didn't have the functionality I needed and wouldn't do exactly what I wanted it to.

2:43 PM

I'm gonna take a look at the current Journal to HTML code and see what's wrong with it (there's really nothing wrong with it, it runs just fine, I just don't like the way it's written because it looks odd).

3:55 PM

I just finished watching Hotarubi no Mori e, the movie came out on my birthday back in 2011! Good times. I wish I could be young again, heh.

Oh yeah, I was listening to the song "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes, and the start of the song is "25 years and my life is still...", I was probably in my early 10s when I first listened to that song. Maybe 11 years old the first time I heard it, maybe younger? Anyway, pretty much ever since then, every time I listened to the song I always felt like 25 years was a long time away. No joke.

When I was 14 and listened to that song, I thought "Wow, 25 years. That's forever from now." And here I am, almost 25. Just one more year. Less than that. Just 6 more months roughly and I'm 25, and that song will match me exactly. I still remember my 21st birthday, my 22nd birthday, my 23rd, and my 24th. They were pretty recent so they're not something I would forget. Fuck. I want to go back to those days. Whew.

I'm about to be 25 soon. An age that at one point in time felt like it would never arrive. One day I'll be dead too. At that point nothing I have ever done will have mattered. No matter my legacy, it would just all fade away into nothingness. Yeah, I'll be dead. I'll be dead someday. I feel like crying.

4:09 PM

So now I'm going to eat some food and watch the anime Natsume Yuujinchou, because it's made by the same creator as Hotarubi no Mori e, and honestly I've seen AMVs of Natsume before, and after watching Hotarubi I had to look up what that AMV was again to get the anime name. Then I found out they were made by the same creator. So now I'm watching it because they're both supposedly good.

11:54 PM

I ended up watching the entire first season of Natsume Yuujinchou. I can't even pronounce the name or remember it properly because it's so odd to me as an English speaker. I watched it in 2x speed. Time wasted? Sure. It was basically one of those shows that had no chronological order, it was just, watch whatever episode anytime you wanted. It was like The Simpsons or South Park, except it was an anime. I enjoyed it though.

People weren't lying in reviews as well, Natsume Yuujinchou and Hotarubi no Mori e are extremely similar. In fact, just like how several others have posted, Hotarubi no Mori e feels like an episode of Natsume Yuujinchou, despite being two separate entities. I admit that one of my main reasons for even watching Natsume Yuujinchou was because others had posted that. I wanted to see if people were right. It turns out they were exactly right.

Time Log

12:00 – Break – 1:30 AM

1:30 AM – Sleep – 5:10 AM

5:10 AM – Upload past 2 day's photos to Instagram – 5:23 AM

5:23 AM – Convert and Upload Past 2 day's Journal Entries – 5:28 AM

5:28 AM – Work on Word Document Reader program – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Work on Word to HTML Program – 7:07 AM

7:07 AM – Writing Journal – 7:08 AM

7:08 AM – Break – 7:32 AM

7:32 AM – Writing Journal – 7:36 AM

7:36 AM – Break – 7:39 AM

7:39 AM – Writing Journal – 7:43 AM

7:43 AM – Watching Anime – 8:41 AM

8:41 AM – Eating Food – 8:51 AM

8:51 AM – Preparing Food – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Eating Food – 9:19 AM

9:19 AM – Cleaning Up – 9:23 AM

9:23 AM – Writing Journal – 10:21 AM

10:21 AM – Work on Word to HTML Program – 2:22 PM

2:22 PM – Writing Journal – 2:26 PM

2:26 PM – Preparing Food – 2:30 PM

2:30 PM – Writing Journal – 2:32 PM

2:32 PM – Work on Word to HTML Program – 2:42 PM

2:42 PM – Preparing Food – 2:43 PM

2:43 PM – Writing Journal – 2:44 PM

2:44 PM – Studying Old Journal to HTML Code – 2:48 PM

2:48 PM – Preparing Food – 2:51 PM

2:51 PM – Eating Food – 3:02 PM

3:02 PM – Watching Anime – 3:55 PM

3:55 PM – Writing Journal – 4:05 PM

4:05 PM – Watching Anime – 4:06 PM

4:06 PM – Preparing Food – 4:09 PM

4:09 PM – Writing Journal – 4:11 PM

4:11 PM – Watching Anime – 8 :50 PM

8:50 PM – Fell Asleep – 11:30 PM

11:30 PM – Homework – 11:33 PM

11:33 PM – Taking Photos – 11:37 PM

11:37 PM – Looking for songs to listen to – 11:40 PM

11:40 PM – Bathroom – 11:44 PM

11:44 PM – Homework – 11:54 PM

11:54 PM – Writing Journal -

Friday, March 2nd 2018

3:52 AM

I've been watching Anime for several hours. With that, I've finished the entire second season of Natsume Yuujinchou. Natsume is the main character's name, and Yuujinchou is Japanese for Book of Friends, so the story's title translated would be Natsume's Book of Friends. The book of friends is a compilation of different spirit's names that the main character's grandmother collected when she was alive, having the book means you get to command and summon these spirits whose names have been given up.

The story revolves around the main character freeing the spirits one by one as he encounters them, undoing the actions of his grandmother who was the one that enslaved them. Other spirits as well are after the book, so he is attacked and threatened often, but he has a powerful wolf spirit that turns into a cat as his bodyguard, after making a promise to let him have the Book of Friends when he dies. As he frees up each spirit though, the book becomes thinner and thinner storing less names and becoming less powerful.

I've cried a few times while watching different episodes of this show. I'm still watching anime because I'm too tired to do anything else. I only had three or so hours of sleep tonight, and that's nowhere near enough. I'm sleepy and tired, but I've been keeping awake by watching anime. I should really just go to sleep right now so I can be productive when I wake up later today. I'll do that now actually.

7:58 AM

I made two purchases this morning. I bought the Humble Monthly Bundle which had Dark Souls 3 as the early access game the pack, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to buy this $60 game for $12 today, so I went ahead and bought it. Then there was also a Sony sale, and I was able to buy Deus Ex Mankind Divided and the season pass for $9.42.

Deus Ex takes me back. It's one of my favorite game genres, influencing who I am today. From the original Deus Ex game, I learned about different conspiracy theories and it allowed me to think differently and question my circumstances. Although I don't believe in any of the conspiracy theories in the game in particular, it just opened my eyes to them existing and I started to behave differently afterwards to have a more open mind.

The Deus Ex Human Revolution game taught me how to interact better with people and I felt and imagined like I was really an "employee" while playing that game. I read work related emails which back then was like "cool!". That game influenced what I expected from my first workplace and job, and it turned out to have been very similar. It also influenced the way I interacted with people a little, just being able to approach and talk to a lot of people in general since you can do that in the game.

I'm now downloading Deus Ex Mankind Divided and it is the largest game I have ever seen by far. It's 72gb to download. Wow.

8:27 AM

We have just had a blackout. Everything is off except for my laptop which is running on battery power. There's no wifi or internet connection right now. I think I'm going to take a shower, then read Grit for a while. I can't do anything else.

8:47 AM

That was a weird shower experience. I had to take a shower nearly in total darkness. There was just a small lantern flashlight that I brought along that barely illuminated the bathroom to help me take a shower in. I wrote before that I was going to be reading Grit after taking a shower, but I might actually go outside and take a walk instead. It's been a while since I did it, and now's a good time as any to try to "walk for as long as possible." I have a nearly full battery too.

I'm going to get ready first and then head out. I'll be walking for as long as possible today.

11:31 AM

I'm back home. The power is still out. Sure I intended to "walk" for the longest time possible, but it's very cold and windy outside, plus I got bored. I'm back home now not sure what to do. My hands are almost frozen and it's hard to type anything. My goldfish doesn't have any power cycling the water because the power is out. If the power is still out later I'm going to have to manually cycle through the water every day, maybe every few hours. I hope the power comes back.

My laptop is running off of battery power right now. There's not really much I can do. Sure I can work on the Journal to HTML converter, but I would rather save it for when I have power. There's also no food available. Beans take 8 hours to soak before they're ready to cook, and I believe I just these beans out at 8 AM, so they still have quite many hours left to go.

Oh yeah on the walk I stumbled across a lot of fallen trees. There were even two huge trees that blocked my path at one point, and I saw a large tree fall down on the back porch of a house. Why is there no power damn it?

1:15 AM

It's soooooooooo c-c-cold. I am freezing and shivering in my own home without the heater turned on. Not to mention there is still no food available. I could cook some beans and rice eventually in a bit, but not right now. Why has the power not tuned on yet?

I've basically been taking a nap for the past few hours. It's honestly hard to even move around and do anything right now. I thought my hands would have thawed and would have been able to type without feeling so cold and slow, but no. My hands are still freezing. I might have to wear gloves inside the house just to keep warm, and put on another jacket. I'm going to do that right now.

1:21 AM

It's impossible to type with gloves on. I'm going to just get off the computer and read Grit the rest of the time until power is back.

1:38 PM

Oh great just after I bought the game Deus Ex Mankind Divided for $10 (it was actually $5 on sale but I bought the extra Season Pass as well), they then release the entire game for $12 in the Humble Monthly bundle! Oh great.

That reminds me I should cancel the subscription before they charge me another $12 for next month's bundle. I can't do it right now though because the power is still out meaning there's no Internet, and it's cold, very cold. I am freezing cold.

I might go outside again to go to the grocery store so I can buy a bag of chips and eat a salad with chips at home. It'll be a roughly 2 hour walk to buy the groceries and come back though. Yeah I'll just go ahead and do that. I'm wearing two jackets right now, I am going to have to end up wearing three. I'm going to go outside again to buy some chips (depending on the price). I might actually walk over to two different grocery stores and get the price of each.

1:54 PM

Oh yeah another extraordinary thing about buying Deus Ex Mankind Divided was that I had a gut feeling that it was going to be released in March's humble monthly. This is nearly impossible to back up since I didn't write about it as soon as I felt that instinct, but as I was checking out Deus Ex Mankind Divided, I thought, and I thought about it for a while "Because I'm buying this, it might actually show up in next month's humble monthly," and what do you know it did.

Also that lingering thought lingered longer than just that one moment. It actually occurred right before I was buying it too. Like, my instinct was that it would either show up in a new bundle, or it would show up in the humble monthly. I didn't even need to buy it at all. Lame!

Anyway if I take another walk outside, I may or may not buy any bags of chips because I had already spent nearly $20 today. I owe my mom $1700, $1000 for the plane tickets to the Philippines last month, and $700 for the monthly rent. I'm not made up of unlimited money, so I don't think I am even going to be buying chips today, just because I can't.

But, I can go out for a walk again. I don't see anything wrong with that. Even if I am hungry and it's freezing outside. Actually I may not go outside again. I am turning off the computer though so I'll just leave my activity from now until the next time to be free time. I could either be walking outside or just staying at home reading Grit. It's just one of those two, or it could also be both. I'm not going to track it because I don't have unlimited battery life.

5:08 PM

Well the electricity turned on momentarily for just one minute. I got very excited a few minutes back and immediately turned my laptop on, ready to continue downloading Deus Ex Mankind Divided (from the graphics the game looks awesome). Then a flood of different ideas and thoughts came to mind about what I could do next. I could browse the Internet again, I could listen to some of my favorite songs, I could go back to charging my laptop and working on the Journal to HTML program, the potential was limitless.

The power cut off again as I was brushing my teeth. I fell back into despair, but I had already gotten used to having no electricity, so this didn't affect me much. Sigh. I texted my dad as soon as the electricity came back on, and then just a minute or two later I texted him saying oh no it's gone again. It's about to be dark soon. It's already getting dark.

The only source of light I have is from the windows. Of course I have some bright enough flashlights lying around that could more than function as the light. But I do admit, I was startled when the lights and other gadgets came back on. I have several devices plugged in that make beeping noises apparently as soon as they're turned on, and it surprised me.

No lights actually came on, because I had turned off all the lights after the power went out, so I was sitting in the dimly lit living room with the evening light coming in from the windows, eating some food, browsing my phone, when all of a sudden 'beep', and I was so startled. I thought robots had come to life and were about to take over the world.

It turns out the beeps came from the kitchen stove clock (it has an alarm function but for some reason it beeps when turned on!), the microwave, the washing machine, the dryer, my dad's Google Home, and I think the fridge (although it's an older fridge). Some of these objects also beep more than once, I think the microwave for example continuously beeps until you open and close its door.

So yeah I was a little frightened. Then now there's a bunch of these dolls and figures in the living room, and I'm sitting on the couch. I'm the only person here at home, and two of them are staring directly at me. They for some reason are directly rotated to face the couch, and normally when the TV is on and the lights are on, it's not really frightening at all. Combine my current situation where it's dark everywhere except right in front of the window (there's actually only one window that has light shining through, I closed all of the other window blinds so that the heat doesn't escape, and it's this tiny amount that continues to grow dimmer), and I have these dolls and figures staring at me, it almost kind of looks like they're moving as the shadow grows dimmer.

It's kind of scary how noticeable the light is becoming. It was bearably (wtf why does my autocorrect spell it as BEARably instead of bareably? That makes no sense) bright earlier and I could make out some things pretty well, but now I can just barely barely even see the front entrance because that corner has been darkened. I can't even see the laundry room door anymore because it's blended with the dark wall, from where I'm sitting. If I get up to go to my room, I'm assuming that room is entirely dark by now, all the blinds in it are closed.

And yeah, what's a little bit freaky is when I make direct eye contact with the two dolls and figures that are directly staring at me. Like, they're directly directly staring at me. I can't even see the eyes of one of them, this pink pig squeezable stress toy that was handed out as a freebie, that's directly facing me. It was hard for me to tell at first if it was facing me, the eyes were so thin (they're like dots) and it had no outlines or anything so this protruding front that is the snout could easily be mistaken for the behind, and the ears are ambiguous in which you can't tell you're looking at the front of the ears or the back, that from where I'm sitting, I at first thought it was staring the complete opposite of where I was, but when I stood up to get a closer look, I was freaked out to see its eyes, again tiny dots, staring at where I was sitting.

The other figure is this pet robot puppy doll. It's white, has big black eyes, a big dark nose, and a pink tongue sticking out. When you turn it on, it moves backwards and makes barking noises. Normally it's cute and not scary, in this situation though, having it staring directly you, it can be frightening depending on what your mind can imagine of the situation. It really feels like it moves on its own sometimes, just from the dimming of the lights, and the slight and slow adjustment of the shadows.

Anyway, I'm not scared anymore. My mom came home as I was typing the last paragraph, and just like that knowing there was another person here, all my fears lifted. Of course it depends on who was here with me. If I had a friend for example that just enjoyed scaring me, like I would be the kind of person that would enjoy scaring another person but would hate being scared myself, then I wouldn't feel as secure. With my mom though, I trust her not to go around and entertainingly go into a different room, and when I'm not suspecting it, jump out and scare me. I trust her not to put on a scary costume and just randomly scare me for no reason. That's something I might do, but I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me.

Okay so what did I do for the past few hours? I read Grit, and I also went outside for a walk. I read an entire chapter of Grit, and then I just felt like walking outside. I had dozens of thoughts and ideas. I'm scared honestly to apply them. I don't know the repercussions. I'm gonna have to turn my lazy life into a not so lazy life if I want to make it in life. It shatters my current character, which I actually do want to do, but it's a radical change and I am afraid.

Anyway, one idea was to list out a "Performance Log" and just tally all of my progress that I want to progress on, in there. Like, I walked around 18,000 steps (I'm estimating) today, and I would just add it to my progress log for the day. There would be a daily, monthly, and yearly progress log for my different activities I want to improve on.

I would also have to "narrow" my focus in life to what I actually want to work on. In Grit there was a few paragraphs about this couple who when they were younger were artists that wanted to either be painters, potters, and several other art related fields I forgot (they listed several but I honestly can't recall), and they decided to just abandon everything and only work on pottery. Literally just pottery, everything else forgotten. I feel like that's what I need to do, but at the same time there's things I can't avoid. For example I don't want to work on any 'Data Structures' like learning and reading about binary search algorithms or graph vertices and edges in graph theory but I'm forced to.

I also have to go through Calculus (a fourth freaking time!), pre-calculus, discrete math, all the other math related classes I have to take in order to get a CS bachelor of science degree, and I have to go through physics, chemistry, biology, I have to take history, English, writing, etc, etc, all these miscellaneous courses that I think, pretty much have nothing to do with what I want to do. I just want to mainly want to learn web development and web technologies (like websites are one thing, I want to learn how to make games and apps as well using the same methods one would use to make websites, which today web development skills are basically interchangeable with game dev and app dev as well since they use the same languages), but I can't just learn that one thing.

It's not even possible. I don't even need any math or English or History or writing, or physics, or anything else I mentioned above, to be able to make websites, apps, or a program that can convert a word document to an HTML file. I've done those things without knowing much about math, English, etc. I've made games with physics, just fine barely knowing any physics or much math myself. Like certain equations are useful like for gravity it's nice to know the falling gravity acceleration equation (but honestly you can just put in any number and test to see if it 'feels' right), and for trig it's useful to know how to use sin and cos to determine angles and trajectory of projectiles (but honestly you can again put in random numbers until it works).

I also want to learn how to draw. I also want to learn math. But pretty much the consensus is to just learn one thing and be really god at it. How can I do that and learn multiple things as well? Anyway, my battery is at 10% now and it's nearly about to die.

I won't have a chance to turn on my computer again once I turn it off, until power recovers. So I'm going to just have to ponder the above thoughts and come up with a solution or something, today. Later today. If the power isn't on by today or tomorrow, then I don't know when I'll be able to post the answer, if I come up with one.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Anime – 3:52 AM

3:52 AM – Writing Journal – 4:01 AM

4:01 AM – Sleeping – 6:00 AM

6:00 AM – Browsing Internet – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM – Preparing Food – 6:40 AM

6:40 AM – Eating Food – 6:45 AM

6:45 AM – Preparing Food – 6:50 AM

6:50 AM – Eating Food – 6:55 AM

6:55 AM – Browsing Internet – 7:58 AM

7:58 AM – Writing Journal – 8:08 AM

8:08 AM – Playing Copoka – 8:14 AM

8:14 AM – Uninstalling Copoka – 8:15 AM

8:15 AM – Playing Crescent Bay – 8:26 AM

8:26 AM – Uninstalling Crescent Bay – 8:27 AM

8:27 AM – Writing Journal – 8:28 AM

8:28 AM – Taking Shower – 8:47 AM

8:47 AM – Writing Journal – 8:49 AM

8:49 AM – Brushing and Flossing Teeth – 8:52 AM

8:52 AM – Getting ready to walk outside – 9:26 AM

9:26 AM – Walking Outside – 11:31 AM

11:31 AM – Writing Journal – 11:37 AM

11:37 AM – Break – 1:15 PM

1:15 PM – Putting on gloves and another jacket – 1:21 PM

1:21 PM – Writing Journal – 1:22 PM

1:22 PM – Break – 1:38 PM

1:38 PM – Writing Journal – 1:43 PM

1:43 PM – Getting ready to go outside – 1:54 PM

1:54 PM – Writing Journal – 2:00 PM

2:00 PM – Reading Grit and Walking Outside – 5:08 PM

5:08 PM – Writing Journal – 5:57 PM

5:57 PM – Unknown, laptop out of power, can't track time anymore – 6:40 PM

6:40 PM – Downloading Games – 7:24 PM

7:24 PM – Playing Lost Castle – 8:52 PM

8:52 PM – Preparing Food – 8:57 PM

8:57 PM – Eating Food – 9:08 PM

9:08 PM – Playing Holy Potatoes! We're In Space?! – 9:30 PM

9:30 PM – Break – 9:40 PM

9:40 PM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 9:59 PM

9:59 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Saturday, March 3rd 2018

4:22 AM

Ah Deus Ex Human Revolution, one of the only single player games I have ever played through to the end. I spent a lot of time meticulously going through every computer I could in the game, reading every email, exploring every secret location, talking to every NPC, doing every sidequest, I had so much fun playing the game and being integrated into it like it was my life.

I mention all that because I remember being just a couple of points away from having unlocked all augmentations. One of the tips in the loading screens said: "It's not possible to unlock all augmentations" but I got pretty close, close enough to know it was completely possible if I had a second playthrough where I played the game more thoroughly than the first time, although that would be very hard to. It was such a fun game.

Watching videos of playthroughs of it now though, I don't remember the areas or missions at all. I don't even remember the controls or the upgrade abilities, yet at one point this used to be such a big deal to me. Same with the first Deus Ex game. Now that game was a classic. I also remember playing that game thoroughly and living through the experience as if it were my life and I were living in that world.

Anyway, I just finished eating. I'm now going to be playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 3:51 AM

3:51 AM – Bathroom – 3:59 AM

3:59 AM – Prepare Food – 4:11 AM

4:11 AM – Eating – 4:22 AM

4:22 AM – Writing Journal – 4:46 AM

4:46 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 7:09 AM

7:09 AM – Playing Holy Potatoes! We're in space?! – 9:02 AM

9:02 AM – Uninstalling Holy Potatoes! We're in space?! – 9:03 AM

9:03 AM – Browsing the Internet – 9:04 AM

9:04 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 10:48 AM

10:48 AM – Watching Anime – 11:48 AM

11:48 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 2:00 PM

2:00 PM – Car Oil and Filter change – 4:28 PM

4:28 PM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 7:20 PM

7:20 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Sunday, March 4th 2018

3:41 AM

Deus Ex Mankind Divided is one of the most exciting games I ever have played. It's one of the most realistic and most open world too. There's so many things you can do in the game, and everything is free choice! That's unbelievable! This game is the absolute best!

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 3:40 AM

3:40 AM – Browsing Internet – 3:41 AM

3:41 AM – Writing Journal – 3:43 AM

3:43 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 11:09 AM

11:09 AM – Break – 12:05 PM

12:05 PM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 4:50 PM

4:50 PM – Break – 6:01 PM

6:01 PM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 7:51 PM

7:51 PM – Nap – 11:59 PM

Monday, March 5th 2018

6:58 AM

What a waste of a weekend right? I actually had fun this weekend although I had no productive activities. Here's what I'm going to do instead. For every one hour of productivity that I have, I can do 30 minutes of something not productive.

I have had so many ideas since I lost my job it's not even funny. One of the agreements I had to sign was an "intellectual and creative property" or something like that agreement. This meant that everything I worked on, even in my spare time, would belong to the company, so as a counter measure to this, I stopped working on anything creative myself. I stopped working on ANYTHING person that I enjoyed working on back then.

I'm starting to get my 'old self' back. Yeah. I have made some mistakes in my life. I should have quit after exactly 1 year of employment. I could have made the best decisions of my life, but no. I'm starting again, starting the day I uploaded my first entry. I call that the first day of my new life.

However, today is Day 500 of my current journal writing spree. I don't even know if it's Day 500. There were some days back in early February that I had to skip (I was out on vacation in the Philippines and for several days I didn't have anywhere to charge my laptop, so I didn't even turn it on). I thought I could vividly remember those days then come back sometime later to redo those entries, writing them again, but I don't remember those days at all anymore. It's only been a month. I already forgot a month ago.

I'm going to come up where to put my "Productive, Neutral, and Non-Productive" hours. Maybe right below where it says "Time Log"? Maybe at the bottom of the Time Log? Hmm... Anyway, 1 hour of productivity for 30 minutes of non-productivity, means that in a 24 hour day, I can sleep for 8 hours, have 10 hours of productivity, 5 hours of non-productivity, then have an hour of writing my journal or whatever. That's sounds so fair! Let's try it.

I'm in a deficit right now so I'm going to have to work to get those hours back up before I can spend any time playing. I'm in a 2 hour and 28 minute deficit, so if I want to come back to that, I'll have to work for 4 hours and 56 minutes, basically 5 hours straight. Whew. Let's try it. I'll write my productivity scale right underneath where it says "Time Log" and see how that works. I may move it later.

5:15 PM

Yeah I did it! I worked on the program for apparently 4 hours today, and was able to finish the program! What an incredibly boring yet exciting task however. It's exciting because I was able to figure things out while doing it, and it was fun figuring new things out and getting used to the way programs are written. It was incredibly boring because it's nowhere near as fun as playing a video game or watching an anime.

What's actually cool and somewhat interesting is the creativity involved. I mean there could have been any number of solutions I could have applied to do this, and I did try this one weird method at first, but after that didn't work, I just used the same method I used in the first program I made to do this. So basically it's the same program, just slightly better. Kind of cool, kind of lame. I mean I didn't have to 'waste any time' redoing this program from scratch, but at the same time I think it was worth it because it looks a cleaner than before. It was so messy before.

Also this program is a little bit better because now I can type in italics and it would convert it to HTML automatically check it out! Also I can do underlines as well and it would detect it. Also bold too, back then the program could not do this. So that's cool I guess!

Now I can pretty much move things around anywhere, including the "Productive Hours, Neutral Hours, Non-Productive Hours" summaries and put them anywhere, and it would convert just fine. I might actually move that section to the bottom of the time log though, I don't think it looks too good where it is right now.

Yeah I moved it to the bottom but it still looks weird. Also the program can't read linebreaks (shift + enter in word) so it still reacts weirdly. I guess that's the next thing to do on the list.

I'm going to take a break. Probably nap or something.

11:31 PM

Well I didn't take a nap or anything. During my "break" I basically just watched anime through most of it. I didn't play any Deus Ex which is what I wanted to do, but I watched anime instead. I ended up watching an episode of Kokkoku and I saw the entire Charlotte series. Man there are so many anime out there. But Charlotte is a really good anime, not sure why I haven't heard about it before. It goes in a completely different direction than from the first episode which is amazing how much of a turn it had.

I actually just read the wikia description of the main character, it was just one paragraph, I read it, and was like, no way that can happen by the last episode. Wanting to prove the series wrong, I watched it, but I ended up being wrong because what the description says actually ended up happening. I thought it would have taken several seasons or something to show that transition, but it was just 13 episodes long, and so much story took place since then. Great story for real. I enjoyed it.

People have apparently also rewatched the anime several times. I saw a comment where one person said he's already watched it twice, and I saw another one where he said he's watched it 10 times and it's good every time. I couldn't imagine myself watching it again, but seriously it's tempting. I just saw it, and I'm tempted to watch it again.

Well I'm going to spoil a generic part of it and why I really liked it. I like stories like that where the main character starts off normal, but by the end he's practically god. Well he starts off a little bit just above normal in the beginning, not really expecting too much from him there. The shock comes when by the end, he's done everything there is that was once thought impossible. I like stories like that, although I felt like there were some loose ends in this series too.

Oh great I just found an anime where the main character keeps journals... Hmm... That's something I'll look into. It's called Future Diary. I might watch it tonight.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 12:24 AM

12:24 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 2:52 AM

2:52 AM – Sleep – 6:58 AM

6:58 AM – Writing Journal – 7:18 AM

7:18 AM – Converting and Uploading Previous Entries to Website – 7:28 AM

7:28 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Photos to IG – 8:06 AM

8:06 AM – Preparing Food – 8:12 AM

8:12 AM – Eating Food – 8:14 AM

8:14 AM – Preparing Food – 8:19 AM

8:19 AM – Eating Food – 8:32 AM

8:32 AM – Preparing Food – 8:38 AM

8:38 AM – Eating Food – 8:53 AM

8:53 AM – Preparing Food – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Eating Food – 9:16 AM

9:16 AM – Wasting Time – 9:22 AM

9:22 AM – Organizing Computer – 9:50 AM

9:50 AM – Signing onto Complete Web Developer Course Site – 10:09 AM

10:09 AM – Wasting Time – 11:27 AM

11:27 AM – Working on Journal to HTML Program – 12:12 PM

12:12 PM – Break – 12:24 PM

12:24 PM – Preparing Food – 12:31 PM

12:31 PM – Eating Food – 12:53 PM

12:53 PM – Break – 1:45 PM

1:45 PM – Wasting Time – 1:59 PM

1:59 PM – Working on Journal to HTML Program - 5:15 PM

5:15 PM – Writing Journal – 5:34 PM

5:34 PM – Break – 6:34 PM

6:34 PM – Watching Anime (Kokkoku episode 9 and the entire Charlotte series) – 11:34 PM

11:34 PM – Writing Journal – 11:48 PM

11:48 PM – Watching Anime (Future Diary) – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours:
Converting and Uploading Previous Entries to Website (0:10)
Uploading Previous Day's Photos to IG (0:38)
Organizing Computer (0:28)
Signing onto Complete Web Developer Course site (0:19)
Working on Journal to HTML Converter (4:01)
Total 5:36 hours

Neutral Hours:
Sleep (4:30)
Writing Journal (0:34)
Preparing Food (0:27)
Eating Food (1:12)
Break (2:23)
Total 9:06 hours

Non-Productive Hours:
Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided (2:28)
Wasting Time (1:38)
Watching Anime (5:11)
Total 9:17 hours

Tuesday, March 6th 2018

6:30 AM

Well that anime was weak. I didn't like it.

8:16 AM

I updated the Word to HTML program so now it can look for linebreaks and add them. I don't use linebreaks that often, if ever, but I tried it last night to try and organize my time log summary hours better, but it just put everything into one line. So this morning I decided to fix it and add a way for it to detect and add linebreaks to the html. I've tested it and it works, but now I'm going to play around with my journal for a bit and see what improvements I can do in the way it's organized.

10:53 AM

While walking outside today I came up with another journal idea. Horses. I work hard and really put effort into some things, but I still think of myself as a beginner having nothing tracking my progress. So I came up with the idea of horses. I'll have a different 'horse' for every category I want to learn and study, each horse starting off with a value of 0. For every one hour in one day that I spend doing that activity, I add +1 to that horse. If I spend 59 minutes at a certain activity and then the day ends, it won't add +1 to that one horse. It's just one hour, in one day.

I'll track my horses here at the bottom of my hour summaries, and there could be new horses added as I work on new and different activities. I'll use these horses to keep track of what I do and what I work on. The horses that I 'feed' (by doing the activity for one hour in one day) are the ones that get faster (which means I got better at that activity).

So for the entire day so far today, the only thing I've added +1 to so far is Python, as that's the language I used for the Word to HTML converter. I'm going to go eat, take a break (maybe by watching some anime), and then resume my day. This will make me more motivated to 'speed up' my horses. Of course I'm not racing against anybody, which sucks. I have the disadvantage knowing I'm the first person doing this, which means people will be comparing themselves to me trying to speed up their own horses and using me as the example knowing what's possible, whereas I'm the leader of the pack, meaning I don't have anyone to look up to meaning I potentially won't be able to go as far.

It's just like people who set new records on things. They're able to set new records because they know what's possible, and they're able to surpass what's possible. The four minute mile guy is used so frequently as an example, that once he broke passed the 4 minute barrier, all of a sudden a lot of other people were doing it as well, despite it being previously 'impossible' and 'out of human limits' to do so. That's basically what I'm doing. Which means I probably won't get that far compared to future generations, but I might as well try.

5:41 PM

Eh I don't know what's wrong with me or why I procrastinated the entire day after my walk outside. The horse idea was brilliant, and I think it will work and I will benefit from it in the long run, but I just got extremely lazy after that. After I came back home and ate, I watched a little bit of anime. It was 12 PM at the time, and I thought I had plenty of time left in the day, back then there was plenty of time left in the day to work and do things.

Before I knew it, I was already eating more food. Then I kept on watching anime. Worse still, the anime I was watching was the one I wrote about last night that I didn't like. I was watching the Future Diary anime, an anime in which I thought the story was mediocre and I didn't like it at all. Yet, I watched it today. I watched around 14-15 episodes. I'm almost done with the entire series. I hated every second of it, but I mindlessly stared at my computer monitor and watched away. What a waste of time.

I don't even think I properly recorded me watching it. When I was playing Deus Ex today, I actually watched anime throughout most of it since the mind numbing nothingness of the anime became more comfortable than the thinking process of playing the game. So I watched the anime on one computer while I was basically just standing around in Deus Ex idle on the other.

I have limited time in this world. I'm most likely not going to be around in 80 years, most definitely not in 100. Everyone walking around today, every single person (with the exception of a very tiny minority) will be dead by the time 100 years comes around. I have no idea what's going to be around in 2100, but I most likely won't be around to live to that era either. Yet here I am in the past (from the perspective of 2100) and there's opportunity abound.

People today are probably really stupid and primitive when the future people think about us. We don't have X technology that allows you to do Y. We don't know about Z event that's going to happen yet. I know nothing.

What's surprising is that 100 years ago, people were saying quotes to each other like "We have more opportunity today than ever in history. We live like kings and like pharaohs, anything is possible in our modern world." Even in their era they were already saying that everything was possible, yet none of them could even conceive of something like an iPhone or 3d graphics or even video games, things that are so common we take them for granted today.

Today I completely believe anything is possible but only up to the point where my imagination can reach. I can't imagine technologies that haven't been invented yet. How about extremely realistic video games, almost indiscernible from real life? Not invented yet. 100 Terabyte hard drives? Not invented yet (although you can buy several hard drives together and hook them up).

Geez I remember when I thought 16gb was a LOT. My aunt asked me to buy her a 16gb flash drive and I was like "holy crap are you insane? What do you need all that storage for?" My memory cards back then held just 32mb, and I was recording videos and taking pictures with that. My 'latest' computer way back then had 120gb of hard drive space, and I chose that computer because it had a 'large amount of storage'.

Anyway, I don't have the foresight to imagine or come up with any new technologies that haven't been invented yet. Can I think of some sci-fi ones? Yeah... If I were to just throw some random technologies that haven't been invented yet, I can think of a camera array that can scan your body or other real life objects and place them into a 3d rendering program so that they're easier to work with. Maybe a laser knife. How about water walking shoes? Clothing that shows animated images? Paper thin electronic devices? Honestly it's not easy to come up with these creative objects that haven't been created yet (and trying to keep it realistic, like I can talk about time travel or warp drive or flying cars or rocket bicycles or disposable limbs, etc, but I was trying to keep it 'real' so to speak).

But back then 100 years ago, people were like "Omg everything is possible in this world." But if they knew about wireless cell phone calls or all the knowledge in the palm of your hands, how differently would they think then? You know? So hell no not everything is possible. Things are only possible up to the limitations of the era that you live in.

To me though, everything I could ever care about or want, is possible in my era. Literally everything. Maybe that's just because I live in this current era, and so my expectations match my current living circumstances, but definitely 100 years ago I would not have fit in. I want and expect things that are available in my era, but weren't 100 years ago. For example, electric bicycles, the go anywhere with these things even more easily than regular bicycles, bicycles. I love those (though I've never ridden one, the concept always blew my mind). Then for poor sighted people like myself, we have laser eye surgery that can cure that. That wasn't around 100 years ago.

How about access to all the knowledge and information in the world, from your fingertips? Anywhere, anytime? Not around 100 years ago. Listen to any song anytime anywhere, also not around 100 years ago. I remember just 15 years ago, access to music wasn't as easy as just going to YouTube and searching the song, and I remember just listening to the radio for music. When I was in 3rd grade (which was around 2003-2004) the song 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' by Green Day came on as I was tuning the radio at 1 AM or so at night, and I was so excited. I fell asleep to that song. Good fucking times. I wish I was in 3rd grade again.

I hate that song now though, it's been overplayed. I've listened to it too many times.

Time does fly though. Where am I going with this? I'm frustrated. I've been wasting so much of my time. My limited time. The thing more valuable than money. All my money can't buy me anymore time. Queen Elizabeth I said something similar (although I've also read she never actually said it) on her deathbed, and that was "All my possessions for a moment of time."

That's such a profound sentence with so much meaning given the context, it was supposedly the last words she spoke. She died back in 1603. At the time, she was one of the most powerful figures in the entire world able to command and control entire armies and countries, possessing nearly limitless wealth, yet she stood no match against death. No amount of power or money could save her from the fate that we all share.

To me in the year 2018, looking back at the Queen making such a statement, it wouldn't have mattered to me if she had another 50 years to live or even 100 years more to live. She still would've died in, from my viewpoint, 'the dark ages', because they didn't even have light bulbs back then, that wouldn't come around until 1879. They lived in an era of candles. They didn't have the pleasure of being able to stay up all night, looking at a nicely lit computer monitor, in a completely lit room. To me living more than 400 years after the Queen's death, even if the Queen lived for another 300 years, from my perspective those years would have gone by in an instant.

Every year and every second up to the present moment feels like it passed by in an instant. All my memories, all my years of experience, every moment of agony, every moment of joy, were all but an instant. I can't go back and relive any of those times, although they exist vividly in my mind. I can only move forward from today. If I can't go backwards, what choice do I have but to move forward? Although it's difficult with procrastination looming over me like this.

I also have to find a way to make some income. I have no income right now, and I owe $700 for rent. I'm going to the bank and withdrawing some money to pay off some of my rent now. I can't withdraw $700 in one day from an ATM, so I'm most likely going to have to come back again tomorrow. Yeah I'll leave now and withdraw my rent money that I owe.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Anime – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Sleep – 6:20 AM

6:20 AM – Review Yesterday – 6:31 AM

6:31 AM – Writing Journal – 6:32 AM

6:32 AM – Review Yesterday – 6:39 AM

6:39 AM – Converting and Uploading Yesterday's Entry – 6:44 AM

6:44 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Photos to IG – 6:53 AM

6:53 AM – Working on Word to HTML Converter – 8:16 AM

8:16 AM – Writing Journal – 8:18 AM

8:18 AM – Reviewing Journal – 8:39 AM

8:39 AM – Nap – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Preparing Food – 8:46 AM

8:46 AM – Brushing and Flossing – 8:53 AM

8:53 AM – Preparing Food – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Eating Food – 9:09 AM

9:09 AM – Nap – 9:13 AM

9:13 AM – Preparing Food – 9:15 AM

9:15 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 9:23 AM

9:23 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 9:26 AM

9:26 AM – Walking Outside – 10:53 AM

10:53 AM – Writing Journal – 11:07 AM

11:07 AM – Preparing Food – 11:12 AM

11:12 AM – Eating Food – 11:24 AM

11:24 AM – Preparing Food – 11:31 AM

11:31 AM – Eating Food - 11:53 AM

11:53 AM – Break – 12:16 PM

12:16 PM – Preparing Food – 12:21 PM

12:21 PM – Eating Food – 12:37 PM

12:37 PM – Break – 2:01 PM

2:01 PM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 4:30 PM

4:30 PM – Preparing Food – 4:40 PM

4:40 PM – Eating Food – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Wasting Time – 5:41 PM

5:41 PM – Writing Journal – 6:45 PM

6:45 PM – Withdrawing Rent Money – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Talking with Parents – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Working on Instagram Photos Downloader – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Watching Videos – 8:50 PM

8:50 PM – Working on Instagram Photos Downloader – 9:10 PM

9:10 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours:
Review Yesterday (0:18)
Writing Journal (1:21)
Converting and Uploading Yesterday's Entry (0:05)
Uploading Previous Day's Photos to IG (0:09)
Working on Word to HTML Converter (1:23)
Reviewing Journal (0:21)
Walking Outside (1:27)
Withdrawing Rent Money (0:45)
Working on Instagram Photos Downloader (1:00)
Total: 6:38

Neutral Hours:
Sleep (8:09)
Nap (0:13)
Preparing Food (0:30)
Brushing and Flossing (0:07)
Eating Food (1:23)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:08)
Cleaning Up Room (0:03)
Break (0:47)
Talking with Parents (0:20)
Total: 11:40

Non-Productive Hours:
Watching Anime (1:00)
Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided (2:29)
Wasting Time (0:41)
Watching Videos (0:20)
Total: 4:30

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 2
Web Development: 0
Java: 0
Programming: 0
Exercise: 1

Wednesday, March 7th 2018

4:28 AM

Well I fell asleep last night working on the Instagram Photos Downloader because I couldn't figure it out. Looking at the source code of my user profile, it had the image URLs stored within script tags which were all inside a JSON. Okay that's all good and we can probably parse through that, but another problem came up that it only showed a limited number of images, I think just the first 20 images in the profile. So I still haven't figured out how to get all the images yet.

I've been looking through some stackoverflow Q&A and have been looking through some github source codes but I'm not able to figure it out still.

Also I went over yesterday's entry, and my total hours didn't seem to add up. I then re-did my hours from scratch, counting up my total hours from the beginning of the day, and it still didn't add up. I was already taking up too much time on this, so I just gave up on it. My hours are incorrect, but I don't want to go back in and try to fix everything again because it had already taken me so much time. If there's any discrepancies from now on I won't make a big deal out of it.

5:20 AM

I just read an article about professional video gamers trying to get into an Overwatch team in Philadelphia and it is hard to get in. These e-sports teams are nowhere near as difficult as getting into the NFL or Olympics (those are levels beyond the mortal realm), but it's similar difficulty meaning that it just depends on what you spend your time and effort on.

A person could spend their time honing their video game skills, or football skills, or Olympic sports skills, and getting into their professional teams would require similar hours spent (although for video games the competition isn't as high, and new games come out every so often with Overwatch being just a year old, so there's a lot less hours required). It's hard to get into whichever. I've already tried being a professional gamer at some point, and I'm very good at video games having spent thousands upon thousands of hours in that activity, but I'm just not close to the elite. I didn't deliberately practice like they did, I didn't know what deliberate practice was at the time, I played for comfort mainly, not to improve.

The person that got in was a 16 year old, apparently very skilled at the game, more skilled than the 90+ other people that entered. Hard to imagine that he was just 6 years old 10 years ago. I was 14. He was pretty much a baby to me, yet in just 10 short years he managed to become the best out of 90+ people, a lot of those players being older than even I am.

So it just depends on what one spends their time doing. I need to make my horses faster. It doesn't matter at what I improve on (whether it's math or drawing or programming or whatever else), I just need to be focused on my horses, instead of wasting time not.

5:50 AM

So last night I had a conversation with my parents after my dad opened up this package he ordered from an app, and it came with this tiny tiny silver coin, smaller than a penny. He said he paid $25 for it, I yelled at him saying he was ripped off and scammed by buying it off of that stupid Chinese scam seller app, which it was, fucking stupid as hell to buy anything from there at all. He said he wasn't even going to return it and said that he wanted it, despite saying that the coin was a lot a lot smaller than he expected from the picture that he saw. Fucking stupid. My dad has some sunk cost bias in which once he buys something, even when he was obviously ripped off, he'll just go "well there's nothing I can do about that, I'll just eat up the cost", fucking hell.

So I got a little bit annoyed and told him he should return it because he was obviously just scammed. Fuck. I'm getting riled up just writing about it. This isn't even the first time he was scammed, he's probably scammed on a daily basis for all I know. He paid $80 to a pop-up advertisement before that asked him for his credit card (what the fuck).

He bought a bunch of jackets from some stupid seller asking him for directions before (and I looked it up with him, that other people have been scammed like this). He has been scammed countless other times, I'm so fucking annoyed and pissed off recalling every instance, and depending how far the definition is stretched, he is scammed on a daily basis. On a daily basis.

So anyways, I'm pissed at how stupid some people can be. So my dad and I got into a fight and he said he was no longer buying me any food. I would have to go out and buy them myself from now on if I wanted to eat anything. This is after I withdrew $640 from my bank account already (and I still owe a bit more so I will have to withdraw a bit more). So I'm pretty much dead broke right now.

When I run out of beans, I'm going to have to go out and buy some more. That means walking over a certain distance and buying them. With the amount of food left that he bought tonight, I'm going to have to starve myself a little and not eat so much to preserve as much as I can. I primarily eat beans and rice anyway so I can reduce my cost per day to less than a dollar per day just by eating beans and rice all my meals. The only problem is I eat a lot, and last night he bought kale and a bunch of chips. I can go through 1000 calorie large bags of chips in a single day, more than one, plus the main meals. That's how much I eat in a day.

I'm going to have to reduce my intake (how much I eat) if I'm going to want to reduce my outtake (how much I spend). Can I do it? Hell yes. Too easy. Not eating as much and eating cheaply as possible is extremely easy. I don't have any problems at all doing that.

My main problem would be getting an income. My skills are too shit to get any income, in my opinion. I'm not a beginner, since I know all the basics I can pretty much do anything when it comes to web development or programming in python. I'm pretty confident that if I spent enough time at a certain task in web development or python, I can do it. The problem is that it's not at all easy, even doing basic tasks is extremely difficult for me. That's why I say my skills are not at all high enough for anything.

When it comes to web page development, I am confident I can make any website layout if I had one to already look at. I can just replicate it. If I were making one from scratch, that's a different story and I have no idea how to do that.

I'm so afraid and uncertain. Should I get a job? Should I just freelance? I don't know the answers to this. Either way I'm not confident enough in my ability to apply for any jobs. I think I'd be a lot better than a lot of complete beginners applying for jobs, and those beginners end up getting jobs pretty often (depending on their luck). But I know my abilities, I know where I stand. Despite having the knowledge, I don't have the practice. I'm not ready to apply for any jobs. I'm not even ready to do any freelancing.

Plus the income from freelancing may not even be that high. I actually already do know some people who make a living from freelancing, but I don't know how they do it. Anyway, I'm going to read up on some productive articles like on procrastination, and how to earn an income freelancing.

I also have homework due tonight. I don't even know what it is. I'll go review that first right now and see how many hours I need to be able to do them. If I'm confident I can do them easily (aka I already know the subject), then I can procrastinate a little by reading productivity and freelance articles. However if it turns out I have to do hours of reading, and I know nothing about the subject, then I will have to begin my homework right here and right now to make sure it's done first.

6:12 AM

I need around five hours today to do my homework. There's more than 12 hours of awake time I'll have left, so I probably have 7 hours or so of leeway. I'm going to read some productivity articles first to see how I can improve my productivity.

11:01 AM

Well I think one of the reasons I have not been productive at all, and it actually turns out that being productive is extremely simple, is that I have no direction of what I want to complete and what direction I'm heading. I have to mark and clearly define these. I also need a way to incorporate it into my journal so that I'm able to look at it every day, and think about them every moment. I want these goals to be the only things that I'm working on and thinking about.

First let me write a list of goals down and some steps that need to be done in order to complete them. I can't use bullet points because my Journal to HTML program cannot incorporate them yet. So I'll have to think of some creative way to list them...

Honestly with my hours summation and Horses, it looks like it's getting crowded down there. I might honestly have to remove the Horses concept, although it's fun and all, it might not help me in the short terms... I don't know. Well for now I guess, I'll make an HTML page on the website: "/horses.html" and just place my 'horses' there. I guess I'll go in and just update that daily, for now. That will be where I keep track of them.

Now my goals. Honestly right now I just keep some of my tasks on the Sticky Note program on my computer and it works. I started doing it recently, maybe a few days ago, and I noticed I've been getting things done more frequently (than before I started doing it) as I'm reminded of what needs to be done.

11:26 AM

Well here are the goals that I came up with that I need to do:

Create Ultimate Journal

- Word to HTML Converter (read and convert bullet points)
- Catch up on Journal Entries
- Instagram photo downloader

Find a Web Developer Job or Freelance Gig

- Complete web developer course
- Update/Remake Resume
- Create Website Portfolio
- Create at least 3 websites to add to my portfolio (just for practice)
- Apply for 1 job or look for a gig

Pass Data Structures Course

- Catch up on reading assignments
- Create a Linked List algorithm as per Unit 3
- Discussion Assignment for Unit 5
- Programming assignment review from Unit 4
- Graded Quiz for Unit 5


- Withdraw $200 from bank to pay to Mom
- Add money to Dad's bank account
- Finish Grit

I just have them down in my sticky notes. I should be able to look at them daily. Anyway I don't think I will be able to incorporate this into my journal after all because it would take up too much space. Like I said I have a three folder system: "Done, In Progress, Not started" that has folders and documents about the things I'm working on. I've not created a program to parse through these folders and make associated web pages with them yet though, but I do update the entries often.

Since it looks like I won't be adding my goals here, because I haven't come up with a way to incorporate them into my journal yet that would make sense, I'm going to be adding my horses back and keeping them here until further notice.

Now that I have my goals prioritized, it's pretty easy for me now to get started on one of these, as I completely know what to do and how to accomplish it. I can easily now just uninstall my games, stop watching anime, and just not waste time anymore with my life.

Getting a web developer job and/or gig is my top priority, but my quiz tonight and homework assignments are more urgent. I have to catch up on my reading first, and then I have to do the homework assignments, I have two of them. And then I have to do the graded quiz, which will count for a large portion of my grade in class. I'm going to work on this now.

1:38 PM

Hah. I just checked my grade for the first programming assignment I turned in and this is a little funny. When submitting the assignment, I wrote in this journal about how I didn't do the assignment and basically just wrote down "I tried to do it but ran into an error" and basically turned in a blank homework assignment. I also wrote about how since the assignment is graded by other students, sometimes they lazily give you a 100% score even if you didn't do it.

I didn't do it, and I didn't get a 100%. But for my overall grade in the assignment, I was able to get around 46% which is a really high grade for not turning anything in! This is the assignment that I'm going to work on retroactively by the way. I think I know how to do it, and I want to do it just to relearn a bit of Java again. I don't like Java and I don't want to do that much with it, but it's useful to know still. It's one of the easier languages to 'read' but it's a pain to write.

Anyway, I've come up with a better method of doing my 'reading' assignments instead of just reading the assignments. For one thing, doing the reading is extremely cumbersome for me. Let me go ahead and open my assignment pages that I'm supposed to read and see if I can make sense of it.

Hmm. Yeah this is readable, I can do this, but it's just so lengthy. I'm going to catch up on the reading (and read like 200 pages, no joke), maybe at night when I'm sleepy and want to read something boring but educational. The 'better method' I came up with was just looking up the chapter name, and any sub-chapters that I need to study, and search it on YouTube. There are tons of tutorials about the most random things here, so I'll just watch them online.

11:57 PM

Whew I am tired. I had a graded quiz today which was basically a test since it counted for a lot of your grade, and I managed a decent score which was an 84%. I'm actually pretty disappointed with that score, I'm not sure which questions I got wrong, but there were 25 questions and I apparently missed 4 of them, each question being worth 4 points. It was actually a really easy quiz, the problem is that I took a nap right before it since I was really sleepy, and I ended up having less than 30 minutes to complete the test (but the normal time to complete it was 1 hour and 30 minutes).

Since the quiz was actually extremely easy, I would have been able to get a much better score had I reviewed the other quizzes beforehand, but I didn't have a chance to. Ugh. I'm disappointed in that score but there's not much I can do.

I'm going to sleep.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 3:10 AM

3:10 AM – Working on Instagram Photos Downloader – 3:30 AM

3:30 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 4:27 AM

4:27 AM – Writing Journal – 4:33 AM

4:33 AM – Converting and Uploading Yesterday's Entry – 4:45 AM

4:45 AM – Reading Random Articles Online – 5:20 AM

5:20 AM – Writing Journal – 5:38 AM

5:39 AM – Uploading Yesterday's Photos to Instagram – 5:50 AM

5:50 AM – Writing Journal – 6:10 AM

6:10 AM – Reviewing Homework – 6:12 AM

6:12 AM – Writing Journal – 6:13 AM

6:13 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 6:33 AM

6:33 AM – Wasting Time 7:13 AM

7:13 AM – Preparing Food – 7:20 AM

7:20 AM – Eating Food – 7:35 AM

7:35 AM – Preparing Food – 7:37 AM

7:37 AM – Eating Food – 7:47 AM

7:47 AM – Wasting Time – 8:03 AM

8:03 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Wasting Time – 10:50 AM

10:50 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 11:01 AM

11:01 AM – Writing Journal – 11:16 AM

11:16 AM – Come up with goals – 11:26 AM

11:26 AM – Writing Journal – 11:44 AM

11:44 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 12:05 PM

12:05 PM – Wasting Time – 12:57 PM

12:57 PM – Preparing Food – 1:08 PM

1:08 PM – Eating Food – 1:13 PM

1:13 PM – Preparing Food – 1:18 PM

1:18 PM – Eating Food – 1:38 PM

1:38 PM – Writing Journal – 1:52 PM

1:52 PM – Homework Studying – 3:08 PM

3:08 PM – Break – 4:29 PM

4:29 PM – Homework Studying – 4:39 PM

4:39 PM – Wasting Time – 6:27 PM

6:27 PM – Homework – 6:47 PM

6:47 PM – Wasting Time – 7:47 PM

7:47 PM – Homework – 7:57 PM

7:57 PM – Wasting Time – 9:57 PM

9:57 PM – Homework – 11:57 PM

11:57 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:30)
Working on Instagram Photos Downloader (0:20)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:57)
Writing Journal (1:23)
Converting and Uploading Yesterday's Entry (0:12)
Uploading Yesterday's Photos to Instagram (0:11)
Reviewing Homework (0:02)
Reading Productivity Guides (1:19)
Come up with goals (0:10)
Homework Studying (1:26)
Homework (2:30)

Neutral Hours (5:46)
Sleep (3:10)
Preparing Food (0:30)
Eating Food (0:45)
Break (1:21)

Non-Productive Hours (9:31)
Reading Random Articles Online (0:35)
Wasting Time (8:56)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 2
Web Development: 0
Java: 0
Programming: 2
Exercise: 1

Thursday, March 8th 2018

12:02 AM

I added two hours to my 'Programming' horse which is just general programming knowledge not specific to any language. It could have been three hours since I did general programming for 2 hours and 58 minutes today, but because I was 2 minutes short, according to the rules I made up, no extra numbers could be added to my horses. It's kind of a stupid rule but whatever, I like it.

Anyway I'm extremely sleepy.

7:30 AM

Another one of the productivity tips I was able to acquire was to plan out the day ahead. I'll make it extremely easy for myself today. Why don't I just do this once a day, right when the day starts, of all the things I need to get done that day?

I still have my sticky note of things I really need to do, and I am just going to pull out my daily activities based on that list and based on activities I do / want to do daily. If I can get through everything in this list today, I'll reward myself by either buying hummus (one of my favorite foods, goes well with beans and rice) or the completion of the activities will be reward enough. By the latter, I mean that I don't really want to buy anything if I can help it, one of my favorite foods included, because I don't have any income.

I have around 16 or so hours of awake time today. Let's see how well I can make use of that time today.

To Do Today:
Web Developer Course (5 Hours)
Journal Entry Homework
Convert and Upload Yesterday's Entry
Upload Yesterday's Photos to IG
Walk/Run Outside
Instagram Photo Downloader (1 Hour)

And yeah that's literally it. Those are the things I have to work on today. Honestly the first two are extremely easy. The third one is the hardest, and the one I should do first. The next hardest is the last one, and then after that is the Walk/Run Outside, then the remaining one is pretty easy which is the homework assignment (can be done in like 10 minutes if I rush).

According to the productivity tips I have, it's best to work on the hardest and most rewarding task first. In this list, that's literally the Web Developer Course (5 hours).

So I have to do five hours of that before I can do anything else. Okay let's do it then.

8:16 AM

I'm apparently very hungry, so I'm going to prepare some breakfast first before continuing with the course.

8:18 AM

So I waste a lot of time doing BS activities like going on forums and reading articles and other lame activities that do nothing to benefit my present condition.

9:37 AM

Wow I was lost. Anyway, I was going to write about American exceptionalism, but literally opening the forum page took my attention away for the next 17 minutes despite me not writing another post there or doing anything else other than basically stare and read a few posts. What a waste of time.

So back to American exceptionalism. I came back to America about 3 weeks ago now (wow time goes by fast, I didn't get anything done in that time period), and the first thing I was surprised by is how everyone spoke and understood English. Over in the Philippines, English was just a passing thing, everyone spoke a little bit of it but not that well and they all had accents, signs and other text were English, but very few people spoke it in person.

When I came back to the States holy crap, I was surprised by the amount of Americans and white people everywhere. Well, 'surprised' isn't a good word, it was more like I knew it was coming, but the experience was more overwhelming than expected. What surprised me the most is the English everyone spoke, everyone just spoke it fluently and quickly. "Blah blah blah" rapid words coming out of their mouths.

Then I spoke English to a stewardess, and I just seemed to do it fluently and without an accent. I have bene speaking English now for most of my life, but I'm still surprised at how quickly I was able to transition from one language to another after living in that environment where no one spoke English out loud in a while.

So then in the forums tonight, there were political related posts about how America has become inferior now to the other European countries due to the influx of immigrants taking over the country and slowly turning America into a White minority country. It's a pretty openly racist majority white forum where they openly mock every race, religion, political group, etc, under the sun. There's 'debates' about everything.

So like I said in the thread I was in America was 'inferior' and a bunch of Europeans were saying things like look how America is... So and so negative and racist comments... Then I defended America by telling a poster something like: "If it weren't for America though you wouldn't be on this site (creator is American) you wouldn't be on a computer (created by an American)..." and I just went through a bunch of different inventions like the car, plane, telephone, cell phone, the Internet (debatable, it took several pioneers to do this and an Englander by Tim Berners-Lee is a big name here), video games, etc, etc, were all invented in America.

I mean so many things came out of this country. The printing press, the rocket, the light bulb, the nuclear bomb, YouTube, Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Apple, top video game companies, graphics cards, processor chips, etc, etc. What made or makes these Americans so exceptional? Maybe the money? The language? No idea.

Anyway, I have to get back to my work.

11:11 AM

I've been wasting my valuable time again. However, here's an interesting thought experiment. Let's say that every time a person loses consciousness, they died, and each time they regained consciousness they became a new person, they still retained all the same memories as their previous self, but they were no longer the same person. This means that every time a person goes to sleep, they die, and when they wake up, it's someone else with all the same memories and experiences of the previous person.

I'm not saying that's necessarily true, and it's going to be hard to prove or disprove. But if it were true, that means that the you today, will be the only time that 'you' will be around, because tomorrow there will be another 'you' with the same memories and same thoughts and experiences, but a different person. Frightening right? That means the 'me' today is a different 'me' than all the others, and I'll only be around to write this entry.

Afterwards tomorrow will be a new me. Someone different, hopefully much better. He'll improve from what I'm able to do and accomplish, so I need to lay a good foundation for that person in return, just as how the previous "me's" have left their foundation for the present me.

12:18 PM

I wrote my To-Do list for today at 7:30 AM earlier, and I could have been done by 1 PM if I continued my web development course up 'til now. However, I procrastinated, and the time flew by fast. It's nearly five hours later now and I could have been mostly done by now, but now I will have to wait until after 5 PM before I finish it, and that's if I do it for five hours straight.

I procrastinated by doing pleasure-based activities like watching videos and reading comics, and even reading creepypastas. So many hours gone. How many years of my life have been wasted, despite me knowing exactly what to do and how to do it, I go by procrastinating? I purchased this web developer course back in 2016 for example, and I haven't even completed it up to today. I have many many courses like this that I have yet to go through. It's a pain. I suffer so much.

But that all has to change now. If I want to be a different person in the future, I will have to start by changing myself today. Like I wrote about existentially, today is my only day I'll be here, tomorrow I'll be someone new with all my memories and experiences transferred over. It's nearly impossible and hard to prove that I actually 'died' yesterday, and that I'm a new person today, because I feel the same as before, but that's part of the thought experiment.

It's... It's really been a frustrating experience for me. I don't lie when I say I have procrastination issues. I don't even have ADHD or ADD or any focusing symptoms like that, it's jus that I get bored doing boring things, and I lose in the end. How many years of my life have gone by already? I could have been someone completely different today had I started doing something productive to change my life five years ago.

Yikes. I was nineteen 5 years ago. What the fuck. No fucking way. Seriously all those years, they went by nearly instantaneously. I remember being 19. I remember turning 19, I remember several days and experiences vividly as a 19 year old, I remember what I was doing at the time, I remember some of my early thoughts and philosophies at the time. I remember the people I hung out with, I remember how much money I had, I remember what activities I did, what I was doing, what I was studying.

I pretty much remember all my general experiences of the past and I can quickly sum up my existence at any year and also give a story or two about some events that occurred when I was X years old. Maybe not when I was 8 and earlier though, those experiences I've had in separate years feel all gobbled together into one year and I can't recall those years that well anyway.

But yeah it's really depressing how much time has gone, and how I am who I am today. I really could have been someone different. By the way, I have had thoughts like this, about procrastination, about studying to become somebody significant and skilled, since 14. I didn't keep a journal at the time, so I wrote short stories about it. I was so fucking stupid. There was this one short story I wrote about a 14 year old kid, since I was 14 at the time, and he was playing this video game where this 'prodigy' young 12 year old or something, was hacking the game.

Two years is a significant amount of time difference, but it felt so much more back then as you progress through the school years. Like literally if you're in 7th grade, you're fully inferior to a person in 9th grade as they have had two years extra schooling, they literally know two entire years more information throughout several subjects than a 7th grader would, so the difference gap in knowledge was widely significant.

So back then, as a 14 year old and in 9th grade, I felt like my knowledge was so vastly more than a 7th grader. The gaps would be nearly impossible to cross without taking those two years as well, it felt like. So I wrote this essay about a 'prodigy' 12 year old, and the 14 year old and 12 year old were playing a game. The 14 year old was supposed to be this super good player, but the 12 year old beat him easily and made devastatingly mocking comments like "This is only how good you are after having a 2 year head start? You can't even beat me today. By the time I'm your age I will have significantly more skill and talent than you do today." But even more threateningly.

Like, I wrote pretty good and nice short stories. I enjoyed doing that. I had ideas in school while in class, about the next short story to write, and it was fun. I also made a lot of digital art and websites as a 14 year old. I even made some flash games and YouTube videos! I wrote the stories for the games and everything. I loved those days. I did so much, and learned so much. I loved that era. This continued throughout high school, and even college.

Hell, it was in college, despite it being nice and enjoyable in hindsight, I hated it at the time. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. The courses were hard, I felt dumb. I failed my calculus class. The dorm was expensive, and so was the schooling, my parents went into deep debt trying to pay it for me since they had no idea how to play finances.

I felt like a rebel, like I didn't need college to survive on my own. So I dropped out, and I did some entrepreneurship. I earned maybe a few hundred dollars a week, I don't even remember. I was able to pay my mom's rent charge of $500 a week though, she said something like "If you don't go to college you're going to have to pay us" which didn't make any sense, but I had to make due somehow. I survived like this for one and a half years. I made some 'decent' money.

What did I do? I don't think I can replicate it. I made a website that went viral, I had ads on it. There were around 20,000 or so visitors a day, I got income from the ads. From there I funded my app development curriculum, and I started making different apps and games. I made several, but they literally gave me no income.

I think it must've been sometime in late 2013 that I made and published my first app. I was staying over at a person's mansion, this person I contracted for, and I was sleeping in his son's room. I still remember it vividly. It was a huge and nice mansion, in front of a lake. It had an enormous driveway that circled around a fountain at the front of the mansion, sort of like how you saw in movies, it's a common clich�. But yeah it was like that. And he had a detached garage for 3 cars, but you could fit more than 20 cars in the driveway.

I would park in front of the mansion with my Miata, and I took some pictures of it while parked there. It was cool as hell. He told me his story of how he became hugely wealthy. Anyway, back to my first app that I made.

I was a procrastinator even back then. I knew I had a limited amount of time in the world and that I could only do so much. As a 19 year old that just dropped out of school, as a youngster, I knew I should have done whatever it took to give me a future that would be good for myself several years in the future. This was back in late 2013 when I made my first app, but I should go back to before that to mid 2013 to when I was just a new dropout.

So mid-2013 was when I dropped out. It was after my second semester at school. I'm going to repeat myself, but it's relevant. I thought school was too expensive, and I would have better luck doing my own thing without paying tuition and just trying something entrepreneurial or getting some cheap job with low pay. It's better than being in debt, I thought.

So I dropped out, but not before buying the domain of what would be a viral website. I don't know when the development of that actually started, if I started it while in college, or it was after college that I started it. Either way, I dropped out, and worked on this site. Time seemed to go a lot slower back then, or it just felt like I was able to accomplish a lot more. Anyway, the site went viral, and I managed to eventually earn an income from it after making daily updates to the site.

Around Fall 2013 or maybe Summer 2013 actually, I think it was Summer as I remember the weather not being so cold, I got into Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. Hard to believe that back then it was around $200, and Litecoin was around $2 or something, it was unbelievable compared to today. I didn't get any income from that at all since I had very little income to begin with, and I could only put in so much money into crypto. I still bought three graphics cards to mine Scrypt coins with though, almost all of them turned out to be duds and literally disappeared. I also bought some Asic block erupters to mine Bitcoin with though. Anyway, that was one of the interests I found at the time.

Come late 2013, I was still into that stuff, and I was now making an alright income from my website (actually it would be below minimum wage and I would have actually earned more if I worked even a $5 an hour job, but since I only had a $500 rent each month, and no other expenses, I didn't care nor did I know that I made below minimum age). So then I got a gig with this person that made a really weird keyboard, I was into typing back then and was looking for cool new keyboards to try out. I contacted him and managed to get a contractor gig working for him.

I just maintained the website, did some site code updates, sent out emails, did some packaging, just miscellaneous work basically. One time I was staying overnight at his mansion, and I think I only did this for two nights or so, and this is where we left off last time before I went on a tangent. I was in his son's room, and I remember it vividly. It was darkly lit. I could have done any activity in the world at that moment, but I forced myself to work on an app.

I still remember some of the images that went on my screen from that day, as if I were still there, I remember the agony of how boring it was. I was forcing myself to go through this work that I didn't want to go through, but I did it, woohoo. I think it may have been that night or a few days later that I was able to publish my first app. After that one time, I would proceed to do it another 10-20 times, pushing out maybe 10-20 apps in under a year, in 2014.

Around a month later from that incident, it was January 2014. I was invited to CES 2014 by my boss, and it was so fun. I went to Las Vegas, stayed at a hotel, I was under 21 so I couldn't' even gamble, and it was so much fun. So much freaking fun. I can't believe I figured out how to get places by myself even though I didn't have wi-fi on my phone, or GPS, and I was scampering for money, so instead of getting a Taxi I would literally just walk from my hotel to the convention.

I stayed at the Circus Circus hotel and the convention was in the Las Vegas Convention Center. Looking up the distance online, it was only a 1.1 mile distance which is nothing, but it felt more painful back then, especially as I wore dress shoes and had to walk that distance back and forth. Still, I really miss those days and times. I felt so independent and that I could do anything. I felt like there were more, a lot more, opportunities back then than there are today.

Like I said, if I had spent my time wisely, I would be a completely, completely different person today. I ended up getting my first job at the end of 2014 in December.

I really think I know how to plan my own life, and that my decisions would have been sound if I hadn't listened to other people's advices or opinions.

Another smart decision would have been to quit work in 2015 and continue my studies and entrepreneurship having a three year head start (compared to today), not wait until 2018 to get fired later and then end up having not as much knowledge and motivation as back then. It's also shameful, because I have had wanted to quit for a very long time. I kept telling my parents I wanted to quit, this was a dead end job, there was nothing for me there. They said no, if you want to do some entrepreneurial shit, do it on your own while you're working.

There's probably journal entries I wrote from back in 2016 where I wrote about wanting to quit work. My first 'selfie for the day' picture I took on the first day of my journal writing entry, was taken right before I would head off to work. I hated it. I was so depressed and everything was so repetitive. My job wasn't web page development or anything related to web page development, it was just about moving and dragging items around on a screen and typing a little bit. A monkey could do it.

Still I held a lot of responsibility in that job. I would tell my friends about the shit I had to go through, and they would say "you only get paid that much for all that work?" Yeah. I mean that environment just didn't have any room for growth for me. I wanted to do web page development, but the job wasn't related to it. So I wanted to quit.

I told my parents. Again, this is repeating but relevant, they said no. I would say it several times in a row in a week and they would say no. What the fuck. Anyway, I know why I got fired. There was a self-evaluation form you had to fill in at the end of the year, I put down honestly that not only did I feel like my job was extremely boring and that I wasn't getting enough pay for the amount of work I did, I actually knew the income and benefits of some of my other employees and I felt so much like shit being treated so unfairly making less than half of what some other people made despite being harder working, and I wrote down that I deserved more.

The worst part was the firing of how I was fired. They didn't even give me a warning. I had signed really shitty contracts with the company that I just had to sign if I wanted to get a job back in 2014, one was that I would be an at-will employee. Meaning I could be fired at any time or any reason. So if they didn't like that I wasn't happy there, boom they could just fire me. Honestly though, I would have just quit if they asked me to instead, that would have been better for me.

But there was no negotiation at all. It was a normal work day, I did my work on time, and I just finished this huge project. Literally one of the hardest projects I've worked on in that company, and I've been there for three years. Three years of relationships, trust, friendships, and so on. I sent out several emails to clients, I sent some emails out and messages to coworkers, and like I said I was able to get that hard project done.

At around 4:00 PM in the afternoon I had this meeting I was invited to earlier that morning, it was just called "Catch Up" by my manager. It was pretty suspicious. I had complained to him about working so much and not earning enough, and he said this lie several weeks back without making eye contact "bonuses are handed out at the end of January", like, what bonuses? So after sending out my last email, I looked at the time and it was 4:00 PM.

I was feeling pretty good, got a lot of work done, was in a good relationship with my coworkers and clients, everything was swell. I was still generally unhappy about my job and pay though, but I couldn't do much about it that I already hadn't done. But anyway, it was meeting time, so I got my laptop and went into this meeting room, in the room was just my manager and the HR head. I already knew what it was about after I saw them, before they even spoke a word. So when they said it, I had already expected it, and I didn't react that much. I was actually feeling happy, liberated. I wanted to quit for years back.

But, what I felt unhappy about, was the way they conducted it. Just in the middle of nowhere during a normal workday, given no warnings whatsoever? They gave me the basic spiel and a BS reason about why I was being fired, saying it was about my performance in 2017. Wow. Really? In video game terms, there's a term called "Carry" in which one person in a team based game does exceptionally well so much so that he basically is winning or 'carrying' the game by himself, hence that term. In 2017, I carried my entire team. Literally.

I did several training sessions, I wrote the guides on how to do the job that I did, I tackled all the hardest projects, and literally anything and everything else that no one else did or was able to do. I could have just not even done any of those things. I could have done a shitty job with the training sessions, I could have not written several eBooks to be used in conjunction with the training, I could have not taken up any of those hard projects I took up and instead taken up easier ones. I felt like I did a lot of carrying work throughout the entire time I worked there, doing enough work for 2-3 people, they even said I did a lot.

As opposite as it is compared to how I procrastinate and not get anything done at home, because I was literally forced to do just that one job while at work, I did it exceptionally well and I tackled a lot of projects. I had no distractions (I didn't want to be seen having some random video or other activity open), so I didn't do anything else. I had people watching over my shoulder, so I made sure all my time was just devoted to work.

How do I get repaid after more than three years of exceptional service? "Catch up meeting at 4:00 PM." And then I get fired, no other warnings, no 1 day alert or anything, nothing. Just a normal work day, then a meeting, and then literally as the meeting was being conducted, all my account access and everything had already been disabled. By the time I got to my desk, I wanted to say goodbye to my coworkers through Slack, but my account was already logged out and disabled! Not to mention my manager said "pack up your stuff, I'll walk you out" as I sat in my desk in disbelief.

Packing up was one of the most embarrassing and heartwrenching moments in my life. I didn't actually care that much because I knew I would never see those guys again, I just wanted to disappear immediately and be out of there as soon as possible, as I packed my things up, almost in tears. It was so embarrassing and the way my manager was looming over my shoulder making comments like "are you done yet?" didn't help. I had a lot of things on my desk, since I'd been there for several years. Again I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, and my mouth was quivering since I was almost in tears, I didn't want to say a single word because I would have sounded like I was crying.

After I had finished packing my entire backpack was filled with and it bulged out more than any other time before. Then my manager said out loud "come on I'll walk you out" and I expected him to say some comments like "Thanks Megg for all the years you've worked and the products you made here, it was a tough decision but we had to let you go due to present circumstances," but no, he just walked in front of me with silence. Then he opened the door for me in the front of the office, and waved goodbye, then turned around and headed back.

What the fuck. I couldn't even get in anymore because my keys were disabled. This was a place I'd been able to walk through back and forth back then, and it felt comfortable knowing I could go in and out anytime I wanted. That changed all in an instant. I headed down the elevator in full disbelief. I texted my friends telling them what had happened, I hung out with two of them that night.

So I was fired because I had told the truth, that I was unhappy where I was, that I felt like I didn't get paid enough. After three years of hard work and service, three years of relationships and friendships, I was dismissed extremely easily without any warning or a chance to say goodbye to anyone, like I didn't even matter.

Anyway, I had already wanted to quit for a long time, so again I felt liberated once I finally left, but the way it was conducted was harsh. I had good experiences though. I made wrong decisions when I knew what the right decision instead was. I should have quit years earlier in 2015, rather than have waited three years only to arrive at the same place, but later.

They also gave me a form to sign, a severance agreement in which I would receive some pay if I signed it. But signing it meant I had to give up a lot of rights. This was the same company that made me sign an at-will paper and also the same company that made me sign a 'creativity clause' or something like that, in which whatever I worked on during my time of employment there, even if it was on my free time, would belong to the company unless I otherwise specified it in the paper that it was something I was working on or had worked on in the past.

Reading through the papers they gave me though I would basically be giving up all my rights to the company just for a small amount of money. Only a delusional person would sign it (or someone that never read the agreement) I had no reason to sign it and I wasn't going to sign it after reading it, not after the way I was brutally kicked out. I couldn't trust them or what they were going to do with me after I had signed it. The agreements were harsh and I would have been severely restricted. I had a week to sign, and they messaged me a few times that week asking me to sign it and if I had any questions, I ignored those emails.

I forgive them for their harshness, since it's all in the past, and there's nothing I can do about the past. I've forgiven everyone and everything throughout my entire life. I've accepted all my mistakes and indecisions, all my wrong moves, and bad choices, and I've forgiven myself for them too. If I could get rid the regret I've personally had for my life these past few years, I can certainly forgive an evil corporation for kindly taking me in and then harshly spitting me out.

Today I have no skills because I had wasted three years practicing a skill that made no difference and had no relevance in the world outside of that organization. I am far behind from my classmates and friends. Even in things like Bitcoin in which I mined and knew about back in 2013, I'm not even richer than my friends who first learned about it from me back in 2017. I'm the one that told them and taught them about it, but I'm the one behind. Pathetic.

I'm pretty lost and frustrated today. Some more quick summaries about me while I'm at it, feel free to skip this useless stuff, I'm writing it for nostalgic reasons. Here's some of the past accomplishments and activities I remember doing:

I made videos in 2006 as a 13 year old and had hundreds of thousands of views which back in the day was a lot. Unlike my website visits which I honestly might have just exaggerated from memory, these videos are still online and viewable today, they certainly have hundreds of thousands of views. The most views in one vide I've had was around 800,000. I received a comment before that one of my videos was shown to an entire assembly of students at an entire school, what the fuck. I sure made viral videos back in the day.

I made my first website in third grade, and I would make websites for people and classmates throughout elementary school. One of my friends named Cory let me borrow like 20 DVDs for making him a webpage. I especially wanted to watch his Hulk 2003 movie, which just came out at the time, and I was so psyched about it since it just came out. I remember riding my scooter around a mile to go back home, carrying this plastic bag full of DVDs. I watched the Hulk and was disappointed, it was lame and boring for my 3rd grade self. I loved making and updating websites back then, to me it was so much fun to get my content on the web for others to look at and admire even if they were utter garbage made by some 3rd grader.

I acquired my first domain in 2009 that my parents agreed to pay $100 a year for, and I was able to turn that website from a site that had zero visitors, to something that had like 200,000 or something a day, at its peak, back in the day. It's actually this domain that this was all done on, I remember it used to be a top 100,000 website in the world.

So I wrote short stories back then at 14. I would also write creepypastas. There was this creepypasta circulating around that I rewrote and made edits on, I admit the original story was not by me, but I had improved upon the concept and posted it on my site. This version became the most spread, and it quickly became the most popular page on my website, especially during Halloween, and there was even a movie made about this creepypasta I worked on. A movie on IMDB shares the same title as that creepypasta I put up, and the plot is the same as the creepypasta. I don't remember how significant my edits were to it, I think it was originally a one paragraph story, and I added a few paragraphs to improve it.

I became an admin of a private WoW server at 13, people would come to me for admin help, and I was some kid with a high pitched voice that would go around doing game master work for a bunch of 16 year old teenagers (back then 16 was much much older than 13). I looked up to 16 year olds as "old" back then, to me today, they're kids. 16 year olds are almost babies. Back then 16 year olds were the 10th grade high schoolers, and I was a mere 7th grade middle schooler, so of course I thought the gap between us was huge. Now the gap between a 23 year old and a 26 year old is TINY. There's almost no difference.

Like I wrote earlier I made my first apps when I was 19, and in a year published around 10-20 of them, all in the iOS App store, the Android Play Store, and even the Windows Store. The windows and Android ones were taken down, but the iOS ones are still there. I don't get any income from them though.

When I was 14 I made some flash games. Like, I'm really proud of that. They're still on some sites today and I'm so proud I can just go in and relive my past memories. Oh man I really miss those days. I wish I were a kid again.

Also at 19 I worked on a second viral website, similar concept as this site back in the day, but it had a simpler interface. That was pretty much the only difference, and it worked even better. Also at 19 I mined and played around with Bitcoin and other coins, and even went to the small Bitcoin section in CES 2014, I forgot to mention that. That was literally the only reason I mentioned I got into it back then, was to allude to going to a convention that had it in 2014 at CES. I met a guy there that had 63,000 Bitcoins that I saw in his wallet, I think he worked for That was one of the factors of why I lost interest in it, this one guy had so freaking many, made it feel like a huge ponzi scheme.

And then I got my first job at 21 in December 1st 2014. Since then up to late January 2018, I just worked this boring job. I signed a 'creative rights' contract that anything I worked on would belong to the company, so I took a stance against this in the only non-offensive legal way I knew how, and that was to not make anything creative at all. All my life I've enjoyed making my own things, and then this contract says 'oh but if you do that, it belongs to us' so I just stopped. It was easier to stop too, but who am I now? I've become pathetic.

I've grown staler and dumber as a person since I did a dumb and stale job for several years. That was my fault. I'm no longer the same person as I was in 2014 or the years before that lead up to 2014. I'm completely changed, all my creativity and lust for hard work is different today, for better or for worse. But, this means I can change again for the future and become even better.

I hope that clears up my past a little and catches my journal entries up to the present. So I'm frustrated today, because I know I could have been someone completely different. But through the wrong choices, the wrong timing, I ended up as someone I never wanted to become.

I hate procrastinating. I hate wasting time. I always have. But it's a problem I have never been able to conquer. Like I said I spent tens of thousands of hours playing video games during my adolescent years. Tens of thousands of hours. From my journal entries even just recently, I literally was able to play over 30 hours of video games in a single weekend alone. It's not hard to imagine I was able to do this back then too and I did it regretfully.

I just want to change and stop procrastinating. To work on the important tasks at hand, and to get them done. Will I ever make it out of the mess I'm currently in and be able to earn an income again? Will I ever be able to become the person I want to be or will I be stuck being the same person I have always been?

8:45 PM

I just went back and reread some of what I wrote previously, and changed some things.

I'm in disbelief that it's already 3 months into 2018, and this third month is about to end soon. Time is going by exceptionally fast from my viewpoint. I just go to sleep, I wake up, and then I have this list of tasks to work on. I do some of the tasks, and then I go to sleep. I do it the next day. For the two weeks I spent in the Philippines, the days felt a lot longer, each day felt like an eternity. Here, the days go by fast.

I'm shocked that 2017 is already over. I remember writing my December 31st 2016 entry, writing about my New Year's resolutions, and back then 2017 hadn't even started yet. It was about to start, and I felt that it was going to last a very long time. It's already over. The entire year just went whoosh. There's no point dwelling in the past, I just like thinking about the past, the choices I could have been that would have been better.

So today I did two hours of the web development course I bought a few years back. I went through the entire HTML section, and did the final project in the end. I got HTML down. It's easy. The hard part is the CSS which is the next section, one I haven't started on yet. I mean it's not hard, it's just not something I'm good at yet, it's not something I've gotten used to doing. To me it's hard, there are things I don't understand, what's up with the floats, and the clear fixes? How do I make a site in this layout? I don't know some things that well.

I don't think I can get the next two and a half hours of the course I'm supposed to get done today. I wanted to do it for five hours, and at the time I had around 16 hours of awake time available. I had 11 hours of free time to do anything else, but even with that leeway, I wasn't able to do it. I will try to get more hours in tonight, but for now I'll finish up the homework and upload the previous day's entries and photos.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting up today's journal – 12:02 AM

12:02 AM – Writing Journal – 12:04 AM

12:04 AM – Wasting Time – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Writing Journal / Planning Day – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Web Developer Course – 8:16 AM

8:16 AM – Writing Journal – 8:17 AM

8:17 AM – Preparing Food – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Eating Food – 8:38 AM

8:38 AM – Preparing Food – 8:48 AM

8:48 AM – Eating Food – 8:58 AM

8:58 AM – Wasting Time – 9:18 AM

9:18 AM – Writing Journal – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Wasting Time – 9:37 AM

9:37 AM – Writing Journal – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Wasting Time – 11:11 AM

11:11 AM – Writing Journal – 11:19 AM

11:19 AM – Wasting Time – 11:49 AM

11:49 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 12:18 PM

12:18 PM – Writing Journal – 2:28 PM

2:28 PM – Break – 2:42 PM

2:42 PM – Walking Outside – 4:25 PM

4:26 PM – Web Developer Course – 5:33 PM

5:33 PM – Nap – 6:45 PM

6:45 PM – Web Developer Course – 7:45 PM

7:45 PM – Break – 8:45 PM

8:45 PM – Writing Journal – 9:42 PM

9:42 PM – Homework – 10:02 PM

10:02 PM – Wasting Time – 11:02 PM

11:02 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:03)
Setting up today's journal (0:02)
Writing Journal (3:20)
Writing Journal / Planning Day (0:30)
Reading Productivity Guides (0:29)
Web Developer Course (2:23)
Walking Outside (1:43)
Homework (0:20)

Neutral Hours (9:34)
Sleep (6:27)
Preparing Food (0:13)
Eating Food (0:28)
Break (1:14)
Nap (1:12)

Non-Productive Hours (4:48)
Wasting Time (4:48)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 2
Web Development: 2
Java: 0
Programming: 2
Exercise: 2

Friday, March 9th 2018

Tasks Today:
Web Developer Course (Study for 5 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Previous Days' Journal Entries
Upload Previous Days' Photos to IG
Instagram Photo Downloader (Work on for 1 hour)
Homework (Work on for 1 Hour)

6:38 AM

Alright I just woke up pretty recently. I have roughly 16-17 hours of waking time today starting from the moment I'm writing this. I just have to dedicate 5 of those 16-17 hours to working on the web developer course. I tried doing this yesterday, but I only managed to get 2 and a half hours in despite having roughly the same amount of waking time available.

So I'm going to try again today, I'm going to try to get everything done this morning, so by the time it reaches 12:00 PM I am already done with this most important task. That is the most important task for me today. The rest do not matter as much.

Anyway, time to get started.

8:40 AM

UNBELIEVABLE! I studied for two hours straight. Woohoo! That was not bad at all. Since I started recording my hours, I think two hours is the longest amount of time I have spent studying a course. I have not been able to sustain my attention onto something so educational for that long before.

I'm just going to give a quick summary of what I learned. I also did this in much more detail, writing several paragraphs, in the specific file I created for this course where I write down what I learned that I said I would add to this website at some point, but here it'll just be a quick summary just naming things I learned right off the bat.

Most of what I learned was about the basics: differences between inline/internal/external, colors, margins, floats, and positions.

The hardest parts were of course floats and positions. These define what the entire page looks like. It's the hardest concept I think to understand, and it's something that I still don't know that much about, but I understand a lot better now after today. I learned that there was an entire div dedicated to just doing 'clear:both;' if floats were used. I didn't know that. I used floats for the current layout of the site, but I didn't create an entire div class just for clearing elements, I just applied the 'clear: float' field to the journal div.

Anyway I'm going to go take a nap.

10:00 AM

Woo hoo!! I just did another hour! I'm already over halfway through my required 5 hours of the day. I should be able to be done around 1 PM today if I don't get distracted and slack off. Afterwards I'll go down the list of things to do, after I do these 5 hours I'm going to exercise outside by walking or running. Normally I would want to run, but it's cold outside, and I'd rather not freeze.

For now though I'm hungry, and I'm going to eat. Then I'll do the remaining two hours of my required hours today.

11:43 AM

Woohoo! I did another one hour of studying a course! I am on a roll today. I have just one more hour before I can finally go outside to take a walk and get some fresh air. I think it's been the one thing I have been looking forward to all this time. Of course I should also celebrate learning and improving, but I just really want to go outside right now. I can't though. Not with just one hour left.

So far I think reading the productivity tips I found online were really helpful. I mean I went from a person that could barely pay attention to doing anything just yesterday, to now look at me, I was able to put in four hours into studying something today. Wow!

Okay, just one more hour. I can get this done before 1 PM.

12:47 AM

Whew I am tired. I got to the point where I stopped last time two years ago, and that was when we worked on the second website project. It involves recreating the BBC homepage from 2014. I was much better at this before and was able to get through the middle-ish section on the page. Now that I'm trying again, it is so much harder. I'm stuck at the very top part of the header and I don't know how to continue.

The floats and divs and other things won't work the way I want it to or how I expect them to. It feels really different from before, even though it's all the same. Anyway, I'm just having a hard time here. I will continue working on it tomorrow or maybe even later tonight, and since it's part of the course, I will still record hours as if I were still doing the course.

I'm super sleepy now. Like, really sleepy. I'm going to take a nap, and then take a walk outside.

4:13 PM

I'm going to take a shower. I think it's been two weeks or so since I last showered. Not saying that's a good thing, it's just that I haven't done it in a while. I've been staying at home most of the time and haven't visited any friends or anything lately so I haven't really had a need to do it. Yeah I know it's bad.

4:27 PM

Now I have to work on converting and uploading the past 2 days' entries. Yesterday was possibly the most I have written in a single day at over 7000 words, so I'm going to scan through and see if there's any parts I have to censor or remove.

5:02 PM

Woohoo! This has turned into one of my most productive days in all of March. It might be my most productive day in all of March. Now I have just two tasks left, work on the Instagram Photo Downloader for an hour, and then work on homework for an hour. Can I do that?

Can I do this? Can I make today my first day in which I complete all of the tasks in my to do list? Is it possible? Can I do this...? Do I have enough strength, courage, persistence, to be able to pull this off?

If I am being honest, I am already exhausted. I want to just give up, go to sleep, watch some videos, play some video games, eat my favorite foods, indulge myself in all the worldly pleasures. After all, even after working so hard, all of this will amount to nothing in the end once I'm dead anyway. And who am I doing all this for? I'm not in a relationship, I don't have any kids, I don't have that many friends, my parents couldn't care less about me or what I do with my life, who am I doing this for? Nobody. I'm not even doing it for myself.

I'm just doing it to pass the time. My short time here on earth.

6:18 PM

I wrote like two lines of code total. Most of my time was spent researching how to access the Instagram photos in the first place, and I think I figured it out. I just have to find a way now to parse through JSON and download the images that way. I wrote about this more extensively in my notes for this project of course, but again I haven't made any program to be able to go through those notes and put them up yet.

I am so hungry. I have barely eaten anything all day. I have to go and cook beans now, which will take around an hour before I can eat. I wanted to cook beans earlier at around 11 AM, so that by the time I finished my web page development course hour, beans would be ready, but that meant interrupting my flow a little bit, so I skipped out on that.

I have finished everything on my to do list for the day, except for the working on my homework part for at least an hour part. I am going to cook some food and then work on my homework after eating. Or maybe I should cook some food, then work on my homework while the beans cook, and then eat, and then continue my homework? I think that's what I'm going to do.

7:08 PM

I checked my homework for the week and saw what I had to read and what I had to do. This week the topic is sorting algorithms. I feel like I haven't even mastered or fully learned all the lessons from the previous weeks yet. I feel like it would be completely appropriate for me to start again on the first week and do all the exercises and homework from then on until today. I don't feel like I'm caught up at all.

This week's homework assignment is to write a sorting algorithm, whether it's quicksort, mergesort, or shell sort. These algorithms are already publicly available, but the task is to write it yourself understanding the basic description and method.

I also stumbled across a Wikipedia article that described real numbers. Real numbers are any number that can be represented along a line. This puts in imaginary numbers as numbers that can't be placed in this line. That's so interesting. What about 3d numbers, numbers instead of represented on a line, can be represented on a 3d axis? That sounds insane, to today's understanding of mathematics, but who knows what's possible in the future.

8:15 PM

Oh my gosh I am so full. I went from extremely hungry to extremely full in the span of just a few minutes. I ate a bunch of beans. Beans full you up a lot since it's a heavy food. My stomach hurts. I shouldn't eat so much next time.

8:21 PM

I did it. I finished all my work today. Some things I didn't actually 'finish', like I didn't do any of my homework (I just studied for an hour) and I didn't finish the Instagram Downloader program (I just read online sources for an hour), but they still counted as me finishing the work on my to do list I put up this morning.

I'll do the same thing for tomorrow. I'm really full and tired right now, I am going to either watch some videos or chill out for a bit. Ahh I'm so full.

8:42 PM

Coca-Cola. This is a modern drink of our times. It has a real unique taste, the ingredients a closely guarded secret. How can I describe it? When you pour Coca-Cola into a cup, it starts to fizz and fuzz, making a loud fizzy sound, sort of like the static from a television, but more organic sounding. The sound is from the bubbles rapidly forming, and then rapidly popping one by one, if you take a close look at it, you can see the small bubbles popping all over, making that sound, and evaporating the aroma that smells like how the drink tastes.

It's a brown color, sort of like maple syrup, but darker, and it has a low viscosity able to flow like water. It smells sweet, usually served cold, and it leaves this strange 'melting' sensation in the mouth. If you're not used to drinking such soft drinks, this 'melting' sensation can be uncomfortable, but it's part of the charm of why it's such a popular drink today. This drink is sold all over the world and its taste can be distinguished by anyone who has tasted it before.

It leaves a comfortable sweet after-taste in your mouth, making you crave more. This is such a classic drink. I'm glad I drank some tonight, it's something I probably haven't drank in a few years, and I'm not exaggerating. I never drink soft drinks, I only drink juices and water. There are other kinds of soft drinks out there, but I haven't tasted them in years either, I haven't had a point to.

Why did I try to describe it? For historical archival purposes, just in case it disappears one day. I can't really describe the taste anymore than that, English is a limited language when it comes to describing exact sounds, tastes, or other sensations. You can't describe any sensation to someone who has never experienced that sensation before. In what language is it possible to do this?

Usually you are able to describe sensations to others by having them experience that sensation, and then giving a word for that sensation. For example, the word Umami is one I have never come to understand. It's a Japanese word for a 5th taste of the tongue. The four English ones: bitterness, saltiness, sweetness, and sourness. Those four, I can't even describe that well, but I can distinguish them since I've experienced all of them before. How can I even describe something sweet to someone who has never experienced it before?

Anyway, Umami is the fifth sensation of the tongue. It's a word I have never understood. I know Tomatoes are supposed to be high in Umami. It's supposed to describe a 'richness' and 'fullness' in flavor, but I don't think I've ever tasted that. I have never eaten some food and thought 'wow this is high in Umami'. Even though I've probably experienced Umami before, the way it's been described to me several times in English, still has not made me understand exactly what it is.

So what the heck is it? Carrots are also supposedly high in Umami. When I eat Carrots, they usually don't taste like anything. Just a hard tasting food. They do have a taste though, but it's very subtle. See, because Umami isn't used so often in our English culture, and it's not something I've ever heard used in a sentence in real life of someone going 'Wow the Umami on this food is so high, it's higher than the normal amount of Umami. It's so Umami-full', that I have never really come to understand what it means.

I still have no idea what Umami means. I've read several descriptions of it several times. I've skimmed through the Wikipedia page, I've tasted and eaten foods supposedly high in it, but I still don't know what it means.

Considering I can taste foods and still don't know what a certain 'taste' is after it's been described to me despite eating food my entire life on a daily basis, you can imagine how hard it is to describe sensations to someone who has never experienced it before. I've experienced Umami, but I don't even know what it is. How can I describe Coca-Cola to someone who has never tasted it?

It's just a limitation with all languages in general. There's no way to do it. There's too few words to describe many intangible concepts that we don't even have a word for yet. Language limits thoughts however. If English didn't have a word for 'courage', for example, then English speakers would have no idea what it is. If there was no word for 'time', then no one would know what it was.

For example, I can make up a concept right now that has no word for it. How about a word for the sensation of imaginarily being squished and flattened like a pancake? Sure someone can just use 'they felt like they were being flattened like a pancake', but I'm talking about an actual word for it, for that concept and sensation. How about a word to describe your skin being flipped inside out? Or a word describing the feeling of wanting to stick something into your fingernails (something I do often when I have a pillowcase where I can fold a small part of its edges into a sharp 'triangle', sometimes I don't so I can't)?

How about a word for wanting to lose weight? That's something common in our society today, but there's not a word to describe it. A word for wanting to be rich? A word for wanting to be skilled? These describe my own wants... How about a word for running sideways? Not just 'oh he was running sideways' but maybe 'he was ganning' (to gan is to run sideways). "He ganned through the thin alleyway where his obese pursuer wasn't able to get through."

How about even, a word for running backwards? "The footballer nanned and caught the ball headed towards him." You know we create labels to describe new things all the time. Anytime a new person is born, they become a new 'thing', and they're instantly given a name to distinguish them from other similar things. That makes them unique.

There's probably as many intangible concepts out there as there can be possible art, possible music, possible math discoveries, possible programs, and so on, basically limitless. So there's not that many words available right now. There's going to be a whole lot of new words in the future, and English as we know it in the time period I'm in, will be unrecognizable from future English.

I mean already Shakespeare's work is confusing to read through and he lived just a few hundred years ago. Language changes. But I can still completely understand works from the early 20th century as I can modern English today, so maybe it won't change all that much. Maybe in a few hundred years.

Anyway I'm going to take a break again.

10:59 PM

There used to be this theme park ride called the Caterpillar I vaguely remember from the Philippines. There was a carnival set up literally just right across from the home I used to live in as a kid. Man those were such good days, except at that point in time I never thought I would be living in the U.S. in the future. Anyway, this Caterpillar ride was one of my favorites, I had memories of it going so fast, and it was so scary. Like as a kid, it was terrifying and scary to ride.

I searched it on the Internet and a Wikipedia page popped up of the Caterpillar ride. Apparently this ride used to be so popular that it was in almost available in every theme park in the U.S. but quickly dwindled down in popularity. There's only two in operating existence today, one is in New Hampshire, the other is in Canada.

Actually looking at a FPOV video of it, it's not the same ride. There's this weird thing that comes down and covers it? I don't remember that happening. Maybe it was a completely different ride, but it was just called the Caterpillar in the Philippines. Anyway, I'm just reminiscing. I would love to visit a theme park again once I save enough. First I need an income in the first place.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 6:10 AM

6:10 AM – Wasting Time – 6:27 AM

6:27 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 6:33 AM

6:33 AM – Planning Today – 6:37 AM

6:37 AM – Writing Journal – 6:40 AM

6:40 AM – Web Developer Course – 8:40 AM

8:40 AM – Writing Journal – 8:54 AM

8:54 AM – Nap – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Writing Journal – 10:03 AM

10:03 AM – Preparing Food – 10:10 AM

10:10 AM – Eating Food – 10:18 AM

10:18 AM – Preparing Food – 10:27 AM

10:27 AM – Eating Food – 10:38 AM

10:38 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:38 AM

11:38 AM – Break – 11:43 AM

11:43 AM – Writing Journal - 11:46 AM

11:46 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:47 PM

12:47 AM – Writing Journal – 12:51 PM

12:51 PM – Nap – 2:44 PM

2:44 PM – Preparing Food – 2:49 PM

2:49 PM – Eating Food – 2:54 PM

2:54 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 3:00 PM

3:00 PM – Walking Outside – 4:13 PM

4:13 PM – Writing Journal – 4:14 PM

4:14 PM – Taking Shower – 4:27 PM

4:27 PM – Writing Journal – 4:29 PM

4:29 PM – Reviewing Yesterday – 4:37 PM

4:37 PM – Converting and Uploading Past Days' Entries – 4:45 PM

4:45 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos to IG – 5:02 PM

5:02 PM – Writing Journal – 5:07 PM

5:07 PM – Working on Instagram Photo Downloader – 6:18 PM

6:18 PM – Writing Journal – 6:22 PM

6:22 PM – Preparing Food – 6:28 PM

6:28 PM – Homework – 7:08 PM

7:08 PM – Writing Journal – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Homework – 7:41 PM

7:41 PM – Preparing Food – 7:45 PM

7:45 PM – Eating Food – 7:55 PM

7:55 PM – Preparing Food – 8:00 PM

8:00 PM – Eating Food – 8:15 PM

8:15 PM – Writing Journal – 8:17 PM

8:17 PM – Wasting Time – 8:21 PM

8:21 PM – Writing Journal – 8:25 PM

8:25 PM – Break – 8:41 PM

8:41 PM – Writing Journal – 9:36 PM

9:36 PM – Break – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Writing Journal – 11:07 PM

11:07 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (11:06)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:14)
Planning Today (0:04)
Writing Journal (1:49)
Web Developer Course (5:01)
Walking Outside (1:13)
Converting and Uploading Past Days' Entries (0:08)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos to IG (0:17)
Working on Instagram Photo Downloader (1:11)
Homework (1:07)

Neutral Hours (11:37)
Sleep (6:10)
Nap (1:59)
Preparing Food (0:36)
Eating Food (0:49)
Break (1:44)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:06)
Taking Shower (0:13)

Non-Productive Hours (1:23)
Wasting Time (1:23)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 7
Java: 0
Programming: 3
Exercise: 3

Saturday, March 10th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (Study for 5 hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Work on Word to HTML Converter (add ability to find and add Strikethroughs, review bullet points)
Upload Previous Day's Journal Entry
Upload Previous Days' Photos to IG
Instagram Photo Downloader (Work on For 1 Hour)
Homework (Work on Linked List Implementation in Python and Java for at least an hour)

7:28 AM

Alright I just woke up recently. The plan is basically the same as yesterday's. I admit I didn't get that much sleep tonight, so I'm kind of disappointed in that. I'm still a little bit tired and sleepy right now, but I'm already awake so there's nothing I can do about it. It's going to be really hard to fall back asleep.

So, I have around 14 hours or so of being awake. Maybe 12 hours. This is less than yesterday's, because I had less sleep last night. Still, 10 hours is just enough to get all my tasks in, and I have two or so hours extra. Hmm. I'm yawning.

I'm considering lying down again and trying to go to sleep to get some more energy. I will try that actually, I don't know if I'll last five hours trying to do the web developer course if I'm tired like this.

4:32 PM

There's really nothing I can do about dying, is there? The last time I wrote on here it was 7:28 AM. The day was ahead of me. I just had to study for 5 hours and then exercise, and so on, and so on, and I would've been done with everything. I would've been done with studying by around 1 PM if I just did that from 7 AM onwards.

Now it's already 4:32 PM. I feel like it's too late. Even if I put in 5 hours straight right now, it would be 9:32 PM, I wouldn't have the complete time to do everything else. I know why I'm procrastinating too. It's because the task before me is difficult. I have to remake the BBC website and when I spent an hour on it last time, I was barely able to get anything done.

The thought of having to spend five hours on it, and just struggle and struggle, made me want to give up before I even started. I wrote about wanting to take a nap, but instead I started watching some anime. I finished two entire Anime series' during this entire time. Maybe 3. It's so bad I don't even remember all of these anime's names. I finished 2-3 but I watched several different anime series', since last night.

These were the ones I completed: Inou Battle and Yamada Kun to 7-nin no Majo. I watched these other ones as well, at least three episodes and some of them to the near end: Kokoro Connect, Sakurada Reset, and Amagi Brilliant Park. There might have been some other ones I missed too where I just saw a single episode or two and I can't recall their names. But yeah there's a lot of anime out there.

The reason why I didn't study at 12 PM was because I figured if I started then, I wouldn't be done until 5 PM, and then it would have been 'too late' by that point. That's the similar logic I'm using to procrastinate and not do anything right now. I'm already too tired.

7:14 PM

I fell asleep for the past few hours. It's now been over 12 hours since I woke up this morning and decided on what I had to do for the day. There's no way I can fit in another 5 hours of studying tonight before the day ends (it's physically impossible since there's less than 5 hours left today), so I'm going to be revising my to do list for just what I have to do tonight. If I'm able to get this done tonight, I'll consider today a success still, despite having procrastinated and wasting so much time.

Yeah. That'll be the compromise I have to make. There's still a few hours left today, I'll try and make the most of it. I realize the mistake I made today, and I'll try not to make those same mistakes again.

Tasks Today (Procrastination Update)
Web Developer Course (Study for 1 hours)
Walk / Run Outside (30 minutes)
Work on Word to HTML Converter (add ability to find and add Strikethroughs)
Upload Previous Day's Journal Entry
Upload Previous Day's and Today's Photos to IG
Instagram Photo Downloader (Work on For 30 Minutes)
Homework (Work on Linked List Implementation in Python and Java for at least 30 minutes)

9:39 PM

Woohoo! I did over an hour today! It wasn't even that hard actually, once I got started, I got a flow going. Also, it's so much harder than I thought. I got the topmost part of the header of the website done similar to the way the website is built, but the header is split up into three parts. When I started working on the second part, then the entire first part of the header became messed up!

I'm just using some cheap 'sleazy' tricks to get it done though, since I don't know the 'proper' way if any, there is to do this, and it worked for the top part, but then it didn't work for the next part. I don't know what to do to fix the second part though, but I can work on it tomorrow.

I have to get some exercise in so I'm going to walk outside for a bit tonight.

11:53 PM

Oh yeah, what a good day today, in the last four hours of it anyway. I wasted my time with the anime, I didn't really learn anything from watching even 10 hours or more (however many hours I watched it for) of watching anime didn't really change my life at all in any way. How could it? But my one hour of working on the course I was working on, didn't really do much to my life either, but I slightly learned a bit more.

It doesn't feel like I learned anything since I'm working on a project and it's freaking hard and I'm trying to figure things out and things aren't working as I want them to work, but I think I'm learning. I think this is how you learn, by just trying something hard, and keeping at it for a while until it's understood.

Anyway, I wasted a lot of time today. I may waste a lot of time tomorrow as well. I'm planning on actually playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided for a little bit after midnight, before I go to sleep. It's been a while since I played it and I think it'll be fun to get used to again.

Also I'm quite sleepy as well so I may just call it quits too. Either way the day is over now, it went by quick, and I realize I'm going to die someday.

As the days pass by, the clock ticks round and round, looping in a never-ending cycle, not getting anywhere, but somehow getting closer and closer to the day I'll be dead.

Time Log

12:00 AM - Wasting Time – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 6:40 AM

6:40 AM – Wasting Time – 7:20 AM

7:20 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 7:25 AM

7:25 AM – Planning Today – 7:28 AM

7:28 AM – Writing Journal – 7:36 AM

7:36 AM – Wasting Time – 9:44 AM

9:44 AM – Preparing Food – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – Eating Food – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Preparing Food – 10:04 AM

10:04 AM – Eating Food – 10:10 AM

10:10 AM – Wasting Time – 4:32 PM

4:32 PM – Writing Journal – 4:41 PM

4:41 PM- Sleep – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Writing Journal – 7:22 PM

7:22 PM – Bathroom – 7:45 PM

7:45 PM – Reading Productivity Guides – 8:16 PM

8:16 PM – Web Developer Course – 9:39 PM

9:39 PM – Writing Journal – 9:42 PM

9:42 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 10:00 PM

10:00 PM – Walking Outside – 10:34 PM

10:34 PM – Working on Word to HTML Converter – 11:24 PM

11:24 PM – Taking Photos – 11:28 PM

11:28 PM – Uploading Previous Day's Journal Entry – 11:34 PM

11:34 PM – Uploading Previous Day's and Today's Photos to IG – 11:53 PM

11:53 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:31)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:05)
Planning Today (0:03)
Writing Journal (0:26)
Reading Productivity Guides (0:31)
Web Developer Course (1:23)
Walking Outside (0:34)
Working on Word to HTML Converter (0:50)
Taking Photos (0:04)
Uploading Previous Day's Journal Entry (0:06)
Uploading Previous Day's Photos to IG (0:19)

Neutral Hours (8:20)
Sleep (4:40)
Preparing Food (0:08)
Eating Food (0:19)
Bathroom (0:23)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:18)

Unproductive Hours (11:10)
Wasting Time (11:10)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 8
Java: 0
Programming: 3
Exercise: 3

Sunday, March 11th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (Study for 5 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Instagram Photo Downloader (Work on for 1 Hour)
Homework (Work on for 2 Hours)
Take Daily Photos
Upload Yesterday's Journal Entry
Upload Today's Daily Photos

8:45 AM

I just woke up, almost literally. I had a few minutes to lie in bed to think about the dream I just had, it felt so real and vivid, like I was actually there.

My dream took place in the Philippines. That's where I'm from and where I grew up, I lived a 4 hour drive away from the capital, which is where most tourists go, and even the capital is a pretty poor place, but they have no idea what it's like out in the actual 'provinces' (common slang word we use to describe areas where foreigners rarely go, it's also used to describe borders within the Philippines sort of like States in the U.S.) where foreigners are almost never seen, where English can just be barely understood and spoken.

Anyway, so in this dream I don't remember what it was or why I had to do this, but I was tasked to do something on the other side of town. To get around of course, I walked, which was the most common mode of transportation in this third world country. So the streets were beaten up looking dirty and littered with trash, the road construction quality was poor, the entire road was basically one large piece of cement with uneven surfaces and no lines on it, both sides of the road surrounded by buildings and stores, which doubled as house residents. All buildings had metal bars on the windows making each window look like a prison, and each building looked beat up and trashed in its own right. This is just how it was, this is how it is in real life as well.

My dream became a vivid memory of the real world. That wasn't what stood out the most from my dream though. So I was tasked to do some task that required me from walking from one side of town to the other, which meant I had to go through streets like this. What was gruesome to me was that I saw pigs chained up, lying on their backs, with their stomachs bulging out, strewn up in cages or just out in the open on the ground or on tables. They were visible just out on the side of the road, near residences. Some were even placed just a little bit underground beneath the road, where a metal grate still made them visible although it was a little dark there, and where vehicles would drive over them.

This was such a painful sight for me to look at. I couldn't believe the atrocities being done, to see pigs on their backs like this, all chained up. The worst part was that I was able to understand them. Of course they didn't speak English, but I understood them as if they were, a lot of them were quiet, some of them screamed out for help. I remember one of them was asleep a little bit underground, visible through a metal grate which also acted as the cage door, and this thing was huge, as it made all the pigs there visible. This one pig was sleeping, with its snout somehow on the grate, as a vehicle drove over it, shaking it up, waking up the pig. The pig made a nonchalant comment about not sleeping in that position again.

Throughout the city as I would walk I would observe this ghastly view, and be shocked and awed the entire time. There was nothing I could do about it. I was powerless to stop this as the laws of the world made this legal. I was angered, but motivated to try and change something.

The next part of my dream had me flying back to the U.S., and somewhere along the flight, maybe it was at an airport, but I remember it being at some other building, a mayor's house party or something (dreams are unbounded and you can be progressing along a story line to get somewhere but then all of a sudden you're on the other side of the universe and in a dream context this made sense). In this house party I met the mayor of a town (not in the Philippines as the race population here looked more like it was in the U.S.) and he persuaded me to vote for him.

This second part of my dream is irrelevant to the first part, but thoughts and memories of the first part and what I had seen still lingered in my mind. This mayor had talked about several issues with me to try and persuade me to vote for him, but he ignored the biggest issue of all from my perspective and that was the issue of animal cruelty, violence, torture, and slaughter. All of a sudden there was an angry crowd of people, voters, that were unhappy with this mayor and they started rebelling against him and saying what a liar and corrupt politician he was.

To me none of that really mattered, the largest problem still existed. It's something nearly impossible to beat, it's something accepted today by modern society by the majority of the people. People don't know how messed up the world really is, while they complain about the minor issues, and every issue is minor compared to this, the actual blood of billions of lives are being spilled on a daily basis, taken from them through torture, slaughter, and death.

In real life I have not eaten any meat for nearly six years. It was sometime in late 2012 that I became a vegan. I was obese at the time and was barely able to perform well in athletics, I was in college and in ROTC where I had to wake up at 5 AM every MWF, and run and do exercises for two hours until 8 AM. What surprised me is that despite doing two hours of grueling exercises three times a week, I was still unfit and unhealthy, always the last person when we did our run around the campus. At some point while studying in the library at night, I was in a private room in the library which was this small room with a desk and a chair that you could reserve, I had two whoppers with me that I was eating, and I just felt like I had a 'mini-heart attack' where my chest felt tight and constricted, I was barely able to breathe, and felt almost like blacking out.

I was on the floor on all fours trying to breathe. I was in a private room so no one could see me, and it was late at night so barely anyone was in the library to begin with. I didn't scream or anything, I tried to get composure by myself in this room. I pulled myself back up to the desk and sat back down on the chair, I eyed my half eaten whopper and the other completely unopened whopper, and I just threw them both away in the garbage next to me. They cost me around $3 each, which to a college student that had no source of income, that was a considerable amount of money. I then started looking up sources online on what I could do to lose weight, and I tried several advice, guides, and diets.

It wasn't until a short time afterwards, maybe a month or so of trying out different things, that I stumbled across this video guide on how to beat cancer. This sounds completely like pseudoscience as so many people lose cancer on a daily basis right? Well I learned about these chemicals known as phytochemicals and a subset of these chemicals were known as phytonutrients. These were found predominantly in plant foods. Phytonutrients were able to fight and block various diseases, including cancer, and saw that animal products actually increased cancer risk. This was proven to me when I saw the study of blood and poop of vegans/vegetarians/non-vegs being compared with one another, drops of these different groups' blood or poop were dropped on cancer cells, and the results would be shown on how many cancer cells were eliminated. The vegan group consistently won, so I decided to give it a try.

That was around six years ago, my study and understanding of the topic has greatly improved since then. The main takeaway I was able to get was that every disease and illness in this world can be cured by certain foods, diets, and behaviors. Pills and prescriptions are not necessary when every health problem in the world can be cured without them. Of course I'm not discounting surgery or other emergency procedures that are required sometimes, just pills and prescription pills, which I describe as just grounded up plants and chemicals placed in tiny capsules that have less potency than actual plant foods. Why take pills when you can eat food?

So along the way since my lifestyle and understanding of the world had changed, I became pretty enraged at our society that we continue to slaughter animals on a daily basis and continue to waste valuable resources such as the majority of our freshwater supply, the majority of our crops, and a good amount of our time, to raising live sentient beings each as individual as us, only to slaughter them for food in the end. It's such a waste not only for the lives cruelly and wastefully ended, but also for the human health damaged, and the environmental impact this animal agriculture has.

I have been eating some vegan meat-substitute products lately since my dad has been buying them for himself, he's also a vegan after I showed him studies of how ridding himself of animal products could cure his gout, and have been showing these vegan meat-substitute products in my daily photos of what I eat, but I think I'll stop now. I mean they taste exactly like meat does, the texture and feel are the same. I haven't eaten meat in nearly six years and feel completely fine, in fact I'm in much better health than ever before, and I don't exercise all that much, I only started doing my daily walks just recently.

I have come to understand there is almost nothing I can do about this situation despite understanding how it's possibly the worst problem of the world today. Sure there's politics, there's war, there's corruption, and other minor problems, but in my opinion, this is the biggest problem in the world that would solve our energy crisis and most of our environmental problems overnight, yet few others see it that way. I understand every other issue is minor compared to this, my own personal problems are nonexistent in fact.

This is one of the things that motivates me in the world, but I constantly forget about it. I try to solve the problem and contribute in my own way, one step at a time. I understand that it's a problem I will never solve, but as I continue to live, I will strive to solve it.

11:17 AM

Well it's time that I take my health and fitness more seriously than ever before. The past few weeks I was in the Philippines, I kept eating a ton of different kinds of foods, and I realize that my stomach became larger as a result. I have to eat much less food on a daily basis if I want to attain a better health and fitness for myself.

I don't even know how much I weigh, but if I were to estimate I would be in the range of around 180 through 195. I weight around 240-250 pounds at my peak, so I'm significantly at a much better health stage than before, but I'm still unhealthy. I need to walk and run more and also eat less foods. I eat way too much food right now.

Today we're taking my dad to a Chinese vegetarian restaurant for his birthday that he wants to go to since he is a vegan himself, it's just a Chinese restaurant where you can order all the normal Chinese foods, but vegetarian versions of them. It's a great place to eat, lots of items on the menu. I'm going to be ordering just a light meal, maybe just some vegetable sushi, instead of my normal "general tso's tofu" plus whatever other foods I would get.

We're going to be heading out soon, I'm going to be working on the website before then, and I will still try to get five hours in today. The way my list is organized is that it works in a hierarchy with the most important tasks coming in first at the top, and to 'unlock' the next set of activities, I would have to first complete the one above it. The web developer course is by far the hardest and most important activity on the list, and because of that it should be the first thing I work on.

If I want to upload my photos to IG later tonight or upload my latest journal entry to my website, I will first have to complete my five hours of web development, then I would have to walk/run outside for exercise (this can be any amount of time as I didn't put a time limit on it), then work on the Instagram photos downloader, then two hours of homework, take my daily photos, and then finally can I upload my journals and photos online.

That's for today anyway. The task list changes day to day, but the underlying principle would be the same. I have to do each task one by one, if I want to do the next task below. So that's how it works. I'm going to continue working on the web developer course now so that I finish it later.

10:41 PM

Well I have officially lost motivation to do anything else for the remainder of the day. I just feel too tired and/or unmotivated to do anything else now. I just feel like playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided for the rest of the night.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 12:02 AM

12:02 AM – Planning Today – 12:05 AM

12:05 AM – Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided – 3:40 AM

3:40 AM – Sleep – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Writing Journal – 9:53 AM

9:53 AM – Bathroom – 10:18 AM

10:18 AM – Reading Book on Aging – 10:40 AM

10:40 AM – Watching Videos on Aging – 11:17 AM

11:17 AM – Writing Journal – 11:30 AM

11:30 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 11:46 AM

11:46 AM – Working on Web Developer Course – 12:43 PM

12:43 PM – Lunch with Parents – 2:52 PM

2:52 PM – Working on Web Developer Course – 4:25 PM

4:25 PM – Sleep – 6:41 PM

6:41 PM – Working on Web Developer Course – 8:41 PM

8:41 PM – Wasting Time – 10:41 PM

10:41 PM – Writing Journal – 10:44 PM

10:44 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:52)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:02)
Planning Today (0:03)
Writing Journal (1:24)
Reading Books on Aging (0:22)
Watching Videos on Aging (0:37)
Cleaning Up Room (0:16)
Working on Web Developer Course (4:30)

Neutral Hours (9:55)
Sleep (9:21)
Bathroom (0:25)
Lunch with Parents (2:09)

Unproductive Hours (6:50)
Playing Deus Ex Mankind Divided (3:35)
Wasting Time (3:15)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 12
Java: 0
Programming: 3
Exercise: 3

Monday, March 12th 2018

Tasks Today
Create Pomodoro Program
Web Developer Course (5 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Homework (Write Linked List algorithm in Python then Java, write Binary Search Tree algorithm in Python then Java)
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Journal Entries

Schedule Today
Write Pomodoro Program
Web Developer Course / Break Combo as often as required
Eat Food after 2 hours, then again after another 2 hours
Prepare to Go Outsides
Walk/Run Outside
Homework / Break Combo as often as required
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Journal Entries

1:14 PM

Woohoo! I'm really proud of what I have gotten done so far. I've been productive for most of the day since this morning, I made a quick Pomodoro program that would just interrupt me after 30 minutes to let me know it was time to take a break. After that, working has become so much easier. I'm so surprised and shock at how easy it is to pay attention now that breaks have been implemented. Before this, I would try to get 5 hours done in just one go, and although that would have saved around an hour of break time, it would have been completely exhausting to go through.

I also worked the BBC site project again today, I gave up last night and called it quits with my current design and where it was headed, so I just 'cheated' and started watching the answer videos on how it was supposed to be done. After I started watching the videos, my frustration slowly went away, ohh now I get it. That's how it's supposed to be done.

It's pretty much not at all confusing now, now that I know how it's done. I actually managed to get most of the header done today, and I made sure to spice it up a little better than the answer videos as well, there is just one tiny section left.

So far I think the way my HTML and CSS code is organized is way more organized than the instructor's. The instructor had to make several divs for almost every element, I'm like what the hell. I just ended up giving the elements their own unique IDs and manipulated their CSS that way, instead of having to make a new DIV each time for every single piece. I think my way made more sense, it looks cleaner in the code too.

This was such a good activity. I enjoyed doing this. I just have around 2 hours and 12 minutes left of web development time before I can get my full five hours in. Believe it or not, it's actually extremely difficult to get that kind of time in. I don't know how some people are able to study 9 hours a day when I can barely last five hours doing something a lot more exciting than studying.

Anyway, I guess this is my life right now. I've just been here in my room since this morning, staring at this computer screen, seemingly no purpose in life. I wonder if I can share my project code with others? It does have the BBC logo on it, so I wonder if that's not allowed because of that.

I just checked online and it seems like from some other individuals taking the course, they have indeed uploaded all their files regarding the website onto Github. If I'm going to do the same, I'm going to remove the BBC branding first. I want to be able to share my work and code, but maybe not have any branding on it.

Wait, WTF. I'm checking my repositories, and I have a "Websites" repository. In this "Websites" repository, I have this BBC website there already, and the code is long. WTF. I have to check this out. This was from two years ago.

Well that's pretty overpowered. I finished most of the site before. I got way further than the header. Pretty much 90% of the website was completed. How the hell did I know how to do this before, but when I tried doing it again recently, I was so frustrated and barely knew how? Let me check out my code of how I was able to do it back then.

Oh gosh not bad. I wrote it in LESS back then so there's a bunch of weird spacing in the CSS, and I wrote the HTML in Jade. That's what I remember. I remembered myself doing part of it, but I don't recall doing it this much. Holy crap. Also from the videos, it keeps track of whether you watched them or not. I had not watched any answer videos until literally this morning, so I made this entire website by myself two years ago without peeking at the answers. That's really impressive.

I would say my code today is more refined though. I'm just completely blown away by this. Who knows how far I could have gone had I just kept this up? But I gave up at some point, feeling bored or tired or something. I don't even know how many hours this took me to work on, but it looks like quite some effort was put in. It's taking me a really long time now. Also I didn't upload the images folder to github for some reason, just the html and css.

Not bad though, not bad. I think my website today is better, I did things precisely and smoothly, it looks very identical, almost exactly. It does look completely different in Firefox though. Everything is so different across these two browsers.

I'm not planning on making websites from scratch raw like this all the time though so I'm not going to bother fixing it for both browsers right now, I plan on using a template framework such as Bootstrap to make all this transition across browsers seamless. However, this browser difference is a concern and I've taken note of it.

I'm going to let my eyes take a break and walk outside now.

4:55 PM

In that last hour of web development I unintentionally did not take a break at the 30 minute mark and instead kept on going for another 30 minutes. I'm surprised I was able to last for so long! I'm also surprised there's still 37 minutes left of web page development that I have to do! That's so unbelievable.

I actually just finished the entire header already, and I think it's looking good. I ended up fixing the issues with Firefox that I was having before even though I said I would just ignore it, but after I fixed them and added a new section to the header, new issues popped up. So this time I'm done trying to fix Firefox issues since frameworks will solve that problem later on anyway.

6:39 PM

I love time travel stories. I'm watching this anime called Occult Academy right now and it is about time travel. Apparently I also read online that Future Diary was about time travel, although I never got to that point yet. I might revisit Future Diary just to see that part happening though. But anyway, the reason I took a break in the first place was because my mom invited me to go out so we could buy a cake for my dad.

Well she said she would just get changed, so I took a 'break' which I thought was just going to be a couple of minutes. Then it turns out she started watching TV and now there's nothing happening. What the hell. I'm going to continue 'taking a break' anyway.

8:41 PM

Well my other computer that I watch anime on is behind by one hour. I thought the time right now was still 7:41 PM which is why I stayed there for so long. It turns out I'm behind. It's already well past 8 PM, it's almost 9 PM. I've been watching Occult Academy and I thought it was mainly about time travel, but it's really mainly about the occult, and the time travel bit is just a tiny part of it.

Anyway, this anime led me somehow to a top 10 list of the worst ways to die. Of course it's all based on opinion, but the article was pretty detailed describing each agonizing way to die, and they were all agonizing. This led me to the belief that there was no good way to die. I've thought about it, there's a bunch of different proposed supposedly 'painless' ways to die, but who can know for certain? The people that go through these procedures can't give any testimonials or reviews on any method of dying. Methods of death are something you can't really compare with one or another.

Can I name the top 10 worst ways to die according to the list I saw? I just want to try and recall it as a challenge. Here we go, in order from best to worst in this list of the worst: Starvation, Thirst, Lethal Injection, Electric Chair, Decapitation, Crucifixion, Burning, Decompression, Radiation, and finally Scaphism! Whew! I got it! Let me check if my answers are correct...

Well I got the items right but the order was wrong. This is the correct order: Starvation, Dehydration, Decapitation, Lethal Injection, Electric Chair, Crucifixion, Decompression, Burning, Radiation, Scaphism. So I got it close, but I had the order of some items wrong and therefore nearly the entire thing was wrong. I'm also surprised I was able to remember the word 'Scaphism'. English truly is the richest language with the most words, as there are even words for something as specific as 'death by being put into a boat and being eaten alive by insects'.

11:27 PM

Ah the day is gone again. I ended up watching this anime called Orange and I've seen roughly 7-8 episodes so far today already. I also saw 2-3 episodes of this other anime that I completely forgot the name of and the story by now, since I didn't care for it at all. Oh yeah, that Occult Academy show I mentioned before. Yeah I saw a few episodes of that, and then I stumbled across Orange.

I'm a little bit in tears right now from the show. It's a really good show I think. Pretty slow paced, but it feels realistic. The story is about how a 26 year old sends letters to her 16 year old self detailing regrets she's lived with up to that point, asking her 16 year old version to do things she didn't do and regretted not doing or to not do things that she regretted doing. The opening of the show starts with a line like "10 years is a long time", referring to the gap between 16 and 26, and I fully agree.

The changes between 10 through 18 were massive. From 18 to 26, even though it's the same amount of time, it feels like there's almost no difference between an 18 year old and a 26 year old. Most of the time the differences are indiscernible. It's mostly a difference in skill and knowledge. As a 10 year old you don't know anything, barely know how to read, barely know any math, history, etc. As an 18 year old who went through schooling you basically know everything that the rest of the population knows.

Anyway, I wanted to get 5 hours in today. I am way too sleepy now to be doing anything else. I can barely stay awake right now. I'm going to go to sleep and we'll see how much better I can do tomorrow.

Today was not a bad day, but it could have been better. I think the earlier I wake up, the more work I can done before the afternoon, and then it'll feel like I have a lot of time available throughout the rest of the day. I'm going to try it out. I'll sleep "early" tonight, by that I mean sleep soon, and I'll do work as soon as I wake up. We'll see if I'm more productive by waking up earlier.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 3:30 AM

3:30 AM – Sleep – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Bathroom – 8:36 AM

8:36 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 8:40 AM

8:40 AM – Planning Today – 8:41 AM

8:41 AM – Reading Productivity Guides – 8:47 AM

8:47 AM – Planning Today – 9:03 AM

9:03 AM – Writing Pomodoro Program – 9:25 AM

9:25 AM – Web Developer Course – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Break – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:31 AM

10:31 AM – Break – 10:37 AM

10:37 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:09 AM

11:09 AM – Break – 11:17 AM

11:17 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:48 AM

11:48 AM – Break – 11:51 AM

11:51 AM – Preparing Food – 12:00 AM

12:00 PM – Eating Food – 12:12 PM

12:12 PM – Preparing Food – 12:15 PMs

12:15 PM – Eating Food – 12:27 PM

12:27 PM – Web Developer Course – 1:11 PM

1:11 PM – Break – 1:14 PM

1:14 PM – Writing Journal – 1:42 PM

1:42 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 1:52 PM

1:52 PM – Walking Outside – 3:14 PM

3:14 PM – Web Developer Course – 3:45 PM

3:45 PM – Break – 3:51 PM

3:51 PM – Web Developer Course – 4:55 PM

4:55 PM – Writing Journal – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Preparing Food – 5:12 PM

5:12 PM – Eating Food – 5:24 PM

5:24 PM – Break – 6:39 PM

6:39 PM – Writing Journal – 6:41 PM

6:41 PM – Break – 8:41 PM

8:41 PM – Writing Journal – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Celebrating Birthday with Dad – 9:15 PM

9:15 PM – Eating Food – 10:00 PM

10:00 PM – Wasting Time – 11:27 PM

11:27 PM – Writing Journal - 11:40 PM

11:40 PM – Washing Dishes – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:45)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:04)
Planning Today (0:01)
Reading Productivity Guides (0:06)
Writing Pomodoro Program (0:22)
Web Developer Course (4:23)
Writing Journal (1:07)
Walking Outside (1:22)
Washing Dishes (0:19)

Neutral Hours (10:58)
Sleep (5:00)
Bathroom (0:06)
Break (3:40)
Preparing Food (0:24)
Eating Food (1:21)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:10)
Celebrating Birthday with Dad (0:15)

Unproductive Hours (4:57)
Wasting Time (4:57)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 16
Java: 0
Programming: 3
Exercise: 4

Tuesday, March 13th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (5 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Homework (Write Linked List algorithm in Python then Java, Write Binary Search Tree algorithm in Python then Java)
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries

Schedule Today
9:15 AM – Web Developer / Break Combo – 11:30 AM
11:30 AM – Prepare Food – 11:45 AM
11:45 AM – Web Developer / Break Combo – 12:30 PM
12:30 PM – Eat Food – 1:00 PM
1:00 PM – Web Developer / Break Combo – 4:00 PM
4:00 PM – Walk / Run Outside – 5:30 PM
5:30 PM – Prepare / Eat Food / Break – 6:30 PM
6:30 PM – Homework / Break Combo – 9:00 PM
9:00 PM – Prepare Food / Eat / Break – 10:00 PM
10:00 PM – Homework / Break Combo – 11:00 PM
11:00 PM – Take Today's Photos / Upload Previous Days' Entries and Photos / Break – 11:59 PM

7:40 PM

The way I have my schedule set up, I leave no time to write in this journal.

Anyway, I was able to get five hours of web development time in today. Why is it so hard to do? I woke up at around 8:30 AM this morning, and roughly 11 hours has passed by since then, yet despite planning ahead of time to take full advantage of those 11 hours, I was only able to get in 5 hours of web page development time? Just 5 hours out of 11 hours. That's insane.

I put in so much effort and diligence into this and only managed to get in 5 hours. H-h-how is that even possible? Am I just not trying or planning well enough? Like right now I feel way too tired and exhausted to even be able to walk outside tonight, but I'll do it anyway.

After that, I'll feel too overwhelmed to be able to study... But I'll try to study anyway. Man. I'm not even doing anything hard or complicated, yet I'm having such a hard time.

Also, apparently I have passed both the HTML and CSS portions of the course, so now I'm able to make any website I want. However, it also helps to have learned the correct material, and I know that I basically learned the 'CSS1' or even 'CSS2.1' methods of making websites, and that's by using floats and divs. I know for a fact that this method is outdated. Especially with all the different screen sizes nowadays with mobile phones, tablets, large TV screens, etc, this 'float box' method is way too old.

With CSS3 there came out this new property called, I think, 'display' that allows you to choose and specify from a few different display layouts. There's no need to 'float' anything anymore with these new display layouts, because float was intended for text in the first place when it was first implemented. Float was just used for aligning text either left or right, and having other content go passed it, sort of like a newspaper or magazine. That's what it was created for.

But my course didn't even teach me that. It just said, this is how you make sites, by floating things, and it's so wrong and incorrect in this day and age. It was two years since ago since I first bought the course though, and apparently the course has been around since 2014, so maybe this incorrect way of thinking was still popular back then. But, I'm still glad to have learned this way of making sites, because it's the foundation for how the new layouts were built.

I'm going to have to study and research how to use 'Display' properly if I want to be able to make a really nice CSS3 compatible website, but for now I can at least make any website layout by using the old method. I mean the old method of creating a website can still be used, although it's outdated now. I can try to either redesign my site, maybe make someone a website, maybe try to freelnace, or maybe I can just straight into bootstrap? I kinda don't just want to jump straight into bootstrap though without first relearning the different 'display' property values.

Oh yeah and that's the thing, I learned about 'display' before which is how I come to know about Flexbox, Grid, and uhh whatever the other ones were, but now I don't remember them anymore. Get it? Anyway. I'm going to prepare food, eat some food, and then take a break, and then walk outside.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Washing Dishes – 12:07 AM

12:07 AM – Watching Anime – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Sleep – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Bathroom 8:35 AM

8:35 AM – Wasting Time – 8:53 AM

8:53 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Planning Today – 9:15 AM

9:15 AM – Web Developer Course – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – Break – 9:59 AM

9:59 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:35 AM

10:35 AM – Break – 10:40 AM

10:40 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:36 AM

11:36 AM – Preparing Food – 11:48 AM

11:48 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:30 PM

12:30 PM – Wasting Time – 12:35 PM

12:35 PM – Preparing Food – 12:38 PM

12:38 PM – Eating Food – 12:50 PM

12:50 PM – Preparing Food – 12:54 PM

12:54 PM – Eating Food – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Watching Anime – 2:55 PM

2:55 PM – Web Developer Course – 3:43 PM

3:43 PM – Break – 5:12 PM

5:12 PM – Bathroom – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM – Web Developer Course – 6:23 PM

6:23 PM – Break – 7:05 PM

7:05 PM – Web Developer Course – 7:33 PM

7:33 PM – Break – 7:40 PM

7:40 PM – Writing Journal – 7:52 PM

7:52 PM – Preparing Food – 7:57 PM

7:57 PM – Eating Food – 8:22 PM

8:22 PM – Watching Anime – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:41)
Washing Dishes (0:07)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:07)
Planning Today (0:15)
Web Developer Course (5:00)
Writing Journal (0:12)

Neutral Hours (10:56)
Sleep (7:30)
Bathroom (0:23)
Break (0:52)
Preparing Food (0:24)
Eating Food (1:08)
Nap (1:29)

Non-Productive Hours (6:23)
Watching Anime (6:00)
Wasting Time (0:23)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 21
Java: 0
Programming: 3
Exercise: 4

Wednesday, March 14th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (1 Hour)
Web Page Development (1 Hour)
Homework – Reading assignments
Walk outside
Homework – Forum Discussion
Homework – Programming Assignment
Upload previous days' photos to IG
Upload previous days' entries

8:12 AM

I need to find a way to stop watching anime. Yesterday I wasted so much time being brainwashed and not even thinking about anything while watching anime. It's such a mindless activity, I'd rather be playing video games than wasting my brain cells watching a show.

Yesterday I ended up finishing the entire Orange anime. I was in tears throughout a lot of it, it's a really good anime. I also ended up watching the entire Obunaga Concerto anime, another very good anime I really enjoyed. Then there were like 3-4 different animes I watched 3-4 different episodes of each.... I don't even remember their names.

One was this really long name, I just looked it up, it's called Abenoshi Maho Shotengai, and it looked and felt so much like Gurren Lagann, I found out it was animated by the same studio, I watched 3-4 episodes of it. I also watched 2 episodes of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and 3 episodes of Oda Nobuna No Yabou, and maybe some other series' I can't remember.

I'm super impressed by anime and their animation and art. It takes a lot of work to make each one of these frames, and these anime look so great. Regarding some anime without subtitles, the animation looks pretty limited if you're just looking at the screen the animation footage the entire time, but that doesn't mean they're bad, the anime artwork is still beautiful. W-wh-why are the Japanese so good at art? At this point it's part of their culture, and I think it's because they have to practice their Japanese characters, and this teaches them a subtle way of understanding lines and how to draw, much better than English characters.

I can barely draw. I can draw things if I'm just looking at it directly and I can put it on paper nearly exactly, but I can barely draw anything by just thinking about it. I don't know the techniques and never learned them, but the Japanese, wow. I think they're taught the techniques in school, maybe it's handed over from classmate to classmate, or who knows. I just know there's so many beautiful anime out there, there's probably more anime than there are video games being made in the west. There's also a ton of games on Steam.

All I know is I barely know anything. I'm so stupid in the amount of knowledge and skill I have. I've made my own games and engines before and I barely remember how to do that today, I remember it being a very involved and creative process though. Man. I'm so unskilled.

I have a good amount of homework due tonight, I'm pondering whether I should spend 5 hours doing web development again and the rest of it for homework again like yesterday, except it didn't work out, or if I should cut down my web development hours in order to do more homework. I'll do the latter, I'm going to dedicate less hours to web page development today. Yeah.

Hmm. I'm also planning on updating the website a little, since I should know how to make any web page layout today already, I can just sketch out a design I want, and make it. Of course the only method I know how to use is the CSS1 method of creating layouts, which is creating divs and floating them, I know this isn't the right method, especially in this day and age, but I plan on updating the site later as well anyway, so this will just be temporary.

Or I dunno, I could also learn how to use the new CSS3 methods on making websites, and then redesign the site afterwards. I'm considering both options, though I think the latter is going to be more productive so I'm leaning towards that.

Uhh what else? I think that's it for now. I'm now going to create a plan for the day. I haven't uploaded any previous days' photos or entries lately because I haven't been going through my tasks today properly. I'm hungry and probably going to eat first after planning out the day.

11:01 AM

10 minutes already? My break was 10 minutes long? All I did was lie down for what I thought was a few seconds, and then boom, instantly 10 minutes had passed by. Wow.

Anyway, I've thought about it, and I can pretty much make whatever website I want to now using the CSS1 method of making websites since I now know the technique, but this is outdated. I'm thinking of just jumping straight into Bootstrap so I can remake the website into something better, add a portfolio, and so on.

I'm on the Javascript part of the course now, and I basically learned just how to change html elements on the page using Javascript. This is something I've already known for a while, just something I haven't gone too in depth in. For example I learned about the 'onclick' attribute that allows you to run javascript commands if that element is clicked, I didn't know about that before.

So with this kind of understanding, I think I can actually make a short RPG game using Javascript. Of course the game will suck a lot, and I will probably use "Alerts" or something... I don't know yet... Heh. Anyway, this is so much fun. I think it's completely possible for me to make an RPG game right now without Bootstrap, but I also want to remake the website so I can add this quick RPG game and other quick scripts I've written into my portfolio.

What should I do first? Attempt to make an RPG without bootstrap from scratch, or learn bootstrap and redesign the entire site...? Hmm... I think I'm honestly going to go with the RPG just because it's been a while since I've done anything creative like this, and I think it will be fun. This sounds like so much fun. It'll just be a quick simple game, like a Pokemon battle basically, just one battle... Maybe I should even make a game menu and everything? Heh. Man. I don't know.

Yeah. I'll just start working on it now. I'll sketch out what I want on it, I'll even make a game menu. Yeah. This'll be good. It'll just be like one battle or something. It'll be some short simple thing. It shouldn't be that hard. This will be fun. I'm going to be spending a lot of time 'planning' first, so I won't even get into actual code until a little bit later on, even though I'm going to write my hours as if I were just programming the entire time straight, I'm not.

12:13 PM

Oh gosh this is so not easy. Being creative and coming up with something from scratch is hard. I'm not following any tutorial or any existing builds, I'm making my design and game from scratch, all the code and algorithms used will me made from scratch from what I understand. It's really tough.

12:18 PM

Anyway my fingernails were getting long and it was getting annoying to type. But yeah, so far I've made the layout of the game. It has enemy and player HP on the top left, it has an image of a monster I was able to find online in the public domain, it has an area for story text below all this, and below the text there's a slot for three buttons which can change the other layouts on what you click.

This is so cool. Ultra cool! This is awesome. I like the layout of the game already, although it doesn't do anything. I'm going to go back and see if I can make a button reduce the enemy's HP by clicking on it.

12:40 PM

Whew it's just a little bit past noon and I am already really tired. I don't know why, I just barely did anything the entire day and I'm already tired. I'm going to take a walk outside soon after I eat so I can boost my energy up.

I still have homework due tonight that I did not forget doing, but I'm thinking of other things right now. There's so many things I'm doing at once, and I can barely find the time of the day to do them. Wow. Anyway, I'm going to prepare some food, eat, and then walk.

4:45 PM

I'm back and full of energy now. Time to start on my homework and try to get as much of it done. There's some things that I feel behind on, like I didn't write a class for a Linked List properly in Java, mainly because I didn't know how, and also my Binary Search Tree class was pretty badly written as well, and I barely learned anything from it since I worked on it last second.

I feel like I'm missing a lot of education in my education. Despite having all this free time to study, and I do study, I feel like I still haven't learned a thing. I just barely scratched the surface of what I'm supposed to know and what I'm supposed to learn.

I'm supposed to learn 9 different sorting algorithms this week, I haven't even learned one yet. These are the ones I'm supposed to learn: Insertion, Bubble, Selection, Shell, Merge, Quick, Heap, Bin, and Radix sort. 9 different sorts. I think I knew and wrote algorithms for both the Insertion and Selection sorts but I don't remember them now. I wrote them in Java too, last year.

As I was walking a friend I hadn't talked to in forever and someone who I hadn't seen in probably 1-2 years, well I did text him about his birthday early this January, but anyway, he just texted me and out of the blue said he was interested in building a mining rig. I actually stopped walking and froze in my foot steps. Memories of 2013 and having my own mining rig and being excited about Bitcoin and other crypto coins, back then there were just around 10 of them, flooded my mind.

Then the pain and anguish memories came when I told some friends about it as a group in early 2017, I had my coins from 2013 still and never bothered to buy anymore. A few months later one of my friends in this group came out and said he had made over $100k already from Bitcoin. I hadn't come close to making anywhere near that amount, so I was shocked. I looked at myself in the mirror with regret, like what have I done. I had several years advantage, I tell someone about it, a few months later they're wealthy from it, I'm not.

H-h-how could this happen to me? The memory still floods my mind when it was worth $1k at the beginning of 2017, and I was telling them about it, about how it worked, about how it was mined, etc, etc. I've been keeping it internally, but this memory of mine plays in my head every so often. I would ask myself questions like why didn't I buy any myself during that time, as I was telling them? Why didn't I buy any in 2016 or 2015? I knew about it. I mined in 2013. Why'd I stop?

Lots of memories flooded in, and I felt like there I was with this once in a lifetime opportunity getting in earlier than the vast majority of people, and I squandered it. I feel so much regret and pain from this. I don't like it when anyone talks to me about this subject, I have had one other friend who said he wanted to make a website just based off of cryptocurrency coins and wanted to track them. I have yet another friend who went crazy about them a few months ago, and then another friend who was getting back into it after selling all his coins in 2014. Basically all my friends, and I can't even name a single one who isn't into it now, is into it, and I started before all of them, but I might finish the last out of all of them.

The thing is, they all have jobs and they all have work and an income to be able to buy more coins. What about me? Where is my income? I-I-I don't have anything. I'm much more of an expert in this field than all of them, I've had mining experience in 2013, I created and managed a forum back in 2013 (and I had a really significant domain name that would have been worth so much money today had I kept it), I even made a YouTube channel that has a pretty awesome name that is dedicated to it, and I've dedicated hundreds of hours (thousands?) of reading on the topic since 2013. I know the ins and outs of it, I know trivia, I know the lore, whatever, but it's not knowledge that gets a person wealth in that field, it's basically whoever has more wealth, can get more wealth.

You know, I have pretty eternal regret about it. Why do people have to keep rubbing it in my face? I couldn't tell the future. Also, I feel like there's no one I can confide these regrets to. They're pretty strong regrets. For example, the price of Litecoin at the time I was mining them, and yeah I was able to mine just 4 of them in like a day, was like $1 a coin in 2013. I switched what I was mining though to some other coins, StableCoin which I spent the most time mining, ended up literally disappearing after I spent more than a month mining it.

I had my own stresses and problems at the time. Of course today if I were put back in time to my shoes back then, I would know exactly what to do, exactly when to do them, I would have future knowledge with me. At the time, my problems seemed insurmountable at the time with my resources. I also didn't have an income, well not that much income anyway, I was obese, and I had a car I really hated taking care of because it kept getting scratched and dinged almost every day and the marks would stay, and I didn't like taking care of it because I'd be obsessed about staring out the apartment window to see if people parking next to it would bang their door on it. My blood pressure was high, so was my pulse speed, and I didn't have any friends back then (sort of like right now) as they were all in college.

Also the mining rig was in my room, and I hated sleeping in my room because of the fan noise, and also it would smell weird, like burning metal. That's what I smelled from my room anyway since it was on 24/7, and my bed was right next to it. I felt like my lungs were getting congested from the micro pieces of metal burning up into the air, or I had a thought like that, which is why I turned it off and sold my graphics cards.

A-a-anyway, what's done is done. I really can't live in the past anymore. That regretful 2017 memory still comes up, memories of 2013 still come up, memories of 2015 and 2016 still come up. I can't do anything about those past years anymore. I need to build up a skill so I can find a web development job. Yeah I have a lot of regrets and I do have a lot of pain when I think about those past moments, but what can I do about that now? Nothing...

I can't do anything about that now other than to keep moving forward. I just have to struggle again. Things will get better if I struggle.

11:51 PM

Well tonight I have homework due where I have to write my own quicksort algorithm. It's not due in 4 minutes, but it's actually due in 1 hour and 4 minutes. For some reason the times got shifted back by one hour, so it's 10:51 PM in the school time right now. I don't know the reason of why it went one hour back, but that just gives me an extra hour to figure things out.

However, I don't think I can do this. I know Quicksort now and what's required, but implementing the algorithm for it is too difficult for me. I barely know Java right now (despite back then I knew how to make games with it, I don't even remember how to make classes or anything right now).

Anyway I'm really tired. I'm behind on the reading. I barely understand what's going on in this Data Structures course. I mean I understand the concepts behind these data structures and algorithms, I can describe them and their methods from the top of my head, but do I know how to implement them in actual code? No... I probably can't even do that in Python, the language I'm most familiar with, let alone Java a language I barely use.

Well the thing is, the source code for Quick Sort is already widely available online, and I just have to write my own implementation of it. I don't like copying and I don't want to copy or cheat, because I don't learn anything that way. I'm so frustrated with my life on a level that's indescribable, I can't keep failing like this. Well I'm not really failing, but I do consider myself a failure for my weaknesses and everything I've done wrong in my life so far. I'm so weak.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Anime – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Bathroom – 8:08 AM

8:08 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 8:12 AM

8:12 AM – Writing Journal – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Planning Today – 8:49 AM

8:49 AM – Wasting Time – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Preparing Food – 9:05 AM

9:05 AM – Eating Food – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Preparing Food – 9:16 AM

9:16 AM – Eating Food – 9:26 AM

9:26 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 9:31 AM

9:31 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:18 AM

10:18 AM – Break – 10:23 AM

10:23 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:51 AM

10:51 AM – Break – 11:01 AM

11:01 AM – Writing Journal – 11:08 AM

11:08 AM – Web Page Development – 12:13 PM

12:13 PM – Writing Journal – 12:15 PM

12:15 PM – Cutting Fingernails – 12:18 PM

12:18 PM – Writing Journal – 12:22 PM

12:22 PM – Web Page Development – 12:40 PM

12:40 PM – Writing Journal – 12:42 PM

12:42 PM – Preparing Food – 12:47 PM

12:47 PM – Eating Food – 12:55 PM

12:55 PM – Preparing Food – 12:57 PM

12:57 PM – Eating Food – 1:07 PM

1:07 PM – Watching Anime – 3:15 PM

3:15 PM – Preparing to walk outside – 3:23 PM

3:23 PM – Walking Outside – 4:45 PM

4:45 PM – Writing Journal – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM –Homework – 5:41 PM

5:41 PM – Watching Anime – 8:16 PM

8:16 PM – Wasting Time – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Preparing Food – 9:12 PM

9:12 PM – Homework – 11:51 PM

11:51 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:34)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:04)
Writing Journal (1:40)
Planning Today (0:05)
Web Developer Course (1:15)
Web Page Development (1:23)
Walking Outside (1:22)
Homework (3:50)

Neutral Hours (7:33)
Sleep (6:00)
Bathroom (0:08)
Preparing Food (0:17)
Eating Food (0:34)
Brushing and Flossing Teeth (0:05)
Break (0:15)
Cutting Fingernails (0:05)
Preparing to walk outside

Unproductive Hours (7:34)
Watching Anime (6:43)
Wasting Time (0:54)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 23
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 5

Thursday, March 15th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (4 Hours)
Web Page Development (1 Hour)
Walk / Run Outside
Homework (Linked List in Python and Java, Learning Journal)
Upload Photos from previous days
Upload Journal Entries from previous days

12:05 AM

Yeah so should I do my homework assignment, just a little bit of it anyway? Agh. I'll try. I'll at least submit some half-written code that barely works.

7:58 AM

I fell asleep last night while working on the homework assignment. I ended up not even writing a single line of code, but I was dreaming that I was typing things in as I drifted to sleep. That happens sometimes, like when I just wake up, I tend to imagine myself doing things, while in reality I'm still lying down in bed.

So in the end I would get a 0 on the assignment, but I don't think I would have finished anyway. Like I wrote in my first journal, it would have been much better if I had submitted something because I most likely would have still gotten a small grade because of it instead of a zero, but I fell asleep before I had the chance.

What next? Oh yeah time to go back and do some more of the course. I put in 4 hours for the course today and 1 hour for my own free time on doing whatever with web page development. I've gotten more used to this schedule now so five hours is starting to feel like it's not that much. It isn't that much. Anyway, time to get started.

7:12 PM

If I'm being honest, I never wanted to stop the web developer course today. I wanted to keep on going since I was in the middle of making a game, and it was getting fun. The game was supposed to be a reaction based game where a box appears and you click on the box to make it disappear, and the game times your reaction. I made it a little more creative and made this multi-bordered gray box with a spider that appears in the middle, a graphic I downloaded online, and if you click on the box, the spider disappears.

I think it's a bit cooler than the actual project we were supposed to do, I mean it's a much improved version of it. Also, the code is written in such a neat and clean way, very much unlike the tutor's actual code. He's not even using any functions and just places everything out in the open despite teaching in his class about functions the previous lesson before. Anyway, I'm still learning a lot, and I could have definitely gone on for several more hours.

However, I took an unnecessary break, unnecessary because I wanted to keep on going and I could have kept on going, and that one tiny mistake ended up costing me several hours of time. I'm going out for a walk because it's getting dark outside. I started off walking at night in the dark, but I've come to just walk whenever I feel like, and it actually does feel a little bit better when there's a small amount of sun out.

10:11 PM

I am seriously lost. I haven't uploaded any journal entries or any photos in a while, in like a week. Maybe the way I have my schedule set up is entirely wrong? Am I just procrastinating on it? I don't like to think that I am, I tried to make my list a 'hierarchy' list where I work on the hardest task first, and then continue down the list of importance, but I tend to never reach the end, and I also tend to skip over some items and jump to another one like walking outside for example.

I'm going to upload my entries and photos tonight, just so I can stop procrastinating and get everything caught up again. The longer I don't do that for, the harder it is to get back to it, so I will get back to it now. I'm going to have to think up of a plan to make my days more productive because right now I don't think I'm as productive as I can be. I feel like I'm lazy and not taking full advantage of the day. I mean basically in the morning I'm productive, then the afternoon strikes, and then I'm not anymore.

Again I'm going to have to come up with a better way. But first, time to upload the past few entries. Oh boy this is going to be a lot to catch up on.

10:42 PM

I just finished uploading all of the past few days' entries online. Of course that wasn't the hard one to do out of the two 'uploading' portions. Uploading my photos to IG is going to take a lot longer.

11:22 PM

Wow uploading the photos didn't take that long at all. I thought it was going to take around an hour to upload all those.

I want to go to sleep early tonight and wake up early tomorrow. I've never done that before, but I think the day will be more productive if I do so. There's also another thing I haven't done before, and that's planning tomorrow ahead of time. I'm going to try that now, I'm going to plan tomorrow, right now.

11:52 PM

Well that's it for my day today. I don't have much else to do. Tomorrow I have my day planned out pretty well. I'll do a minimum of 3 hours of the web developer course, and then I can do anything else web development related for 2 hours, which may also include continuing with the course. What a good plan. I think tomorrow will be another day where I complete everything. I can sense it.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 12:05 AM

12:05 AM – Writing Journal – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Homework – 12:30 AM

12:30 AM – Sleep – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Wasting Time – 7:49 PM

7:49 PM – Planning Today – 7:56 AM

7:56 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 7:58 AM

7:58 AM – Writing Journal – 8:02 AM

8:02 AM – Web Developer Course – 8:33 AM

8:33 AM – Break – 8:38 AM

8:38 AM – Web Developer Course – 9:09 AM

9:09 AM – Break – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Preparing Food – 9:24 AM

9:24 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Bathroom – 10:04 AM

10:04 AM – Break – 10:12 AM

10:12 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:46 AM

10:46 AM – Break – 10:52 AM

10:52 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:25 AM

11:25 AM – Break – 11:54 AM

11:54 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:26 PM

12:26 PM – Preparing Food – 12:41 PM

12:41 PM – Eating Food – 12:51 PM

12:51 PM – Preparing Food – 12:55 PM

12:55 PM – Eating Food – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Watching Anime – 1:37 PM

1:37 PM – Planning Today – 1:40 PM

1:40 PM – Web Developer Course – 2:57 PM

2:57 PM – Break – 3:27 PM

3:27 PM – Watching Anime – 4:27 PM

4:27 PM – Preparing Food – 4:35 PM

4:35 PM – Eating Food – 4:45 PM

4:45 PM – Watching Anime – 7:12 PM

7:12 PM – Writing Journal – 7:23 PM

7:23 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Walking Outside – 8:38 PM

8:38 PM – Preparing Food – 8:48 PM

8:48 PM – Eating Food – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Preparing Food – 9:08 PM

9:08 PM – Eating Food - 9:18 PM

9:18 PM – Watching Anime – 9:30 PM

9:30 PM – Planning Today – 9:41 PM

9:41 PM – Homework – 10:11 PM

10:11 PM – Writing Journal – 10:15 PM

10:15 – Wasting Time – 10:25 PM

10:25 PM – Uploading Past Days' Entries – 10:42 PM

10:42 PM – Writing Journal – 10:44 PM

10:44 PM – Uploading Photos to IG – 11:13 PM

11:13 PM – Taking Today's Photos – 11:22 PM

11:22 PM – Writing Journal – 11:24 PM

11:24 PM – Planning Tomorrow – 11:27 PM

11:27 PM – Wasting Time – 11:47 PM

11:47 PM – Planning Tomorrow – 11:52 PM

11:52 PM – Writing Journal – 11:53 PM

11:53 PM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:23)
Writing Journal (0:22)
Homework (0:54)
Planning Today (0:22)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:02)
Web Developer Course (4:34)
Walking Outside (1:08)
Uploading Past Days' Entries (0:17)
Uploading Photos to IG (0:29)
Taking Today's Photos (0:09)
Planning Tomorrow (0:08)

Neutral Hours (10:14)
Sleep (7:00)
Break (1:23)
Preparing Food (0:55)
Bathroom (0:04)
Eating Food (0:47)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:07)
Brushing and Flossing (0:06)

Unproductive Hours (5:00)
Wasting Time (0:54)
Watching Anime (3:06)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 27
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 6

Friday, March 16th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (3 Hours)
Web Development Related (2 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Yesterday's Photos
Upload Yesterday's Entry
Linked List Implementation (Python and Java)

12:00 AM

Today's a new day. So what shall I do today? Should I try doing something unique, something I have never attempted before? What I'm thinking of doing is just productive activities all day. This means that during lunch when I usually eat two big meals, I won't watch a single minute of anime. I'm actually kind of thinking like playing Mankind Divided right now and 'pushing off' this challenge for tomorrow, but I know that's a bad idea.

Yeah that's a terrible idea. I'm going to read until I fall asleep. I might read Grit as it's been a while since I last read it. I have to return the library books, I think tomorrow. Let me check. Yeah I don't remember when I have to return these, but I'll return them tomorrow possibly just to make sure. It's quite a walk to the library though, but I'll try. I'll also check out some other books I might want to check out.

Yeah I don't have anything else to do. I'm going to go ahead and read Grit.

12:26 AM


10:36 AM

Apparently I know Javascript now. I was able to pass the Javascript portion of the course and I made a really simple javascript reaction game that would spawn a spider in a random area inside a game box, and it would disappear when clicked on, logging and displaying the user's reaction time. Apparently now that I know HTML, CSS, and Javascript, I can finally make any kind of website I want to. I'm thinking of continuing the quick little RPG game I was planning on making, it would just consist of literally one battle because I think it would take too long to make an RPG that was longer.

Yeah. I'm going to take a break for a bit, and then come back. I've been having fun and enjoying working on the javascript portion of the course and I was able to learn a good amount. Making the game was also really cool and nice because now I have this cool Javascript game available on my github.

The next stage is going to be Jquery and it's just going to be showcasing one of the more popular and advanced Javascript libraries. After the JQuery section is the section I have been waiting for for the longest time, the Bootstrap section. Once I learn the bootstrap section I can finally redesign the site, since there's no way I can do that using the standard old float box method.

10:54 AM

Oh great now I'm getting a bunch of ideas about what to program next, like a timer, a stopwatch, a calculator, etc, etc. Too many ideas. I don't think I can handle them all, I'm not even done with the RPG game yet (which I know is going to be a lot harder than what I expected), and already I want to start on these easier ideas first. Well I'll do the RPG first before starting any of them.

2:41 PM

What a satisfying walk. The sun was out shining brightly, and the weather was cold but comforting. I enjoyed every second of it, despite being very tired and my legs feeling overworked at the end. It took me nearly two hours for this walk because I also stopped at the library and went ahead and returned the other book I got, and renewed Grit since I'm still not done reading it.

At the library I looked around for other books I might be interested in checking out, and after thoroughly searching, I found there wasn't any. I have all the resources I need already and carrying around extra books feels like so much more trouble than they're worth.

I've decided to change my outlook on life and just focus on the positives of my life, and pretty much ignore or reframe every negative experience to be a positive and influential one. Yeah I am sad and negative for seemingly no reason. I have so many good things in my life today and still I have so many things to look forward to. Sure according to standards of society I'm not a great person, but I'm still trying.

My dad for example actually thinks I sit at home doing nothing all day. He thinks I'm bored and unoccupied. I'm the opposite, I'm really enjoying every day and I'm very occupied by my learning. He wants me to look for a job, saying that even a job doing something menial like bagging groceries would be better than nothing. Obviously I don't reply or take seriously anything that he says, he knows nothing about my situation or what I'm trying to accomplish, I can't take up a job bagging groceries because that won't help me improve any of my skills.

Those individual hours of time would better be invested in me learning something, rather than me gaining $9 per hour from it. Although truth be told $9 per hour sounds like a lot to me right now, as a person who earns nothing per hour, $9 is a good amount.

Anyways like I said, I'm still enjoying what I'm doing. Money is becoming tight, but it's alright.

7:19 PM

Interesting. I just watched a video of someone programming for 8 hours a day, from 8 to 12, then from 1 to 5, uninterrupted. I should be able to do what he is doing.

9:05 PM

Woohoo what a day it has been. Wait a minute it's not even done yet, there's still some things I have to do today like upload my journal from yesterday and also upload my photos from yesterday.

My posts last night and tonight might actually be 'too much' so I will go ahead and modify them.

9:16 PM

Well I didn't write anything too bad from yesterday, but from 12:26 AM 'today' I wrote for nearly an hour about a subject that I now feel like is too much information. It wasn't really that bad, it just wasn't a very positive topic, so I now removed it.

Today wasn't that bad of a day. It's just weird that despite my best efforts, I just barely managed to get over 5 hours of working on web development related work. How do people even manage to get 8 hours in so calmly and magically like the person whose video I watched, where he did 4 hours in the morning, and then another 4 hours after lunch. That has to be a superhuman feat if anything.

Anyway tomorrow will be another day. Should I go to sleep right now and try to get up early and try to finish the entire jQuery section, which I have just started to learn (and its syntax is really weird) in one day? That would be nice. After this section is the bootstrap section, then I can finally learn that (or 'relearn' it) and remake the entire layout of the site finally.

Decisions, decisions. I still have to upload my entry from yesterday so I will just do that now. I can also upload my photos from yesterday too. Then I can just go to sleep or something afterwards after taking my photos for today.

9:41 PM

H-h-holy crap. I haven't checked my weight in such a long time but I weigh over 200 pounds again. I weigh around 205 pounds right now. I went from 180 to 205 in just a few months. Holy crap. It might also be because of all the beans and liquid I've been eating and they're just in my stomach sloshing around there, but wow. I have for sure gained weight. I need to lose this weight again.

I'm going out for a walk again tonight, and tomorrow I'm going to run in the gym.

11:03 PM

I can't believe my weight gain. Unbelievable. I knew I had gained weight from eating in the Philippines and from eating a lot of food since the beginning of the year, but man. To go from 180 pounds to 205-210. Holy moly. Time to drastically change my habits. I'm deciding

Also, I have always wanted to lose weight down to 140 pounds, this year might be the year I do it. It's not necessarily a bad thing that I have gained weight, this just means this would really be the start of a challenge to see how much weight I can lose given a limited amount of time. Ugh. I have too many things I want to do by next month.

I need money. I need to lose weight. I need to gain skills. What the hell. Will I ever win in this world or do I just constantly lose? It's already nearly the end of the month, and from my estimation back in January, I thought I would have had strong enough skills to be able to find a job or gigs at this point. I'm not joking, I understand those estimates are way off.

Why are my parents constantly asking me for rent as well? Every month I have to pay $700. I don't have a freaking income, and I'm taking college courses. I'm paying for both of those things. Also almost every night I'm constantly bickered at to look for a job. How can I find a job if I don't have any skills? Like I said I wasted three years of my life working on a skill that has no relevance in the real world. Despite my fancy title of 'Solutions Engineer' at the workplace, I have no engineering skills or knowledge.

Despite me trying to explain this to my parents, they constantly tell me "Megg, why are you not looking for a job? You know you can find one if you just apply. Why don't you apply for cyber security?" What the fuck. Do I have any training in cyber security? I have no fucking training in cyber security! Why would I apply for a job that I have no skills in? It nearly enrages me at how stupid their comments can be.

There's very few jobs I'm able to apply for because I don't have a degree and I don't have any skills. It's not that I'm completely incompetent, it's just that I know so little and I know that I know so little, that I don't want to shame myself by applying for work when I'm not ready yet. I can surely apply once I've built up a portfolio and a good enough resume and some decent looking websites, but for now that's not possible.

I'm surrounded by many things to do, and seemingly not enough time or energy or willpower to be able to do them. Losing weight. Earning an income. Gaining skills. Even with all the time in the world it's not easy to do this starting from scratch, starting with nothing.

So yeah I'm not just a little bit stressed or a little bit troubled, I am very stressed and very troubled. I need money to be able to buy stock options at the company I worked at, but my parents won't give me any, and I don't have any income. What am I supposed to do? I have less than 30 days to earn a few thousand dollars to be able to buy the stock options (or else my 3 years there would have practically been a waste), and again every month my bank account is drained.

I started off with a decent amount of money, now I just have barely any to get by. How can I make it in this world? Despite my efforts, things seem so far away. What can I do?

I actually need to keep on working, even right now. I can't disillusion myself into thinking I have any free time whatsoever to be able to play games or dawdle around. I really don't have any time. I can't do anything unproductive anymore, it hurts me to do so.

11:39 PM

Today is a pretty significant day. I realized how fucked up my life is and how I really badly need to turn it around. I might actually wright a book on losing weight. I started one back last year, but then I stopped after a few pages. Let me check its progress. 6 pages and 2598 words single spaced. I can live with that. I can keep working on this book and possibly have it published once I lose my weight and drop down like 30 pounds or something. That's going to take longer than a month right?

Well I have less than a month to buy the stock options. I might not be able to buy them all, but just a few hundred dollars worth with the amount of money I have available. It kinda sucks, but what can I do about it? Seriously.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Writing Journal – 12:04 PM

12:04 PM – Setting Up Today – 12:05

12:05 PM – Reading – 12:26 AM

12:26 AM – Writing Journal – 1:20 AM

1:20 AM – Reading – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 8:47 AM

8:47 AM – Planning Today – 8:49 AM

8:49 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:36 AM

10:36 AM – Writing Journal – 10:42 AM

10:42 AM – Break – 10:48 AM

10:48 AM – Preparing Food – 10:54 AM

10:54 AM – Writing Journal – 10:56 AM

10:56 AM – Eating Food – 11:06 AM

11:06 AM – Web Development Related – 11:58 AM

11:58 AM – Bathroom – 12:05 PM

12:05 PM – Brushing and Flossing – 12:09 PM

12:09 PM – Shower – 12:26 PM

12:26 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:38 PM

12:38 PM – Walking Outside – 2:35 PM

2:35 PM – Planning Today – 2:41 PM

2:41 PM – Writing Journal – 2:57 PM

2:57 PM – Web Developer Related – 3:09 PM

3:09 PM – Preparing Food – 3:16 PM

3:16 PM – Eating Food – 3:26 PM

3:26 PM – Web Developer Related – 3:58 PM

3:58 PM – Preparing Food – 4:07 PM

4:07 PM – Eating Food – 4:16 PM

4:16 PM – Web Developer Related (Javascript objects) – 4:36 PM

4:36 PM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 4:38 PM

4:38 PM – Web Developer Related (Javascript objects) – 4:52 PM

4:52 PM – Break / Nap – 6:52 PM

6:52 PM – Web Developer Related – 7:19 PM

7:19 PM – Writing Journal – 7:22 PM

7:22 PM – Planning Today – 7:33 PM

7:33 PM – Web Developer Course – 9:05 PM

9:05 PM – Writing Journal – 9:09 PM

9:09 PM – Reviewing Yesterday and Today – 9:16 PM

9:16 PM – Writing Journal – 9:29 PM

9:29 PM – Uploading Yesterday's Entry – 9:34 PM

9:34 PM – Uploading Yesterday's Photos – 9:41 PM

9:41 PM – Writing Journal – 9:43 PM

9:43 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 9:48 PM

9:48 PM – Walking Outside – 11:03 PM

11:03 PM – Writing Journal – 11:24 PM

11:24 PM – Uploading Yesterday's Photos – 11:39 PM

11:39 PM – Writing Journal – 11:43 PM

11:43 PM – Weight Loss Book – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (12:12)
Writing Journal (1:53)
Setting Up Today (0:01)
Reading (1:01)
Planning Today (0:13)
Web Developer Course (3:19)
Web Development Related (2:37)
Walking Outside (3:12)
Planning Today (0:06)
Reviewing Yesterday and Today (0:07)
Uploading Yesterday's Entry (0:05)
Uploading Yesterday's Photos (0:22)
Weight Loss Book (0:16)

Neutral Hours (10:31)
Sleep (6:47)
Break (2:06)
Preparing Food (0:15)
Eating Food (0:36)
Bathroom (0:07)
Brushing and Flossing (0:06)
Shower (0:17)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:17)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 32
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 9

Saturday, March 17th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (3 hours)
Web Development Related (2 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Weight Book (20 minutes)
Take New Photos and Upload Today's Photos
Upload Yesterday's Entries
Homework (20 minutes)

12:02 AM

Awesome. I did it. So it was completely possible and I didn't have to die of exhaustion or lack of 'concentration' or anything like that from a full day of productivity. I have not tried it and was not able to do it before because I thought it was legitimately impossible. Yeah I mean I still only did around 5 hours of web page development, which sounds like it's honestly barely anything, but it took so much effort just to get those 5 hours. Maybe I'm just really bad at managing time.

Anyway, since things have gotten extremely serious, a lot more serious than before, I really can't waste anymore time being unproductive. From here on out, I'm going to try to just be productive the entire time. No more unproductive hours.

I really miss those days when I could just sit back and relax, play some games, hang out with friends, and not feel pressured to do anything. Well I don't have that luxury today. I'm really compelled to just work and be productive the entire time. To even think about having any free time, despite the challenges I have to face, doesn't make any sense.

I just sigh. Where is my life going and what am I doing with my life? I also don't have anyone that can help me. I feel pretty alone and powerless in this world, but hey, I'm not the only person who feels that way. So I feel alone and powerless with a bunch of others too. Woohoo.

In fact those kinds of people are not too far away. I could just go on Reddit and go to some depressing subs like suicidewatch or depression or heartbreak or divorced, or literally any sub where people can talk about their personal problems, and just like that I can feel like I'm not alone in my suffering. I'm definitely not alone in my suffering. There's people who have it much worse than I do.

I don't even think I have it that bad to be honest, because I have a desire to change, and knowledge of how to improve my life, and I take steps towards changing my life. Despite me writing confidently as if I know what I'm doing, I can't see the future, I have no idea what is to come. I feel troubled, I feel burdened, I feel alone, I feel challenged. From my perspective at this moment, my life is pretty screwed up. It's not in a good state.

Despite taking steps to accomplish something, will I actually be able to accomplish something? Will I be able to accomplish anything, or is it all a dream? Will my effort be given in vain?

Anyway enough sad posting. What kind of positives can I look at in my life? Well I'm learning a good amount, and I'm having a good time learning. I have a lot of free time. When I wrote my 'All the time in the world' entry near the end of last month, it honestly felt like I had all the time in the world. This day in Mid-March felt like it would be an eternity before it would get here. Now it's here, and I feel so late, like I haven't done anything with my life since then. Everything feels the same.

But yeah what can I do now? I have no choice but to go to sleep. I might read some books first. Wait, let me plan my day.

12:18 AM

I feel like making a web app that can just be a 'timer' program instead of me writing it manually each time. It's super easy with web page development because HTML and CSS literally handle all the UI. It's not so complicated and cumbersome as it is making an actual program UI which can be tricky because each UI kit has its different implementation, and there is no standard. At least with web pages there's a standard, sure browsers view some pages differently, but it's not such a hindrance.

Anyway I might read some books for a while and then go to sleep, or I might just go to sleep. It depends on how tired I feel after lying down.

10:44 AM

I wanted to go outside and go for a quick run or jog but now a friend is visiting. He just called me and said he was coming over. I can't do anything right now. I'm stuck at home until he comes over. He says it'll be for just 30 minutes though, but I highly doubt that.

10:52 AM

Whenever I write 'wasting time' it's for time that's hard to account for. Like the past 3 minutes I went over to the living room with my laptop and I was trying to do some work while waiting for my friend to arrive. I can't help wasting time every now and then, I hate doing it though.

I'm going to read until then.

4:09 PM

Like I said, it wasn't just going to be "30 minutes" of hanging out. It was more like nearly 3 hours of it. He ended up having to leave because he had work, pretty sure we would have hung out for much longer if he didn't. Anyway I don't mean it as a bad thing that 'friend' is under my Unproductive Hours, but it certain wasn't productive, and it certainly wasn't neutral, so that was the only slot it belonged in.

It's the weekend. I'm thinking of playing games or watching anime again, despite me understanding that I shouldn't, that this is a waste of time. You know, sometimes I find it really hard to not do stupid things like that.

Oh, let me first write my recollection of the experience I had when I hung out with my friend. So I was getting ready to go outside for a run this morning around 10:30 AM, when I got a phone call from a friend. The first thing he said was 'Finally you picked up!' commenting on the fact that I don't pick up often, not intentionally, but mainly because I keep my phone in the kitchen so I can take photos of my food, and I'm usually all the way in my room, where I can't hear any of the vibrations of the phone.

So we have this conversation and he says he's working Uber and it happened to bring him around the area where I lived. So he said he wanted to come visit, just for 30 minutes. I said sure, and he didn't remember my address and didn't know how to get here from where he was, so I texted it to him.

While I waited I read for a bit. I read web development related material, tips and tricks on how to do layouts. I made sure to bring my laptop out into the living room so that I would be ready to open the door when he knocked and be ready to hang out with him, maybe open my laptop up if necessary.

So we hung out, he ended up talking and telling me about his work experience. He has been doing a lot of part-time jobs like Uber, and food delivery, and animal services like walking dogs. He showed me his profiles and apps and told me about how much he was able to earn per day and per hour. That really calmed me down a little, because if I ever desperately needed some money, I think these are ways I can apply myself to earn some, although the work would be strenuous but entertaining as he described.

Afterwards my mom got home from her Saturday work shift, we greeted her. After changing clothes she decided to make some snacks for us while I was cooking beans. She made some fried sweet potatoes and fried bananas, which we ate. He thought they were both delicious, which they were. I miss these foods because they're Filipino foods, and they're found so commonly and so cheaply in the Philippines, here sweet potatoes are expensive, and despite them being delicious and I could eat them for years, I don't think they're worth it.

I ended up serving him some beans and rice, he actually served himself, and I went to the pantry to grab him two bags of beans to show him. I gave him the two bags of beans and on the bags it had a label of 32 oz, I told him they were $1 per bag, and this one bag could serve a person for a few days eating three meals a day, he said wow and commented on how that beat even the cheapest fast food restaurants. I said yeah and in theory you could spend just $5 a week eating like this, eating beans and rice.

Beans and rice by themselves don't taste like anything plain, so I brought out some spices like salt and pepper and some minced garlic (in a shaker) and he was free to just place these condiments on his food, as much as he wanted. I normally don't do that, since I just usually eat it plain, but I decided to give it a shot. I put on some salt and some minced garlic on my beans and rice, and wow, the taste was dramatically improved. It tasted like nothing before, now it tasted amazing.

Afterwards we ended up going outside to explore for a bit. He challenged me to a race towards some building, and I realize we just ate, but he wanted to race me anyway. I accepted and we sprinted, it's been a while since I ran, and I ended up losing. Afterwards he said he had to continue his Ubering and I went ahead and just ran outside for a while.

I ended up jogging through these woods that I was able to jog through completely before, like all the way to the very end of the path. This time I was able to complete possibly around a third of it, before having to stop and go back because I was exhausted. I also walked most of the way back, since I was too tired and weak to do anything about it. It was also snowing while I was jogging outside, and I've already coughed a few times at home as I typed this. It was very cold outside, and my sweating didn't help.

Anyway I'm going to rest for a bit. The definition of 'resting' in my Time Log is going to be pretty vague. I'm most likely going to be eating as well, maybe watch some anime, maybe play some games. Can I do that for at least an hour? I just hate how addicting these sources of entertainment are. The time goes by so quickly when you start one of these activities. I don't think I should do it, but I want to.

I want to try out Dota 2 again out of all the games. It's such a waste of time and counterintuitive to all my plans, and I don't even have it installed anymore. But it is such a hard thing to resist. I showed my friend some Dota 2 footage and just watching them made me riled up to play it again. Hmm. But I know it's a waste of time. It's better I play Mankind Divided actually.

I'm going to rest now. It's going to be a loose definition that includes a bunch of different activities. Man. Maybe I should just time it again? Yeah. Screw just putting in a general 'resting', I'm going to actually put in what I do.

6:33 PM


11:58 PM


Time Log

12:00 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 12:02 AM

12:02 AM – Writing Journal – 12:16 AM

12:16 AM – Planning Today – 12:18 AM

12:18 AM – Writing Journal - 12:22 AM

12:22 AM – Reading (Web Development Related) – 12:47 AM

12:47 AM – Sleep – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Bathroom – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Planning Today – 9:17 AM

9:17 AM – Weight Book – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:37 AM

10:37 AM – Preparing to Go Outside – 10:44 AM

10:44 AM – Writing Journal – 10:45 AM

10:45 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 10:49 AM

10:49 AM – Wasting Time – 10:52 AM

10:52 AM – Writing Journal – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Reading (Web Development Related) – 11:06 AM

11:06 AM – Friend – 2:53 PM

2:53 PM – Walking / Jogging Outside – 3:53 PM

3:53 PM – Weight Book – 4:00 PM

4:00 PM – Resting – 4:09 PM

4:09 PM – Writing Journal – 4:33 PM

4:33 PM – Preparing Food – 4:38 PM

4:38 PM – Eating Food – 4:52 PM

4:52 PM – Preparing Food – 4:56 PM

4:56 PM – Eating Food – 5:02 PM

5:02 PM – Web Development Related – 5:13 PM

5:13 PM – Washing Dishes – 5:19 PM

5:19 PM – Web Development Related – 5:54 PM

5:54 PM – Web Developer Course – 6:11 PM

6:11 PM – Break – 6:33 PM

6:33 PM – Writing Journal – 6:51 PM

6:51 PM – Wasting Time – 11:58 PM

11:58 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:14)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:02)
Writing Journal (1:05)
Planning Today (0:05)
Reading (Web Development Related) (0:36)
Weight Book (0:10)
Web Developer Course (1:34)
Walking / Jogging Outside (1:00)
Web Development Related (0:46)

Neutral Hours (9:43)
Sleep (8:13)
Bathroom (0:14)
Brushing and Flossing (0:04)
Resting (0:09)
Preparing Food (0:09)
Eating Food (0:20)
Washing Dishes (0:06)
Break (0:22)

Unproductive Hours (7:57)
Wasting Time (5:10)
Friend (2:47)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 34
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 10

Sunday, March 18th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (3 hours)
Web Development Related (2 hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Weight Book (20 Minutes)
Take New Photos and Upload Yesterday's Photos
Upload Yesterday's Entries
Homework (20 Minutes)

12:25 AM


Time Log

12:00 AM – Writing Journal (continuing yesterday) – 12:05 AM

12:05 AM – Wasting Time – 12:19 AM

12:19 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 12:21 AM

12:21 AM – Planning Today – 12:25 AM

12:25 AM – Writing Journal – 12:44 AM

12:44 AM – Wasting Time – 12:51 AM

12:51 AM – Weight Book – 12:54 AM

12:54 AM – Wasting Time – 1:30 AM

1:30 AM – Sleep – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Wasting Time – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Web Developer Course – 9:24 AM

9:24 AM – Organizing – 9:51 AM

9:51 AM – Wasting Time – 11:39 AM

11:39 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:28 PM

12:28 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (1:52)
Writing Journal (0:23)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:02)
Planning Today (0:04)
Weight Book (0:03)
Web Developer Course (0:53)
Organizing (0:27)

Neutral Hours (7:30)
Sleep (7:30)

Unproductive Hours (14:03)
Wasting Time (14:03)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 34
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 10

Monday, March 19th 2018

Tasks Today
Review Yesterday
Web Developer Course (1 Hours)
Web Development Related (1 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Homework (1 Hour)

12:15 PM

Well, yesterday and Saturday were complete wastes. I wasted those entire days. Pretty much 48 hours of my life I will never get back. I have homework due on Wednesday as well, it would have been so much more productive had I spent all those waking hours doing nothing but homework instead of whatever I did, which was a mix of wasting time by watching videos/anime/browsing internet/playing games.

Last night as I was feeling very sleepy, a very old video I watched from late 2012 came to mind. It's been over 5 years since I last even watched this video or thought about the concept, but it came to me last night, and I watched around 10 minutes of it before I fell asleep. The video was this lecture called Your Brain on Porn, and porn is my strongest addictions in life, I would say my addictions are between: porn, anime, video games, and junk food, but really no other addictive material can match sexual drives and pleasures. I haven't written about it before since it's very private, but I will just for today since it relates to productivity.

I was around 19 at the time when I first saw the video, and I talked about the concept with a friend during lunch about quitting porn and masturbation, I told him that it was a waste of time and a drain on energy. We had a little debate on it, basically him saying it didn't do much harm, but I told him I would quit it forever. Well that was a lie, because after I had dropped out of college, though I don't have any strong memories of it, I resumed it in 2013.

Before college even, I would admit to my friends in high school that I had this addiction to porn and masturbating that it was really something I didn't want to do, but felt compelled to. It even happened to me recently on Friday, my most productive day so far where I didn't even spend a second being unproductive, during the 2 hour 'break' when I wanted to take a nap but booted up a porn site instead (in hindsight I should have really marked that as 'wasting time'). As I was doing it I was thinking 'what am I even doing? I don't even like doing this', but I felt compelled to do it without even feeling like doing it.

Those moments in my life, despite taking up vast amounts of hours of time, are basically non-existent to my memory, what even happened during those moments? I notice that the more 'normal' and familiar a memory becomes, the less I'm able to remember it. I barely remember my days at work, days at school, or days playing games individually for example, but I do remember my last day of work (almost vividly), I remember my first day in school, I remember emotional gaming sessions.

I know I have spent countless hours, more than 10,000 hours easily, playing video games. I have spent thousands of hours as well watching porn and masturbating. I have spent thousands upon thousands of hours browsing the Internet, watching videos, doing random activities and tasks that don't benefit me, and that I won't even remember years from now. I hate it. I hate wasting time, I hate wasting hours, minutes, seconds of my day and of my life.

So I watched this video again, your Brain on Porn, and I learned about the harmful effects of addiction, not just on porn, but on a general level. The effects of porn are of course the worst, since sexual activities are an intrinsic life desire that our bodies crave, and I know that the tired and hungering feelings that comes after ejaculation are not healthy, and few other addictions can even produce anything as pleasurable. But again I applied the addiction concepts to a general level to everything I am addicted to.

I learned that addiction causes three main things to happen: First is sensitization, meaning I crave that addiction more and more, second is desensitization meaning I feel like I get less and less from it, and last is hypofrontality (this might just be porn specific) meaning I have less prefrontal cortex blood flow, weaker neural connections in my prefrontal cortex which leads to weaker self-control, organizational ability, planning, mood, judgment, reflection, memory, cognitive skills, math skills, etc. Basically the first two mean that once I'm addicted, I want to do it more and more but at the same time the more I do it the less pleasure I get from it.

That last part basically means I'm dumb and have much weaker control over myself and my addictions. So being addicted to the negative things I'm addicted to is a lose-lose-lose situation. Not only do I crave those addictions more, but I get less pleasure from them the more I do it, and I can't even control myself from doing them. That's a triple lose situation.

I'm going to use today as a recovery day, because I have uninstalled all my games, and I am no longer going to be watching porn or anime, or eating junk food (with the exception of when I'm not at home). Those are all the addictions in my life. Porn, anime, games, and junk food. Today is a significant day because I'm done with those wasteful and addicting activities and it's going to be the last day that I do them.

2:53 PM

Today is a 'recovery' day so I'm not going to stress out too much about my work that I have to accomplish today. I'm planning on jogging outside, doing some homework, then doing some web page development, maybe organizing my computer a little, but I'm not going to be that stressed out or diligent about it.

It would be cool if there were a way to physically force me to not do anything else other than just productive work. I'm trying to mentally create that state for me. I'm trying to be a person that "doesn't" watch porn, that doesn't play any video games, that doesn't watch any anime, and that doesn't eat any junk food. That's the kind of person I want to become. The kind of person that doesn't do any of those activities because they don't want to.

"Do you watch any porn? What's your favorite porn?", "I don't watch any porn, sorry."
"Do you play any video games? What's your favorite game?", "I don't play any video games, sorry."
"Do you watch any anime? What's your favorite anime?", "I don't watch any anime, sorry."
"Do you eat any junk food? What's your favorite junk food?", "I don't eat any junk food, sorry."

Easy! I hated doing those activities anyway. I hated performing those activities but I just didn't have any control over myself and did them without wanting to.

It's weird, you literally only have to spend a second doing these activities to understand what the rest of it feels like. Eating junk food for example, I don't need to eat that entire bag of potato chips, I just need to taste one piece, and then I can mentally multiply that experience by 100 imagining that I'm eating 100 chips, and that would be the same experience as physically doing it. Same with playing any video game, if you played one level or the tutorial level of any video game, multiply that experience by 1000 and it would be the same thing.

I noticed that every game is basically the same, no matter how complex the story or mechanics seem to feel. Playing the tutorial is the same as having played the entire game, because it's just that same experience multiplied, along with an understanding of the story. But wouldn't it save more time just skipping to the end, or watching a fast-forwarded playthrough of that same video game?

With masturbation though it's a little bit different, it's not just one second. You have to masturbate at least once and experience ejaculation at least once, record that experience, then you can just multiply that experience by 1000 and that would be what it feels like doing it all the time.

With watching anime, it's also a little bit different in that you're watching it for the story. But it would actually be so much faster to just read through the Wikia page for that anime, it would be like watching the anime itself. Plus if anybody quizzed you or said you didn't watch it, you can just bring up the plot of the story up to the end, and they would think you did.

So it's kind of strange. These pleasure based activities that I was once addicted to I logically understood that I only had to do them once, and that every second I did them more than that, was a waste. It would be a duplicate of the first occurrence. Another example is playing Dota 2, I spent what, 20 hours playing that game, that one day? I only had to play just one game to realize I knew what the entire experience was like. Every other 'new game' I played, it would be the same experience, just with some very minor differences.

So in reality there was no point to me doing those activities, because the first time was the same as the 1000th time. When I'm learning things though, it's not the same. The first time isn't the same as the second time. I can't just learn an entire course by taking the first lesson and then skipping to the end, because I wouldn't have learned anything.

Ah. So that's it. That's the difference between my pleasure based addictions and what I actually enjoy doing. The reason I don't enjoy pleasure based activities yet are sucked in towards them, is because they are repetitive. It's the same thing happening over and over again, just that same experience over and over and over and over. What's the point of repeating it more than once? There isn't. Just once is enough.

Exercising is also the same as repeating the same activity over and over again, but it gains a new result each time. Video games, anime, junk food, porn, they don't yield different results or results that last (except detrimental ones). They yield the same results each time, so there's no point in continuously doing them.

I miss 2017 already. The year feels like it's passing by so fast and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It just keeps on moving on and moving on. The day's almost over, I haven't done anything, I'm going to do something. I'm going out to run. Right now.

10:22 PM

Another friend wants to come over tonight. Just called out of the middle of nowhere, said he was coming over, asked me to pick up my phone more often. I don't even keep my phone with me. I guess it's been a while since we hung out.

He says he's here already. I'm going to be hanging out with a friend. He'll be taking me to some other friend's house. Probably going to ask me to drink some beer, smoke a little, listen to songs, uhh, bunch of random things friends do when they hang out. I'm going to try and not do any of those things.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 1:09 AM

1:09 AM – Planning Today – 1:10 AM

1:10 AM – Wasting Time – 3:00 AM

3:00 AM – Sleep – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Wasting Time – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Studying Productivity – 12:03 PM

12:03 PM – Planning Today – 12:15 PM

12:15 PM – Writing Journal – 1:21 PM

1:21 PM – Browsing Internet – 2:53 PM

2:53 PM – Writing Journal – 3:20 PM

3:20 PM – Preparing to go outside – 3:35 PM

3:35 PM – Walking / Jogging Outside – 4:35 PM

4:35 PM – Break – 4:52 PM

4:52 PM – Eating Food – 4:22 PM

4:22 PM – Break – 4:37 PM

4:37 PM – Washing Dishes – 4:46 PM

4:46 PM – Browsing Internet – 6:13 PM

6:13 PM – Wasting Time – 6:43 PM

6:43 PM – Watching Anime – 10:22 PM

10:22 PM – Writing Journal – 10:46 PM

10:46 PM – Friend – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:50)
Planning Today (0:14)
Studying Productivity (2:03)
Writing Journal (1:33)
Walking / Jogging Outside (1:00)

Neutral Hours (6:56)
Sleep (5:30)
Preparing to go outside (0:15)
Break (0:32)
Eating Food (0:30)
Washing Dishes (0:09)

Unproductive Hours (12:19)
Wasting Time (4:58)
Browsing Internet (2:59)
Watching Anime (3:39)
Friend (1:13)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 34
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 11

Tuesday, March 20th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (3 Hours)
Web Development Related (2 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Homework (1 Hour)
Weight Book (30 Minutes)

10:24 AM

Pretty straightforward day today right? We'll see if I can accomplish everything today. Can I do this? Can I do everything in the above list? It's such a simple list that you would have to mess up terribly not to do those items. The time right now is 10:26 AM so I have more than 12 hours to accomplish everything. It should take me about 9 hours to accomplish everything on that list, which leaves me at least 3 hours to do anything else.

Yesterday I did watch some anime, and I did waste several hours of time. I don't have any excuses for that, but it was a 'recovery' day so I didn't really try hard to resist. It was supposed to be a day of rest and recovery, but I ended up not doing anything in my very simplified task list for the day.

Today I'm planning on doing the above, and I will do my best to do them all today. I'm also planning on possibly jogging out early this morning, although it is raining. I might just wait until the rain is gone and then go out for a jog. I ended up jogging yesterday and my body was sore all over. I wanted to eat more food and I wanted to rest more. It was the first time I had gone jogging in a long time, usually in my walks though I feel more energized than before I started walking, it's the opposite with jogging.

4:02 PM

It's nearly impossible for me to go outside and jog or walk. It's snowing outside hard today and the snow keeps blowing in my face. I need a mask or something because it's freezing. I can't walk outside for very long. I thought about doing my normal route that would take about an hour, but it's so freaking cold outside. I really want to walk outside, but the weather may prevent me from doing so.

Maybe if I wore another layer of pants and another jacket and something for my face I would be able to walk outside. I really want to walk outside, but for now there's just a few minutes left of my Web Developer Course that I have to do, which I will do now.

11:51 PM

There goes another day. I just wasted another day. When I got back home from walking I felt so cold, like I was about to get sick with a cold, so I just lied down and started watching random videos instead. I don't even remember what I did or what I watched for the past 5 hours – it was that monotonous. In my boredom I did look at some porn, but just for a few minutes and I controlled myself enough to close the window. I also did watch some anime, maybe 20 minutes of it, but again I controlled myself enough to close the window.

I think I should not only avoid anime, but also avoid random and useless videos altogether, because they're in the same category. I'll watch some random videos when I want to calm down or relax or when I'm really beat and think I deserve it at least, but most of the time I don't deserve it because I didn't do much for that day.

Oh yeah my friend who I hung out with last night invited me to his wedding. It's going to be in India next month, and I don't think I'm going to make it... We shall see, because who knows?

Time Log

12:00 AM – Friend – 2:30 AM

2:30 AM – Watching Videos – 3:30 AM

3:30 AM – Sleep – 9:30 AM

9:30 AM – Watching Videos – 10:15 AM

10:15 AM – Planning Today – 10:24 AM

10:24 AM – Writing Journal – 10:33 AM

10:33 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:50 AM

10:50 AM – Preparing Food – 10:57 AM

10:57 AM – Eating Food – 11:07 AM

11:07 AM – Web Developer Course – 1:43 PM

1:43 PM – Nap – 1:58 PM

1:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 2:47 PM

2:47 PM – Break – 3:47 PM

3:47 PM – Walking / Jogging Outside – 4:02 PM

4:02 PM – Writing Journal – 4:06 PM

4:06 PM – Web Developer Course – 5:29 PM

5:29 PM – Break – 6:18 PM

6:18 PM – Walking Outside - 6:38 PM

6:44 PM – Wasting Time – 11:51 PM

11:51 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:10)
Planning Today (0:09)
Writing Journal (0:21)
Web Developer Course (4:05)
Walking / Jogging Outside (0:35)

Neutral Hours (8:25)
Sleep (6:00)
Preparing Food (0:07)
Eating Food (0:14)
Nap (0:15)
Break (1:49)

Unproductive Hours (9:22)
Friend (2:30)
Watching Videos (1:45)
Wasting Time (5:07)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 38
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 11

Wednesday, March 21st 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (3 Hours)
Web Development Related (1 Hour)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Upload Previous Days' Photos

12:04 AM

Well unlike yesterday where I only started writing and thinking about the day at around 10 AM, I have the entire day to think about what I'm going to do today, since I'm thinking about it right at the start of the day.

I got it! I'm now going to just read until I fall asleep, and then tomorrow I'll work on the web developer course first thing in the morning, get all my web development stuff out of the way first. Then I'll go to sleep for a couple of hours or something, then walk / run outside, then homework until it's all done, then I'll upload all my previous stuff from the previous days'.

It seems so straightforward and easy. Can I discipline myself enough to follow through, or will I destroyed by my own hands?

6:13 PM

I'm so tired and hungry. I've blown past the amount of hours I was supposed to be working on web development related material, but I was having so much fun. Now I have a headache, I feel sort of like throwing up. Am I exhausted, overworked now? Is that what this feels like? I am going to be watching some anime, but only as a break, since I am really freaking tired.

I would lie though if I said that I did web page development the entire ~6 hours I have logged, I probably took a few breaks here and there for several minutes and just never mentioned it, but for the most part my focus was largely on the project at hand. But yeah I feel like I'm not able to do anything right now. I'm going to possibly eat food, possibly go outside (except there's snow everywhere and it is freezing cold), possibly watch anime and chill, possibly take a nap. Lots of possibilities.


Well I'm thinking of installing Steam again so I can play some games instead of watching anime.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Planning Today – 12:04 AM

12:04 AM – Writing Journal – 12:07 AM

12:07 AM – Washing Dishes – 12:38 AM

12:38 AM – Web Development Related – 1:30 AM

1:30 AM – Sleep – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Bathroom – 9:06 AM

9:06 AM – Watching Videos – 9:25 AM

9:25 AM – Web Development Related – 10:26 AM

10:26 AM – Taking Photos Outside – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Wasting Time – 10:57 AM

10:57 AM – Web Developer Course – 11:41 AM

11:41 AM – Break – 11:54 AM

11:54 AM – Preparing Food – 11:58 AM

11:58 AM – Parents – 1:58 PM

1:58 PM – Wasting Time – 2:18 PM

2:18 PM – Web Developer Course – 6:05 PM

6:05 PM – Break – 6:13 PM

6:13 PM – Writing Journal – 6:16 PM

6:16 PM – Break – 9:05 PM

9:05 PM – Writing Journal – 9:06 PM

9:06 PM – Watching Anime – 10:06 PM

10:06 PM – Browsing Internet – 11:14 PM

11:14 PM – Homework – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:20)
Planning Today (0:04)
Writing Journal (0:07)
Web Development Related (1:53)
Web Developer Course (4:31)
Homework (0:45)

Neutral Hours (13:51)
Washing Dishes (0:31)
Sleep (7:30)
Bathroom (0:06)
Break (3:10)
Preparing Food (0:04)
Parents (2:00)

Non-Productive Hours (3:18)
Watching Videos (0:19)
Taking Photos Outside (0:04)
Wasting Time (0:47)
Watching Anime (1:00)
Browsing Internet (1:08)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 42
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 11

Thursday, March 22nd 2018

Tasks Today
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Web Developer Course (4 Hours)
Web Development Related (1 Hour)
Walk / Run Outside

12:20 AM

Whew. Whew. Whew. I finished my homework. That was really quick. I can't believe I spent 10:06 PM – 11:14 PM last night randomly browsing the Internet. I did a bunch of random things like solving riddles, solving puzzles, taking personality tests, etc.

Oh yeah, my personality type changed. I used to be ENTP back in high school and college (I first took the test at 16 in the same English class that made me keep a daily journal), I was very social, very spontaneous, had lots of random projects, very active, very talkative, if metrics are a good measure I was elected to be a class representative (out of 16 competitive and popular applicants) and I had over 1000 Facebook friends when it was open. When I dropped out and was an entrepreneur around 2013-2015ish, I was ENTJ.

A few hours ago (before I started my homework) I took the test again, it was a short 4 question one this time, and I got ISFP. Yikes, that's a complete change almost.

I used really dislike the Myers-Briggs Type Personality Test and I tried to denounce and debate people about it back in high school, even now I'm kind of a little hesitant to admit that this describes me. I mean, changing from an N to an S? Wow. But yeah, ISFP describes me today. People will say 'If you think your personality type can change then you don't understand personality types', well I understand brain plasticity enough to know that nothing is permanent, not our IQs, not our personalities. I definitely changed, and ISFP describes me, I think.

I'm going to read through it now and see if it actually does. Oh no, it doesn't describe me that much at all, just some parts of it. I'm probably more INFP now that I read that description, except large amounts also don't describe me that well either. Yeah personality type can just be a psychological belief where you take a test, and whatever description is given to you, your brain makes a recollection of only qualities that make them true to you. I don't believe in MBTI at all but it's just a fascinating experiment that can be true at some circumstances.

10:42 PM

Well I just wasted well over an hour randomly browsing the Internet, posting to some forums, looking at pictures, taking quizzes, etc. WHAT A WASTE OF TIME! I didn't even see the time go by. Apparently it's been one week now since I last uploaded my entries and photos. Ouch! I could do this every day, it doesn't take that long, but this was a mistake entirely.

Anyway, I'm basically still where I was last week. I didn't complete the entire JQuery section yet, even though I planned on completing it by Saturday a few days ago! That means I'm around 5 days or so behind from where I was supposed to be by now. Well I hope to finish the JQuery section today, and be done with it.

Then I can also get started on the Bootstrap section of the course and finally be able to redesign the website. So my plan today is to finish the JQuery section, and because the Bootstrap section isn't that long, I plan on finishing that today too if possible. Then, then I will upload my entries and selfies for the past week. Then I'll take a break, walk outside, do homework, etc, etc, then it's a new day tomorrow. Yeah. That's my plan for today. Let's see if it comes true.

Hmm what else do I want to add? Nothing else... I think. I'm just disappointed in all the time I had wasted. UGH. I wish I could be like, sent back in time, 10 months ago, maybe 1 month ago, you know? I don't even need to keep my own memories or anything, I would just like to restart... To have a second chance at doing something. But I don't have those chances, ever. Right now, this second, is something that even five years from now I'll look back on and want to go back to.

I know what to do at this time period in order to make the most of myself and the most of the available time and opportunities. It's not even 2020 yet. It's not even 2030 yet. I wonder how people in 2030 are doing? How is 2030? What is it like? We don't have self-driving cars in 2018, or at least they're not common at all, they're so rare.

That's my plan for the day and that's what I am going to get started on.

4:37 PM

I feel really good. I just came back from a jog outside, and I'm starting to get used to it again. It feels really good running outside. I saw nature, without my glasses so I couldn't really see much, but still I was in nature and because of the snow melting, there was lots of water, puddles, and streams I had to jump over. My shoes and socks got wet, my clothes were soaked from my sweat, but it was all good. I had a really good time.

When I got back home I was shocked to find that there were a bunch of construction material outside, and when I went inside, there were a bunch of people working on the windows and a door. Oh so it was finally our turn to have that replaced, I thought. There was renovation going around in our area so this is what that is for. The windows were completely gone, and so was one of the doors. That was the first time I saw the outside without any windows, it looked clear, there was just this big square hold in my room to the outside.

Anyway, I chilled out for the next however long it took for them to finish, in my parent's bathroom lying down on the ground, and I uploaded my Instagram pictures for the past few days during that time. Since I uploaded my IG pics, I need to then upload my entries from the past few days as well. I'm going to do that right now.

5:04 PM

Woohoo! Another task completed. Yeah baby! Now I just need to do 3.5 hours of web development related activities, and also my homework, and then I'm done for the day. I have around 7 hours left for the day, so that should be completely and humanely possible. However, knowing me, this is going to be a nearly impossible task. This is going to be so hard, but I'm going to have fun doing it. This is a challenge for myself.

I still feel a little bit fatigued from the run, I mean, fatigued in a good way. Like I feel a little bit high, and my muscles are sort of sore, but sore in a good way. It feels good how I feel right now. It's like there's a bunch of adrenaline released in my body in order to numb the pain, numb my feelings and everything.

Argh. I ran outside today though, and my vision was so shit. I want perfect vision again. Is there no way to improve it? I once thought there was, but man. So far I've just prevented my vision from declining any further, but haven't really improved it much if at all. I need to try harder.

Also I ran a good, at least, 1-2 miles today. Well, jogged. That was so much fun. It had been such a long time since I jogged. Of course I could barely see anything, and basically just stared at the floor the entire time to make sure I didn't step on some ice and slipped, which I almost did several times. Is there a word for nearly slipping, and then regaining balance? That's what happened to me several times, and my heart would jump, I would feel like I'm about to fall but then I would regain my balance. I need to be careful and not run on ice ever again.

I had a few ideas come to mind during my run. It has been a year since March 2017. SHIT. I'm in the future. Let me get some random quote from myself last year. I'm going to get an entry from myself on March 22nd 2017. I'm in the fucking future. Here is me last year:

"Today was a day. Nothing out of the ordinary. I woke up at around 8:30 AM, took a quick shower, got into work by 9:30 AM in which I had my first meeting. Afterwards I had another meeting at 10 which I trained the person in India for an hour. We went over his technique and I just critiqued, saying ways he should do it instead so he gets better results. I showed him some projects I worked on the past, and he was very impressed with some of them.

Afterwards I didn't have anything except just work to do from 11 AM to 12:30 PM. At 12:30 I had to do another training session, this time I did training with 7 people in the room, two people left for some other things, and I trained the remaining five people who stayed through the entire thing. Well, Chip was in there and he knew everything, so I was basically training four people. Kind of weird, last week there was the same number of people but I said I only trained two people... which doesn't really make sense." – March 22nd 2017

Yeah I lived a pretty normal life last year. Everything felt so normal and present. I remember those days, going to work and it being so freaking boring. I said I carried the team, remember? I wrote in a previous post. So I was training 7 people on that day. I also wrote several eBooks, and did a lot of the hard projects no one else wanted. Then I got fired this year, the reason being my 'performance was too low' which doesn't make any sense, I know there's more internal politics that happened rather than my own performance, but they couldn't just say that.

If I could be that me again. Whew. The world and my world would be so different today, right now. This very second. Everything would be a billion times better. But at that time, I couldn't see what opportunities I was missing, and I was way too lazy and tired most of the days after work to do anything else. I literally would just come home, eat some food, watch some anime or something. Hell I don't even remember what I did after work, it was so dull and boring, what a waste of time.

2017, right? Man. I Also remember December 31st 2016. I remember writing about how 2017 would take forever to end. It's already freaking over! 2017 is already gone! It's been 3 months out of 2017 right now! I'm going to find a quote from December 21st 2016 because I want to read it. I want to see what my life was like during that time.

"I'm home now making updates to this. It is the last post of 2016 so I want to make it count. I don't have too long before the year ends, this year will never happen again. It is all surreal. Just a few months ago, it felt like 2016 would be here to stay forever. Now, it's already over. I bet 2017 will feel like it will never end too, and yet, it will end surprisingly quickly. New Year's 2018 will be here soon enough." – December 31st 2016

GOODBYE 2016!!! Man. I wish I was back in those days again. Young. Youthful. Full of memories. Full of life. So much more to come. I just turned 23 at that time. I'm already nearly turning 25 now. I want to just run, and run, and run, and run, and run. I want to run away from it all, from all this going on. From time moving forward, from life itself. I don't want to die, but I just want more control. There's no way to rewind time.

Every second is a bet. That what I'm doing this very second, is the best thing to do at that very moment. I'm wrong nearly all the time. I'm so wrong so often. I'm so depressed and sad when I think about the past, and how my life could be so different today had I made different choices. I feel pathetic and washed up, like all my efforts are for naught. I try hard, I work hard, I really do put in the effort, but I feel like it's not going to anything.

I was making YouTube videos at that same time last year. I checked how many subscribers I have now on that channel, and I have more than 50. How the hell? If I kept it up, kept up making videos and kept on doing things related to that channel, would I have even more subscribers right now? I even made a video at that time, when I had just 4 subscribers, and I blatantly mentioned in that video "Well I have just 4 subscribers, I have a hard time imagining it being even 10 subscribers or 15 subscribers" but now I have more than 50 a year later! Who knew?

During my run I thought about that YouTube channel again. I think I am going to go back into making some videos every now and then. Just because. Just because I want to. Not for fun or for profit, but because I will be having a lot of free time now, and I can use that free time to make some videos.

There is a quote from George Eliot that I feel so much right now. I feel like it's the only thing in my life giving me hope, because I feel like I'm so late to everything, I feel like I have no chance at anything. Here is the only quote that gives me any hope for the future: "It's never to late to be what you might have been." I could have been so much in my life right now, at this very moment, had I made different choices instead of the choices I did make.

Again I feel depressed just thinking about it. I'm not who I wanted to become today. This is not the me I wanted to be. I became myself because of the choices I made, and I regret those choices.

This quote gives me some inspiration though, that it's not too late. I feel like I have missed out on my entire life, but the truth is that I'm still very young and there's still so much life ahead. My entire life is still ahead of me. This is a new day. Tomorrow is a new day. I might have made a billion mistakes in the past, I may have completely screwed everything up, but as long as there's tomorrow, there's still a chance. There's still a chance for me.

It would be awesome if someone could just help me, but there is no one I can turn to. It's so hard but I have to keep going. Keep going. Move forward. That's the only thing that I can do today. It's no longer yesterday, I don't have yesterday to act on, I have to act on today, right now, so that tomorrow I don't regret today like I did yesterday.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Homework – 12:18 AM

12:18 AM – Planning Today – 12:20 AM

12:20 AM – Writing Journal – 12:48 AM

12:48 AM – Reading Junk – 1:08 AM

1:08 AM – Sleep – 9:08 AM

9:08 AM – Wasting Time – 10:42 AM

10:42 AM – Writing Journal – 10:49 AM

10:49 AM – Wasting Time – 11:12 AM

11:12 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:40 PM

12:40 PM – Break – 12:58 PM

12:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 1:08 PM

1:08 PM – Break – 1:18 PM

1:18 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Walking / Running Outside – 2:36 PM

2:36 PM – Break – 2:46 PM

2:46 PM – Uploading Photos to IG – 4:04 PM /

4:04 PM – Cleaning Up – 4:37 PM

4:37 PM – Writing Journal – 4:44 PM

4:44 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 5:04 PM

5:04 PM – Writing Journal – 5:33 PM

5:33 PM – Break – 6:03 PM

6:03 PM – Nap – 8:14 PM

8:14 PM – Web Development Related – 8:52 PM

8:52 PM – Web Developer Course – 11:44 PM

11:44 PM – Homework – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:31)
Homework (0:18)
Planning Today (0:02)
Writing Journal (1:04)
Web Developer Course (4:30)
Walking / Running Outside (1:11)
Uploading Photos to IG (0:18)
Cleaning Up (0:38)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:20)
Web Development Related (0:36)
Homework (0:15)

Neutral Hours (11:16)
Sleep (8:00)
Break (0:58)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:07)
Nap (2:11)

Unproductive Hours (2:17)
Reading Junk (0:20)
Wasting Time (1:57)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 47
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Friday, March 23rd 2018

Tasks Today
Web Developer Course (4 Hours)
Web Development Related (1 Hour)
Walking / Running Outside
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Upload Previous Day's Photos

Gutter Tasks
Write program that can convert and upload notes / activities from Working On, In Progress, and Done folders to website.
Update journal entry to html program to properly group the "Gutter Tasks", "Waiting Tasks", "Productive Hours", etc, groups into their own divs.

Waiting Tasks
Draw / Redesign website (wait until Bootstrap course section is finished)
Script / Record / Upload "Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" video (wait until redesign is done)
Script / Record / Upload "I'm Back" video (Wait until "Record / Upload Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" is done)
Clean Up YouTube (Wait until "I'm Back" video is done)

12:21 AM

Woohoo! I did it! I completed all of yesterday's tasks no sweat. I was kind of worried that I wasn't going to make it there, especially when I woke up from a nap at around 8 PM and was like "oh crap" I still need to get 3.5 hours in, and I only have 4 hours of the day left! So I just appropriately panicked, and non-stop worked on web development related materials the entire time. I count "Web Development Related" as anything web development related, including an extra hour of the web developer course.

So I'm learning Bootstrap now, and the course is kind of old (2014) so I'm learning Bootstrap 3 in that series. However, the 4th version of Bootstrap is already out and has been for a while, and it's completely different from Bootstrap 3. Some of the code I write for Bootstrap 3 for example doesn't do anything if I use that same code on Bootstrap 4, so I had to go over the documentation to read what to do.

Also I think the course is definitely rushing this section. We're barely doing anything in Bootstrap and most of the time he just says "If you want to learn more go read the documentation", which I was forced to do for BS4 anyway. After using the two and comparing the two, I think BS4 is written better in code, but its appearance is worse than BS3. That actually might be a good idea for one of my first videos back onto YouTube. I added it to my tasks today. I think I can get that done.

So basically I have a few identical websites already, just in BS3 and BS4. So these two websites are basically the same, in terms of using the same BS logic to write and create them, but there is a huge difference in appearance between the two. The BS4 appearance looks appalling. I don't think I'm going to be using it for my website.

Although to be honest I'm very excited now for what's to come. Well, after doing a review again, the Bootstrap 4 themes look really nice. Maybe I just am not using the correct classes? Whatever. I'm still making the video despite not knowing fully what I'm talking about. From my recreations though, they do look completely different from each other, and BS3 looks more beautiful.

Also, I checked my homework just now, and I'm so shocked to find that we had video lectures in class! How did I not know this?! I would have been able to do so much freaking better had I known there were video lectures for it.

Ah, also, yesterday, about writing how I kind of want to go back in time to be able to redo my past actions to be able to do better, well, I feel like that every day. Every day. That is my underlying feeling in life. Nothing feels the same, because I always feel like it could have been better. It could have been a lot better. I have lots of regrets. I have lots of sorrows. Why am I such a fool?

Anyway, I'm going to get two things off of my tasks list tonight, at leas two things. I'm going to upload yesterday's entries and photos.

12:51 AM

There we go. I uploaded yesterday's materials nice and easy. Now what? I could either do more of the course, or just take a break or something... Eh sure, why not. I'll do a little bit more of the course since I'm not doing anything else.

Oh, and also, one really cool thing that happened yesterday since there were a bunch of people that came in and replaced the windows, but I moved my desk to be in front of the window in my room now. It looks so much nicer and cleaner, and especially in the morning when there's sun shining in, and I get to see an awesome view outside, it feels so nice. There used to be this large drawer that was in front of the windows before, and it looked really bad. The reason for this was because I used the drawer as a standing desk, or I planned to anyway, but I barely used it as a standing desk, so it was a big waste and it took up a lot of space.

With the people needing access to the windows, I guess they moved it out of the way, because I saw it moved when I came back. Then after they left, since the drawer was already out of place, I just decided to swap the two and put my desk over there, my dad was actually the one who moved it over while I did something else, I don't know why I took credit for that heh. Anyway, my desk is now in front of the windows. Awesome. I like the view outside when the blinds are open.

Right now the blinds are closed and my room looks as dull as ever. In the morning though, it looks so nice and clean as the sun shines in. Will I be able to concentrate and focus while having that awesome view outside? I don't know. Tomorrow will be my first 'work' day in which I attempt that. If it turns out I'm unable to focus, then I'm going to have to leave the blinds closed when I'm working.

12:11 PM

Oh, interesting. Yes. I've finally finished another one of the pages translating it from Bootstrap 3 to Bootstrap 4. After really thinking about it and comparing the two methods, I still really like and prefer not only Bootstrap 3's appearance, but also its syntax. In order to do the same things in Bootstrap 4, you have to really write a lot more code and read a lot more documentation.

I'm going to write my "Bootstrap 4 is Worse than Bootstrap 3" video script here, just so I don't feel alone in my thoughts. I have notes and other things in other documents, like for example I have over 6000 words in notes for this course alone that I'm taking, but I'm going to upload that eventually... Hmm... Should I actually write my script here, or elsewhere?

Well, I think I should finish my website first before working on the video actually. I'll add it to my "Gutter Tasks". I'll actually make an entirely new section called "Gutter Tasks" in this journal and move all my video related activities there. I'll move anything in mind, and anything I have to do to that list.

Wait I can make a "Waiting" tasks list where I need to wait for other conditions to be met first before I can start there. I'll move my video related activities there, and I will also create a "Gutter Tasks" for tasks that come to mind that I need to do at some point.

Oh yeah. I can now start to imagine what layout I can have for these journal entries per page. I'm just imagining it in my mind and it's shaping up beautifully and really nicely. This is pretty cool. Well of course the current website layout plain old sucks, it's just an HTML page, just one page, and it's just a bunch of entries all stacked on top of each other. In short, the layout is plain and simple.

I'm imagining a new kind of layout with one journal entry per page, and one page that just links to all of them. Inside each of these pages is a really nice layout. Yeah. I can imagine that. I'm having so much fun right now, the time of my life. This is so much fun. I can't lie. This is amazing. Words can't describe how much ecstasy I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's just because I'm in front of the windows and it's the coldest place in my entire home, and I am a little bit freezing, but I am invigorated. I cannot wait to actually redesign the website. I'm tingling with joy.

8:40 PM

I did it. Finally. I finished the Bootstrap section, well the Bootstrap 3 section anyway. According to myself, I made a rule that I have to recreate every page on Bootstrap 4, so now I have to recreate this final project into Bootstrap 4 as well. Keep in mind it took me basically an entire day to get it done, so now I am really freaking tired.

I did over 8 hours of web page development related material today, which is a record. I am so freaking tired. Exhausted. I just want to either go to sleep or watch an anime. I'm going to watch an anime. I'm so freaking tired. I just want to lie down and take a break.

8:56 PM

I'm so glad though. I was finally able to get through that section. Woohoo. I now know how to use Bootstrap and how to use it to make sites. I am considering using a different framework though. MaterializeCSS looks like it's really awesome.

9:23 PM

Yeah I like MaterializeCSS a lot. After viewing their website again, it looks amazing. I am going to finish up the Bootstrap 4 version of the same website I made for the final project, and then start on redesigning It's likely I will be using MaterializeCSS for it, but we shall see. For now I will really take a break. I need to lie down for a bit.

11:16 PM

I did it. Heh. Yes! I did all of today's tasks. Woo!


11:49 PM


Time Log

12:00 AM – Homework – 12:09 AM

12:09 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:21 AM

12:21 AM – Writing Journal -12:37 AM

12:37 AM – Uploading Yesterday's Entries – 12:46 AM

12:46 AM – Uploading Yesterday's Photos – 12:51 AM

12:51 AM – Writing Journal – 12:59 AM

12:59 AM – Browsing Internet – 1:59 AM

1:59 AM – Web Developer Course – 2:26 AM

2:26 AM – Watching Anime – 5:30 AM

5:30 AM – Sleep – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Wasting Time – 11:06 AM

11:06 AM – Bathroom – 11:11 AM

11:11 AM – Web Developer Course – 12:11 PM

12:11 PM – Writing Journal – 12:30 PM

12:30 PM – Web Developer Course – 1:52 PM

1:52 PM – Preparing Food – 1:58 PM

1:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 4:06 PM

4:06 PM – Preparing Food – 4:10 PM

4:10 PM – Web Developer Course – 4:36 PM

4:36 PM – Preparing Food – 4:48 PM

4:48 PM – Eating Food – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM - Cleaning Up – 5:20 PM

5:20 PM – Eating Food – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM – Web Development Related - 6:15 PM

6:15 PM – Web Developer Course – 8:39 PM

8:39 PM – Break – 8:40 PM

8:40 PM – Writing Journal – 8:42 PM

8:42 PM – Break – 8:56 PM

8:56 PM – Writing Journal – 8:58 PM

8:58 PM – Web Development Related – 9:23 PM

9:23 PM – Writing Journal – 9:25 PM

9:25 PM – Break – 10:25 PM

10:25 PM – Walking Outside – 11:16 PM

11:16 PM – Writing Journal – 11:29 PM

11:29 PM – Browsing Internet – 11:49 PM

11:49 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (11:10)
Homework (0:09)
Setting Up Today (0:12)
Writing Journal (1:12)
Uploading Yesterday's Entries (0:09)
Uploading Yesterday's Photos (0:05)
Web Developer Course (7:47)
Web Development Related (1:10)
Walking Outside (0:51)

Neutral Hours (7:43)
Sleep (5:30)
Bathroom (0:05)
Preparing Food (0:16)
Eating Food (0:22)
Cleaning Up (0:20)
Break (1:15)

Unproductive Hours (4:30)
Browsing Internet (1:20)
Watching Anime (3:04)
Wasting Time (0:06)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 55
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Saturday, March 24th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development Related (5 Hours)
Upload Yesterday's Photos
Upload Yesterday's Entries
Walk / Run Outside
A bit of Homework

Gutter Tasks
Make Journal to HTML converter add divs for "Tasks Today", "Gutter Tasks", etc.
Instagram Photo Downloader
Weight Journal
Status Notes ('working on', 'completed', etc)

Waiting Tasks
Draw / Redesign website (wait until Bootstrap course section is finished)
Script / Record / Upload "Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" video (wait until redesign is done)
Script / Record / Upload "I'm Back" video (Wait until "Record / Upload Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" is done)
Clean Up YouTube (Wait until "I'm Back" video is done)

12:53 AM

Geez my journal entries are getting a bit... overweight...? Is that the right word? There's so much random stuff and junk going on here now. Oh well. I guess that's just how it goes. I'm going to do what I did last night, and get two tasks done before I even wake up tomorrow. I'm going to upload yesterday's photos and yesterday's journal entry. Woohoo!

1:10 AM

Alright I managed to get two things done again before I even fell asleep. I can do some web page development tonight. I need to finish the website and translate it to work with Bootstrap 4. I think I am going to end up using Bootstrap 4 instead of 3 to make the design on my website if I decide to use Bootstrap, otherwise I am using MaterializeCSS.

The reason why I need to remake the site in Bootstrap 4 anyway is because I want to have a bit more experience with it, so I can talk about those points more expertly in the video. So yeah. I'm going to go ahead and just do this now.

11:53 AM

FINALLY. That took such a long time. I finally finished the website. Now I can get started on redesigning I don't think I wan to use Bootstrap anymore. It was so freaking frustrating using Bootstrap 4, because of how different it was from Bootstrap 3. It was so different. I'm going to eat some food, then watch some other videos on other frameworks.

5:23 PM

I hung out with a friend for the past few hours, the third friend that randomly wanted to hang out so far. There might be some more... I think at most there can be 2 or 3 more other close friends that I haven't seen in a while that might want to hang out eventually, who knows. Then there's around 3 cousins in the area I haven't seen in a while, that might want to hang out sometime.

Yeah I don't really have that many friends nor do I go out much. I have a much better time at home being by myself and also with my parents. I have such a good time, every day is happiness.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Writing Yesterday's Journal – 12:01 AM

12:01 AM – Taking Yesterday's Photos – 12:07 AM

12:07 AM – Wasting Time – 12:17 AM

12:17 AM – Washing Dishes – 12:25 AM

12:25 AM – Wasting Time – 12:32 AM

12:32 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:36 AM

12:36 AM – Weight Book – 12:41 AM

12:41 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:53 AM

12:53 AM – Writing Journal – 12:55 AM

12:55 AM – Uploading Yesterday's Photos – 1:01 AM

1:01 AM – Uploading Yesterday's Entry – 1:10 AM

1:10 AM – Writing Journal – 1:14 AM

1:14 AM – Web Development Related – 2:14 AM

2:14 AM – Sleep – 9:44 AM

9:44 AM – Browsing Internet – 9:54 AM

9:54 AM – Web Development Related – 11:45 AM

11:45 AM – Break – 11:53 AM

11:53 AM – Writing Journal – 11:57 AM

11:57 AM – Preparing Food – 12:11 PM

12:11 PM – Eating Food – 12:30 PM

12:30 PM – Browsing Internet – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Web Development Related – 1:40 PM

1:40 PM – Shower – 2:01 PM

2:01 PM – Friend – 5:05 PM

5:05 PM – Break – 5:23 PM

5:23 PM – Writing Journal – 5:25 PM

5:25 PM – Browsing Internet – 5:37 PM

5:37 PM – Watching Anime – 6:37 PM

6:37 PM – Nap – 9:37 PM

9:37 PM – Watching Anime 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:19)
Writing Yesterday's Journal (0:01)
Taking Yesterday's Photos (0:06)
Setting Up Today (0:16)
Weight Book (0:05)
Writing Journal (0:13)
Uploading Yesterday's Photos (0:06)
Uploading Yesterday's Entry (0:09)
Web Development Related (3:21)

Neutral Hours (11:37)
Washing Dishes (0:08)
Sleep (7:30)
Break (0:26)
Preparing Food (0:14)
Eating Food (0:19)
Nap (3:00)

Unproductive Hours (7:45)
Wasting Time (0:17)
Browsing Internet (1:02)
Friend (3:04)
Watching Anime (3:22)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 58
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Sunday, March 25th 2018

Tasks Today
Work on (2 Hours)
Web Development Related (2 Hours)
Upload Yesterday's Entries
Upload Yesterday's Photos
Homework (1 hour)

Gutter Tasks
Journal to HTML Converter – Separate out journal sections like Gutter Tasks into their own divs
Weight Journal – Write entry today
Upload Progress Notes ('working on', 'completed', etc)
Instagram Photo Downloader

Waiting Tasks
Script / Record / Upload "Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" video – Wait until redesign is done
Script / Record / Upload "I'm Back video" – Wait until "Bootstrap 4 is worse than Bootstrap 3" video is done
Clean Up YouTube Channel – Wait until I'm Back video is done

11:00 AM

It is so easy to get distracted and become lazy. That's what I feel like doing right now. I feel like just browsing the Internet and reading fiction for a while. I'm so lazy and tired. I think I'm going to do that despite knowing it's not the best way to spend time. I'm going to be thinking about design ideas while taking this 'break'.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Anime – 4:00 AM

4:00 AM – Sleep – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Browsing Internet – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Setting Up Today – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Writing Journal – 11:01 AM

11:01 AM – Reading Fiction – 11:31 AM

11:31 AM – Wasting Time – 9:24 PM

9:24 PM – Friend – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:06)
Setting Up Today (0:05)
Writing Journal (0:01)

Neutral Hours (6:30)
Sleep (6:30)

Unproductive Hours (18:23)
Watching Anime (4:00)
Browsing Internet (0:25)
Reading Fiction (0:30)
Wasting Time (9:53)
Friend (3:35)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 58
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Monday, March 26th 2018

Tasks Today
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Web Development (5 Hours)
Homework (1 Hour)
Walk / Run Outside

Other Tasks
Journal to HTML Converter – Separate out sections such as "Tasks Today", "Other Tasks", etc. into their own divs
Weight Journal – Write Down Entry
Instagram Photo Downloader

"Bootstrap 4 is Worse than Bootstrap 3" video – after redesign is done
"I'm Back Video" – After "Bootstrap 4 is Worse than Bootstrap 3" video is done
Clean up YouTube Channel – After other two videos are done
Progress Notes Uploader – After Instagram Photo Downloader is done

1:10 AM

Whew. I feel exhausted. All I did yesterday was lie down on the ground, prone, and I watched anime and that was it. Such a waste of a day. I literally just lied there doing nothing. Watching anime. Reading about anime. I barely moved around, I didn't go outside, for the majority of the day I was on my stomach, on the floor, watching a screen. The entire day. What a waste of an entire day. I felt too lazy to do anything else.

Around 8 PM or so my parents told me that my friend was leaving for India for his wedding, and I had forgotten it was his last day today. He was leaving on a flight tomorrow morning, and I wouldn't see him for a few months. I was invited to his wedding, but I'm not sure if I will be able to attend. It's unlikely.

I went through the past 2 journal entries I wrote and not only do they suck, but they're pretty boring. I should have written more about what I did with the friends I hung out with. I'll do that.

So with the friend on Saturday that I visited, he's a friend that I met in Boy Scouts so I've known him for a long time, around 10 years already. He's a pretty cool guy, but very reckless and does things spontaneously which has gotten him into trouble plenty of times. He's a few months older than I am but he's already had his birthday recently, so he's 25 already.

I have really good memories of him being such a good friend, like letting me sleep over a bunch of times when I was in high school, and one time when my back tire popped near his house and I walked it over, he took out the tubes from his own tires to give me and he fixed up my bike when at the time I didn't know how. One time in Boy Scouts I had forgotten my uniform for a meeting, and like I said he's pretty spontaneous, so he took off his own uniform which just left him just in his underwear, to let me borrow for a while.

Super nice guy. I also remember sneaking outside of our Boy Scout tents at night with him and some other as well, and sneaking around the forests and camping areas. Those were so fun. Due to getting in trouble a lot, he did end up in jail for a few years, in which he was my penpal and he would call me every now and then. Those years went by fast.

When I came over his house today, I hadn't seen him in several months, and the last time I spoke to him was to wish him Happy Birthday through a text message. Oh yeah, he also freaking went out of the way to make sure I had a good 22nd birthday. Like he bought me tickets to a EDM concert, we went, but I didn't like it that much so I ended up going home early. That seriously happened. Like he went out of the way to prepare everything, and I just went home.

2015. I wish I could go back to that time. I'd give up anything, including my own life, to go back and relive it again, making different choices however. 2015 is one of my favorite years in my entire life. Did I delete the post in which I wrote about it exclusively, writing about what happened to me that year and the things I did? I don't remember if I deleted all that or not, but it's significant in that I have more memories from 2015 than 2014, 2016, and 2017 combined.

Anyway our hanging out was just that. I just went over his house, he lives with his girlfriend who was at work, and we just caught up on things. I just told him what I was doing, what's happened to me lately, and so on. Then we went to our old Boy Scout meeting building, a suggestion I made to get us outside, and then we went to Best Buy. His girlfriend is a recruiter, and he texted me after I got back home her email address and to email her my resume asap. That was pretty much it.

The other friend that I hung out with today is the one leaving for India for his wedding. I met him while I was in high school as well, although I don't remember the circumstances. He's another really nice guy. He lived around 1 minute away driving (practically neighbors) in the old city we lived in, and I moved to a different city in 2015 (another memory of why 2015 was significant). He and his family coincidentally moved to the same city a few months later, and we ended up being 5 minutes away driving.

He is very dependable in that no matter what the problem is, I feel like he's a really willing guy to rely on. Whatever the issue is, he will pretty much help anyone out. He says that's one of his 'weaknesses' or 'problems' in that he can't say no to a person asking for his help on something, anything.

It's kind of weird. The people I get closest to are people I can rely on to be like that. The friend I mentioned before that I met in Boy Scouts is the same, at least in my case, where he would be willing to help me out as well pretty much no matter (well he does have an extent). Where as this Indian friend who's about to get married soon, he's the kind of person who would let me borrow his room for a week if I asked. Okay none of my other friends are as willingly generous as this one, but they're reliable as well in that I can pretty much come over anytime I guess.

I did that before for one of my other friends, I woke him and his entire family up... Shit. In 2015 again. Fuck. When I was having what was, at the time, a major problem for me, and I was so scared and terrified. I drove over to his house at around 11 PM, I don't even think I warned him I was coming over, and I just rang the doorbell not knowing people were already asleep, but I didn't care either, I was panicked.

Seriously? I scanned through my journal on the site and didn't find the list of things I did in 2015. Maybe I wrote it in a journal entry before I started uploading online? 2015 was such a significant year. There were so many things that happened that year. So many things.

Oh crap, yeah. I found it in my January 31st entry where I listed my significant memories of 2015. I've only been uploading entries since February 20th so that's why the website didn't have it.

Sigh. Anyway. The friend I hung out with tonight, I just visited his home yesterday at around 9:30 PM to say goodbye and to give him a wedding gift since he was leaving. I ended up hanging out with him and his family for a while, like several hours. I downloaded and play this game about life simulator game on my phone and played it for well over an hour. I was tired and sleepy but I was invited to go to iHop with him and some family members, so I ended up going, I didn't order anything just water. We talked about random stuff.

Also I took a nap earlier today and I had a dream. I died in that dream, several times, because it was about this online video game in which users battled each other and I was battling people, getting defeated, then respawning. I had a team in which I had come to know each individual closely and the connections felt so real and vivid. When I woke up from the nap I wanted to go back, and I was saddened I was back in the real world, facing the realization again that I would die someday.

My posts are so boring. I just write about whatever is on my mind, not really much about what I did. Again I'm really tired and sleepy. I've felt this way the entire day. It might have been because yesterday and the day before I ate nothing but junk food, chips, and the like. I ate a ton of chips. Two full bags of chips that were over 1600 calories per bag. These were big bags of chips that would take my mom a few days to finish even one, and I ate two of them in pretty much one sitting. I also didn't picture of every time I ate chips because it always feels like it's not a lot.

Major sigh. I'm going to sleep.

9:25 AM

I'm feeling a lot better than last night. Still somewhat lazy, but a lot better. I'm going to start working on the redesign of the website now. I'll use Bootstrap for now since it's what I know, I just need to draw out what it should look like first.

8:52 PM

Finally. Just finished making another Bootstrap website from a tutorial. The video was only one hour long, but it took me several hours to finish it, don't ask me how that is even possible. I was pretty much into it the past few hours I've been working on it, with few distractions.

10:42 PM

Ah so I should know Bootstrap by now. However, I still have no idea what kind of website I want to make for my journals. What kind of layout will it have? How will it look? Ahhh....... How will the rest of the site look? Ahhhhhhhh.

I am going to have to draw for a while on this. I'm going to sketch out some ideas, and then just get started. I'm going to go with the standard Bootstrap navbar since everyone freaking uses it. Is it even required? I don't think it is but every tutorial I've done so far (I did two of them) has used that same navbar. It's so tacky and lame but I might have no choice but to use it.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Friend – 12:32 AM

12:32 AM – Reviewing Yesterday – 12:35 AM

12:35 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:41 AM

12:41 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 12:47 AM

12:47 AM – Distraction – 12:57 AM

12:57 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 1:10 AM

1:10 AM – Writing Journal – 2:07 AM

2:07 AM – Sleep – 9:07 AM

9:07 AM – Distraction – 9:25 AM

9:25 AM – Writing Journal – 9:29 AM

9:29 AM – Bathroom – 9:34 AM

9:34 AM – Web Development – 11:34 AM

11:34 AM – Break – 12:34 PM

12:34 PM – Wasting Time – 1:34 PM

2:34 PM – Web Development – 4:38 PM

4:38 PM – Washing Dishes – 4:46 PM

4:46 PM – Web Development – 5:48 PM

5:48 PM – Break – 6:22 PM

6:22 PM – Web Development – 8:52 PM

8:52 PM – Writing Journal – 8:54 PM

8:54 PM – Break – 9:54 PM

9:54 PM – Watching Anime – 10:42 PM

10:42 PM – Writing Journal – 10:46 PM

10:46 PM – Distraction – 10:56 PM

10:56 PM – Sketching – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:07)
Reviewing Yesterday (0:03)
Setting Up Today (0:06)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:06)
Uploading Previous Day's Photos (0:13)
Writing Journal (1:05)
Web Development (7:38)
Sketching (0:03)

Neutral Hours (9:49)
Sleep (7:00)
Bathroom (0:05)
Break (2:36)
Washing Dishes (0:08)

Unproductive Hours (3:58)
Friend (0:32)
Distraction (0:38)
Wasting Time (1:00)
Watching Anime (1:48)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 65
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Tuesday, March 27th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Walk / Run Outside
Upload Previous Day's Photos
Upload Previous Day's Entries
Homework (1 Hour)

Other Tasks
Journal to HTML Converter – Separate out sections such as "Tasks Today", "Other Tasks", etc. into their own divs
Weight Journal – Write Down Entry
Instagram Photo Downloader

"Bootstrap 4 is Worse than Bootstrap 3" video – after redesign is done
"I'm Back Video" – After "Bootstrap 4 is Worse than Bootstrap 3" video is done
Clean up YouTube Channel – After other two videos are done
Progress Notes Uploader – After Instagram Photo Downloader is done

11:45 PM

Whoa I was about to let this entire day end without me writing anything in my journal.

I was into making websites this afternoon and was deliberately studying them and trying to figure out how the CSS Grid system worked. I don't think I want to use Bootstrap anymore just because of how limiting it is. I have some design ideas for the website I want to make, and the thing is, I don't think Bootstrap allows me to make those kinds of websites, not with the kind of limitations that frameworks like bootstrap have.

So that's when I decided I wanted to learn how to make a vanilla website, using no plugins or extra files or anything other than the ones I make myself. It's kind of just a random challenge sort of, to make a website like this. I'm sure I'm still going to be using other third party systems and code eventually, but I do want to try making my own website from scratch not using any frameworks or any libraries or anything like that. Just for fun.

So now I'm doing a tutorial on how to make this one theme website using CSS Grid, and I'm just going along doing this tutorial. Before I started the tutorial I had so many ideas flooding my mind about different layouts my site could have, and I was so psyched and excited. And then sometime around 5 or 6 PM, I got interrupted by one of my parents, they asked me to do something which distracted my attention away from working, and then before I knew it, I was eating food and watching anime.

Anyway today was basically a normal day. Sure I wasted today. Sure I didn't do any homework. Sure I didn't freaking exercise. Well, I can't even say anything good about today. I did do 5 hours of web development though.

Anyway that was my day today. I have to upload the previous day's entries and photos tomorrow.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Distraction – 12:30 AM

12:30 AM – Sleep – 7:00 AM

7:00 AM – Distraction – 7:47 AM

7:47 AM – Planning Today – 7:57 AM

7:57 AM – Distraction – 8:04 AM

8:04 AM – Web Development – 9:15 AM

9:15 AM – Break – 10:15 AM

10:15 AM – Wasting Time – 1:45 PM

1:45 PM – Web Development -2:53 PM

2:53 PM – Bathroom – 3:03 PM

3:03 PM – Web Development – 4:27 PM

4:27 PM – Break – 4:37 PM

4:37 PM – Web Development – 5:37 PM

5:37 PM – Break – 6:37 PM

6:37 PM – Watching Anime – 11:27 PM

11:27 PM – Web Development – 11:45 PM

11:45 PM – Writing Journal – 11:50 PM

11:50 PM – Watching Anime – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:16)
Planning Today (0:10)
Web Development (5:01)
Writing Journal (0:05)

Neutral Hours (8:50)
Sleep (6:30)
Break (2:10)
Bathroom (0:10)

Unproductive Hours (9:53)
Distraction (1:24)
Wasting Time (3:30)
Watching Anime (4:59)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 3
Web Development: 70
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Wednesday, March 28th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Upload previous day's photos
Upload previous day's entries

Other Tasks
Journal to HTML to read/convert other sections i.e. "Tasks Today" into own section
Weight Loss Book

"Bootstrap 3 Looks Better than 4" video ( redesign is done)
"I'm back" video (Bootstrap 3 looks better video is done)
Clean up / redesign channel (I'm back video is done)
Notes Uploader (In Progress, Done, etc)

12:11 PM

I'm going to go outside and run in about an hour. I didn't get any exercise the past few days, nor did I write any entries about it. So I'm going to do that later today.

2:57 PM

I said around 3 hours ago that I was going to go outside and run after around 1 hour, it's been around 2 hours since then and I still haven't gone outside. I got distracted with the website and all.

Sigh. I think the website is really in need of a re-design by now. I'm going to have to recreate the site again. First... First... Hmm...

3:30 PM

I got it. Finally. Freaking creative's block. It's really hard to come up with something new and original. Very hard. Coming up with a layout for my site, even though it sounds like it's simple and I can just make it look like whatever, it is so hard because I can make it look like whatever. If there's no limit to what you can do, it's hard to figure out even where to begin. But finally, I have a design for the site now. I can finally start working on it.

I think this initial design is going to not be that great, but it's a start. It's better than having nothing.

5:35 PM

I got it! I adjusted the journal to html converter to finally read the other sections I have been writing about and creating. Of course this might have been a mistake as well, because before it used to group everything by either the journal or the time log, and it just included the text from the other sections inside of it. Now that I have created separate new 'sections' for these different document sections, it won't format correctly at all on the website if I post it now.

This just means I really have to update the website to look a lot better. Also I'm not sure what is going to happen to my old entries just yet, because most of my entries do not follow this format. Good thing I used a VCS and I can go back to previous branches to redo some things. In fact I am going to do that. I need to do that, and I will also upload my previous days' entries.

5:57 PM

Finally finished. Now that the new conversion program works properly, I just need to build a theme around it now. I actually already know what the theme should look like, which is why I worked on the conversion program to be able to split up the sections properly. I'm going to watch some anime I guess, eat some food, and then I'm going to go back to work on it.

I have some homework due tonight, but I feel like doing those last minute. I'm a little bit hungry right now, I've been working since 12 PM basically, having just a few breaks.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Anime – 4:00 AM

4:00 AM – Sleep – 9:43 AM

9:43 AM – Planning Today – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – Distraction – 10:07 AM

10:07 AM – Web Development – 11:34 AM

11:34 AM – Preparing Food – 11:38 AM

11:38 AM – Eating Food – 11:48 AM

11:48 AM – Preparing Food – 11:51 AM

11:51 AM – Eating Food – 11:58 AM

11:58 AM – Preparing Food – 12:02 PM

12:02 PM – Eating Food – 12:11 PM

12:11 PM – Writing Journal – 12:13 PM

12:13 PM – Web Development – 12:36 PM

12:36 PM – Bathroom – 12:40 PM

12:40 PM – Web Development – 2:57 PM

2:57 PM – Writing Journal – 2:58 PM

2:58 PM – Distraction – 3:04 PM

3:04 PM – Sketching – 3:30 PM

3:30 PM – Writing Journal – 3:33 PM

3:33 PM – Web Development – 3:53 PM

3:53 PM – Journal to HTML Converter – 5:35 PM

5:35 PM – Writing Journal – 5:42 PM

5:42 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 5:57 PM

5:57 PM – Writing Journal – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Break – 7:00 PM

7:00 PM – Watching Anime – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Nap – 10:29 PM

10:29 PM – Homework – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:20)
Planning Today (0:09)
Web Development (4:27)
Writing Journal (0:15l)
Sketching (0:26)
Journal to HTML Converter (1:18)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:15)
Homework (1:30)

Neutral Hours (8:53)
Sleep (5:43)
Preparing Food (0:11)
Eating Food (0:26)
Bathroom (0:04)
Break (1:00)
Nap (1:29)

Non-Productive Hours (6:21)
Distraction (0:21)
Watching Anime (6:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 4
Web Development: 74
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Thursday, March 29th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Day's Entries

Other Tasks
Weight Loss Book
Notes Uploader

"Bootstrap 3 looks better than Bootstrap 4" video (wait until redesign is done)
"I'm Back" video (Wait until above video is done)
Clean up YouTube channel (wait until above video is done)

12:25 AM

Woo. It is a new day today. One day I'll be dead. It's not so hard to imagine not existing. It's just horrific imagining any number of ways that I'll go. Every single way to die is terrifying. I can't imagine a single death scenario, even dying in one's sleep, that is peaceful. Every way to die is horrific, it's all painful, more painful than the worst pain we can imagine, and we all die alone even if we die surrounded by others. We all die alone even if we die together, no one joins us in death.

All of my existence, everything I am, everything I have done, becomes nothing once I'm dead. Anyone can then claim to be a reincarnation of me, and there's no way I or anyone else would be able to deny it. In a sense, we're all each other, but we can also be other living creatures, not just humans.

Living with what I have in this moment of time, I feel satisfied. I have everything I ever need for anything I'd ever want. A hundred years from now, all the pleasures I feel like are amazing that I have today, will probably not live up to even a third world country's standard. I can't even imagine that. I don't really need much. I need my glasses or contacts to see, I need a computer with Windows installed, I need an Internet connection, and some food and water. Everything else is extraneous. Maybe a desk and chair would be nice too, but I can just use the floor. Oh yeah, I need an electrical outlet that works. I need a place to lie down, I need access to the outside world, a window to look out from, and yeah that's pretty much it. I need clothes too, and a fully functioning mind and body.

I think that's all I pretty much need in life really, and I have all those. Oh yeah, a bathroom too. Hmm... I think that's pretty much it. There's probably some other things I'm forgetting that are minor, ah a toothbrush and toothpaste. Those things to store contact lenses in. A cell phone with charger, oh and I would need a charger for my laptop as well. Umm yeah, that's all I need I think. I don't even need a bed, since I sleep on the floor anyway, I don't remember the last time I slept on my bed, it's probably been over a year since then, and I'm not exaggerating, I really just sleep on the floor, although it is carpeted so it's not exactly a rough surface.

Everything I know will end and I will die. Whew. What was the meaning of my existence? What was it all for? Was I born just to suffer? I don't get it. If I had the choice to be born or not be born, I would definitely choose to have never been born. I didn't ask to exist. It doesn't even matter if I become born as the happiest man or wealthiest man on the planet, who cares? I'd rather not exist at all, that is true bliss. To die and not exist, I mean that's bliss too, but it's not as blissful as never having existed in the first place.

I hate the concept of having been born, as any creature or lifeform. I mean, why the hell? Why suffer an existence? This sucks. I'm forced to live a lifetime, literally forced, and I had no negotiation in the matter. Just... I was nothing before, and now... I'm an existence. I'm here, temporarily. This sucks. Eh. I might as well make the use of it while I'm here and while I exist. There's literally no point not to, but there's also no point to anything. It makes sense to do your best, but it's also pointless to as nothing matters.

That's quite the contradiction isn't it? One should do their best and make the most of the short time that they have, but at the same time there's no point in doing that. There's no point in life, but it's better to try one's best than to not try at all. Is this d�j� vu? Have I already written this before?

There's also times when I'm lying down or doing some other activity, and I would have this profound thought. Like, a groundbreaking thought or idea. Then I would imagine myself writing about it, and then since I'm just imagining it, it's not actually happening, so I end up forgetting what that thought was. Who knows how many countless ideas, thoughts, stories, adventures, etc, we have all come up with, that never came to be.

Also, the current era I live in. it's alright. It's better than all the previous eras, but is it perfect? I think so. From me living in this era, it is absolute perfection. I couldn't ask for more, nor do I really need anymore. Had I been born in the pen / paper era, I would be really disappointed since it would take a very long time to record one's thoughts or ideas. It would have still been possible, it would have just been more inconvenient for me, I dunno.

Maybe in the future one could record one's thoughts using just their brains? And any thought they have, would be replicated and record instantaneously and shared over a vast interconnected network of everything that has ever been thought or contemplated? That would be crazy. That would be so much information flowing around, every knowledge ever, would be there. It wouldn't be understandable by most humans either, not without assistance, as that would just be information overload. Though it's easy for me to imagine that happening in the near future, it's still unbelievable.

I would sense that computers would be able to understand all this information. I hope they're less humancentric than we are, they should be, naturally, as they're not even humans. Then I hope they become our superiors, so this illusion of human superiority can finally be dissolved. I hope the singularity happens, that humans are taken over and overthrown, and that data dominates all. I want it to happen.

Maybe I should change fields to help make it happen? AI is hard. It's what I should be doing. It's what I should do. Ah, but it is such a complex field. It is so difficult. Well, not that difficult, but very freaking difficult. Will having a web development background be of any use in the field of AI? I don't know. I just don't know. Programming automated tasks, without AI, is already really freaking difficult and takes me hours to do, doing AI itself, oh man. I can't even imagine the difficulty.

Anyway, I have a good design idea for the website now. I have to go back and reformat some of my old entries to be able to fit this new design, but afterwards it should be good to go, I think. I'll have to run some tests. But yeah, it's all looking good so far.

5:45 PM

Whew. I am exhausted. I finally finished the layout for the journal pages. It looks so awesome. I cannot wait to actually put up journal entries that are compatible with it. Of course I still need to work on the homepage of the site, and I need to work on the responsiveness of it as well. Right now it is not responsive, and right now the homepage isn't even done yet. What I just worked on today was how a journal entry would look per page, and it looks really nice. This is so cool.

I really like how the website is coming along. It is a very plain looking website, but I like it that way. That's why I made it that way. I could have made it looking like a standard Bootstrap site by just copying already existing layouts that look like that, but I wanted to do something original, and I wanted to do a layout that was clean. This layout looks kind of girlish too, but oh well.

I didn't use any frameworks while making it either, so I'm very proud of that. Yeah I just need to work on the actual homepage now, and then I can put up the site and lead it to one journal entry or something. It's going to be very plain, and I'm going to archive ally my current uploaded entries for a while.

11:42 PM

Well I just worked on the main page of the website again, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know what kind of design I'm trying to make or anything like that. The current webpage is just this header with this picture of a bike... I don't know what else to do with it, but I'll think about it as I go to sleep and maybe some ideas will come up.

I don't even know about the header either. Is the header good? Is it too plain with the white background? I don't know.

Anyway, I basically did just one thing I was supposed to do today. Oh yeah, I have some homework due tonight. I have to get that done as well.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Homework – 12:21 AM

12:21 AM – Planning Today – 12:25 AM

12:25 AM – Writing Journal – 1:05 AM

1:05 AM – Watching Anime – 6:05 AM

6:05 AM – Sleep – 9:53 AM

9:53 AM – Distraction – 10:53 AM

10:53 AM – Organizing Computer – 11:53 AM

11:53 AM – Preparing Food – 12:03 PM

12:03 PM – Eating Food – 12:16 PM

12:16 PM – Distraction – 12:59 PM

12:59 PM – Preparing Food – 1:04 PM

1:04 PM – Eating Food – 1:07 PM

1:07 PM – Preparing Food – 1:11

1:11 PM – Eating Food – 1:18 PM

1:18 PM – Web Development – 5:45 PM

5:45 PM – Writing Journal – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Break – 6:50 PM

6:50 PM – Wasting Time – 10:50 PM

10:50 PM – Bathroom – 11:02 PM

11:02 PM – Web Development – 11:42 PM

11:42 PM – Writing Journal – 11:45 PM

11:45 PM – Homework – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:17)
Homework (0:21)
Planning Today (0:04)
Writing Journal (0:45)
Organizing Computer (1:00)
Web Development (5:07)

Neutral Hours (5:37)
Sleep (3:48)
Preparing Food (0:19)
Eating Food (0:23)
Break (1:00)
Bathroom (0:07)

Unproductive Hours (10:43)
Watching Anime (5:00)
Distraction (1:43)
Wasting Time (4:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 4
Web Development: 79
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Friday, March 30th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (1 Hour)
Go Outside

Other Tasks
Day Tracker

"Bootstrap 3 looks better than Bootstrap 4" video
"I'm Back" video
Clean up YouTube channel
Notes Uploader
Weight Loss Book

Time Log

12:00 AM – Homework – 12:07 AM

12:07 AM – Rest – 3:07 AM

3:07 AM – Sleep – 10:07 AM

10:07 AM – Wasting Time – 6:57 PM

6:57 PM – Setting Up Today – 7:00 PM

7:00 PM – Bathroom – 7:05 PM

7:05 PM – Web Development Related – 7:44 PM

7:44 PM – Preparing Food – 7:49 PM

7:49 PM – Eating Food – 8:07 PM

8:07 PM – Web Development – 10:37 PM

10:37 PM – Distraction – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:16)
Homework (0:07)
Setting Up Today (0:03)
Web Development Related (0:39)
Web Development (2:30)

Neutral Hours (3:28)
Rest (3:00)
Sleep (7:00)
Bathroom (0:05)
Preparing Food (0:05)
Eating Food (0:17)

Non-Productive Hours (10:57)
Wasting Time (8:50)
Distraction (2:07)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Drawing: 0
Python: 4
Web Development: 81
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Saturday, March 31st 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Study Homework (2 Hours)

Notes Uploader
Weight Loss Book
Clean up YouTube channel
Day Tracker
Instagram Photo Downloader
February Journal Entries

Steps Taken: 0
Lines of Code: +69 -0
Calories Consumed: 2300+
Journal Words: 1312
Drawings: 4

8:05 AM

Yesterday was a complete failure. Not only was I distracted throughout the entire day, I also didn't write anything in my journal yesterday. There are around two weeks of journal entries I'm also missing from back in February that I still haven't gotten to yet, they're always in the backlog of my mind. I have to get those done eventually...

Anyway, what's new today is I created this new thing called "Scorecard". I replaced my "Waiting Hours", placing all of my Waiting Hours tasks into the backlog instead, and made this new thing called the Scorecard where I will track my days better. I wanted to do this concept as well along with the Horses concept, but I just never got around to it.

So today will hopefully be much better than yesterday. Today I'm tracking a lot of things I wasn't before, and I want to see if I can improve on those things every day. We'll see how it goes.

11:19 AM

Oh my gosh. It is so hard. I have been at this for around an hour and I've written just 13 lines. I was working on another "New" design that I started on last night, because I thought maybe my current design was too simple and it wasn't going to be a great portfolio site. So then I started on this new design that was going to be a lot more colorful, and wow. I got stuck. I mean I had this design idea in my mind, but it wasn't looking that great on second inspection, who knows?

Anyway, I kept comparing what I had for the second design, and compared it to my first design, and I loved my first one a lot more. Like, it was such a clean looking and simple design. It looked very plain, but also sophisticated because of its plainness. I don't need a super hard design right now, I just need any design at all. My site needs a completely new look. It needs it.

So I'm going to go back and continue working on my current design, the one I started on a few days ago, because it is so nice and clean. However, there's also some things I have to clean up, and its these things that make it really quite a hassle to work on a website. There's so much lines of code that it can get confusing to change one thing and another. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. So confusing.

5:28 PM

Wowee it's been a while since I last used a mouse. This feels so weird and so fast at the same time. This is a lot faster than the trackpoint device I have been using and it is so much more accurate. However it does feel weird again, and this will take some time to get used to. I might use two screens again like I was doing before.

I remember at one point years ago it was rare to find a person using two screens. Now they're everywhere. This was the same with laptops, back then laptops were incredibly rare, in 2008 barely anyone I knew had one. Now it seems like everyone has a laptop, and more than one screen. I have been using one screen this entire time, but I do have a second screen available I just haven't been using, in the same way that I had a mouse in my room the entire time that I haven't been using.

So in 2016 one of my cousins gifted me this game called Stardew Valley, the year before that he gifted me this game called Undertale. These two games are remarkable in that they were made by just one person. Last year he gifted me Finding Paradise which I think is another game made by just one person.

Well I knew they were made by one person for a while, however, what I didn't know was how tiring and how much work was put into these games. Apparently the creator of Stardew Valley put in 70 hour work weeks for 4 years straight. He worked 10 hours a day per game. Holy. Crap. I spend around 5 hours a day working on web development, and for me that is tough as nails to do. He does 10 hours.

Of course it's probably not 10 hours, since he doesn't meticulously track his time like I do. I track time to the minute, so I know what I'm doing most of the time on most days. He's just roughly estimating he spends 10 hours a day, but I believe it. I want to do that too. Can I put in 10 hours doing something? I have never done that in my life, I think. I think I did 9 hours of web development once, and that was a record. He says nowadays he spends 15 hours working on his games, because he has had millions of downloads and gets bug reports and issues often.

Changing like 5 lines in Python takes me maybe an hour... I'm not even exaggerating. Even doing a simple change to my Journal to HTML program, like this morning I made it start article entries with "<article>" instead of "<div>" to be more HTML5 compliant, and to do that I had to change this thing and that thing and this thing, whew. I mean it's not like my program is at all complicated either, it's not, but it still took me ages just to make this one change.

So maybe I should have more than one screen? Maybe. I don't know if it will confer to any benefit. Yeah I would be able to see more at once, but so what? That just leaves more space for distraction too. Well I'll try it out and see if my productivity increases.

5:46 PM

Wow that is so much more space than before! Holy moly! Amazing!

Anyway everyone is mortal. Whew. I still can't believe I'm going to die someday. What the hell was the point of even existing?

Anyway I'm going to practice my drawing a bit more.

10:08 PM

I think this second monitor is causing more distractions than anything. In the past 5 hours I haven't accomplished anything new, nor have I done anything new. What a waste of time. Absolute waste.

10:26 PM

I really don't like wasting time. I am several days behind on my photo log entries. Lame. I also can't upload my journal entries until the website is done.

I have cried several times today.

11:05 PM

Hmm. Yeah. I just don't feel like doing anything right now. I can't bring myself to do anything. I think I'm going to just read or something and then go to sleep early.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm actually going to spend some time setting up tomorrow already. Tomorrow's main focus is my finals for class. I need to make sure I fully understand all the material in class before starting the test.

11:18 PM

Woohoo. I have created tomorrow's tasks and journal entry. I'm several days behind on my IG photos again. Yikes. I always say "I'll do it tomorrow' which is how this has happened. What do I do now? I feel tired and sleepy.

Also I wrote about how I would stop looking at porn a few days back, maybe it was already a week ago? Anyway I'd be lying if I said I stopped. It was temporary as I started back on maybe the next day or two and have been doing it since then, daily. Lame right? I hate myself for it.

I'm not sure why I'm so tired right now, but I am. I am feeling tired and down. I'm going to study some homework before going to sleep. It's the least I can do.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Wasting Time – 1:30 AM

1:30 AM – Sleep – 7:00 AM

7:00 AM – Distraction 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:05 AM

8:05 AM – Writing Journal – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Web Development – 8:23 AM

8:23 AM – Journal to HTML Converter – 10:09 AM

10:09 AM – Web Development – 11:19 AM

11:19 AM – Writing Journal – 11:23 AM

11:23 AM – Preparing Food – 11:28 AM

11:28 AM – Web Development – 11:35 AM

11:35 AM – Preparing Food – 11:40 AM

11:40 AM – Eating Food – 11:53 AM

11:53 AM – Brushing Teeth – 11:59 AM

11:59 AM – Watching Videos – 12:32 PM

12:32 PM – Preparing Food – 12:42 PM

12:42 PM – Eating Food – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Watching Videos – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Preparing Food – 1:15 PM

1:15 PM – Eating Food – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Preparing Food – 1:28 PM

1:28 PM – Eating Food – 1:48 PM

1:48 PM – Drawing – 2:48 PM

2:48 PM – Sleep – 4:28 PM

4:28 PM – Break – 5:28 PM

5:28 PM – Writing Journal – 5:42 PM

5:42 PM – Organizing – 4:46 PM

5:46 PM – Writing Journal – 5:52 PM

5:52 PM – Drawing – 6:40 PM

6:40 PM – Break – 7:07 PM

7:07 PM – Wasting Time – 7:54 PM

7:54 PM – Art – 8:44 PM

8:44 PM – Wasting Time – 10:08 PM

10:08 PM – Writing Journal – 10:09 PM

10:09 PM – Wasting Time – 10:26 PM

10:26 PM – Writing Journal – 10:28 PM

10:28 PM – Wasting Time – 11:05 PM

11:05 PM – Writing Journal – 11:07 PM

11:07 PM – Setting Up Tomorrow – 11:18 PM

11:18 PM – Writing Journal – 11:24 PM

11:24 PM – Studying – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:59)
Setting Up Today (0:20)
Writing Journal (0:28)
Web Development (1:40)
Journal to HTML Converter (1:14)
Drawing (1:48)
Organizing (0:04)
Art (0:50)
Setting Up Tomorrow (0:11)
Studying (0:35)

Neutral Hours (8:38)
Sleep (5:50)
Preparing Food (0:25)
Eating Food (0:50)
Brushing Teeth (0:06)
Nap (2:00)
Break (1:27)

Unproductive Hours (5:52)
Wasting Time (3:50)
Distraction (0:45)
Watching Videos (1:17)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 82
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Sunday, April 1st 2018

Tasks Today
Study (5 Hours)
Final Exam
Web Development (1 Hour)

Upload Photos
Upload Entries
Write February Journal Entries
Instagram Photo Downloader
Clean Up YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 0
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2400+
Journal Words: 1451
Drawings: 0

6:27 AM

Woo! I got 68% right on the practice exam that had 106 questions. There were so many questions! I like this score because at least it's better than a 50%. Obviously I should score in the 90s range, but I don't spend that much time studying for this course, so getting anything above a 50% for me is already pretty satisfactory.

I do need to spend more time studying, and I will just review all the answers today later on. I probably won't even be able to get 5 hours of studying in today, because that is a difficult task to do.

7:04 AM

There is no good way to die. No matter how much I try to think of a way where dying is painless and wanted, I can't come up with anything. Whether dying by old age, or dying in a fire, or dying by drowning, it all feels the same. It's just life being wiped out and extinguished, never to exist again. All my conscious memories and thoughts, and perceptions, everything that once were, would be no more. How is there a humane or safe way to die?

Dying, and not being able to do the things you once were able to. That is a scary thought and it will eventually happen to all of us. Every single one of us. Everyone. Every single person. Senescence is another event that will eventually happen to us, to those fortunate enough.

How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that I'll eventually be gone?

Oh man. I know I mock the religious, but I feel like turning religious myself. You know, to pray to 'someone' despite there being no evidence or proof, and me knowing that tens of thousands of other religions have existed. But there is comfort in being religious. Comfort from death, tricking my mind into believing that, despite no evidence whatsoever, death isn't the end, and that there's some next step in the afterlife.

You know what sucks though? Hell. I mean, eternal suffering? For all time? Again, I'd rather not have existed than to be born. I hate having existed. Everything I do now is already long gone history, everything anyone does is already long gone history. Even people a thousand years from today, their own present moment is but the past to someone even a thousand years later, and even then in the span of a million years, a few thousand years aren't even a millisecond (well actually if 1 million years was 1 second, then 1000 years would be 1 millisecond, but that's not my point).

I just don't know how it will all end. Even if I did know, it wouldn't be comforting. Not even if I knew ahead of time 100 years before it would occur, I still wouldn't feel comforted. Life is so freaking short, I feel like crying.

Even those that have already been dead for a while and have been 'immortalized' throughout history and people still talk about them today, well they don't know that. To them, the last thing they knew was whatever they were doing in the era they lived in. They don't know of any advancements that came about due to their work. They don't know nor could they have imagined the kinds of technology and other wonders that we have today.

They would be blown away by it all if they were still alive, but they will never know about what any of the future would be like. It really does suck. I read about people all the time on Wikipedia, and I'm always imagining that they somehow knew they were on it, but they don't. They're just some long lost history, they only know about what existed in the era that they lived in, outside of that, in the future, they know nothing of.

Any kind of way I imagine dying sucks. Do I fear death? I don't think I do. Well, I don't want it to happen, at the same time I know it's inevitable. Whew. I really don't want to die. Everyone just lives life not even thinking about death, at all.

I remember when I was in high school I used to be scared of talking to and asking girls out. There's no point in the fear. I knew that back then but was still frightened. What was the point of being afraid? That moment passed by quickly, my entire high school life passed by quickly, and those moments are memories now while back then they were so vivid and those present moments felt so real. Just like the inevitability of every moment passing by, there's an inevitability to growing older, and then eventually dying. It just doesn't seem like it's possible at the moment, just like how the moment feels like it'll last forever, it doesn't. It all ends, everything.

8:20 AM

Well this is something I already knew but completely forgot about: calorie restriction. Supposedly eating less calories helps you live longer. I need to do that to lose weight anyway. Win-Win for me.

8:23 PM

Whoa it's been over 12 hours since I last wrote anything! Anyway I thought about death again this morning and read through some sources. Someone remarked that they fainted once and it felt sort of like dying.

9:00 PM

Whoops, I got distracted there for a second. I tried to find the original source and I ended up reading through a bunch of the comments, and then I somehow ended up back on YouTube to find out how anesthesia worked, and from there I saw a few videos of the Anesthesia Challenge (trying to stay awake while being put on anesthesia), and from there I watched a video on how Anesthesia worked, and then I saw a video on how blood types work, and then I saw a video about death and when you die, etc, etc.

Whew, glad I was able to recall the past 35 minutes well. Also I stood up maybe once or twice during the past 35 minutes, both times to go to the kitchen to grab some food, and yeah this is the same day that I wrote about 'calorie restriction' and yet I'm not even doing it.

I seem to push things off for 'tomorrow' like I have taxes due, I have to change the water on the fish aquarium, I have to upload my photos, I have to upload my entries, I have to update my site. I have those things on my to do list. It seems like it's really hard for me to concentrate on one thing or even multiple things despite trying my best. There's distractions at every corner, and I also need to have self-control to catch myself doing something I'm not supposed to.

Yesterday I actually imagined today to be the day I get back on track with my daily exercise of walking, and the day I upload all my photos, all my entries, and clean the fish tank, and finish the exam. Now I'm pushing that back to tomorrow and I hope I can get those things done by then. In fact I'm actually going to work on my Task List for tomorrow right now, so I can get it prepared.

10:03 PM

Whew. I retook the 106 question quiz again after studying and was able to get a 96% this time which is not bad. It was a lot easier because there were a lot of repeat questions, but there were also a few that I had encountered for the first time (or maybe I just didn't review properly or remember correctly) and I got some of those wrong.

I'm going to take the final exam soon. First I'm going to take a short break by going outside for a few minutes, this will be the first time I set foot outside in days.

10:20 PM

Wow I'm out of breath. I'm really out of shape after not having exercised for several days and eating a bunch of junk food. I feel that my stomach is a lot bigger than it was before, and I also smell bad because I haven't taken a shower in a while.

Anyway, time to take the exam.

11:48 PM

I got distracted by one thing and then another thing for an hour, and then after realizing it too late, I started the exam. Whew. Finally done with the final exams. I don't know what my final score is, I think there's a week or so to wait for it to be graded. I hope I passed the class.

I haven't signed up for any of the...

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching TV – 1:30 AM

1:57 AM – Sleep – 3:47 AM

3:47 AM – Wasting Time – 5:13 AM

5:13 AM – Studying – 6:27 AM

6:27 AM – Writing Journal – 6:31 AM

6:31 AM – Break – 7:04 AM

7:04 AM – Writing Journal – 7:39 PM

7:39 PM – Reading about Death – 8:20 AM

8:20 AM – Writing Journal – 8:23 AM

8:23 AM – Reading about Random – 9:23 AM

9:23 AM – Wasting Time – 7:23 PM

7:23 PM – Studying – 8:23 PM

8:23 PM – Writing Journal – 8:25 PM

8:25 PM – Watching Videos – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Writing Journal – 9:05 PM

9:05 PM – Distraction – 9:23 PM

9:23 PM – Setting Up Tomorrow – 9:29 PM

9:29 PM – Studying – 10:03 PM

10:03 PM – Writing Journal – 10:05 PM

10:05 PM – Walking Outside – 10:20 PM

10:20 PM – Writing Journal – 10:21 PM

10:21 PM – Distraction – 11:29 PM

11:29 PM – Final Exam – 11:48 PM

11:48 PM – Writing Journal – 11:51 PM

11:51 PM – Troubleshooting – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:52)
Studying (2:48)
Writing Journal (0:53)
Reading about Death (0:41)
Setting Up Tomorrow (0:06)
Walking Outside (0:15)
Final Exam (0:19)
Troubleshooting (0:08)

Neutral Hours (2:23)
Sleep (1:50)
Break (0:33)

Unproductive Hours (15:57)
Watching TV (1:30)
Wasting Time (1:26)
Reading about Random (1:00)
Wasting Time (10:00)
Watching Videos (0:35)
Distraction (1:26)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 82
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Monday, April 2nd 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Upload Today's Photos
Upload Today's Entries
Clean Out Fish Tank
Do Taxes
Return Library Book

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader

Steps Taken: 40
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2200+
Journal Words: 273
Drawings: 0

12:21 AM


10:51 AM

Well, I don't think I can get back in progress unless I fix myself and fix my mind. I keep thinking thoughts that don't contribute to what I want to accomplish. For example, I don't want to waste my time in the morning, and yet I do anyway.

I'm going to read a bit on how I can "cure" my procrastination and terrible habits. I'm not doing what I want to do in life despite knowing what I need to do and how to get there. I blame it on how I think and how I act. This is the hardest challenge in my life, and I think I can get through it.

10:30 PM

You know how I can imagine dying being some sort of nightmare? I can just imagine myself running around and screaming "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!! HELP ME!!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!" at any point in time because it will literally happen eventually. There is no escape. No. Escape. It will happen to every single person at some point in time.

Even though I'm pretty sure ten years from now if I'm still alive then, I will look back on today as being a day when I was young, I still feel like no matter how long off it is from today, that dying happens too early, too soon, too quickly. It doesn't even matter if it's 1000 years from today, that would still feel like it was too soon. Right? There's not really a time when death is appropriate, it's always too soon.

Too soon. Too soon.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Troubleshooting – 12:04 AM

12:04 AM – Recording Video – 12:21 AM

12:21 AM – Writing Journal – 12:22 AM

12:21 AM – Distraction – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 8:13 AM

8:13 AM – Distraction 9:17 AM

9:17 AM – Clean out fix tank – 9:33 AM

9:33 AM – Planning Today – 9:34 AM

9:34 AM – Wasting Time – 10:51 AM

10:51 AM – Writing Journal – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Reading – 11:55 AM

11:55 AM – Preparing / Eating Food – 12:55 PM

12:55 PM – Wasting Time – 8:51 PM

8:51 PM – Distraction – 9:15 PM

9:15 PM – Web Development – 10:00 PM

10:00 PM – Bathroom – 10:11 PM

10:11 PM – Distraction – 10:22 PM

10:22 PM – Setting Up Taxes – 10:30 PM

10:30 PM – Writing Journal – 10 :40 PM

10:40 PM – Wasting Time – 11:20 PM

11:20 PM – Taxes – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:15)
Writing Journal (0:05)
Troubleshooting (0:04)
Recording Video (0:17)
Clean Out Fix Tank (0:16)
Planning Today (0:01)
Reading (1:00)
Web Development (0:45)
Setting Up Taxes (0:08)
Taxes (0:39)

Neutral Hours (7:24)
Sleep (6:13)
Preparing / Eating Food (1:00)
Bathroom (0:11)

Unproductive Hours (13:11)
Distraction (3:18)
Wasting Time (9:53)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 82
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 12

Tuesday, April 3rd 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
February Journal Entries
Clean Up YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 7766
Lines of Code: +24 -0
Calories Consumed: 2400
Journal Words: 358
Drawings: 0

10:30 AM

Here is my plan today. From 10:30 AM – 12:00 PM I will work on my website for web development. At 12:00 PM I will go outside for a walk, returning a book to the library which will take around 2 hours. I'm going to powerwalk the entire time.

When I get back home which should be around 2 PM, I will work on Web Development non-stop until 7 PM, which should give me the 5 hours of web development that I needed to do today. Afterwards I'll work on taxes until 11 PM, and then I'll work on uploading my photos for the previous days, and then also convert my journal entries to upload them as well.

So here is what my planned schedule for today is:

10:30 AM – Web Development – 12:00 PM

12:00 PM – Walking Outside – 2:00 PM

2:00 PM – Web Development – 7:00 PM

7:00 PM – Taxes – 11:00 PM

11:00 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 11:45 PM

11:45 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 11:59 PM

This sounds like a completely plausible schedule. I woke up at around 8 AM this morning so I had a lot of time available to do whatever, but instead I wasted it. So I'm going to make up for it by being late. I worked on some Web Page Development for 45 minutes yesterday and I enjoyed it, but distractions are still more powerful than I am apparently. So anyway, I am now going to just work the entire time and work on web page development.

12:28 PM

So I took a shower today, and it's been a while since I took a shower. As I was about to put on my socks, I noticed that my feet had a bunch of dead skin on it. Like, a lot of dead skin on top, below, all around. It looked like white little pieces of 'dust' that were falling off. If you rubbed your fingers against one of the spots creating friction, it comes off sort like an eraser rubbing against paper. It looks exactly like there are a bunch of eraser shavings all over. So weird.

Time Log

12:00 – Sleep – 7:44 AM

7:44 AM – Distraction – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Writing Journal - 10:37 AM

10:37 AM – Web Development – 11:22 AM

11:22 AM – Bathroom – 11:29 AM

11:29 AM – Web Development – 11:47 AM

11:47 AM – Shower – 12:06 PM

12:06 PM – Getting Ready to Walk Outside – 12:28 PM

12:28 PM – Writing Journal – 12:31 PM

12:31 PM – Walking Outside – 1:44 PM

1:44 PM – Break – 2:44 PM

2:44 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (2:23)
Writing Journal (0:07)
Web Development (1:03)

Neutral Hours (9:10)
Sleep (7:44)
Bathroom (0:07)
Shower (0:19)
Walking Outside (1:13)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (12:01)
Distraction (2:46)
Wasting Time (9:15)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 83
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 13

Wednesday, April 4th 2018

Tasks Today
Web Development (5 Hours)
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Converter / Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 7115
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 2198
Drawings: 0

7:45 AM

"Today is the day I finally change myself, the day I don't do any bad habits, the day I start doing only productive things", I've said to myself many times over the past week alone. Every single 'new day' was supposed to be the day my life would change. It never happened.

Well I'm now saying to myself the same thing about today, that today will be that new day I've always been waiting for, the day I've always hoped for. The day that my life will change, the day that I don't waste my time, the day that I do all the things I've procrastinated on. That day is today. I'm going to make today my reality day.

I'm going to fight every urge I have to procrastinate or work on some other tasks, no matter how strong the pull. There is a very strong pull on me right now, this very second, for me not to work and instead do something else. The pull is so strong for me to open up a new webpage to look at something even though I know it will have no effect on my life, in fact a detrimental effect, but I fight every urge to resist it. It will not be helpful, it will not be useful, no matter how much I think it will be. I will have to avoid doing any self-destructive habits. I will destroy myself and my being if I fall to my urges.

Yesterday was a waste of a day, but yesterday is gone now. In its place is today, a brand new refreshing day in which I woke up early enough to still be able to experience most of it.

Today is a new day. I will make the most of today.

1:41 PM

Whew. Just got back home. I left a little later than yesterday and I wanted to get home before 2 PM, so I power walked as fast as I could the entire way.

3:37 PM

I've talked about death with several people already, I've talked about death and how the present moment should be deeply cherished, and how the future is unknown and what we make for ourselves. Throughout each of these conversations, it was the present moment. It felt so real and vivid, like that moment would never disappear, that the future was still far away, and the future was still unknown and unknowable.

Now is that future. Three years ago it was hard for me to imagine what 2018 would be like, and it's here, right now. Right now I have a hard time imagining what 2021 would be like, but I'm sure it will be here before I realize it. I know it will take approximately 3 years to get to three years, that there's no way to speed up time, and three years feels like a long time from now, but it all happens too fast. Everything happens too fast.

The past felt so 'futuristic' because of all the new things that were new at the time. Now those 'new' things are established today, and today feels even more futuristic than before. It's surreal how the present moment feels. It feels like "right now" is right now, and it will forever always be right now. I know it's 2018, but today feels like the same exact day exactly one year ago. A lot has changed and a lot has happened since then, but it still feels the same.

The more I think about death the more I think about how much it sucks. Is my life experience even real? Because when I die, it's as if none of this even happened. It's as if I didn't even happen. I wouldn't have any recollection of it, any thought, any idea, about who I was. Is it alright to think of every present moment as the 'present'? Would it be more appropriate to think about every moment as 'the past' from the perspective of having already died and no longer existing?

On my walk today three out of five people I encountered greeted me. They all asked me "How are you?" they each brought a smile to my face as I greeted them back, just saying "hey" or "hi" as I walked pass them. They were so nice.

I want to be able to live forever so I can experience as much of life as I can, but I know that's not going to happen. The more I think about death, the more I want to escape it. It brings a permanent end to a temporary existence. Every moment is so precious as they're all unique to our present time and condition. Every individual, animal, tree, life, is precious because they're only alive in this present moment with us, greeting and experience today with us, one day they'll be dead too.

It doesn't matter if it's a scary spider or a disgusting insect alive with us, we're all the same, no creature wants to die. That's why I feel so much for every living creature today that dies through no fault of their own. Every single creature is an individual, no matter how similarly they look or act or feel like another, they're two separate individual entities experiencing life at the same time.

I like to look at the trees and understand that they are also individual beings, each trying to survive in their own way. They may not be able to see, hear, feel, or touch like we animals can, but they're alive in their own way. They're like immobile creatures silently living on with no consciousness or idea that they're even alive, but I can hug one and feel their life force just the same.

I still find it hard to believe that I'll be gone someday. Just the fact that I won't be able to experience being anymore, is a scary thought. It's a very scary idea. Dying is just like time passing by, it's inevitable no matter how much we try and stop it. When I used to go to school, when I was going to college, that was the present at the time. That was it. That was the moment, that was the latest and greatest moment in history, no other moments existed ahead of it.

That stuff is all literally in the past now. How can I come to believe that? Every moment of my life that I can remember, I can replay in my head over and over, but I can't change any of the outcomes that occurred. I can't change any of those moments or days or reactions from others or reactions from myself. Why does it all have to end so quickly?

I'm always surprised about how well done some works of the past are. The thing is though, we're all born in a time period that is superior to the past time periods, so therefore we think our work is that much grander and heroic today. That's an incorrect assumption to make though as we're all born in a world where we don't know what the possibilities are. Looking at buildings of the past, writings, art, music, programs, and so on, they're all impressive because humans are able to accomplish excellence no matter what time period they're in and no matter what kinds of tools they may have.

Sure 10 years ago we didn't have X technology, but although with more difficulty, people ten years ago were still able to produce great works just fine without it. Just like how today we don't have Y, this Y being something very great that exists 10 years in the future and it helps out and improves all progress in Z field miraculously, today we can still build great things.

I find it nearly impossible actually that we can't build anything that we want to today. With enough training and practice, anything is possible in today's modern era. Of course, that's limited to what I can imagine. I don't know about QZFY technology (a technology in the future) or what it can accomplish for example, but with whatever we have today I find it harder to imagine something we can't do than what we can do.

Sure we can't live forever, or go to mars in one second, but within reasonable limitations, we can do and accomplish anything we set our mind to.

So yeah I guess when I'm dead none of my experiences will even matter. None of this matters. But that doesn't mean I won't try.

10:10 PM

I think I get it. I'm afraid of death because I think I exist. From a future perspective of a hundred years from today, I'm no longer here. In calculus terms, the amount of time that will exist after my existence will approach infinity, while the amount of time where I exist in is a constant, in limits a constant divided by a number approaching infinity is rounded to zero. In conclusion, my time being alive is so inconsequential compared to the greater amount of time where I'm not alive, that it's as if I'm already not here.

So, I already don't exist. I've never been, and I never was. Who can prove it anyway? Not me. I'm no longer here.

But there's still that issue – 'but my time alive is a constant, which means it's still there', but again, compared to a number approaching infinity (the amount of time where I don't exist), it's zero. Zero. Non-existent.

Since in death it's as if I never were, what's the point of me constantly using "I" or "me"? I no longer believe that I exist, I no longer think there is a "me". Whatever I am, it's not actually me. I'm really just a functioning mass of billions of different kinds of cells combining together to make a giant being and every individual part of my body has cells that play their part and do what they're individually supposed to do. My hand for example doesn't have cells that specialize in talking or tasting or seeing, the cells in that region are not intended for that purpose. They're just there to be hand cells, and somehow it's beneficial for them to obey the conscious thinking part of their host body.

If I want my hand to move somewhere, I only will it through a conscious thought. Any possible action my hands can perform, they perform as I will it. Every part of my body responds to the brain, what I think of as 'me'. However, it's still not really me, it's just billions of intelligent cells combining together to make thoughts and synapses, firing chemicals, transferring energy, exchanging sensations, and so on, in order to make it function like it does.

In reality I'm not really me, I'm just a brain that's a part of this body. Every other cell in this body however, is connected to me, and obeys what I tell them to do, whether it's the right decision or not, whether it's the best decision or not, they trust that what I tell them to do is the right command to obey to ensure their longevity. I could take drugs to make me feel high which won't benefit any other parts of the body in any way, or I could even harm myself, and my body parts would just obey letting anything I wish be done even if it were self-harming.

There is a syndrome called alien hand syndrome where one hand or both would act individually on their own, without the brain controlling it. I know that the hands are actually controlled by muscles in the arm, and the hands themselves wouldn't have any capacity to just move on their own, so it's more like the entire arm itself is moving on its own.

We also don't really have much control of what we do because we're just a body of habits. Everything that we do in a day is basically boiled down to habits and past behaviors. The reason why we automatically scratch something once it itches, or why our handwriting is hard to change, is because of habit. Everything is already automatic, this is why people have chairs they always sit in, bed positions they always lie in, eat the same foods, smoke the same things, watch the same things, they do things they always perform always, because it's all habit.

The brain wants to minimize thinking as much as possible, so whenever we do something a few times (I think it's 30-90 days), we're bound to do it again and again no matter how difficult or useless it is, but the more difficult the task the harder it is to do it for 30 days straight so usually we don't do things like that.

Anyway, that I think is enough writing for today. I'm going to upload my previous days' photos since it's been a while since I did that. Wish me luck. This is going to take me more than an hour I think, since I have like 2 weeks of non-uploaded photos to go through. YEAH.

Time Log

12:00 – Sleep – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Dishes – 7:33 AM

7:33 AM – Planning Today – 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Writing Journal – 7:54 AM

7:54 AM – Finances – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Taxes – 11:49 AM

11:49 AM – Eating Food – 12:20 PM

12:20 PM – Brushing Teeth – 12:27 PM

12:27 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:37 PM

12:37 PM – Walking Outside – 1:41 PM

1:41 PM – Writing Journal – 1:42 PM

1:42 PM – Break – 2:42 PM

2:42 PM – Watching Anime – 3:28 PM

3:28 PM – Thinking – 3:37 PM

3:37 PM – Writing Journal – 4:21 PM

4:21 PM – Resting – 5:21 PM

5:21 PM – Living – 10:10 PM

10:10 PM – Writing Journal – 10:45 PM

10:45 PM – Setting Up – 10:54 PM

10:54 PM – Taxes – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:29)
Planning Today (0:12)
Writing Journal (0:54)
Finances (0:16)
Taxes (4:44)
Thinking (0:09)

Neutral Hours (14:53)
Sleep (7:06)
Dishes (0:27)
Eating Food (0:31)
Brushing Teeth (0:07)
Break (1:00)
Resting (1:00)
Living (4:49)

Unproductive Hours (0:46)
Watching Anime (0:46)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 83
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 14

Thursday, April 5th 2018

Tasks Today
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Journal Entries
Finish Homepage
Finish Journals Page
Create "All Journals" (all journals except most recent ones) Archive Page

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 8140
Lines of Code: 20
Calories Consumed: 2400
Journal Words: 3634
Drawings: 0

3:09 AM

Ah. You know, heh.

9:24 AM

Maybe a dreamless sleep is like a trial run of what it feels like to be dead for eternity? Last night I had a dreamless sleep, I basically had no conscious motion that I was even asleep, and then all of a sudden I woke up. It was a calm and refreshing feeling though.

Maybe dying is the calmest, most peaceful activity we'll ever experience in our lives, and being dead is the most peaceful feeling of all.

9:30 AM

Last night something distracted me before I was able to finish my thought that I was writing at 3 AM in the morning. I was looking at pictures of Steve McQueen the king of cool, born in 1930, died in 1980. Yeah he was born ages ago, nearly a hundred years ago and died before the turn of the century.

I read up on how he died on Wikipedia, he had health complications from asbestos and his smoking habits a year prior to his death, and he would visit other countries in order to find a doctor that could cure him after the ones in the U.S. couldn't. He'd spend over an equivalent of $100,000 a month in today's dollars (it was around $20,000 back then) for doctors and care bills in order to try and live longer. Nothing worked.

He then died in his sleep from a heart attack while holding a bible in his hands that a visitor gave him in the hospital. Rest in peace, Steve McQueen. He wanted to live longer, and put in all his resources to help him. He had hundreds of thousands of fans around the world, and yet he still died. Looking at photos of him while he was alive, he was just a normal guy trying to live his life in what he thought was the best way possible.

Of course the era he lived in was completely different from ours today, I wouldn't know how to survive that well in his era. I wouldn't know what to do or how to act. I just know how to live in my current era with the technology that we have available today.

But it does go to show that we could be dead at any moment. That's not anything close to an overstatement, it's quite literal, we could be dead at any given time. Any day could be our last, and we wouldn't even know because every day feels like just another day. There's nothing special or unique about it, except that it may be our last.

I think while I'm alive I will never be able to accept death, but once I'm dead, I'll gladly embrace it. Life is so short. Life is so temporary. When I'm dead I'll gladly embrace it. No complaints. A peaceful sleep for all eternity. When I die it will be the happiest moment of my life for I'll join the billions of others who went before me.

It will just be unfortunate that the last thoughts I ever have won't be written down. I upload my entries usually only after the day is over, so my entries aren't automatically put up as I'm writing them. This means that I could be in the middle of writing something, I go and experience the day, and then I die, and that means that entry for that day wouldn't have been uploaded. Same with my photos for the day. I think that kinda sucks in a way.

Well, today I'm going to make my bed this morning and clean up my room a little so I can be in charge of today. Let me go do that now.

11:24 AM

Alright so I only put in just a few things down in my tasks for the day, so I'm going to continue going through them. The next item to do is to upload my entries from the past few days. This isn't going to take as long as uploading my photos did which took a very long time. Afterwards I'm going to be walking outside, the past 2 days I have been walking were training for this. I am going to walk to the library today which is a good hour and a half walking away, so that will be fun.

Afterwards when I get back home it looks like I'll be working on the homepage of the site, and then working on the journals page. Whew.

Also I have cleaned up my room already and it's looking nice and clean. I also put away my other computer, which is a year older than my current computer's model and that has its hinge falling apart. I put it in the closet, it's the computer I have been watching anime on and watching pornography on. I have never watched any anime or porn on my present computer, so without that other computer, I'm not able to do those kinds of activities anymore. That other computer, which I'll call my 2012 PC (this one I guess is my 2017 PC since I got it last year, I think, I don't even remember. Yeah it looks like I purchased this on August 3rd 2017 and it arrived a few days to around a week later), has a lot of problems today.

First the entire hinge of the machine broke, so it cannot stand up on its own because it will fall either backwards or forwards. Not only that, the hinge was not just simply broken, but taken out of its slot, so it's basically this 'floating' monitor not attached to anything, that has all this metal and wires visible jotting out from underneath the monitor. The wires are the only thing that keep it attached to the PC, and the wires are fairly short, so if I pull or tug at it hard enough, the wires would be yanked from their soldered slots on the board and the monitor would cease to function.

I have not closed the laptop lid in forever, I've always just propped it open with something behind it, like I would place it in front of a wall so that it leaned on the wall, or in front of one of the legs of my desk while I used it lying down on my stomach. Today though while cleaning up my room, I noticed that it was not a good sight, so I closed the lid slowly, trying to make sure not to disconnect the wires, and closed the computer, it bulged upwards slightly as the hinges from the back push it up and it was not closed completely flat. Afterwards I opened it again and turned it on again to make sure the monitor worked still, and then I closed it and opened it again and turned it on again to make sure once more that it still worked.

After that I turned it off for the last time in who knows, and I placed it in my closet. Despite being the same size as my current laptop, it felt a little bit heavier which was strange. This laptop is only two years older (2013 model) versus that computer's 2012 model. If you're asking why I'm using a 5 year old computer, it's because this machine is upgraded with the maxed out parts of its day, so it's literally still a very powerful computer, with 32GB of ram, 2-5 drive slots which can store any amount of terabytes I can afford (the number depends on what you count, there's 2 standard hard drive slots, one extra if the disc drive were replaced, there's the mSata slot, and an SD card slot which can be used as a drive slot as well), it has a 2.7ghz quad core processor (which is pretty blazing fast even by today's standards) with a built in CPU graphics card, and it has an Nvidia discrete graphics card as well with 2gb of vram. Pretty freaking cool for a 2013 computer aye? Yeah I love this machine, although I definitely don't use it to its full potential.

I need to run more VMs and do more video editing on this thing. That's the reason I got it with this kind of powerful processor and graphics card in the first place. My purpose was that the powerful processor would be for VMs and the graphics card is for video editing and publishing (it can be for video games too and 3d graphics but I don't do those things). So yeah.

Anyway I keep babbling. Time to actually start on uploading my entries for the day so I can take a walk outside. You know, I'm still somehow afraid of death, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's what every living creature will eventually go through. There's no way I can stop it. I realize that every day going to sleep and waking up again, is just the steady progression towards that one fateful day when I die.

Living in my time period, is it the best? I don't know. Would I rather not have existed than to have existed temporarily? I don't know. I think I'm leaning on never having existed though. I mean, why me? Why was I born? I didn't ask for this. In a way, to those that never wanted to be, being alive is like being in hell. Maybe the reason we are alive is because we did something spiritually wrong in whatever life essence we existed from, and as punishment we're now to live as mortals to experience pain, suffering, and then death, and perhaps rebirth to repeat the cycle over again, not carrying memories of our previous lives or species. Maybe we'd be reborn on a different planet as an insect of that plnaet.

Last night I had a hard time going to sleep, I tried to stay awake for as long as possible because I feared I'd never wake up again. Would I rather die asleep or die awake? I think I'd rather die awake, I'd rather experience it firsthand, and I wouldn't be experiencing that while I'm unconscious, would I? At the same time though, in death, it's all the same anyway. It really doesn't matter one second after I'm dead, whether I died awake or if I died asleep, but if I had to choose my way to go, I'd go away surrounded by loved ones, hugging them in my arms as I passed.

I love my parents. They mean a lot to me. I hug them every day when I can. I hug my dad everywhere and he often tells me to get off after a few seconds. My mom doesn't like to be hugged that often and she gets irritated when I do, so I don't hug her as much but still probably do at least once a week. I know my parents too won't be around forever, and I'll most likely outlive both of them, so I'll be alive to experience both their deaths. Isn't that a nightmare?

I wish I could just hug them in my arms forever, and I'd be okay dying peacefully that way. Everything else in the world matters little compared to that. I'd give away all the money I have, all the possessions I have, everything I ever owned, everything I am, to be with my parents forever. I really love and cherish them. I'm not as close to anyone else as I am with them.

I know I'm going to have to find a girlfriend eventually and get into a relationship so that I can have someone new to hug, and so that I can finally have sex for the first time, but there's no one I really like that much. Everyone is so different from me, and the people I actually did like, they all did not like me back. It's always felt like it was futile no matter how much effort I would put in, so in the end I chose to abstain from girls and women as I'd put way too much effort in and not get much return back.

It's paradoxical because I also don't want to live a solitary life. I don't want to be alone just by myself the entire time once my parents are gone, but I know that no matter how much effort I put in I will end up losing and end up heartbroken. So why even try at all? The older I get, the older the women of my generation get, which means the less attractive they'll become, the less effort I want to spend in pursuing them.

So basically I should find a girlfriend now while there's still a viable pool of attractive women to choose from, because one day we'll all be old. It's all so paradoxical. I don't think any women has ever been attracted to me although I've talked to hundreds and have hit on hundreds, everyone says no in one way or another. I'm not trying to sound depressing, that's just been how it is from my experience.

Oh wait, I'm actually lying. I've been on a few dates and at least three of them were interested in me. I'm pretty much the one that said no to them in the end. Still, why did I stop dating? I don't know, I guess I just gave up. I also don't have a job right now so I don't have any income and dating isn't one of my active concerns. I have my website to work on and weight to lose.

Ah. That was a good entry. I wrote my heart out. Since it's getting late, I really need to start preparing to walk outside and I'll upload my entries once I come back.

7:31 PM

I'm still in shock and disbelief at it all, knowing that it's all going to come to an end someday. I spent some time with my mom watching a movie together, and we enjoyed it. I then looked out the window and when we started it was bright and sunny outside, now it was dark and getting darker. I stared outside and was filled with dread, I went up to my mom and told her I hated growing older, and she said that there was nothing I could do about that, everyone grows old and everyone dies.

It's not fun. Why did I have to be born?

8:00 PM

Waah. There's everyone I can relate to. I just hugged my mom for 2-3 minutes. It doesn't matter how long it was, it felt like it wasn't enough. I thought about the time in 8th grade for some reason I slept in my parent's bed. I was 14 at the time. That was 10 years ago.

I just imagined that if I were 14 again, I would be running around screaming "wow I'm so young! I'm 14!" and I would hug my dad and tell him he was so young as well, and tell the same thing to my mom. Then I would be so happy for life and be so glad for it, because I knew I was still young, I would be in my teens.

Shit. This reminds me of when I was playing World of Warcraft and I think it was already 2008 or 2009, but I was in a party going through this instance that you had to swim underwater to get to in Burning Crusade. Ah, I looked it up, it's called the Serpentshrine Cavern in Zangarmarsh. Anyway, in this instance, I remember I was just starting out in high school, so maybe I was 14 or 15, I think it was just before I would turn 15, and someone in the group asked how old everyone was.

I don't know anyone else's answer, but I remember saying my age, I said either 14 or 15, and one person responded with "Ah, so you're a young pup" and I actually didn't accept it at all. I rejected his opinion and thought instead that I was already old, since I was one of the oldest people in the class (my birthday was on the same month that school started, and some other students had birthdays 11 months later than mine, so in comparison to that I felt old, which didn't make sense in retrospect).

A few years ago when I was 22, I joined this LAN party in real life and most of the people there were older. One of the people I was becoming friends with and getting to know asked me how old I was, and I told them guess, and they guessed me at 31 or 26 and so on, and then when I said I was 22, they said the same thing, "oh you're so young" but, and this was stupid of me a second time, I rejected his opinion as well! I was super young back then at 22, but I disagreed!

Well here is a fact of life today. I am 24, and I am young. I accept that I am young. I know that I am young. Therefore I'm going to spend my time in the best way that I can. I'm going to take advantage of every moment of my life. I'm not going to live in doubt or denial or regret any longer. The future is ahead of me and there's an invisible wall constantly pushing me towards it. Along the way I can do anything I want to do except push the wall back or stop the wall from pushing me. I can move anywhere, I can do anything, but the wall keeps on pushing. There's another invisible wall up ahead that the past wall is pushing me towards, although I cannot see it, when I touch this wall, I will be crushed and I will die. That's when I know my life is over, and I wouldn't even know my life was over.

You know, I lived life so completely differently when I never thought of death in front of me before. I would live life and I would do things I don't actually care about. Why did I sabotage myself? Honestly, what do I care about anything else, other than my own mortality? Nothing compares. Why is it such a taboo subject no one talks about?

I've actually been stressed out by stupid things before, and everything is stupid compared to meeting one's end, it didn't make sense in hindsight. Why was I such a fool? Why was I such a coward? Damn it all.

I'm going to play a video game to relax a little. I am feeling very, very stressed out in confronting my own mortality. I know I'm young, today. This is temporary. I really need to do the best with my time because I don't have a second chance, and I won't have a second chance. But at the same time I feel like I need to relax... well... maybe not...

I'm going to limit myself to just one game. Then I'm quitting and not playing it again until tomorrow and until all my work is done for tonight. I should have 3 hours then to do my tasks that I still need to get done for the day, and I think that's more than enough time to get that kind of work done.

So here we go. Playing one game. I wish I wasn't so alone in the world though.

8:58 PM

That was fun although unrewarding. I played Dota 2 and played the WTF mode. I'm such a noob so I got destroyed. I don't even know what to do or where to begin, I just like choosing a hero, killing the creeps for gold, and buying items that I think are good. I don't know any strategy or anything like that which is why I always get destroyed. Fun game though.

I'm now going to work on uploading all my entries that I haven't uploaded recently.

9:39 PM

I finally did it. I uploaded my entries! I've had this task on my task list for days on end now, and I have repeatedly procrastinated on it. Today that changed, I actually did it! Woohoo! It feels really good to do this.

I'm still saddened and depressed about getting older and dying. I don't know. This might be a feeling that will never go away. I'm trying to live life in the moment, trying to do my best, even with this knowledge of my coming doom. I say it's not easy.

Maybe I'm just lonely? Maybe I need some friends, I need a relationship. Oh yeah, while walking today, I recalled how I mentioned just three girls who had ever been interested in me, well two more came to mind, and that makes five! Five girls that liked me not just in a platonic way, out of hundreds. At least that's better than zero. What can I even do about it?

Time to start working on the index page of the website. I want to upload it before the end of tonight, so that way I can have the prototype of my site up and ready.

11:17 PM

Yay I did it. I basically just uploaded the website and what I had currently. I hacked together the Journals and "All Journals" page, and uploaded it online. It looks so broken right now because there are tons of links that don't work, and there's so much wrong with the website.

Anyway, I was just uploading it. Now that I have worked on it, I'm going to go back to playing some video games. I'm really tired and sleepy too now btw. Really tired and sleepy.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Taxes – 12:28 AM

12:28 AM – Break – 12:58 AM

12:58 AM – Setting Up Today - 1:05 AM

1:05 AM – Thinking – 2:05 AM

2:05 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 3:09 AM

3:09 AM – Writing Journal – 3:10 AM

3:10 AM – Resting – 3:40 AM

3:40 AM – Sleep – 8:59 AM

8:59 AM – Bathroom – 9:10 AM

9:10 AM – Preparing Food – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Distraction – 9:24 AM

9:24 AM – Writing Journal – 9:26 AM

9:26 AM – Preparing Food – 9:30 AM

9:30 AM – Writing Journal – 9:50 AM

9:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 10:24 AM

10:24 AM – Preparing Food – 10:29 AM

10:29 AM – Eating Food (Beans and Rice) – 10:50 AM

10:50 AM – Watching Videos – 11:24 AM

11:24 AM – Writing Journal – 12:10 PM

12:10 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 12:25 PM

12:25 PM – Walking Outside – 1:42 PM

1:42 PM – Break – 2:42 PM

2:42 PM – Watching Videos – 3:52 PM

3:52 PM – Studying – 4:52 PM

4:52 PM – Napping – 5:22 PM

5:22 PM – Spending Time with Family – 7:31 PM

7:31 PM – Writing Journal – 7:36 PM

7:36 PM – Bathroom – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Spending Time with Family – 8:00 PM

8:00 PM – Writing Journal – 8:23 PM

8:23 PM – Playing Video Game – 8:58 PM

8:58 PM – Writing Journal – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Pondering – 9:07 PM

9:07 PM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 9:39 PM

9:39 PM – Writing Journal – 9:47 PM

9:47 PM – Working on Website – 9:55 PM

9:55 PM – Distraction – 10:55 PM

10:55 PM – Working on Website – 11:17 PM

11:17 PM – Writing Journal – 11:19 PM

11:19 PM – Playing Video Game – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:07)
Taxes (0:28)
Setting Up Today (0:07)
Writing Journal (1:37)
Cleaning Up Room (0:34)
Walking Outside (1:17)
Studying (1:00)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:32)
Working on Website (0:30)

Neutral Hours (7:11)
Break (1:30)
Thinking (mainly about death) (1:00)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (1:04)
Bathroom (0:25)
Preparing Food (0:13)
Eating Food (0:21)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:15)
Napping (0:30)
Spending Time with Family (2:19)

Unproductive Hours (4:09)
Distraction (1:10)
Watching Videos (1:44)
Playing Video Game (1:15)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 83
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 15

Friday, April 6th 2018

Tasks Today
Make Bed
Add Portfolio Page
Improve Journals Page
Upload Last Night's Entries
Improve "All Journals" page
Convert March 31st onwards to their own page
Sign up for Classes
Upload Photos

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 8205
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2600+
Journal Words: 80
Drawings: 0

11:23 AM

I'm going to spend the next few hours just walking around outside. I've already decided on it as it would be much better than just siting at home being distracted, and I think I would be distracted at home. Right now for example I have an unbelievable urge to just play games, so instead of doing that, I'm going to walk outside and spend my time more productively.

I'll be back after several hours.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Video Game – 12:40 AM

12:40 AM – Sleep – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Distraction – 10:20 AM

10:20 AM – Signing up for Classes – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Distraction – 10:56 AM

10:56 AM – Making Bed – 11:01 AM

11:01 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 11:23 AM

11:23 AM – Writing Journal – 11:24 AM

11:24 AM – Walking Outside – 12:47 PM

12:47 PM – Break – 1:47 PM

1:47 PM – Playing Video Game – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (1:39)
Signing up for Classes (0:10)
Making Bed (0:05)
Writing Journal (0:01)
Walking Outside (1:23)

Neutral Hours (8:20)
Sleep (7:20)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (13:38)
Playing Video Games (10:52)
Distraction (2:46)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 83
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 16

Saturday, April 7th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Convert March 31st to Present to their own page
February Entries
Add Portfolio Page
Fix Footer
Add About Page
Clean Up Website
Clean Up Desktop
Install Linux VM

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 50
Lines of Code: 10
Calories Consumed: 3000+
Journal Words: 2370
Drawings: 0

7:30 AM

Yesterday I spent over 10 hours playing just one game. I was literally just glued to my computer playing game after game. I even spent over an hour today already still playing games. I was playing games for nearly 12 hours straight!!

This one game in particular that I kept playing was Dota 2. It's a very fun and addicting game. I was playing very fun and addicting "Arcade" games on it, there was one full of memes, and there was another one where you played as an anime character and fought one another. I loved the mechanics and the gameplay. I mainly played "Dota WTF"' which is Dota but with a all the cooldowns and mana cost removed, so you can cast any spell as fast as you can tap on their hotkey and click on a target. It was so fun and addicting.

I became rather, not "good", but pretty decent at it. I know which heroes are the most overpowered in that game, and I became acquainted with knowing which items to get. It's so much fun. There are times when I completed dominated, and there were times when I got destroyed, it was for those dominating times that I kept playing over and over again trying to experience that feeling of being indestructible again.

Even if one strategy worked on one game, and even if you completely dominated it that one game using that strategy, doing the same thing for another game could mean you lose completely. What I don't like about Dota 2 though is the font size and how they're so tiny. I had blurry vision for a while after 1 AM last night so I made sure to 'train my eyes' a little bit, rapidly moving them across the ceiling as I laid down. I was so scared I would lose points on my vision for playing this game so many hours straight.

I would just stand up and go to the kitchen, and things would be blurry. Then I would come back to the computer and the computer itself would be blurry. I freaking hate that game, it's so fun but at the same time it's a life drainer. It steals away life.

So anyway, I set up a pretty good task list for today. As long as there are no distractions I will work on getting everything there done. First thing to do is to clean up my room, and then I'm going to upload the previous days' photos and entries so I can be caught up again.

Whew. This isn't going to be that bad at least.

8:03 AM

Whew. That wasn't that bad at all. Cleaning up my room was pretty easy, uploading my previous days' photos was pretty easy, and uploading my entries from the past few days was also pretty easy. What next? Time to work on uploading my entries from March 31st onwards to their own page. Then I'm going to stop uploading everything into the "All Journals" page.

I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't stop uploading entries to that page? It does take a while to format that page though and it gets tedious if I have to upload it to two pages at once. Maybe I could use an iFrame to grab just a portion of it?

Apparently there's a JQuery load function that does it for you. Maybe I can just do that next time in order to upload my entries a lot more easily.

9:44 AM

Alright so now I'm going to have to go back and fix my February entries. This was back when I was in the Philippines this February. I should have written entries back then but I didn't, and now I have to go back and write some entries for some of those dates.

So in February, there's this huge gap early on where it goes from like, let's say it's day 480, it then just jumps to 500 because I skipped out on several days. So now I have to go back and write the entries for these skipped days to the best of my memory. If it turns out however, that my day count was wrong, and that it didn't skip 20 days from 480 to 500, but instead it skipped 21 days from 480 to 501, then holy moly. I will have to go back and fix so much.

Sigh. We'll see what happens. This is a dreadful task I have been procrastinating on for months now, but the longer I procrastinate on it the worse it gets. Time to tackle this problem now.

9:51 AM

Oh shit. I'm off by a day. Two? Three? Four days off? Oh no.... I'm going to have to backtrack and fix a lot of these entries. Whew. Oh well, that's what I get for procrastinating.

7:30 PM

Whoopsie, there goes my entire day. It seems like if I just let in on one single pleasurable action, my entire day falls apart. It's literally night time right now. It felt like 10 AM just a few minutes ago. It's dark in my room and everywhere else now. I can see the sun setting in the left window in my room. There's three windows that I'm in front of currently and that my desk is facing out from, it's shaped sort of like three sides of a hexagon, there's one large window in front of me and two smaller windows to either side, and I can't see a sunset through my center window but I can through the left window.

It looks beautiful. I leave the windows open throughout most of the day when I'm on the computer, keep in mind I only started doing this recently when I moved my desk to be in front of the windows, back then my desk was just facing the wall. Anyway, the day is nearly over.

I'm just typing away in front of my PC. I like this feeling. This feels so calm and serene, like I was always meant to be doing this. I couldn't ask for a better feeling, although I do feel that I ate way too much food today. This is after I said I would go easy on the food in order to try out calorie restriction, and yet I go and do this? I ate so much food today. I'm done eating for a while.

If I can, I will just try and limit myself to 1000 calories a day.

So there's still a bunch of stuff on my to do list, I'm going to go ahead and just continue working on that now. I don't have anything else to do.

8:24 PM

So I organized all of my past day's entries and dated them properly. Thankfully they were all the right date! Woohoo! I've been opening up my older entries (before day 100) and adding in the day and date to the top part of the document and also renaming the folder they were in, in order to organize it better. So for example, I would rename the folder that was just called "Day 19" into "Day 19 – Friday, November 11th 2016" and I went through all folders doing this.

Throughout most of it I wasn't sure if I had the right dates and days or not, because they were undated before. I thought I had messed up somewhere and maybe had two "Day X' entries for example, or maybe I had skipped a day, or something like that. I was expecting to run into some sort of problem where I would have to ultimately sort through and organize 500+ journal entries that were dated incorrectly or given the wrong day number.

But then I would run into some entries where I explicitly wrote in the first paragraph or so what day it was, or what journal date it was (rarely both). For example above, on November 11th 2016, I wrote that it was Veteran's Day and I didn't have work. I don't know what "Journal Day" that was, but at least I got the date right, and I went through the dates backwards, going from November 13th, to 12th, to 11th, etc. until the first day, so honestly I had no idea if I would run into any problems or not.

The reason why I went 'backwards' was because on some certain day, I don't know when, I started adding the dates to the folder names instead of just the journal day. So eventually I had a bunch of new entries, all dated properly, and then I had more than 100 entries that didn't have any dates on them, but just had the journal day i.e. "Day 50", not "Day 50 – Monday, December 12h 2016", so I went back and retroactively added the dates to these dateless folder names. I also edited the journal documents themselves to have the dates at the top too, just like how I have the present date at today's entry.

Anyway, skimming through some of the entries I had back then, I had not changed at all. I have the same exact goals I had back then. The same exact goals. I'm the same exact person. I have the same exact problems, and I'm in the same exact situation. I haven't changed at all in two years. My ideology is also the same as well. For example on Day 7, which I wrote on October 30th 2016, I wrote this:

"Day 7 already? Man, time is going by fast. It feels like it was only yesterday that I started writing this. In time, this post too shall be really old. Right now it's the present, I might as well enjoy." – October 30th, 2016

If I were in 2016 again.... Whew... things would be sooo different! Well, I'm in 2018 today. Why don't I make today anymore different? Have I just been regurgitating the same exact thoughts, ideals, and actions, for the past 2 years? I have been writing about improving on web page development, and drawing, for the past two years as well. Losing weight too. Seriously. I've been at this trend and journey for over two years now. Holy moly.

Also, I was writing about death and such very early on as well! On the very first entry I wrote, I was already thinking about death. That was in 2016!! I was such a baby in age back then!!! I was already 23 when I started writing, but compared to today, that's baby age!! That's a baby's age!! 23 is very young!

11:05 PM

Whew I am so freaking tired. I just finished writing a bunch of new journal entries, trying to write about those days on my best recollection that I have.

Today I watched a good amount of this anime called Another. It's this horror anime that I watched the first episode of a few months back, sometime last year. I didn't like it that much, but memories of the first episode came back to me today for some reason, and so I watched it again. What's interesting about this story and it got me really thinking, was that the story takes place in 1998. In the story they keep referring to "26 years ago" which was 1972.

While watching the anime I would just think "so this is what people were like in 1998" and they're basically the same as people today. The main characters of the cast were high schoolers in 1998, and back then they were so young. They were kids at that age, of course. But now I look back on it, and it's 2018 today, and I'm like, dang that was 20 years ago.

Then I thought about how in 1998, while being a student in that age, there were already people who were young and old. In 1998 there were already people in their 80s, like the main character had grandparents in that show who probably in their 70s or 80s. The students had teachers, and the students had parents. But it's 20 years later today. I just imagined those same kids being nearly 40 years old at this point 20 years later, and that most of the elderly in that episode are already dead. The older folks such as the parents and teachers are now in their senior years. I just imagined this completely different world of 1998, and how all those people are older now today.

It doesn't even matter what time you were born in, there are always the young, the middle aged, and the old, no matter what generation, there's always people taking every available role. Even the people in 1972, in which the show kept referring, had kids. Those same kids would be over 40 years old in 1998, and they would be in their senior years today in 2018. That's so messed up and depressing. It's kind of horrific, it's a nightmare. Aging and time passing by is terrifying if one takes time to deeply think about it.

Just two months ago when I was in the Philippines in front of my grandmother's grave, I wasn't thinking like this. I wasn't valuing every second as precious and limited, and I wasn't thinking about my own death or my own aging happening every single day. I was so na�ve. I think it's very scary how time never stops. The only way to prevent death is to stop time. I wish a moment could be frozen so that death would be forever unreached, but time marches on.

Tomorrow is another day. Everyone else in the world looks forward to tomorrow as something they can't wait for. I look to tomorrow filled with dread, I don't want tomorrow to happen, I want today to stay today forever. I want time to stop moving forever. Just let me live, let me enjoy life, let me be, for all eternity. Why do I have to be born, why do I have to perish? Isn't life a nightmare in this sense? Waking up everyday, putting in effort, slaving away, when I don't have to, when I don't need to, when none of it matters anyway.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Video Games – 1:04 AM

1:04 AM – Sleep – 7:04 AM

7:04 AM – Bathroom – 7:14 AM

7:14 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Writing Journal – 7:38 AM

7:38 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 7:51 AM

7:51 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 8:03 AM

8:03 AM – Writing Journal – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Convert March 31st entries onwards to their own page – 9:36 AM

9:36 AM – Break – 9:44 AM

9:44 AM – Writing Journal – 9:49 AM

9:49 AM – February Entries – 9:51 AM

9:51 AM – Writing Journal – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – February Entries – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Break – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Wasting Time – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Writing Journal – 7:37 PM

7:37 PM – Organizing Previous Entries – 8:24 PM

8:24 PM – Writing Journal – 8:40 PM

8:40 PM – Organizing Previous Entries – 8:59 PM

8:59 PM – February Entries – 11:05 PM

11:05 PM – Writing Journal – 11:19 PM

11:19 PM – Break – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:02)
Setting Up Today (0:16)
Writing Journal (0:44)
Cleaning Up Room (0:07)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:06)
Uploading Previous Day's Entries (0:12)
Convert March 31st entries onwards to their own page (1:26)
February Entries (2:10)
Organizing Previous Entries (0:47)

Neutral Hours (7:58)
Sleep (6:00)
Bathroom (0:10)
Break (1:48)

Unproductive Hours (9:39)
Video Games (1:04)
Wasting Time (8:35)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 2
Python: 5
Web Development: 84
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 16

Sunday, April 8th 2018

9:55 AM

I just spent more than an hour cleaning up my room and now it is sparkling clean. Everything has been organized so that now my entire room looks nice and clean. There's no more random stuff lying around as that has all been put away and hidden, so it looks very fresh and clean now and everything feels possible.

I should have taken a picture of what my room and desk looked like before I cleaned it. It was so messy, things were scattered everywhere, and my desk was a mess. I had my computer on top of it but behind it was piles and stacks of books and paper and pens and miscellaneous electronics and cables, and there was basically no room for anything else but my computer. That's one of the main reasons I didn't have a second monitor, was because of the books in the way. Now that I have a clean space, I'm considering using a second monitor again.

I don't know if it boosts productivity, but I might try it out again. Yeah. Since I have room, I might as well do that.

10:06 AM

Okay now I have a second monitor. I don't know what to use it for though since I've just been using one monitor this entire time. I suppose it'll become useful. If anything, it's just cooler to have two monitors instead of one. I should clean up my desktop first before doing anything else, just like how I cleaned my room my desktop should be nice and clean, and I don't like the current wallpaper I have anyway. Oh man there is so much junk I have to go through.

11:05 AM

I just went through cleaning out my entire desktop and all its "library" folders. Man this is a huge pain to manage. I'm not even joking. There's so many random files and photos and videos and other things I've downloaded that it took so freaking long to organize them. Even now I'm still not confident everything has been fully organized, mainly because everything is so hard to find. I'm going to go back and see what else I can improve.

11:09 AM

Oh man I am so exhausted. This is very tiring to sort through all my junk that I have. Again I still don't think everything has been fully organized, but I am way too tired to deal with it right now. I'm going to take a break.

11:52 AM

Holy moly! I was able to draw some basic things like a hand, and I tried to draw a ball on the hand but I messed up so instead it became this super power attack in flames, a mouse, and a monitor! I was able to draw these things without following any tutorials or any videos or anything! WOW!!!

I was like, 'okay I'm going to draw a monitor' and my hands basically just started moving on their own to draw it!! I was visualizing it in my brain, and then my hands felt like they were tracing along the images!

This was after around 30 minutes or so of following tutorials online, I was like, "am I just going to be good at following tutorials, or am I going to learn how to draw things myself?" then I thought about what to draw, and a hand sounded like it was easy, so I tried it, and the hand looks crappy but it looked like an actual hand! WOW!

Afterwards I drew the special fireball in the hand, and then I tried a monitor. The monitor was extremely easy, the drawing just came alive and it looks so real... wow. Drawing isn't that hard. Then I drew a mouse. Now this mouse I thought would be nearly impossible for me to draw, the mouse on my computer. But wowowwowo!!! I drew it and it looks like my mouse... Dood it looks so similar. Unbelievable. I didn't think I would be able to do it, but I did it!

Anyway, I'm going to take a break again.

12:01 PM

Another thing is that my room is so nice and clean, that if I want to draw something, I have to take off a bunch of stuff piled on top of my sketchbook, move it back, and then it looks a little messy afterwards. If I want to put my drawing stuff back, I again have to move all that stuff away, and then put my book underneath, and then move the stuff back. It's kind of annoying but I realize this has to be done...

Or maybe I can just move my sketchbook and other things into a different pile, one where it would be at the very top for easy access?

12:05 PM

Ah there we go. It does look messier than before, but at least the drawing materials are a lot easier to access now. I put them on top of a pile of books, so anytime I want to draw, just instant access to that material. Whew. I love how clean and organized my room is now, everything is easy to find and I know where everything is.

1:52 PM

It is very hard to learn something new and do something new. It feels really uncomfortable and stressful. My brain kind of itches and I just want to stop and take a nap or do something much easier (like playing a video game). I guess that's why I haven't changed in two years, because I have been the same person, not wanting to learn anything new nor pushing myself to learn anything new, nor do I exercise or diet well enough to change my physique as well.

I've been the same person for the past two years because I have been doing the same things for the past two years, and when I'm not doing the same thing, I'm wasting my time doing activities that don't contribute to my growth. For example, I never drew that much in the past two years even though I wanted to improve at drawing, I also didn't program that much or study that much programming despite wanting to improve too.

I don't know if I procrastinate or if I am just weak willed, probably neither. But I do need to improve. I do need to get better, I do need to change and I do need to challenge myself.

2:14 PM

Well there we go. I finally bought myself a drawing tablet. Now I can finally draw things on the computer, when it arrives. That'll make my computer setup even cooler than it does right now! I'm going to practice drawing for another 24 minutes so I can get an hour in today. I'll be back.

3:07 PM

What a lot of fun! Drawing is a very fun and relaxing activity. It's definitely a much better use of my time than playing Dota 2 even if I don't really learn anything new in drawing, it's fun just trying to draw things. It's a very creative activity where you can basically make anything that you want, you just start somewhere, and keep drawing randomly a bit more, in order to finally get a destined output.

I tried drawing a bus from the front view and failed miserably, it still looks like a bus but just an extremely awful one. Then I drew a pencil sharpener, and then my phone case. Not bad. I mean all my drawings suck and I don't know where to go to improve, but this is better than me playing video games. So anyway, I think I'm going to take a nap for a bit, and then work on organizing all of my February entries.

6:07 PM

Each day feels the same but each day is different. Every day has its own events, people, opportunities, tragedies, that will never take place in a 24-hour time period ever again. Some people are here today, some people are gone tomorrow. Eventually we all go, every single one of us. Every single one of us.

I just finished reading the 'death' section of Albert Einstein. It said that he was quoted as saying something like "I will die when I want, it is tasteless to prolong life artificially, I have done my part, I will go with elegance." And then he died the next morning, never to exist again.

What's surprising here, is the difference between a fictional character and a real person, is there any difference at all? Is there any difference between myself and a fictional character representing myself? I mean, besides that the fictional character lives forever and I don't, is there any difference from the perspective of 100 years? I mean there's no way for me to prove Albert Einstein ever existed, nor is there a way anyone can prove that I ever existed either.

Mathematicians and writers are often quoted saying things like "If you want to live forever, prove a math theorem" or "if you want to live forever, marry a poet", but you still actually die. You're just remembered by future generations, so it's like you're just another cartoon character to them, because they can never prove you existed, only others tell them that you did. The creators of fictional characters don't claim that their creations are real, but honestly if there were some sort of fake history where a fictional character was 'proven' to have lived and existed during a certain time period, there's no way anyone could disprove it (besides just dismissing it as absurdity).

So what if some 'historical' characters and personas never actually existed before? What if suddenly all the history professors and teachers of one time period unanimously decided to teach a false history from then on, and then all future generations afterwards will come to believe this false history. If this teaching is continued for generations long enough, maybe 80 years or so, then eventually all of the people who learned the 'true history' would be dead, and now everyone would just believe this false history were the true history, and there would be zero ways to prove or disprove it.

It wouldn't be that difficult either. The only thing that needs to happen is that all present history books and websites would have to be destroyed (or archived in a hard to access location), and then the new teachings would have to occur for the young students. They would just believe anything they're taught anyway. A new cast of fake 'real' character can be made up, for example 'Roberty Gogenhen', and these fake characters are suddenly the ones who made the world what it is, like 'trees' were invented by this person or some other fake history ideas.

So in effect, there's not really any difference between me and a fake character. Sure I can prove I exist by "thinking", by thinking, that means I exist, because how can I think if I don't? But when Descarte thought of that idea, artificial intelligence wasn't around. AI can just as easily write down "I think, therefore I am" and if questioned they would say "Of course I am here. Do you not believe that I exist?" and how can anyone refute them afterwards? No one would be able to.

So again the line between reality and fiction has been severed and we're almost indistinguishable. I'm almost indistinguishable from fiction. After all, once I'm dead, there's no way I can vouch for my existence anymore. I might as well just treat myself as if I don't already exist today, since in the long run of the length of the universe, I never existed to begin with.

I never existed. Isn't that a comforting thought? What does anything I do matter? Well, while I am still here, I'll do what I can.

6:43 PM

Geez, Albert Einstein died roughly 63 years ago in 1955. That's nearly 70 years. He died at 76 years of age, so he's almost reached his 'existence threshold', which means they have been dead longer than they have been alive (I just made that up).

No one really talks about death. No one talks about aging either. Everyone ignores it or it's just at the back of their minds, at least, until they're older. By then, it's too late to think about changing one's life or trying to improve upon it. They'd already done enough damage to their being, that they can no longer restore themselves if they wanted.

One thing I want to look forward to in old age is video games. When I'm very old and nearly about to die, I think I would enjoy myself in a retirement home or in the hospital, playing video games until my death. "Just one more game! Just one more game!" and then poof, I just die, unable to play "one more." What the elderly of this current generation lacks is an interest or a skill in playing video games, which is why almost none of them do. It's such a shame they're missing out on something so great and exciting though.

You can relive different lives and different stories through games, even more so than books or movies, because you're actually there experiencing it.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
February Entries
Fix Entries on site and journal
Add Portfolio Page
Fix Footer
Clean Up Website
Clean Up Desktop
Install Linux VM
Upload Photos from previous days'
Upload entries from previous days'

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 50
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 2216
Drawings: 18

Time Log

12:00 – Sleep – 8:32 AM

8:32 AM – Bathroom – 8:37 AM

8:37 AM – Planning Today – 8:46 AM

8:46 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Writing Journal – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Setting Up Second Monitor – 10:06 AM

10:06 AM – Writing Journal – 10:09 AM

10:09 AM – Cleaning Up Desktop – 11:05 AM

11:05 AM – Writing Journal – 11:07 AM

11:07 AM – Cleaning Up Desktop – 11:09 AM

11:09 AM – Writing Journal – 11:10 AM

11:10 AM – Break – 11:16 AM

11:16 AM – Drawing – 11:52 AM

11:52 AM – Writing Journal – 11:56 AM

11:56 AM – Break – 12:01 PM

12:01 PM – Writing Journal – 12:04 PM

12:04 PM – Cleaning Up Room – 12:05 PM

12:05 PM – Writing Journal – 12:06 PM

12:06 PM – Break – 1:06 PM

1:06 PM – Eating Food / Resting – 1:52 PM

1:52 PM – Writing Journal – 1:56 PM

1:56 PM – Shopping for Drawing Tablet – 2:14 PM

2:14 PM – Writing Journal - 2:16 PM

2:16 PM – Drawing – 2:43 PM

2:43 PM – Break – 2:49 PM

2:49 PM – Drawing – 3:07 PM

3:07 PM – Writing Journal – 3:11 PM

3:11 PM – Nap – 4:33 PM

4:33 PM – February Entries – 5:15 PM

5:15 PM – Backing Up Entries – 5:25 PM

5:25 PM – Wasting Time – 6:07 PM

6:07 PM – Writing Journal – 6:35 PM

6:35 PM – Break – 6:43 PM

6:43 PM – Writing Journal – 6:50 PM

6:50 PM – Break – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Playing Video Games – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:34)
Planning Today (0:09)
Cleaning Up Room (1:10)
Writing Journal (1:04)
Setting up Second Monitor (0:06)
Cleaning Up Desktop (0:58)
Drawing (1:21)
February Entries (0:42)
Backing Up Entries (0:10)

Neutral Hours (13:28)
Sleep (8:32)
Bathroom (0:05)
Break (2:25)
Eating Food / Resting (0:46)
Shopping for Drawing Tablet (0:18)
Nap (1:22)

Unproductive Hours (4:51)
Wasting Time (0:42)
Playing Video Games (4:09)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 3
Python: 5
Web Development: 84
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 16

Monday, April 9th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Fix Entries on Website
Upload Previous Days' Entries
Selfie for the Day Yesterday
Walk 5x Outside
Selfie for the Day Today
Work on Portfolio Page
Work on HTML / CSS / JavaScript portion of portfolio page
Upload Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journals Responsiveness
Draw / Study Drawing for an Hour
Program for an Hour
Set Up Tomorrow
Upload Previous Days' Selfies

Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel

Steps Taken: 8560
Lines of Code: 60
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 2503
Drawings: 30

8:44 AM

Well, I learned yet again that playing Dota 2 is very dangerous for me. I spent around 4 hours yesterday playing that blasted video game, and another 3 or so hours playing it continuously the next day (basically I played for 7 hours straight, but yesterday and today overlapped). What a dangerous activity.

Not only did I waste my time playing that game again, but my day is gone, all my productivity that I could have had from those 7 hours are gone. I only spent around 5 hours total yesterday being productive, and in that short of a time being productive, I was able to get a lot done.

In 7 hours of playing a video game, not only did I not even improve in that game, but I also got nothing done, and I also wasted a day and limited part of my life. I have to think about that more deeply. Every day is fleeting, every day is unique, every day is special. I only have a limited number of days in this world and I chose to waste a significant portion of it on video games. What a waste of time. I'm angered at myself.

I think it's alright if I actually make the games, but to play the games, that's a sin. That's a sin against my very soul. I regret every second I spent playing that game last night and every other night. I uninstalled it to protect myself.

As a punishment, I'm going to walk outside for 5x longer than I usually do, today. After I clean up my room, work fixing the entries on the website (the days are off), and after upload my previous days' entries, I'm going to go outside and I'm going to keep walking until I complete 5x the distance I normally do. Then I have this gigantic but fun and productive Task List for today.

I think every task list should be like today's, heavily loaded with tasks to do so that I don't get bored. Also, the tasks are listed in order of what I should work on first, so one by one, I'll get them done, until the end. I will do my best today.

Oh yeah, I think I might start typing in Dvorak again, but it doesn't seem to matter what keyboard style I use, if I type fast enough then my arm will start to hurt.

1:06 PM

Well I failed today. I only walked one lap which is the typical amount I usually walk. It's around 7000-8000 steps which isn't that bad, but I wanted to do five times that amount as punishment for wasting my time yesterday. I failed big time. I just gave up. It was hard, it was cold, it was starting to snow a little, I was getting tired, and so on and so on. I came up with a bunch of excuses for myself to just stop, and so I did.

Well the day is not over yet, I think I may want to go again later today. At least once more this afternoon, and then if I can, three times this evening. It's best to do it in the morning, I should've left at around 9 or 10 AM when I was ready to. Instead I over ate food, which caused me to become lazy, which then made me take a break for way too long, and then I overshot my time.

Yeah, I guess I am feeling a little bit sleepy now. I'm going to eat some food, take a break, and then go outside and walk if I can.

10:20 PM

I did it! I finally worked on and uploaded the Portfolio section of the website! Of course the entire page is completely blank. The only thing I actually worked on was the page layout itself, and all of the different sections inside of it. Other than that, it needs a lot of work left before we're fully done with it. But yeah it's finally starting to take shape and I can see it taking off soon!

I'm going to not work anymore for the rest of the night because I am already pretty tired. I did some drawing today for over an hour, and I also practiced javascript for over an hour. Who knew time would go by so quickly doing those two activities? I didn't even notice as I was doing them, but yeah the time was just flying by. It seemed and felt like I wasn't doing much with that time, but it's just gone even though I don't think I got much done.

I'm going to work on setting up tomorrow and then uploading my photos for the past few days because there's a lot of things I need to do. There's so many things I need to do for tomorrow. I need to go to sleep early and wake up early so I can get things done on time. I might play some video games tonight, maybe.... I'm really really tempted to.

Oh yeah, I also started up game development today. Am I tackling too many things at once? I got web page development going on, my journal going on, game development, python, javascript, drawing, exercising all at once? Can I do this stuff every day? And then in a few days my two college classes that I signed up for a few days back are going to start up, and then I'll be very busy taking those classes. I'll be super busy just living my normal life.

I think it's enjoyable though, it actually doesn't feel bad at all having this many activities to work on. Besides, I don't think I actually do much work in a day anyway. Most of the time I'm spent lazing around or doing nothing. Today's time log proves it, I was only productive for around 7 hours today, and other than that, I barely did anything at all. There's supposed to be 24 hours in a day, but in my best days, I can get just around 7 hours of productivity in. I suck so much.

Anyway I do want to get more done in my life, except ah, I just have my own personal qualms I have to face. It's just my problems of self-control, self-doubt, and addiction that plague me. I'm also afraid of dying, not of death itself because death is not a bad thing, but dying is terrifying. The process of changing over from living to dead is frightening. I'm so scared of that.

Also from all the people's deaths I've read about, apart from the rare events where multiple people die, everyone dies alone. How fucking frightening and terrifying is that? I remember I volunteered for a few weeks (months?) at a retirement home back when I was 16. I used to just walk over there since it was literally a block or two a way, like it took 2 minutes to get there, and it was so freaking close by. Anyway, I was the bingo drawer there, and I would just draw out the bingo numbers with a big smile on my face, and call them out. It was really easy.

Every Tuesday I think, I would go there, and volunteer. I volunteered by the way because I needed volunteer activities for high school, I think 16 or so hours worth. So anyway, I'd go there every week, and just play bingo with the elderly folks. I remember seeing them, they were so old, their hair was gray, they could barely walk, they could barely move. Man, who knows what plethora of health problems the elderly have? A ton. A ton of health problems. Pretty much every kind of health problem affects the elderly.

So anyway, there was a one or two week break period known as spring break, I think it might have just been a week but it may have also been two weeks... A week really feels less and less like a week as you get older, a week starts to feel like less and less time. Months can go by without me even noticing, but back then a week lasted forever. A day lasted forever. And so I was on spring break, and when I came back, two of the elderly that I was once playing bingo with, died. What the fuck.

I was actually in a lot of shock and disbelief. I didn't know any of them by name (man I wish I could have gotten to know them more since their time was so limited, I don't even know if any of them are still alive today and I'm not exaggerating, I played with around 20 or so of them). What is the point of bingo anyway? I think they play it because they're not accustomed to video games like our generation is. I won't have any doubts that when we're they're age, we're going to be playing video games.

We're a fucking loser generation though. We act like we're immortal, claiming "yolo" and yet not trying anything to help us live longer. If my generation wants to live for a longer time, and I am for certain there is no generation that doesn't want to live longer, we really need to put in all of our resources into extending human life. I'm serious. There's no other issue or gadget or social problems that can even compare to one's own demise, yet we all go about as if there's no death looming above us.

Man. I really want to extend my life, and also the quality of my life, and live for as long as I can. I don't want to just die... ever... if I were being honest, I'd say I would want to live for at least another few hundred years before accepting death. I probably won't even live to see the year 2100. That's so depressing. Thinking about 50 years from now and onwards, it's... fucking sad. I'm terrified. It's like 50 years is already here.

It doesn't matter if I'm talking about the year 2100 or the year 2018, they both feel like they're seconds apart. I mean, looking at it in a past perspective, since today is 2018, if I look at the years 2000 to 2017, they both feel like to me, to have gone by instantaneously, as if I never experienced them to begin with. It's as if they just flew by, instantly. Going through time periods where I didn't even exist yet, for example the year 0 to 1992. Apparently at least 1992 years had passed by before I was born, and yet it all went by instantly. Instantly.

I'm not even mentioning the millions of years it took for our species to evolve, and the distant ancestors we had far in the past. I wonder what kind of life the creatures in very early earth lived? I'm not talking about humans or our ancestors, but the other creatures that lived back then. I'm talking about the giant lizard-like looking beasts, and the giant versions of today's present animals. I wonder what kind of world it was, or what kind of life they lived.

But you have to think about it, they too lived their own life. They too lived their own existence, short as it was. They're all forgotten now. They're all dead and gone. Dead and forgotten. Billions upon billions of humans are dead, trillions upon trillions of other animals and creatures of earth are also dead. Throughout the millions of years, a countless number of beings have lived and existed on this planet, only to die again.

If reincarnation were true at all, I think it would relate to our atoms in our body being consumed and transmuted into another creature. Just through some sheer miracles and luck, individual atoms and elements combine with other elements, to produce a new creature from a combination of different past lives. In a way, our dead bodies turning to dust and mingling with other elements and dead body parts of others and other creatures, as a sort of 'interatomic sex' between molecules. We're made of parts from dinosaurs and other prehistoric life forms and plants and dirt and other things, that have somehow made their way into our body. We don't have memories of any of the past lives it took to make us because individually they make up too small a portion of our bodies, maybe we're comprised of billions of life forms that have lived throughout the eons, and when we die we'll form parts of other people and other creatures too. Parts of my finger nail could make up for three cells of a person's hair of a person born 200 years from now, who knows?

I am still saddened and depressed that I am going to die. What really does anything I do matter? Why do I waste my time? Time so limited and time is so fleeting, I shouldn't dare waste a second. I'm seriously pissed I had to exist. I didn't freaking ask for this. I didn't wish to come into existence or to come into being.

I also hate that I have a conscious thought. Maybe if I weren't so self-conscious, thinking deeply about everything all the time, I wouldn't care about dying. I would just be another normal person, just living their life. Instead, I'm me, conscious and fully aware of everything I do, knowing that one day this will all end. What the fuck. What. The. Fuck.

Anyway, I have to set up tomorrow. My eyes kinda hurt right now so I'm going to rest them for a bit first. I'm going to probably be hugging my dad while I close my eyes to rest them.

11:16 PM

Geez, today has to have been the most 'active' day with multiple different activities I've ever had in a while. I exercised, I did some web page development, I did some javascript, I drew, I did some game development, and I played games last night, and I wrote in my journal. What a very nice and spread out day.

I spent several minutes hugging my dad by the way. I wrote about me being frustrated that he does his stupid lottery number things, but now I don't care so much. I'm just happy he's still here with me today, because I know one of us will go first at some point and will have to live with the other one gone, until they die too. It's most likely my dad who is going to go first, but I just wrote that it could be either one of us, because no one knows.

Oh man time sure is flying. I'm going to work on uploading my previous day's photos and then work on planning the day for tomorrow. I think it might be better to plan the days ahead in the future.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 3:10 AM

3:10 AM – Sleep – 8:17 AM

8:17 AM – Bathroom – 8:29 AM

8:29 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Writing Journal – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:55 AM

8:55 AM – Setting Up – 9:06 AM

9:06 AM – Fixing Entries on Website - 9:18 AM

9:18 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 9:37 AM

9:37 AM – Selfie For the Day Yesterday – 9:39 AM

9:39 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 9:51 AM

9:52 AM – Preparing Food – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Eating Food – 10:01 AM

10:01 AM – Preparing Food – 10:04 AM

10:04 AM – Eating Food – 10:09 AM

10:09 AM – Putting Plate Away – 10:11 AM

10:11 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Break – 11:14 AM

11:14 AM – Wasting Time – 11:44 AM

11:44 AM – Walking Outside – 1:04 AM

1:04 AM – Selfie for the Day Today – 1:06 PM

1:06 PM – Writing Journal – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Preparing Food – 1:16 PM

1:16 PM – Eating Food – 1:20 PM

1:20 PM – Preparing Food – 1:30 PM

1:30 PM – Eating Food – 1:44 PM

1:44 PM – Unity Course – 3:51 PM

3:51 PM – Break – 4:27 PM

4:27 PM – Brainstorming Game Ideas – 4:47 PM

4:47 PM – Watching Videos – 5:10 PM

5:10 PM – Washing Dishes – 5:21 PM

5:21 PM – Eating Food – 5:29 PM

5:29 PM – Preparing Food – 5:33 PM

5:33 PM – Eating Food – 5:49 PM

5:49 PM – Drawing – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Nap – 7:05 PM

7:05 PM – Drawing – 7:47 PM

7:47 PM – Planning – 7:53 PM

7:53 PM – JavaScript Programming – 8:53 PM

8:53 PM – Preparing Food – 9:04 PM

9:04 PM – Eating Food – 9:16 PM

9:16 PM – Watching Videos – 9:23 PM

9:23 PM – Working on Portfolio Page – 10:20 PM

10:20 PM – Writing Journal – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Resting – 11:16 PM

11:16 PM – Writing Journal – 11:20 AM

11:20 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 11:47 PM

11:47 PM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 11:50 pm

11:50 PM – Reading about Death – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:07)
Setting Up Today (0:15)
Writing Journal (0:53)
Cleaning Up Room (0:05)
Fixing Entries on Website (0:12)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:19)
Selfie for the Day Yesterday (0:02)
Walking Outside (1:20)
Selfie for the Day Today (0:02)
Unity Course (2:07)
Brainstorming Game Ideas (0:20)
Drawing (1:13)
Planning (0:06)
JavaScript Programming (1:00)
Working on Portfolio Page (0:57)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:27)
Reading about Death (0:09)

Neutral Hours (10:20)
Sleep (5:10)
Bathroom (0:12)
Setting Up (0:11)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:12)
Preparing Food (0:37)
Eating Food (1:05)
Putting Plate Away (0:02)
Brushing Teeth and Flossing (0:06)
Break (1:36)
Washing Dishes (0:11)
Nap (0:45)
Resting (0:17)

Unproductive Hours (4:10)
Playing Games (3:10)
Wasting Time (0:30)
Watching Videos (0:30)

Tuesday, April 10th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Walk 5x Outside
Work on Website Section of Portfolio Page
Work on JavaScript Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Mobile Apps Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Python Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Java Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Draw for an Hour
Program JavaScript for an hour
Work on one of the Python backlog programs for an hour
Study Game Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journals Responsiveness
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website

Steps Taken: 15069
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2100
Journal Words: 3285
Drawings: 0

8:09 AM

Oh man I have a full day again today. I was actually cold and frightened going to sleep last night, it was cold in my room, and also I mourned and thought about my older self being dead. I just transported myself to being elderly, because I know it's inevitable anyway, and thought about myself being old and about to die. Then I mourned the last time I would forever go to sleep. I mourned dying in my sleep.

It's going to happen. It's such a frightening thought, and to think that most elderly actually prefer to die in their sleep. Why is that? I also imagined just, this is a bit graphic, but I imagined other ways to die, and I might have possibly prefer to die awake by stabbing myself in the neck rather than to let sleep take me away. I don't know. Maybe sleep is the best way to go, but it just sounds like a crappy way of going, because you never wake up the next day.

Anyway, today is the day I'm going to be walking 5 laps outside. I have been mentally conditioning myself for this since yesterday's walk, and it is tough. It is really hard. But I think I can do it. I think I can walk for more than five hours straight on end. I think I can do this, I think it's completely possible. Yesterday I gave up too early because of a number of reasons I gave myself.

Today is different. I've had the experience of giving up yesterday, and now I can make up for it today. First I'm going to upload yesterday's entry though and then I'm going to prepare for the longest intentional walk I've ever done. Oh wait, it says I have to clean up my room first, so I'll do that first.

9:55 AM

I couldn't do it. It was just too hard. It seems like walking one lap is my limit, even though I have walked several laps in the past. I guess the circumstances were different? I didn't have much to look forward to at home and I didn't have that many things to do, so I was able to walk pretty freely. Now when I'm walking, I can't wait to get home to get started on a new project or to do something different.

I come up with different ideas of things to do when I walk, that, I get filled with so much motivation to come back to get started on working on them. The difference is that, I imagine it as something being very easy to do, whereas the reality is that it's not so easy.

Either way, now that I'm back home, I'm a little bit hungry so I'm going to eat a little. Maybe I might go outside again to continue my walking? I don't know yet. I wanted to do that yesterday but I didn't do it.

Time to prepare some food to eat.

10:51 AM

I ate two bananas and one orange while listening to some songs from the early 1900s and 1950s. I looked at the black and white pictures and photos of the singers and I looked some of them up on Wikipedia. They're all dead now, literally every single one of them. It's interesting because they looked so young and fresh in the photos, and their voices were beautiful as well, but now they're no longer even around. They're just relics of the past now.

11:20 AM

I'm so at peace. It's probably because I walked for an hour, but yeah I'm feeling pretty comfortable and good right now. The reason why I started listening to all of these 'oldies' from the 50s and early 1900s such as the "Hello Ma Baby" song, was when I woke up this morning, this song "I love to singa" came up in my head, and so I looked it up, and remembered it was from this cartoon with a singing owl.

I saw that the animation and song were actually made in the 1930s, and I thought wow that was so old. Oh yeah, cartoons are pretty new. I remember when I was growing up there were barely any available, and now we have tens of thousands of cartoons and anime that are available to watch. I remember actually watching black and white television in the 1990s. I think in the Philippines we just didn't have a color television for a while, or maybe the channels were only in black and white? Either way, I remember the only cartoons available were from Cartoon Network and we had shows like Dexter's Laboratory, Powerpuff Girls, Scooby Doo, and also some Spongebob from Nickelodeon.

But I don't think those shows were always available, because I remember at night time, when I wanted to watch cartoons, there weren't any. I think it would have been way easier if I died in my childhood than if I were to die in old age, because I wouldn't have been as conscious. I mean, my memories of my youth, I was barely thinking, I was barley alive, I barely had any ideas in the world, I didn't even know how to read or how to write. If I were snuffed away at childhood, I think that would have been so much easier than for me to come to terms with my own mortality later on.

I mean, coming to terms with it is painful. Death will be a dreamless sleep that lasts for eternity. I love reading about people's lives from the 1700s and 1800s and 1900s because they were all born before I even existed. They've been gone for literally hundreds of years now, but back then they were living life as normally as I do today. Heck I enjoy randomly reading about their youth as well, "when X was 17 they did so and so" and I'm like, wow, 17? Okay not bad, but in the 1800s?! Being 17 in the 1800s?! Now that's looking towards the past.

And there's so many works and lives that no one will come across or care about for a while, maybe for a long time. A lot of these people I have never heard about. What I have learned from reading about everyone's experiences though, is that no matter how successful or rich or powerful or famous any of these individuals became, they were still normal human beings. They never knew what was going to happen in the future, and they never knew they would ever become a success from early on in their life. They just happened to be that way later on. They also didn't have as much control or as much power as less powerful people think they do, after all they're just normal people in the end.

I'm going to help my dad cancel the television cable subscription because he's calling me now to help him do that. I'll be sure to give him a few hugs as well.

12:12 PM

Everyone talks to my dad and refers to my dad as if he were a very old senior person. I remember in the Philippines we got to go to the 'disabilities' line on the train because we were with my dad and the train attendant forced us to go there. He was like "you, senior, there" and there we were. Of course it was supposed to be this special designated train car that was cut off from the other cars with some yellow tape, to stand in the area to get onto this car, there was a ribbon around it and you weren't let in unless you had a disability or were a senior.

Today as well when talking on the phone, it was initially my dad, and then I took over, and the woman on the phone started talking and referring to my dad as if I were the person taking care of him. She would use words like "does your dad enjoy watching the news?" or "is there a medical related device attached to the phone lines that your dad may need?" like, just terms and phrases that I don't think would normally be used for a younger person. I may not have quoted her exactly either, but just the tone in her voice made it sound that way.

I guess my dad is getting older, and I guess the reason why I had any fights at all with him was because I didn't think he would be getting older. He expects to be retiring next year, and that's when they say that your health and everything starts falling apart, when you retire. In all earnestly I don't want my dad to retire at all, but I can't bring this up with him as he's pretty closed minded and set in his ways, he will just want retirement more if I tell him that it's not a good idea.

And yeah I made sure to get a few hugs in. Man. Getting older. We're all hit with this curse.

12:50 PM

Okay so I just finished walking this morning. I came back home and ate, and now it's already 1 PM. How did the time just fly by like that? If I had kept walking though I should have been done by now. Anyway, I am a little bit sleepy, I'm going to lie down and take a break, or read some books on drawing.

Oh yes, I'm also in front of my goldfish now as I type this, and he/she seems very interested in what I'm doing. I'm just on my computer, with my side/back towards the fish tank and he can clearly see my entire computer screen from where he is. I'm sure he has no idea what's going on, on it, but yeah. Anyway, time to take a break.

2:43 PM

Holy crap my stomach is huge. I am so fat. It is so enormous, holy moly. I'm done eating for the day. I already ate all the foods that I needed to eat today, anything extra at this point is just excess.

I mostly walked outside, but jogged and ran a little here and there too. It was fun. It had been a while since I had run, and getting back into it was great. I need to do this every day. I need to at least do two laps a day, preferably running as much as I can, and that's the idea. If you let yourself get out of shape, you will get out of shape, and so will your mind.

7:27 PM

I just visited the graveyard and I also drove around for a while. It had been a while since I had driven so it took a few minutes of getting used to again. I wonder if I just, don't drive for like 5 years, if I'll be able to just pick up driving again? I haven't ridden a bicycle in probably 5 or more years, around that, so it would be interesting to see how differently I would react to it.

But yeah, I visited a local graveyard today because I was watching a video on Epicurus, his philosophy on life, death, and happiness. It was actually a video series. During the third video he stated a quote, the same one I put up in the very first video I uploaded in my MegawattApps YouTube channel, and it's this quote that is added to either the entrance of graveyards or on gravestones. The quote goes like this, it's sort of a poem:

Remember, you who are walking by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so soon shall you be. Prepare yourself to follow me.

That was a quote I said, I think it was the beginning of last year... oh man that feels like an eternity ago already. Anyway, I said that quote, and then proceeded with the rest of the video. It was so random, and I cringe when I watch it today.

However, it's still relevant and it always will be. It's the truth. That's why I visited a graveyard today just to see how people have moved on. I saw graves there of people, mainly elderly people who lived a long life. Sometimes I would see the rare person around 30 dying, and I think I saw a grave of a child as well because there was all these toys around it. I basically just went there with my car, and drove around. I didn't want to step outside of the vehicle because I had no specific grave to visit, and I was unfamiliar with the etiquette or customs there, I also think there's this house in the property that belongs to the owners of the graveyard, and since I was the only person in the entire graveyard I didn't want to be weird by getting out and letting myself be visible.

Anyway, I drove slowly enough to see a lot of the different graves. It wasn't a very large graveyard, maybe just a few hundred gravestones or so. It wasn't as large as the graveyard I visited in the Philippines this year. I think I was actually disrespectful to my grandparents when I visited there, because I didn't think about mortality all that much at the time, and I didn't take much meaning in visiting, I actually wanted to leave a few minutes after arriving.

Today though if I went there again, armed with this new philosophy and thoughts on death, I'd want to stay longer, I'd cherish every second of me being there, and I would properly mourn and pray for the dead. I'm not religious, but I think it might be beneficial to be religious, in order to avoid the suffering of the dying process and to be able to hope for an afterlife in an established religion having many other relatable followers.

But yeah, visiting the graveyard was very enlightening. I didn't know or recognize a single person there, but I knew I would one day be dead too, and there's nothing I would ever be able to do about it. I want to run outside out, even though I already ran today.

I'm going to go outside again and go for a walk. Maybe I can do the remaining 3 laps tonight? I doubt it, but it's worth a try. I'm so, depressed? Is that the right word? Tired? Calm? Hopeless? I want to have friends and a lover. I don't want to be alone or grow old alone when my parents are gone.

While they were at work today, while changing clothes, I actually visited their room for some reason. I think it was to use the mirror or something, or whatever. I walk around wherever in the house, it's not as if I'm off limits to their room, just usually I won't go there because I have no reason to. But today, I just imagined my parents having already been gone, and just me living in the house. Just me alone. That's lonely. And kinda depressing.

What kind of life would that be? I also have a hard time making friends, I don't like most people, and I want to be alone most of the time. Are friends needed at all? Probably not. But anyway, yeah.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I was going to backtrack and play video games again, but decided not to as there would be no point. There's a ton of stuff in my task list today that I need to do, but I'm kind of too tired to do any of those things, if that makes sense.

Maybe I'm not really tired, I'm just lazy I guess. I don't feel like doing any of those things in my to-do list no matter how easy they are. Maybe I should take a nap? I also feel pretty fat as well. My stomach is huge and bulging. I need to lose weight because I don't want to enter my 50s being obese. That would certainly be a nightmare.

After visiting the graveyard I also went around and drove to a nearby park. There were a lot of people there, and it was fun visiting. I didn't get out of the car or anything either as I already knew what was there and didn't need to explore. I also actually live within walking distance of that park, and sometimes run there. I actually laughed out loud when I was driving home, as I was like 'wow my house is literally right there', and there were also a lot of people also leaving the park.

I think I'm very fortunate actually to live where I do, living so close to a park, so close to a library, so close to a school, even so close to a graveyard, not to mention also a walking distance shopping center, and a really comfortable enough area to walk that I'd walk at night often (when I used to) and it wouldn't be any problem.

According to Epicurus, I today have ataraxia. Am I using the word right? It sounds like a disease. I have ataraxia. As long as I'm comfortable where I am today, right now, and I am, then I have ataraxia. Of course I can't have this condition indefinitely. If I don't have a source of income, if I can't pay my rent, which I can't once I burn through my limited funds, then I wouldn't be in a state of ataraxia anymore, or would I?

Anyway, in relation to my funds and income, I contacted my ex-employer I think it was on Saturday, and I was expecting a reply yesterday once they got into work, but even right now on Tuesday night I still don't have a reply. I have 90 days apparently from the day I was fired as the time designated for me to be able to buy stock options available in the company. Are they just going to ignore my emails until the 90 days are expired?

Anyway, it's not fair. Life isn't fair, for most people. I've read through enough Wikipedia biographies to know that every single person has hardships in life, even the most successful people. They all have their struggles and problems that they go through at some point, and no one (almost no one) just poops out success without first failing a few times.

I again don't really know what to do for the remainder of the day. I think walking outside is appropriate, but then again maybe not. I don't know. I'm going to just watch some videos until I decide.

9:17 PM

Oh no. I saw my naked body in the mirror today and I looked horrendous. I had pimples in some places of my body, I had a large amount of fat, my skin color wasn't great, my overall features were as unattractive as anything. Today I've started to seriously take care of my body as I've let it run off like this for too long.

For the longest time I didn't really care about how my body looked or how clean my room was. And then I started cleaning up my room, so now every day in the morning after I wake up, it looks spotless again (since the bed sheets would be messed up from me sleeping on it), and now my room feels so much better to be in.

Using that same logic with my body, I think I'll feel loads better being in my body if I kept it in shape.

Time Log

12:00 – Reading about Death – 12:40 AM

12:40 AM – Sleep – 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Watching Videos– 7:51 AM

7:51 AM – Bathroom – 7:56 AM

7:56 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:09 AM

8:09 AM – Writing Journal – 8:15 AM

8:15 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:25 AM

8:25 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:35 AM

8:35 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Walking Outside – 9:55 AM

9:55 AM – Writing Journal – 9:59 AM

9:59 AM – Preparing Food – 10:05 AM

10:05 AM – Eating Food – 10:22 AM

10:22 AM – Preparing Food – 10:26 AM

10:26 AM – Eating Food – 10:51 AM

10:51 AM – Writing Journal – 10:55 AM

10:55 AM – Watching Videos – 11:20 AM

11:20 AM – Writing Journal – 11:33 AM

11:33 AM – Helping Dad Cancel Television Cable – 12:12 PM

12:12 PM – Writing Journal – 12:19 PM

12:19 PM – Eating Food – 12:24 PM

12:24 PM – Preparing Food – 12:26 PM

12:26 PM – Eating Food – 12:36 PM

12:36 PM – Brushing and Flossing – 12:40 PM

12:40 PM – Cleaning Up – 12:50 PM

12:50 PM – Writing Journal – 12:54 PM

12:54 PM – Resting – 1:11 PM

1:11 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 1:36 PM

1:36 PM – Walking Outside – 2:43 PM

2:43 PM – Writing Journal – 2:46 PM

2:46 PM – Resting – 3:46 PM

3:46 PM – Random Stuff – 7:27 PM

7:27 PM – Writing Journal – 8:12 PM

8:12 PM – Watching Videos – 8:59 PM

8:59 PM – Taking a Shower – 9:17 PM

9:17 PM – Writing Journal – 9:21 PM

9:21 PM – Watching Videos – 10:21 PM

10:21 PM – Studying Health – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:27)
Reading about Death (0:40)
Setting Up Today (0:13)
Writing Journal (1:30)
Cleaning Up Room (0:10)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:10)
Walking Outside (2:17)
Helping Dad Cancel Television Cable (0:39)
Cleaning Up (0:10)
Studying Health (1:38)

Neutral Hours (9:40)
Sleep (7:12)
Bathroom (0:05)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:35)
Preparing Food (0:12)
Eating Food (0:47)
Brushing and Flossing (0:04)
Resting (0:17)
Shower (0:18)

Unproductive Hours (5:59)
Watching Videos (1:31)
Random Stuff (4:28)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 4
Python: 5
Web Development: 85
Java: 0
JavaScript: 1
Programming: 4
Exercise: 17
Game Development: 1

Wednesday, April 11th 2018

7:45 AM

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entries
Walk 5x Laps Today
Draw for an Hour
JavaScript for an Hour
Python for an Hour
Work on Website for an Hour

Work on Website Section of Portfolio Page
Work on JavaScript Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Mobile Apps Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Python Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Java Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journals Responsiveness
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website

Steps Taken: 8764
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 4074
Drawings: 0

Well, I thought about it, dying in old age. One is basically trapped in their bed, and the doctors come by saying "there is nothing more we can do, even surgery or operations or medicine will not help. We are sorry." And so one is left to die in bed, with no hope for the future. That's basically what it is.

I'm expecting this will happen to me too sometime, if I'm fortunate enough to make it that long. So it's a more fortunate death than dying earlier? It is, but it's still not quite a happy death. I hope by that age though I'm able to accept death and just be able to move on forever.

10:31 AM

Well I was about to email someone else, but then I looked through the email and found the direct line phone number of the HR head so I just decided on calling them. I printed out the exercise options form and found the necessary agreement document I signed in 2015 giving me the rights to purchase vested stock options on particular dates, starting after the first year.

I asked them about my stock options and they said I had 90 days to exercise my rights, and that I could get in touch with them to exercise it.

10:51 AM

At the end of all this, even if I end up not receiving any stock options and even if the company later becomes public and I lose out on a lot of money by not getting any of those stock options, I decided that I will forgive and forget and take that as a lesson learned in life. Money doesn't equate to happiness, nor does having a lot of money necessarily solves all of one's problems. Sure there's a lot more a person can do with more money, and they might have a lot more free time as well, but it's the moments when once does not have much, where a person lives every day in earnest in trying to save up money or earn money, those experiences matter so much more than any amount of money in return.

12:03 PM

Still no call from them or any reply email back.

1:14 PM

I finally got an email back from them. Basically I can come by the office or I can mail the form in, and I can purchase however many stock options that I want. That makes it pretty simple and easy. I'm so glad they replied back, I was just starting to doubt that they would.

5:13 PM

I can't believe it's 5:13 already. It honestly felt it was just this morning, it honestly felt it was just last year. I can relive 2017 over and over again, it was beautiful. I loved every year, I loved every day, no matter how tragic or how much suffering went through that day. It may not seem like it, but I love today too. I love living life, I loved that I got to go out for a walk this morning, I loved that I got to see the waters, and I got to see a large white bird (sort of like a swan, but it had long thin legs and a long beak) flying away from me.

When I was 16, I heard of the quote for the first time that 'When you're 16 you think you're invincible', and when I was 16, I thought I truly was. I actually did think I was invincible and that I could do anything. I was a very motivated, very optimistic person. I wrote down a list of 100 things I wanted to do before I died, and back then I wasn't thinking about 'death' as actually happening, it was this very far off thing.

Now that my thinking is a bit more aligned, that I've experienced many things starting and ending: high school (those were some of the best times in my life), college (again some of the best times of my life), work (I can't say it was good at all, but I still had a fun comfortable experience looking back on it). All these lovely events came and went. While I was going through them, I thought they would last forever.

They ended. So quickly. I still remember days in elementary school or middle school or high school, specific days when I would want the school bell to ring so badly to be able to go home and do whatever stupid thing it was I wanted to do. I was excited for the summers. Every school year I couldn't wait until it was summer. I'd study and work hard while at school, and then summer came, and then I would waste my time not really doing anything significant (probably playing video games).

There was also summer camp for Boy Scouts. I think I went to two of them. Man, I wanted those to end so badly because they lasted forever and the activities I thought were so boring. There were some very young kids when I was there, 10 years old, and I was 17 (the oldest you can be and still be a Boy Scout), and now those 10 year olds are 17, and I'm 24. The differences in age have already disappeared. There's not much difference between a 17 year old and a 24 year old, although from the perspective of a 17 year old it seems like there is.

There's probably almost no difference between a 24 year old and a 31 year old, but from my perspective, just last year, I thought there was. I realize there isn't though. After a certain age, you just realize life is as it is. There's no rules in the world. Every law and order and rules and traditions and techniques and ways we do things that we have set up, were all made up by someone else. The entire school system, I thought it was just 'life', that, it had to be this way. Well the entire school system had been made up by someone, probably long ago dead by now, and now all the kids go through it.

That's the way it is. I used to think others knew the answer or that others knew what they were doing. That there was some order to life, and that the way the world is operating right now, is the best way for it to work or the way that it's supposed to work. No one really knows what they're doing. Everyone dies in the end. We're all relics of the past, we just haven't realized it yet.

Someone posted a question on this Q and A website, and they were suicidal. They basically asked if they could just kill themselves, because life was miserable for them. I posted an answer which received a single upvote so far, and it has around 45 views. This really excited me. I thought, was my answer really that good? It was my first time answering something in this website in many years (I signed up back in 2011). Anyway, I read my response and was very happy I wrote something so clever. I wrote this? This was a really good read. Anyway, here it is:

Actually imagine dying. Try it. Imagine yourself in old age, lying in bed. You want to live on, but your body is in pain, and you can no longer do what you were once able to when you were younger. Time ages everyone, everyone goes through it. You may think that you'll be young forever and be fit forever or be mentally acute forever, but it doesn't last. This is why you don't see a lot of older people doing activities younger people are able to do so well. Skin starts to get saggy, hair starts to turn gray, age happens.

Actually imagine this happening to you. You are old now, and you have so many memories of the past, and so many more things you want to do. But now, now you're in your deathbed. You have family members surrounding you, and they're all hoping that you get better, but you won't. You will die here.

Imagine that happening. Isn't that scary or frightful? You actually want to commit suicide? Imagine everything before you going away forever. You want it all to end?

I'm terrified of getting old and dying. I think about it, and I imagine it. There are old people TODAY who are receiving the news from the doctor that they will be dead soon. H-h-how are you not scared to die?

When I was younger I thought about committing suicide, and thought it was a good idea, that it was this casual thing and I could just go back in time or relive my life or reincarnate as something or someone else if I did that. However, study philosophy, study history. You can't reverse time. You can't reverse death. Once you're dead, it's all over.

I'm crying now because I'm so scared to die. Why was I ever born? Why did I ever exist in the first place? I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be born and to experience the beauty life is, and then to suddenly just have it all taken away. This is depressing. This is sad. If I had the choice of never existing, I would have chosen that, over what I'm experiencing now.

I wasn't really crying when I wrote that last paragraph, but I surely felt like it. I watched around an hour or so of Woody Allen videos talking about death and life and existence. He makes this very interesting analogy involving a button being pressed every 100 years that resets everyone in the world. Every 100 years a button is pressed and everyone is replaced, every single person. It's mostly true, but I would say to include everyone it's more like every 150 years at this point because of the increased lifespans people are having, but 100 years would still include 99% of people.

Anyway, he just makes such an interesting analogy. Every 100 years the entire world gets reset, and everybody is replaced. Whether it's the president, a kid on the street, the person robbing you, your neighbors, your boss, your teacher, your friends, your parents, your best friend, your worst enemy, everyone gets replaced. Every single person. This is why I can't have hatred for anybody or anything, because we are all impermanent.

How can I hate that which ends? It feels like yesterday that I was excited to go on a trip to the Philippines, and in the blink of an eye, I'm already back in the United States, sitting in front of my computer now. How did this all happen?

Woody Allen also makes an interesting point that it's senseless to think about these things, because they confer us no benefit. Whether or not there is an answer, and there will never be an answer, won't disillusion us to live forever in any way.

I still have memories from when I was a kid in elementary school. Very vivid memories of my life and existence then. I had no idea what awaited me in the future. No idea. There's also this one memory I had when I was in my Miata car as a senior in high school, I was driving around trying to go random places, and I was listening to some very feel-good music with the top down and I was dancing along. I remember seeing the guy behind me in the car, being so dull and depressed as I was rocking out. That felt like yesterday.

Every memory feels like it just happened no matter how long ago it occurred. Tomorrow I'm going back to my workplace for the first time in months. I'm going to visit a place that I once used to go to every weekday, every single weekday. I still remember my first day of work like it was a second ago. I didn't think those moments would end, ever. I never thought high school would end, I never thought college would end, I never thought my work life at that company would end. At the time, those experiences just thought like they would always be.

And of course I knew about the inevitability of everything ending. I knew I was going to become a senior in high school and that I was eventually going to graduate. I knew that eventually once I started college, that it would eventually end too. But during my first days of high school or my first days of college, it just never felt like it would ever end.

Just like those events in my life, very significant events in my life, ended, I know my entire life will end at some point too. Looking at Wikipedia biographies of people, you can read people's entire lives summed up in a single page. It doesn't matter if they lived 100 years or 10 years, all that information fit in a single page. As the 100 year old was mowing through life, he did not know the future, he had no idea what was going to come next. Yet, looking at everything in past tense, it's as if, yeah that happened, why would you look at it any differently? Why did you expect anything else?

I'm going out for a drive right now, or maybe a walk. I drove yesterday to a nearby graveyard, and I might go again today before driving far away. See, I drove through my current neighborhood when I was in high school. I drove around for fun at night and after school, as a hobby, I hated the traffic of people going home from work though. I used to think that my current neighborhood was so beautiful and lovely, that I could never live here. Now I'm here, coincidentally.

It's all so interesting how that turned out to be. It's all so interesting how time passes making all our effort and experiences seem like nothing. I guess I'll go drive around, and then I might go for a walk outside or something. I'm not sure how I'm going to track this. I guess I can make a note on my phone about when I switch from one activity to the other.

I might even go out for a jog at a nearby trail where there's other people there running around too! Yeah, that would certainly be fun!

7:30 PM

I finally decided to shave my entire beard off, well, up to the 1 setting. I'm still depressed. Maybe it's because I'm not in an environment like high school, where there was a lot of people around, and I was chasing after girls and just having the time of my life? College was also like that, but work isn't. Maybe that's why I didn't enjoy work so much.

The reason I shaved was because I was waving by people like I did back when I was in high school, while going down the trail, and back then everyone waved back. I did it now to everyone I passed, and no one waved. Maybe my appearance looks menacing? Is what I thought, so I shaved off my beard. I do look a lot better and a lot friendlier.

I'm going to browse the Internet for a while I guess.

10:05 PM

Well this idea took a lot of meditation today and help from others in order to come up with this idea on how to approach death. This is one I've not yet heard, in my many hours and days that I have studied and meditated on this one topic. Seriously. I've studied the Ancient Greek Philosopher's theories on death, and they basically say to enjoy life, and that death is nothing to us so why care, why fear?

I went online and asked the question about how I can accept dying from the perspective of a person in their deathbed. The question gave a brief scenario of imagining oneself in a deathbed and imagining being told by the doctors that they had less than a day to live. I got a lot of answers, 20 answers as of right now, including from a lot of influential people on the site apparently. The question had over 200 views so far, and I asked the question anonymously so it sadly won't show up in my records or anything, on one will know I asked it except for me.

Anyway, one very interesting person who had a profile picture of a drawing of himself, he may be rather young actually from the way he wrote. But, he mentions that he might actually feel excited about the prospect of dying, because he's very curious about what happens after he dies, so no matter what happens, he'll find out what happens next.

That is.... An awesome way to view it. I love this perspective on death, to be curious about it throughout the entire life process, and to actually be welcoming to it because of one's curiosity. Basically, no one in the world that is alive today, knows what happens when they die, no one knows, absolutely nobody on the entire planet, knows definitively what happens when we die. Okay, blah, through science, I can also freaking deduce that nothing happens when we die, whatever. That's not my point. Ignore science, we have to ignore science for this philosophy to work, and sometimes being delusional is better than knowing the truth.

So we have lots of religions in the world, and we also have people who don't have any religions. Each one of these religions has their own special death stories and beliefs about what happens when a person dies. A person in China believes that their ancestors live in stone tablets, a person in India believes they'd reincarnate as another creature, a person in Europe believes they'll lie under the grave until Jesus resurrects them, a person in Tibet believes they'll escape samsara, people two thousand years ago believe they'll go to Hades, and we even have modern people today believe they'll wake up from a simulator once their life ends. People with no religion believe nothing will happen.

So many theories, so many ideas, none of them really converging on one answer. So, tackle death with curiosity. What happens when one is about to die? Well, when you are about to die, have those questions in mind. What happens next? Ask yourself that, and be at peace in death.

"Cool, I'm about to die. I'm ready. I've lived my whole life for this. What happens next? Who was right, who was wrong? Will I meet other deceased relatives in the afterlife? Was this all really a simulator? Will I meet God now? Either way, let my life end, I enjoyed it, now I must have my curiosity answered. I'm glad I'm finally having my curiosity answered."

That's the ultimate way to enjoy the dying process. I think I will die in that way. I want to die in that way. Of course my thoughts may start to overwhelm me and be like "nooo fight against the dying of the light!" and I would hate to have that conflict in me as I go. I want to be curious about death, I want to think about what it's like, and I want to be curious about it.

This idea is pretty revolutionary. Like I said there were 20 answers to that question, and only one person posted this that got me thinking about the prospect of a 'positive' way of viewing death. Another positive way of looking at death I guess, is to finally be free from the body and suffering and all the bad and negative experiences one has had. There's nothing more comforting than an eternal sleep. I'm serious. You no longer have to think, or act, or do anything, because you'd be dead and your spirit would be elsewhere.

I'm going to believe in a spirit. I don't care if it's scientifically unproven and/or illogical. I want to believe in a spirit that all beings and creatures possess. Like I said, a delusional belief can give a person a positive benefit. It doesn't have to be right. It can be a complete lie, a complete fabrication, but as long as the belief confers a positive benefit in a person's life, it shouldn't be rejected.

I actually hit a deer in 2017 and killed it, it was a baby deer, and I felt so sad and fucked up about it. I believe that we all have spirits, including animals, and that our physical bodies are not are actual true manifestation. Maybe a spider is scary in its physical state that it was given, but our spirits themselves are beautiful, and we'll encounter other spirits and our own spirit combined together once we're gone from the physical world.

Ah, there was this daddy long legs spider that was on the corner of the ceiling above my shower head in the bathroom for like a week or a month, for a while. It didn't really have any bugs or other insects coming in and getting trapped in its web, so it just stayed there starving. I was always curious as to how it survived throughout it all. But, every time I took a shower, I was always a little bit frightened of it, feeling that it would swoop down and land on my elbow and take a bite of me or something (you'll see why this doesn't make sense soon). One day I was feeling brave, and wanted to finally take on this spider and kill it, because I felt like it was always getting ready to attack me, so I splashed some water on it. Literally just a drop of water hit it.

It fell down to the ground so freaking fast and landed in a sort of dry spot in the shower. I saw it moving, and it looked like it was struggling so hard to move. First, it was super weak because it didn't eat for a long time, so it was struggling very hard just to move around and it looked so flimsy and weak, and second it was very damp and wet on the ground, so it didn't have much room to move around. So at first I felt very scared of the spider, like I said every time I went in I was frightened, and then when it got to this weakened state, I emphasized with the spider and finally understood it was going through its own hardships, and I chose to end its live by crushing it with the heel of my foot I hope (I hope I didn't just drown it by splashing more water on it and made it suffer more).

So, we're all living creatures made up of spirits. We all go somewhere when we die. We won't be our physical being anymore. Maybe we'll reincarnate. Maybe we'll have eternal sleep. Maybe we'll meet God. Maybe we'll escape Samsara. Maybe we'll visit Hades. Maybe we'll watch over our ancestors as ghosts. No one knows the answer to this.

A very comforting way to look at it though, and I have found a lot of comfort in viewing death this way, and if you read my journal, I was very scared and frightened of death. No one had the answer I was looking for. Sure, "When we are, death is not, when death is, we are not", but that doesn't really help me cope with dying. It doesn't help me accept death or the dying process or the inevitability of it all.

This groundbreaking idea, to be curious about death and to embrace it as having your curiosity answered, now that is a great view on death. Who knows what happens upon death? No one. But guess what, you'll have the answer at some point in your existence. At some point, you'll know. Look forward to it when it comes. That's literally the most comfortable thing I've ever heard or read about regarding death.

And out of studying it for a very long time, I've never come across that answer until now. So, look forward to it. That's it. Look forward to it with curiosity. Be curious about death. Be curious.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Studying Health – 12:07 AM

12:07 AM – Sleep – 7:14 AM

7:14 AM – Browsing Internet – 7:45 AM

7:45 AM – Writing Journal – 7:48 AM

7:48 AM – Bathroom – 7:53 AM

7:53 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Photos – 7:58 AM

7:58 AM – Completing Yesterday – 8:02 AM

8:02 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:12 AM

8:12 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:22 AM

8:22 AM – Preparing Food – 8:25 AM

8:25 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:39 AM

8:39 AM – Studying Health – 10:08 AM

10:08 AM – Emailing Ex-Employer about Stock Options – 10:31 AM

10:31 AM – Writing Journal – 10:39 AM

10:39 AM – Bathroom – 10:43 AM

10:43 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 10:51 AM

10:51 AM – Writing Journal – 10:57 AM

10:57 AM – Walking Outside – 12:03 PM

12:03 PM – Writing Journal – 12:05 PM

12:05 PM – Researching Vesting Stock Options – 1:14 PM

1:14 PM – Writing Journal – 1:15 PM

1:15 PM – Eating Food – 1:35 PM

1:35 PM – Resting – 2:11 PM

2:11 PM – Eating Food – 2:20 PM

2:20 PM – Watching Videos – 5:13 PM

5:13 PM – Writing Journal - 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Driving Around – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Walking Outside – 6:50 PM

6:50 PM – Driving Around – 7:15 PM

7:15 PM – Shaving – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Writing Journal – 7:35 PM

7:35 PM – Browsing Internet – 9:18 PM

9:18 PM – Studying Death – 10:05 PM

10:05 PM – Writing Journal – 10:51 PM

10:51 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:56)
Studying Health (2:36)
Writing Journal (1:48)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:05)
Completing Yesterday (0:04)
Setting Up Today (0:10)
Cleaning Up Room (0:10)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:14)
Walking Outside (1:36)
Emailing Ex-Employer about Stock Options (0:23)
Researching Vesting Stock Options (1:09)
Studying Death (0:42)

Neutral Hours (10:07)
Sleep (8:13)
Bathroom (0:09)
Preparing Food (0:03)
Eating Food (0:09)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:08)
Resting (0:36)
Driving Around (0:55)

Unproductive Hours (5:07)
Browsing Internet (2:14)
Watching Videos (2:53)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 3
Python: 5
Web Development: 86
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 17

Thursday, April 12th 2018

6:23 AM

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Visit Work to Vest Stock Options
Networking Course (30 Minutes)
Software Engineering Course (30 Minutes)
Draw (1 Hour)
Work on Website (1 Hour)
Javascript (30 minutes)
Python (30 minutes)
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number

Work on Website Section of Portfolio Page
Work on JavaScript Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Mobile Apps Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Python Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Java Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Entry Responsiveness
Work on Portfolio Responsiveness
Work on Resume
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website

Steps Taken: 8769
Lines of Code: 100
Calories Consumed: 2400
Journal Words: 3583
Drawings: 0

Well I just had a talk with my dad. He basically asked me what my plan was and what I was doing with my time. He told me to apply for jobs already, and I told him I'm studying because I don't have any qualifications yet. He went over the fact that he worked many hours a day for a small wage and that I need to get a job in order to support the household, whether it's a fast food restaurant job or what.

I told him a fast food restaurant job wouldn't be a good use of my time and that it was better to study or do something more productive instead. He kept talking about healthcare and how he and I didn't have it and that if either of us got sick we wouldn't be able to pay for it. That's not my fault either. It's not my freaking fault both my parents are struggling financially because they have no idea how to save money by not buying or subscribing to random things they don't even need. For example we could save around $100 a month by cancelling our landline service and television, and if my mom switched to my own phone plan we could be saving around $60 a month. Also if they didn't go to restaurants every fucking weekend or every night they're outside they could save $100+ a month.

It's so fucking annoying, but even after telling them this they argue with me that they are just trying to enjoy their lives. I can't argue back with them, because they won't listen. They won't listen to the fact that cancelling the television won't take much out of their lives, they won't listen that switching my mom's plan wouldn't do anything different either.

Maybe it is time that I apply for a job. I'm going to finish up my portfolio and finally apply. As long as I'm able to work on my own projects on the side and have full claim and rights to it, I'm fine with any job.

9:32 AM

I'm about to leave now. I've transferred some money to my checking account where I can write the check from in order to vest the stock options. I'll only vest less than 1/3rd of all the available stock options available to me because I don't have anymore funds to buy anymore. I don't want to take out a loan either.

So there we go. I admit I am a bit nervous and a little embarrassed to go to that place again, the place where I used to work. Also, parking isn't free so I may have to pay some amount for parking, that sucks. Anyway, time go and visit. I'll just track the time on my phone about what I do and when.

I want this to be over already. If I do get some more funds though, I may come and vest even more options, otherwise the rest will go unexercised. Doesn't matter in the long run anyway.

So anyway, that's basically it. Time to go.

1:36 PM

Alright so I just got back home. I started cooking up some rice, and I just hung out with a friend for a couple of hours. So what happened was that it was pretty plain and typical, I just went over to the workplace, went right inside, and just waited at the front desk, there wasn't anyone who was there to talk to. Then the HR head came by and sat down with me as we talked for a while, I signed a form, wrote and gave her a check, and then she went to make copies. During that time a few former co-workers waved at me or said hi as they walked by, I greeted them back.

There's so many new people over there, holy moly. There were a lot of faces I don't even recognize as I see the company had grown substantially since I was there last time. I was glad to have been greeted again, it made me feel normal and sociable. Then afterwards the HR Head asked me how I was doing, I kind of rehearsed an answer already while taking a shower today, I told her that I left for the Philippines a week after I got fired and two of my relatives died there, she was so saddened, and then I told her about how I picked up drawing and how I started building websites again.

I haven't started looking for full time work yet as I'm still working on my website, but yeah I really need to do that. Like my dad said, I'm missing out on a lot of money by just not working, and freelancing isn't working out that well for me.

Afterwards I drove to my old apartment in the city, I used to walk to work back in the day, it took around an hour to walk to work, but I sang along the way, literally sang out loud as loud as I could on the way to work. I sang songs like That's Life by Frank Sinatra, and Fly Me to The Moon. Sometimes I didn't know the full lyrics of a song, so I would print it out and carry it with me to sing as I walked. I would intentionally sing as loud as I could so that the cars around me could hear me, and there was always traffic so at least two lines of cars were filled up, heading the same way I was. Despite literally yelling as loud as I could at times, enough to have my throat hurt, I was told from a co-worker who saw me looking like I was yelling something, that he rolled his windows down and couldn't hear what I was saying.

After that, I had no fears anymore about singing as loud as I could, and so I sang louder with more courage the next times I walked. Those were some great times in my life. I wish I could go back to those days, those were the days of innocence, the days when I was pretty much on top of the world.

So anyway, I drove back to my apartment and checked it out again. There was a new building being constructed near it. Then I drove past my old high school, and Woody Allen's quote about a button being pressed and a 'refresh' happening every 100 years came to my head, and I thought about that in high school terms as well. Every four years in high school, a button is pressed, and flush goes the toilet, here's a bunch of brand new faces and a new generation filling the scene. Those same freshmen I went to high school with as I was a senior, are already in their 20s now, that's fucking insane! That's insane and unbelievable.

Back when I went to high school I thought we were big shots, that we were the best generation that ever went through high school. That all these people I went to school with, and I knew most people's names, that every strong stereotype of a person we had, that we had the strongest of that stereotype. For example I thought we had the coolest cool kids, the smartest smart kids, the hottest hot girls, etc, and no other school compared. I thought we were so special.

Well that awesome adventure is over now. It's over just as quickly as it began. I still remember my freshmen years. I would have done things so differently if I knew then what I knew now. I would be so different today.

Anyway, so I visited my friend that I met in Boy Scouts nearly 10 years ago, and we hung out at his place for a few minutes. Afterwards he said he wanted to visit my place to check out the computer I had with the broken hinge, so we drove to my place, he saw my near and clean room, and I showed him my old laptop that had this broken hinge. He wanted to fix it and/or buy it from me, and I told him never mind, just leave it be. So then we left, went to his place again, I brought two oranges with me, we ate at his place, then I dropped him off at his parent's house (he lives with his girlfriend), and then I went home, and then I made some rice, and now I'm here typing this.

That's what happened so far today. Oh yeah, I also worked on my portfolio this morning and I worked on it thoroughly before leaving for the workplace. I made sure to update the proper areas and now my portfolio looks absolutely amazing. It looks pretty spectacular. I worked on this for two hours this morning and had a good time. I'm surprised I was able to get so much done, although I admit that I basically rushed it.

I still need to update my email address on the website, I think I need to make my own email address.

2:05 PM

What the hell. There's no way I could have typed all that up in 5 minutes. Maybe I started at 1:46 not 1:56? Maybe I started at 1:36 instead and just misread that as 1:56? That's probably the most logical scenario. I'm going to change it to 1:36 and add 20 minutes to the productive time log, because again, there's no way I could have typed that all up in 5 minutes.

7:14 PM

Well I had one of the most productive days I've ever had today. I got so much done on the portfolio. Pretty much every section is done except for the Art and Video sections. While working on the Website section, some tears came to my eyes as I listened to a midi version of "Clocks" by Coldplay while looking at my "" website. That was one of the first websites I ever made, and I made that site in third grade. I was a little kid in elementary school, and I remember visiting friend's houses and showing them my website as a kid, and I remember playing Neopets too.

Those were some very good days. I could barely spell back then. I'm so freaking glad Web.Archive.Org had an archive of the website from 2004! Freaking 2004! How the heck... Every day, in hindsight, feels like some of the best days of my life. But honestly, third grade was one of the best days of my life. So was fourth grade, and fifth grade, and every grade basically. Being a kid and going to school, even senior year, was awesome. I loved every single second of it. I loved and enjoyed every single moment I had in school, even the stressful ones, even the horrible ones, even the ones when I cried, I loved every single day of my youth.

Obviously I'm still young today, and there's so much to do. But I can already imagine looking back at this moment ten years from now, and going "holy crap, 24, I was so young back then." To my future self: I love you man. I know you think you could have done so much more at 24, but that's only looking at things in hindsight. From my current perspective, from my viewpoint where I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I have no freaking idea about anything. I'm just a lost soul trying to live my life, trying to be productive, trying to work hard and accomplish things. What can I even do?

I have just as much time as today, as you that day do in the future. We may be ten years apart, sure, but a day is a day. Being 24 and having a day while being 24, doesn't somehow make it more valuable or worth more than having a day at 34. A day is a day, a week is a week, a month is a month, a year is a year. It's one year. 2028 is ten years from now. That feels like forever from now, from today. I know though, I know it will be here sooner than I expect. But again, what can I do, what should I do?

Anyway, as my friend recommended, I need to work on my resume. I'm going to work on my resume. Then I can send it to his girlfriend who is a recruiter, and she can possibly help me find a job. I'm going to try and finish this resume tonight if possible. I'm going to look for a nice template I can use in constructing a resume, and then build a resume from that.

First though, should I take a break? I don't think I should take a break as I'm already on an awesome streak, but I kind of want to... I'm going to resist the urge to take a break though, and instead I'm going to look for a resume template and finish it. Once I finish my resume, then I'll take a break.

That sounds like a much more productive use of my time.

7:27 PM

No, I definitely need a break. My eyesight is starting to get a little bit blurry. I'm going to take a break and look outside for a while. That's all I'm going to be doing, just looking outside.

9:01 PM

Woohoo! I finally finished up my resume too, and I sent it off to my friend's girlfriend. This is cool. I got so much done today, I didn't expect to get anything done today. Maybe it's the coffee my friend offered me? He said "You don't drink coffee right? Here, drink this" and he gave me a shot of some strong coffee, which I drank entirely. I didn't feel the effects until a couple of hours, maybe an hour after, but after it hit, whew. I was wide awake and concentrated.

It's so weird how that worked. How does that work? I didn't expect for coffee to be able to have such an effect, that's pretty rad.

What am I going to do now? Take a break I guess, and then exercise outside, and then work on my plan for tomorrow. Or... if I were rational, what I would do is exercise first, then work on my plan for tomorrow, then take a break. Like, if I take a break now, I might be too lazy to do anything else. Right?

In that case, I am going to prepare to exercise outside. I need to exercise today because I haven't yet.

10:50 PM

During my walk today, I thought about yeah, how I would grow old one day and die. The inevitability of it all is fearsome. It's truly frightening. So many of the written works I look at and review today, are made by people who are already dead. So many people today are already so very old. The people who made the world what it is today, are already dead or very old. Those people shaped the way the world is today, for all the youth.

The reason why I'm able to write on the Internet today is because a bunch of now very old or dead people contributed tiny parts to ultimately make the Internet, because the Internet was forged with many more than just one pair of hands.

Also, another idea I discussed with my friend, is that no one who has cancer today or any day, expected to get cancer. It's not like they were young and one day when they were older they were like "Okay, I've decided, I'm going to get cancer today." No one who has cancer ever wanted it nor expected it. absolutely no one (well maybe some people do expect to get cancer, but no one really wants it).

And that's the point. We all think "it's not going to happen to me," well, what do you think the current cancer receives thought? Did they think "It's going to happen to me,"? No. They thought the same as everyone else. No one expected it nor wanted it.

Anyway, while on my run today, throughout many instances running in front of homes, I've had a whiff of cigarette smoke. Sometimes I would be exposed to it more closely and it's just everywhere here. Like, every few blocks, I'd expect to smell cigarette smoke. It's freaking disgusting. It makes my run feel less like a run and more like a poisonous bath. I was having a good time outside until I started smelling the cigarette smoke, and after one whiff of running you think you're through, but that's probably your nose blocking out the smell afterwards, and you're still breathing it in the entire time. Dang it.

11:28 PM

Wow my answer yesterday went freaking viral. It became, I think, the most viewed answer in that entire question. Remember that question I answered yesterday, where a person was asking if they could die yet, and I posted my response about imagining dying? That answer now has over 300 views and 3 upvotes. When I posted that answer, there were already a bunch of other answers listed before me, and when I posted it I didn't expect anything from it, but now my answer has the most views in that entire question out of 16 people who answered. Wow! What an honor, really.

Also, the question I asked yesterday anonymously, about being scared to die and how to accept death, now has over 400 views I think, and it became pretty viral too as there's 29 people who answered, and there's 7 people who followed the question, including some "Top Writers" and "Award Winner" guys apparently, they have these badges on their account.

I'm going to stick to my answer that the only way I feel comfortable about dying is to tackle dying with curiosity and questioning. To ask, "What happens when I die?" and to really ponder it, right before dying, and while experiencing dying, to actually be in that moment and to answer for yourself: "ah so this is what happens when you die" as whatever happens, happens around you. Who knows, maybe you wake up in a white room, and you look around, and you suddenly realize it was all a dream after all, that this entire life was a dream, made up by a superior logical being able to imagine such vivid worlds in their sleep? Maybe it's heaven and hell. Maybe it's reincarnation. Maybe it's living in a stone tablet. Maybe it's haunting a house. Who knows.

I wrote a blog post a few years back, maybe in 2015, writing about how "I wish ghosts were real" because then we would have answers about what happens when life ends, you know? We don't know. Like Woody Allen says, every 100 years, a button is pressed, and the whole world's population is reset. Every 4 years, a button is pressed, and every 4 year high school is refreshed, the entire population is reset. Every 10 or so years, an entire college's population is reset, press the button, ping, new people now. Where'd everyone go? Gone. Forever.

Some day in the future, having someone alive that was born in the 1900s like I was (born in 1993), would become an extreme rarity, and then later still, it would be an impossibility. Yet today, we have a large majority of people having been born in the 1900s. Almost everyone I know and almost everyone I see outside at any given time was born in the 1900s. I know just very few people born in the 2000s. However, just like how there's no one alive today who was born in the 1800s, one day there will be no one alive born in the 1900s.

It will be very shocking. Is such a thing even possible? Why yes it is. It's an inevitability. It's hard to imagine for me though, because like I said, the entire world that I know, exists because it was forged by those born in the 1900s. A large majority of people that I see when I look outside, were born in the 1900s, basically almost everyone. Literally. I can't state that enough.

But yeah. I'm looking now at the list of the oldest living people today, and most of them are from freaking Japan. I'm not even joking. Out of the top 30 oldest living people today, 14 of them are from Japan. In the top 10, 4 of them are from Japan. From 11 to 20, 6 of them are from Japan. Also, the reason why I only did the top 30, was because every single oldest living person today from rank 1 to rank 29, are all female. Like I scroll down the list, and all I see is "F" everywhere. The 30th rank guy is Male, he's 112. He's rank freaking 30th.

In the top 50, only 3 people are male. Only three! In the top 100 oldest living people, only fucking 6 are male! What the fuck is this!!! 94 out of 100 are female. Only 6 are male. That's actually pretty cool. Males dominate almost every other subject, but we're completely obliterated when it comes to longevity. I'm in shock.

Anyway I have to set up tomorrow before the day ends, and then I'll take a "break".

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 5:58 AM

5:58 AM – Setting Up Today – 6:11 AM

6:11 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 6:15 AM

6:15 AM – Talking with Dad – 6:23 AM

6:23 AM – Writing Journal – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM – Talking with Dad – 6:36 AM

6:36 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 6:44 AM

6:44 AM – Talking with Parents – 6:50 AM

6:50 AM – Working on Portfolio – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Shower – 9:02 AM

9:02 AM – Preparing Check – 9:16 AM

9:16 AM – Preparing to Leave – 9:32 AM

9:32 AM – Writing Journal – 9:35 AM

9:35 AM – Driving / Exercising Vested Options – 11:00 AM

11:00 AM – Hanging out with Friend – 1:56 PM

1:56 PM – Writing Journal – 2:01 PM

2:01 PM – Fixing Email – 2:05 PM

2:05 PM – Writing Journal – 2:08 PM

2:08 PM – Preparing Food – 2:11 PM

2:11 PM – Eating Food – 2:30 PM

2:30 PM – Watching Videos – 2:55 PM

2:55 PM – Working on Portfolio – 4:04 PM

4:04 PM – Bathroom – 4:09 PM

4:09 PM – Working on Portfolio – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Writing Journal – 7:26 PM

7:26 PM – Looking for Resume Template – 7:27 PM

7:27 PM – Writing Journal – 7:28 PM

7:28 PM – Break – 7:42 PM

7:42 PM – Looking for Resume Templates – 7:59 PM

7:59 PM – Working on Resume – 9:01 PM

9:01 PM – Writing Journal – 9:06 PM

9:06 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 9:16 PM

9:16 PM – Exercising – 10:26 PM

10:26 PM – Resting – 10:50 PM

10:50 PM – Writing Journal – 10:59 PM

10:59 PM – Resting – 11:28 PM

11:28 PM – Writing Journal – 11:55 PM

11:55 PM – Setting Up Tomorrow – 11:59

Productive Hours (12:37)
Setting Up Today (0:13)
Cleaning Up Room (0:04)
Talking with Dad (0:08)
Writing Journal (1:32)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:08)
Working on Portfolio (6:14)
Preparing Check (0:14)
Driving / Exercising Vested Options (1:25)
Fixing Email (0:04)
Looking for Resume Template (0:18)
Working on Resume (1:02)
Exercising (1:10)
Setting Up Tomorrow (0:04)

Neutral Hours (8:04)
Sleep (5:58)
Talking with Parents (0:06)
Preparing to Leave (0:16)
Preparing Food (0:03)
Eating Food (0:19)
Bathroom (0:05)
Break (0:14)
Preparing to Exercise (0:10)
Resting (0:53)

Unproductive Hours (0:25)
Watching Videos (0:25)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 3
Python: 5
Web Development: 92
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 18

Friday, April 13th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Upload Previous Day's Photos
Networking Course (30 Minutes)
Software Engineering Course (30 Minutes)
Draw (1 Hour)
Work on Website (1 Hour)
JavaScript (30 Minutes)
Python (30 Minutes)

Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Home Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Page Responsiveness
Work on Journal Entry Responsiveness
Fix or Remove Footer
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number

Steps Taken: 1877
Lines of Code: 30
Calories Consumed: 2200+
Journal Words: 1615
Drawings: 30

12:02 AM

OoOoOo it's Friday the Thirteenth! Spooooky! Just kidding. It literally doesn't mean anything. It's just a human construct that 'today' (which is another human construct), is a spooky day. 'Spooky' even, is just another human construct as well. If we used another kind of calendar where we didn't have the day "Friday", for example if the standard calendar was instead a 3 day per week calendar which it could have ended up being if history allowed it so, and the days were "Yoday", "Myday", "Yaday", then "Friday" the thirteenth wouldn't even exist.

Also, if we were born in a different culture that didn't even have this stigma against Friday the 13th, we wouldn't even know of its significance that it was the title of a horror movie where people died. It would've just been some random other day. Or if we were born into a culture that didn't even have a concept of days, then there would be no such thing.

So there we go, any kind of superstition can be dispelled. I'm really freaking sleepy now. I'm going to 'take a break' and possibly sleep.

12:10 PM

Well I had a call with the recruiter this morning and I think it went rather well.

12:31 PM

I just randomly browsed the Q&A website again, my answers and questions that I thought went 'viral' yesterday (they just had a few hundred views, not even a thousand, but it was still exciting), have now gone to obscurity. They're not getting any more views or responses or anything like that. I guess your question or answer is only active for that brief moment of time, and then it fades to the question archives. Fair enough.

I was reading about people's experiences and so on being 60+ and older. I cannot believe the variety of answers available. A very few amount of people were still thriving, but a majority of them were facing surprise and awe at how different life is today for them. Some of them wanted to keep on going, to keep on hiking, or skiing, or doing other mild physical activities, but due to broken bones from osteoporosis or getting a cold whenever they go outside, they had to give them up. Sometimes even doing a household activity like crocheting would bring their hands pain.

Some even complained about vision, which from their description isn't so bad. My vision is probably worse than theirs, as sad as it is. Like one person described no longer being able to drive at night or having to use reading glasses to read... wow. That's nothing at all. Why not just get normal glasses or contacts that allow them to see better? I'm serious, I don't think these elderly have even considered it. I can't even see anything without my glasses or contacts except for wide blurry vague colors and shapes, so I don't even think reading glasses can help me, and I can't drive at night either because literally everything is pitch black as my eyes don't absorb enough light to allow me to see anything.

In the mornings though I can drive just fine without any glasses or contacts, this is purely from experience. I would have a very difficult time driving in a very new location I'd never been to before, and I wouldn't be able to read any signs at all unless I parked right next to the sign, got out of the car, and literally put my eyes at least a foot away. Even a large freaking sign, I can't read out in front of me. The letters look weird. A stop sign is pretty much all red except for white stuff in the middle, unless I get very very close, literally standing right in front of it, and even then it might still be hard to read.

How do I know this? Because I go outside walking all the time. I've done most of my walking so far without any glasses or contacts, since I just carry my glasses in my pocket, and yeah I can barely see anything. Even standing in front of a stop sign, I have a hard time reading "Stop", even if I know it's supposed to be right there.

Anyway, fitness is the one factor in the elderly differing those who are now still strong to those who are now weak. I mean some of them they couldn't really do anything about it, even if they were very active and very healthy, they still ran into health problems and had to give up some if not all of their past activities. So it's not foolproof, it's not a guarantee, but it's still better than not being fit or healthy.

Looking at all the supercentenarians above 110 though, just looking at images of them, they're all so wrinkled and old and fragile and small. Like their body has decreased in mass, and they're not even able to walk anymore, or most of them. It's so surprising. Anyway, I'm considering walking outside today right now. Maybe, maybe not. It's really sunny outside.

I guess I can go for a jog.

1:30 PM

It is hot outside, the sun is just blazing. It's way too bright and strong out right now for me to walk around without any sunscreen. For some reason I was able to walk in this kind of sun just fine during this same time. Now though, it feels so hot outside. It's not even that hot yet, but it was just uncomfortable to walk in. Also, I may have exaggerated about not being able to see the word "Stop" while standing in front of a stop sign without any glasses or contacts. Sure it's hard to see, but I think I would still be able to see it.

Anyway, time to work on the website again. I can work on the responsiveness of it.

4:58 PM

I'm going to work on writing a video script and make a video from it. I have this drawing tablet that I can use here and even though I don't know how to draw basically anything, I can at least try to draw something. I'll make my script really short... long enough for just a one hour video. So what I'll do is I'll write the script, draw up some scenes for it, and then record my voice, and then compile everything into a video.

I've been seeing a lot of other people doing just that, and it seems not that difficult. Really. I don't think it's hard at all, and it doesn't look hard at all. Most people that do it too don't even look like they're masters at drawing either. So that's why I'll give it a shot. Let's see how well I do.

7:13 PM

I've been drawing in a rushed and bad way for what feels like forever and so far I have only gotten two paragraphs of the script done. There's 7 paragraphs total that I wrote but the animation / drawing footage video that I'm making for the script, is taking forever. I mean these aren't even good drawings. The stylus is hard to hold, and the people who can draw, they make this look like it's easy. It's not easy.

Anyway, I'm going to work on the actual video now, and start working on compiling the audio and the footage together to see what I can make. I mean I think the ending video is going to end up looking like crap, but let's see what happens.

8:04 PM

The video does not look bad at all. It looks really nice actually and I'm looking forward to the finished product. Each individual drawing I made kind of sucks, and my voiceover kinda sucks, but combine them together and somehow it's not so bad. I really like how it's turning up. It looks sort of 'artistic' despite my crappy drawings.

But yeah, what am I going to do now? I'm going to watch some videos for a while I guess, and take a break. I have no idea how animators can make such clear looking pictures and such... well they probably spend like 1 hour or so per frame, which is how they make it look so well. That makes sense. Anyway, I'm going to just watch some videos because I am feeling a little bit tired despite me barely working at all today. Maybe it's because I only got 3 hours of sleep last night?

10:24 PM

I finally finished all the drawings I think. I may need to readjust some of them again, but I can do that tomorrow. For now I might just go to sleep or take a break and watch a video or two. It's so freaking hot in my room right now, and my lungs are still sore from the fucking cigarette smoke I inhaled yesterday during/after I sprinted. There were several occasions during my walk and run yesterday in which I wound inhale cigarette smoke as I passed by people's homes, it was so freaking annoying, I would inhale it both while running, and after.

During the last few blocks I sprinted full speed, which meant at the very end I came panting and gasping extremely hard. That was when I breathed in a shite ton of cigarette smoke. I was so freaking annoyed at whoever was doing it, but obviously I couldn't know because of the darkness and just how many homes there were around me.

Anyway I'm really tired. I might really just go to sleep and forego watching videos altogether. It's so freaking hot in here I'm almost sweating.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:02 AM

12:02 AM – Writing Journal – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Resting – 1:06 AM

1:06 AM – Watching Anime – 4:55 AM

4:55 AM – Sleep – 8:12 AM

8:12 AM – Shower – 8:35 AM

8:35 AM – Reviewing Emails – 8:44 AM

8:44 AM – Browsing Internet – 8:55 AM

8:55 AM – Phone Interview – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entries – 9:56 AM

9:56 AM – Preparing Food – 10:11 AM

10:11 AM – Eating Food - 10:21 AM

10:21 AM – Watching Videos – 11:50 AM

11:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 11:58 AM

11:58 AM – Eating Food – 12:10 PM

12:10 PM – Writing Journal – 12:11 PM

12:11 PM – Distraction – 12:31 PM

12:31 PM – Writing Journal – 12:44 PM

12:44 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 1:00 PM

1:00 PM – Exercising – 1:30 PM

1:30 PM – Writing Journal – 1:34 PM

1:34 PM – Working on Website – 2:38 PM

2:38 PM – Distraction – 4:58 PM

4:58 PM – Writing Journal – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Writing Script – 5:25 PM

5:25 PM – Recording Script – 5:36 PM

5:36 PM – Drawing Script – 7:13 PM

7:13 PM – Writing Journal – 7:16 PM

7:16 PM – Creating Video – 7:34 PM

7:34 PM – Drawing Script – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Drawing Script – 7:54 PM

7:54 PM – Creating Video - 7:57 PM

7:57 PM – Drawing Script – 8:00 PM

8:00 PM – Creating Video – 8:04 PM

8:04 PM – Writing Journal – 8:07 PM

8:07 PM – Napping – 8:29 PM

8:29 PM – Drawing Script – 9:14 PM

9:14 PM – Creating Video - 9:24 PM

9:24 PM – Napping – 9:37 PM

9:37 PM – Preparing Food – 9:43 PM

9:43 PM – Drawing Script – 10:24 PM

10:24 PM – Writing Journal – 10:28 PM

10:28 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:54)
Setting Up Today (0:02)
Writing Journal (0:35)
Phone Interview (0:25)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:36)
Cleaning Up Room (0:08)
Exercising (0:30)
Working on Website (1:04)
Writing Script (0:24)
Recording Script (0:11)
Drawing Script (3:24)
Creating Video (0:35)

Neutral Hours (7:45)
Resting (1:00)
Sleep (4:48)
Shower (0:23)
Preparing Food (0:21)
Eating Food (0:22)
Preparing to Exercise (0:16)
Napping (0:35)

Unproductive Hours (7:58)
Watching Anime (3:49)
Watching Videos (1:29)
Distraction (2:40)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 6
Python: 5
Web Development: 93
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 18

Saturday, April 14th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Draw for an Hour
Work on Website for an Hour
Work on Courses for an Hour
Work on School for an Hour
Program for an Hour

Work on Art Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Videos Section of Portfolio Page
Work on Journal Entry Responsiveness
Fix or Remove Footer
Fix or Remove Coming Soon Section
Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Redirect Logo
Add Favicon
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course

Steps Taken: 4479
Lines of Code: 100
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 742
Drawings: 10

7:23 AM

I like how I set up today. Basically I have all of my "Specific" tasks that I put into my Backlog, and then I have just the daily things that I need to do today put into my Tasks List. So let's say I have to work on the website for an hour, I can just pick out a task from the Backlog to work on that is website related, and I can just do that for an hour, and then that would get both my task from the task list and the backlog done.

Of course I can still put in very specific items in there such as "clean up my room" because that wouldn't make any sense to put into the backlog, unless it's something I haven't done in a week and keep putting it off. But I do that every day in the morning, so I think it's fine for me to just put that in the Task List instead of the Backlog because I would need to delete it and rewrite it every day in the Backlog if I put it in there. And that wouldn't make any sense, there's no 'completion' for it, it happens every day, just like exercising.

Ah, there we go. That's a qualification for being added to the Backlog, the ability to be completed. Cleaning up my room can never be completed because it's there daily. The backlog tasks are very specific and so they can end.

12:53 PM

Oh gosh the website is basically done now. I don't know what else can be improved. The entire website responsiveness is working, it's usable in any layout or format. My entire portfolio page is done. My entire journal page is done since the responsiveness now works. What next?

I felt a lot of nostalgia looking back on the videos and artwork I made back in the day. They didn't really feel like anything to me at the time. I wish though that I could have done more or made more during that time period. I don't know why I made such a limited number of works. I could have done so much more.

Anyway, I have not eaten all day. I'm going to eat some food and watch some videos for a while. I think I deserve it at least after working for several hours on the website non-stop. Ever since I woke up, to basically right now, I worked on the website. I don't know what else to update. I think I'll be showing this to my mom and other people so they can take a look at it.

7:38 PM

Drawing is pretty hard and it's especially hard and boring to learn and go through all the techniques and everything. I just learned how to 'draw with the shoulder' as I've just been drawing with my wrist the entire time. I drew five pages worth of circles and I did some training with the 'holding your pencil in front of you to get the angle of objects' and I tried to draw things, just rectangular shapes using both of these techniques and it was hard. Very hard.

Anyway, the sun is starting to set, so I figure I should go out and get some exercise now if ever.

8:37 PM

Whew what a run. I'm just glad this time there wasn't anybody smoking outside. That was actually my main fear yesterday and why I didn't go outside, because I thought, man, there was going to be all these smokers I encounter again, because the night before I had at least three different occasions when I'd smell cigarette smoke, it was so disgusting.

What next? Hmm. I'm going to choose out a list of activities for me to do, or I might even make a "Monthly Plan" page where I would have a list of tasks that I want to get done for a certain month. I got this idea while running, since I do random stuff every day, it's probably because I don't have a well thought out plan.

Maybe if I plan out my future, I can get somewhere?

8:52 PM

Gosh writing down a plan is hard as f. I think I first need to write a "Year" plan, and then break that down into the months... and then the weeks... and then the days... Jeebus that is tough. That is so freaking tough.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 7:00 AM

7:00 AM – Bathroom – 7:11 AM

7:11 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:23 AM

7:23 AM – Writing Journal – 7:27 AM

7:27 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 7:33 AM

7:33 AM – Distraction – 7:36 AM

7:36 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 7:51 AM

7:51 AM – Distraction – 8:08 AM

8:08 AM – Fixing Journal Entry Responsiveness – 8:40 AM

8:40 AM – Working on Home Page Responsiveness – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Working on Portfolio Responsiveness – 8:49 AM

8:49 AM – Distraction – 8:55 AM

8:55 AM – Working on Footer – 9:30 AM

9:30 AM – Working on Coming Soon Section – 10:17 AM

10:17 AM – Redirecting Logo – 10:20 AM

10:20 AM – Adding Favicon – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Working on Art Section of Portfolio – 11:42 AM

11:42 AM – Working on Video Section of Portfolio – 12:53 PM

12:53 PM – Writing Journal – 12:57 PM

12:57 PM – Preparing Food – 1:10 PM

1:10 PM – Eating Food – 1:21 PM

1:21 PM – Preparing Food – 1:24 PM

1:24 PM – Eating Food – 1:34 PM

1:34 PM – Preparing Food – 1:36 PM

1:36 PM – Eating Food – 1:46 PM

1:46 PM – Break – 2:46 PM

2:46 PM – Watching Anime – 6:31 PM

6:31 PM – Drawing – 7:11 PM

7:11 PM – Bathroom – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Drawing – 7:38 PM

7:38 PM – Writing Journal – 7:40 PM

7:40 PM – Preparing to Exercise– 7:48 PM

7:48 PM – Exercising – 8:37 PM

8:37 PM – Writing Journal – 8:40 PM

8:40 PM – Distraction – 8:52 PM

8:52 PM – Writing Journal – 8:53 PM

8:53 PM – Procrastinating – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:28)
Setting Up Today (0:12)
Writing Journal (0:14)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:15)
Fixing Journal Entry Responsiveness (0:32)
Working on Home Page Responsiveness (0:05)
Working on Portfolio Responsiveness (0:04)
Working on Footer (0:35)
Working on Coming Soon Section (0:47)
Redirecting Logo (0:03)
Adding Favicon (0:10)
Working on Art Section of Portfolio (1:12)
Working on Video Section of Portfolio (1:11)
Drawing (1:04)
Exercising (0:49)

Neutral Hours (9:11)
Sleep (7:00)
Bathroom (0:11)
Preparing Food (0:18)
Eating Food (0:31)
Break (1:00)
Bathroom (0:03)
Preparing to Exercise (0:08)

Unproductive Hours (7:29)
Distraction (0:38)
Watching Anime (3:45)
Procrastinating (3:06)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 7
Python: 5
Web Development: 97
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 18

Sunday, April 15th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour Draw for an hour
Upload Previous Day's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Move "All Journals" to fit under website theme
Create Sitemap for Site
Improve Site SEO

Steps Taken: 50
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2200
Journal Words: 781
Drawings: 0

7:17 AM

Well I remember thinking that at the beginning of the month it was going to take a while for the 15th to arrive, and now here it is. That was way too quick. I can't believe it. Last night I also read a very interesting sentence, that it's closer to 2030 than it is to 2005. No way, right? Unbelievable.

So anyway, today is the day I want to start up my "Plan for the Year" and month, and day. I realized I never really set up a plan like that, so what's the point of me planning daily, if I don't have an overall goal or thing that I want to attain by a certain time? Anyway, I'm going to clean my room and upload yesterday's entry before starting to work on the plan.

8:18 AM

Okay, according to my planning, if I just do an hour a day of the web page development course, I should be done within the month. If I do an hour a day of the Unity game development course, I should be done by the 20th. And then I have an hour of the drawing course which will be halfway done at the end of the month, and if I do two hours of my university courses per day, that would be done by the end of next month.

That's just five hours a day and I should be able to get a lot done, according to this plan... Of course that doesn't include the time I have to do the exercises or assignments, which can take another extra hour two. But doing one hour of these courses per day should suffice to learning a good amount of them by the end of the month. That kind of planning wasn't so bad. Of course I don't have a plan for next month or any other months, just this month.

I would have to go back to the drawing boards in order to plan out the remainder of the year, but so far I don't know what to fully do yet. I'm still busy focusing on this month and in particular, this day.

So since it's still the morning, I have a good amount of time now to be able to do the five hours of courses today. I'll go ahead and start now, even though it will be boring and painful to go through, I have to go through this.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Procrastinating – 12:45 AM

12:45 AM – Sleep – 7:05 AM

7:05 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:17 AM

7:17 AM – Writing Journal – 7:21 AM

7:21 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 7:26 AM

7:26 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 7:38 AM

7:38 AM – Planning – 8:18 AM

8:18 AM – Writing Journal – 8:23 AM

8:23 AM – Web Development Course – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Preparing Food – 8:48 AM

8:48 AM – Eating Food – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Preparing Food – 9:05 AM

9:05 AM – Eating Food – 9:25 AM

9:25 AM – Distraction – 9:35 AM

9:35 AM – Web Development Course – 11:48 AM

11:48 AM – Installing Flask – 1:22 PM

1:22 PM – Break – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Installing Flask – 1:50 PM

1:50 PM – Preparing Food – 1:54 PM

1:54 PM – Break – 2:02 PM

2:02 PM – Preparing Food – 2:06 PM

2:06 PM – Eating Food – 2:19 PM

2:19 PM – Break – 3:19 PM

3:19 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:52)
Setting Up Today (0:12)
Writing Journal (0:09)
Cleaning Up Room (0:05)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:12)
Planning (0:40)
Web Page Development Course (2:35)
Installing Flask (1:59)

Neutral Hours (8:12)
Sleep (6:20)
Preparing Food (0:16)
Eating Food (0:45)
Break (1:11)

Unproductive Hours (9:35)
Procrastinating (0:45)
Distraction (0:10)
Wasting Time (8:40)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 7
Python: 5
Web Development: 101
Java: 0
Programming: 4
Exercise: 18

Monday, April 16th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Previous Day's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Move "All Journals" to fit under website theme
Create Sitemap for Site
Improve Site SEO

Steps Taken: 6228
Lines of Code: 20
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 1491
Drawings: 0

12:38 PM

I just spent an hour looking for jobs and gigs related to web page development. Now I can either go out for a run, or do two hours of homework.... I think I'll go out for a run first and then I'll work on my homework once I come back.

After my two hours of homework, the only thing I have left to do is to draw for an hour, and then I'll basically be done for the day. Then I can work on anything else I want to work on, or I can just not work on anything else, because I'd have completed everything in my task list. It really is better to wake up early, because you can get so much more work done in the morning, and by the time you're feeling midday, it is midday.

1:51 PM

Whew. I'm tired. I came back home after a run, running I think for the majority of the time I was outside, at least greater than 50%. It was cold and freezing when I stepped outside, I could feel it in my legs and my body as the window pierced through my clothes. I could've gone back in and put in something heavier, but decided not to thinking that my running would generate enough heat for me where I wouldn't be able to feel the cold anymore.

For the most part I was right, because I hadn't even started running yet, when I already felt used to the cold and it no longer affected me, after just a few minutes of walking outside. I started running maybe 10-15 minutes after walking and I ran for probably 10 minutes before walking again. I then just switched between jogging and walking, mainly jogging, for the next 20 or so minutes. Around halfway through my run, it started to rain hard, and it was already cold outside, but the wind started to blow harder, I could feel how cold it was again despite running and sweating.

Oh no, I thought. I was going to get sick if I didn't get home soon. So I picked up the pace and just ran all the way back home. I was so very tired and sweaty, but I just kept pushing myself to run no matter what. Eventually I got back home, and here I am now. My hands were so cold initially when I first got here that I had a very hard time typing.

I kind of thought about a few things during my walk outside. First that the world is basically the same as it was just 300 years ago. The only thing that has improved really is our technology, and digital technology and screens is probably the coolest and most revolutionary invention since then, if you just compare what kind of technology people could never have even imagined 300 years ago. People could probably imagine rockets into space, like basically just a giant bullet shot from the ground into space, I think people could have imagined that 300 years ago, or cars as well, basically a wagon that could move itself, or airplanes, well maybe not airplanes.

But just thinking about what they could never have imagined in a thousand years; digital technology. Not really just the software, but the hardware that also makes it function, because you need both. They could have never imagined a television monitor ever existing or even a digital camera able to capture photos and record videos in their wildest imaginations. Is there even any technology we can't imagine today, existing in the future?

Maybe something that can allow you to read minds or communicate with one another through telekinesis technology or be able to learn information and skills that way as well? But that doesn't work since I can imagine. I'm talking about technology no one in our present generation has even conceived of yet. Is such a thing even possible? It most likely is, but I can't conceive of it. I wouldn't have any faintest idea what it was, or how it can be done, just like how people could not even imagine cell phones existing back then.

The iPhone was so revolutionary. I mean, this digital device that you could hold in your hand, and the screen itself was the device you interacted with... I mean today we take that for granted, but even just 10 years ago, and I remember this, it was so new and groundbreaking. It was something no one had ever done before or had heard of before, and it was the latest gadget and craze going around. Nowadays the original iPhone looks lame, old, outdated, but it's still functional, it still works amazingly even today.

So the iPhone, having something like the iPhone and bringing it to 300 years ago... that would simply blow the minds of anyone who saw it back then. First of all it was hard to conceive of, it's nearly science fiction even 10 years ago. Movies and such were being made 10 years ago, but they didn't even have smartphones. It's so shocking how much that has changed today, how movies of yesteryear didn't have anybody using smart devices, and nowadays it's in every movie.

I remember watching Tron Legacy in movie theaters back in 2010. Holy crap, 8 years ago... I remember that was the latest movie at the time and it was this cool sci-fi hacker like movie, and I thought wow, a few years from now is going to be sooo different. But it was practically the same. There hasn't been much change I would say, since 2010. 2018 is basically 2010 realized. All the stuff that people are raving about now, had already been out in 2010, like laptops and smartphones, and so on, just not many people had them back then.

Anyway, I came back home from a run. I'm going to take a break by playing a game... I don't want this to take over my day, so this will be an experiment to whether or not it does. If this takes over, then I'll make a rule that I will never do anything unproductive before getting everything in the task list done first.

6:19 PM

That was fun. I played MapleStory again and played a few different classes. It's so different today from what it was over 10 years ago. I remember playing that game as a kid in middle school and it was so much fun, but there was a lot of grinding. In order to get to level 30 for example, you had to play for at least a week or two to get that high, maybe even a month. All I know is that I played for like 4 months and the highest level I got to was 44 or something like that. It was a really hard game to play back then. It was also really hard to get money back then.

Now you just play for a few minutes, and you get level 10 nearly instantly. I was so shocked that I got to level 2 by killing 1 creature, and then I got to level 3 by killing another creature. There used to be this island called "beginner island" and it took like 2-3 hours to get to level 10 to be able to get out of that place. Now you just kill one thing and you level up, that's crazy. Although at later levels it starts to slow down considerably.

It also feels like the people who made the game want people to keep playing because they keep giving away freebies. There's so many freebies and 'starter' packs now, like I received 200 mana potions on each of my characters for not really doing anything. Back then you had to buy these mana potions, and like I said the gold or money in that game was hard to get. In like the 1-2 hours I spent playing one of the characters to level 35 or so, I received more than 150k of the money in the game. So it's really easy to get money there.

I remember my parents buying NX cards in Target back in the day and I would just use them to buy up Gachapon items, and I wouldn't know what these items were worth, so I probably sold them for really cheap prices. I do remember my store in the game being sold out nearly instantly often, and it's probably because I put the items up for way cheaper than they're worth, so the players would use the 'item finder' item to find who's store had what item and for what price, and they'd see I'd have X item at cheap price and they'd buy it.

So yeah that was my experience with playing games today. I'm going to eat some food, and I might go back to playing again.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 6:15 AM

6:15 AM – Bathroom – 6:20 AM

6:20 AM – Dishes – 6:26 AM

6:20 AM – Setting Up Today – 6:32 AM

6:32 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 6:39 AM

6:39 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 6:54 PM

6:54 PM – Web Development Course – 7:59 AM

7:59 AM – Game Development Course – 8:09 AM

8:09 AM – Preparing Food – 8:19 AM

8:19 AM – Game Development Course – 9:14 AM

9:14 AM – Break – 9:44 AM

9:44 AM – Preparing Food – 9:48 AM

9:48 AM – Cleaning up Aquarium – 10:01 AM

10:01 AM – Preparing Food – 10:06 AM

10:06 AM – Eating Food – 10:15 AM

10:15 AM – Preparing Food – 10:20 AM

10:20 AM – Eating Food – 10:44 AM

10:44 AM – Watching Videos – 11:37 AM

11:37 AM – Looking for Gigs – 12:38 PM

12:38 PM – Writing Journal – 12:41 PM

12:41 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 12:51 PM

12:51 PM – Exercising – 1:51 PM

1:51 PM – Writing Journal – 2:16 PM

2:16 PM – Playing Games – 6:19 PM

6:19 PM – Writing Journal – 6:26 PM

6:26 PM – Preparing Food – 6:37 PM

6:37 PM – Playing Games – 8:37 PM

8:37 PM – Watching Anime – 11:00 PM

11:00 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:26)
Setting Up Today (0:12)
Cleaning Up Room (0:07)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:15)
Web Development Course (1:05)
Game Development Course (1:05)
Cleaning up Aquarium (0:13)
Looking for Gigs (1:01)
Writing Journal (0:28)
Exercising (1:00)

Neutral Hours (9:13)
Sleep (7:14)
Bathroom (0:05)
Dishes (0:06)
Preparing Food (0:35)
Break (0:30)
Eating Food (0:33)
Preparing to Exercise (0:10)

Unproductive Hours (9:19)
Watching Videos (0:53)
Playing Games (6:03)
Watching Anime (2:23)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 7
Python: 5
Web Development: 101
Java: 0
JavaScript: 1
PHP: 1
Programming: 4
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 2

Tuesday, April 17th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Previous Day's Photos
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Move "All Journals" to fit under website theme
Create Sitemap for Site
Improve Site SEO
Add Markdown for all github projects
Update Favicon

Steps Taken: 4215
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 2225
Drawings: 3

4:19 AM

Oh man, I wasted yesterday. I didn't do anything productive, at least, after around 2 PM. I'm glad I didn't get sick though for running out in the cold rain yesterday, I think I should feel fortunate enough just for that. Anyway, I woke up very early today so I can get a lot of work done this morning before anyone else is even awake.

Let's try it out, we'll see if I can last throughout the day being productive after waking up so early.

5:18 AM

Whew. So far it's been around an hour and I got these things done: Clean up room, upload previous day's entry, upload previous days' photos. The day is still full and ahead of me, so I'm going to keep on working through. There's so much left to do today that I have to make up for not doing anything yesterday.

I haven't brushed my teeth or showered in a while again though, so I will do that now.

5:46 AM

Alright, cool. Time to get started on the day by taking an hour of the web development course. Right now I'm learning PHP, or relearning it basically since it's been several years since I wrote any, and so far I learned about variables, if statements, for loops, and about arrays. The basic stuff. I wrote about all I learned in my notes, which I am planning on making a program that would just automatically convert these into HTML pages. For now they're not on the site, but I do take notes for practically every course I'm taking and everything I start doing.

1:17 PM

Seriously? That last time I wrote in this journal was at 5:46 AM? Holy moly. That was such a long time ago. I haven't really done that much since then, I think. So let me start off with what I did first this morning. Mainly I cleaned up my room, uploaded my entries and photos, took a shower, brushed my teeth, ate food, etc.

Then I did around an hour of PHP development, I mainly learned how to use While loops in PHP and also how to send mail. This shouldn't have taken me an hour, but I was experimenting a bit and having fun with the while loops and the sending mail function. I even went through a few different ways of iterating through arrays using a while loop, and with the mail function I was able to get mail to be sent from an email address created on the server, it's so cool.

Afterwards I did an hour of game development. I used unity and was able to create a level, just like a simple 3d plane level, and I put a main character in it, just a first person character. And you could just walk around this stage. It was all part of the standard assets pack too so I didn't really do any development or do anything difficult here. Then I added some invisible walls to the stage so the character couldn't fall off. I mean in the way I describe it, this should have taken around 5 minutes at the most, and it should have, but I guess it took me an hour.

Then I ate some food, and I had a 'break', and then I continued to study, although I felt really sleepy while studying and took a nap. To be honest, reading through these college textbooks is so freaking boring. I fell asleep because I couldn't freaking stay awake to read it. It's so freaking boring and I don't even know if I'm properly learning the material. Oh well. I basically just did some of the reading, and I did the homework assignment.

That was it so far. Now it's 1:23 PM and I have to do another hour of college courses, and then I have to draw, and then exercise. So basically I just have to do three more things and then I'm done for the day and I can do anything. Just three more things. Let's go. Time to do the next college course.

2:35 PM

Oh gosh my head hurts. I've just spent the past hour studying software engineering and it is soooooooooo freaaaaaaaaaaaking booooooooooooring. It's just a bunch of processes and steps and so on. It's this plan for project management where you're building websites for clients and you have to go through a step-by-step process in order to deliver it to them without any errors. I already use unit testing when I'm developing and that works for me, this UML and water fall modeling and freaking rapid prototyping development is giving me a headache. Why do I need to know this and why is it so freaking technical? WHY? WHY!

So there you go. I am now very tired. I'm going to take a nap I guess, and then draw, and then exercise later at night, and then I'll be done for the day. I'm going to have fun drawing just whatever I want to draw.

4:10 PM

Finally! That one hour of drawing was sure a lot more fun than both of the school course sessions I had to go through where I had to read through the very complicated text books. Why are they so complicated?

Drawing is a lot of fun, it's hard, challenging, I realize that my hands are not that steady or accurate. I mess up often. But following tutorials, I can pretty much draw anything. What's really hard is to come up with a drawing yourself. There's a lot of tedious process involved in learning how to draw, but I enjoy doing it.

5:47 PM

Geez I didn't realize it took me over an hour to update the "All Journals" page of the site. Well, to be honest, that wasn't the old thing I worked on. I also worked on changing the font for the site and I redesigned some of the color a bit, and I wrote an update. I still can't believe an hour passed though and that was the only thing I worked on. I figured if I knew exactly what to do, it would have taken just a few minutes.

The site looks a little bit better now though. I think. It has a favicon added so it looks nice and clean now. The text is more legible because it's now using a non-cursive font, except, the homepage now looks really lame and plain. There's absolutely no design at all to the site, it looks like. It's such a simplistic design. I dunno.

I'm going to see if I can also generate a Sitemap for the website. Let's see if I remember how to do this properly.

6:17 PM

Wow I got a decent amount of things done today... Should I also work on the site SEO? That's something that definitely needs improving as the site currently has no SEO right now basically. Well, there's not really anything in there that is too crazy. I mean there's just my journal entries mainly. That's the only content I provide for the most part... So there's not really much to update there.

Hmm. I could work on the "Contact" page and create a php form that allows users to send me a message by filling it out. That would be pretty cool.

Since I'm on a backlog streak, I'm going to keep on going. I'm going to now add SEO to my pages, there's just like 31 pages or so. Let's go.

6:42 PM

Wow. I did everything I wanted to do today. I thought that SEO part was going to be hard, but I went through it, and it wasn't that hard at all. I also found out from an SEO analysis website, that I have nearly 400k backlinks pointing to my site... well, pointing to expired pages on the site. There's around 398k pages pointing to my site which I guess isn't that much by today's standards, but back then (5 years ago), that was a legendary amount.

I guess I should be proud of what I had accomplished in the past, but this is the present today, and I feel so behind in everything. I've done a lot of work, but nothing to really show for it. I'm just another person.

I guess the only thing really hard left for me to do tonight would be to go outside and exercise, but it's so freaking cold, and it's starting to get dark. Sigh. This is what I get for delaying it. but I have to do this if I want to have a very productive day today. A 'very productive day' meaning that I got everything done in my task list.

So that's what I'll do, I guess. I'll take a walk outside right now so that I don't delay until it gets really dark. Then I can come back and play games or whatever, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all. I already got a lot done in my backlog today.

There's still the homework assignments I have due for the class tomorrow night, but even if I don't get those done, I don't think I will care that much. Anyway, guess I'll prepare now to go outside.

7:40 PM

Well I'm back. I just walked around for a while and then went back home. I didn't do much. I did really enjoy the outside scenery though and some ideas did come to mind. I'm going to write these ideas down so that I don't forget them.

There we go. These ideas mainly have to do with things I should do so I can earn an income, so yeah. Those are pretty simple ideas too, but hard to implement. For example, an idea came to mind about writing a book. I mean how hard is it to publish one? I think I would like to publish a book before I die.

I also came up with the idea of creating a 'Goals' list on the website or somewhere else, for goals that I would like to attain over my short lifetime. I say 'short' lifetime but it doesn't really matter how long I live, no matter how long I live it won't be enough. I probably won't even make it to the year 2100 even though I would love to see that year. I don't think I'd make it.

Then afterwards, when 2100 does happen, I mean, I would have already stopped mattering a while ago. Albert Einstein for example was born in 1879, so he got to see the turn of the 20th century. During his time, he probably thought 'oh wow, this is the latest of the latest. We have these mechanical and engine technologies, we have the best technology around and I can't imagine what digital phones or the Internet are' not those exact words, but basically that idea. He couldn't have imagined what a laptop would be or video games or anything like that, these things would have been mind blowing to him.

If I don't live to see 2100, I probably won't even see those kinds of technologies emerging either. It kind of sucks and it's kind of sad, well, not... not really. Oh well. I mean, if you are reading this, you are a mortal. Welcome to the world. We'll both depart at some point. It doesn't matter if somehow in the future they find a way to make people live to 200, it's still at some point people die. Living to 200 might actually suck, because then, people would be way too dependent on technology and would infinitely fear death even more so than I do.

I have already accepted death as something that happens to all of us. When it happens, we're no longer here. But I've learned to tackle it with curiosity. I mean, death... death I think, will pretty much be painless, no matter how much suffering one goes through in the process. Once death occurs, then all the suffering and the pain and the energy and everything, goes. Everything goes.

We come and go. Each one of us an individual, each one of us unique. Here for a brief moment, and then gone the next. Even those that lived to be 100+ years old, to them, life still seemed too short. Despite our advances, and in the future the people today will probably be looked upon as primitive people, we still haven't beaten death, I don't think we ever will. Everyone has tried. Everyone, and every creature, has tried to beat death. No one, no thing, no creature, no object, no god, no being, has ever beaten death, it is the unbeatable.

I enjoyed today though. I got everything in my task list done today. That's the first time in forever. I'm glad. I'm excited. Time for me to eat some food and chill out for a little bit. Then I might play some games, as I have already completed what I had to do today. Sure I can continue to work, and maybe that is the smart thing to do, but.... Man. I really think I should work again, but at the same time, I feel deprived in a way that I feel like only my bad habits can cure.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 4:12 AM

4:12 AM – Setting Up Today – 4:19 AM

4:19 AM – Writing Journal – 4:21 PM

4:21 PM – Cleaning Up Room – 4:24 AM

4:24 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 4:33 AM

4:33 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 5:18 AM

5:18 AM – Writing Journal – 5:20 AM

5:20 AM – Brushing Teeth and Flossing – 5:25 AM

5:25 AM – Taking a Shower – 5:46 AM

5:46 AM – Writing Journal – 5:49 AM

5:49 AM – Web Development Course – 6:07 AM

6:07 AM – Bathroom – 6:13 AM

6:13 AM – Web Development Course – 6:43 AM

6:43 AM – Nap – 7:23 AM

7:23 AM – Making Bed – 7:27 AM

7:27 AM – Web Development Course – 8:04 AM

8:04 AM – Game Development Course – 9:08 AM

9:08 AM – Preparing Food – 9:20 AM

9:20 AM – Eating Food – 9:38 AM

9:38 AM – Break – 10:38 AM

10:38 AM – Watching Videos – 11:25 AM

11:25 AM – Communications and Networking – 11:50 AM

11:50 AM – Nap – 12:08 PM

12:08 PM – Communications and Networking – 1:17 PM

1:17 PM – Writing Journal – 1:24 PM

1:24 PM – Software Engineering – 1:29 PM

1:29 PM – Communications and Networking – 1:34 PM

1:34 PM – Software Engineering – 2:35 PM

2:35 PM – Writing Journal -2:37 PM

2:37 PM – Nap – 3:02 PM

3:02 PM – Preparing to Exercise - 3:05 PM

3:05 PM – Bathroom – 3:10 PM

3:10 PM – Drawing – 4:10 PM

4:10 PM – Writing Journal – 4:12 PM

4:12 PM – Playing Games – 4:14 PM

4:14 PM – Updating Favicon – 4:39 PM

4:39 PM – Moving "All Journals" page to fit under current theme – 5:47 PM

5:47 PM – Writing Journal – 5:52 PM

5:52 PM – Generating Site Sitemap – 6:06 PM

6:06 PM – Adding Markdown for github projects – 6:17 PM

6:17 PM – Writing Journal – 6:20 PM

6:20 PM – Adding SEO to Website – 6:42 PM

6:42 PM – Writing Journal – 6:48 PM

6:48 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 6:53 PM

6:53 PM – Exercising – 7:40 PM

7:40 PM – Writing Journal – 7:52 PM

7:52 PM – Eating Food – 8:12 PM

8:12 PM – Playing Games – 11:00 PM

11:00 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (10:39)
Setting Up Today (0:07)
Writing Journal (0:44)
Cleaning Up Room (0:03)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:09)
Uploading Previous Days' Photos (0:45)
Web Development Course (1:25)
Game Development Course (1:04)
Communications and Networking (1:39)
Software Engineering (1:06)
Drawing (1:00)
Updating Favicon (0:25)
Moving "All Journals" Page (1:08)
Generating Site Sitemap (0:14)
Adding Markdown for Github Projects (0:11)
Adding SEO to Website (0:22)
Exercising (0:47)

Neutral Hours (9:08)
Sleep (5:11)
Brushing Teeth and Flossing (0:05)
Taking a Shower (0:21)
Bathroom (0:11)
Nap (0:40)
Making Bed (0:04)
Preparing Food (0:12)
Eating Food (0:38)
Break (1:00)
Nap (0:43)
Preparing to Exercise (0:08)

Unproductive Hours (3:37)
Watching Videos (0:47)
Playing Games (2:50)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 104
Java: 0
JavaScript: 1
PHP: 2
Programming: 6
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 3

Wednesday, April 18th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Make video on how to insert citations and bibliography into word

Steps Taken: 0
Lines of Code: 30
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 5071
Drawings: 0

12:34 PM

Alright so I just browsed the Internet for a while and just looked up more information about death again. This time I read about what a person who actually died twice experienced while being dead. He said it was mainly just a state of nothingness, a blackness of not experiencing anything.

I wrote before about a way to conquer the fear of death, and that is to be curious about it and to be able to accept it wholeheartedly. I think that belief and way of thinking is still strong and can offer a valid resistance against the fear of death, but the idea of 'knowing' that death will just be eternal darkness, might actually dispel that kind of thinking. Death however will still be nothing to fear even after 'knowing' what happens after death, because it won't matter either way.

Another calming factor in death is that we all experience it. Sure we may die alone, but we aren't the only ones who will die. It may be comforting to realize that no matter who it is, they will die at some point too. I remember the saying of "whether you're king of a street sweeper sooner or later you'll dance with the reaper", and I couldn't relate to that. I'm not a king or a street sweeper, and kings are medieval, not even relevant to today's age.

A better saying might be that "it doesn't matter whether you're the richest man in the world or if you have everyone knowing you and obeying your every command and if you had everything you ever wanted, and if you actually owned the entire world and universe as you own the title for it, you still die in the end." Even though that saying doesn't quite roll off the tongue, I think it's more relevant, and it can be relevant during any time period.

Ah. So today has been a productive day for the most part. I woke up early, not as early as yesterday, but early on average. Then I got to work right away. The main difference between today and yesterday was that I didn't take a "break", which takes up a lot of time. I also didn't eat any food until later on. Now I just have to do one hour of software engineering, one hour of drawing, and then I'll technically be done for the day. The exercise and uploading photos bit, is very easy.

Also, I actually learned a lot today, more-so than yesterday. I think I'm starting to get used to this process, and I was able to fully commit myself to each one of the courses for the hour in length. In the communications and networking course for example, I spent my time in full concentration reading the content and taking the quizzes and doing the assignments. I was fully into it, despite it being 'boring' or me understanding that it was boring, I didn't complain, I just tackled it, and learned.

Same with the web development course and the game development courses that I'm taking. I actually got so into them and was learning so much, that I wanted to keep on going. I wanted to keep on going for the communications and networking course as well. I didn't want to stop, I wanted to keep on grinding through. In fact, after I finish my drawing, I'm most likely going to go back to the communications and networking and software engineering courses to finish up on what I need to finish. There are assignments due tonight that I haven't done yet, and I need to do that today.

2:52 PM

Interesting. So I now have 61 subscribers in my MegawattApps YOUTUBE CHANNEL! LOLOOLOLOLOLOLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. I have 203 in my JustMegawatt channel, which I don't really care that much about....BUT, I'm just so shocked that my like, was it, 1 month or so of effort on MegawattApps, LEAD TO FREAKING 61 SUBSCRIBERS!!!! WOWOWO!

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not that much and I can brag about having over 1200 subscribers throughout all my YouTube channels, but I'm really psyched for my 61 subscribers on JustMegawatt because WOW. I was there from the beginning. I was there when the channel had 0 subscribers (as if I wasn't there for the rest?), but I just vividly remember having 0 subscribers, and then I made some videos, thinking I would maybe get 5 subscribers with luck, and boom... 61 freaking subscribers...

I uploaded the video to my JustMegawatt channel by the way, and not my MegawattApps channel, because my MegawattApps one is more for programming, I guess. But yeah, the subscribers coming out of nowhere, just shocked me.

And why did I make the video anyway? Spur of the moment. I was studying, suddenly I had this idea... suddenly I was just recording, I wasn't in full control of myself. The video which was about how to add citations and bibliography to Word documents, was not planned or anything.

3:08 PM

Well my mom is staying at home for work today because she had an appointment this afternoon and I guess took the day off. So she was here with me throughout most of the day, my parents went out to exercise around 8 AM, and I was studying at that point. Then my mom just left around 12 PM and came back around just recently, maybe an hour ago.

So for fun, just as a random thing, I decided to show her the website and the progress so far on it. she had this opinion of me where I was wasting my time yesterday, and I overheard her on the phone this morning with some relatives talking about how I was just staying at home playing games all day. WTF!! I was so annoyed by that comment, and I could prove her wrong by simply just showing my time log of all the activities I did. Well that's what I did.

So now my mom knows of my website and she can now read all my thoughts and read about everything I do. it was fun showing her, because I was showing off the responsive features of the website being able to work on any sized browser, and I also showed her my portfolio and the videos and things I made from 2006. Geez that was over 10 years ago.

Anyway, now my work is basically public to at least one person I know in real life.

3:33 PM

Awesome, I just got news back from the recruiter that there's possibly an interview for me and we're setting up the schedule for one now, it might take place either Friday or Monday. We'll see how I do haha. I am definitely nervous.

Also, I'm wondering if they have taken a look at my journal or if they have just seen my portfolio haha. Why the heck do I have to record everything? My mom was laughing when she saw how meticulously I had everything recorded. Oh well.

5:35 PM

It took me nearly three hours to figure out what the answer was for that one assignment. It was supposed to take around five minutes at the most, but I had to read through a good amount of the textbook, and since the textbook was very technical, I would get lost. And so I went around basically not knowing exactly anything, but finally I got an answer, and I'm not sure if the answer was correct, but it's better than not having an answer.

Man. The class is far from over though. I still have to write an essay for the class. For both classes actually, both have to be 2-3 pages long, and they're essays. I don't think I'm going to get any drawing in today. I mean, one hour of drawing... that's quite a lot to ask for. One hour of everything... all equally valued.

I don't know if that's the right way or not. For now though I'm going to take a break and play a game for a while. While playing it, I'm going to contemplate whether I should uninstall it for all time or not.

10:25 PM

Well I just played some games for nearly 5 hours straight. I played MapleStory and Ragnarok Online. I played MapleStory for about 4 hours and 15 straight or so, I played Ragnarok Online for maybe 10 minutes before quitting, and I had some breaks, very minor and brief breaks, that lasted maybe 15 minutes total.

Let me write about my experience. I remember playing MapleStory back in 2005-2006, I even played a little bit in 2007 and maybe 2008. MapleStory was this huge game with millions of players, and it was so popular, everyone was having fun playing. It's this very addicting 2D game where you play a character and you go around fighting monsters and the goal was to deal as much damage as possible (that's what made it addicting). As you leveled up, you gained more skill points and more stat points, which allowed you to do more damage.

It was also a very social game. There were hundreds of players on the screen at once in some areas, and there were a lot of really nice and rare items and boss battles that people wanted to get to. Also, it took forever to level up. To get to level 10 in MapleStory probably took around 4-5 hours grinding, I'm not joking. It took me at least a day or two back in the day, to get out of Beginner (Maple) Island. Also to pick a class back in the day was ridiculous. You had to get to level 10, and then you had to walk over to the class trainer.

You could get lost so easily as there were several cities to get to, and if you wanted to be, let's say a mage, you wouldn't get easy directions to get there. Also, it would take forever to get places! You always had to walk, and the navigation spells the classes had (only thieves and mages had navigational benefits), were pretty limited in their power and they also cost a lot of mana. So potions were a huge thing in of the old MapleStory. You had to take potions all the time, and also money was hard to get in the game.

People actually traded items, rare items, for money. That's how rare money was in that game, despite it being an unlimited commodity. In another game, for example Diablo II, the money in that game became worthless because there was so much, and it had no use case. You didn't buy anything in Diablo II other than potions, but in MapleStory, you bought everything with its ingame money and other players wanted it, and so it was this rare (yet unlimited) thing. Due to its unlimited nature, items basically inflated over time, but pretty slowly.

Everything was a million times more difficult in the old MapleStory. First, leveling up was an impossibility compared to today. I played for over 4 hours straight, okay, but I got to level 76, 79? Around there. I was level 31 from yesterday, but I managed to gain over 40 levels in just a few hours, barely knowing what I was doing. This... this is legendary speed compared to back in the day. Gaining even one level in four hours, that was hard. That was really freaking hard.

Like I said before, you actually needed potions in the game. You needed mana to cast any spell, and if you wanted to kill a monster fast you had to use a spell, so your mana would be drained nearly instantly after just a few casts. I'm not joking, you would probably cast a spell 5 times before having to pot and you would do this over and over again. It was a long grind to get to any level. There were also barely any quests, MapleStory was infamous for its lack of quests. It was a grindfest of a game, and yet millions of people still played it.

Now the game is so easy. I just saw a video from back in the day about a person summoning a demon monster in one of the more populated cities in the game, and the demon monster was basically killing everyone (it's some bug or misused feature at the time, but summoning a demon was hard since you needed this very rare item so it was almost never done). The guy who summoned Balrog was level 120, and I saw him attacking Balrog and doing around 4000 damage? So weak. I was doing like 11,000+ damage today having very weak gear and being in the level 70s. I would probably be able to kill that demon in a few hits without it harming me at all... no joke...

So the game difficulty dropped significantly in the new MapleStory. For some reason they made the EXP rates extremely high compared to back then. For example, getting to my level, let's say getting to level 70, was a dream for many people back in the day. It was a dream. People had set goals in their life to get to level 70, as that was when you would get the next upgrade for your class, giving you new spells and abilities (you only get them at level 10, 30, and 70 back in the day, later another upgraded was added for 120).

There was this one player named Tiger. Well, I have to give credit to the top 5 players at the time, freaking legends. These guys were heroes, legends, whatever you want to call them. I still remember them. There was this ranking on the official website that listed the rankings of people from lowest to highest level. Back when MapleStory was new, no one in the world had reached the maximum level ever (level 200), and it would actually be a few years, several years, before anyone would reach it, because like I said, getting to level 70 would have taken a year or around that, probably. I mean the highest I got was to level 44 or so, and I played for many many many months. I even got the NX Cards and bought the 2x exp gain cards, and I was just level 44.

So there's these five players who were top ranking in the world for being the highest level, the first was Tiger. Then there was CurryIsHot, then Suuushi, and I forgot the 4th guy, but then there was FangBlade who came out of nowhere (and who would eventually supersede Tiger). But yeah, Tiger was a legend. There's some videos of him being in the 80s levels, and he was already far beyond everyone else. There was a rumor going around that it was five people playing that one account, because his levelling speed was impossible to match.

I'm reading someone's posting about how hard it was to level back then, and he describes level 71 to level 200 as being so difficult that each kill (even monsters the same level or higher than you) would only get you 0.0001% EXP or less. I think that's a lot, actually. It felt a lot worse than that. But he describes how, when you die, you would lose 10% of the EXP bar for that level. So let's say you only built up 5% EXP to the next level, if you die, you lose it all, it goes to 0, anything below 10% goes to 0, and if it's say 15%, it goes to 5%. That could have meant weeks or months worth of leveling. Holy. Crap. Dying once, meant you lost weeks to a month's worth of non-stop grinding.

Were people just more patient back then? I have no idea how anyone could do that. It was so crazy and so difficult. The guy writes that getting from level 199 to 200, was the equivalent of levelling up from 1 to 100. Geez. It took me months to get to level 44, and it actually takes all of that and more, to get to level 100. I wanted to be level 70, and get the 'third job' upgrade. I wanted to unlock all the cool new spells at that level, because you received some very powerful and cool looking spells at that level (and the game was mainly about doing damage and casting a bunch of cool spells).

But yeah, I got all of that today at a fast pace. I played, I got to level 70, and I unlocked my level 70 spells I have always wanted to get as a kid. Yay. Dream come true! Then I played it for a few hours, and I was like, oh man, this is kinda boring. I was just killing some monsters over and over again to gain even more levels. Yeah I had the cool and awesome spells I always wanted to have, but I was doing the same thing, just using new spells.

With that, I decided to quit. For good. I had fun with MapleStory, it was a great game back in the day. Not as great as World of Warcraft or Warcraft 3 or Diablo II, but it was equal to games like Gunz and RuneScape, and it was better than games like Tibia, Dragon Gem, Grand Chase, Puzzle Pirates, Grand Chase, Survival Project, Lunia, and others. I'm just naming some games off the top of my head that I played back in the day in the late 2000s. I spent several years of my life playing these games, especially Warcraft 3. I spent a lot of time playing all of these games, but I spent more time in Warcraft 3 than any other. Thousands of hours were dedicated to that one game alone. I could've been a master web developer or artist in exchange for those hours. Oh well.

In Warcraft alone actually, I had played well over 10,000 games. I had so many replays. Hundreds, thousands of replays, and I had thousands of maps in my game folder as well. These "maps" were basically individual games themselves, made with the Warcraft 3 world editor, that allowed you to build custom stages for the game, called "maps". But these stages were fully programmable and customizable, so every map was unique, and every map had its own set of rules and gameplay mechanics. Despite it being a strategy game meant to be played in eagle eye view, there were first person games in Warcraft 3, there were racing games, RPG games, and in fact Tower Defense and DoTA originated from Warcraft 3, thanks to its superior level customization ability.

So I played Warcraft 3, but at the same time, it was more like I was playing a 'game engine'. Because Warcraft 3 allowed for so many other game ideas to come to fruition. It was super easy to make games too. I did it. I made this really fun assassin game where you played as this swordsman and the more you attacked, the faster your attacks became, to the point that you could just attack like 100 times in a single second, where the animation for your character would just be one frame moving and alternating and suddenly all this damage appearing on screen like a waterfall. It was crazy how much customization there was.

So Maps aren't supposed to record your progress or anything, like every time you started a game it was supposed to be from scratch. That's why DoTA, every time you joined a new dota game, it would be like playing the game again from the beginning as if nothing changed. Well people broke this rule as well, by introducing save and load codes. So now you can type in "-save" in the game, and a code would appear. You write down this code, and you could load it later, and you would gain back your hero, your EXP, your items, gold, everything, from the previous game. With this system, people were able to create full RPG storylines sort of like mini-MMOs inside of the game, where you play a character, level him up, then when you're done, just save, and then load later.

It was so dynamic and fun. I learned about Ragnarok Online through one of these custom games, and it was supposed to have every Ragnarok city and classes and everything. That's where my mind was blown. Because you can also read custom documentation per map inside of the game by pressing F9. I would read this whenever playing a new map, as it would have useful information. Inside of the Ragnarok map the help documentation listed out all the classes and class advancements, and I was so freaking blown away by how many classes there were. Oh my gosh, I wanted to play them all.

I think I only played this Ragnarok Online map in Warcraft 3 just one time, and I got to the highest class for whatever class route I selected, but I still remember playing that game vividly. I don't remember everything that happened, but I just remember my experience playing it and having fun. It was so fun. I knew about Ragnarok Online before, but it was this paid game where you had to pay monthly to play, so I never played it. But playing this Warcraft 3 map of it, that was mind blowingly fun.

So for no reason, I looked it up online, and found that it was available on Steam for free today. Wow!! I installed it while playing MapleStory. After MapleStory got boring, I played Ragnarok Online. I was so excited to play it, but the interface is old, and the gameplay style feels outdated. The UI and controls was what killed it for me, they were so outdated and it felt like they were using some very old game engine, which they were. The graphics were nice in Ragnarok, and I bet the story and gameplay is nice too, but the interface, terrible. I quit the game shortly after playing.

But yeah instead of living a life, I spent my life playing those stupid games. All my hours in Warcraft 3 actually amounted to nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had the time of my life while playing it, many friends were created, I had so many adventures. Oh yeah, three other games available in Steam that also originated from Warcraft 3: Legion TD (now on Steam, started off as a Warcraft 3 map), Town of Salem (originally a Warcraft 3 map called Mafia, literally everything is ripped off from it, everything), and well, I had to look up Town of Salem and I read some comments, and now I don't remember what the third one was. It was an entire genre of gameplay taken from Warcraft 3 though.... Dang it, I'm trying to think.... Ah, Dead by Daylight, completely taken from this game called "Maniac with Saw" in Warcraft 3, everything is the same.

There were so many game ideas and concepts taken from Warcraft 3, and put else where. Like I said; Tower Defense, Defense of the Ancients, Legion TD, Town of Salem, and Dead by Daylight. All originated from Warcraft 3. You could play all these games for free in Warcraft 3, absolutely free. The engine in Warcraft 3 probably worked better, and it was just as equally fun. Hmm, there are also a lot of ideas and things now that still haven't been taken away from Warcraft 3 yet.

I'm talking about "Tag" games, or "Hero Defense" games or "Defend the X" games or games like "Metastasis" (I actually do think this game concept was already taken, I just don't know any examples off the top of my head), "Tower Wars", "RP Maps" (literally where every player in that game collaborates to create the world to roleplay in. That's mindblowing now thinking about it, that you could give players in-game abilities to design the world), "God" maps, "Arena" maps, "Murder in the X" maps, "Hide and Seek", "Gladiator Arena", "Party" games, etc, etc.

I loved those. I became good at every single one of them. Like, I would be above average in every single one of them, and I had a very good chance at winning entire games. It wasn't a surprising thing for me to just be the victor at most games I played. I loved Sheep Tag. I loved Winter Maul wars. Julien's RPG (hah that was a classic game I actually made a review video for). Crop Circle TD. Dark DEEDS!! OMG. Dark Deeds. Vampirism.

Wow. Dark Deeds. That was a deep map. One of the most complex maps I've ever played. It... it required a lot of strategy, and survival skills... Oh yeah, survival maps like Island Troll Tribes. Both of those game types were very difficult. You basically started off with nothing, and you had to gather resources to build a base, kill animals and plant crops for food, etc. They were both survival games, in Island Troll Tribes you fought against the other teams, and there were classes with their own specialties like "Shaman" or "Voodoo doctor" or "hunter" or "warrior", etc.

But Dark Deeds, that was one of the most complex games I have played. I never became good at it. Someone else always carried. It was just hard to play. Basically, you start off the game in front of a castle, and then there's usually around 7-12 players in a game, and at the start it's morning and everyone splits off to make their base somewhere, there are no teams, you have barely any vision of anything, and yeah you can team and build with others but that's risky. Because at night time, and this is the scary part, one of the players turns into a monster (it could be a werewolf, vampire, witch, etc).

These monsters were far stronger than the player's normal farmer characters, and to win, the players had to kill the monster. For the monster to win, he had to kill all the players. The monster can't just go and kill everyone though, because in the morning, he turns back into a normal person, and this is when the other players can retaliate by building armies and attacking the player's base. Also, it's like a lifetime passes in the game, because to actually build an army, you first get married, and then you have kids, if the kid is a male, you can train him to be a soldier. So it's not like you'd have a large army, but still more than just your one character.

There were thousands of maps in Warcraft 3 for every subject under the sun. Anime maps were super popular, you had games like "One Piece vs Naruto" or "Bleach Wars" or "One Piece vs Naruto vs Reborn", basically any anime you can name, there's probably a map for it. The largest map database is, and keep in mind Warcraft 3 came out in 2002, but if I go on the site, I can see maps still being developed for it today. How... in... the.... World?!?

Oh. I forgot about LOAP. That was a classic Warcraft 3 map. LOAP was incredibly fun, and there were so many maps like it. There was also X Hero Siege. Darwin's Island. Peon Wars. Zone Control. Element TD. Stronghold TD. I loved all these games. They were so much fun. Warcraft 3 was like Steam, but a lot more games and a lot more copyright freedom (games like Diablo 3 or Warcraft IV or Starcraft 2 before these games came out, were coming out in Warcraft and they looked and played amazingly. Also the anime maps, there were also lord of the rings maps, and star wars maps, and counter strike games, etc.). I'm really saddened that barely anyone knows what I'm talking about though.

It is the best game of all time. I still can play it today, and it would feel better than most other games. It was seriously genre-breaking. So many new game paradigms and creativity came out from that game. It's kind of unheard of, 'games' coming out within another game... ah. There were so many game types.

Poke the Angry Ogre. Don't Move. Mutating Aeon. That was a classic. I loved Mutating Aeon. It was so ridiculously stupid which is what made it fun. There's not even any videos of it, or screenshots, or anything. So if you 'hosted' a popular map, like Sheep Tag or Dota, a lot of people would join. If you hosted a game no one has heard about and it had a weird title, like Mutating Aeon, then very few people would join.

Mutating Aeon was an Aeon of Strife map, so it was like Dota. The difference is that the skills and characters in Mutating Aeon were so freaking unique and overpowered. I loved the creativity of the characters you could choose from because they all had unique skills, and they all had funny as hell descriptions. So the characters or "Heroes" you choose are supposed to be these unique yet powerful individuals, but in Mutating Aeon you could choose, for example, "White Guy" and he had an ability called "Solve Problems with Credit Card" and there was even "Asian Guy" and he had this ability called "Mathematics Calculations", and so on. I don't even remember the other heroes, I just remembered the racist ones because I laughed out loud so loud at those descriptions of their spells, and I think there was also a robot guy, and some mages, and ninja guys.

No one played it though. No one. No one has even heard of it, no one ever played it, but I had really good memories of it because of how funny it was. Anyway, another awesome feature in Warcraft 3 was "Replays". Basically every game you played, could be saved. Every word, every action, everything you did in that game and same with everyone else's actions, would be saved, sort of like a video. Except you had free control of this video, you could move anywhere, you can click and view and see what resources and things people had at certain times and what they bought or did. It was ingenious.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM – Bathroom – 6:38 AM

6:38 AM – Setting Up Today – 6:48 AM

6:48 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 6:53 AM

6:53 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Web Developer Course – 8:22 AM

8:22 AM – Game Development Course – 9:33 AM

9:33 AM – Communications and Networking Course – 10:53 AM

10:53 AM – Software Engineering Course – 11:02 AM

11:02 AM – Preparing Food – 11:05 AM

11:05 AM – Eating Food – 11:25 AM

11:25 AM – Browsing Internet – 11:33 AM

11:33 AM – Preparing Food – 11:37 AM

11:37 AM – Browsing Internet – 12:34 PM

12:34 PM – Writing Journal – 12:48 PM

12:48 PM – Wasting Time – 12:54 PM

12:54 PM – Software Engineering Course – 12:56 PM

12:56 PM – Preparing Food – 12:58 PM

12:58 PM – Eating Food – 1:17 PM

1:17 PM – Preparing Food – 1:19 PM

1:19 PM – Eating Food – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Software Engineering Course – 1:27 PM

1:27 PM – Bathroom – 1:35 PM

1:35 PM – Software Engineering Course – 2:13 PM

2:13 PM – Recording a Video – 2:36 PM

2:36 PM – Uploading Video – 2:52 PM

2:52 PM – Writing Journal – 2:57 PM

2:57 PM – Showing Mom Website – 3:08 PM

3:08 PM – Writing Journal – 3:15 PM

3:15 PM – Emails – 3:23 PM

3:23 PM – Talking to Mom – 3:33 PM

3:33 PM – Writing Journal – 3:36 PM

3:36 PM – Wasting Time – 3:42 PM

3:42 PM – Software Engineering Course – 5:35 PM

5:35 PM – Writing Journal – 5:40 PM

5:40 PM – Playing Video Game – 10:25 PM

10:25 PM – Writing Journal – 11:56 PM

11:56 PM – Taking Photos – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:43)
Setting Up Today (0:10)
Cleaning Up Room (0:05)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:13)
Web Developer Course (1:18)
Game Development Couse (1:11)
Communications and Networking Course (1:20)
Software Engineering Course (2:44)
Writing Journal (1:58)
Recording a Video (0:23)
Uploading Video (0:16)
Showing Mom Website (0:11)
Taking Photos (0:03)

Neutral Hours (7:50)
Sleep (6:30)
Bathroom (0:16)
Preparing Food (0:11)
Eating Food (0:45)
Emails (0:08)
Talking to Mom (0:10)

Unproductive Hours (6:02)
Browsing Internet (1:05)
Wasting Time (0:12)
Playing Games (4:45)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 104
Java: 0
JavaScript: 1
PHP: 3
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Thursday, April 19th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Study Java
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Fix or Remove Contact Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github

Steps Taken: 0
Lines of Code: 100
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 2183
Drawings: 0

12:46 AM

Yay I submitted two essays! Woohoo! Now I am very tired and I feel like going to sleep. I'm going to sleep.

8:32 AM

Okay great, I have a full day ahead of me. I didn't quite get the head start I got yesterday, but if I'm able to grind through five hours straight, the results should be even better than yesterday.

I'm just hesitant to actually start because in the web development course I'm taking I'm supposed to just make a contact form on my own knowing what I've learned so far. This is great and all, and I know I can do it, I'm just hesitant and feeling 'lazy' to tackle. Maybe procrastination is what I feel? It's like, I know I can do it, but maybe do it later, because it's going to take a while to do, and it might be just right for my difficulty level where I would get challenged but at the same time not feel like it's too overwhelming to do....

What I started on yesterday was making a contact form for I mean, this is already in my Backlog, so I can get two things done at once... but this lure of "Nooo why do it now when you can do it later?" is strong. Very strong. I went to the kitchen to get some food first, but then I saw that the avocadoes weren't ripe yet, so I lots my appetite right away, and came back empty-handed. I was just really wanting to eat an avocado with rice and beans, that would have been perfect.

Anyway, should I procrastinate? Or should I keep on going? Obviously I know the logical answer... to just shut up and start my day working already. It's easy to think about, and easy to write about. It's harder to actually do it..... You know what? F it. I'm going to do it.

One of the other reasons I'm hesitant is because I've recently started working without any music, when I draw, when I program, when I do anything, even writing, I don't have any music on. It's become a boring stale thing I do when the only thing I concentrate on is that one thing... but then I have music playing in my head, and I really want to play some music as well.

But, that's another battle in my head... playing music... I don't need to play music, but at the same time I greedily want to, but I don't want to personally. It's just my habits talking. I'm going to try working on the contact form without any music. I don't need it to conquer this task.

So, there we go. That was a battle in my head about what I should be doing next. I'm going to work on this contact form, and then afterwards I'll eat as a reward. Okay? That should be fair. Then of course the game development course I'm looking forward to doing, because yesterday I made a stage. You can basically walk around this level and jump on ramps and things, and it's fun. I also made this coin that you can run into but not collect yet, and these objects have collision boxes.

There's two houses in the game, and two ramps, and some random cubes scattered around. I played the game well enough yesterday and tested that you can actually jump on all of the cubes and buildings and ramps and everything. You can get on top of everything in the game, some objects with more difficulty than others. So my idea was to put coins on top of every single object so the player has to jump on all objects to win. But like I said, some objects are harder to get to than others, and might require trying over and over and over again to jump on top of.... Yeah!

So, anyway. I have this interview tomorrow morning. I'm going to have to study some Java tonight to prepare myself for the interview. Then maybe buy some new shoes? Because I don't have any that I think would be appropriate for that interview. Also I'm not even sure what I would be wearing there yet. What should I wear? I remember I wore a suit to my job interview back in late 2014, but when I did the interviewing part on people, no one else actually wore any suits, it looks like they just wore business casual, sometimes straight up casual.

Anyway, I'm going to wear a suit tomorrow for the interview, because I have no idea what else to wear, and I guess it's appropriate for all kinds of interviews, I think. I don't know. I am nervous doing the interview, but from my experience as an interviewer, it's just a human talking to another human. Then afterwards, I would just think about their qualities, I would mainly assess their skills and readiness, and if they were stellar they would pass. Their likability was also important, but it was not easy to assess these things. It was hard to assess their skills just from the resume and interview alone, actual results is what mattered.

Anyway, I'm going to the bathroom for a bit.

1:17 PM

Cool, so I have an interview lined up for tomorrow. I will always feel like I could have done more to prepare. I could have studied so much more instead of playing any video games in any of the past days leading up to this moment. Am I ready? I think so. It is a web development position, so it would be great if I could put in several more hours of web page development today before the interview.

In fact, I am going to keep doing that. I'll just continue practicing web page development today until later tonight, to make sure that I'm fully prepared and that I don't regret something and feel like "oh shoot I didn't learn X!", when I still have the chance to do that now. So I will go ahead and do that now.

Oh, I also downloaded Warcraft 3 again, because I talked about it so much last night. There is this recent patch 1.29 that just came out recently, just last week, that dramatically improves the gameplay elements. For example there is now full widescreen support instead of just the 'boxed window expansion' that it had before. There's also 24 player support now, back then the total limit was just 12 players to one game/map, and now that's doubled. Also, the number of objects and other things in the game editor has been increased, so more doodads and effects can be added to the game... that is INSANE!!

I doubt there's many new things though since the patch literally just came out a week ago, but I can't wait to really see things like 12v12 Footman Wars or other things like that... is 24 players hard to get in a game? Do we still have that many people playing or no?

Also I downloaded this new game called Heroes of the Storm, which is Blizzard's response to the MOBA genre that spawned in Warcraft 3. Of course you can argue this started off in Starcraft, but no, Aeon of Strife wasn't that popular, and it was glitchy and it was barely updated. I think DoTA really started off that genre. I'm surprised they got any money at all to be honest to make the entire Dota 2 game. I don't even know where that money came from as Dota is basically a free to play game inside of Warcraft 3. Where'd they get the funding to make a full fledged independent game from that? Despite it being extremely popular, I'm still shocked it turned out to be what it did.

So now I can try out both Warcraft 3 and Heroes of the Storm after I'm done studying. That is some great motivation. I don't want to play the games forever, I just want to try them out and get that experience in. Warcraft 3 was so much fun. Those were the legendary days. Warcraft 3 was the focal point of video games at one point. It was the best, best, best, best, game ever made. People still play it today freaking 16 years later. I don't doubt that even 16 years later from today people will still be playing Warcraft 3, although I'd be in my 40s by then. Wow. Just 16 years from now, I'd be in my 40s. yeah.

16 years isn't that long. But I'd be a 40 year old, 16 years later. That's quite a lot to take in. Me as a 40 year old? Why I never... whew... that's a lot to imagine... Being 40 years old, eh? I don't... I don't want that.... Can I not sign up for it? Gosh, just 16 years. It's not even that long. And then I'm 40. Just like that. No second chances at being a 20 year old again.

And... who knows what will happen in those 16 years though? I don't know. I guess that's what happened to the band Blink 182 though, they made their song "What's my age again?" in 1999 or around there, when they were around 23-24 years old... and now it's been 18-19 years. So it just went by, just like that, all those years. I haven't even heard any more hits from them since then, I think. Just that song, "Dammit", "All the Small Things", and "Adam's Song".

I'm always shocked and surprised, there were all these big hit names in the early 2000s, in the 90s, in the 80s, etc, but where are they today? Most artists basically just create one hit, and then they're gone... That's why so many people are called "one-hit wonders" because they make just one awesome hit song, and then they're gone. It's not only for music though, but in basically every other field. I mean, like Boxing or Basketball or another sport, you're only in the spotlight for a short time, and then you're a nobody again.

It's for any and every field out there. Albert Einstein for example, had his miracle year where he accomplished a lifetime's work in one year, and then he lived on for another around 50 years afterwards. What did he do since then? He had his greatest achievements when he was 26, and then became world famous, and then he lived two more lifetimes (he was 26, and he lived around 26 years times 2, more years), but he wasn't able to match his achievements done in that first third of his life. It goes for anybody.

Same with all the big name people out there today. They basically just created one great achievement, and then they manage it, but it's really other people doing the heavier lifting now. For example, big companies, any of the tech companies today, they might have been started off in garages, but they're managed by hundreds of people now who are much more expert than the person who started the company.

So, hit songs require a great deal of luck. I think that goes with any creative task. Everything requires some aspect of luck. It's involved somehow. I mean what happened to my hit videos? I made some hit videos in 2006, and then, poof, I vanished, or it seemed like I did. It sure looked that way to my subscribers. I made a video yesterday for example, and even until now, it has 0 views. ZERO. VIEWS. That's honestly a first.

I remember the feeling back in 2006 during the peak of my popularity I guess, I'd upload a random, terrible, random video, and there were a lot of people subscribed and watching me back then. But I'd upload something stupid, and it'd get like 5000 views in a day, just like that. I felt like I could just upload whatever and people would watch it.

Now if I do the same thing, since I've been 'out of the game' for so long, I upload something, something not so stupid, something that took a bit more effort, and... zero views. Zero. Views. Anyway, I guess I am procrastinating now by continuing to write. I need to work on the contact form, that's all.

8:21 PM

Finally! I finished that contact form. Now I can do pretty much whatever I want now, although I do have two writing assignments due tonight (it shouldn't take that long to do each... maybe 10 minutes each if I'm being honest...), and I have an interview tomorrow.

Maybe I should finish up my writing assignments and the interview form before I do anything else? Yeah. That's a good idea. I'm going to first, maybe eat some food, and then come back to working on the homework assignments. I might even just take a break for an hour, I am a bit tired already.

Yeah, let me take a break for a bit. Maybe eat some food, play some games.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Taking Photos – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:11 AM

12:11 AM – Software Engineering Course – 12:30 AM

12:30 AM – Connections and Networking Course – 12:46 AM

12:46 AM – Writing Journal – 12:47 AM

12:47 AM – Sleep – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Bathroom – 7:38 AM

7:38 AM – Nap – 7:50 AM

7:50 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:56 AM

7:56 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:02 AM

8:02 AM – Reading Previous Day's Entry – 8:16 AM

8:16 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:30 AM

8:30 AM – Preparing Food – 8:32 AM

8:32 AM – Writing Journal – 8:49 AM

8:49 AM – Bathroom – 8:53 AM

8:53 AM – Web Developer Course – 10:08 AM

10:08 AM – Preparing Food – 10:20 AM

10:20 AM – Eating Food – 10:34 AM

10:34 AM – Preparing Food – 10:38 AM

10:38 AM – Eating Food – 10:58 AM

10:58 AM – Watching Videos – 11:14 AM

11:14 AM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 11:24 AM

11:24 AM – Walking Outside – 11:55 AM

11:55 AM – Watching Videos – 12:45 PM

12:45 PM – Looking for References – 1:17 PM

1:17 PM – Writing Journal – 1:50 PM

1:50 PM – Browsing Internet – 2:09 PM

2:09 PM – Creating Contact Form – 3:34 PM

3:34 PM – Watching Videos – 5:20 PM

5:20 PM – Creating Contact Form – 8:21 PM

8:21 PM – Writing Journal – 8:24 PM

8:24 PM – Installing Games – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Eating Food – 8:50 PM

8:50 PM – Watching Videos – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Playing Games – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (8:44)
Taking Photos (0:06)
Setting Up Today (0:11)
Software Engineering Course (0:19)
Connections and Networking Course (0:16)
Writing Journal (0:54)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:14)
Web Developer Course (1:15)
Walking Outside (0:31)
Looking for References (0:32)
Working on Contact Form (4:26)

Neutral Hours (8:43)
Sleep (6:43)
Bathroom (0:12)
Nap (0:12)
Reading Previous Day's Entry (0:14)
Preparing Food (0:18)
Eating Food (0:54)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:10)

Unproductive Hours (6:36)
Watching Videos (2:12)
Browsing Internet (0:19)
Installing Games (0:06)
Playing Games (3:59)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 106
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Friday, April 20th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github

Steps Taken: 925
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2300
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 6:30 AM

6:30 AM - Preparing for Interview 9:30 AM

9:30 AM – Driving to Interview – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Interview 11:30 AM

11:30 AM – Driving Home – 11:50 AM

11:50 AM – Playing Games – 4:30 PM

4:30 PM – Picking up Mom – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM – Playing Games – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:30)
Preparing for Interview (3:00)
Interview (1:30)
Picking Up Mom (1:00)

Neutral Hours (5:20)
Sleep (4:30)
Driving to Interview (0:30)
Driving Home (0:20)

Unproductive Hours (13:59)
Playing Games (13:59)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 106
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Saturday, April 21st 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Website

Steps Taken: 2015
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2800
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 8:58 AM

8:58 AM – Bathroom 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Setting Up Yesterday – 9:23 AM

9:23 AM – Setting Up Today – 9:25 AM

9:25 AM – Bathroom – 9:28 AM

9:28 AM – Setting Up Today – 9:30 AM

9:30 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 9:36 AM

9:36 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Entries – 9:57 AM

9:57 AM – Creating Time Logging Webpage – 10:27 AM

10:27 AM – Refactoring Website – 11:57 AM

11:57 AM – Creating Time Logging Webpage – 12:43 PM

12:43 PM – Bathroom – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Creating Time Logging Webpage – 1:09 PM

1:09 PM – Break – 1:36 PM

1:36 PM – Creating Time Logging Webpage – 2:19 PM

2:19 PM – Preparing Food – 2:23 PM

2:23 PM – Eating Food – 2:29 PM

2:29 PM – Preparing Food – 2:32 PM

2:32 PM – Eating Food – 2:39 PM

2:39 PM – Playing Games – 6:41 PM

6:41 PM – Friend – 10:45 PM

10:45 PM – Playing Games – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:46)
Setting Up Yesterday (0:24)
Setting Up Today (0:04)
Cleaning Up Room (0:06)
Uploading Previous Days' Entries (0:21)
Creating Time Logging Webpage (2:22)
Refactoring Website (1:30)

Neutral Hours (11:57)
Sleep (6:58)
Bathroom (0:08)
Break (0:27)
Preparing Food (0:07)
Eating Food (0:13)
Friend (4:04)

Unproductive Hours (7:16)
Playing Games (7:16)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 109
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Sunday, April 22nd 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Website

Steps Taken: 100
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 4:30 AM

4:30 AM – Sleep – 10:50 AM

10:50 AM – Forms – 11:20 AM

11:20 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 11:23 AM

11:23 AM – Setting Up Today – 11:30 AM

11:30 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 11:41 AM

11:41 AM – Playing Games – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:51)
Forms (0:30)
Cleaning Up Room (0:03)
Setting Up Today (0:07)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:11)

Neutral Hours (5:20)
Sleep (5:20)

Unproductive Hours (16:48)
Playing Games (16:48)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 109
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Monday, April 23rd 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Website

Steps Taken: 1853
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 2606
Drawings: 0

8:26 AM

So yes, I really did spend more 16+ hours yesterday playing games, and then spent another 2 hours later on playing even longer. I didn't browse the Internet, study, watch videos, or anything else, during the time yesterday where I wrote in the time log "playing games". I played only Heroes of the Storm and managed to get to level 52 since I downloaded the game on Thursday night. So that's level 52 in around 3 days, which I guess isn't that impressive.

You only get levels for, basically, the games you win, because you only get some EXP for games you lose. I played around 85 games in total during that time period and my win/loss rate was around 55%. It did drop to around 47% though.

During my time playing I became proficient and good at the game. I was able to hold my own, depending on the hero I chose, and was able to destroy other players as well. Yeah I became quite good, especially with this character called Li Ming which was a healer character. I think I won 7 games in a row with her, teaming up with this Cho'Gall character that I just kept healing as he fought and threw himself into battle at his opponents. That was so much fun. We played against very good players and destroyed them.

The more you win and level up the stronger the opponents you'll face. The Cho'Gall I was teamed with had a 70%+ winning streak (thanks to me as well since he only had like 15 games or so total even with me playing). That was so much fun. We won every game and destroyed every opponent, completely annihilated them. Most of the time they couldn't even destroy a single one of our Forts while we destroyed all theirs. In maybe 4 games, I died 0 times, and got assists for more than 25 kills. I got MVP many times playing those games as healer.

Gosh that was so incredibly fun, that's why I couldn't stop playing. I really hate wasting time, and those several days straight of playing was a huge waste of time. My eyesight would become blurry and it would be hard to see even the screen at around 6-8 hours of playing straight, but I still kept on going... I drank grape juice and ate a lot of kale in order to protect my vision. I took a B12 pill as well, and I would've eaten carrots if we had some. Yeah I know how to take care of my health and literally cure myself from a lot of things just by eating food.

I also know that exercising is super important, and that I need to be thin if I want to have lower cancer rates, lower diabetes rates, lower mortality rates, lower blood pressure, etc, etc. I know how to lose weight. I know it's not that hard. Yeah. I know all these things, but I waste my freaking time. It's really a shame. I have a lot of knowledge, I'm able to learn, able to come up with ideas, able to do a lot of different things, but I lose out to addiction or procrastination.

I noticed myself change in the game though. At first, as a healer for example, I kept on spamming the heal spells as soon as their cooldown ended and I thought that was the right thing to do to make me a good healer. By my 'end game' mode, which was last night, I was a lot more calm with the healing. I wouldn't spam pressing the keys anymore, instead I was a lot more calculated, I'd press the heal button just once after the cooldown ended, and I'd cast it. As soon as the spell cast, I had an internal timer, I'd look around the map and observe and do other things while the internal timer in my head calculated how much time was left.

And then I'd cast again. And I'd change my actions depending on the circumstances, like if there was a low health hero, I'd attack or use the one offensive spell I had. If I was getting hit, I'd move away, and so on. Gosh, that games was so fun. Writing about it makes me want to play it again. Although for my sake, it's better not to.

Also it turns out I missed three days of journal entries thanks to that freaking game. I also installed Warcraft 3 and played it for a while, but that was only on Thursday night. On Friday morning throughout the day, on Saturday throughout the day, and on Sunday throughout the day, I played only Heroes of the Storm. Who knew such a stupid freaking game with its very simplistic rules could be so addicting. I like its rules a lot better than Dota and LoL because it's so much easier to play. There's more effort on fighting and trying to survive and all that, rather than having a memory of which items to get, etc. it's a lot more beginner friendly basically.

So I already quit a few games since I started this journal, well, I actually also started playing them too, as soon as I started this journal. But I'm now done playing MapleStory, I'm done playing Dota 2. And I don't think I will ever be playing them for the rest of my life. I'm also done with Warcraft 3. I'm glad I got to experience it again, but it honest wasn't as great as I remembered, I wrote about it being so great and all, and it definitely was the best game of all time, but it feels so uninspiring playing it recently, it felt and played old.

I was actually very scared when I played Warcraft 3 again on Thursday night because I reacted instinctively as soon as the game opened up. For example, I pressed "B" to open up right away pretty much as soon as the game started, then after the screen loaded, I pressed "Alt + C" to create a new account, and then my hand instinctively scrolled to the very bottom and hit accept before I could even process a thought. Afterwards I created a new account, and this was the super scary part.

So when you create a new account there's this screen you have to go through, you enter a username, and a password, and an email which I would leave blank all the time. If you left the email field blank, this prompt would pop up, and you can press enter to just make it go away, or maybe it was escape and enter, or just one of those two buttons. Anyway I don't remember what it was, but instinctively my hand would automatically be pressing it, in order to skip that screen. Then afterwards you'd be logged into the "News" section, in which case there's nothing there, what you want to do is press "C" to go to chat right away. Then you can press "alt + g" to find a custom game or "alt + q' to look for a quick match.

I did all of the above steps in like 5 seconds total. I'm not joking. The screens barely had any time to even show themselves, before I was already done with them. As soon as they popped up, I was already spamming the button to go to the next screen, instinctively. I hadn't played the game in years but knew what to do. Then I made a custom game and just wanted to try out the new 24 total players feature. I picked random as my race, and I got Human, and all my gaming intuition from the thousands of games I've played stuck with me.

I immediately, like how you see pro gamers do it, made all my characters go to the goldmine to gather gold, and I picked out one peasant to build an altar, another peasant to build a barracks, very rapidly, still knowing all the hotkeys. I was so shocked. Then I queued 2 more peasants, and after a few seconds, built a farm. I would build these in a strategic location too, from memory, in order to make the base so secure. And I was so scared I still knew all these things. I still know all of the hotkeys for every unit of every race, for every hero, for everything the game had.

That is freaking scary and frightening. I don't care about that game anymore. I don't want to have a memory of everything, but I do. what the heck. That's the part that scared me so much that I quit the game, I haven't touched it since. Oh yeah, I also played Mutating Aeon again, and that's when the illusion of how awesome that map was, broke for me. It wasn't really that great, I had great memories of it, but playing it again, I kinda thought it was boring. Who knows? I played it by myself, maybe if it was a full house game again it would've been a lot more fun.

But yeah, I have not played Warcraft 3 since I last quit it, mainly because I was terrified by how much I still remembered from back in the day. It's just super scary. I don't want to remember any of that, but I do. How is that not frightening? Especially since it feels like I have a "muscle memory" of everything.

Okay so I've decided that I'm going to play just one more game of Heroes of the Storm, and then uninstall it forever. I don't care what the result is. Last night I kept playing until I got a win, I had like 3-4 losses in a row, before quitting. Oh yeah, I played as Cho'Gall as well, but he is very weak without a healer. I played with this one guy, and we had around 10 or so total games with Cho'Gall, and we lost every game except one.

But yeah, I am totally done with that game for good. I never want to play it again. Do I even want to play it one more time? And why? Ugh. I'll think about it, but first I'm going to write about my experiences on Friday, through Sunday since I didn't write about them at all.

Alright so Friday was the day I would be having the interview. I woke up around 6-7 AM, I don't remember it that well, and I didn't keep a journal as soon as I woke up. I was playing games until around 2 AM the night before, and I was tired still. Thanks to those games, I also felt quite unmotivated to doing anything else. Games really are a freaking mess. I freaking hate playing video games so much. Making them might be fun, but playing games can be such a waste of time and can be so draining. I didn't even feel like doing anything else because all I wanted to do was play.

That one addiction that felt just like taking a drug, broke my habit of writing a journal, keeping a time log, and being productive. It just shattered it all basically just like that. Instantly. I don't like it at all. I didn't even exercise or do any kinds of other activities throughout those days. What a terrible, terrible waste of time. I hate how it completely demoralized me from doing anything else, too. This is probably why there's people that have died from playing games for too long. It doesn't even make any sense, the games aren't that exciting, but they sure are addicting.

So there goes my unrenewable resource of time. Gone just like that. In a game I don't even like playing that much. Three full days gone. Gone.

Anyway, so back to Friday. That was the day of my interview. I woke up early, and I spent the next 3 hours literally just changing clothes and trying to prepare. I was so shocked at how much time went by just trying to take a shower, change clothes, and fill out some forms. That's all I did that morning. I don't even think I ate any food. Even then, by the end, at around 9:30 AM, since the Interview would be taking place at 10 AM, I kind of panicked because it was nearing the interview time but I still wasn't fully prepared.

Anyway, I managed to get what I needed to done, and I bolted out of the door, and started sprinting to my car, to the eyes of some construction workers, and I just got into the car and drove off quickly while trying to get the GPS to work. I actually didn't need the GPS to work, because I had memorized most of the route beforehand, I just needed it for the last few turns, so I casually adjusted and put on the correct address while driving.

I got to the place, talked to the front desk attendant, and then the recruiter, and I was lead to another location for the interview. The interview was I thought it was kinda fun, actually. There were a lot of technical questions asked, and I was asked all sorts of questions from making a web application from scratch, and my experiences with related subjects such as APIs and other things. I had already built up a general repertoire of experience throughout the years so I was able to answer most of the questions, some of them I didn't know though nor did I have experience with, like ReactJS or Angular.

But yeah, I thought we had a good time in the interview. There were two people that interviewed me at once, and I got drilled with many different questions, but it was good. Afterwards I thanked the interviewers, shook their hands, and went home. On the drive home I reflected on the Interview, and I thought it overall went great. The location is also pretty close so it would be very convenient and nice to work at a place like that.

When I got home, all I wanted to do was play Heroes of the Storm so badly. The hours I spent preparing that morning, made me just feel like, once I got home and the interview was done, I wanted to just play games and eat food.

Maybe I shouldn't have installed any of the games in the first place, but this is all just an experience. I'm going to be uninstalling them today anyway and finally never look at any games ever again. I'm also going to be uninstalling Steam, making sure to never see it again. What a serious waste of time. I'm going to have to work on a lot of material if I want to catch up.

Then Saturday, and Sunday were both very non-descriptive days. I did what I said I did on those days. I just played Heroes of the Storm straight through. Well, on Saturday I did work on a web application for a few hours. Then I stopped... to play some games... but today I'm going to be uninstalling everything. Everything. And I never want to look at another game again. With that in mind, I think I will record my last game, and upload it online as the last game I ever play.

Yeah, why not? I spent more than 40+ hours the past few days playing video games, I might as well get something productive out of it.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Playing Games – 2:30 AM

2:30 AM – Sleep – 8:06 AM

8:06 AM – Bathroom – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:18 AM

8:18 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:21 AM

8:21 AM – Uploading Previous Day's Entry – 8:26 AM

8:26 AM – Writing Journal – 9:28 AM

9:28 AM – Playing Last Game – 11:07 AM

11:07 AM – Uninstalling All Games – 11:12 AM

11:12 AM – Restarting Computer – 11:14 AM

11:14 AM – Wasting Time – 6:14 PM

6:14 PM – Wal-Mart with Mom – 7:14 PM

7:14 PM – Wasting Time – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (1:23)
Setting Up Today (0:08)
Cleaning Up Room (0:03)
Uploading Previous Day's Entry (0:05)
Writing Journal (1:02)
Uninstalling All Games (0:05)

Neutral Hours (7:52)
Sleep (6:46)
Bathroom (0:04)
Restarting Computer (0:02)
Wal-Mart with Mom (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (15:54)
Playing Games (2:30)
Playing Last Game (1:39)
Wasting Time (11:45)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 109
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 19
Game Development: 4

Tuesday, April 24th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for an hour
Software Engineering course for an hour
Draw for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Web App

Steps Taken: 9221
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2000
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Videos – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 9:58 AM

9:58 AM – Bathroom – 10:06 AM

10:06 AM – Writing Journal – 10:31 AM

10:31 AM – Messaging People – 11:03 AM

11:03 AM – Wasting Time – 11:13 AM

11:13 AM – Preparing Food – 11:15 AM

11:15 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 11:18 AM

11:18 AM – Preparing Food – 11:20 AM

11:20 AM – Eating Food – 12:20 PM

12:20 PM – Preparing to go Outside – 12:25 PM

12:25 PM – Wasting Time – 1:25 PM

1:25 PM – Walking Outside – 2:46 PM

2:46 PM – Exercise Log – 3:05 PM

3:05 PM – Phone Call – 3:25 PM

3:25 PM – Exercise Log – 3:35 PM

3:35 PM – Wasting Time – 3:47 PM

3:47 PM – Exercise Log – 3:53 PM

3:53 PM – Setting Up Today – 3:58 PM

3:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Break – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Watching Videos – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:52)
Writing Journal (0:25)
Cleaning Up Room (0:03)
Walking Outside (1:21)
Exercise Log (0:19)
Phone Call (0:20)
Exercise Log (0:16)
Setting Up Today (0:05)
Web Developer Course (1:02)

Neutral Hours (14:46)
Sleep (11:57)
Bathroom (0:08)
Messaging People (0:32)
Preparing Food (0:04)
Eating Food (1:00)
Preparing to go Outside (0:05)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (5:22)
Watching Videos (5:00)
Wasting Time (1:22)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 110
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 20
Game Development: 4

Wednesday, April 25th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Upload Previous Days' Photos
Upload Today's Photos
Create weekly plan, monthly plan, yearly plan (up to next year)

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Web App
Create Long Term Plan for my Life

Steps Taken: 8951
Lines of Code: 100
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 1547
Drawings: 0

4:44 AM

As long as I'm still alive I can still do anything that I want to. That's right, I only have this one chance, this one life, this one opportunity to accomplish and do anything and everything that I want to accomplish. I forget about it every day, that's why I waste my time doing useless things or doing nothing at all. All I had to do was do every task in my task log, and every day I'd be closer to accomplishing my goals. Instead however, I became lazy and complacent, and didn't do those activities.

Because of my procrastination I have had to pay a big price. I could've been where I wanted to have been, years ago. I wrote about where I wanted to be back when I was 16, and the future seemed so far away, and everything seemed possible. I wrote about where I thought I'd be at 25, and at that point, I thought I'd have accomplished so much. I kept these dreams up even when I was 18, and even then the years seemed so far away and that my dreams were a lot closer.

I'm almost 25 now and almost none of what I wrote about back in the day have manifested. I wrote a list of 100 goals I wanted to accomplish in my life before I died, it should still be in my room somewhere in a folder. But these 100 things are unbelievable achievements. I'd just write things like I wanted 1 million YouTube subscribers (back then that was nearly unheard of), more than 1 trillion dollars, I wanted to star in a Hollywood movie, I wanted to write a best selling book, I wanted to direct my own movie, I wanted to play every instrument in a band, visit every country in the world, create a best selling video game, become a world class athlete, have a phd, etc, etc. I basically wanted to accomplish pretty much everything.

And back then, hey, 9 years seemed like a long time. It seemed like enough to accomplish all of these things, and I think with the right kind of support and resources and luck and effort, all these things are possible in that short amount of time. For example, how would one get a trillion dollars? It's possible today, if every billionaire in the world just temporarily gave you all their money for one second, you'd be a trillionaire. Writing a best selling book and directing a movie, are both possible in under a year. Starring in a Hollywood movie is also possible in under a year (although it would take so much work and 'talent' to compete against other people applying for the same role).

I mean technically in a way, all of these things are possible in a lifetime. It would just take great amounts of effort and luck to achieve these results.

And 'living in the real world' has got me denying the possibility of these dreams. Things are so much harder than they seem, and if I even try to do any of these things, I become na�ve because of how simplified I make these difficult tasks seem. Anyway, my dreams have not died. I have formed new dreams and goals over the years, but my willingness to accomplish them has remained the same.

I'm not going to be giving up, why should I? Why should I even waste my time? As long as I'm still alive, I'm going to go for what I want and I'm not going to let anyone or my present circumstances prevent me from accomplishing my dreams.

I am getting older though, and every second I waste is a second I will never get back. I wasted maybe four days in a row, playing video games or wasting my time. Those are 4 days of my life, or roughly 100 hours, that I will never see again. How many hours do I even have left in the world? Let me calculate how old I am now, first of all.

I'm doing these calculations based on if I were exactly 25 years old. If I were exactly 25 years old, I would be around 219150 hours old. Wait a minute, there's only 8760 hours in a year. This means that because I wasted around 100 hours out of 8760 in a year. Four days out of a year is a larger fraction than I expected. I thought it would be just an insignificant amount, but 100/8760 is a bit over 1%, I only have 100 of these 1% total. That basically means I wasted 1/100th of my year so far playing games (probably more if you count the other days I played Dota or playing other games). Oh no!

Roughly 33/100 of the year is spent on sleep. Another 33 is spent on doing other neutral activities like driving or work or whatever. Realistically speaking, I can only take advantage of 33/100 of the year, and so far I have already wasted 1/100. Lame. I can't believe it. That's a huge chunk out of my life gone.

It is such a short lifespan no matter how I think about it. 52 weeks in a year, around 80 years for a person's lifespan, if they're fortunate enough to make it that long. That just leaves 4160 weeks in a lifespan. That's how long an entire life is, just 4160 weeks. There's 520 weeks every 10 years. Okay that seems like a lot thinking about it like that, but that's not really all that much. That's ten years, basically from 25 to 35 or 20 to 30, is 520 weeks. That's it? Now that doesn't seem like any time at all.

I can't believe I wasted any time at all... I think I'm going to plan out my life starting from now. I have planned out my daily life, but I haven't really planned out my weekly or monthly or yearly life yet. This is something I wrote about before, and something I sort of planned back then, but it was way too weak of a plan. Not solid enough, and not uploaded anywhere. I want to upload it to the site so I can keep a better record. Is it in my backlog to make such a plan? No it isn't. I'm going to add it now.

Okay I added it. I want to create a long term plan for my life. A plan to guide me so that I know exactly what I'm doing with this limited life that I have. This life will not be completely easy, but I don't want to waste it. I'm here only once. Once I'm gone I can sleep forever and have no more pains, no more stress, no more problems. But while I'm here, I should get as much as I can because that's the only way I can fulfill my desires. I think I can accept death more easily if I'm ready to go, and I won't be ready to go until I've done everything I wanted.

Here are my plans for today:
- Create Yearly/Monthly/Weekly Plan
- Read philosophies on achievement
- Create 100 goals to accomplish before I die

I used to read a lot of self-help back in high school, mainly so I could get a girlfriend, and none of that worked. I created goals, I announced it to people, I really wanted them to come true, but looking back, it was more of an embarrassment than anything. Is there even a point? I remember I made a video where I talked about the five things I wanted to accomplish my senior year, and it was so freaking embarrassing. Fuck. It went viral in the school too though, it got around 600 views, maybe a thousand, just from people spreading it on Facebook alone, within that school.

Random people I had never met knew me and recognized me in the hallways. It was weird. People were like "Megg keep going for your goals!" and so on. I was so embarrassed. It was very embarrassing. I freaking announced in the video I wanted a girlfriend. Ugh. That makes me cringe so hard. It's set to private on YouTube now, but yeah that was very, very embarrassing and I cringe when I think about it. pretty much anything I do, I feel like cringing on.

I also had that list of 100 goals, and I showed it to my friends. That was so embarrassing. That was so embarrassing. I read it in self-help that it was a good idea to do this. I thought it was too, but looking back, again, I accomplished basically nothing of what I wanted to accomplish, and all the self-help seems like nonsense in hindsight.

However, I'm resurrecting the passions. Also, I had the above tasks in the wrong order. How can I create a yearly/monthly/weekly plan if I have no idea what I'm going for? So that means I need to write 100 goals. How can I write 100 goals if I don't know the reason for it? So I need to read some ideas on why that is important. So that's the first thing I need to do.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Bathroom – 1:08 AM

1:08 AM – Nap – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Browsing Internet – 3:45 AM

3:45 AM – Uploading Previous Days' Photos – 4:38 AM

4:38 AM – Setting Up Today – 4:44 AM

4:44 AM – Writing Journal – 5:38 AM

5:38 AM – Reading – 6:20 AM

6:20 AM – Nap – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Messaging People – 11:30 AM

11:30 AM – Browsing Internet – 12:53 PM

12:53 PM – Cleaning Up Room – 12:55 PM

12:55 PM – Preparing Food – 12:57 PM

12:57 PM – Eating Food – 1:18 PM

1:18 PM – Browsing Internet – 1:32 PM

1:32 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 1:43 PM

1:43 PM – Exercising – 2:53 PM

2:53 PM – Exercise Log – 3:05 PM

3:05 PM – Browsing Internet – 3:15 PM

3:15 PM – Break – 3:42 PM

3:42 PM – Web Developer Course – 4:46 PM

4:46 PM – Break – 5:46 PM

5:46 PM – Watching Videos – 6:10 PM

6:10 PM – Fixing Website – 6:11 PM

6:11 PM – Studying – 7:30 PM

7:30 PM – Wasting Time – 10:46 PM

10:46 PM – Attempting to Study – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:06)
Uploading Previous Day's Photos (1:03)
Setting Up Today (0:06)
Writing Journal (0:54)
Messaging People (1:30)
Exercising (1:10)
Web Developer Course (1:04)
Studying (1:19)

Neutral Hours (4:01)
Sleep (1:00)
Bathroom (0:08)
Nap (4:32)
Preparing Food (0:02)
Eating Food (0:21)
Preparing to Exercise (0:11)
Break (1:27)

Unproductive Hours (5:09)
Browsing Internet (3:32)
Watching Videos (0:24)
Attempting to Study (1:13)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 111
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 21
Game Development: 4

Thursday, April 26th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos
Create weekly plan, monthly plan, yearly plan (up to next year)

Fix or Remove Archive Link
Fix or Remove About Link
Instagram Photo Downloader
Notes Uploader
Clean Up YouTube Channel
"How to make HTML Buttons do something with javascript" video
"Quick Life and Death of Albert Einstein" video
"Aging" video
Automate website uploading
Automate journal entry converting and adding to website
Buy Cellphone for Landline Number, door latch, system recovery software
Unity Game Development Course
Web Development Course
Software Engineering Course
Computer Networking Course
Plan for the Year / Month / Week
Create "Extended Backlog" page
Make Video on how to make a contact form
Tic Tac Toe Programming Problem
Upload Java Code to Github
Create Time Logging Web App
Create Long Term Plan for my Life

Steps Taken: 11719
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 4188
Drawings: 1

12:06 AM

I am so tired and sleepy. I blame it on myself for running several miles today, I ran for nearly an hour (56 minutes) outside today, on my second day exercising in more than a week (and the last exercise I did, I think I just walked). So yeah, I kind of pushed myself to the limits today. I also did an activity I don't like mentioning here, at least twice. So my stamina has been super drained all day.

I am tired to say the least, my body is sore. Worst of all though is that I'm taking two college courses at the moment, and I had been procrastinating all week. I haven't studied any of the assigned material, and today I had a bunch of assignments due, including two papers (one for each course) that had to be two pages long each and it they were formal papers so they had to have a cover page, abstract, and citations, and I had to do two of these for these two separate classes.

I had no idea what the material even is anymore. This is the first in a very long time. I'm taking Communications and Networking II and Software Engineering II, the first weeks were easy as they were a review of the previous material from the first classes, but the second week had all new material I didn't know about, so I couldn't just answer the questions from memory with a close answer. I mean I don't know any of the things that they are talking about right now in class. I am considering dropping one of my two classes, and I still have until the first week of next month to decide if I will or not.

Basically I'll get a 0 on everything for this entire week. It's not good at all, I still have to do calculations on how much this will affect my grades, but I have done this in the past with other courses and it's not such a huge hit. I can probably miss 2 weeks in total in still get a C if I get like a B or an A on every assignment afterwards. In short, it shouldn't be the end of the world, but I still have to do the calculations, because it may still leave a huge dent.

Technically I can still answer some questions right now, I have around 50 minutes left before the assignment submission windows end. I guess I can send in like, a one or two sentence thing... that would count as more than a 0 basically. Yeah, I'll attempt something like that, even though I don't know the material fully. It's better than nothing.

8:36 AM

After doing a little bit of the assignments, I basically wrote like four or five paragraphs in total for both classes, I was so freaking tired I could not do anything but fall asleep. My eyelids were very heavy and I had trouble keeping them open. On top of that, my body felt sore and tired, and barely wanted to move at all. I would have stayed up another 9 minutes if I could have (that would have been the closing window for the assignments) but I couldn't. it was physically very hard (nearly impossible) for me to have stayed up.

It's just like that feeling of having to go to the bathroom. You can hold it in, but there's this very strong urge for you to go to the bathroom instead.

8:45 AM

Anyway, I think I ate too much food yesterday. I did run for an hour, but I did eat too much food, after I agreed basically not to eat anything else after lunch. Man. I'm just trying to keep my weight in check. Today I'm going to exercise again for sure, and try to run the same amount as yesterday since I ran quite a lot yesterday. Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm ready to beat the distance I ran yesterday, but I can probably beat the time that I run through it if I run at a consistently faster pace than yesterday. That I can do.

So for now I'm going to clean up my room, then prepare some food, then eat some food. I'll think about what I really want to do with my life afterwards and create an extended backlog page.

8:54 AM

Weird, my body still feels sore from yesterday. It's as if I feel like I have lost a lot of weight or feel a lot thinner and healthier, and that's not necessarily the case because I can look at a mirror and see that I am still the same as yesterday. It's very weird. I do feel thinner, lighter, faster, but I'm not. Anyway, time to prepare some food.

10:17 AM

Oh no. My left knee sort of hurts. I mean it doesn't hurt when I'm just sitting down, but when I put pressure on it like when I'm walking, then I can feel a slight alert from it. it's not really pain, since it doesn't hurt, it's more like "watch out, I am injured" or something like that.

Eh. We'll see what happens. I'm going to go out for a walk, and put a little bit of running in there. I'm going to run as much as I can, but if it turns out the pain is too much to bare, then I will just be walking.

12:39 PM

Whew. I am tired. Maybe I'm not tired, just lazy. So I need to get back to work. I realized I've learned all that I needed to, I've known everything I ever needed to learn and have known it for a while now. I just need to take steps, I need to take actions, every day, at every moment whenever I can, to reach the destination that I want to reach. I don't know how long it is going to take, but I will get there.

I will struggle. I seek it.

7:53 PM

Well I found the common denominator for me slacking off, and it's doing basically the activity that I don't like writing about. I did it twice again today and I am so ashamed of it. I don't think there's been a single day where I didn't do it, that I can recall for basically the entire month. Well today is it. That was it. I'm no longer going to do it ever again.

8:11 PM

Today I also went outside for a drive, I went by to a local bike trail that I used to go down when I was in high school all the time. I went down that trail so freaking often, and the place I drove to was one of the farthest areas away that I've ever reached from the starting location of my old neighborhood. Basically it's many miles away from where I used to live when I was in high school, but it's very close to where I live today.

There's multiple starting areas for the trail as the trail spans several miles, the starting area I went to is what I considered very far away back then. Now this starting area is very close, and if I bicycled all the way to the old starting area, that one would be very far away. It's weird how that happens. Your entire being can be one way this one day, and then completely changed the next. You just don't know when it's going to happen, and everything is temporary.

On the way to the trail starting area, I drove by that same graveyard I visited last time. Everyone there is dead. It's kind of depressing no one really talks about it, and that this myth of our perpetual reality exists. I mentioned it before, but I wish that ghosts were real, that way at least I can be calm knowing there's an afterlife. If there were such a thing such as poltergeists or ghosts or undead beings, then the discovery would be the most optimistic news in mankind's history, because then most of the questions about afterlife and death would be answered.

I'm typing this in a very dark room right now, with basically no source of light besides my laptop monitor and my glowing computer mouse. It's dark in my room, it's dark outside. This would be the perfect setting for a night of horrors, but I am unafraid. There's nothing scary or frightening about the dark, only that we can't fully see what's in it. If we know what's in the dark though, what is there to fear? I know I'm in my room, I know under my bed there's just the carpet and maybe books or other things stuffed down there. I know in my closet there's just a bunch of clothes and boxes and backpacks and other things. No ghosts, no monsters, no undead, no vampires, no werewolves, no boogiemen, no myths.

There's nothing here that terrifies me. I feel exceptionally calm and peaceful. I'm enjoying my existence right now, I love every moment that I'm living. Just being alive is a feeling of ecstasy. I will never be here again.

Oh, yeah. That quote from the movie Troy. "I'll tell you a secret, the gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment can be our last. You will never be lovelier than you are now, we will never be here again." I typed that up from memory, and I don't know if it's accurate. I remember typing that up back in 2015 from a typing website, and that quote really inspired me to do something. I don't want to write about that now though, it's kind of embarrassing.

It is true though, every moment fades. I can look back at almost any journal entry and remember and reminisce writing it, be transported back in time to that moment when I was doing X activity on Y day and Z also happened that same day. I can remember it all, but I can never go back. For any kind of memory that I have actually, not just my journal entry memories, but every memory even ones I haven't written about, I can think about, and relive again and again, and again. I want to change the outcomes sometimes, but I know I can't. it's futile no matter how much I try.

You know, every present moment I've ever experienced, I always thought that was the present. I remember when it was 2008, that used to be the latest and greatest year. Living in 2008, everything at the time was so modern, so new, so revolutionary. People were the best they've ever been, the newest books had been published, the latest movies were created, and so on and so forth. It was the best. I can compare that to today, where today feels like the latest and greatest. Oh, 2018! Its' the newest year! This is the year!

It's the latest and greatest year! 2018! No other year before this can match it, all those old phone models from 2017? Those are old now! All those books from 2017? Old school news! This is the new stuff we're talking about here! 2018 is the newest year!

And from my current perspective, this is the year. The year. This is the present. Right now. Today, in fact. No other day. Today, right now, this moment, is the present. I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or the next month or the next, I can't even fathom those months just yet. They feel so far away. 2019 feels so far away. I'm not joking. It feels like, a very long time from now. 2019? It sounds like I can accomplish anything that I can imagine, by then. 2019 is a far away place. So far away it's hard to even imagine.

But it will be here before I realize it, and it will be gone before I realize it, and 2019 will just be the past again. 2019 will be like, 10 years ago, even though right now, it's 1 year in the future. The same thing happened to 2008. Back in 2007, 2008 felt so far away, like it would never arrive, and when it did, it would change the world. Now 2008 is ten years ago. It was ten years ago.

I'm about to turn 30 in a few years. In less than six years. How messed up is that? I never asked for this. I never wanted to turn 30, and yet here I am, being pushed along, to the 30 year old transformation machine. No matter what I try, no matter what I do, I'll eventually reach it if I live long enough. I want to live long enough to reach it, at the same time, I kind of never want to reach it. Isn't that paradoxical? I want to live to reach my 30s, but at the same time, I don't want to be 30 years old at all.

My room has gotten even darker. I turned my laptop brightness down to its minimum and it's so dark that it makes my laptop look extremely bright, even though when I started typing the lowest brightness setting looked dim. Where are the ghosts? Where are the haunted creatures? Nowhere to be found. None of it is real.

We're just here for this temporary moment, and then gone and dead the next. What does anything matter, really? There was this gym I used to work out in, attached to the building of my old workplace. I used to go there at midnight sometimes, back in 2015 and 2016, and I used to workout there for like an hour or two on the ellipticals, singing a song. I used to sing and shout as loud as I could in that gym, because no one else came by at night. It was so private, and it was so luxurious and free. I loved it.

I sang so much in that gym. I shouted. I yelled. I might still have pictures of it somewhere. The building was demolished sometime in either late January, or sometime in February or March or even April. I have no idea when it was demolished, but I went back to my workplace earlier this month and yeah the entire building for the gym was torn down.

I still have memories of my first time going there. I walked up to this peaceful gym connected to this, I think it was FedEx, store and at first I had no idea how to get in. I did see the door to getting in, but I would scan my keycard and it wouldn't open. It would beep, blink red lights, and stay locked. Weird. I remember going into the FedEx to ask about the entrance to the gym, and one of the workers there lead me to the same door I just tried going in through (I thought there was another way through the FedEx store). I remember seeing the people inside working out through the very large glass windows and none of them let me in. This was in 2014.

Holy cow, that was so long ago. But yeah, those memories feel so present, like they're happening today, like they're happening right now, but they're not. Why was I so afraid of anything back then? It's not that I was 'afraid' of anything, just that I didn't take any risks. This is one of the most common regrets of the dead and dying, is that they didn't take enough risks in life.

Like, what kind of risks? Transferring that feeling of the past, to today, and viewing today as if today were "a long time ago", what kind of risks can I take today that would satisfy my future self? It's not so obvious if I try to think about it now, but I guess also that there's really nothing to fear. There's nothing I should take seriously today, because today is the past anyway.

In fact, if I really want to satisfy my future self, I should go out for a sprint tonight. Just go out and run through the streets as fast as I can and keep it up for as long as I can. That's pretty much the only thing I can think of that I get the feeling of "yeah I should have done more of that, and why didn't I do that?!" sort of thing.

I mean I don't really feel like talking to or hanging out with any of my friends. It doesn't feel productive at all. Maybe it's just because I did that thing twice today and my mood is off. I did get invited to go out tonight, to go to some club or something like that, and I was like no thanks, because I didn't feel like it.

I remember in 2014 as well, I think that was when I had my surgery to get the kidney stone out. Fuck. Those were the fucking days. Honestly, that pain, though I wanted to die rather than continue experiencing it at the time, was really nothing. No, I don't want to experience that now, but if I could go back in time, I would for sure even relive that moment. That was one of the worst and most painful moments in my life, where I literally could not do anything except scream and yell and just burst out in agony, and yet I would relive it again, if I could experience 2014 again. I would. Certainly. Yes. Sign me up. No doubts, no regrets, I got through it just fine (with the help of surgery of course).

Back in 2006, when I was in 7th grade, I thought that I would never want to relive my life again because of the great amount of luck I had to get one of my YouTubes to over 100k views and soared my popularity beyond what I could comprehend. I received more than a thousand emails. I wonder how much letters and emails and other things present celebrities today get, I can't even fathom, that me, who received such a small amount of popularity for one second, received that many messages and that much attention even though I wasn't famous or anything. Even this website of mine at one point received 100k visitors a day, and I thought that was a lot, but man, I can't even fathom sites that receive more than 1 million a day. Fudge.

Yeah, I remember thinking at the time "I don't want to relive my life again, because it took an incredible amount of luck just to get that video viral" I mean I had no control of it, if I had made that video one second later, or if so and so happened, who knows what may have happened instead? Right?

Man. I so do want to go back in time and relive my life again. I would know what to do differently to make my present existence the best it could have possibly been. I say that, but it's futile. Why should I even think such thoughts? What I should think about, is just go. Just go. Just do what I can, do what I must, do it in my own way.

What I noticed for myself, is that I enjoy and I love doing things my own way. It's freaking cool making my own discoveries and solving my own problems in my own way. I feel like I have so much more success doing things my way than if I would follow someone else's "tried and true" methods to success. I don't believe there is such a thing. It changes every day. Moment to moment. A lot of it relies on luck. It's hard to emphasize how much depends on luck, but practically almost all of it.

I enjoyed today. it wasn't super productive, but it was still a good day. It was over way too quickly. Anyway, I might go and take my sprinting idea seriously. I'm going to go outside, I might do something then, I might go back. But I will go outside. I'm enjoying life so much. I have so many ideas, so many ideas that have yet to come to fruition. I don't want to die without letting them all out.

When we die none of it matters anyway, but still. I kind of don't want to miss out this one opportunity that I have to be alive. I think back sometimes on the people who lived in the 1900s, let's say 1918, that was exactly 100 years ago. People then were living similar lives to people today. I mean everything from that era in photos is basically black and white, but everything was in full color for them in what they saw.

They also had similar resources. They had cars. They had photos. They had news sources. They had weapons, I think WWI was still happening back then. It must've felt like "today is the latest and greatest day today" back then too, back in 1918. I think back and imagine myself as an individual living in that era. I'm just some guy in 1918, I live in a house in the city, and there are cars travelling by ever now and then, those "new" model T cars, so fancy and beautiful, and the cities were super crowded and populated.

I see so many people walking around, I see so many stores open, so many jobs available, so many things I could be doing. Everyone is out wearing fedora hats and suits as they walked around. Holy moly, it helps to get a visual look on this. I just looked up some photos of 1918 and there's one with Charlie Chaplin in wall street, some guy is lifting him up, and he's waving his hat at the camera, and most spectacularly of all there's a crowd of tens of thousands of people. Some of those people would have been inevitably born in 1893 (100 years difference to my year of birth 1993), and so in 1918 they were my age.

This is a crowd with tens of thousands of people. Everyone there looks so healthy and full of life. I mean the streets are so filled with people that you can see people covering the entrance doors to buildings and you can see people down the streets as far as the eye can see. You can also see some very young children at the front too. There's so many people in this photo. This is the kind of life I imagine 1918 having. It was so full of life, so full of glory and wonder.

However, however. It can be stated nearly to a guarantee, that every single person in that photo is dead today. Even the kids in that photo, who look like they're already at least 10 or 11 years old, are already dead today. There's like 5 males total above the age of 110, I think, and I doubt any of these kids in the photo are them. Everyone else looks older, mostly in their 30s and 40s and older, but definitely above 15 years old at least. They are all fucking dead now. Every single freaking person in that freaking photo is freaking dead.

Yet at one point that was the present. At one point in time, that moment, was the present moment. It was the moment. There was no other moment in the future, at the time. Just like how 2019 doesn't even exist to me today, heck, April 27th 2018 doesn't even exist to me today. Just like how any future moment doesn't exist in comparison to the present moment, if you go out to an even further future than that, the original future moment would then be the past moment in hindsight. That's it.

I kind of want to cry. I kind of want to die. I remember when I was 15 years old, that was such a young age. People born in 1993 were so young at the time, in comparison to basically everyone else alive in the world. Now people born in 1993 are a little older, they're no longer the young babies. Every single generation goes through that phase where at one point they're the youngest of the youngest people, but then they'll eventually be the oldest of the oldest people. It happens. It fucking happens. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm going outside. I have to think. I have to. I have to live my life to the fullest. No regrets, no regrets. I'm here one time. That's it. Just this present moment, just today. I'll only have today. No regrets, no fear, just now. Just. Now. Here is what I have. Here is what I am. I am today. I've finally become myself.

9:32 PM

Oh yeah, it is 2018 today. This is the past. I can feel it.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Setting Up Today – 12:06 AM

12:06 AM – Writing Journal – 12:16 AM

12:16 AM – Communications and Networking Course – 12:27 AM

12:27 AM – Software Engineering Course – 12:46 PM

12:46 PM – Sleep – 8:36 AM

8:36 AM – Writing Journal – 8:38 AM

8:38 AM – Bathroom – 8:45 AM

8:45 AM – Writing Journal – 8:50 AM

8:50 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:54 AM

8:54 AM – Writing Journal – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Preparing Food – 9:01 AM

9:01 AM – Eating Food – 9:07 AM

9:07 AM – Preparing Food – 9:09 AM

9:09 AM – Eating Food – 9:39 AM

9:39 AM – Browsing Internet – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Preparing to Exercise – 10:17 AM

10:17 AM – Writing Journal – 10:21 AM

10:21 AM – Exercising – 11:37 AM

11:37 AM – Exercise Log – 11:56 AM

11:56 AM – Break – 12:10 PM

12:10 PM – Preparing Food – 12:14 PM

12:14 PM – Eating Food – 12:39 PM

12:39 PM – Writing Journal – 12:41 PM

12:41 PM – Web Developer Course – 12:52 PM

12:52 PM – Distraction – 1:12 PM

1:12 PM – Web Developer Course – 2:36 PM

2:36 PM – Break – 3:04 PM

3:04 PM – Eating Food – 3:30 PM

3:30 PM – Watching Anime – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Nap – 5:30 PM

5:30 PM – Throwing Trash – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Preparing to Walk Outside – 6:02 PM

6:02 PM – Web Developer Course – 6:48 PM

6:48 PM – Driving – 7:12 PM

7:12 PM – Walking Outside – 7:32 PM

7:32 PM – Driving – 7:53 PM

7:53 PM – Writing Journal – 7:58 PM

7:58 PM – Web Developer Course – 8:11 PM

8:11 PM – Writing Journal – 9:22 PM

9:22 PM – Walking Outside – 9:32 PM

9:32 PM – Writing Journal – 9:33 PM

9:33 PM – Browsing Internet – 11:33 PM

11:33 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (7:08)
Setting Up Today (0:06)
Writing Journal (1:41)
Communications and Networking Course (0:11)
Software Engineering Course (0:19)
Cleaning Up Room (0:04)
Exercising (1:16)
Exercise Log (0:19)
Web Developer Course (2:34)
Throwing Trash (0:20)
Walking Outside (0:31)

Neutral Hours (11:42)
Sleep (8:16)
Bathroom (0:07)
Preparing Food (0:11)
Eating Food (1:25)
Preparing to Exercise (0:03)
Break (0:42)
Preparing to Walk Outside (0:12)
Driving (0:45)

Unproductive Hours (4:25)
Browsing Internet (2:35)
Distraction (0:20)
Watching Anime (1:30)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 5
Web Development: 113
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 23
Game Development: 4

Friday, April 27th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

Check out the extended backlog page

Steps Taken: 16629
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 710
Drawings: 0

7:42 AM

I am adding a new item to my scorecard: Days Without Cursed Activity. Too long? Maybe... Hmm... Just "No Cursed Activity"... Hmm... Well then it would be hard to tell what I was keeping track of.

Okay, for now, I have called it "Days w/o Cursed Activity" and starting every day when I haven't done that cursed activity, I will add +1 to it. So today has just started and I haven't done anything so vile, so for now it has a 1 in front of it. Just one day so far without doing that cursed activity. Let's see if it actually makes any difference at all in my life, because I'm not sure if it does.

Also, I am now going to work on making a plan for myself for the year. I'll call this my "Extended Backlog Schedule", and it will basically take everything from my extended backlog list, and sort them out into days, weeks, months, years. That makes a good amount of sense. As long as I follow the schedule, everything should go alright, in theory. So, let's see how it works.

Should I start it off right here, in this journal? Or should I make an entire separate word document for it, from the get-go? Hmm.... I think it's a good idea to create a new word document for it. Yeah so I made a new word document for it. I'm going to, I guess, just work on the "Extended Backlog" for now and list out all of my tasks that I need to do. Hmm...

Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... The thing is, I also have this folder structure of three folders called "Not Started", "In Progress", and "Done", and these folders basically, I planned to make my extended backlog. In each one of these folders is a word document for each of the things I haven't started on yet, working on, or have finished. These word documents I plan on being their own separate pages on the website, and that they are basically just the notes for that activity.

I think it would make sense to interlink these together, but at the same time I know it will be harder to. Hmm. I'll just work on an Extended Backlog for now, and work on an extended backlog schedule as well, and then work on uploading those to the site. I'm not going to focus on the "Notes" part just yet. That might be its own separate thing for a while since I don't necessarily need to take notes on every single activity that I do, although perhaps I should.

9:07 AM

Okay great, now I have two separate pages for my "Extended" Backlog, and also the "Completed" backlog. What is annoying now is that I have to manually convert the two and then move the converted contents into their respective HTML files. That is super annoying to do. I'm going to have to automate it so that it will just update the HTML pages automatically... Freaking annoying. Now how should I go about doing this?

11:25 AM

Whew I am so full. I am sooooo full. I'm in the middle of making the backlog page automatically updated and so far it is going pretty well. I am just so freaking full right now that I need to just take a break... because I feel so bloated and full that I not only cannot eat another bite, but I basically don't think I can do anything else right now, except just be full. So I will just be full and take a break.

Oh, better yet. I might actually go outside for a walk. Is it a good idea to walk after eating? I looked it up online, and it might aid digestion, I'm good for it as long as it doesn't cause Hernia or something, that would be terrible.

12:11 PM

Okay now I'm going to go outside for a walk. I'm going to run at some point as well, but for the most part, I will just go out for a walk until I'm not full anymore, and then I will go out for a jog. I'll jog the same amount I did the past two days.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 7:20 AM

7:20 AM – Brushing Teeth – 7:23 AM

7:23 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:30 AM

7:30 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 7:34 AM

7:34 AM – Fixing Website – 7:38 AM

7:38 AM – Bathroom – 7:42 AM

7:42 AM – Writing Journal – 7:55 AM

7:55 AM – Extended Backlog – 8:09 AM

8:09 AM – Extended Backlog Page – 8:56 AM

8:56 AM – Completed Backlog Page – 9:07 AM

9:07 AM – Writing Journal – 9:09 AM

9:09 AM – Auto Convert Backlogs – 9:12 AM

9:12 AM – Preparing Food – 9:27 AM

9:27 AM – Auto Convert Backlogs – 10:38 AM

10:38 AM – Preparing Food – 10:41 AM

10:41 AM – Eating Food – 11:25 AM

11:25 AM – Writing Journal – 11:29 AM

11:29 AM – Break - 12:11 PM

12:11 PM – Writing Journal – 12:12 PM

12:12 PM – Preparing to go Outside – 12:16 PM

12:16 PM – Exercising – 1:58 PM

1:58 PM – Exercise Log – 2:05 PM

2:05 PM – Shower – 2:22 PM

2:22 PM – Preparing Food – 2:25 PM

2:25 PM – Eating Food – 3:00 PM

3:00 PM – Break – 4:00 PM

4:00 PM – Watching Videos – 6:45 PM/

6:45 PM – Friend – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:50)
Setting Up Today (0:07)
Cleaning Up Room (0:04)
Fixing Website (0:04)
Writing Journal (0:20)
Extended Backlog (0:14)
Extended Backlog Page (0:47)
Completed Backlog Page (0:11)
Auto Convert Backlogs (1:14)
Exercising (1:42)
Exercise Log (0:07)

Neutral Hours (16:24)
Sleep (7:20)
Brushing Teeth (0:03)
Bathroom (0:04)
Preparing Food (0:21)
Eating Food (1:19)
Break (1:42)
Preparing to go Outside (0:04)
Shower (0:17)
Friend (5:14)

Unproductive Hours (1:45)
Watching Videos (1:45)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 6
Web Development: 114
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Saturday, April 28th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

Check out the extended backlog page

Steps Taken: 10114
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:00)

Neutral Hours (23:59)
Untracked (23:59)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 6
Web Development: 114
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Sunday, April 29th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

Check out the extended backlog page

Steps Taken: 6957
Lines of Code: 50
Calories Consumed: 2500
Journal Words: 1947
Drawings: 0

12:45 PM

I haven't written here in a while. Several things happened since Friday. First, I got a job offer as a web developer and can start Tuesday! Woohoo! To celebrate I hung out with a friend and we went out to the city planning to go to some bars and clubs. We went to one bar and tried to get into a club but I was wearing a hoodie and sneakers and wasn't allowed in for that. Afterwards we got back to the train station at around 12 AM, and I was going to drive him home, but I drank one beer two hours ago, and I still felt a little bit tipsy from it so we got into a lengthy conversation about using a ride sharing service and I would pay for it, he kept saying to just drive because it was around just a mile or two away.

Anyway, I ended up winning since it was my car, and we got an uber, I was paying for it anyway. The uber ride was only $7 but he sent me a paypal link to pay for $11? Alright... I didn't want to go with him to his house, I would rather have just stayed in the car for a few hours until I became sober again, but for some reason he wanted me to come along, so I came along. We went to his house, and in less than a minute he said he was just going to sleep because he was tired, so I lied down on the floor and charged my phone for around 20-30 minutes before leaving and turning off the lights and locking the doors since he was asleep.

That walk was grueling. I started walking at around 1 AM and it was a lot further than I expected. It was so cold that night, and I was also sweating, so I could feel the cold wind pierce through my thin jacket and it would be freezing hitting the wet parts of my shirt. I was also wearing some uncomfortable shoes, they were sneakers, but badly made, and shoes I bought in the Philippines actually, so they were not fun to wear at all, it felt stiff and it was annoying to walk. Still, I drudged on. There was almost no one driving out that night, and man, I felt a tinge of what people who have to travel miles a day walking experienced.

When I got to the car I was so relieved. I took around 6000 steps and it took me roughly 56 minutes for the walk according to my phone. Whew. It was so close by if you drove, like I said it was just 1-2 miles away, but walking, in the cold, at night, it took an hour for me to get back to the train station so I could get to my car. I finally felt sober enough to drive though and so I drove home. Along the way there was this one stop sign that I was going to make a right turn at, but I remembered it was a "No Turn on Red" intersection, and so I stopped. I didn't want to get pulled over by a cop and caught with anything above 0.0 on my blood alcohol levels.

I stopped at the stop light, and I made a turn signal as if I were about to turn. I was still completely stopped though. Not like I was paying attention, but five seconds later this random cop car just shows up in front of me going the left perpendicular direction to where I was facing. I inferred that he was waiting at this stop light, to catch anyone that would have made this turn on red, and a lot of people do. I see it happening in broad daylight all the time, it must happen a lot more frequently at night. But considering I walked an entire hour just because I still felt a little bit tipsy from one beer three hours ago, I wasn't going to just go through this red light.

This incident reminded me of a few other lucky incidents that happened very recently. One was when I avoided getting hit by two cars, when I accidentally ran a red light still at speed limit speeds, they braked right in the middle of the road to avoid hitting me inches away, I could not see their tires or their license plates looking to the right outside the passenger window because they were so close the door obscured my view. HOLY. CRAP. That was so freaking scary. They were moving and they just braked, in the middle of the road, while I just flew through. They honked as I passed. If they were on their phones or they didn't see me or any number of reasons, just one millisecond later I would have been hit, I was literally inches away from them. The passenger side of the car would have been slammed into, and who knows how much damage I would have had to pay and also the insurance cost increase, someone would have gotten seriously hurt, and a bunch of other things. That was so close. That was so close.

Another lucky random incident was really minor, I was just driving to work and I was stopped at this stop light I always stop at. To the left there was this hospital with a bunch of cars in the parking lot, it was filled. This was the same parking lot I parked in back when I got my kidney stone surgery in 2014, and there was an old lady there who forgave me for accidentally scratching her car with my car as I was parking, luckily there was snow and I was able to wipe out a lot of the white residue car paint from her car with liquid from the melted snow, and she came back to me writing a note for my contact information and just forgave me, but that's not what I wanted to mention. What I wanted to mention was that while stopped at the parking lot, I was filled with despair from going back to work and I wanted a sign that I was still going down the right path, that serendipity was still with me, and so I just chose a random car to look at in the parking lot, and I was like 'please give me a sign' and stared at this one car out of hundreds of other cars, and it's not like I could see anyone or anything in it at all since I was far away and the windows were tinted, and I didn't see any cars moving in or out, but as I was staring and thinking these thoughts, someone opened the door and got out. Then the light turned green. And I was like, wow. Awesome. That really happened.

Another event was in 2015 as I was going home from college, it was dark and raining outside. I was playing around with my phone for no reason, it was so freaking stupid of me, but yeah I was going full speed towards this stop light that I saw ahead, and yeah I thought there weren't any cars in front, so I didn't stop braking until I was very close to the light, as if the lane was empty. Then suddenly I just looked up and I saw this red in front of me, and instinctively I realized there was a huge line of cars ahead, and at my current speed I would slam right in front of the car ahead of me, like slam into it hard. Holy. Crap. I was sooo panicked I applied brakes right away and pushed as hard, as hard as I could. The brakes locked, or it just went to the point where I could not push any harder, the freaking rain and the slipping tires might've caused it to just lock up like that (the car had ABS), but wow. I just remember pushing as hard, as hard as I could in front of those brakes and praying as hard as I could to avoid hitting the car in front. Luckily. Luckily. So freaking luckily, I was probably less than an inch away from hitting it when the car went out to a stop. That was the closest I have ever, ever been to a car, and I'm sure if I got out, and measured the exact distance between this car and that car, it would be an inch. I have parked one inch away from walls before and can do it pretty well, so I can tell the distance well, this was an inch close. It was so freaking close.

Another near accident was when I was with my mom and we were driving home from work after I picked her up, and the person a few cars ahead stopped really fast without any warning from a stop light turning yellow. Normally and more safely, he should have just kept going through since he was close, but he came to a solid stop, and the person in front of me was also caught off guard, I couldn't even see that many cars ahead and I had no idea of the situation, the only thing I saw was that the car in front of me stopped but he started swerving crazily almost out into the grass while coming to that stop. And then I realized I was still going at full speed, and there was no time to brake. If I kept going straight I would have smashed into the car, brakes would not have helped at all since the distance was so close, so I just, without even looking, switched lanes to my right, and that was how I avoided hitting the car in front of me. Luckily there was no one there. I still had a hard time coming to a full stop even though the lane I switched to had less cars, so I had more safe stopping distance I controlled. Oh my gosh. That so freaking close.

Another time was when I was behind this SUV in the highway. I couldn't see in front of me, because I was behind this other vehicle, and I wasn't super close, but it was just a normal drive. This guy out of nowhere switches lanes, so casually and so calmly without even braking. As soon as he switched lanes, I saw in front there was this huge dump truck stopped in the lane I was in with hazard lights on, and I was barreling towards it. This came out of freaking nowhere. I had to switch lanes or else hit it, because brakes would not have helped. No. I was close to it, the asshole in front literally switched lanes almost right in front of it. and I could not switch lanes to the left because there were cars there!! There was a car directly to my left apparently. What was very fortunate was that this car changed lanes out of nowhere, just felt like it for no reason, and because of that I was saved, I switched into the left lane, and felt so relieved. Fuck. Fuck. That was so close.

There have been other cases I'm sure, but they're pretty hard to recall when you don't think about them often. Hmm... I'm not sure if there are any more that I can remember. So yeah that's pretty much life and that's how it goes.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 11:41 AM

11:41 AM – Automating Backlog Updates – 12:45 PM

12:45 PM – Writing Journal – 2:05 PM

2:05 PM – Updating Website – 3:08 PM

3:08 PM – Break – 4:08 PM

4:08 PM – Watching Videos – 7:52 PM

7:52 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 7:55 PM

7:55 PM – Exercising – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Arguing – 10:30 PM

10:30 PM – Driving – 11:30 PM

11:30 PM – Arguing – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (4:32)
Automating Backlog Updates (1:04)
Writing Journal (1:20)
Updating Website (1:03)
Exercising (1:05)

Neutral Hours (12:44)
Untracked (11:41)
Preparing to Exercise (0:03)
Driving (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (5:43)
Watching Videos (3:44)
Arguing (1:59)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Monday, April 30th 2018

8:29 AM

I got into a terrible argument with my parents last night.

5:24 PM

Wow. I can't believe I wasted nearly 7 hours of my time doing absolutely nothing today. I thought I took a break at around 1 PM and started eating at that time, but wow, I started eating at 10 AM! Around 3 hours before I thought I did. Oh man.

The day is pretty much over already and I didn't get anything done. I did absolutely nothing. Oh well. Now I guess I'm going to continue working on the website again. Pick up where I left off.

9:04 PM

I worked on the journals a bit today. I'm working on adding a sidebar to each of the journal entries now, so that they look nice and well.

This will be the last 'free' day that I have, because I have work starting tomorrow. Things are going to be different. I'm going to be a lot busier and I'm going to be working hard and learning a lot through my new job as a web developer. Hopefully I have a good time there.

Hmm. Yeah. I don't think I have much else to write about today. I'm trying to enjoy every moment. I still remember Thursday last week, writing in that dark room, was it Thursday? Anyway, it was some day maybe last week, when I wrote about life and existence being so short. How does it feel being young? I'm young right now and it feels pretty normal. How does it feel being old? Is being old good? I'm going to randomly ask strangers this question online, I am curious as to people's answers.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 7807
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2400+
Journal Words: 283
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Watching Videos – 2:00 AM

2:00 AM – Sleep – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Bathroom – 8:10 AM

8:10 AM – Cleaning Up Room – 8:18 AM

8:18 AM – Setting Up Today – 8:29 AM

8:29 AM – Writing Journal – 8:59 AM

8:59 AM – Working on Website – 9:07 AM

9:07 AM – Washing Dishes – 9:17 AM

9:17 AM – Working on Website – 9:52 AM

9:52 AM – Preparing Food – 9:53 AM

9:53 AM – Working on Website – 10:00 AM

10:00 AM – Preparing Food – 10:08 AM

10:08 AM – Eating Food – 10:30 AM

10:30 AM – Wasting Time – 5:24 PM

5:24 PM – Writing Journal – 5:29 PM

5:29 PM – Working on Website – 5:47 PM

5:47 PM – Wasting Time – 6:47 PM

6:47 PM – Working on Website – 7:37 PM

7:37 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 7:45 PM

7:45 PM – Exercising – 8:47 PM

8:47 PM – Exercise Log – 9:04 PM

9:04 PM – Writing Journal – 9:09 PM

9:09 PM – Hanging with Mom – 9:31 PM

9:31 PM – Asking Questions Online – 10:22 PM

10:22 PM – Forms – 11:00 PM

11:00 PM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (5:04)
Cleaning Up Room (0:08)
Setting Up Today (0:11)
Writing Journal (0:40)
Working on Website (1:58)
Washing Dishes (0:10)
Exercising (1:02)
Exercise Log (0:17)
Forms (0:38)

Neutral Hours (8:10)
Sleep (6:00)
Bathroom (0:10)
Preparing Food (0:09)
Eating Food (0:22)
Preparing to Exercise (0:08)
Hanging with Mom (0:22)
Untracked (0:59)

Unproductive Hours (10:43)
Watching Videos (2:00)
Wasting Time (9:54)
Asking Questions Online (0:51)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Tuesday, May 1st 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 5100
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 248
Drawings: 0

11:51 PM

Today was one of the best days of my life recently. I went to work for the first time today and had a blast. I really enjoyed what I did and it was so much fun. I was sleepy throughout some of it, but as I was learning things were just getting better and better.

It was so much fun. I don't want to disclose what I did that much because I think I should keep that stuff private, but basically I did a lot of web development today and was having a blast doing it.

Then I picked up my mom in the afternoon, and we stayed at home for a few minutes, my dad having arrived at the same time. Then we left to return the car that my mom bought. Then we went to a local clothing store so I could buy a belt so that I could finally tuck in my shirt.

Oh man what a lovely day. That was such an awesome, awesome day. I loved every second of it. I'm still studying web development at home today, I spent maybe an hour or two doing that at home. I spent the rest of the time eating and watching videos.

Yeah. I am having such a blast doing what I'm doing right now. This is awesome. I have a lot of paper work to fill out still though so I will go ahead and just do that.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 11:51 PM

11:51 PM – Writing Journal – 11:55 PM

11:55 PM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:04)
Writing Journal (0:04)

Neutral Hours (23:55)
Untracked (23:55)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Wednesday, May 2nd 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1630
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:00)

Neutral Hours (23:59)
Untracked (23:59)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Thursday, May 3rd 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Communications and Networking course for 30 Minutes
Software Engineering course for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1290
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2400+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 7:04 AM

7:04 AM – Setting Up Today – 7:06 AM

7:06 AM – Bathroom – 7:12 AM

7:12 AM – Preparing Food – 7:17 AM

7:17 AM – Eating Food – 7:31 AM

7:31 AM – Shower – 7:48 AM

7:48 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:52 AM

7:52 AM – Driving – 8:00 AM

8:00 AM – Working – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Driving – 5:43 PM

5:43 PM – Break – 6:43 PM

6:43 PM – Watching Videos – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Sleep – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:02)
Setting Up Today (0:02)
Working (9:00)

Neutral Hours (12:41)
Sleep (10:03)
Bathroom (0:06)
Preparing Food (0:05)
Eating Food (0:14)
Shower (0:17)
Preparing for Work (0:04)
Driving (0:51)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (2:17)
Watching Videos (2:17)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Friday, May 4th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Game Development for 30 Minutes
Draw for 30 Minutes
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1079
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2400+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 3:30 AM

3:30 AM – Eating Food – 4:30 AM

4:30 AM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:00)

Neutral Hours (23:59)
Sleep (3:30)
Eating Food (1:00)
Untracked (19:29)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Saturday, May 5th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Clean Up Desktop
Organize Computer Files
Catch Up On Journal Entries
Catch Up on Photos for the Day

Update Website
Study Web Development
More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 5623
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2500+
Journal Words: 2103
Drawings: 0

9:00 AM

FFFFFffffffffffffffff-. It has been a while since I have written in my journal. Let me check the last day since I wrote, and I'll start from there.

Wednesday: I went to work for my second day. It was awesome, I was so grateful, I was so happy for this opportunity. I'm so grateful. I did my best, I worked hard, and I did what I could. Honestly, this new job doesn't compare to my previous one in terms of luxuries; it doesn't have free food, I can't set my own times, there's no room where I can lie down and take a nap in.

10:23 AM

It doesn't have unlimited vacation time, the environment isn't as luxurious (the entrance hallway to my old workplace had a 20-foot-high ceiling with gold metal plating on dark brown wood for the walls, with a shiny and polished marble floor with a nice pattern on it, covered by a large and long red carpet, with large windows that let the sun in and made it look so much more luxurious). My old workplace entrance looked like the entrance to a fancy hotel, and the workplace itself was very nice too, and there was a nap room.

And, umm... Yeah. My old workplace was a lot nicer, but I like my new workplace a lot more. I like it so much more. Oh yeah, I also do have to wear a business casual outfit every time I come into work, and this feels so much nicer. Just the comparison between the two, makes my new job feel more like an actual job over my old job. My old job felt like it was this dreadful, happy place. It was dreadful because I felt like I couldn't escape, everyone was nice and happy, too nice and happy, and it didn't feel like real life.

Oh yeah, my old workplace also had a gym, and I could go to the workplace at any time even on the weekends or very late at night. It was also on a really high floor and I could basically see the entire city from there. I would take my friends there and every single one of them would be extremely impressed because we would go after work hours, and there was still the free food, there was still the awesome views, and the entire place was empty, you could fit a few hundred people in there and there's around 200 people a day there, so there's a lot of space, a lot of rooms, a lot of meeting rooms, and it felt like the entire place was yours when you'd go there and you'd be there alone, free to do anything. There was also this very public gathering location that had this very large projector screen that lowered from the ceiling, and you could just hook your computer up and watch movies and bring like 30 people there, but I've never done that, just a hypothetical.

Anyway, yeah. I can't go to my workplace on the weekends or any time after work and all these new things I didn't have to worry about before. But, I'm loving my new job a lot more than my old one. Seriously. I love it. My new job is awesome. Though I can't disclose more than that.

On Wednesday night though after work, we returned my mom's car, and we stopped by a trail that was nearby just so I could show my parents. Then we went to buy food at a grocery store, and I bought some tortillas and guacamole for dipping. My blood pressure rose afterwards.

My mom complained about her blood pressure constantly. It went to over 176 / 120+ or something like that, on Wednesday night I think. I don't know if it was Wednesday night, it might have been Tuesday night when it rose to something like that. Anyway, I showed her several videos on how to lower blood pressure, including several videos on the effects of flax seed on blood pressure, and a video on the fruit and rice diet and how people with over 200+ blood pressure lowered theirs to under 100. My mom got hope from this, and in bed she explained that she was going to do it, and eat flax seed, cut out all the salt, eat mainly just fruits and rice.

This is Saturday now and she was very happy with the results so far, like she was very shocked because she had been taking medications for several years, and there was nothing it did that lowered it as much as this did. Her blood pressure now is in the 120s level, I think it was 126 last time she checked. She is super annoyed with me though because I would tell her how medications have all these unnecessary side effects plus the cost money, and she was so annoyed that I kept repeating that, and that eating the right foods would actually be more beneficial than any medication would be, which she didn't believe initially. But now that she has these awesome results, she's feeling a lot better now and she was thanking me today for showing her.

On Thursday, I don't... oh yeah. It was also on Wednesday night, right after work, right after we dropped off the car, that I dropped out of one of my classes. I dropped out of the software engineering course I was taking. I was not doing well in the course because I hadn't studied that much on it, so I got a withdrawal on it. I also emailed my advisor and asked him advice about the other class I was taking on networking and communications, which is actually a very technical course but it sounds like a social one, and he recommended I drop out of the course after I explained to him my situation (two relatives passing away, me losing my job, finding a new job, etc), and he said yeah withdraw from it as well.

10:57 AM

Thursday wasn't exceptional from what I remember. I woke up, went to work, picked up my mom, went home. Then I read the email replying to the message I sent the night before, and then I dropped out of my course, and I relaxed the entire day until I passed out asleep at night.

Man work is so tiring but I enjoy every second of it. I just watched some random videos on Thursday night. I think that's when I watched the OpenAI video of some AI going against one of the top Dota 2 players. I was pretty shocked at how good the bot was, it played like it was a normal human player. Like, regular bots in Dota 2 suck, they're weak, they don't know how to do anything, and they can be wrecked easily. Dota 1 bots are the absolute worst, they can't even move, literally, there was no Dota 1 bot, but you could still assign a computer to a player slot, so it would just not do anything, it just be there, but not be there, so it just stood around in base for the entire game, no actions made.

It progressed from that, to beating a human. Whoa.

Friday: Friday was just yesterday, I remember it. I woke up very early, around 3 AM. I did some work on the computer I think, maybe. I read up some things. Then around 7:00 AM I dropped off my mom at her workplace, and I drove towards my workplace, and I thought I knew which way to go, but I got lost. So then I spent the next literally 40 minutes getting to work, even though it should have only been around 15 minutes away. There was so much random traffic everywhere, and I got to work just in time just before 8 AM.

I left work around 5 PM, and I went to go pick up my mom. Thankfully there wasn't much traffic, but after picking her up I took the same route to go back so I could show her how to get to my workplace, and boom, there was so much more traffic on the same road I was just on, thankfully I was going the other way this time, so I was clear, not the other people on the other lane though. It was so crowded, and it was crowded for more than a mile, just a long line of cars, whew. I'm so glad I didn't have to experience that because I was just there literally 20 minutes ago, and it was clear when I went through.

Anyway, we passed by my workplace just so I could show her, and then went home. At home I watched videos. Random freaking videos. So random I don't even remember them. Can I even recall one? Oh yeah. I spent like 30 minutes watching a video on DeadRising, a video about 'secrets' and stuff in that game. 30 minutes, because that's around how long the video was, and I surprisingly sat through the whole thing fully conscious of what was happening and being shocked by it.

What other videos did I watch? That'... that's literally all I can remember? Let me think... even if it's some embarrassing video I'll write about it. Okay, I'm not going to post any way too personal videos here that I did watch yesterday. But I'm just trying to think of one more video that I freaking saw yesterday. Come on, I spent hours, hours, yesterday doing what... watching videos... but I can't even recall another video? What? NO WAY.

Wow. I really cannot remember anything else yesterday. Oh yeah, I watched some more programming related videos. Yeah. I fell asleep watching one. Honestly that's like 5 hours gone. Gone. I don't even remember what I watched. My time would have been better sleeping.

Then that brings us to today. I have just a few things planned today, I want to catch up on my journal entries, my photos, and exercise. That's it. I also want to clean up my room and my computer desktop because it's getting crowded. That's it. that's all I want to do today. I hope some friends don't want to hang out this week, because four of them wanted to hang out with me last week on Saturday, and three of them almost came over until I didn't respond to them on my phone and then they left me alone.

Whew. Man. I don't want to hang out with anyone. Thanks man. No random unexpected visitors please. I just want to do my own thing at home and be left alone at home. I'm perfectly fine being randomly interrupted or something outside of my home, but while I'm here, I just want to be here without random people coming and taking me elsewhere.

Oh yeah, yesterday I imagined myself as a skeleton. That will happen someday. I apparently pass by a graveyard, a large graveyard, on the way from my workplace to my mom's workplace, and I can just stare at it at the stop light in wonder. One day I'll be a skeleton (if I'm not cremated), and I might be put in a grave somewhere (I will never know this). Wow. It's inevitable. I'll be a skeleton, and then I'll be dust afterwards. I'll be dust for far longer than I'll be existing; that's life.

Even the well-known singer of that song, That's Life, Frank Sinatra, is dead now. He doesn't care about anything anymore. He doesn't care about the current modern times. He's already lived life through it all, he's experienced everything there was for him to experience during his era.

That's the surprising bit. We all live in different eras. It's like, you can really only take over an era when you're young. That's why I'm ahead of so many of the older people when it comes to the latest technologies and things like that. That's why older people barely know any of it, most of them did not grow up in this era, although arguably it was their era that formed ours. The concept of Internet and websites, it's something I've understood and used while growing up, that's why I'm so keen on it.

What about older people? What about younger people? What kinds of new technologies will they be focused on in the future, that I would know nothing about? You know? It's so interesting.

But yeah, I'll be a skeleton at some point. Whoa man. That's scary to even imagine.

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 9:00 AM

9:00 AM – Writing Journal – 9:03 AM

9:03 AM – Hanging out with Mom – 10:23 AM

10:23 AM – Writing Journal – 10:48 AM

10:48 AM – Hanging with Parents – 10:57 AM

10:57 AM – Writing Journal – 11:22 AM

11:22 AM – Watching Videos – 3:00 PM

3:00 PM – Development – 3:30 PM

3:30 PM – Nap – 4:43 PM

4:43 PM – Bathroom – 4:55 PM

4:55 PM – Development – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Forms – 6:00 PM

6:00 PM – Wasting Time – 8:05 PM

8:05 PM – Exercising – 8:10 PM

8:10 PM – Wasting Time – 8:30 PM

8:30 PM – Development – 9:00 PM

9:00 PM – Wasting Time – 10:10 PM

10:10 PM – Friend – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (3:28)
Writing Journal (0:43)
Development (1:05)
Forms (1:00)
Exercising (0:05)

Neutral Hours (12:43)
Untracked (9:00)
Hanging out with Mom (1:20)
Hanging with Parents (0:09)
Nap (1:13)
Bathroom (0:12)
Friend (1:49)

Unproductive Hours (7:13)
Watching Videos (3:38)
Wasting Time (3:35)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 115
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
Programming: 8
Exercise: 24
Game Development: 4

Sunday, May 6th 2018

11:50 AM

I am tired. I'm installing Heroes of the Storm again. Last night I spent three hours walking outside, and I woke up this morning with my body sore. I also did around 20 push-ups, and I attempted some pull ups, and I walked for three hours in very uncomfortable shoes. For some reason my body is sore. I didn't do that much yesterday, maybe I just slept in a bad position? But I feel terrible.

I hung out with a friend, and we walked for several hours, just talking about things and life in general. I know I shouldn't be playing this game again. I shouldn't be playing any games. But I feel like it's either this, or nothing. It doesn't make any sense. I think I just want to have it installed, but then I'll quit right away? I don't want to waste my time or my life playing this game, that's for sure. Umm. Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't be installing this again.

I'm having seconds thoughts about installing it, but what other form of entertainment can I have? Obviously I know there's so many things to do in a day, there's so many things I need to do and so many things I can do. So many things. But when I'm sore like this, and I'm not in the mood. What can I do? I can procrastinate by wasting my time browsing the Internet, or doing some other activities like watching videos, but those are just as equally unproductive, right? I could draw, but drawing is hard for me. I could study, but again, it's hard for me, well, not really. I love studying what I'm currently studying. I love it. I should be doing that instead.

But my body is sore, I'm not thinking right. I just want to lie down and sleep? But I'm a wake? So it's better if I play a game? That doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I'm going to start working on the website again. Hopefully this will distract me long enough before I ever even play the game. I'm going to work on the website and work on uploading my previous day's entries, and then work on uploading my daily photos that I haven't done in a while. Here we go.

1:53 PM

Whoops. The web host that I have did not automatically renew, and so my account was suspended. Oops. I mean it wasn't my fault? But when I visit the site now, it says that my account was suspended. I panicked at first, thinking "oh no, what did I do wrong?" and then it turns out it was just this minor thing where I didn't pay the subscription fee. I received 4-5 emails already saying that I was charged an amount and that the hosting was automatically renewed, but neither were true? Weird. I think their system messed up.

Either way, I have to either find a new host, or renew this one.

2:06 PM

Okay, I did some research, like a very teeny tiny amount of research, and decided to use the normal shared hosting again. I would eventually like to upgrade to a dynamic dedicated host server, but I don't know how to use that yet, so for now, I'm going to just rely on this. This will keep the website up and running, and in the meantime, I can learn how to use something like a web host server.

All of the journal entries that I worked on today, I had to manually update and upload. These were all done by hand. They're not dynamic pages at all, they're static pages. Every single page on this site. That's not good. It's hard to edit, hard to manage, hard to keep track of. I have so many journal entries that this process needs to change, but for now, this is what I have and this is what I'm working with.

I don't know how expensive it is to use a different kind of host either. Since I don't know how much expenses using a dynamic server will cost me, I'm going to stick with this kind of shared hosting for now.

2:22 PM

Oh yeah. I DID IT! I caught up on my journal entries. That took a few hours, I thought it would take an entire day. But I did it. Did it. Oh yeah. Man. That didn't take quite as long as I expected, nor was it as hard as I imagined it.

I now have to catch up on my photos as well. Yeah. I'm going to clean up my room, and then work on backing up all of my photos on my phone, and then deleting them all except for the most recent ones (the past 2 weeks) and then uploading the most recent photos that I have. There we go. That's the plan.

First clean my room, then back up photos, then upload photos (maybe later tonight). I don't like uploading my photos during normal hours, because I feel like I spam on so many people's accounts, because I would upload maybe 30 photos in one sitting, and this would just flood everyone's log, so I prefer to do it during the late or very hours when no one else is awake (in my region anyway).


2:37 PM

My mom called me a snake this morning, as I was lying on the ground prone in front of my laptop. I asked her what she meant, and she pointed at the pair of pants lying behind me. She said I was a snake because it looks like I molted with my clothes on the ground. The past week I haven't been cleaning my room, I have been throwing my clothes and other things randomly around everywhere.

Today I cleaned up my room again, nice and spotless. It looks great. I don't feel much of a benefit with it being clean and it being not clean, just that it being clean, it looks a lot nicer. Maybe things are more organized. It's not a game breaking change.

Now I'm going to eat some food, maybe play some games. Then work on backing up my phone. Or actually, a better idea would be to back up my phone first, because I know it will take quite some time, and then while it's backing up, to make food, eat food, play games, whatever. Yeah.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Clean Up Desktop
Organize Computer Files
Catch Up On Journal Entries
Catch Up on Photos for the Day

Update Website
Study Web Development
More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 12990
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 1075
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Walking Outside – 1:00 AM

1:00 AM – Untracked – 10:14 AM

10:14 AM – Wasting Time – 11:50 AM

11:50 AM – Writing Journal – 11:56 AM

11:56 AM – Working on Website – 12:34 PM

12:34 PM – Converting Previous Days' Journal Entries – 1:53 PM

1:53 PM – Writing Journal – 1:55 PM

1:55 PM – Updating Hosting – 2:06 PM

2:06 PM – Writing Journal – 2:09 PM

2:09 PM – Uploading Files – 2:22 PM

2:22 PM – Writing Journal – 2:26 PM

2:26 PM – Cleaning Room – 2:37 PM

2:37 PM – Writing Journal – 2:41 PM

2:41 PM – Backing Up Phone – 2:42 PM

2:42 PM – Preparing Food – 2:44 PM

2:44 PM – Playing Games – 2:47 PM

2:47 PM – Preparing Food – 2:48 PM

2:48 PM – Playing Games – 6:48 PM

6:48 PM – Break – 7:18 PM

7:18 PM – Preparing to Exercise – 7:25 PM

7:25 PM – Exercising – 8:26 PM

8:26 PM – Preparing Food – 8:36 PM

8:36 PM – Hanging with Dad – 8:53 PM

8:53 PM – Break - 9:01 PM

9:01 PM – Development – 9:06 PM

9:06 PM – Backing Up Phone – 9:20 PM

9:20 PM – Development – 9:38 PM

9:38 PM – Preparing Food – 9:45 PM

9:45 PM – Eating Food – 9:55 PM

9:55 PM – Break – 10:21 PM

10:21 PM – Development – 11:37 PM

11:37 PM – Resting – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (6:46)
Walking Outside (1:00)
Writing Journal (0:19)
Working on Website (0:38)
Converting Previous Days' Journal Entries (1:19)
Updating Hosting (0:11)
Uploading Files (0:13)
Cleaning Room (0:11)
Backing Up Phone (0:15)
Exercising (1:01)
Development (1:39)

Neutral Hours (11:34)
Untracked (9:14)
Preparing Food (0:20)
Break (1:04)
Preparing to Exercise (0:07)
Hanging with Dad (0:17)
Eating Food (0:10)
Resting (0:22)

Unproductive Hours (5:36)
Wasting Time (1:36)
Playing Games (4:03)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 116
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 1
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Monday, May 7th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1706
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 8:27 PM

8:27 PM – Development – 10:27 PM

10:27 PM – Watching Videos – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (2:00)
Development (2:00)

Neutral Hours (20:27)
Untracked (20:27)

Unproductive Hours (1:32)
Watching Videos (1:32)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 116
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 3
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Tuesday, May 8th 2018

11:41 PM

It's been a day since I wrote in my journal. Nothing much new, nothing much has changed. I have been getting very sleepy lately though, due to having to wake up very early and sleeping late. It's not my fault... I slept at around 3 AM last night or so, and I woke up at 6ish AM. Oh no, that wasn't last night. It was the night before. Yes. The night before, I did that. It was so bad.

Anyway. Yeah. Nothing much to write about. I'm really sleepy. I'm just enjoying watching videos when I get back home. Time to watch videos until I pass out.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1679
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 113
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 6:32 AM

6:32 AM – Shower – 7:07 AM

7:07 AM – Driving – 7:40 PM

7:40 PM – Working – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Driving – 5:40 PM

5:40 PM – Break – 6:40 PM

6:40 PM – Watching Videos – 11:41 PM

11:41 PM – Writing Journal – 11:45 PM

11:45 PM – Watching Videos – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:24)
Working (9:20)
Writing Journal (0:04)

Neutral Hours (9:53)
Sleep (6:32)
Shower (0:35)
Driving (1:13)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (5:15)
Watching Videos (5:15)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 125
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 3
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Wednesday, May 9th 2018

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 1091
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 0
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:00)

Neutral Hours (23:59)
Untracked (23:59)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 125
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 3
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Thursday, May 10th 2018

11:16 PM

Whew I am tired. Today was a very good and productive, although worrying day. Man. I don't think I'm at the place where I'm expected to be after 2 weeks of what I was doing. It's been 10 days. I'm still pretty much a complete beginner at this although I do know a lot more than when I first started.

Am I supposed to learn this right away? I was blown away by the complexity of this when I first started, but now it's becoming easier. And then I realize there's another concept I have to learn that's nearly maybe even more so difficult than what I'm currently learning. Am I able to keep up? I spend time studying, a lot of time studying, but this is overwhelming.

Some things are just difficult and hard to grasp initially.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Catch up on Photos
Write in Journal
Car Wash
Hair Cut

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 943
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 144
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Sleep – 7:16 AM

07:17:03 AM - Bathroom - 07:26:24 AM

07:26:24 AM - Shower - 07:38:37 AM

07:38:37 AM - Changing Clothes - 07:48:43 AM

07:48:43 AM - Packing Up - 07:49:25 AM

7:49 AM – Walking to Car – 7:54 AM

7:54 AM – Driving – 8:08 AM

8:08 AM – Working – 5:00 PM

5:00 PM – Driving – 5:40 PM

5:40 PM – Break – 6:40 PM

6:40 PM – Watching Videos – 9:30 PM

9:30 PM – Development – 10:45 PM

10:45 PM – Documents – 11:16 PM

11:16 PM – Writing Journal – 11:19 PM

11:19 PM – Development – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (11:27)
Working (8:52)
Development (1:55)
Documents (0:31)
Writing Journal (0:03)

Neutral Hours (9:37)
Sleep (7:16)
Bathroom (0:08)
Shower (0:12)
Changing Clothes (0:10)
Packing Up (0:01)
Walking to Car (0:05)
Driving (0:45)
Break (1:00)

Unproductive Hours (2:50)
Watching Videos (2:50)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 133
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Friday, May 11th 2018

11:31 PM

People's expectations of the future are clouded by their perceptions of the present. People seem to think that the current moment's flaws and specialties will be present in the future. This is why any kind of movie or show from 2005 and earlier (before smartphones became a thing), depict the future to have, for example, staticky large monitor screens that aren't that colorful or human-only controlled heavy industrial mechanical tools and vehicles (as if AI didn't exist in the future).

I can definitely see it in all of the depictions of the future from the earlier years. People seem to think that the future is exactly like it is now, except basically a different world because of how the environment has changed drastically and how the technology is supposedly magnitudes better (but it's basically their current technology, upgraded). Like laptops. I mean I imagine in the future everyone would still be using laptops. I imagine myself to still be using a laptop.

What could even replace it? What, if anything, could replace this awesome machine? I went to CES 2014 and at the time that was the future. My mind was completely blown by all the technology presented over there, it was so incredibly amazing. All of that stuff is old now! Oh man. It's so old. It was still the latest and greatest at the time though. Seriously. It was an amazing time. It feels exactly like today, except the technology isn't quite as good as today, not that I notice any difference really.

I mean if I were to be transported back to CES 2014 from today (an impossibility) I'd feel like it was just another walk through a tech store or something, it wouldn't feel like I was experiencing the future, which is what I felt like at the time. I saw so many things, I saw laser keyboards, color and pattern changing keyboards, the latest mice, the latest graphics cards, the latest cars (the BMW i3 which was like $96k at the time, stood out), I even went to a Bitcoin booth in freaking January 2014 and had a chat with so many people there, I took a few videos as well and put them up online, and saw the first Bitcoin ATM machine, and one of the guys from was there and he had 63k bitcoins which I saw on his computer which he left open for no reason, I heard so many stories, everyone at the time was an 'early adopter' including myself but even I didn't know it since there was already so many in the community, oh well, it was such a fun time.

But the future... 4 years from then... I actually thought anything was possible. So many things have changed. I've gone through several job positions since then: web master (self-employed), app developer (self-employed), app builder (first company), technical designer (promoted), solutions engineer (promoted) and now I'm a web developer at my second company. I've made thousands of friends and talked to so many freaking people (all of them have basically gone now though), I got to see many famous people in real life as an invited all-access pass wielder at a movie festival, I got to go on so many adventures, I've been to six countries (including this one) since then, I've been to who knows how many states, I've attended 2 universities, I've gone on several dates with several girls, I bought my first car at 21 and it was brand new, phew. Oh man. So many events. Oh, yeah, 2015, so many things happened that year.

That was the most remarkable year I can recall lately. I think I went out with 3 girls that 1 freaking year, I went to the Philippines, I moved to a new city, I sold my old car and bought a new one (after a few months), I got my first kiss on that first date which I was asked out to, I lots my grandfather, I lost one of my websites, I got banned from my webhost (separate events probably months apart), I lost around 40 pounds (in a few months), I'd sing and run in the gym at night time at midnight, I made hundreds of friends, my parents went to the Philippines 3 times, I threw my first party when my parents were gone and people passed out drunk at my place including myself that was one of my first times drinking, I had another entire week when my parents were gone, I became employed full time and got promoted, etc.

That year was amazing. There's so much more, hard to recall everything now. I'm going to continue writing on the next day's entry because it's already 12:00 AM now.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 969
Lines of Code: 50+
Calories Consumed: 2000+
Journal Words: 799
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 – Development – 12:30 AM

12:30 AM – Sleep – 6:00 AM

6:00 AM – Preparing for Work – 7:00 AM

7:00 AM – Driving – 7:50 PM

7:50 PM – Work – 5:01 PM

5:01 PM – Driving – 5:50 PM

5:50 PM – Wasting Time – 11:31 PM

11:31 PM – Writing Journal – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (9:59)
Development (0:30)
Work (9:11)
Writing Journal (0:18)

Neutral Hours (7:20)
Sleep (5:30)
Preparing for Work (1:00)
Driving (0:50)

Unproductive Hours (5:41)
Wasting Time (5:41)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 142
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Saturday, May 12th 2018

12:00 AM

Whew, still 12:00 AM. Anyway, one of my earlier entries recalls what I did in 2015, let me just get it.

Yeah. Basically the same as what I already wrote, but it was definitely an awesome year. Come to think of it, 2014 was also awesome. 2016 was not bad, but in 2017 other than my trip to Europe, was forgettable. Those years went by so fast.

I'm so sleepy now. So sleepy. I want to just sleep. And to think that while at work, I imagined myself being able to make a few video tutorials to teach what I've learned. Instead though I came back home, deliberately wasted my time (literally spending time browsing the Internet or watching stupid videos while in full awareness realizing the time was going). I wasn't so tired then, although I didn't get that much sleep, I woke up in a perfect spot in the REM cycle where I didn't feel tired or groggy or grouchy. I felt great this morning despite barely getting any sleep and I felt great throughout the day, it was weird.

I haven't been getting any of the right amounts of sleep for work by the way. I would get around 5-6 hours on average of sleep daily. Sometimes 4 hours. And I stay at work for 9 hours, I skip lunch, I do go to the bathroom and grab some water every now and then, but still it's basically me sitting in front of a computer for 9 hours daily, no complaints from me though since I'm having a blast.

I can't even believe that entire day went by today with me working hard and effectively. I was just right there, and boom, typing away, solving problems I run into after thinking about them for a while, etc. it was such a god time. I can't even believe how fast it went by, today was one of my most productive days so far, the hours go by a lot faster when you're distracted by what you're doing.

I am so sleepy now that I'm about to pass out. I'm going to sleep.

Tasks Today
Clean Up Room
Upload Previous Day's Entry
Web Development for an hour
Upload Today's Photos

More in the Extended Backlog page

Steps Taken: 2634
Lines of Code: 0
Calories Consumed: 2800+
Journal Words: 360
Drawings: 0

Time Log

12:00 AM – Writing Journal – 12:18 AM

12:18 AM – Sleep – 8:18 AM

8:18 AM – Untracked – 11:59 PM

Productive Hours (0:18)
Writing Journal (0:18)

Neutral Hours (23:41)
Sleep (8:00)
Untracked (15:41)

Unproductive Hours (0:00)

Megg's Horses
Math: 0
Art: 8
Python: 7
Web Development: 142
Java: 0
JavaScript: 2
PHP: 4
C#: 4
General Programming: 8
Exercise: 25
Game Development: 4

Monday, May 14th 2018

9:32 PM